Chapter 8
Edward's POV…
I wasn't nervous because of what had happened the night before. My date with Kristen had gone better then I expected and today, I was having lunch with Rosalie to tell her all about it. It had been planned before the date. Or well, by Rosalie, and I had just went along. She wanted all the details from the night before, but that wasn't it. It was the thought of talking to her, seeing her, all with the Express purpose of talking about another woman. Just the thought of seeing her and just being her friend felt wrong somehow. I was nervous. Not about telling her. About seeing her and looking at her and telling her everything all while wishing it was with her. It would never be her again though and for so many reasons, including that, I was nervous. Reasons like the questions that had been going through my mind all last night. And yet, only one part of me seemed to want to know.
" Do you ever wonder why she left?" my other half had said it so clearly the night before, but now it was something he seemed loath to repeat. He seemed determined to forget it had ever been said. Like it had come as a slip of the tongue that he didn't mean to repeat. Something about it had me on guard. He was suspiciously silent and when he did say something, it was only that I should leave it alone, but this only led me to look for answers anyway. When lunchtime got closer, I left my office, and moved across the GCPD. I wanted to meet Rosie outside today. Maybe because I was nervous. Or because I had a lot on my mind. I really didn't know as I made my way outside. We hadn't agreed to do this, but something just led me in that direction. It might of been fate. As I was leaving the building, Rosalie was entering, and we ran right into each other. She was moving so quickly that when our bodies collided, she should have fell to the ground, but she didn't. I caught her before she could.
" I used to always be the one catching her this way" I thought it then as I remembered all the times back in high school when she wouldn't be watching what she was doing and I had to catch her before she fell. In that moment, I caught her just like I did all those times long ago. I grabbed her around the waist and suddenly, I was holding her to my chest. Her breasts were pressed into my body and our eyes met. Her eyes were big and doe eyed, like long ago, and I was still remembering. Remembering when I would kiss her back then as I held her this way, but as I came back to reality I remembered, then was then, and now, things had changed. I wasn't allowed to kiss her anymore. And yet, I wanted to anyway, as we stood there, so close, looking up at each other. My breath caught in my throat, so did hers. After a moment though, Rosie flashed me a smile, and the temptation was suddenly bigger. To kiss her there without a care as to who saw. To tell her I still loved her and always had. Yet, I didn't because suddenly it was over.
" Decided to meet me, huh...well thanks for keeping me from falling, Eddie...I guess I was overexcited about our lunch date and I got in a hurry" exclaimed Rosalie her smile wide and giddy as she stepped away. My hands fell away from her and when she extended her hand, I hesitated to take it. I was still so damn tempted to kiss her just taking her hand didn't feel right. It felt like it would only be dragging me into more temptation. Until suddenly, I looked into her eyes, and I didn't think about it anymore. I took it and a moment later, we were in a cab, talking.
" So, how was your date? Did you have a good time? Do you think she did?" whispered Rosalie barely paying attention as I gave the driver the address as she rattled questions at me. She clasped my hand with both of hers, her chest leaning heavily against my arm now. She was practically bouncing in her seat and had she been asking about anything else, I would have smiled. Now though, I found I could barely manage it even as I answered.
" We had a good time. She kept smiling, so I think she did too" I said it with my eyes staring out the window that strange feeling filling my gut. She had been my sweetheart. She was the love of my life, the one I loved even now as I sat with her talking about my relationship with another woman. It felt not just strange, but wrong. As wrong as it did watching her with another man. My heart was hers, I didn't want to give it to anyone else, and yet she sat next to me, asking me to do just that. It all just felt wrong, very, very wrong.
" Smiling, that's good. So tell me Eddie, what happened? What did you do with her?" exclaimed Rosalie her head on my shoulder now, her eyes looking up at me, a certain sparkle in her eyes.
" We went to dinner...there really isn't much to tell. We talked, she thought I was funny...then I took her home" I said it as we were getting out of the cab. We walked hand in hand through the park then and we didn't say anything.
In the silence, it didn't feel like years had passed between us. It felt like just yesterday it was just the two of us, together, in love, and unsure of where our lives would lead. Like our lives hadn't separated and then been brought together again this way. As I spent that day with her, I couldn't stop remembering, remembering our time long ago, when it had been different between us. Back then, we had walked hand in hand in this same park. We had laughed and smiled together and shared kisses under the days sun. Rosie used to laugh back then, when I kissed her under the trees, and in that moment, I remembered all of that. I was keenly aware that that was over as I walked then with her. Now, we only walked, getting a hot dog each from a bender, and finally finding a bench to sit on. After a moment, she looked at me, and unexpectedly, she kissed my cheek. When she pulled away, she acted like it was no big deal. Like kissing me was just a little thing and yet, I could feel my heart racing as I just watched her then. I watched her take a bite of her hot dog and come away with mustard on her upper lip. I watched her and still I was remembering. Remembering when I used to kiss the mustard from her lips. I wanted to do that then as I watched her still, to kiss that mustard away like I'd done those years ago.
I suppressed the urge.
" Ms. Kringle kissed me on the cheek last night" I whispered seeing a flash of something in her eyes.
" She did? Eddie that's great...I hope she knows how great you are and how lucky she is. I'm happy for you, Eddie" exclaimed Rosalie smiling as she turned her head to look at me, her eyes locking with mine, and in that moment our food was forgotten. I looked at her then away until her hand touched my cheek.
" Eddie, what is it?" whispered Rosalie her voice was soft, like he remembered it from his nights waking up with her.
" I don't want to make you mad" I whispered still not looking at her. I shouldn't have said that. I should have known what Rosie would do, but then my face was in her hands. Rosalie made me look at her and suddenly, I was looking right into her eyes. They were big and beautiful, with something in them I recognized even as I didn't recall it completely. Her eyes were sincere and sparkling with that something.
" I don't love Ms. Kringle, I love you. It's you I want and I don't care about Barnes or anyone else. I love you and I want you" I should have said that, but I didn't, I only thought it. I couldn't, but as I looked at her, it was true, it was in every part of me as I stared into those eyes I was deeply in love with.
" Eddie, you know you can tell me anything. I'm your friend" exclaimed Rosalie her thumbs smoothing over my cheek bones the way she used to, her touch teasing me more then she knew.
" You're still the only woman I've ever been with. The only girl I've ever kissed...when she kissed me...it felt strange, good, but strange" I whispered it and I tried to look away, but she wouldn't let me. Her eyes held mine and that look was still in her eyes, only there was something else there.
" That's really sweet, Eddie. Until I met Nathaniel...I was the same way...it felt really strange. It still does sometimes" said Rosalie her voice soft, it was almost like it was laced with longing as we looked at each other. I knew that was all in my mind then. That even that something hidden in her eyes wasn't really there as we looked at each other, suddenly silent. In that moment, I wanted to know what she was thinking. She was throwing temptation at me. It was weighing heavily on me then as I looked at her. My face was still in her hands, it would have been easy to just lean forward, and kiss her. I wanted to kiss her, but in that moment, I didn't.
Instead, we sat there, her head on my shoulder, her hand in mine. We were silent yet connected at the same time. And then a little girl passed us. A little girl the exact age our baby would have been had it ever had the chance to be born. Both our eyes followed the girl, but when Rosie's looked away, mine didn't. I kept watching the little girl until she was too far in the distance and then I felt her hand as it touched my cheek.
" Eddie?" whispered Rosalie on a breath making me look at her and instantly, I knew she saw what was on my mind. It was on hers too. I didn't have to tell her, she knew what I was thinking.
" I...I think about it sometimes...our baby. Wonder about it...about you and I...how it would have went if things had been different. Do you ever...think about it" I breathed it, not wanting to upset her. I looked away from her, but she made me look at her just as quickly. Our eyes locked and we didn't say anything. I don't think we needed to and suddenly, our fingers were interlocked. Rosie squeezed my hand, but she didn't say anything. She didn't have to, I knew she was thought about it just as I did. And then she squeezed my hand again, as I wrapped an arm around her, hugging her close.
Almost on instinct, her other hand went to her stomach, I don't think she knew I noticed, but as I did, that was all the answer I needed.
" Sometimes" whispered Rosalie her voice small, her eyes drawn off into the distance.
" Stop talking about it...just leave it be" screamed my other half in that moment his voice shaking me. He had been silently until then, but now, I could feel him. Feel him getting angry and suddenly, I knew something, even as I didn't know anything. Whatever I was approaching, it was something he didn't want me knowing, some potentially dangerous subject, and yet, I didn't stop. I kept on going because some part of me needed to know. I couldn't stop though, there was something about the look in her eyes that scared me as I touched her shoulder. Rosalie flinched away though and when she looked at me, there were tears in her eyes.
" Stop! This won't solve anything" exclaimed my other half and again I didn't listen. The question I wanted to ask went through my mind, but I remained silent. I stared at her, at the tears in her eyes, and I felt numb. I didn't know what was coming, but I sensed it was something dire.
" Rosalie, after you lost the baby...why did you leave? You didn't even say goodbye, you just left, and I didn't see you until all this time later. We meant slot to each other. We almost had a child together...I think I deserve to know why you left" I said it, my eyes staring intently into hers. She looked back and as I stared her down it was like I was daring her to lie to me. In a way I was, because part of me sensed she wouldn't tell me the truth, and then the silence hung in the air between us. Then the tears left her eyes, rolling down her cheeks, and I knew I would get only the truth. I knew she wouldn't lie because even after all these years, I would know. She opened her mouth as if to speak, but all I heard was a sob then I held her in my arms. She was crying and I let her as I waited for my answer. I gave her all the time she needed, until she looked at me with her tear ridden eyes, and she revealed all her secrets.
" Look what you've done" screamed my other half, but I drowned him out as I let her bury her face in my chest and holding her, I stroked my fingers through her hair until she was ready to speak.
" I'm sorry, Rosie, but I have to know. I can't carry this question around with me anymore. I can't start a relationship with Ms. Kringle if I'm wondering what I did to run off the love of my life...wondering if I'll run her off for the same reason. I have to know, please" I exclaimed as I spoke her eyes were suddenly boring deeply into mine. The look in her eyes had changed. There was sympathy and pain and that same something I'd seen before that I couldn't place. It shook me even more then her tears. Her answer left her mouth in one huge mouthful.
" I was going to tell you I was pregnant and you started talking to yourself. You said a baby would ruin everything and that you needed to get rid of it. It wasn't you, Eddie, you were in some sort of trance, I don't know. You said I was going to ruin your life and that it didn't matter if you loved me. You said I needed to go away"sobbed Rosalie becoming more hysterical as she went. I knew what had happened before she said it. I knew. My other half had come out and done something to her. That's why I didn't remember any of what she was telling me because he had taken over. I couldn't look at her as she told me the rest, only far into the distance.
" You put your hands around my throat. You tried to choke me, Eddie, there was nothing I could do. I had to hit you as best I could until I got away. I ran from you, but you chased after me and I wasn't watching where I was going. That's when I fell. I didn't see the stairs and I fell down them and I was knocked out. When I wokeup, I had lost our baby, and you didn't remember any of what happened. I didn't know what to do, so...so I just left" cried Rosalie her head still on my chest as her hands covered her face.
I held her in my arms for only a moment before suddenly I felt revolted. I had tried to kill her. I had tried to kill her! Suddenly, I wasn't worthy to touch her or be anywhere near her. Balling my hands into fists, I clutched the seat of the bench then, and I felt my anger rising.
" I told you to leave it alone" said my other half then as if sensing my anger and suddenly I knew I had to get out of there. He had tried to kill Rosalie. I was the reason she left, but not completely. She had left because he had tried to hurt her, something I would never do, and suddenly, I knew I had to get rid of him. Even if it meant I would go with him. He had crossed the line and yet, I couldn't help blaming myself. If I had had more control over him it wouldn't have happened and I knew I was as much to blame. It wasn't just him, it was me too.
" Eddie?" Rosalies tear stained voice reached me then, but I didn't hear it. I couldn't look at her, I was lost to my own thoughts, and plans. I had to get out of there. I let my hands drop away from her altogether. Her hand reached up to touch my face, but I flinched away, suddenly looking down at her drenched in her tears. I didn't know how she could even bare to sit next to me after what I'd done. I didn't deserve her. I never did. The only thing I deserved now was death. That was my thought as I stared down at her, wanting to apologize, but finding the words unsatisfying, they weren't good enough for her.
Suddenly, I wasn't worthy to be anywhere near her, and leaving the bench, I couldn't speak or see or hear or think, I just walked as quickly as I could away. I didn't forget about Rosie exactly, but as I walked away I didn't want her to follow. She wasn't safe with me anymore. Not as long as him and I were one in the same. I wanted her to go then to go be with Barnes and be safe. I only promised as I walked away that he would never hurt her again and I meant that.
" I was protecting her and you by not letting you remember" said my other half my hands balling up as I held them tightly at my sides as I remembered what I could of that day long ago.
" At the time, I was trying to help you" whispered my other half trying to reason with me, but it didn't work as I remembered her that day, crumpled at the bottom of the stairs. All these years, I had believed it an accident, but it hadn't been. I had done that to her. I had tried to kill the woman that I loved. Killed our unborn child. I went back to my apartment, opening and closing the door with a slam. I found myself looking in the mirror until suddenly I hit the mirror until my hands were bloody.
