S Tier Interviews: Kirby

Boldface: Master Hand

Normal: Interviewee

Italics: Mario


Thank you for taking the time to come here, Kirby. I'm going to ask you a few questions, and I would like you to answer with two "poyo"s for yes and one "poyo" for no. Can you do that for me?

Poyo, poyo!

And don't worry. We're not here to accuse you of anything. We just need to shed some light on past situations.

Thank you for that, Mario. Okay, here we go. For the record, is your name Kirby?

Poyo, poyo.

Are you a Star Warrior?

Poyo, poyo.

Do you hail from the city of Dreamland on the planet Popstar?

Poyo, poyo.

Is it true that you were ranked second alongside Pikachu on the S tier?

Poyo, poyo.

Is it true that you two were close for the duration of the first tournament?

Poyo, poyo.

For the duration of the first tournament, did you feel happy and proud to be ranked so high?

Poyo, poyo.

Did you feel superior to the lower ranked Smashers at any point in 1999?

Poyo!

Kirby, take it easy. You're not being put on trial.

Were there any tensions between you and the lower ranked fighters?

Poyo.

Did you ever assume that your high ranking would mean an instant win?

Poyo.

Did you ever react negatively to a loss in 1999?

Poyo.

Did you ever feel that you could never lose a match against a lower-ranked fighter?

Poyo.

Mario, is there anything you'd like to say before I move on to the next batch of questions?

No, except that I bear witness to Kirby's responses as true.

Okay, Kirby. I'm now going to ask you questions which are specifically aimed toward your relationship with a certain Smasher on the roster. Are you ready?

Poyo, poyo!

Just don't worry about what will happen if we find something against you. Just answer as truthfully as you can.

Poyo, poyo.

Kirby, is it true that you maintained a very close relationship with Luigi?

Poyo, poyo.

Is it true that you offered him free hugs and tried to comfort him when the tier list came out?

Poyo, poyo.

Is it true that on the day in question you tried to get everyone back together with ice cream sundaes?

Poyo, poyo.

Master Hand, I would like to introduce Kirby's Exhibit A. It is a photograph taken on the day in question which shows ten of the twelve fighters, including myself, disregarding our rankings and enjoying ice cream together.

And has the Smash Photographic Department verified this photo as genuine?

Yes, it has.

Thank you, Mario. Kirby, I would like for you to study this photograph. Do you see Luigi in it?

Poyo, poyo.

Do you see yourself?

Poyo, poyo.

Do you notice that two of the original Smashers are missing in this photo?

Poyo, poyo.

And was that because they were considered "too good" for everyone else?

Poyo, poyo.

Based on your ranking with respect to Luigi's, did you ever think that he'd be easy to defeat?

Poyo.

Based on Luigi's ranking, did you ever believe him useless and/or unable to fight?

Poyo.

Did you ever use your ranking with respect to his to torment, provoke or otherwise harm his self-esteem?

Poyo! Poyo, poyo, popoyo…

Relax. You're fine.

In the days following the release of the tier list, did you observe its negative effects on Luigi's morale and self-esteem?

Poyo, poyo.

Is it true that you always showed up for his matches to encourage him, except for when you were engaged in a match yourself?

Poyo, poyo.

Was he guarded in his interactions with you?

Poyo, poyo.

Have you ever thought that he wasn't staying in his place when he challenged the negative connotations of his low ranking?

Poyo.

Were you happy to see him sticking up for himself?

Poyo, poyo.

On the night after the first tier list was released, Luigi reacted quite strongly to an insult directed at him by a higher ranked fighter. Did you condone and do you still condone that strong reaction?

Poyo, poyo.

In the succeeding days, Luigi began to take increasingly drastic actions against the tier list entirely. Did you condone and do you still condone those actions?

Poyo, poyo.

Master Hand, I will now introduce Kirby's Exhibit B. A printout of a post on our old Smash Blog, dated the 28th of July in the year of our Lord 1999. It reads as follows: "I don't care what that tier list says, Luigi is an excellent fighter and is as skilled as my mentor, Sir Meta Knight. Please, leave him alone." And there are some emoticons in there, as well.

Kirby, are those your words?

Poyo, poyo.

Mario, do you bear witness to the evidence you introduced?

Yes, I do. Look, I followed his blog, so…

That was a "yes or no" question, Mario.

Yes.

Kirby, do you certify that your answers are the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth?

Poyo, poyo.

Mario, do you verify that Kirby's responses are the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth?

I do verify.

Kirby, once again, thank you for your time. You are dismissed.


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