A Tier Interviews: Captain Falcon
TW: Mild violence and censored language
Bold: MH
Plain: Interviewee
Italics: Mario
I appreciate you coming down here, Douglas.
What's this about? Did I do anything?
That's for us to find out, Cap'n. Just answer the questions as best as you can.
Okay.
Please state your full name and occupation for the record.
My name is Douglas Jay Falcon. I race for the F-Zero Grand Prix, in which, I might add, I won several trophies. I'm also a bounty hunter, and a darn good one at that.
How apt. So, Douglas, would you mind describing your relationship with the fighters before I put up the tier list?
Sure! We were really tight with each other. Hanging around in the lounge, telling jokes and stories, sparring together—we were like family.
And what was your relationship after I put the tier list up?
Are you kidding? I was up there with the big dogs, the VIPs! I had no time for the lowly ones—at least, that was what I thought at the time.
You were ranked third on the A tier, is that correct?
Yes.
And after I put the tier list up, is it true that you were closer to Fox than anyone else?
Yes, I was. Is that a problem?
Don't be a wiseacre, Falcon.
Could you tell us how you felt to be a high tier fighter?
Definitely! I was so happy. Being a secret character was kinda hard because I didn't think anyone would acknowledge my skills. But seeing my name so high up on that list was a shock, to be honest. I remember thinking: "I'm just a racecar driver and part-time bounty hunter with a mysterious past—and a hidden character, no less. Do I really deserve this?" But after a while, I was like: "Whoa, this feels pretty great." YES!
And you also felt pretty proud, yes?
Yep. I did. I was so proud of myself and of Fox.
But an electric mouse and a pink puffball were ranked higher than you. Did you ever feel sore over that?
Of course not. I felt like they were—part of the club. As a whole, we were—the top of the totem pole, so to speak.
Which brings me to my next question. Did you ever feel superior to the lower-ranked fighters seventeen years ago?
Not really. No.
Then would you do us the favor of explaining this? Exhibit A—a photograph showing ten of the Original Twelve sitting at the table enjoying ice cream together. Both you and Fox are absent in this photo. Why do you suppose that is?
What? We're not allowed to have some male bonding time?
Male bonding time? Then allow me to introduce Exhibit B—witness testimony stating that you and Fox spent days afterward in one or the other's room, playing 2pac and other gangster rap at an obnoxiously high volume, getting drunk—and pulling pranks on some lower tiers.
Captain Falcon—is this testimony true?
Oh, c'mon! It was all in fun!
Yes, or no, Douglas?
[Exasperated sigh] Yes. Hey, what's the big idea, anyway?
There's no need to get defensive, Cap'n. You're not being accused of anything—unless you did something you'd like to tell us about.
Okay, fine—so I boasted a little bit to the lower-ranked fighters. No harm, no foul, right?
We'll see.
Mario, I've got this handled. Douglas, it would be a good idea to answer our questions honestly. That way, we'll be more convinced that you did nothing wrong. So, you did feel superior to the lower ranked fighters, is that correct?
[Sigh, eyeroll] Yes, I did.
Why did you feel superior?
Because—well because—I felt I could win over them all. Fox and I were the predators, and the lower-ranked ones were the prey.
That's what I thought you'd say. This is Exhibit C, an eyewitness account on the day in question. According to this eyewitness, the ten Smashers in the photo presented in Exhibit A were enjoying the ice cream sundaes Kirby provided for them when you and Fox quite loudly barged in. You then said something about "saving some ice-cream for the winners" while Fox proclaimed that it was "time to celebrate". Upon being offered an ice cream sundae each, you declined, saying, and I quote, "Pfft, it you want those sundaes, then you can have them! I see some bad apples in this bunch, and I don't want to hang around with them."
Did you say that, Douglas?
Every word.
When you said "bad apples", to whom were you referring?
Nobody in particular.
The account Mario has introduced also states that you and Fox shared nachos together. Is this true?
Yes. Nothing wrong with sharing nachos, is there?
Falcon, are you gonna get smart or are you gonna help us by answering our questions?
How can I help you if I don't even know where you're headed with these questions?
Don't worry. You'll figure it out soon enough. Now, based on your ranking, I would like you to rank your perceived likelihood of winning from 1 to 10, with 1 being the least likely and 10 being the most.
Erm—I say—8.
Now, with the same system, I would like you to rank your perceived immunity against a loss to a lower-tier fighter.
10. Definitely.
Douglas, is it true that you once reacted badly to a loss in a Team Battle involving lower tier fighters in 1999?
Yes.
Would you care to tell us a little about that?
It was a Team Battle, me and Samus vs. Ness and Kirby. Sammy and I were good at our craft, and I thought we could take them. Before the match, I kinda got Ness riled up, with him being in the C tiers and all. Yeah, Sammy was in the C tiers, too, but I was crazy about her. Anyway, the match started, and I thought we had it in the bag, y'know, because of me being A tier. Well, I spent most of the fight goading Ness and being a show-off while Sammy did most of the fighting. Our opponents tended to pressure her, and I should've helped her, but—I was just too busy acting like I was everything. Well, long story short, we lost. I was extremely angry and wanted someone to blame, and Sammy, unfortunately, drew the short straw. I felt like a real jerk afterwards.
Well, you should've!
Mario, calm down.
I'm sorry. I just…
I understand. Douglas, what did you say to Samus?
I—I essentially blamed her for the loss. She looked ready to punch me in the face after I said those things. I tried to apologize, but she just stormed off. That night, I bought her flowers, but after that day, things weren't really the same between us.
Is it true that you finally saw the error of your ways and apologized to everyone?
Yes. Sammy even decided to give me another chance.
Mario, is there anything you'd like to add before we move on to the next batch of questions?
All I have to say is that I hope Douglas is more forthcoming during these next questions.
Douglas, these next questions will focus on your relationship with specific fighter. Please, answer these to the best of your ability.
Okay. I guess I don't have a choice.
No, you don't.
Mario, that's enough.
[Sigh, muttering]
Douglas, is it true that you identified with Luigi as a fellow hidden character?
Yes.
Is it true that you, Jigglypuff, Ness and Luigi referred to yourselves as the Formidable Four?
Yes.
Is it true that prior to the tier list, you were a close-knit group?
Yes.
And is it true that after the tier list, you began to disregard them based on their rankings?
[Sigh] Yes.
Luigi in particular?
Yes.
And why did you spurn Luigi, after everything you've done together up till that point?
Because—he was last.
Mario, I can see it coming. Don't even think about it. Now, Douglas, is it true that you were playing Twister with your fellow unlockables on the day in question?
Yes.
And after you saw the tier list, did the four of you go on any more outings together?
No.
On the day in question and on the following days, is it true that you and Fox began taking shots at Luigi for being bottom tier?
Yes, but—
Is it also true that you were among those mocking him online and in the stands?
Now wait just a minute—
Answer the question, Falcon!
Well, then I plead the Fifth. How's that for an answer?
Douglas, watch your tone. Is it true that you recorded a match in which Luigi was defeated by a higher-tier fighter?
Yes.
What did you intend to do with the recording?
I dunno.
Oh, I really think you do. You were going to put it online or otherwise exhibit it in public, weren't you?
Hey, back off me, man.
Weren't you?!
Yes, and I was gonna show it to everyone in the Mushroom Kingdom and in my universe, too! What do you want me to say?!
All right, settle down. Did you, in any way, use your ranking with respect to Luigi's to hassle him or otherwise harm his self-esteem?
Master Hand, you gotta understand, it was all in fun! I didn't mean to hurt the poor guy!
All in fun? Then explain to us Luigi's strong reaction to some words you said to him the night after I put up the tier list. Was that also "all in fun"?
Now see here, Master Hand—
Now introducing Exhibit D—an eyewitness account of the events at the Smash Lounge on the night in question. The patrons were relaxing and having good old time, when you showed up, drunk off your—
Mario…
Well, you get what I mean. You entered the Smash Lounge in an obviously intoxicated state and proceeded to single out Luigi.
Douglas, is it true that you were drunk on the night in question?
[Defeated sigh] Yes. Yes, I was.
How many drinks did you consume prior to entering the Smash Lounge?
Oh, about seven or so.
The account here says that you drank way more than seven. It also says that you were accompanied by Fox, also intoxicated. The two of you had to physically support one another to stand.
Is that true, Douglas?
Yes.
You then asked, and I quote: "Where is he, the last-place loser?", and then added, "You're the bottom of the food chain, buddy!"
Falcon, did you say those words?
I did.
The two of you continued to disrupt the lounge despite many patrons asking if you were drunk, warning you that the day's matches weren't over and threatening to get the bouncers. Fox said something along the lines of explaining "the pecking order" to someone. And then you, Falcon, turned on Luigi and called him a name!
Did you, in fact, call Luigi a name, Douglas?
I—yes.
And what did you call him, besides "the last-place loser"?
I—I called him a—I called him a n—b.
And why did you call him that name?
Look, I was drunk, okay? I didn't know what I was doing!
You did, according to this eyewitness. You told Luigi, and I quote: "You can't hide from us! Let's go! Let's see how low you are!"
And what happened then, Douglas?
Luigi drank the last of his beverage, put down his glass, got up and stared me down.
Upon which you challenged him to "settle this like men—if you're even capable of doing that".
Douglas Jay Falcon. Is all of this the truth?
Y-yes. I did it. I said those things to Luigi. I set him off, and blows were exchanged. Lots of them.
And is it also true that you and Fox pulled copious bathroom pranks on Luigi in the succeeding days?
We did. Like I said, all in fun!
Then would you mind justifying the anger and rage I saw in Luigi's eyes? Or his shrieks as he fell victim to said pranks? Did it look like he was having fun to you?!
Mario, I know you're upset, and you have every right to be. But getting hostile won't get answers.
[Sigh] I guess you're right. Carry on.
Douglas, it was only after you were defeated by Luigi with him doing absolutely nothing that you began to see the error of your ways, is that correct?
Yes.
Prior to that match, did you believe him useless and/or unable to fight?
[Pause] Yes. I didn't think he would fight very well.
When Luigi began challenging the negative connotations of being last, did you think he was stepping out of line?
No.
So, let me get this straight. He beats the [bleep] out of you in the lounge, he beats you up in several notable matches, and still you think he can't fight if it'll save him?
Kinda.
You sick [bleep]! He trusted you, he offered you his friendship, and as soon as that list showed up, you threw it all in his face—just because you considered yourself cooler than him!
Mario, for God's sake! I know how affected you are by Falcon's actions, but if he contends that he didn't mean it…
Then why didn't he apologize?!
Okay, let's get something straight here! I did apologize! More than once!
Only for you to do it again, am I right?
I can explain—
You just couldn't get enough of doing those pseudo-disgusting things in the bathroom. You couldn't get enough of his yelps and you wanted to hammer in the fact that you're still higher on the tier list! You wanted revenge for him trouncing you in public in that lounge!
He makes a good point, Falcon. If you keep doing it, then how effective are your apologies?
I just wanted to have fun, don't you understand?
Then why not try them on Kirby and Pikachu? Weren't you scared of retaliation because they were on a higher tier than you? Why the C tiers, and especially Luigi?
Douglas, did you observe Luigi growing increasingly distant from you following the stunt you pulled?
Yes.
Did you at least take it as a sign that you were hurting and/or upsetting him?
Well, to be honest, at the time, I was in my own little world—and I could care less what he was thinking or feeling, so—
You kept doing it, because you enjoyed it, didn't you?! You bullied him, didn't you?! [Tackles interviewee and begins angrily beating him with his fists] You bullied him! You hurt him! You broke him! You made him feel like [bleep]! Some friend you turned out to be! How do you live with yourself?! [Etc.]
[pulls Mario away] Mario Jumpman! Wait outside for me in the hall!
[sobbing, door slamming]
Gee, what's his problem?
Fear not. I will discuss this outburst with him after this interview. Now, I have a few more questions for you.
Ask away.
After he beat you by doing absolutely nothing, did he remain guarded in his interactions with you despite you taking steps to reform your attitude?
Yes.
Is it true that you sought to reconcile the Formidable Four by treating them to breakfast?
Yes.
To accomplish this, did you usher Jiggs, Ness and Luigi to a special room with memorabilia from their respective home universes?
Yes.
And did you offer an apology to your fellow secret fighters?
I did.
Are you saying that you regret your behavior toward Luigi during the majority of the first tournament?
Deeply.
If you were in Luigi's situation, then would you have reacted the same way as he did on the night in question?
I'm not sure. Am I in trouble?
We'll see. But for the time being, I suggest you go to Luigi and talk to him about what went down seventeen years ago. You two are close friends nowadays, yes?
We are.
But I don't think he's truly forgotten about it. There may be moments, late, late at night, where he thinks about it. Time heals some wounds, but not all of them.
Do you think confessing to him will help?
I can guarantee it. And perhaps a real apology, this time.
You got it. And off the record, don't go too hard on Mario. I—I deserved that. Every bit.
Don't worry about it. Douglas, do you certify that your responses are the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth?
I do. Can I please go now?
You are dismissed. But remember what I said about talking to Luigi.
Reviews are appreciated!
P.S.: Thank you, SmashKing24! Your review was as thorough as an Ebert film review. I honestly didn't think this story had such a depressing tone, tbh. And in my stories, I like to see Luigi sticking up for himself and fighting his own battles. But, everyone has their own interpretations on a story, so I'll take it. Maybe I'll review one of your stories in return. Or we could collab. That would be fun. Thanks again!
-S.H.
