Alone in a crowd

It wasn't supposed to be like this. It was supposed to be a chance to catch up with old friends and have fun and relaxation together. She wasn't supposed to end up sitting in her room, in the dark, holding back the tears.

It had all started so well. The swim had been invigorating. The massage session afterwards had been wonderful, so relaxing. In retrospect too relaxing. What with that and the wine they'd shared in Jackie's room after the evening meal her guard had dropped far more than she'd realised.

She thought back to the phone call that had started it all. She'd been delighted to hear Joanne's voice when the call had come through and surprised but pleased when her friend had said that this time they really were going to make concrete plans for the get together they'd been talking about for years.

"Jan and Jackie's husbands have been persuaded to mind their kids and I've just got a promotion and can more or less pick my own time off. We all fancy a spa weekend. Well a long weekend really or a midweek break if you prefer. Four or five days of pure indulgence. Just let us know when you can make it and I'll book it. It'll be great Jay, the four of us back together, just like old times," Joanne had said.

Sharron had smiled when she'd heard Joanne use her old nickname. Suddenly she'd felt 13 again and as carefree as she had been back then. Joanne had called Sharron 'Jay' ever since she'd confided that she felt like the odd one out with the other three sharing an initial.

"But you're almost a 'J' already," Joanne had said and she'd picked up Sharron's rough book, drawn a large 'S' then added a second loop at the top mirroring the other side. It looked a little odd but it was definitely a 'J'. Sharron had burst out laughing. She'd laughed even harder later when Joanne had held a mock ceremony in her back garden making Sharron kneel before her while she tapped her on each shoulder and announced,

"I now pronounce you an honorary 'J'."

Despite the laughter it had meant a lot to Sharron to feel included. Jan and Jackie had called her Jay for a while too but soon reverted to calling her Sharron however with Joanne the nickname had stuck.

Sharron hadn't really expected the holiday to come to fruition, but it had, and here they were, all four of them together, for the first time since they all parted company when they'd left school.

It was fun spending time with each other again. They had kept in touch via letter but this was different, almost like being back at school. The years seemed to have fallen away and they were four girls having fun and enjoying each other's company. There was one awkward moment for Sharron when they were larking around in the pool and Jan suggested a race. Sharron completed three quarters of a length before she remembered she wasn't competing against Craig or Richard. She slowed right down immediately.

"Hey, how did you do that?" Joanne asked.

"I underestimated the distance and set off far too fast," said Sharron trying to sound breathless, "shame I couldn't keep it up."

"Too true Jay, you'd be in the Olympics if you could."

They all had a lovely meal together in the on-site restaurant then went to Jackie's room. Jan produced a couple of bottles of wine and they all piled onto the bed, just as they used to as teens, all chatting happily about old times. Sharron felt so happy and relaxed. Her last mission had been particularly gruelling and she needed this break more than she'd realised. She rested her head back against the wall and listened to the others talking, occasionally joining in but mainly just enjoying the opportunity to relax.

Then it happened! Jackie jumped off the bed and rummaged in her suitcase, she pulled out a box with the words 'Tell the Truth' emblazoned on it. Jackie's face was alight with mischief as she waved it aloft.

...

Sharron was pulled back to the present when she heard a sound in the corridor. She listened for a second or two then realised it was just another guest returning to their room. She choked back a tear. She shouldn't be feeling this way. This was supposed to be a chance to relax, time to catch up with her friends, to have some serious pampering and have fun. How did it lead to these intense feelings? She took a deep breath as she thought back to the conversation that followed the production of the cards, reliving the whole scene.

...

"Remember playing this?" Jackie asked.

"Oh wow!" exclaimed Jan, "you actually kept that game."

"I did."

"What a hoarder!" laughed Joanne.

Jackie emptied the packet and held up several cards with questions printed on them.

"Shall we play? For old times' sake? It'll be fun."

"Most of the questions will be irrelevant. I remember they were things like 'who is your favourite teacher?', 'what's the best excuse for forgetting your homework?' and 'which boy in your class do you fancy?'" objected Sharron.

"I'm sure we can find something relevant," Joanne said.

"I'm game if you three are," Jan said.

'All right," Sharron responded.

Joanne nodded her head. Jackie flipped the cards out of the box and into her hand.

"This is going to be just like old times. Was there anything we didn't share back then?" asked Jackie.

"Not much, we were so close," said Joanne and the other two nodded in agreement.

Jackie sorted through the pack, sighing theatrically as she discarded irrelevant questions.

"Ah, this one should be interesting. 'How could you make your life happier?'" she read aloud.

"I remember your answer the first time round Jackie. It involved Paul Newman," Jan laughed.

"Maybe it still does this time," Jackie retorted. "Seriously though we can do this one. Let's answer for real. Who wants to go first?"

"I'll start," Jan said. "I think I might be a bit tipsy because this is supposed to be a huge secret but I'm going to trust you all. Mike and I are going to adopt a little boy. When he arrives I will be the happiest I've ever been."

There was a moment's silence while the other three worked out if she was being serious. Her expression told them that she was and so they fired questions at her, wanting to know all the details. It transpired that, although they had three children of their own, Jan and her husband had been thinking for a long time about adopting a disadvantaged child. They'd been through the approval process and a little boy had been matched with them. He was due to move in within the next month.

"Well that will take some topping! My answer sounds pretty boring now but I'll answer anyway," Jackie said."What would make me happier would be to get on better with Peter's dad."

Jan opened her mouth to speak.

"No, I don't want to discuss it and I don't want advice. I just wanted to admit, out loud, that it bothers me sometimes," Jackie said quickly.

"Aside from that I'm pretty happy with my life. Peter is a great husband and the kids are great. Doing really well at school and they seem happy there."

She turned to Joanne,

"Your turn," she said.

"Since I got my promotion I've been very happy. I honestly don't think there's anything else I want. I've had plenty of relationships as you all know from my letters. I'm single right now and that's ok with me. I know it won't be too long before I'm snapped up again." Joanne laughed. "I love my life right now."

There was a pause. Then all three of the others looked at Sharron. Sharron stared back.

"You are such a poker face Jay. What would make you happier? How about those men you mentioned? Craig and Richard? Any romance there?"

"They're work colleagues...and good friends...very good friends...but they're like my brothers. Definitely no romance there. Sorry to disappoint."

"She just doesn't need anyone else. You only have to look at her to know she's completely contented," Jackie said.

"True enough, if you weren't such a good friend I'd be jealous, you are so together. You even love your job. Your life seems just perfect," said Jan.

"Lucky Jay. I need a man in my life; I can't imagine life without me being in a relationship. But you, Jay, you are so complete. It must be lovely to be that way," Joanne said.

Sharron forced a smile and said nothing but inwardly she was in turmoil. She envied the others their relationships with their men and she was a little jealous of the fact that it seemed so easy for them to confide in each other still. She missed being able to chat about everything and anything with them. The days when she could cheerfully share all her secrets with them were long gone and that realisation hurt. Despite being with her friends she suddenly felt very alone.

Joanne glanced at Sharron for a moment then turned to Jan and asked her a question about the little boy she was going to adopt and then the talk got more general. Jackie put the cards down and they were forgotten. The party had broken up after a couple of hours and they'd gone to their separate rooms.

...

Now Sharron sat on her bed hugging her knees. She felt as though the secret of what happened in Tibet was a huge burden. How could she tell her friends that she'd love to be in a relationship but that it wasn't possible for her? She wouldn't be able to make them understand without blurting out her secret as well and that was impossible. She couldn't let Craig and Richard down, or the people in Tibet…especially the people in Tibet. That was unthinkable. She'd had to let her friends believe that she was perfectly happy alone. It felt like she was lying to them. Yet she wasn't really. Most of the time she was perfectly happy alone. She loved having her own place and being able to please herself. She could stay in, relax and do nothing all day if she chose. Equally she could go where she wanted, when she wanted without having to consult anyone else. She liked her freedom. But sometimes it wasn't like that. Tonight with her old friends being so relaxed with each other, and all assuming her life was so perfect, she'd felt so alone, as though nobody truly knew her and never would.

She was close to Craig and Richard of course and, in one sense, she could never be completely alone. The mental link between them was always there, binding them together. But even they didn't know the longing she sometimes had for someone to be intimate with, to let her guard down with, to be close to...to... love.

It seemed easy enough for them. It was acceptable for men to have a string of casual relationships and neither of them seemed to want anything serious. She suspected that Richard was still holding a torch for Samantha but it wasn't stopping him dating other people. He and Craig didn't have to constantly be on guard to hide their special abilities. The girls they dated just seemed to accept them as they were.

Sharron knew that if she were in a relationship she wouldn't be able to relax for fear of the man wondering about the things she was able to do. Her special abilities would be impossible to keep secret even if she wanted to and then what? How could she keep it a secret how she'd acquired the abilities? How would he feel about it? Most men wouldn't be comfortable with a serious girlfriend who was smarter, stronger, faster, in fact better at everything than he was. And how would he deal with her closeness to Richard and Craig? She doubted very much if jealousy of her relationship with them wouldn't creep in and ruin things.

She wiped a treacherous tear from her cheek impatiently. She had so much to be grateful for. But right now she just wanted to go home and hide. She didn't feel comfortable with her friends any more. She'd lost the ability to be open and honest with them and they didn't even realise it. She felt like she was living a lie.

She lay in the dark for a long time, going over and over the same ground and fighting back the tears until eventually she fell asleep.

...

Morning came. The ringing of the telephone by her bed cut through her sleep. She picked it up and heard Jan's voice telling her that she and Jackie were off for a manicure and that Sharron and Joanne were booked in for a pre-breakfast reflexology session in half an hour so she'd better hurry up.

Sharron grabbed her coffee and flipped the switch on the miniature kettle she'd brought with her, she couldn't start the day without a coffee, then went into the bathroom. She washed and dressed quickly and was just spooning sugar into her cup when there was a knock on the door. She opened it and Joanne walked in.

"Hey Jay, are you all right? You went sort of distant last night. Like you did years ago when you were feeling a bit out of it because of your name not starting with 'J'.

Sharron was silent.

"It's all right, you can tell me anything…or, it's fine if you'd rather not," Joanne said.

Sharron hesitated.

"It's the relationship thing isn't it? Is there someone..."

Sharron took a deep breath then blurted out,

"Yes...no...yes. There is no one. No one at all. Most of time I'm fine with that. I don't need anyone else, I am complete, all of you were right about that. But... but every now and then I wish...I want…I'd love there to be someone... someone just for me. That's all. But it really is all right...most of the time." Her voice trailed off. "Just sometimes... it's not."

"But you're really attractive, I don't understand why..." Joanne took a step towards her friend then saw Sharron's expression harden as she backed away. She paused for a moment then continued,

"...it's all right Jay..."

Sharron winced involuntarily at the sound of the nickname. She felt inauthentic enough without being called by a name that didn't feel like hers. Joanne noticed immediately, she always had been quick at reading Sharron's body language.

"It's all right Sharron," she said, "you don't have to share everything with me. Just whatever you are comfortable with. I'm very glad you told me as much as you did. I already know exactly why it's difficult for you to have a serious relationship anyway."

Sharron felt an unreasonable panic. Had she somehow let Joanne know the truth? Alcohol hardly affected her since Tibet. It did nothing more than give a her a pleasant, slightly relaxed feeling. Surely she hadn't drunk anything like enough last night for the kind of confession Joanne's words implied?

"I've suspected for a while and that amazing display of speed in the pool confirmed my thoughts," Joanne continued.

She knew! But how could she? She'd always been discerning but this surpassed even Sharron's own special abilities.

"It's your job isn't it? Actually forget I asked that. I know you couldn't tell me even if you wanted to. You've let us believe that you've got an admin job with Nemesis. The other two have never thought it through but I know you are far too intelligent, and well qualified, and far too ambitious," she gave a little laugh then continued, "to be doing a simple admin job. I think, in fact I'm sure, that you are a Nemesis operator, a bona fide spy. That display of speed in the pool just showed how thorough your training is. Nothing left to chance. So, with a job like yours, I can understand why it would be difficult to have a serious relationship. And I know you Ja...er...Sharron you aren't the type to have casual flings."

She waited for Sharron to reply but her friend was still silent. She continued,

"You don't have to share secrets or personal stuff if you can't or you don't want to. You're still the same Sharron I knew when we first knew each other when we were teenagers and I'm still the same Joanne. We didn't have to share every secret back then - we just chose to share, as teenagers often do - but it was never the important thing. The important thing was how much we cared about each other and that has never changed. I'm always here for you... always no matter what."

Her voice changed and she became brisk,

"Right Jay, that's enough serious stuff for one holiday. Drink your coffee and we'll go and have that foot rub."

And, just like that, Sharron didn't feel so alone anymore.