Summary: Memories are resurfaced as a face brings everything back for Jack and Nikki. Will this be the tipping point for Jack? Or will Nikki catch him before he falls?
Bang. It all went black. His body dropped to the floor with a thud. The rest of them scurried away like rats. The body lying in the middle, the blood pooling around him. The gunman lowered his arm, his chest rising and falling. He felt people tugging at him, shouting in his ear. Telling him they had to go as the sirens sounded off in the distance. He eventually moved, now running for his life, the money stashed away in his pocket.
"Oh come on Jack," Sam rolled her eyes at her fellow colleague. Smiling as she caught the glint in Nikki's eye. "Look, I'm paying for it and we all deserve to have at least one night off. We could do with cheering up after what happened last month," she looked over at Evan.
He'd only come back last week, still recovering from his injuries. But he was doing better and he was coming to terms with Theo's death now that they had managed to convict the man and he was doing time for his crime. Jack and Nikki had been doing their best to look after him as well. Constantly checking up on him and making sure that he was looking after himself. He did seem to be getting on with things well but Sam kept that extra eye on him so she could be sure he was coping and wasn't doing too much.
Jack opened his mouth to speak but they were interrupted by the shrill of the phone. Sam moved, picking the phone up and pressing it to her ear, "Professor Ryan," she answered. She nodded as she wrote down the address the person on the other end of the line was reeling off to her. She eventually hung up; her eyes flicking between the other three people in the room. "They've found a body, about ten minutes from here," she was looking at Nikki now. "I think I'll do this one. If you don't mind."
"Go ahead," Nikki shook her head as she sat down at her desk; the coffee cup held firmly in her hands. "I've got plenty to be getting on with. I can still help with the post mortem though if you want."
"Of course," she beamed before heading into her office to collect her stuff. She buttoned her coat up as she walked past Nikki once again and made her goodbyes. She was met outside in the car by Jack and Evan who were raring to go.
They arrived at the scene quickly despite the traffic that was beginning to build up. All three suited up before they passed under the tape. It was in the middle of a park, the man just left to die on the floor. They had set up a tent over the body to prevent onlookers from having to see the body. And as Jack looked around, he could see the crowd forming already.
Sam led the way but he felt his heart dropping as he laid eyes on the detective, this was going to be a barrel of laughs, he thought to himself.
"DI Kate Ashton," she held her hand out to greet Sam, her eyes moving to connect with Jack's. "Hello Jack."
"Professor Sam Ryan," Sam shook her hand, her head turning to Jack as he gave the woman a grunt in response; his fingers gripping the handle on his case harder. She shook her head, not wanting the gory details of how he knew her. "Shall we got on with it then?"
"Of course," Kate smiled sweetly as she guided them to the tent.
Jack stopped by the entrance, feeling all the air being pushed out of his lungs. The panic was rising up his throat as he stared at the body on the floor; his knuckles turning white against the handle now. He swallowed, his eyes scanning up and down the body. He closed his eyes but that made it worse, the memories flashing in his mind all over again.
The crack of the gun, the man's body dropping to the floor. The anger surging through him as he thought of how he was now further away from finding Nikki than he was before. He had phoned her, promised her that he would find her. But he didn't know how. Didn't know where to start. Getting El Buitre out of prison was his way of getting her back. And now he was dead. And that was his fault. He'd still be alive if Jack stuck his ground and went against their wishes.
But it was Nikki. The woman he loved. The woman that he would do absolutely anything for. Even get a man killed. He was angry at her. At her stubbornness. At her unwillingness to let things go; to take a step back and realise that it wasn't her place to get involved. This whole situation had nothing to do with them, they shouldn't be here. Nikki shouldn't be in a box in the middle of the ground. But that was Nikki all over, unable to say no. Unable to leave things alone.
He was angry at himself. Angry at being unable to stop himself from loving her. He recalled Gustavo mentioning to Nikki how they take the ones you love. He had thought over all the little moments he had given that away in the short time they had been there. The lingering touches, the bickering. The way he would do anything to protect her.
Eva had seen that, she had watched them. She had known that he would go to great lengths to make sure that Nikki was safe. And he had proven her right. He had got a man killed just so he wouldn't lose her. So he would be able to touch her and hold her in his arms again.
He had thought about that early morning, when they were sat on the terrace, watching the sunrise. He had wanted to kiss her then, he didn't know why it had been that moment specifically. Perhaps it was because it had just been the two of them for the past couple of days, no one to interrupt or distract them. Being away from England, allowing themselves to see each other in a different light. Perhaps it had been the way she had rested her head on his shoulder, very nearly admitting defeat. Or perhaps he thought that if he had kissed her, then he would've been able to convince her to go back with him, to get out of this country and go home.
He tried not to think about how his bedroom was next to hers, how she would wander in and sit on the end of his bed because she couldn't sleep and she needed to reel off all her theories she had managed to conjure up. It had only been a couple of days but she had thrown herself head first into it all, typical Nikki. He would never admit to the times he had wanted to take her hand in his, pull her towards him and capture her lips with his own. It had been too tempting. And it wasn't as if these people knew them. Not that well anyway. Nobody would pass judgement and if Jack was being honest, most of them probably thought they were together anyway.
But then he'd remind himself of the fact he had gone out there, on Thomas' wishes, to bring her home. To be the one to tell her to walk away. To give up. But she was his Achilles heel. All she had to do was give him a certain look and he would be eating out of her palm. And that was what had brought them here. More people were dead and more people were lost. He wished he was stronger, that he would be able to say no to her. But he loved her and he would do anything for her.
He was brought from his thoughts by a hand on his arm and Sam calling his name. He gulped as his eyes connected with hers, he urged for the tears to not spill over the edge. She had asked if he was alright. Or at least that's what he thought she had said, he had given her a nod of his head, excusing himself as he walked away.
He had mumbled something about needing to get some space as Sam watched him walk away, confusion all over her face. She had her fair share of anxiety inducing crime scenes but there was something about this one in particular that was affecting Jack and she couldn't understand why. They had seen plenty of bodies with gun shot wounds, this wasn't that different to any other. And then there was the detective, definitely some history there which probably wasn't helping. Jack had never been like this at a crime scene before - or at least, she had never known him to be like this.
If it wasn't for the fact that she needed to get on with the job she would've followed after him; make sure he didn't do anything stupid. But she patted Evan on the back and encouraged him to just get on with it. Jack will be back in five minutes and he'll have some kind of an explanation for his behaviour.
His chest tightened as he reached the car. He rested his hands against the windows, needing something solid to ground him as the panic surged through him. His heart was beating rapidly as he struggled to catch his breath. He was scared to close his eyes again, not wanting to see the vivid images. But he needed to do something that would calm him. He pattered for his phone in his pocket, he needed to hear her voice. Her soft, dulcet tones that had an incredible way of soothing him when he was like this.
But he was distracted by DI Ashton calling his name and heading in his direction. This was the last thing he needed.
"How is everything Jack?" she asked softly, stopping by the car.
"Fine," he replied through gritted teeth. He didn't want to lose his temper, he had swiftly forgotten about what happened between himself and DI Ashton; happy to put it to bed in the hopes that he'd never have to see her again. But now she was here, he could feel himself growing annoyed again. And he could do without that, especially with his mind already whirring with bad memories.
"Look Jack if there's going to be a problem I can ask-"
"No, there's not a problem," he interrupted, straightening his back up. He'd be damned to let her get her own way. She was the one in the wrong after all, if anyone should be taking a step back it should be her. She was the one who took advantage of him so why should he be punished? He picked his case up from the floor and made his way to the crime scene once again.
He pushed all of his thoughts down despite them threatening to escape and fill his mind. He wasn't going to let DI Ashton win and he wasn't going to let the memories of Mexico win either. It was all in the past now, buried, he had moved on.
Sam was taking photos of the body when he returned. Evan had been collecting blowfly larvae from the body and placing them in various tubes. He took a deep breath, calming himself as the tattoos on the body stared back at him. They were similar to the ones on El Buitre which wasn't making any of it easier. The man's face decorated to look like a skull, every inch of his body decorated with some kind of image. His nostrils flared as the shiver ran down his spine. He counted to ten in his head and stepped into the tent.
Sam watched him closely, trying to gauge any emotion from him. He remained fairly stoic but she could see that he was trying his best to not let his mind get the better of him. She made a mental note to bring him up on it later. If this case was going to bother him then she would rather he take a step back. Although she doubted that she would be able to convince him to do that. She had barely been able to convince Evan and although the two were similar, Jack was a completely different kettle of fish to the young boy.
It had been a few hours since they had been at the scene and Jack had seemed to have disappeared. Sam didn't question it, half expecting him to wander off after seeing his reaction to the body. She just hoped that once he had sorted everything out that he would come back to her with some kind of an explanation.
She was sat on the bench waiting for Nikki to finish getting ready, "Have you spoken to Jack yet?" She called out as Nikki emerged from around the corner.
Nikki shook her head at the older woman. She did wonder where Jack had gone but she had just assumed that it had something to do with the case but evidently not, given Sam's question.
"Something wasn't right at the scene earlier," Sam explained.
Nikki listened closely, the worry that had been buried in the pit of her stomach soon resurfacing as she remembered the conversation she'd had with Evan not too long ago. When he told her that Jack had pinned a potential suspect down onto his table. And she couldn't exactly forget when he'd knocked fifty bells into the man who had been trying to strangle Evan. But both those times could be justified so she didn't over think them too much.
Sam continued as Nikki remained silent; curious to know more. "He took one look at the body and he left, it looked as though he was having a panic attack."
Nikki's brows furrowed, that wasn't like Jack at all. And unlike those other times she couldn't explain this one. At least with them, someone had provoked him into reacting in the ways that he did. But from the sounds of it so far, nothing could've provoked him and he didn't lose his temper. He just walked away. She shrugged her shoulders, "I don't know."
"When you find him or manage to get hold of him, tell him I need to speak to him please," Sam stood up, leading the way into the mortuary. The thick plastic sheeting shuffling as they passed through it. "If there's something wrong then I need to know so I can provide…" she trailed off, noticing that Nikki had stopped walking.
That was it. That was why Jack had walked away. It had felt as though someone had squeezed her lungs and the bile was rising up her throat. She swallowed it down, reaching out to grab onto the side before she fell to the ground. She could feel her whole body shaking as Sam stared at her, the expression on her face was a baffled one. Nikki tried her best to take a deep breath but it was as though there was no air around her. She was breathless again. She was trapped again. She daren't close her eyes, knowing that the moment the darkness took her was the moment she'd be back in the box; screaming and clawing for her life.
Sam walked over to her, placing a gentle hand on her arm, "Nikki what's wrong?" She questioned, her voice slow and calm. This was starting to get weird. Both Jack and Nikki having the same visceral reaction to the sight of a body was strange and she was beginning to wonder what the hell had happened between them that involved a heavily tattooed man.
Nikki's eyes searched Sam's as the tears dripped down her cheeks, the feeling of her hand on hers pulling her back into the room. Her sight focused on the body behind Sam's shoulder again. She knew it wasn't him, she knew that there wasn't a single chance that it could be him. Jack had told her that he had died out there. He never explained how and she never asked. She didn't care. But his face had remained ingrained on her brain, she'd see him in the reflection of glasses, in mirrors. His face haunting her dreams. And he wasn't exactly easy to forget.
She had been in close contact with him so many times. He had spat in her face. She had saved his life against her own wishes. He didn't deserve to be saved but she had to do it to get her friend back. She had threatened him with a needle as she begged him to tell her where Luisa was. He was the reason she had ended up in the box, she had lost her temper. She had been banned from giving him his medication. She had lost the access that Eva needed. The access that had passed over to Jack. He had been the only person who would be able to break El Buitre out of prison and he wouldn't do it unless he had a reason to. Nikki was his reason.
As she looked over at the man lying on the slab she couldn't help but spot out the similarities and for the first time since Mexico she felt scared. Truly scared. She took a step back from Sam, no longer being able to keep herself in the room. She pushed past the plastic sheeting; not bothering to get changed as she made her way back to the offices.
Her hands reached out to lean on her desk, she took deep breaths. In through her nose and out through her mouth. She calmed herself slowly, feeling her rate reaching a normal pace. She let out a sigh as she glanced over at his empty desk. He hadn't come back yet. And right at this present moment she wished he would. She needed to hear his voice, the voice that had kept her sane for the fifteen hours. The voice that said so much despite saying so little. It was moments like this where she realised she needed Jack more than anything. He was her rock, her soulmate. Her equal.
She ran her hands through her hair as she flopped down on her seat. The picture of herself, Jack, Clarissa and Thomas that sat on her desk staring back at her. Her lips twitched fondly as she thought about her makeshift, surrogate family. The happy memories diminishing as she remembered how quickly it had been destroyed and taken away from her just like everything else. And now she was scared of losing Jack, that this would be the final straw. The thing to tip him over the edge. She picked up the phone on her desk, dialling the number she had memorised.
The dial tone rang out for what felt like forever before eventually reaching his voicemail. The small hint of his voice bringing some kind of comfort to her but she needed more than that. She placed the phone back down in it's holder; knowing it would be pointless trying to bombard him with phone calls. If he didn't answer the first time then he wasn't going to answer the fifth time.
Sam had made good progress with the post mortem as DI Ashton watched from the observation room. For the most part he was healthy, there was slight cirrhosis of the liver and she had found atheroma in the heart. She was able to place his age around mid to late thirties. The gun shot wound to the head was the definite cause of death; there were no other injuries on the body. No signs of a struggle. There was no powder tattooing around the entrance of the bullet so it hadn't been a close range shot. The lack of an exit wound meant Sam had found a bullet lodged into the back of his skull. She collected all her evidence and took blood samples for toxicology.
"Any luck on an ID?" DI Ashton asked suddenly, breaking the silence.
Sam shook her head, "But I doubt we're going to struggle finding out who he is," she glanced briefly at the body. "He's not exactly going to blend into a crowd. I will check against dental records and I've sent off bloods, so we might get something back on DNA if he's on the system."
DI Ashton noted down the information, "Before you go," she started, grabbing Sam's attention. "I'm going to ask for Jack to be taken off the case. After last time I don't feel comfortable working so closely with him."
Sam's eyebrows knitted together. This was turning out to be a very bizarre day. She waited for DI Kate Ashton to provide an explanation as to why she wanted Jack to be removed off the case but she had disappeared, obviously wanting to keep the conversation short and sweet. She scoffed to herself as she peeled her gloves off, someone was going to have to start telling her what the hell was going on.
She got changed, her mind whirring with thoughts and ideas. Nothing from this day was making sense. Both Nikki and Jack had walked away after seeing the body and now DI Ashton was asking for Jack to be removed from the case. She shook the thoughts from her head, trying not to overthink it too much; she knew someone would give her an answer one way or another.
As she walked down the hallway she was met by Nikki sat at her desk; still in her scrubs. She was staring blankly in front of her as though she was lost in her own world. And from the expression on her face, it clearly wasn't a world she wanted to be stuck in. Sam edged closer, not wanting to startle the woman. But she seemed to have gathered her attention from her presence; their eyes connecting.
"Do you want to talk about it?" Sam asked softly.
Nikki jumped, her head flicking to look behind her shoulder. She sighed, closing her eyes as she realised that it was just a reflection. She turned back to Sam, "When's Jack getting back, do you know?" She diverted, not particularly in the mood of wanting to bring up the whole Mexico ordeal even more; at least, not with someone who hadn't been through it all with her. Because Jack would understand her in ways that Sam wouldn't be able to. He had been there, he had experienced it all with her. She trusted Sam and she knew she could talk about anything with her but this was a conversation she needed to have with Jack.
Sam raised her eyebrows at Nikki, "Don't change the subject," she warned. But Nikki was standing up, putting the files that were spread out on her desk away. She quickly remembered that all her stuff was still in her locker. She tried to push past Sam but the older woman stopped her with an arm out in front of her. "Nikki."
Nikki gulped, her eyes searching Sam's, "I need to find Jack," she replied bluntly. Sam waited a moment, debating on whether to keep her there for an answer or to let her go. She decided on the latter, dropping her arm. Nikki moved quickly, not wanting to waste anymore time.
She got changed as fast as she could possibly manage and she was soon making her way back up the hallway and towards the entrance of the Lyell. She gasped as she was met by Jack on the other side of the door. He was wearing the same expression as her. She swallowed, opening the door to let him in.
"Where have you been?" She barely got out for the lump in her throat. But he didn't answer her, just continued through to his desk. She followed after him, hot on his tail. "Jack, please."
"I went back to the scene," he eventually answered, pulling out various evidence bags. "I found bullet casings. I didn't have much chance to look earlier."
She waited for him to continue, expected it almost. But it didn't come, "Jack I've seen the body."
Jack didn't look in her direction, finding himself being unable to. He just clenched his jaw, sticking his tongue to the roof of his mouth in an attempt to stop the tears that were threatening to escape. Nikki moved, perching herself on the edge of his desk and taking his hand in hers. She squeezed it tightly. Her heart dropped as the tears slipped down his cheeks. Without thinking her free hand came out to cup his cheek, her thumb wiping them away. She was pulling him into her then, her arms engulfing him as his arms wrapped around her waist. She ran her hands through his hair as he cried.
"I watched him die Nikki," he mumbled into her body. She loosened her grip on him but her hands remained at the back of his neck, her fingers brushing the short strands of hair at the nape. "It was my fault he was killed. I brought him to them. I watched them shoot him."
Nikki's eyebrows furrowed, "What?" She knew he hadn't been talking about the body that had arrived today. But she hadn't been expecting him to say that. This was news to her.
"I just wanted to get you back. I did everything I could but he died because of me," he let out, his voice wavering with each word. "Eva died because of me."
"Did you put those bullets in their heads Jack?" She spoke bluntly, her eyes fixed on his. He opened his mouth to argue against her point but she interrupted him. "They were going to kill them anyway, whether you broke him out of prison or not. This wasn't your fault Jack you just got caught up in the middle of it all. And that was my fault. If I hadn't gone out there in the first place, you would never have come after me."
Jack scoffed, "We're both as bad as each other then aren't we?"
Nikki smiled, it was a sad smile. She tried to hold the tears back but she could feel them forming as she gazed down at him, his cheeks still wet. She went to speak, she wasn't totally sure of what she was going to say. There was so much to be said, so many things she wanted to get off her chest and out in the open. But she couldn't do it. She couldn't bring herself to put words to those thoughts. She didn't have much time to think about it as Sam emerged from her office, heading towards the pair. Nikki was quick to drop Jack's hand. The back of her hand wiping away the tears.
"Jack I need to have a word," Sam announced, her arms folding. But he didn't move, just stared back at her. She glanced at Nikki briefly who too was just watching the woman, knowing that whatever she was about to say, Nikki wanted to be a part of it. Sam let out a deep breath, "DI Ashton has asked for you to be removed from the case."
"Excuse me?" he retorted, not anticipating her to come out with that one. Nikki's head flicked towards him, taken back by this sudden news. She knew something had happened between Jack and DI Ashton during the last case but she never thought it had ended badly enough for her to want him off the case.
"Did something happen?" Sam pushed, wanting an explanation to at least one of her questions from today. She had known DI Ashton had gone in search for Jack at the crime scene and now she was wondering if he had said anything to her that would cause this sudden reaction.
"This is bullshit," he huffed, feeling the annoyance growing inside him. He pulled himself up to his feet; wanting to escape and get out of the room. He shook his head, "If anyone should be taking a step back from this case it should be her. She's the one with the problem not me."
"I don't care what happened between you and her, Jack," Sam rose her voice to stand her ground against the taller man. "I agreed to taking you off the case on the basis of how you reacted earlier. Something about this particular case is clearly affecting you and I can't have that. I need people who are going to be objective and are going to have a clear mindset. So, for this case I want you to step away. You too, Nikki. I don't know what it is and it's your business but I can't let it have an effect on the case."
She walked away, not wanting an argument from either of them. She heard Jack storming off and Nikki calling after him. She sighed, this was going to be a long couple of days.
Nikki had pottered around for about ten minutes, wondering if it would be worth trying to find him. Her head told her just to leave it, he needed space to work things out in his head and in his own way. But her heart couldn't leave it alone and she had spent so long giving him space, she knew it was about time she stepped in and did something. He was suffering and he needed help and she needed to push him in the right direction.
She picked her bag up from the back of her chair and left the Lyell, making her way to the one place she knew he would be. She got there eventually, the cheers and the grunts bouncing off the walls. She could smell the sweat and testosterone. She had known which room it was, she'd come here more times than she would like to count.
She waited for a reply as she banged on the door but there was nothing. Pressing her ear against the wood she tried to listen out for any movement but it remained silent on the other side of the room. Her hand pushed down on the handle but it wouldn't budge; it was locked. Her face screwed up, he wasn't there. And she hadn't seen him in the cage so he couldn't be elsewhere.
"Can I help you love?" She heard a voice heading in her direction, she vaguely recognised him from before. His bald head and cockney accent. The man looked her up and down, pulling a face. "You're Jack's girl aren't you?"
Nikki's mouth hung open at his words, wondering what Jack had being saying for him to jump to that conclusion. She knew she had been here a lot over the years but not enough for him to suspect that they were a thing. "Uh, Jack and I aren't," she shook her head; her lips twitching. She changed the subject trying not to let it get in the way of the real reason she was here. "Have you seen him?"
"No, he hasn't been here for a couple of months, why?" The man answered, confusion all over his face. The last time he had seen Jack had actually been a few weeks ago, he had a feeling that he was losing his best fighter because of the blonde woman stood in front of him so he spared her that small detail. He had seen her face a fair few times over the years. Whenever he would bring her up in the conversation Jack would just brush it off - much like she was doing now. But they always seemed to be close and he just assumed, from the way that they were with each other, that they were together. Clearly not.
Nikki pondered for a moment, she had got it wrong. She could almost kick herself for not trusting him. He had promised her that he wouldn't come back here after all and it was a relief to know that he had stuck to his word, "It doesn't matter," she brushed off, pushing past the man.
"You're welcome," she heard him calling after her, she just rolled her eyes; her mind too busy worrying where Jack had gone.
He went home first. He wasn't totally sure why, he knew that that was the last place he needed or wanted to be. Being at home, on his own, allowed him to be lost with his thoughts. And that was the last thing he needed. His mind had been racing all day, the memories being stirred up once again. Except this time Jack wasn't sure he'd be able to squash them down. They were too strong. Too powerful. They were too much.
He tried to fight against it, he didn't want to succumb to the fear. His leg was shaking almost in a way to expel the emotions, something to distract him. But his chest was tightening and it was like the air was being sucked out of him. He ran his hands through his hair, he just wanted it to stop. He wanted the images to disappear, he wanted her screams silenced. But they didn't stop. They just got louder and louder until he couldn't take it anymore. He stood up and grabbed his bag from the counter; pulling it over his shoulder before heading out of the door.
There was one place that would get rid of the thoughts. One place that would take the pain away. He'd been to the gym a countless number of times but he tried not to do the fights so much anymore. Until recently. What happened to Thomas had brought it all back for him. And he had quickly returned to his self destructive ways; getting the life kicked out of him so he couldn't remember anything the next day. But it would soon come back and the vicious cycle would start again.
He couldn't even remember the car journey but he had somehow made it there. He pushed his way through the front doors and towards his substitute 'changing room' which was just a toilet with a piece of paper stuck over the door. He pushed the handle down, shocked to find it had been locked. Looking over his shoulder, his eyes caught with George, the man behind the whole thing.
"Jack Hodgson what are you doing here?" George asked, walking over to him. His face full of glee to see his best fighter. They shook hands. But then he was quickly reminded of the woman who had been here a mere few minutes ago. "That pretty blonde doctor was here looking for you."
Jack furrowed his brows but he wasn't completely surprised, "Nikki?"
"How many pretty blonde doctors do you know?" George chuckled, the man flicked his eyes to his watch. "You've only missed her by about ten minutes actually, I'm sure you can catch her up," he gave him a wink.
Jack shook his head, "Have you got any fights lined up for me?" He queried.
"For you Jack, yes," George grinned, plunging his hand into his pocket and pulling out a key. He passed it over to Jack. "Twenty minutes?"
Jack nodded, taking the key from the man and placing it into the lock. It hadn't changed at all, everything was in the same place. Almost as if no one else had been in here since the last time he had come here a couple of weeks ago.
He got changed, the cold air attacking his bare skin now as he bandaged his hands. As he wrapped the cloth around his knuckles he couldn't help but let his mind wander to the time Nikki had been here to do it. Her delicate fingers brushing against his skin as she expertly wrapped his hands whilst spouting off about the case they had been working on. He'd asked if she came to see him fight, he hadn't been able to hide his disappointment when she said no. He wanted her to watch him, he would've been sure to put in more effort if she had. But he had won that night anyway and he'd called her his lucky charm.
Then there was the time Ryan had sprung back into his life and in typical Nikki fashion, she had gone digging into his past; adamant to find out what had happened. She turned up at the gym as he beat his fists into the punch bag. He had nearly knocked her over when she appeared from behind it. He had cursed himself at the time for imagining how it would feel to push her up against the wall. To hear how her body would thud on the bricks as his teeth attacked her flesh. How she would gasp and grip at his skin. His thoughts and feelings had always been heightened when he was at the gym and her turning up out of the blue only made them more vivid. He hadn't fought that day, although he had been tempted. He would've asked her again but she would've said no.
He couldn't blame her for not wanting to watch though, things could get pretty nasty in the ring and he's had countless cuts and bruises over the years to prove that. Jack let out a sigh, he'd promised her he wouldn't do this. But she had known that he would end up here after everything that's happened today. She had known before him. It was like she was living inside of his mind, knowing every single thought that belonged to him.
But he supposed that he had let her do that; worm her way into every bit of his life. There wasn't a day that went by where she wasn't on his mind. She was always there. And he wasn't sure of how much more of it he could take. And now with all of this stuff from Mexico being brought up it meant other things were going to crawl out of the woodwork. Those sacred moments shared between them had been on his mind anyway, but seeing that dead man today made them so much more clear.
Her fingernails dragging against his flesh, her breath in his ear. The way she had squirmed under his touch. The small wounds he wished he could kiss away. He wanted the moment to last forever, to hold onto her and keep her safe; to protect her from the horrors in the world.
But he let her slip out of his grasp, he let her walk away. It was why he didn't speak to her for months, because he was scared that he wouldn't be able to control himself around her. There was a reason why she left that day, they had taken it too far. Overstepped the mark. Crossed the boundary they had so expertly put up.
The banging on the door interrupted his thoughts, it was time. He yanked the door open, nearly pulling it off its hinges. He was hyping himself up, trying to get into the mindset. He picked up the mouthguard from the counter and then he was following behind George. The adrenaline pumping around him now as he walked down the hallway he had made his way through a countless number of times. He could hear the shouting from the people and his heart was racing now. All thoughts of Nikki to the back of his head.
He reached the cage, his opponent already circling; riling the crowd. George was patting him on the back, "You've got this mate, he's got nothing on you," he grinned, pushing Jack into the cage. That was all he needed, a push in the right direction - or as Nikki would say, the wrong direction. He shot the thought down, he couldn't let her cloud his vision.
He paced around the cage as he sized his opponent up. George was right, this guy had nothing on him, he barely looked as though he could tie his own shoelaces. This was going to be an easy fight and Jack couldn't help but feel disappointed by that. He wanted a battle, he wanted someone to beat the guilt out of him.
Both men stopped, waiting for the announcement so they could start. The room was silent with anticipation and Jack's heart pounded even harder. He had missed this feeling, the thrill seconds before a fight. Nothing ever beat it. The blood coursing through his veins, the sweat dripping down his back.
And then they started, Jacks fists were up. His feet stepping around the perimeter of the cage, wondering who was going to throw the first punch. Jack waited, giving the other man the opportunity and the chance to make the move. But he could hear his name being chanted and it was spurring him on. He edged forward, closing the distance. His fist collided with the man's face, his body crumbling to the floor. There were cheers all around him. His breathing was heavy as he backed off; waiting for the man to pick himself up. He was worried for a split second as the man remained still but he was soon groaning and pushing himself up. Jack continued to walk around, trying to keep things moving.
What he hadn't quite anticipated was the force behind the mans punch. It had knocked him for six as he stumbled backwards. His back hitting the cage. He could feel the blood dribbling down his cheek already and his head was whirring. He had underestimated the other man, this wasn't going to be the easy fight he had thought it was going to be. This is what he came here for.
Nikki was sat on her chair in her living room, a glass of wine in one hand, her phone in the other. She had Jack's contact details open, her thumb hovering over his number. She had tried his apartment on her way home but there was no answer. And she hadn't seen his car either. He wasn't at the gym and he wasn't at his house. So, where was he? She didn't know where else she could've looked and she was starting to worry. And the last thing she wanted to do was ask his father if he had seen him, that would only start the questions and she didn't need to panic him; not after what happened last year.
She shook her head, chuckling at herself. He was a grown man she didn't need to keep tabs on him. But she also knew him better than she knew herself sometimes and she knew what kinds of trouble he could get himself in when these sorts of things happened. When he had allowed the guilt to take over him.
She hadn't been able to get any of it off her mind. All the ghosts coming back to haunt her. Every time she closed her eyes she would be back in the box and the panic attack would come along. In a selfish way that was why she wanted Jack. Of course she wanted to check he was doing okay and wasn't tipping over the edge, but she needed him. She needed him to hold her in the way he had when they found each other. The way he had gripped onto her as if she was going to disappear before his very eyes. It had made her feel wanted, important almost.
That was the first time their lips brushed. It had been an accident. Caught up in the moment. But then he had pressed his lips into hers hard; almost as if to confirm that she was actually there in front of him. Nikki hadn't had much time to react but she kissed him back with twice as much force. It was all she had thought about when she'd been stuck in that box. She thought she'd never get the chance to tell him, to show him, just how much he meant to her. Her hands had raked through his hair and she could taste the salt from his tears, or maybe it had been from the sea. She couldn't tell. Her mind more occupied by the fact his tongue was running along her bottom lip.
It had been then when it clicked for her that this was just more than a heat of the moment thing. This was something that had been building up for a long time. Something that had been threatening to spill since the first day she had met him. Deep down Nikki had always known how he felt towards her. The way he'd react when she'd introduce a new man to him was proof enough of that.
But she thought it was just going to be another Harry situation so she pushed her feelings down; to protect herself from the heartbreak. But with time it just got worse. She'd find herself feeling compelled to be in his presence, to be by his side. She'd stay up late worrying that he was beating himself into a coma - much like she was doing now. Her skin would tingle with excitement every time he'd brush past her. His voice would send shivers down her spine. Jack Hodgson had got under her skin and stolen her heart.
Being stuck in that box for fifteen hours with only his voice to pull her through had sent her mind in all kinds of directions. Had made her think about things she hadn't thought about in years. All the things she had tried to ignore. And then she'd hear his voice on the other end of the line and she yearned even more to have him with her. She could hear the desperation in his voice, the way he was trying to hold back the tears and she wanted to hold him more than she wanted him to hold her. She knew then that she loved him.
When he found her on the beach, when they kissed she thought that would be it. That would be the tipping point; they would finally admit everything to each other. But that moment never came. They had spent the night with each other. Jack had clawed at her skin, his lips had kissed every part of her. He had made her feel like she was the most important being in his world. Like she was the be all and end all. He made her feel whole. But at some point, some random hour in the morning. When his arm had wrapped around her waist; their bodies pressed together. The panic set in. She looked over at him, he looked peaceful; at one with the world.
But she couldn't do it. She knew that she would ruin that peace and end up breaking him. She had done that already by dragging him out there. He was sent there to bring her home but as usual she didn't want to listen. She didn't want to leave things alone. She had put him under all this stress because she still hadn't learned to let things be. And she was scared that it would be worse next time and she couldn't do that to him. She wouldn't be able to live with herself if she knew that she been the reason for his heartache.
She kissed him one last time and then she left, booking the next flight to New York. She wanted to see Harry, to speak to him. He would be able to make sense of it all. Someone on the outside that would tell her she's being an idiot.
When she had eventually got there, they had stayed up all night talking. She told him about everything that had happened, everything she had felt. Everything except what had happened between her and Jack. She couldn't bring herself to say it, to admit out loud that she felt anything more than just a friendship with the man. She knew that Harry would make the leap though, he wasn't stupid. And over the years they had talked on the phone, she had found herself being unable to stop mentioning Jack. She hadn't realised she'd been doing it until Harry pointed it out; she could almost hear his smile as he had said it. She had wanted to pinch herself for allowing her heart to get carried away with itself.
Harry had told her to get over herself and that if she loved Jack then she should make a go of things, "Allow yourself to be happy Nikki. Be selfish and put yourself first," he had said. She had taken it on board, a spring in her step as she made her way back to the UK.
But then he wouldn't answer. She'd ring and ring and ring but he would never pick up the phone. Months had passed and the nightmares got worse. When she had been in America she thought Mexico would just be another thing she would get through with no problems. Something she would look back on in a couple of years and chuckle about. But the moment she set foot back onto English soil, it hit her. This wasn't something she was going to get over in a hurry.
Jack ignoring her messages and phone calls didn't help the situation. She knew he was angry with her. She knew that she shouldn't have left or at the very least she should've given him a decent explanation as to why she had. But she thought that of all the people that would understand it would be him.
Those few months had been the worst, she had been suffering and she hadn't been able to reach out to the one person who would feel her pain. Who would know what she was going through. They had drifted apart, they were further away from each other than they had ever been before. And knowing now that she loved him with every fibre of her being, that made it even harder. She wasn't able to show him all the love she had for him.
Then they eventually made up and Nikki thought they could start again. Build their relationship up back to where it had been before. It would take time and it would take a lot of effort to get there but she was willing to do that. They would never be the same, too many things had happened but she knew it would make them stronger in the long run.
But then Matt happened, this mysterious man entered her life like a whirlwind and whisked her off her feet. What had been even more unexpected was Jack's approval. He encouraged her to go for this relationship, to make a go of something. Perhaps he thought it would be for the best. She couldn't help but to agree with him. She ran because she was scared of breaking his heart but she couldn't break his heart if she was in a relationship with someone else. And he wanted this for her, he wanted to let her go.
So that's what she did. She dived head first into her relationship with Matt. A whirlwind romance. She fell in love fast, she always did. But this time he stayed, he didn't leave her like all the other ones had. She even thought she had been pregnant at one point. Her first serious relationship yet she couldn't stop thinking about Jack.
She tried so hard to quash down all the thoughts of him. All the things he had made her feel. But she sat opposite from him everyday. She had his piercing green eyes staring into her soul on a daily basis. And he had seen her at her most vulnerable, in more ways than one. He had been easy to forget at the beginning of her relationship with Matt but slowly but surely he wormed his way in again.
She knew it was wrong but there were times where she'd lie in bed, with Matt's arms around her, and she'd close her eyes and pretend it was Jack. But then he would speak and the illusion would disappear. It only got worse towards the end. When Matt drifted away and Nikki found herself spending more and more time at work, with Jack. They were growing closer again, closer than they had ever been. And those feelings were lurking.
She recalled a conversation she had with him after her and Matt split up, "Cheating doesn't always have to be physical does it?" She had tried to tell him then, in her own funny little way. But just like always their moment had been interrupted and they never spoke of it again.
Then she thought about that kiss - albeit brief - they shared a couple of weeks ago. They were cracking, both of them. They weren't going to last much longer, the feelings were seeping through. The touches lasted longer, the stares were getting deeper. And now the past was being dug up. Neither of them were going to be able to run and hide from this much longer. They were going to have to start to facing facts. Their moment of truth.
When that was to be Nikki wasn't quite sure but the way things had been going for the past couple of months it wasn't going to be long. She gulped down the rest of the wine and clicked the lock button on her phone. Wherever he was, he'll find his way back to her, he always did.
He caught sight of himself in his car window. It was the worst he had looked in a very long time. His head was pounding and he knew he was going to have two very black eyes the next morning. At least the blood had dried over the multiple cuts on his face. He still won though. The other guy had given as good as he got but he wasn't a match for Jack. And despite the circumstances Jack couldn't help but feel proud of himself, a small victory.
He shouldn't have driven him home, he could barely see. But there was no one else around and he wasn't going to phone Nikki, not when he had only just managed to drown the thoughts out. But he had found his way home without a hitch thankfully.
Jack stumbled up the stairs, the sleep taking over him now as he fumbled with the key in the door. He had never felt so exhausted. His bag dropped to the floor as the door shut behind him. He wandered over to his sofa, his body flopping down onto the cushions. His hand rested on his forehead; the room spinning. He closed his eyes and he slowly slipped away.
"Jack!" He could hear her calling his name, her voice strained and desperate. It had happened again, his fingers gripped the phone to his ear. "Jack please help me."
He didn't know what to do, he never thought this would happen again. He never thought he'd had to listen to her cries on the other end of the line while he frantically searched for the evidence that would lead him to her. The last he had seen her they had argued, he couldn't remember what about. They had just argued. She was angry at him and she walked out.
The man's face flashed across his mind, El Buitre, the tattoos on his face sending a shiver down Jack's spine. He had taken her again. Stolen her away from him. He was being punished. He had let it get out of control again, he allowed himself to fall in love with her. He allowed her to wiggle her way into his life. He had told her he loved her, he knew he shouldn't have done it. He should've had more self control. But he was dying and he needed her to know before he went. He couldn't die without her knowing how he felt. He just hadn't quite anticipated that he would make it through. And now he wished he hadn't because maybe then she would be safe. She was better off without him. She was safer when he wasn't around.
Whatever he had said to her to make her run, he so desperately wished he could take it all back now. He needed to find her. Loving her was hurting her but he didn't know if he could go through all of this again. It had broken him last time, he had lost it. He had reached depths he never thought he was capable of. He had learnt things about himself, things he never wanted to know about. He had got a man killed to get her back.
But now that man was back, to get his revenge. To haunt him for what happened, for what Jack let happen. "Love is weakness," Gustavo's voice rang around his head. Jack took El Buitre's life so El Buitre was taking something that meant more to Jack. He could've just killed him but he wanted Jack to suffer. He had wanted Jack to know how it felt. But Jack had already known, he had already been through this before. He had felt that pain. He had been damned to not let it happen again but here he was.
"Nikki I'm going to find you I promise," he reassured her, trying to keep his voice calm.
"What? Like last time?" she had spat back, her voice angry.
"Nikki please, I mean it. I'm not going to let you slip away again," he pleaded. But he turned, feeling someone tapping him on the shoulder. His heart dropped as his eyes landed on the older man. "Thomas?"
"Give me the phone Jack," Thomas held his hand out. "I sent you out there to get her last time and you failed so how can I trust you to get her back this time?"
Jack shook his head, the tears slipping down his cheeks, "No Thomas I can do this," his eyes were stinging now. He couldn't believe that this was happening. "Nikki, describe to me where you are."
"I don't know Jack," she sobbed. "I'm scared. Why is this happening again? Jack I can't lose you, I can't go months without speaking to you again. Please don't let it be like last time."
"Nikki, darling, you listen to me," he started, trying to remain calm. "I'm not going to let it be like last time. I'm coming to get you, I'm going to save you. I love you Nikki and I'm not letting you go. Is there anything you can remember? Tell me what happened."
"I don't know he grabbed me from behind, he covered my mouth," she explained. "Jack it was him. From Mexico. How has he got here Jack? I thought he was dead. I thought you killed him."
Jack nodded, almost forgetting he was on the phone whilst he watched the CCTV footage of El Buitre taking Nikki. It had been just outside the Lyell but they hadn't been able to track anything after that. Jack looked around the room, trying to find Clarissa but she wasn't there. And Thomas had disappeared as well. It was just the two of them again. The only contact being over the phone.
"I'm so sorry Nikki."
"Just get me out of here Jack," she screamed. Jack could hear a scuffle on the other end of the line. He could hear her struggling. He was shouting her name but she wasn't replying. He kept shouting and shouting. Then he heard a gunshot. Jack's stomach fell to the floor and he felt his body drop to his chair.
"Nikki?" Fell from his mouth. It was silent. Then the phone was being picked up, a heavy accent talking back at him.
"She's dead."
Jack shot up, his heart racing and the sweat pouring down his face. He reached out in front of him, trying to find something solid to hold onto as the panic ripped through his body; his chest rising and falling rapidly. He couldn't think straight, his eyes full to the brim with tears. He called her name again. He wasn't sure why, it wasn't as if she was here to answer him. His head was still pounding.
He reached for his phone in his pocket, his finger hovering over her name. He needed to call her, he needed to hear her voice. He needed to know if she was safe. That was the worst dream he had had in a long time. They had been getting worse as of late but as the weeks past they had been getting more and more vivid. He'd be lucky if he could get through the whole night without having to wake up and make himself a hot chocolate.
But this wasn't a dream he could recover from with a hot drink. He needed something more than that, he needed to see Nikki. He needed to hold her in his arms, to see if she was still alive and hadn't been taken from him again. He checked the time on his phone, 2:13am. He knew he shouldn't, she was probably fast asleep but he had to be sure. He had to know. He had to hold her face in his hands.
He didn't give it a second thought as he headed out of his apartment. The rain was heavy outside, the droplets bouncing off the floor. He patted his pockets, shit. He had left his car keys in the house. He shook his head, it didn't matter now. He stepped out onto the pavement, his hair was dripping already. He hadn't thought about a coat either. The rain soaking through his shirt and attacking his skin.
But he walked, almost ran, the route towards Nikki's house. He had known the directions like the back of his hand. He didn't have to think about it thankfully, his thoughts were consumed by her at the moment. The dream had felt so real. His heart ached at the thought that he had lost her all over again. He wouldn't cope without her in his life. Not now that he had grown so used to having her around.
As he made his way there, his mind raced over all the moments they had shared over the years. He had fallen in love with her the moment he had set eyes on her. When she walked into that hotel room, in her white suit, he had blown her away. When she spouted off about her theory in the middle of the sewers, he had wanted to kiss her there and then. That moment feeling oddly romantic despite the circumstances.
Then as every day had passed he fell in love with her even more. The way she could work a crowd to her favour, the way she would chew her pen when she was concentrating. The way she would just throw herself into every case she would work on and she wouldn't give up until she had got her answer.
The downside to that was the fact she was constantly getting herself in trouble and into tricky situations that he would have to help her out of. He didn't mind so much, if it meant that he could protect her then he would do anything. And at least now she let him help her, she didn't keep him at arms length and demand that she do it all by herself. She actually reached out to him, she wanted him to be by her side.
He had seen this change in her, he didn't know what it meant. He hoped that it was because of him but he couldn't be sure. Not totally. Even if they shared a kiss the other week. It may have only lasted a second but she made the first move. She wanted to kiss him, but she never brought it up again. Just like how they never brought up what happened in Mexico. And just like how they never spoke about what was said in the hospital. When he had finally said those three words.
He was halfway there, he thought. His body was shivering but he couldn't tell if it was from the rain or the adrenaline surging through him. He knew this was a stupid idea but it was too late now, he either turned around and went home or he carried on. But the feeling of needing to see Nikki was too strong so he continued. Walking up and down various streets. There was no one around which wasn't surprising given the time. There was the odd car zooming past him but that was about it.
Thoughts about Afghanistan had managed to enter his head. He had held her while she sobbed for the only decent father figure in her life. They hadn't known each other that well at that point; still at the stage where they were unsure of each other and still learning new things. But Leo's death had brought them closer so suddenly. They had been thrown together, the shared experience binding them to one another. He hadn't left her side in the few weeks after. He had felt this responsibility to look after her, for Leo.
And he ended up having to be the one to phone Harry and tell him, she had been trying for weeks but she couldn't formulate the words. He sounded just as he had expected, posh, smarmy. But he had asked him to keep an eye out for Nikki, to make sure she didn't do anything stupid. Harry couldn't come to the funeral, too busy with work commitments. Jack hadn't thought much of that, surely under the circumstances he could've made an exception. And of course, he had to tell Nikki. He was angry at Harry for burdening him with that responsibility but Nikki seemed to not let it bother her, almost as if she had expected it.
Then he thought about Thomas. Sweet, caring, loving Thomas. The man that didn't have a single bad bone in his body. Who, yes, could wind Jack up something rotten. But he was always right in the end, he just had a different way of going about things. Jack would give anything to bring him back, to change the past. Thomas didn't deserve to die. He deserved to watch his daughter grow and go off to university and build a life of her own. He hated himself for being the reason that Rosie now mourned for her father everyday. He hated himself for ruining everyone's lives in one way or another. Even Clarissa had left him in the end.
He never let his thoughts get this far, he had always been quick to shut them down. But he hadn't been able to this time. They were occupying his mind rapidly and he couldn't stop them.
It wasn't long before he had reached her street. It felt different on foot compared to being in the car and for a moment he worried that he wouldn't be able to remember the right house. He let out a breath as he spotted her car on her drive. There were no lights on in her house. He stopped on the street, staring at her house. He was debating it even more now, he pulled his phone out of his pocket to check the time again. 2:46am. He closed his eyes, she was going to kill him for doing this but he needed to see her.
He stepped onto the drive and made his way towards her front door. He closed his eyes, his hand hovering for a moment before his knuckles were wrapping against the wood. He waited for a few minutes and listened out carefully. When he couldn't hear any movement from inside he knocked again.
Nikki shot up out of bed as she heard the banging on the door downstairs. Her heart raced as she wondered who on earth was knocking on her door at this time in the morning and more to the point, what could they possibly want? She glanced at the clock that sat on her desk, 2:52am. She ran her hands through her hair as she let out a sigh.
She knew it could only be one person annoying enough that would want to come to her house at this time in the morning. She shook her head, she would've let out a smile if she hadn't just been woken up. "Alright!" She called out as she heard the knocking sounding off again.
Pulling the blankets from around her body, she picked up her dressing gown from the end of her bed and made her way downstairs. She could see his frame in the door and she was beginning to worry about the fact that he was here. He never came here unless it was important. And if he was here at three in the morning then it was for a reason.
She flicked the light on in the hallway and headed towards her front door. Turning the lock she pulled it open, her breath hitching as she caught sight of him. His brown hair stuck to his face, the rain droplets dripping off the ends of his ears and nose. He looked soaked to the skin and the look on his face panicked her. He was pale and his eyes were sunken, something wasn't right.
"Jack?" Fell from her mouth as she moved back to let him in, unable to bear staring at him in the torrential rain for much longer. "What the hell are you doing here? It's three o'clock in the morning."
Jack couldn't take his eyes off her, even at an ungodly hour she was the most beautiful woman he had ever had the pleasure to know. He wanted to pull her into his arms, hold her tightly to be absolutely sure that he wasn't dreaming this moment as well. But he was now suddenly aware that he was dripping from head to toe. There were goosebumps all over his body and he was shaking.
"Jack you are soaking," Nikki stepped forward, her hand on his arm as she guided him to her living room. All the air had escaped his lungs as he felt her hand on him, now he wasn't sure of what he was shaking from. "Take your shirt off, I'm going to get you some towels. I think one of Matt's old dressing gowns is still here…" she trailed off, leaving him stood in the middle of the room; water droplets wetting the carpet.
His eyes glanced around the room, he hadn't really been in her house before. At least, not for longer than five minutes at a time. He spotted all the little trinkets laid out on her mantelpiece, all of them very Nikki in their own strange way. He chuckled to himself as his eyes landed on the bug in a glass frame placed front and centre. Then he heard the creak from upstairs and he quickly remembered that he needed to rid himself of his clothes before he ended up catching a cold.
He peeled his shirt off before his fingers made work with the buttons on his jeans. It didn't sink in that he was stood in Nikki's house with nothing but his underwear on until she was stepping into the room again, a bundle of towels and what looked like a dark blue dressing gown in her arms.
Nikki's lips parted as she took him in, it wasn't the fact that he was stood half naked - although that did take her by surprise - it was his broken face. He looked distraught, like he had the weight of the world on his shoulders. Typical Jack. The way his body was shaking had caught her attention and she was edging forward, throwing the towel around him. Her hands ran up down his arms as she attempted to warm him up. She gulped as her eyes connected with his; she noticed the tears welling up and she pulled him into her. Her arms wrapping around his neck as his arms came around her waist; his face tucked into her neck as he let go.
He sobbed, all the emotions escaping him. He let himself cry, everything that had been building up for the past couple of months taking over him. He felt her arms tightening around him and for the first time in a long time, he felt safe. Secure. He felt as though he was home.
Next time: It's time to face up to their feelings, it's time to be honest with one another. Or will the revelations push them further apart?
