insomnia

It starts the same time as the panic attacks, the insomnia.

All of his days are haunted with images of her leaving him behind and regardless of whether she's just down the hall or right next to him, she feels further away than ever. It's like his brain just can't catch a break, can't get away from the thoughts of her. He just constantly feels like his stomach is in his throat and his palms are almost always clammy.

He's at work and he can't breathe and then he comes home to seek solitude with his thoughts and rest but he can't sleep. He just drowns in pictures of red hair and flowery perfume and hazel eyes.

He shuts his eyes and tries to find solace in sleep but when he shuts his eyes all he sees is her retreating form. And when he opens his eyes and turns to his left, hand reaching out across the bed for a her that's never existed in his reality, he feels wretched.

He just misses her. He misses everything about her. He misses a her he's never had.

Eventually, he accepts the panic attacks and the insomnia as some form of punishment. He decides that if this is his penance for hurting her, he'll take it. He deserves to suffer, especially if he can't have the her of his dreams.

Eventually, after nights of restlessness he starts therapy and all hell breaks loose, and he hurts her even more. He never realizes how much until she kisses him in her office.