I don't own Merlin.
Never finding the Time.
Sitting in front of the fire, his flash-aged body which had already been aching and stiff from the ageing potion prepared by Gaius so he could get into Morgana's hovel where the witch had been living in exile following her failed coup of Camelot but was now really painful following being thrown around by Morgana's spells during their fight, Merlin was left reeling by the fight.
But it was worth it; the jar with the Fomorrah was sitting next to him, so he had managed to get hold of the mother creature of the abomination in his body Morgana had used to enslave him and make him murder Arthur. But Merlin knew he had been lucky enough to get a hold of the creature at all; he had no problem finding the hovel, even if the knights had posed only a slight delay but not by much; a part of Merlin wondered if they would tell Arthur about their encounter with Dragoon, but he doubted it.
While Arthur had issued a capture order for the aged magician whom he believed had murdered his father deliberately while leading him on, so he could personally kill him for Uther's death, the knights had been seriously embarrassed by the encounter, so he didn't need to worry. And even if Arthur did find out about the encounter with the old sorcerer he was destined to become one day, Merlin wasn't worried; thanks to the ageing potion he'd taken, Merlin knew he was safe. Those moments where Arthur had pondered aloud if they'd met before didn't count, and neither did those moments where Dragoon had faltered when he'd been busy insulting Arthur and Uther; oh good grief, how often had he hoped he could insult the two monarchs to their faces, but truthfully they deserved it. Uther was nothing more than a murderer, and no, he did not care that much the man was dead even if it had shattered his hopes Arthur could accept magic.
But, success aside, Merlin knew he'd had a close call. Morgana had definitely grown in power and skill over the last few years, but that was hardly a surprise; Morgause would have immediately started her training as a sorceress as soon as Morgana had recovered from the poisoning she'd received thanks to Merlin himself during that mess with the Knights of Medhir (he wished he had done something different; he should have obeyed his first instincts and told Morgana about magic, that he was the same as her; if he had then perhaps this mess would never have happened), and God only knew what kind of things Morgause had told her in that time, but because she was away from Camelot and free from prying eyes who'd have informed Uther right away if she'd begun practicing magic, Morgana had learnt things in a year that Merlin had needed a while to learn himself when he was free.
But she had gotten there.
She had been determined to get revenge on Camelot for everything from the way she'd been poisoned by someone whom she'd trusted, to how magical users were treated, and how the Old Religion was disrespected. By the time she had gotten back, Morgana had learnt a lot more about magic in a year than Merlin himself had a month. And when she had returned to Camelot, Morgana had the means to continue practicing; unlike him who never really found the time to read through the magic book Gaius had given him shortly after his arrival in the city and after the business with Mary Collins, Morgana had been a lady of the court. She could have stayed inside her rooms in the castle all day without anyone coming in to see her unless it was to give her meals and other basic chores. Gwen would only have visited her at periodic intervals to see if she'd needed anything, and her part of the castle had given Morgana ample time to listen out for anyone approaching her chambers. That was more than enough for her to learn more about magic.
But for himself…
His duties as Arthur's servant, having to go through those endless chores which tended to last the entire day, especially when they weren't even needed in the first place, and the other things he was expected to do as a servant took up a huge amount of his time. It didn't help Merlin was sometimes dragged off on those stupid quests, hunts, and God else knew what else Arthur got himself dragged into because he was sometimes so unbelievably dim his common sense did not switch in when it was needed.
Occasionally Gaius had taken him away from opening the pages in the magic book, so Merlin rarely had the opportunity to spend a huge amount of time to properly read through the book and practice; there were times where he wondered if Gaius was deliberately trying to stop him learning magic, especially when the old court physician kept stopping him practicing magic.
Deep down Merlin was always ashamed of those thoughts, especially since Gaius had seen firsthand the terror, the destruction, and the pain caused by the Great Purge, but those thoughts were always at the back of Merlin's mind.
But it… had just felt Good using magic freely like that; it had just been so long since he had used magic like that in a duel, especially against someone as powerful as Morgana.
It was so rare that he had the chance to fight somebody openly using magic without having to sit back in the shadows like he did with the knights whenever they'd stupidly blundered into danger, and he was forced to save the day without anyone seeing his use of magic. Merlin closed his eyes when he realised while he had managed to defeat Morgana, it had been more down to luck rather than any kind of skill. Really, he was supposed to be Emrys, he was supposed to be skilled enough to defeat any sorcerer, creature, or immortal. What did he do instead, he consulted physicians and dragons?
This could not go on forever. He really wished he could find the time to get away from Camelot for a bit, maybe for a few days and claim he had gone to visit Ealdor, to his mother, when he was in fact going off to a place like the Isle of the Blessed, or the Perilous Lands so he could practice his powers; Uther may have ensured the entire Isle of the Blessed was destroyed and everything there had been ransacked and some of it shoved in the archives of Camelot so if there was a major threat to the kingdom they could deal with it, but there was probably something still there for him to use, Nimueh had stayed there for years for a reason after all, but he couldn't. Not only was Morgana out there, but there was also still Agravaine to deal with. Merlin had no doubt in his mind the pair of them were coming up with a new scheme to take over Camelot and kill Arthur, but he needed to learn more about magic. He had been lucky this time, he could not keep hiding out in the shadows forever.
Merlin wondered what Morgana was doing right now, but at the same time he was curious and worried; how had she known about Emrys, but at the same time she had been scared of him, he had to bear that in mind. It had saved his life, but it might not work the next time; Morgana was too smart for that.
It was time to destroy the Fomorrah. Merlin reached for the jar, opened it and threw the thing unceremoniously into the fire, and he chanted the spell to kill the thing, and he felt a lot of satisfaction when he heard the disgusting thing screech in pain. But he was less happy when he felt the Fomorrah inside him die as well.
