Sugary Sweet Karma
Karma (n): the force generated by a person's actions held in Hinduism and Buddhism to perpetuate reincarnation and to determine the nature of the person's next existence
-The Merriam-Webster Dictionary, 6th ed. (2004)
The past two-and-a-half months were rough on Master Hand.
His words apparently went through one ear and out the other. Fox, Falcon and some of the spectators persisted in their disrespectful behavior. He'd issued armloads of citations and even imposed brief suspensions on the racer and the vulpine. Alas, they'd just switch to more covert tactics. One moment, they could be begging forgiveness from Luigi, and the next, they could be targeting him for pee and poop pranks as well as stunts in the shower. He could sense the plumber's emotions slowly brewing and considered having a chat with him, but he'd peep in on him from time to time and see him in lively converse with the other C tiers, Jiggs or Mario. It didn't look like he was falling apart at all.
On the battlefield, Luigi seemed to use the jeers as fuel, especially when a higher tier was the opponent. Master Hand would never forget the match between the man in green and Captain Falcon at Hyrule Castle one fine afternoon. It started off normally, but only a few minutes in, Luigi seemed to explode! He quickly got his opponent to an area of the stage popularly nicknamed "the Tent", where, true to its moniker, the plumber unloaded on the good Captain with infinite combos using a wall and the gazebo. By the time Douglas escaped, it was too late. Luigi had won. Douglas had spent the afternoon sulking, but Luigi didn't gloat. He never gloated. He just blushed and mumbled something about good practice.
Then, there was the morning where both Fox and Douglas were pitted against Luigi in a free-for-all. Predictably, the two A tiers tried to double team the man in green. But it was the plumber who got the drop on them, waiting for them to close in before hacking away with brute force. They barely managed to lay a single hit on him. The match got alarmingly bloody, and Master Hand swore he heard a thing or two break. Yet Luigi sensed that Master was about to halt the match and disqualify him, so he calmed down slightly in time to clinch the win.
Yet despite these victories, he was still being trounced by spectators and bloggers alike.
Now, it was seventy-five days after he first put the tier list up. The day's last matches had been fought, and everyone was getting ready for dinner. Master Hand was about to sound the call when—
Violent sobs erupted from the main hallway, followed by a wet scribbling sound.
Master tried to investigate the noise, but he found that he was frozen where he sat. His voice was gone, too, so he couldn't shout for one of the Polygons to check it out. The scribbling, yelling and crying went on for about two minutes. Then, the noise dwindled into gasps and quiet weeps.
"All Smashers, please, report to the cafeteria," Master Hand finally said.
Dinner passed by in the usual way. The twelve Smashers chatted among themselves while enjoying their food. It was after they'd retired to their rooms and dishes were being cleared away when a Polygon came running up to the Hand.
"What is it?" he asked.
"Sir, you've got to see this!" shouted the Polygon. "Just look at what some nutcase has done!"
Master Hand went with the Polygon straightaway to the main hallway. The tier list still hung there on the bulletin board, next to the day's matches, as it had for the past 75 days.
Somebody had wildly scribbled all over it in black.
And with that black scribble were words, very strong, angry words, which, translated from Italian, would be appalling profanity.
"Oh, dear God," murmured Master Hand.
The next morning, Master Hand made the burden-relieving decision of having the tier list taken down altogether. It was doing more harm than good, and once the daily reminder of everyone's rankings were gone, perhaps everyone would finally shape up.
For Luigi, the effect was instantaneous. His fire began to cool, and he could better hold his temper on the battlefield. Ness's mood also visibly improved, as did Link's, Samus's and DK's. They became more laid back, now that they were free from the specter of that thing. They could care less about what the audience thought of them now. Perhaps the incident with the black marker had blasted it out of them.
Unfortunately for two certain A tiers, it would take a series of humiliating blunders to shape them up…
It started with a Team Battle. Samus and Douglas against Ness and Kirby. Douglas had spent the minutes before the match flirting with Sam, and while both teams were waiting on the stage, he'd talked a little trash to Ness. Sam had given Douglas a severe look, but remained silent, choosing to focus on the battle ahead. Her partner had thought his high ranking would spell an easy victory for them, but he must've forgotten that in a Team Battle, a fighter shouldn't have the teammate do the grunt work while he made wisecracks to the opposing team and tried to show off for the audience. The match culminated in a disastrous defeat for the two bounty hunters, courtesy of Kirby copying Douglas's Falcon Punch and Ness's sturdy baseball bat, which had cracked slightly by the end of the fight. Of course, Douglas reacted badly, refusing to take his recklessness and carelessness into account and trying to use his teammate and his opponents as scapegoats. Samus wanted to scold her crush, but instead headed off to the gym, beat three punching bags within an inch of their lives and hogged the cardio area until she dripped with sweat. When that didn't work, she went to the Training Area, where she practically demolished a few Polygons before Luigi relieved them. He'd witnessed the Team Battle as well as the aftermath and was just as hot as Sam. They went good and hard at each other until a Polygon arrived and insisted that they take a break. Then, Luigi treated Sam to lunch, where they commiserated over Falcon's barely tolerable behavior. At nightfall, Douglas showed up at Samus's door with a bouquet of flowers, admitting that he was wrong and that he probably overreacted earlier. Regardless, Samus was cool toward the good Captain for a few days after.
Then, Fox was in a heated battle with Link atop his starship. He was so busy with catty remarks over Link being eleventh that he forgot about the stage hazards and found himself caught up in a shower of Arwing lasers. The Hero of Time easily finished him with the Master Sword, and it took a week for him to speak to Fox again. The vulpine acted like nothing was the matter and spent most of his time with his BFF, Douglas, reminding the other ten how high and mighty they were.
Their day was coming, and approaching fast…
"Show me ya moves!" crowed Douglas.
He and Luigi stood across from each other, atop different platforms. The match had just begun, and Falcon was confident that he'd smoke this plumber!
Not a muscle moved on Luigi's face in response to the taunt. He communicated only with his eyes, and Falcon must've read the message in them, because he looked away. Steadily, Luigi put his fists up, watching and waiting. In the back of his mind, he knew what the racer was going to do. Maybe he could use it to his advantage.
Falcon smirked. "Scared now, huh?"
Luigi said nothing, hands clenched to the point they were perspiring. He'd let Douglas show his moves first.
"Come on!" goaded Falcon, leaping across the platforms and aiming an attack at Luigi.
The plumber's eyes glittered, and his mouth worked in anticipation. He could feel his muscles snap to attention as he wound up. Before he could let go with his fist, however…
"FALCON KICK!"
Douglas found himself on empty space as his high momentum caused him to overshoot Luigi. He hung there helplessly for a bit before dropping into the blast zone below.
Luigi didn't even bat an eye.
Falcon respawned and glared at his opponent. "You were lucky," he huffed, "but I'll get you this time! Show me ya moves, L!"
Once again, he lunged at his opponent. Luigi pulled back and had just mapped out the trajectory for a spectacular punch when…
Douglas attempted a Falcon Dive and missed by a fraction of an inch. Luigi watched stonily as his opponent free fell into the abyss below.
That's odd. I thought he'd learned the first time.
For the second time, Douglas respawned, looking irate. "You're getting on my nerves," he growled.
Why? I'm not doing anything.
"L, I'm gonna wreck you so hard!" vowed the racer, flames forming in his fists.
Do it, Falcon. Work yourself up and then spring for me in a rage. Come on. I'd love to Super Smash that smug look off your face.
"Show me ya moves!" yelled Falcon as he charged at Luigi.
Come and get it, Falcon.
But for the third consecutive time, Falcon overshot Luigi and lost a stock by a self-destruct. He now had only one stock left.
Luigi could swear he saw steam rising from the good Captain's ears. "This is it, plumber! Now I've got you!" the racer shouted.
With each self-destruct he'd witnessed, Luigi's face had gotten tighter and redder. How much longer would he have to put up with this?
"Show me ya moves!"
He practically sprang for Luigi's throat. But since he threw caution and strategy to the wind—no such luck. Down he went.
GAME SET!
Groggily, Douglas rose to his feet. "Ugh," he moaned. "What happened?"
"What do you think? You SD'd, and I won." Luigi's voice sounded tight, and Falcon had a clue why.
"Falcon—mope," pouted the racer. "I should've watched where I was going."
"Instead of taunting 'the last place loser' about showing moves?" snapped Luigi, using air quotes, his face completely granite. Unreleased energy was contained in his lean, limber body.
Falcon held his hands up in a "back off" gesture. "I guess I got too cocky and let myself be carried away. I'm sorry."
Luigi dropped his eyes for a second. When he looked up, he'd softened just a little bit. "I know," he replied. "I was just about to have you, too.
"Tell you what," he continued with a slight smile. "I'll talk to Master Hand about a rematch tomorrow, same Smash time, same Smash place. How does that sound?"
"Yes!" Falcon said easily.
"Somehow, I knew you'd like that," deadpanned Luigi. The icy, severe look came back to his face. "But don't think for one second that I'll go easy on you."
"Of course."
"It was just luck that I got to win without laying a finger on you, due to your carelessness." Luigi paused and took a deep breath to keep his voice level.
"I never thought I'd see the day where somebody won a match by doing essentially nothing," mused Douglas. "FALCON—AMAZED!"
"Oh, you'll be more than amazed tomorrow, because I'm gonna show you the most spectacular moves you've ever seen!" Luigi shot back. He'd have this big shot aching and moaning and begging for mercy!
"FALCON—DEAL!" grinned the good Captain.
But Luigi wasn't done yet. He hoped that this incident would help Douglas see the folly in his overconfidence. Carefully, he hopped across the stage and stood nose to nose with the racer. Falcon wasn't used to seeing Luigi so serious.
"I made a fool of myself," Douglas finally said.
"Yes, you did."
"I thought I'd win because I was ranked higher, and look how that ended up."
"Tell me about it."
"I'm really sorry, Luigi."
"I heard you the first time, Douglas. But I'm sure Samus didn't. And neither did Ness, DK, Link or the others…" Luigi trailed off as he heard his voice sharpen. "You've been extremely cocky lately, and you know it."
"How can I make it up to you?" asked Falcon.
"Well, you can exercise more caution in your taunting and spend more time coughing up a strategy, for starters," Luigi told him. "Why else have you suffered losses lately? How can you explain the outcome of that Team Battle—where you tried to blame the woman you've been romancing. Have you noticed that she barely speaks to you nowadays and how aggressively she spars with you when you are together? She relayed an important message for me to share with you, Douglas: Cut the crap, or it's over."
"Gee. That's blunt," muttered Falcon.
"We used to play Twister together!" Luigi was on a roll now. Standing here on a battle stage, the words were finally snapping loose. "You, me, Ness and Jiggs—we were the Formidable Four! One quartet, taking on the world! There was a time when you didn't mind breathing the same air I breathed! We were destined to set this tournament on fire! But you saw that tier list, and boom—you were too perfect for everyone else except Fox! Your partner in crime, Fox! It was you and Fox, and the rest of us could drop dead! You couldn't even accept a sundae from Kirby because you'd be sitting with 'some bad apples'! All through that day, and the days after, you thought you were something else! That's right, I overheard you making spectacles of yourselves at the ice cream parlor and getting drunk in your room—and I was going to have a talk with you, too! And don't think I haven't noticed your antics in the last two months or so—strutting like peacocks, blasting 2pac and other gangster rap like your so freaking cool, pulling pranks, turning your noses up at fighters just as strong as you—even your fellow unlockables! Do you have any idea of your arrogance and ignorance?!"
Luigi continued to speak, incarnating the frustrations shared by the other C tiers. The talks with Samus, Ness and Link in which he let them vent before venting in return. The invisible barrier forming between them and the A tiers. The stuck-up spectators. Luigi beating down dummies, dancing, sparring with friends and Polygons and doing artwork to clear his head. The cathartic sleepovers with Ness, Sam, DK and Link. The igniting phone calls in which a C tier spread the word of harassment. A single loss being the powder keg for such ignorant antics. Syllables exploded from Luigi's lips in a relentless barrage, Douglas trying and failing to return fire. The plumber's voice rose in volume and slightly in pitch, and he gestured passionately. He was taking his aggression and reshaping it into assertion—no words could describe how amazing it felt as it all crescendoed into an all-consuming wave.
"WE'RE JUST FREAKING TIRED OF YOUR LITTLE ATTITUDE, OKAY?! JUST STOP IT—STOP NOW! YOU AND FOX—YOU NEED TO KNOCK IT OFF, BECAUSE WE'RE NOT TAKING ANYMORE OF IT!"
He finished with his fists clenched, breathing heavily. Dropping his voice, Luigi concluded:
"Think about that when we're battling tomorrow."
Fox's major day of reckoning arrived in a fierce one-on-one against Luigi atop the Great Fox.
After Luigi suffered a crushing loss, the vulpine felt a twinge of guilt and decided to cheer up the man in green with a ride on his starship. Luigi had drowsed off halfway through. Thirty minutes before their fight, Fox woke Luigi, who'd taken the opportunity to shower and change clothes.
The shower had invigorated him, for he figured out that Fox was his next opponent and under no uncertain terms vowed to best him. Fox would never forget their little talk, Luigi standing so close to him in his Fire Flower uniform, his eyes going snap crackle pop with adrenaline, the intense, whispered voice and the warmth of his breath against his fur. It made him all the more ready to confront the plumber atop the craft, and almost immediately, the mercenary leader found himself on the ropes, taking heavy blows from his green-clad opponent.
At a three-stock disadvantage, Fox placed a distress call to his Star Fox team, communicating with them via his earpiece while continuing to trade blows with Luigi.
"Guys! I'm being clobbered down here!"
"A wise decision not to bring me along, eh, Fox?" sniffed the ace pilot, Falco Lombardi.
"Darn it, Falco! I asked you a million billion times if you wanted me to bring you an application, and you said you weren't up to it!" huffed Fox. He began to lay on some defensive fire using his Blaster.
"What's the situation, Fox?" asked Peppy Hare.
"We've been in close hand-to-hand combat for the past half hour! This guy's giving me everything he's got!"
"Like I said I would!" yelled Luigi.
"How's that Blaster working out?" questioned Slippy Toad.
"Cheap thing? My opponents don't flinch, and there's no sign of a wound or anything!" Fox managed to blindside Luigi with his Firefox and a few solid kicks. "My opponent's stronger than I thought!"
"I thought you knew that," said Luigi as he got up.
"Hey, Fox—I know how to get you out of this!" Peppy said happily.
"Yeah? And what's that?"
"Do a barrel roll!"
"Oh, come on…!"
He was cut off as Luigi delivered a blinding blow which sent Fox sprawling onto his back. As the vulpine struggled up, Luigi fluidly spun and aimed a sharp kick at his opponent, knocking his earpiece clean off his face.
"I don't see why you need your friends, since you're so good," explained Luigi as Fox rolled to safety.
Fox winced. Luigi was right about that.
Light on his feet, the man in green darted close once more, smashed the vulpine a few times in the side and sent the Blaster twirling off into deep space with a lucky blow.
"I told you your space gadgets wouldn't get past me," he stated.
"I can use my fists, too," Fox said hotly.
"Prove it."
And Fox did. He knew a lot of martial arts from his father and other space heroes he met up with on his travels. Though fast and versatile, Luigi continued to more than match him blow for blow, giving Fox his all, plus more. He never reneged on a promise, after all. Things were getting really desperate for Fox now. On his last stock, heavily damaged, with Luigi not even close to a KO percentage. Bruised, aching, exhausted—and now holding tightly to the tail of the Great Fox. Imagine the humiliation! About to be beaten aboard his own ship! By a mediocre character, no less!
No! I am not losing to the worst character in the game!
Everything went silent. A slight chill swept down Fox's spine. He sensed something was dreadfully wrong.
Dare he look up?
A few paces from him was Luigi, motionless. His fists were half-clenched. Shock, disbelief and hurt were written all over his face. Slack-jawed, stunned. Then, Luigi's power of movement returned. As he moved closer to the ledge where Fox clung, something scary began to brew in his wounded doe eyes, naked malevolence darkening his face. It hit Fox like an Arwing laser—he just spoke that sentence out loud.
"Wow, Fox," Luigi spoke up, monotone. "You had to bring that up, didn't you?"
"L—you've got to believe me—that just slipped out—I…"
"Well, this slipped out, too," Luigi said icily, balancing himself on the ledge and doing a bashful little kick which broke Fox's grip, sending him plummeting down.
GAME SET!
Oh, yeah, Luigi thought to himself a few days after. I just love the sweet, succulent taste of payback—
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