Author's note: This chapter was an interesting creative challenge for me. I might set Snapshots as 'complete' for the time being, and perhaps add more later, but the next updates you should expect are more chapters of saVage, and hopefully a start on my ending fix/post-ending piece. Thanks for staying tuned!
Love is not about learning to fly
There weren't many advantages to having Johnny Silverhand in my head. For one, he seemed to be very intent on overwriting my brain, and taking over my body, eventually. To say I wasn't very keen on that would be an understatement. He also had the tendency to show up with a strong desire to have a long-winded conversation about life, universe, and everything else in moments, when I felt like my brain was going to gush through my ears. Well, whatever was left of it anyway.
After the brief chat I had with one of the architects of the biochip, Anders Hellman, I began to feel a lot more self-conscious about how I acted, what I was saying, and how I handled the day to day matters. He said I really wouldn't even feel that moment. That dreaded step between one consciousness to another. Between being... me and being Johnny Silverhand.
What was even worse, the more I tried to ask myself what being 'me' had actually meant, the more Hellman's words crept under my skin and made me angry at having trouble discerning it.
If I were to find one good thing that came out of Johnny living in my head and inevitably lending me his radiant personality was the fact, that I began to notice... music a bit more.
At first it was subtle. I began better at remembering melodies, at recreating them in hums or other kinds of sounds, like a pretend twang of a guitar when listening to Morro Rock, or tapping my fingers against the steering wheel to the intricate drum patters from Vexelstrom.
"Someone's in a good mood," Judy pointed out to me at one point, when I was entertaining myself to some beep-bops and bow-wows while making us food for the evening. I shot her a smile and stirred the contents of the skillet. Mac'n'cheese with All Foods syn-bacon. Some serious gourmet stuff, right there, but I made it for my little hot pepper and I was proud of it.
"Always, when you're around," I smirked and pre-emptively crouched, expecting one of the cushions from the couch to fly my way. Judy shook her head and moved from the sofa to approach me and hug me from behind, resting the side of her head against my shoulder. I loved it when she did that. It always made me feel like I belonged... like I was wanted and needed. I smiled to myself like a gonk.
"You know, I used to think that's pretty cringe-worthy and barfy when people said such things," Judy admitted, "Now I kinda get it..." her roundabout way of telling me how much she cared was something I deeply admired and couldn't get enough of. She always managed to make it sound like the two of us being sappy and cute together was the most uncool thing ever, but underneath the surface of it all, in the dark depths of Judy's emotional element, I knew exactly what she meant by these remarks.
I could feel it, and now that she was pressed against my back and my heart picked up its beat considerably, just from that moment of closeness, she could feel it too, because I could almost hear her smile when she spoke.
"Didn't startle you now, did I?" her voice shifted into her teasing, purr-like tone.
"Wouldn't be the world to use, nah," I quipped and stirred the skilled, "Can't help getting excited when you're close, I'm an animal, I know," I shrugged mildly and she scoffed, laughing against my back.
"You know, I think it'd be an insult to animals to include you among them..."
"Yeah, okay, that's not what you said last night," I reminded her and set the skillet down before turning the stove of. Food was ready, but it seemed we had something to settle. I turned around and wrapped my arms around Judy and leaned in to kiss her, nibbling on her bottom lip for a moment, "Ring a bell?"
"I think you might have to remind me about that later... but now let's eat. I'm pretty starved and grumbly tummy sounds aren't sexy at all," she got two plates for us and I put a portion of kibble in each. We were at her place that night, "So, tell me about that music thing?"
"Yeah... it's kind of like it's been louder in my ears recently. I can hear more of it, feel more of it," I tried to explain, "Rhythm makes more sense, melodies are easier to remember, I've become more conscious of it. Gets annoying when I hear some of the stuff they play on Night City FM, you know the contrived, overproduced, artificial..."
"Hang on, hol'up. Is my Val-pal still there, or is Johnny boy in the picture?" Judy looked up at me with a squint as we sat down on her sofa to eat, no table needed. She stretched out her legs and put them in my lap, as was our growing habit.
"Yes it's me... It's me. But that was going to be my next point. I think it might be because of him. Not a bad thing, for once, I could never really sing or get into these things, so if he's giving me a free upgrade in that department," I shrugged. Maybe it was stupid, but I tried to find good things in the entire situation. I had to.
"Not so sure about it, V. I don't want to lose you. It's you I want to be with. Mostly you, anyway. I know damage's done already, but you know what I mean," Judy sighed and picked at her meal.
"I know. And there's still hope. Soon, okay?" I smiled and nodded. I was probably putting on my best puppy eyes and looking like a doofus, pleading her to believe me on just my word, while I didn't really have much idea about what I was doing.
"If soon, then okay... if not soon..." Judy replied, shaking her head, "I don't want to think about not soon, V," she admitted.
"Me neither. But for now, think for a moment about this glorious mac'n'cheese and tell me how you like it," I segued into another subject.
"Best. Kibble. Ever," Judy proclaimed, her mouth full of pasta drenched in sauce.
The rest of the night was calm. We washed up, went to bed, spent some time pondering the question whether I truly am an animal or not, before Jude's breathlessness decidedly proved me right in the matter.
I decided to take action the next day, seeing as the matters of the chip were at a momentary standstill. There was this record shop in Heywood, called Time Machine. They usually blasted old Samurai records to be heard from a block away; they also carried guitars. Jackie and I used to sometimes walk by there, two bites into our hot-dogs, and pretend to play air guitar, really badly. Usually, the result was either laughing our asses off, or hot sauce of our clothes from waving our arms too hard.
Damnit, I missed that choom.
The woman in the store was friendly, had a bit of that cool, laid-back vibe reserved for people who just came in to get music. Once she got wind of someone knowing what they were talking about, she got serious. And I was itching for a guitar that was going to help me express myself. It was weird. Johnny decided to tag along.
"Ugh, look at these things. Cardboard and rat guts pretending to be an instrument. Okay if you're a complete amateur, but someone of your caliber shouldn't be letting music come out of that thing. I won't allow it, and that means you wont play it," he warned me, nonchalantly lighting up a cigarette inside the store.
I moved my hand to my forehead and rubbed my temple at his words.
"Okay, dad. I could at least strum them and try?" I glanced at him, unsure whether this whole thing really was a good idea.
"Trust me. Ask for the good stock. Tell them you're pro. You can afford it, so I don't see what the problem is," he crossed his arms on his chest, "And an amp. Get an amp, too. Unless you got a sound system you carry 'round. Apart from the one that keeps you whining all the time," Johnny was way too proud of his shitty joke. I shook my head and walked up to the counter. Wasn't long before I got access to the back room. There were two guitars straight ahead, and they immediately got my attention.
The vendor mentioned some Chromatix Guitars and Hendersons... but I felt almost fixated on the beauties in front of me.
"No fuckin' way..." Johnny followed me into the back room and sat on one of the amps, thumbing up at the guitars, "You seein' this? Either they're fake... or they're good. Really good."
The label said Deluze Orphean. Poetic. Reminded me of a story I read, from really ancient times, when people used to still believe in gods and monsters, not like these days, where we've only got corpos and gangoons.
Orpheus was a poet, apparently the best of them, the son of a Poet God, or something like that. He could really affect people and animals with his playing. Calm storms, make predators act like bunnies.
His biggest gig was going down to the underworld to get his wife back after she died in a freak accident because of a creep. She was running from some shepherd gonk and a viper bit her. That was it, gone. And Orpheus couldn't keep going without her, so he went to the land of the dead and played for the bosses there to get her back.
The only condition was... he could never look back while another god led his girl back to the light. He failed, and lost her forever. All that art and the guy couldn't wait. Could I ever wait if I had to not look at Judy while getting her out of the underworld? Because I sure as hell would go down there and back and even into all possible hells to get her back. For a moment I wondered, if I'd have to go through such a trip to get myself back. I hesitated as the uncomfortable realization washed over me. Maybe I had already looked over my shoulder and saw Johnny instead?
Thinking about guitars was definitely easier than pondering myths and how they always ended up being so fucking relatable.
I decided to try the Deluze Orphean after all. It seemed fitting in some way. Johnny gave me a few pointers, I spent a moment tuning it, finding that my ears seemed much better adapted to the subtle differences between the tones. Brains were scary like that, and I didn't need to be a nerd like Hellman to start realizing it in the most horrifying way.
I picked the strings a few times, getting used to the way they sounded. Of course, I couldn't help but crank up the amp loud and just strum the open strings to revel in the distorted sound of the Orphean. Already I could picture myself bargaining with Hades himself... I wasn't sure if that was necessarily a good image to have.
"Alright, rock star, let me teach you something. It's real simple, and this tone is perfect for this kinda thing. It's an old tune, no one will know it around here. It's a few chords you can do over and over again until you get tired. Like a kid with a piece of paper with 'turn me around' on both sides," Johnny trying to be a teacher was never going to be a scenario I thought I'd find myself in... and it definitely wasn't his calling, but at least he was offering it without trying to get into my body.
The song was called 'Smoke on the Water', and after a few clumsy attempts to replicate the chords with Johnny's help, I finally started to get a feel for it. It was my first time ever holding a guitar, let alone playing it. Johnny told me not to worry about the stinging sensation on my fingers, callouses would come in time. The trick was to keep going, practicing. I could tell he was really excited about this idea. The more I tried out the guitar, the more I understood just how much emotion one could set free through that instrument.
I bought the Deluze Orphean along with an amplifier, put both in my car. I had an idea, and now I needed two more elements to make the plan come together.
First I had to secure the pier in Pacifica, the one quite close to the edge of the district, which meant it wasn't entirely overrun with Scavs or VDBs. I remembered taking care of a cyberpsycho for Regina the other day, and it seemed like there still weren't that many people around. Didn't surprise me. Folk were just being cautious. I parked as close to the beach as I could and made my way to the shore to just... sit down and think.
For the first time in... a couple of weeks at least, I had something other to think about than death, decay, and being on a timer. Of course, there was Judy, and what we had was like a promise of salvation from all this bullshit... But if I were to be completely honest, Judy took a whole separate part of my thinking and feeling, and I never let the bad thoughts near her. She was just too much of a treasure.
But my regular, morbid thoughts, ones of a dying merc, were fortunately quiet that day. Something else surfaced, stubborn, intent on getting something done. I wanted to create. The guitar didn't lose the tuning on the way, so I could sit down on one of the bigger rocks under the pier and gaze out into the ocean while I plucked away, mouthing words that I could put together with music.
I felt like a dork at first, but a dork who knew that whatever rhymes hid inside my head, they wanted to get out and be heard. I even had a very special member of the audience in mind, but without something to perform, it wouldn't be a good idea to summon her just yet.
At first it seemed that hours went by and I didn't have a single line that made sense. Either it didn't rhyme, or the rhythm was off, or it was just gibberish. My first idea was something about Atlantis.
We ruled the world
Never fearing the gods
The price of vanity
Was losing it all
I realized that it sounded like some kind of bullshit Samurai knock-off song. It was too Silverhand. Not V enough. I wasn't going to be a lyricist overnight, the whole Orpheus thing was wishful thinking. A guitar doesn't make an artist. It's what you do with it that might. Here it was, Silverhand school of song-writing.
As it turned out, all I had to do was look around, notice what was going on... and then look inside myself. Let my thoughts and feelings about things, people and places come up just a little bit. Enough to touch the words that kept running through my head. Then somehow they had to find their way to my fingers moving along the fretboard of the guitar, creating cords filler riffs to add another level of depth the words. Accompany them... with music.
There was something exhilarating about it. I was making music. I was creating art. And I had the construct inside my head to thank for it. I was very eager to share my work. Way too eager, considering this was my first song ever and it was far from perfect... but I didn't care. It came from the heart.
Evening was beginning to fall on Pacifica so I called Judy and sent her my coords after I set up my amp and guitar on the pier, reserving a bench for us, a bit away from any stray walkers that could disturb the little concert I was about to give.
When I saw Judy approach, I stood up, axe on my arm, like some kind of a fucking gonk barbarian grinning at her bride to be. I was taking this art thing way too far... I wondered if there was a way to tune it down a bit. Then again, it was a facet of myself I was only beginning to discover... Perhaps I could let it run free for a bit before trying to throttle it.
"Okay, what's this about?" Judy was smiling, but I could see her confusion.
"Payback. For that one time you told me we were going diving but I got no deets," I quipped and gestured for her to take a seat.
"Oh -that- time. When you didn't know whether it was a date so I flirted really hard with you and we were still kind of stupid before we finally kissed?" Judy asked, leaning back against the bench, propping her face in her palm with careful interest.
"That very day, yeah. One of my favorites, ya know," I grinned sheepishly, she nodded at me in understanding. We were incorrigible.
"Alright... whatcha got for me?"
"Get comfy... it's uh... my own composition. Called it, ahem, Water's Deep," I was definitely experiencing some form of stage fright. I was going to perform my first ever song on the guitar I had for a day (Johnny was helping, but he was still Johnny) to my girlfriend. No biggie. No pressure at all. I played the chords I had as a form of the intro, then inhaled and began to sing, keeping the jam to a groovy rhythm.
Where the sunset hits the coast
You'll find a city I hate the most
It's a place of everyone's secret dreams
Ya got a death wish it's pretty preem
Chaos and murder, no rule of law
The bosses in office are above all
Gangoons and corpos, you get the gist
Get ready to meet the gorilla fist
One step out of line, a shot
Enough to show a fixer who's hot
For glory's sweet blaze, I'd do a lot
The time is now for another thought.
Love is not high in the sky
Love is not about learning to fly
The only love I want, the only one I will keep
Is one I found with you, in the water's deep, oh yeah!
One beautiful day, we'll leave it behind
Just you and me baby, we're gonna be fine
We've got no time for this gonk-ass town
We'll be far ahead when it all comes down
Love is not high in the sky
Love is not about learning to fly
The only love I want, the only one I will keep
Is one I found with you, in the water's deep
My cheeks were burning, my heart was beating like a drum, pounding wildly in my chest, as if the main instinct was to run and hide. The last chord rang out and silence fell on the pier. I set my guitar against the amp after turning it off to minimize feedback and looked up at Judy, ready for her judgment.
Her smile was heavenly. Her hazel eyes were glazed over with emotion, she shook her head and moved closer to me, straddling me as she leaned in to kiss me, bystanders be damned. I responded immediately, letting our lips brush together for as long we both could without making things kinda distasteful for the public.
"Wow... so... I guess you liked it?" I asked, nibbling on my bottom lip. Stage fright still wasn't gone, now I was just outright anxious.
"Loved it, mi calabacita," she replied, brushing through my hair with gentle strokes, "In fact... I loved it so much that I've just recorded your first concert. It's going to my special BD collection," she grinned at me.
"It was kinda cheesy, I know..." I sighed and shrugged, moving my hands to her hips. Having her in my lap always made me feel better about life. There was something... confidence-building about it.
Judy shrugged, "Maybe it was. But I don't care. It was yours. And you kinda made it ours. And now I'll have it with me, forever."
"Forever," I repeated and nodded. Her optimism was strangely contagious.
"Doesn't mean you can die. This is just a back up, we clear?" she warned, raising one finger at me in a clear warning.
"Claro," I nodded and leaned in to give that intimidating finger a kiss.
Judy smiled cuddled up to me, closing her eyes for a moment, "So... now you're gonna play it again?"
