Chapter 9
Edward's POV…
What Rosie had said just kept repeating on a loop in my mind.
"You tried to kill Rosie" I exclaimed, not feeling the glass as I hit it the blades slicing through my skin. I didn't feel that either. I only felt her words as they moved through my head. I kept expecting him to say something in defense of himself, but he had stopped doing that now. Instead, he remained silent, for once letting me rant, and I was lost to the reality of what I had done all those years ago. I kept trying to remember that moment years ago. At first, I couldn't, but when I did it came in a flash of memory. I only saw Rosie, crumpled at the bottom of the stairs. I remembered the ambulance ride that day. The hours sitting by her bed waiting for her to wake up and when her eyes opened, she had flinched away when she first saw me. That made more sense now that I knew that I was the reason she was in that bed. I remembered that moment, when the doctor entered the room, and he said the words so calmly. When he told us that she would be fine, but that our baby was no longer meant to be ours.
I had tried to take her hand then, but she had wrenched it away.
"After what I'd done, no wander she didn't want me touching her" I thought as I came back to the present to find my face blurred in the shattered mirror and the broken shards at my feet. She never let me touch her again after that.
"I don't deserve her…especially now" I thought it even as I hated it, seeing my own blood as I looked at my hands, and the lonesome life I stood in that now I realized was my punishment for what I had done. The longer I stood there, the more I realized that time was moving quicker then I thought. What had felt like hours to me was in fact minutes. It felt like it should be longer as I stood there. At first, it felt like nothing had changed, but everything had. My life was no longer as tame as it seemed. I was a killer, I had been for a long time, and unlike before, I cared deeply about the being I had killed. I had earned the fate of a killer. I didn't deserve to live, but in my mind, I needed to be put down now.
My eyes seemed to focus on the clock, on the blood on my hands, and suddenly, with a shard of glass in my hand, I sat on my bed. I had never considered ending my life until that moment. I was just about to make the first cut when her voice came to me.
"Eddie?" called Rosalie, the voice sounding as if it was coming from my own mind at first until I realized it wasn't, that it was actually there. A series of knocks sounded first, then; her voice came toward me again. I listened to it at first, still savoring its sound as I held the glass in my hand. I was still going to end my life when her voice continued to reach me. In that moment, I wasn't sure if I wanted her to go away or if I wanted her to stay as I did this.
"Eddie, please, don't shut me out. I can't lose you again after finding you" whispered Rosie, her voice calling to me, like a child's as I sat there somewhere between her and death. I kept telling myself to be quiet that she would go away, but I knew she wouldn't. I kept telling myself to tell her to go away, but I knew she wouldn't. She wouldn't just leave this time. I knew that somehow as I sat there hooked on the sound of her voice. I didn't know what to do as I sat there beginning to feel the glass in my hands. I sat in silence and when she stayed silent too, I thought she had left even as I knew she hadn't. Part of me didn't want her to. Because I couldn't leave without saying goodbye to her. I saw the irony in that as I held the glass in my hand ready to end my life at any moment.
"Eddie, I'm coming in" said Rosie, making me wish I'd locked the door when she began to open it.
"Stay away, Rosie" I exclaimed as she came in, the door sliding closed behind her as she saw me, trying to find a smile, but failing when she saw the glass.
"Eddie, what are you doing?" whispered Rosie, her voice suddenly heavy with emotion. She started toward me slowly, her hands reaching for me, but still staying a shirt distance away.
"I'm ending it. I'm giving myself what I deserve, Rosie, especially after what I did. To you and our baby…to us. I don't want to hurt you again" I said it slowly, looking at my reflection in the single shard of glass instead of at her. Silence fell then as I looked down into that reflection. I kept expecting my other half to break in. To try to defend what he had done, but he stayed silent this time. He seemed to know nothing he said would make it better as he hid in the darkness at the back of my brain. I was glad for that because in that moment I didn't want his words in my head. I just wanted hers to mingle with my own, so we could be one again just like we used to be. I wanted to erase him completely as I gained the courage to look at her again. She was crying now. Tears running down the length of her face and I wanted to wipe them away even as I stayed put. I didn't have the right to touch her anymore. Not after what I knew. And yet even as I knew that, thought that, the temptation was always there, nonetheless. Maybe because part of me knew this wasn't all me.
This was him too. My other half. Because I would never hurt Rosalie, but he had. Where I touched her with soft gentle fingers, he didn't know how to be that way, and because of that he had crossed the line with his actions. If he hadn't done what he did, I might have a family now, but instead, I had nothing. Because he had made sure of that.
"I could have had you, a family with you, Rosie, if he hadn't ruined everything" I exclaimed, the words bursting forth without me being able to stop them. I looked at her then and she didn't respond to them. As if she couldn't find the words. I couldn't either because in that moment it was like the Great Gatsby, two great loves finding each other again, but torn apart by the past. Because you couldn't relive the past even as much as you wanted to. And I wanted to. To relive the past with her. The love of my life, the only woman who had ever entered my mind, and I had lost her. There was no getting her back and that thought is what killed me as I held the glass all the closer to my own wrists. Miss. Kringle couldn't even compare to her. She was a dull replacement after years of lonely nights. I knew that as I looked at her. She always looked right back almost refusing to look away. It was then that I made up my mind to never love another woman. My love for her would be in my heart as I died, I decided, as I looked at her trying to find the courage to end it as I just kept my eyes on her.
"All these years, I've wondered why you left. I've wondered where you were and hoped to see you again. Most of all, I've wondered why you left…what I could have done to keep you. Now, I know it was me. You couldn't stand the sight of me after what I did" I exclaimed, daring to look at her.
"No, Eddie" whispered Rosalie almost immediately, both of us breaking down in our tears now.
"I always loved you, Eddie…that isn't why I left. I know you wouldn't have done that to me. I just didn't know what to do" whispered Rosie, her tears covering her still, but I wasn't convince as I stood. She immediately cowered back in fear. She was still afraid of me even now. Seeing her do that, it made my voice rise as I looked at her. I couldn't blame her for her reaction, but it pained me all the same.
"I did do that to you, Rosie…I am him. That was me. Anything he does, whether I'm aware of it or not…it's on me as much as him. It wasn't just him who made you fall down those stairs, it was us, it was me. We both did it" I screamed, my voice rising of its own accord as I looked right at her. Rosalie only continued to shake her head with the tears running down her face. After a moment, I realized she was no longer cowering away, but coming closer. She came so close that she could touch me and after a moment, she did. She brought her hand until it was almost touching my chest.
"Don't, I don't want to hurt you again. I…I'm a monster. You're not safe with me" I said it with my tears weighing heavy on my voice. I kept waiting for her to leave me like she'd done before, but Rosie didn't move. She stayed rooted in front of me and the longer I looked into her eyes the sooner I realized she wasn't going to leave this time. She was waiting for me to let her closer, but as I held the glass in my still bloody hands, I couldn't let her come closer. I would protect her now. Even if it meant I was protecting her from myself. She moved so quickly though that I barely had time to react. Rosie was suddenly touching me with her hands on my shoulders and her eyes peering into mine. Somewhere in between, the shard of glass fell from my fingers, and my hands found only her. I heard the glass hit the floor as her hand touched my face. I leaned into her touch as I looked into her eyes finding I could only cry as I fell into her hearing her tears as they mixed with my own.
"You, Edward Nygma, are the best man I've ever known. Not a monster, but a man with his troubles just like any human. I've always known that, back then, when I came back, and now. I know you, Eddie, and I know you would not have let that happen if you could have stopped it" exclaimed Rosie, her voice pleading with me. Rosalie looked deeply into my eyes then and there was nothing I could do. I had to look right back as she spoke feeling in them the feelings, we had shared for each other long ago. It was then I knew I couldn't hide anything anymore. Not what I felt both then and now. I just had to tell her. I didn't care if she loved Barnes, I just had to tell her, so I did.
"I love you, Rosie. I always have…I never really stopped" I whispered; I was afraid for her reaction. I was waiting for her to run. For her to leave my life again, but that never happened. At first, Rosie didn't look at me. It was like she couldn't until suddenly she did. It was like she was collecting herself and suddenly both of her hands were touching my face. Rosalie took a breath and when she looked at me, there was more tears streaming down her face as she seemed to be preparing to tell me something. Until she said it, I didn't know what she was going to say.
"Rosie?" I whispered, as if coaxing the words from her as she seemed to struggle with them as her hands moved to the sides of my neck as her eyes never left me.
"Eddie…Edward Nygma…I never stopped loving you either. I could never love Nathanial Barnes the way I loved you…the way I still love you. You have my heart and you have all these years. I love you, Eddie…I love you" whispered Rosalie, her arms around me again when she kissed me as soon as the words left her lips.
"Rosie" I said her name on instinct as the kiss began only one thing leaving my mind that this was the kiss I had longed for, the kiss of two people in love, not two friends, but we had never been friends, we had always been in love. It was the type of kiss we'd shared when we were young.
"I love you, Eddie" gasped Rosie then still crying as we shared that kiss the same kiss, I had been remembering from years ago.
I felt as my arms went around her like they had been longing to do. Her own arms went around my neck and when it was finally over, we were just looking at each other.
"I love you" whispered Rosie, her voice small as if she expected me to be mad at her. I couldn't help myself; I drew her into another kiss.
"I love you, Rosie" I whispered against her lips feeling as she melted all the closer into my chest. Everything else was suddenly forgotten.
