TRIGGER WARNING:
Self harm
The last three months dragged in. I spent the first two months drinking and trying not to think about Jack. His lips, the way he grabbed my waist when I kissed him. Oh god I really did kiss him. The man who killed the woman I love. My sweetheart. My Lisa. That same thought kept speeding around my head until I couldn't take it anymore.
By the beginning of the third month I started running again. I used to run a lot on the mornings when me and Lisa started dating. After a night together she would sleep in and I'd run for an hour then join her in the shower when I got back.
I had to stop thinking about that time. I needed to get a breath. The running did help. Well, for a while. As soon as I allowed myself to relax and breath for the first time in what felt like years Jack kept creeping into my mind. His lips. His hands.
Shit, I needed a shower. I jumped into the coldest shower I had ever had and stood for as long as I could. Then I saw it. Lisa's hairbrush. I grabbed it. I fell to the ground in the shower. I couldn't do this. I wouldn't. Not without my Lisa. I grabbed my shaver, pulled out the blade and sliced my wrist. Fuck it burnt.
The last thing I remember before passing out was heavy boot foot steps and a man asking "Ianto? Can you hear me?" The water stopped and I was in darkness. Free from pain and free from guilt.
