Erm, I think this is many years later, because Chuya does use his Corruption ability since quite a young age in the anime. But i don't want the previous chapters to be when they were too young, either, because that wouldn't make too much sense either. (or, a little 说不通, but I can't find a good translation for it in English... so anyone who understands Chinese, good for you!)
Most people in the Port Mafia believed that he didn't have emotions. Well, he did. He had moments were he wanted to cry, and moments when he wanted to laugh. He knew what want and unwant was, like and dislike. He knew what tired, angry, comfortable, content, he knew what they all were and how they felt, he just wasn't surprised. They were all the same to him, all manifestations of hormones and signals in his brain, and they never surprised him. They weren't things worth living for.
And it wasn't that Dazai couldn't understand feelings. He could. In fact, he could understand how and why people felt the way they did so well, he could fake every and any feeling when he needed to, and he never guessed wrong what others expected him to feel. And so, he could understand why Chuya felt the way he did. He could understand why Chuya would... would love him, even if he himself hadn't experienced it yet. He heard people say that love was the strongest emotion of all. He heard it was the one thing that was sweetest in life. But it didn't seem sweet, if it made Chuya so sad. It didn't seem sweet if it had created such a hollow abyss between them. He didn't think love was something worth living for, and so he didn't try to seek it.
The day he left the Port Mafia, he knew he would 'break Chuya's heart'. And in a sense, it broke his own heart, as much as that stone-heart of his could be broken. He was scared, scared that his departure would extinguish the fire that was Chuya. He knew that if Chuya knew, he would just tell Dazai to stop being so vain. The world doesn't revolve around you. But then Dazai knew Chuya better than Chuya knew himself, and though Dazai wouldn't admit it, Chuya was also the only person in the world who could understand Dazai.
So instead Dazai tried to channel Chuya's grief into anger, because, even black fire would be better than no fire at all.
He pondered it over for a while, before deciding the best way would be to plant a bomb in Chuya's car. That way, it would both make Chuya hate him, and take away any suspicion that the Port Mafia may have for Chuya's role in his escape (betrayal). However, he had to make sure the explosion didn't trigger Corruption, and that Chuya didn't get too hurt. He would somehow have to get the bomb to explode just as Chuya is about to step into the car, or be there himself to stop Chuya once Corruption was activated. He opted for the first method, since being there in person was too risky.
...
He went to the bar he and Chuya visited all those years ago, when they had just completed a mission, and got a drink.
Dazai sat at the bar, his long legs dangling over the tall edge of the bar chair. If he pointed his toes down, he would be able to touch the floor. He remembered how he couldn't do that last time he had come.
He takes a sip of the amber liquid.
A laugh escapes him as he thinks of Chuya sitting at the bar, drinking more than Dazai even when he couldn't keep down his alcohol, his short legs dangling a long way off the ground. Hmm... maybe that is why Chuya never drank at the bars anymore.
...
A blast of fire.
The sound of metal against concrete.
His face was on the floor, he taste the tarmac in his mouth.
...
Dazai checked the clock behind the barman. It should be around time. Dazai placed a few bills on the table and left. The heavy tavern door swung closed behind him, and he seemed to hear in that shutting sound a door being closed on his memories. From that day on, he knew his relationship with Chuya would never be the same. And of course his thought were on Chuya when he left the Port Mafia, because after all, Chuya was his partner, the only person who truly understood him, the only person who filled his hollowness with a little fire.
He would never be completing missions with Chuya by his side again.
He would never have those little bickerings and fights, halfheartedly trying to finish off some enemy camp.
They would never sit in their shared apartment, watching a movie, Chuya getting drunk, Dazai demanding more food, read a book together, throw pillows at their partners, pulling at each other's hair, sharing quiet talks before sleeping, Chuya crawling into his bed when he had a nightmare, wake up with a knife to his throat, exchange little gifts that mean nothing to others but the world to two lonely orphans who found each other.
And Dazai left that all behind, with nothing more than a little annoyance and something less than regret.
I am so sorry if Dazai turned out to have too many emotions... It's just that even though I'm trying to write him as 'dead' it is very hard to write a love story in which one person doesn't have emotions... Plus, I've been reading too many fics about really sweet and fluffy Dazai x Chuya relationships, and I just couldn't make Chuya suffer so much. So yay for my attempted angst fic.
Also i apologize if he has too little emotion... but I am trying to get him to not feel anything until the crucial moment that sparked my idea for this fic (although i already desperately failed)
