I exist for love
;;
i
;;
Mayaka
;;
"You and Oreki-san are close, aren't you?" Came Satoshi's question as he spares a glance at Mayaka.
It's the first year of middle school and he's gotten to know Mayaka Ibara well enough to notice a pattern in her behaviour and her circle of friends.
Among the many students who have transferred from the same elementary school to Kaburaya Middle School, Satoshi has noticed that Mayaka understands Houtarou Oreki the best. Mayaka may fuss and harrumph that she and Houtarou do not have even a silver of a chance of getting along — but there's no denying it. The two brunettes are as close as two people can be.
"You don't mean it." Mayaka says. She leans away as if repulsed by Satoshi's words and her arms create a barricade around her, blocking any nonsense.
"I do though," Satoshi presses on when he notices Mayaka's mouth forming a straight line. She's clearly displeased by the topic.
"What makes you think Oreki and I are close?" Mayaka asks.
"Well," Satoshi's skinny hand briefly rests on the borrowed notes he's gotten from Houtarou.
Satoshi's still new to his whole friendship with the quiet boy. They're not even on a first name basis yet! (Houtarou is polite enough, if not indifferent to Satoshi's constant tidbits and alternating focuses.) But, Satoshi knows there's something special; he can feel it deep in his gut!
"This," Satoshi flips over to a page he just referred Mayaka to seconds ago.
"What about it?" She asks again.
"You could read Oreki-san's handwriting,"
Mayaka raises a brow. "How does that prove anything?"
"Oreki-san's handwriting is —" Satoshi starts, his grin growing. "— pretty bad. I'd say it's a miracle that anyone can read it. So, the fact that you can —"
"That doesn't mean anything," Mayaka frowns. It's hard to take her anger seriously when she has a bad case of baby face. "That's not proof." She continues before saying, "I won't sit here and be slandered,"
Then she picks up the notebook, causing a bit of a ruckus as she pushes her chair back, and stomps over to Houtarou's desk.
"O-re-ki."
Houtarou cracks open one green eye to the sight of Mayaka's short frame towering over his hunch napping posture. "Yes, I-ba-ra?"
Mayaka frowns at his copied tone. "Fix your handwriting."
Houtarou doesn't even put up a fight or attempt to decipher Mayaka's sudden boldness. He simply accepts that she is correct.
"Yeah. Okay,"
Mayaka only harrumphs in response, acting annoyed at Houtarou's carelessness (when Satoshi knows she's secretly pleased). She places Houtarou's flimsy book on the top of his head. It balances perfectly.
Satoshi holds back a snicker, only speaking up when Mayaka returns and takes her familiar spot in the seat beside him.
"That's your proof then," Satoshi says.
Mayaka frowns once more, her expression morphed into a question.
"Oreki-san listens to you," Satoshi says, and Mayaka does not deny it.
;;
Satoshi thinks Houtarou and Mayaka fit well creatively.
Mayaka is in the Manga Club, and has been er-ing and um-ing about volunteering for the Library Committee for some time now. Just from these two points, Satoshi can gather that Mayaka enjoys reading and immersing herself in new and exciting worlds. She's much more colourful than him.
Actually, Satoshi would go as far as to say that Mayaka is more colourful than Houtarou too. But since knowing the tall boy, Satoshi has found that Houtarou is actually imaginative. And, he puts these thoughts on paper.
Houtarou writes poetry in secret, and Satoshi would not be surprised to hear Houtarou winning writing contests if the opportunity comes.
There have been whispers among the kids in their year, Satoshi is well aware that his classmates have caught on to Houtarou and Mayaka's compatibility as well. He doesn't know what to call what Houtarou and Mayaka have, but Satoshi thinks Mayaka brings out the best in Houtarou.
It's too bad that the only two people who are unaware of the potential are the said 'couple'.
Personally, Satoshi thinks Houtarou can be hopeless when it comes to this stuff. That's the drawback of Houtarou's nature; with his head often in the clouds, he doesn't even notice the little things about Mayaka.
"You don't know?"
"I don't notice," Houtarou says, his answer to Satoshi's question.
"You honestly don't know when Mayaka's birthday is? Didn't your elementary school have a board displaying your classmates' birthdays? Mine did."
"We had them," Houtarou nods. "But I never read it."
Satoshi frowns. "You should pay more attention to Mayaka, Houtarou. She's an amazing person."
Houtarou makes a face in response. "If you like her so much, why don't you date her?"
Satoshi lets out a laugh. "I never knew you were one to joke around, Houtarou."
;;
Satoshi figured it was fate. There was no other reason, the numbers added up. It's amazing what assumptions can be made with six years of consistency and close proximity.
Satoshi coins and bestows the term 'Kaburaya's Best Couple' on his friends. It makes its rounds, but the title doesn't stick. Mostly thanks to Houtarou's avoidance and his definite uselessness when it comes to these things.
Mayaka, on the other hand, isn't the type to hold back.
Satoshi believes the only problem here is: she's being a tad bit too harsh. Given that Mayaka has told Satoshi she enjoys manga, he figures she's in her otaku phase, pretending to play a role. Perhaps she's trying to act all tsundere with Houtarou? She already has the attitude and the stubbornness to commit. All she needs are the twin ponytails.
;;
ii
;;
Satoshi
;;
But then somewhere at the start of second year, Houtarou tells Satoshi that Mayaka, in fact, has a crush on Satoshi himself and not her childhood friend.
And like the coward that he is — afraid of obsessing over anything, obsessed with not being obsessed — Satoshi runs away and puts his energy into Houtarou.
Houtarou doesn't think anything of it. Satoshi doesn't either. But his classmates tell him that he clings and latches onto Houtarou too much. They go as far as to tease the duo. It causes people in their year to openly say that it's odd to see one without the other.
There's even an inside joke of how the two boys are now 'Kaburaya's Best Couple'. How ironically funny.
(Not that that stopped Mayaka from confessing to him.)
It's such a short notice occurrence that Satoshi doesn't even dwell on it. Truly, he did not expect to be coupled up with Houtarou Oreki, ever. But Satoshi believes it's an interesting concept.
;;
iii
;;
Asami
;;
Their third year at Kaburaya has Satoshi assigned to a separate class from Houtarou and Mayaka. He is disappointed that whatever divine power has decided to intervene in his life. How will he keep up-to-date with the gossip now?
Ah, well, he wants to pride himself in being a database, he knows information will reach his ears sooner or later. He just wishes it wasn't later!
So, when Houtarou personally tells Satoshi about Asami, Satoshi gets pulled in. He starts to wonder how he missed such a thing. How did he not know this side of his friend? How could Houtarou have kept such a thing from him? How could he have kept Asami Toba a secret?
"You're on a first name basis with a girl?" Satoshi remembers asking as wild speculations buzz in his brain.
Satoshi even toys with the idea of Houtarou and Asami being together before concluding that the two would arguably be the gloomiest couple he'd ever laid his eyes on.
Satoshi is curious though. He wants to know how Houtarou even met Asami, the guy doesn't bother to join any club activities. Where could the two have met enough times to form a friendship?
(If anyone asks, Satoshi still prefers Houtarou with Mayaka. They have history, close to eight years of it!
Mayaka actually ignites a small spark in Houtarou whenever she says the right words to get under his skin or calls him a creative insult that suits him. Houtarou will grumble about being called a 'Slug' but he never once tells Mayaka to call him another nickname.)
Satoshi wants to say that Houtarou will be as unmotivated as ever.
That is, until Houtarou requests for something big.
"I need a favour,"
"A favour?" Satoshi echoes.
Houtarou isn't the type to ask for boons so Satoshi's mind goes into overdrive as he listens and nods along to Houtaoru's clunky woodshop story.
"So, what do you want to do?"
"It depends on Asami."
"Are you really willing to risk getting on the whole year's bad side? For some girl?" Satoshi asks.
Houtarou does not even hesitate. "Yes, I am."
And Satoshi is stunned into silence.
"Will you help me?" Houtarou asks. "I don't want to force you. I'll take the blame, but — if anyone finds out, your name will be smeared too."
Satoshi stares at his friend. Houtarou's face, which is usually bored and expressionless, looks gentle in this light. Satoshi can't help but feel moved. He isn't sure if he can truly say he knows what this means to Houtarou but he recognises that it's important.
So he waves the concern aside and says, "I'll help, Houtarou."
;;
The first time Satoshi talks to Asami, it's when Houtarou isn't by his side.
Asami's being crowded in by two girls and Satoshi recognises the situation; he hates witnessing Asami getting bullied by Ami's henchmen. He's no stranger to Ami and her mannerisms. Though the words that come out of Ami's friends' mouths are not as vicious as Ami's own quips, they still sting.
The voice at the back of his head — his conscience, if Satoshi must refer to it — sounds like Houtarou.
Satoshi intervenes, stepping forward and surprising the trio. "Toba-san?"
Asami blinks back and Ami's henchmen glare at him.
"Go away, can't you see we're busy?" One of the girls tells Satoshi harshly.
"You're not busy, you're bullying Toba-san." Satoshi replies with a bluntness similar to Mayaka's.
The other girl frowns. "It's none of your business what we do."
He states that it is his business as a member of the student council.
"I have to keep the peace!" He says. He's known he's a sucker for fairness for a while now.
The girls huff at this but they're not as mighty without their leader. The air is still thick when Satoshi is left alone with Asami but he knows he did well from Asami's smile. Her small thankful happiness is enough.
"Thank you." She says shyly, though it's different from the usual shyness Satoshi has grown used to when around Mayaka.
Asami is more timid than anything. Satoshi feels bad for thinking this way.
;;
Satoshi thought Houtarou was in love with Asami, he really did — Houtarou risked a lot for this girl. Alienation, a bad reputation, the guilt of doing something irreversible.
And when Houtarou didn't speak further on the Asami incident, Satoshi had to force himself to leave the issue alone. Exams were around the corner, it was natural to stop talking about other people and club activities and part-time jobs in favour of topics like equations and chapters and tricky poems that'll all be on the tests.
But then graduation came and Asami made no approach on Houtarou and vice-versa, Satoshi felt off. What? No flowers? No confession? No button exchange? It's disappointing.
Houtarou even leaves the school grounds early, making Satoshi feel as saddened as an unlucky fool missing the last bus.
So when Satoshi bumps into Asami while making rounds to wish his friends good-bye, he feels overjoyed. He doesn't let the opportunity pass him and asks her, "Which high school have you enrolled in, Toba-san?"
Her dark eyes flit away. "Kamiyama."
Satoshi throws her a smile. "Me too!"
Asami does not reply.
"Houtarou enrolled in the same school as well. Maybe you two will be in the same class?" Satoshi says, expecting Asami to lift her head and give him her usual shy grin.
She does not.
Instead, she bows her head more. "I hope not."
"What?" The question escapes from Satoshi's lips before he can consider it. "Why not?"
"I can't face him. I can't face Oreki-san. Not after what he did for me." Asami explains.
"Ah," Satoshi says as it clicks in his head. "You still feel bad about the mirror incident."
Asami nods, then raises her chin. "Please, Fukube-san, don't tell Oreki-san about my enrollment. I'd prefer it if he remains oblivious about this."
It takes a second for Satoshi to find his words. He tries to be encouraging. "Well … the school is rather big, maybe you two will never meet?"
"Maybe." Asami replies.
Her answer doesn't satisfy Satoshi and his smile starts slipping. Did Houtarou sacrifice so much just for his efforts to fade and melt like the snow when Spring comes?
;;
iv
::
Chitanda
;;
And Spring did come. Along with a girl with big eyes and a title to her name.
Satoshi couldn't believe it when he saw Houtarou standing in a sunset stain room, alone with a girl who looked pretty even from far away.
It seems Cupid isn't done. They say, 'third time's the charm' but Houtarou seems to have an infinite amount of chances.
;;
Satoshi Fukube is not one to come up with conclusions, but … he strongly believes Houtarou is in love.
Or maybe bewitched is a proper term. Houtarou hasn't looked the same since Eru Chitanda had tossed him her gentle smile and swept him up with that perfect lady-like bow. She's out of his league!
Well, Satoshi thinks so anyway. And maybe Mayaka too.
Mayaka says that Chitanda is a hard worker while Houtarou is basically 'a sloth in disguise'. She's not wrong (and such snark is to be expected coming from Mayaka, considering her dislike for Houtarou's entire existence).
It is true, Houtarou and Chitanda are complete opposites. Their beliefs are on the other side of each other's spectrums.
Houtarou's an average guy who has a knack for uttering his motto: "If I don't have to do it, I won't. If I have to do it, then make it quick," and then napping.
Meanwhile, Chitanda being the heiress to the expanding Chitanda farmlands — an acquired effort that took centuries to attain — takes her grandmother's words to heart: "One must not say that one is tired, as that means passing on one's responsibilities to someone else. If one is feeling tired, then one should say they need to rest, and then continue whatever it is they were doing once they've rested enough."
So, unless Houtarou turns a full 180, Satoshi is sure that their 'romance' will be short-lived.
(But, it's not like it's something Houtarou can't do.)
;;
Houtarou does change.
Slowly. Very, very slowly; moving like the sloth that Mayaka says he is.
It takes approximately a month for Houtarou to drop the 'san' honorific when addressing Chitanda (a small feat compared to what Satoshi has witnessed) before the big leap happens. Satoshi is astonished to find out that both Houtarou and Chitanda have decided to revive the Classics Club together.
Even more so when Houtarou had decided to solve the locked door mystery for Chitanda, and then concoct the Silk Spider Society, something which took more energy than needed. Satoshi even commented on it to Houtarou, saying avoiding Chitanda's hunger for answers won't do him any favours.
And then, like a Domino effect, Chitanda requests something bigger, pouring her heart out and pleading for help to solve her missing uncle's mystery. It's a big thing to ask. It requires a tremendous amount of effort.
Satoshi says he'd help. Mayaka too. However, Satoshi didn't think he'd see Houtarou slipping like this. He figured Houtarou would not stray, but it seems like the Houtarou he knows is changing.
And it's all thanks to Eru Chitanda.
;;
The first time Satoshi witnesses Houtarou voluntarily solve a mystery, he can no longer say that he is surprised. His line of view is clouded by his raincoat; and all he can see is Houtarou's back, and the row and rows of paddy fields. Their bellies are full of Chitanda's onigiris, full of tea and snacks and a new appreciation for Jun Sekitani.
Satoshi knows the answer to why Houtarou has changed his demeanour though. He says it without a hint of amusement. This is not a joke.
"It's because of Chitanda-san, isn't it?" Satoshi asks.
If Satoshi could see his friend's face, he would say that Houtarou is currently frowning. But the boy is walking ahead, the umbrella Chitanda lent him held high above his head.
A beat passes as a truck comes into view, and Satoshi does not expect an answer as he picks up his bike.
But Houtarou replies anyway, "It's Chitanda's fault."
Satoshi does not let Houtarou run away. That's his trick, not Houtarou's. "But it's different today, no? You could have escaped, but you didn't. So why? Why did you stay?"
Houtarou takes his time like most things; he closes his umbrella, tucks it into his basket before mounting on his bike. "I suppose, I'm tired of being grey."
Satoshi does not react to Houtarou's explanation. He does not move, does not speak, doesn't even wipe the smile off his face — until Houtarou asks Satoshi to say something.
And he does.
"Do you want a rose-coloured life?"
"Maybe,"
;;
The second time Houtarou willingly solves a mystery, it is just after the Kanya Fest. The day is average and they've somehow wounded up on the subject of a teacher from Kaburaya Middle School.
"You remember Ogi-sensei, don't you? He liked helicopters." Houtarou says, earning a raised eyebrow from Mayaka. She cannot deny or confirm what's come out of Houtarou's mouth.
It should have been nothing but a throwaway conversation on an average day, but Houtarou stands as if a revelation has hit him on the head.
"I'm going to the library," Houtarou says, his bookbag already tucked under his arm. "Do you want to come?"
Of course, everyone reacts differently. Both Satoshi and Mayaka are concerned. And Chitanda — well, she's curious!
;;
"Braids," Houtarou comments one-wordedly.
"Oh," Chitanda smiles. "Kaho-san did it for me. Braids are more of Kaho-san's style, I'm not so sure if it looks good on me. Do you like it, Oreki-san?"
It felt like such an innocent question when it left Chitanda's mouth but, now, looking at the way Houtarou's shoulders tense slightly, it was as if a weight had landed on him.
Satoshi almost feels bad for Houtarou, wanting to swat away Chitanda's words and take the pressure off. What does Houtarou know about the opposite sex? Much less complimenting girls?
But then Satoshi catches Houtarou taking a moment to look at Chitanda. Really look at her. Taking in the sight of the way her long braid fell over one side of her shoulder and the way it frames her face before letting his gaze flit away.
Pink dusts itself on Houtarou's cheeks as he says, "It suits you."
Satoshi shares a glance with Mayaka from across the table. He can't tell if she looks amazed or shocked.
Nobody comments on it though.
Houtarou won't let anyone disturb his peace. He picks up his pocket-size novel and doesn't look up until the day is almost over.
Satoshi wonders if Chitanda will stick to Houtarou's side. He hopes so.
;;
end
;;
Notes 1: The first draft made it sound like Satoshi was hella sad that his best friend Houtarou was (unfortunately?) not into him (or anyone until Chitanda came along) and that kinda made me sad.
Still — nothing will stop me from multi-shipping :)
Like, oh God, I really ship OrekiAsami more than I should. Given the context of Oreki creating his motto after realising people pushed him to go forth and take the fall for the others in elementary school, he chose to relive his trauma in third year middle school for Asami. To quote Mayaka from 'mirrors that can't reflect', "What I don't understand is — why was Oreki the only one who did the carving? That was the job of the whole group, right? But what I remember is that Oreki was the only one who came to hand in the piece. And he took all the blame for it." I'm a weak bitch.
The manga better draw Asami well. It could take years, but I'll wait!
Notes 2: It was either I worked on this one-shot or that multichapter fic where I set-up this complex love pentagon (it's been sitting in my drafts since 2020 and it has best girl Juumonji as one the mains) or I finish colour me curious which I actually had finished last year, but I decided to edit i since my writing style has changed and I got lazy so it's just ... there.
I still have an excel sheet with drafts I need to finish. But 2021 will be a slower year for updating; I had a bit of a burnout near the end of 2020. Last year, I committed myself to all these events and the deadlines got to me, man. I shouldn't have done that. I shouldn't have bitten off more than I could chew because it made me feel like I was confined to fandoms as opposed to writing whenever I wanted to.
This year, I want to have a "meh, I'll post when I feel like it ¯\_(ツ)_/¯" attitude. Currently, I'm really obsessed with this original story I've constructed (it's also multichapter and I have no outline so idk how long it'll be, chapter one is on my AO3 thou) so my focus is on that. I'm just really in love with my OCs and it's been a while since I've felt this level of excitement. I really enjoy daydreaming, researching and writing about their trauma and the angst. I love the angst so much. George and Sumire would definitely take me to court for ruining their lives, but I just wanna write for me.
So this is a present for the fandom so I don't feel as guilty when I boop out for a bit. I'll come back, but like, idk when. I'm more active on AO3 if y'all wanna check up on me and know if I'm still writing and alive, but yeah.
— 3 February 2021
