I don't own these characters. DC/the CW does. I don't own the following things that get mentioned in this chapter: Grease (the movie), Onward, Frozen, Lilo and Stitch, Mary Poppins Returns, and Hamilton.
4: Right and Wrong
Alex liked to think she was used to rejection. What she was not used to was feeling stupid. She was not stupid. She had a medical degree and a PhD for crying out loud. She had all sorts of qualifications in the FBI. She had led classes and workshops with her expertise and experience. Now, she was not saying she was the smartest person in the room all the time, no. She hung out with Lena Luthor too often for that to be the case, but she was not stupid.
If I'm not stupid, how could I do something this stupid? She kissed Sawyer in some desperate attempt to give meaning to her gloomy existence, thinking for some reason that Sawyer might like her beyond a friendship. She even fooled herself into thinking Sawyer kissed her back. The look in Sawyer's eyes said it all. Stupid. But, then Sawyer spoke and said more.
"I'm with someone," Sawyer said.
Because, of course she was. Why wouldn't she be? Sawyer was witty and charming and wonderful. He was brave, selfless, and there for drunken idiots like Alex. Of course she had someone and, of course, she did not need Alex ruining that. Of course she did not need Alex.
"Look, you're great—" Sawyer started, but Alex had heard this speech too often.
Alex held up her hand. "It's fine." It was. It was life as she knew it. "I should head home." No need to further embarrass herself.
"Alex, at least let me help you home," Sawyer said.
"No, it's fine. I've got it," Alex replied and rushed off in the opposite direction. She did not live this way, not that it mattered. She lived too far to walk home, anyway. She just needed to be away from her own stupidity.
"Alex, wait!"
Alex did not. She could not be sure, but she thought she heard "I'll call you." That was a lie, and she did not need any of her advanced degrees to realize that.
Alex made it home, sweaty thanks to the hot night, and the long walk. She showered and managed to get into some pajamas, shorts and sleeveless t-shirt. She collapsed in bed and woke up to a text, from Lena, not Sawyer. A text from Lena tended to brighten her day. It tended to get her brain going and helped the morning along.
That was not the case today. Humans are awful creatures. There are people saying Kara deserved what happened to her and worse. They're saying someone should've harvested her organs.
Alex groaned, her head throbbing as she responded. You know better than to be on social media. Stay off it. She was not sure why Lena was on any social media sites now. Humanity was a cesspool and social media was the bottom of the horrible barrel. They all were supposed to stay off of social media, unless they were specifically looking at things that made them happy.
Maybe if I checked it more often, I would've known people were literally gunning for me.
Alex yawned and scratched her head, mussing her short hair more than she already knew it was. You pay people for that. Let them do their jobs. If Lena did not let those people do what they were supposed to, she would go out of her mind.
They obviously aren't. PR isn't working. My security got tied up because other people were at the banquet to harm me and that's why Kara was injured. I just want to help people, but they all think I'm a demon. They think this so much, they're fine with Kara being hurt. With Kara being killed and carved up!
That last bit was like a punch to Alex's already cramping stomach. She should eat something, but she was not ready to get out of bed. Instead, she focused on responding to Lena. I know, Lena. Don't take it to heart. Of course it was hard, especially with Kara being hurt and someone daring to suggest Kara should have been hurt more. That solved nothing.
But humans are evil. How could anyone wish harm on Kara?
Alex agreed. Her sister was the most trusting, kindest, sweetest person on Earth. Only a monster would want to hurt her. These people did not know Kara or Lena. There was no reason to hurt either of them. Lena did just want to help people. She had nothing to do with the guy stealing and using her product for evil. She had been developing the drug for the good of mankind. Why did no one see that?
Lena continued on. First, this man steals a drug I was developing to help organ transplants and uses it to cause unbelievable harm and now this. I understand anger, but to try to kill me? To hurt Kara and say she deserved worse? Those things don't make any sense.
Alex sighed and rolled over onto her back. She rubbed her eyes as this was clearly going to take up at least her morning. Lena don't let that consume your thoughts. You should take a break. She knew better than anybody the dark places a mind could go when Kara was threatened and, worse, injured.
Take a break? I have to do more. I have to do something. Kara was hurt, hospitalized. How can this not consume my thoughts? She could imagine Lena's frown and how her angry fingers pressed on her phone as she typed that out.
Alex blew out a breath and tried to think of what to tell Lena as it felt like her brain was ready to ooze out of her ear. It hurt that Lena was aching so much and her heart went out to Lena in the worst way. Okay, you're right. Turn your concerns into actions. That's what you do. People are awful. Fix it. Lena's whole goal was to have L-Corp help people, so she needed to remind people of that.
The reply took a moment. You're right.
Have a good day, Lena. Alex got up to begin her day. She had work. Gotta look somewhat alive, at the least.
While no one would say anything about how Alex looked, she knew agents liked to gossip about her behind her back. Most of the time, she did not care, but right now, everything was raw and shredded within her. She needed to feel good about herself. Or at least project that she felt good about herself.
So, she took a shower, even though she took one last night. This one was about scrubbing away the grim of her mistakes. This was about regaining her intelligence, her cool. I'm not stupid.
She should put Sawyer behind her. She had moped about being needed, but it sounded like Lena needed her. And, she was Kara's big sister. Kara needed her and she would be there in Kara's corner. That put some pride in her spine and got her moving. She needed to be there for them.
She finished getting ready with more speed than she was used to and still had to put a move on it. She needed to get going since she had to take the bus to work. Once she made it to work, she was able to grab some coffee and a bagel for breakfast in the cafe in the lobby. She started to feel human again as she sipped her coffee and went up to her office. Her head still hurt, but she would not have to deal with many people as long as she stayed in her office for the day. I should've taken my own advice and took a break, but I need to get some work done.
Alex went through the motions of doing her paperwork until it felt like she had been there long enough and done enough work to call Kara and check on her. Kara smiled as soon as she popped up on FaceTime. Of course, that made Alex smile.
"Alex!" Kara's voice was a happy chirp as always and her smile was as bright as always. Hard to believe some jerk shot her or tried to hurt her wife.
"How are you feeling?" Alex asked.
"Sore, but I'm getting all the donuts I want." Kara moved the phone, so Alex could see the box of donuts on the coffee table. It looked like Kara had already eaten quite a few. She grabbed one with chocolate on top and shoved most of it in her mouth.
Alex chuckled. "So, heaven?"
"Of course." She took another big bite out of her donut. "I get all the treats I want and Lena's waiting on me hand and foot. It's awesome." There was another smile, but there was no light in her eyes like when she was truly happy.
Alex knew Kara too well. She might have that happy face on, but she was boiling over that someone tried to harm Lena. It was just that she could not do anything about it at the moment, so she hid her rage under her cheery facade. It was an old habit. A bad habit, but Alex was the last person to speak on bad habits.
Kara giggled as she gobbled down the rest of her donut in her mouth. "Yup, and Ms. Grant gave me permission to write a three article series about my experience, which is good, so I can explain Lena to everyone. They can get to know her through me."
"So, you're going to write Lena out of this mess?"
"I can write my way out, her way out. I've got this."
"And you're going to out yourself as Lena's wife." It was teasing. Kara never hid her marriage. It just was not something they broadcasted. It was a little funny when people assumed Kara and Lena were best friends. But, then again, Kara and Lena were best friends, which made their marriage even sweeter.
Kara laughed. "It's still funny to me that people are surprised we're married."
"Same last names help." Neither of them had taken the other's name and they did not hyphenate either.
"We know, but we want to make it on our own. You know how we are. How are you? You gonna come by and see me?"
"You want me to bring you pot-stickers." It would be nice to see Kara. It might help her get her head together and she would be able to help Kara focus rather than let her anger eat away at her insides.
"Well, I was shot. I deserve all the pot-stickers."
Alex smiled. "You do. That was reckless."
Kara rolled her eyes, but had the good manners not to mention Alex would have done the same thing. But, Alex was a trained FBI agent while Kara was protective and impulsive. "Believe me, Lena hasn't let me forget. But, better me than her."
"I'd rather neither of you." Alex would take bullets for both of them, as well as shoot whoever the hell dared hurt them. In fact, I should check on what's going on with the asshole who shot Kara. Yes, he was arrested, but she wanted him to suffer if possible.
"That would be ideal." Blue eyes looked away. Something had Kara's attention. "Oh, I have to go. See you later."
"Yeah, see you later." Alex sighed and put the phone down. She had work to do and samples to check on. Plus, calls to make to find out about the shooter. Yes, NCPD made it seem like it was open and shut, but she did not trust them.
She kept busy. She had more than enough to keep her mind going, trying not to think about Sawyer. While doing her work, she got a few emails about the shooter. He was still in jail, denied bail, and facing a slew of charges. Phone calls also came into her office phone, some about work, and others assuring her that the shooter was alone, so Kara and Lena were not in immediate danger. That was good. Well, not in danger from that guy, but there could be others.
Lena said her bodyguards had been preoccupied with other threats and that was how the shooter got close to her. The police and her own people, the FBI, were listening out to make sure no one else tried to assassinate the CEO of L-Corp. She checked to make sure Lena had her own people watching her back, too. They needed as many people as possible on this. She would not allow for anyone to harm Kara or Lena. She would not be able to live with herself if something happened, something.
As it all started coming into her, Alex got a chance to realize she almost lost Kara. The very thought was horrifying. It was unimaginable. She shook those thoughts away, would not let them creep up on her. She had to keep busy.
Alex was properly distracted, moving about her office and lab, going from paperwork to evidence samples, when her cell phone buzzed. She took her time getting it. She did not want to get her hopes up that it was Sawyer. Still, her heart jumped in her chest.
But, it was Lena and that made her smile. Science back on her brain. Guess she didn't take a break. It was good that Lena was doing what Lena did, though. Lena had to piece herself back together as best she could and Alex was more than happy to help with that.
I need a favor. That was unusual for Lena to say, but they were in unusual times.
Anything. Anything within reason, but still, Alex was pretty sure there was nothing she would not do for Lena.
Lena's request was within reason. She wanted contact information for a neuroscientist Alex was "friends" with. Alex just happened to know the woman in passing, as she was not really friends with anyone. Alex passed it along, not thinking much of it. It was good Lena wanted to do science. It would help her stop worrying.
Alex went about her day, trying not to wait for Sawyer to reach out. She never did. Alex was not surprised. She ruined that. You always ruin your own life. There was more than enough evidence of that, like her continued desire for Lena's attention. Love and life did not discriminate, but whether Alex acted or waited, she got nothing back.
-8-8-8-8-
Alex secured the bag of pot-stickers and dumplings for Kara as she let herself into Kara and Lena's home. It was quiet as she made her way through the penthouse, but she could hear voices as she made her way deeper into the massive space. The couple was in the bedroom, cuddled together in their king-sized bed, watching a movie on a large television on the wall opposite the bed.
"Hey," Alex said in a low voice, not wanting to disturb the scene. It was almost impossible to find Lena and Kara in the bed with so many pillows and their blanket pulled up around them.
"Alex and pot-stickers!" Kara beamed, throwing her hands up.
Alex laughed. "At least I got top billing."
"Better than usual," Lena said.
That was true. "Yeah, she doesn't usually acknowledge me at all with pot-stickers."
"That was me with the donuts earlier," Lena said.
Kara smiled. "You know how I feel about you and you know how I feel about pot-stickers." She turned to Lena and kissed her cheek. "Just like you know how I feel about you and how I feel about donuts."
"She loves them more than us," Lena said.
"I always suspected," Alex replied.
"Hey, hey, hey!" Kara waved them off with her good arm.
Alex rolled her eyes and handed over her bounty. Kara practically snatched the bag. She hugged the bag to her chest and then wiggled over, making space for Alex. Well, really signaling that she wanted Alex to stay. Alex settled down next to her and looked at the television. Grease. She should have known.
"How many times have you watched this?" Alex asked. It was Kara's go-to movie when she was expected to stay in bed for a long stretch of time. She sang every song.
"We have a system. I'm not watching Grease on a loop," Lena replied.
"What about Onward?" Kara asked with a laugh.
Lena groaned. "You just like Onward because siblings. Same reasons you're so stuck on Frozen."
Kara grinned. "Don't forget Lilo and Stitch, too."
Alex chuckled and rubbed Kara's head. "My little Stitch."
"Hey!" Kara gave her a non-threatening glare. "Despite Alex being mean right now, siblings rule. You know that." Kara bumped Lena with her shoulder. Lena chuckled and pressed a kiss to Kara's shoulder. They were so adorable. But, watching them left a hollow space inside of Alex. Typically, she could ignore it, but it throbbed for some reason now.
"I love that you're accusing me of being mean when I just brought you pot-stickers. Guess I'll never do that again," Alex said.
Kara gasped. "No, no, no. I love you, I love you, I love you. Come on, stay awhile." She slapped the pillow next to her.
Alex kicked her boots off and made herself comfortable on the bed. They watched Grease for the umpteenth time as Kara carefully ate her pot-stickers and managed to sing along. When they found a new movie, the Mary Poppins sequel or remake or whatever the hell it was, Lena got up.
"Take me with you," Alex said.
"One of us has to stay here with Kara. It should be you," Lena replied.
"Why should it be me? You agreed until death do you part," Alex said.
Lena shrugged. "If I have to watch this one more time, I'm going to kill Kara."
"What? This movie is amazing," Kara said.
"The original, yes. This is a mess," Lena replied.
"Well, this won't do. I want a divorce," Kara said.
Lena scoffed. "You're not the only Danvers who'll have me." She left the room with Alex's face on fire.
Kara laughed. "I get Alex in the divorce!" she shouted after Lena.
"That's what you think!" Lena shot back.
Kara rested against Alex. "Who I am kidding, we'd have joint custody. You can do all the science stuff with Lena. I know you both love it."
Alex wanted to sink into the bed. Kara did not know the extent she and Lena loved "all the science stuff." It did not need to be a secret, but it was. In the face of divorce, they would need to throw her away. She did not deserve people.
"Hey, we can watch something else if you really don't want to watch Mary Poppins. We're really into Hamilton again since it's streaming and I don't think you've seen it," Kara said.
"Huh? No, this is fine."
"You sure? Your face is all…" Kara scowled and traced a circle around her face with her finger.
Alex shook her head, hoping it would fix her face. She should not worry about her own woes. She needed to be support for Kara and Lena. She was there for them. They mattered.
"I'm good." Alex brushed some of Kara's hair out of her face. Kara studied her and wrinkled her nose in that way that showed she did not buy it.
She focused on the movie, even though they watched it at least a hundred times. Kara sang the songs and mouthed the dialogue as she gobbled down pot-stickers and dumplings. By the time Kara was ready for the next movie, she was also ready for more food. Alex got up to find Lena and see what she wanted since Kara had favorites all over. Lena was bent over her workbench in her workshop.
"You look like you're working hard," Alex said.
"I was struck with inspiration. People are awful. I want them to not be awful," Lena replied.
Alex could not argue that. She was one of those awful people. "Well, you can't do it on an empty stomach. I'm ordering for your songbird. What do you want?"
Lena's eyes never left her plans. "It doesn't matter."
Alex snorted. "It does. If I don't get it just right, you'll claim you're not hungry, so you can keep working."
Lena sighed and looked up at her. "That's just our way, isn't it?"
"Yes, and Kara can't badger you while she's stuck in bed, so I have to do it."
Lena laughed and turned to look at Alex for a moment. There was a light in her eyes, inspiration driving her to make the world a better place. "You damn Danvers. Fine. Surprise me since you know me so well."
Alex snorted. "Challenge me why don't you."
Ordering food for all of them was not hard, nor was it hard to stick around for the rest of the day until they had to sleep. Hard was going home and being alone. Hard was not hearing from Sawyer. Hard was facing how utterly alone she was.
-8-8-8-8-
Time went by and Alex had not heard from Sawyer. Lena was quiet, too, but she knew the cause there. Lena was working on some big project to change the world. Sawyer was probably enjoying life with her girlfriend. Shock shot through her when Sawyer stepped onto her crime scene, the parking lot of a bank. Sawyer swaggered over to her, all confidence as usual, draped in her black leather jacket.
"Sawyer, why is NCPD at my bank robbery?" Alex asked, testier than she meant. There was no reason for local law enforcement to be there. There was barely a reason for her to be there. Bank robbery was far from her expertise, but chemicals were involved and that was her wheelhouse.
Sawyer gave her a rather nonchalant shrug, like her anger did not mean anything. And why should it? It was not like she meant anything to Sawyer. "A couple of your bank robbers are suspects in a homicide."
Alex blew out a breath and scratched her forehead. "Of course they are." From what she could tell about the group, they probably had all been collectively charged with every crime on the books. After all, it was not an ordinary criminal who decided to rob a bank with a chemical weapon. "You know we're not handing them over, right?" It was not personal. Sawyer had to know that.
Sawyer scowled and the fire in her eyes was hot. "At least let me question the homicide suspects."
Alex had no problem with that, even as her guts trembled. She had never felt like this, like she wanted to throw up. Because you're stupid and you ruin things and one of those things is staring you right in the face right now. Alex swallowed all of that down and focused on being professional, like Sawyer was.
"You can question them down at FBI HQ. We can overwhelm all of them. ATF will probably show up any second now, even though the explosives were disarmed." Alex looked around. There were FBI black SUVs and several NCPD cop cars. She was a little surprised by how late the ATF was to the party.
Sawyer arched an eyebrow. "They used a bomb to rob the bank?"
"They did a lot of stuff to rob the bank. It was like seven bank robbery plans for one bank. I've got to go…" Alex pointed away. Her cool was drained, her error running through her mind on a loop, reminding her that she ruined everything. She had to get away.
"Hey, Danvers," Sawyer called after she was a few steps away. "We should talk later."
"Yeah, sure." It did not matter. She rushed off. Sawyer would not talk to her anyway. After all, there was all this time they could have talked and Sawyer had been silent.
Alex avoided Sawyer at the crime scene and made it back to her office/lab without being bothered beyond being handed things for her normal duties. She did not take into account Sawyer knew where to find her. After about an hour, Sawyer found her hunched over her computer. Alex did not have the strength for this.
"Hey, Danvers," Sawyer said.
"Sawyer," Alex replied with her heart in her stomach, being dissolved by the acid there. She tried to keep her focus on her computer, but she could hardly remember what she was even doing. She glanced at Sawyer, but made it seem like she was still working.
Sawyer nibbled her bottom lip for a moment, which did not help. "So, I sort of vanished for a while."
Alex waved that off. "It's okay. You have your life and everything. Your partner." Why the fuck did you say that? Why not literally shoot yourself in the foot while you're at it? That would probably be less painful than this. Hell, it would probably get her out of this.
"Yeah, about her…" Sawyer blew out a breath as she rubbed the back of her neck, daring to look adorably sheepish. "Sorry I never mentioned her."
Alex's heart pinged, cracked, and turned to dust. Why is she doing this to me? "You don't owe me anything. I had no right to touch you."
Sawyer glanced away. "It's fine."
Now, Alex frowned. She did not need this type of cop out. She knew better. "Obviously not. That was not right of me and I'm sorry."
"Look, my relationship is complicated, but you're a good friend. I shouldn't have handled things that way."
Alex shook her head. "It's your business." She needed this conversation to be over and start to figure out what the hell she would do the next time she saw Sawyer at a crime scene. Definitely can't run and hide like this.
Sawyer nodded and had mercy on them both by leaving. "See you around, Danvers."
Alex's luck was just bad enough for that to be the truth. She did not have time to dwell on it. Her phone rang and she was glad for the excuse to focus on something else.
"Agent Danvers," she answered.
"Doctor Danvers, it's Doctor Madison."
"Oh, hi. How's working with Lena?" It was probably an exciting project.
"That's why I'm calling," he replied. "I think you need to check on her. She has good goals and pure intentions, but this project is very unethical."
Alex frowned. "That doesn't sound like Lena." Lena did everything aboveboard, never wanting to be lumped in with her brother.
"I think the attempt on her life has really pushed her. Well, more the fact that her wife was hurt and could've been killed. Either way, this project is taking things way too far. Has she told you about the project?"
"No, she hasn't." And that was weird in and of itself. Lena was never silent about her projects. She always picked Alex's brain about every little thing she was working on, especially if she was working on it personally. Instead, their text thread had been quite silent for a long while. Oh, something is so wrong.
"Well, let me tell you…"
-8-8-8-8-
Alex could not believe Lena! She understood Lena was upset, but this was going way too far. She went to L-Corp to talk to Lena, finding her down in her lab.
"You're trying to mind control people!" Alex barked as soon as she walked through the doors of the high tech lab. At least four of her labs could fit in this one lab. Lena spared no expense.
Lena jumped from the table and put her hands up, as if to keep Alex at bay. "Not mind control. I'm just trying to help people control their anger."
Alex wanted to tear her hair out at how calm Lena was to the whole matter. "By turning off their emotions at your whim." This was not something to be taken lightly.
Lena's eyes glistened, silently pleading with Alex to understand. "To keep them from hurting others. Think of the good this can do."
"I know this is about people bad mouthing Kara and someone hurting Kara, but Kara wouldn't want this. People are entitled to their emotions."
Lena glared at her. "But, they aren't entitled to hurt other people. People are awful. This can help."
"Lena, this is a bad idea. You have to reconsider." Alex could not believe she even needed to say something.
Lena pressed her hands together. "Alex, imagine how much good this could do. Stop domestic violence, murder, and so many other things."
While all of those things sounded good, turning people into zombies was not the move. "You can't take away freewill and expect people to welcome that. Think this over."
Lena's glare was worse than before, eyes on fire. "Fine."
Alex sighed, confident Lena would come to her senses. She was so wrong. Lena was determined, too bad it was in the wrong thing.
-8-8-8-8-
When the news broke, Alex was more pissed than anything else. Not only had Lena gone ahead with her project, but she had experimented on prisoners in a prison L-Corp owned. The media wasted no time comparing Lena to her brother Lex. How could Lena do this after Alex told her it was wrong? Why the hell didn't she just listen to me?
Alex raced to Kara and Lena's place, wanting to be there as support. She pushed her bike to the limit, getting from her house to the penthouse in record time. There were press already staked outside, looking very much like an angry mob. Alex got by them with no problem. She went up to the penthouse and fond Lena in the living room.
"Alex, thank goodness you're here. You can help me explain," Lena said.
Alex stared her down with flared nostrils. She could not believe how pissed she was with Lena. She never thought she would be so angry with Lena and want to throw her out of the way. "I'm not here for you."
Lena flinched. "What?"
"I'm here for Kara. She's been the best thing in both of our lives and you just spat on her belief in you. She's the sweetest, kindest person and always had faith in you, trust in you. She always defends you and you did this."
"It was to make the world a better place!"
"A better place?" Alex stepped into Lena's face and glared at her with the full force of her fury. "You have the better place right here. You have Kara and her love. I trusted her to you and you did this." Kara had to be devastated because she thought Lena was an angel and it turned out Lena was a Luthor.
"I wanted to protect her."
"You wanted to protect yourself. You wanted everyone to see the good you do and you flushed that down the toilet. You made a fool of Kara, who always defends you to any and everyone who will listen. She gushed about you in articles that were supposed to be about her experience being shot. This woman took a bullet for you and you turned into the exact thing the media said you were. You just wanted to do what you want." Alex pushed by her.
"Alex!" Lena grabbed her hand. "I need you."
"Kara needs me." Alex yanked her hand back and walked to the bedroom. Kara was tucked into a ball on the bed, blanket wrapped around her as if it was a shield. Alex gathered her in her arms and Kara cuddled into her, burying her face in Alex's shoulder as she silently cried. Kara was the only one who deserved good. Everyone else was the villain in the story. Even me.
-8-8-8-8-
Next time: the end.
