Guilt and remorse seeped out of him the moment Gaven was back in his quarters.
Gaven regretted cheapening what should have been a moment of profound satisfaction for Odo and the other doctors. He lamented about allowing his conflicting feelings and actions to affect his relationship specifically with Dr. Bashir.
Why had he insisted upon pouring his lemon juice into the other doctor's cream? Sometimes Gaven caught himself being specifically hostile and less emotionally inhibited around Julian in a way that made him feel uncomfortable and out of control. Granted, of anyone on the station Julian had seen him at his most vulnerable on more than one occasion, but that didn't excuse or make it more permissible for Gaven to act out around him. When Julien had tried to stop him on the promenade, he had once again found himself emotionally compromised and compelled to vent at the other Doctor. It was a compulsion Gaven didn't understand.
Gaven sighed in frustration and plunked himself down on his sofa before rubbing vigorously at his face as if doing so could wipe away his fresh regrets. For a moment he nearly thought about leaving again and going to find Julian. For what purpose he wasn't sure. To apologize, perhaps, or to see if he could salvage his blunder and celebrate their medical achievement after all. But before he could put anything into motion, the computer piped in to alert him to the fact that the Vulcan science team's transport had docked and that he was to rendezvous with them within the hour.
Jyrrus Cheval took another deep breath as he sat waiting for the transport to dock with the small science team that had volunteered to transport from Vulcan to Deep Space Nine the remnants of the pod Gaven Ore-Oum had been extracted from. It had been a long stressful trip because of the special containment measures that had been needed to safely transport their radiated cargo.
Of the group, Cheval was the only one intending to stay on the station for an extended period to act as an ambassador and assist and supervise the exchange of data that had been negotiated about Gaven's activities and what the Vulcan's knew about shielding against poly radiation. The other Vulcan's were along to ensure that the package was delivered safely and that the station would have everything they needed to handle it correctly before they continued to Earth for other scientific business.
Cheval felt the impatience that was threatening him subside as he guided himself through a long series of Vulcan breathing exercises. It was unbecoming of him to feel as much as he did about his present task. Cheval's time with Gaven had been long in comparison to the other Vulcans who had overseen his care after they initially transported him back to Vulcan. Cheval had been the first one to mind meld with the alien refugee and had later been the one to bring him out of stasis when the freighter had come under attack. They'd subsequently spent months together treating the wounded and helping to keep the freighter operational as their damaged ship struggled to return home. Since then, he'd tried to put the encounter behind him.
Although mind melds allowed for one to view the memories and experiences of another, Vulcan's were supposed to be disciplined enough for the mind meld not to affect them emotionally. The experience was supposed to serve as nothing more than an exchange of information. And yet over the many preceding months, Cheval had often found himself dwelling on Gaven's experiences which were indeed terrible and tragic. To be expelled from one's world…unspeakable. To lose a bondmate...Unthinkable.
Although Gaven had not asked him specifically to come to the station, Cheval's name had been included on the list of contacts that had been given by Gaven to Captain Sisko.
Logic suggested that Gaven knew Cheval's presence was a possibility for that reason, though given that Cheval wasn't anyone of notable importance in the matter at hand it was unclear why the Elders had encouraged him to make the trip with the science officers in the first place. Then again, his actions such as his insistence to make contact with Gaven in the first place along with his decision to bring him out of stasis during the attack was well known. There had been inquiries about his choices from the Vulcan High Council. Although he was eventually cleared of any misjudgment in the matter at least by his superiors, his family was a different matter. Since his experiences with Gaven, Cheval had noticeably changed and those changes had begun to affect his personal relationships which in hindsight might have been why his mother had supported the idea of him revisiting the acquaintance and why his betrothed had not.
Cheval felt his impatience surge at the brief thought of seeing the good doctor again. A few of the other Vulcans traveling with him took notice but said nothing. They didn't have to. Cheval could sense a kind of indirect disapproval of him that they undoubtedly felt regarding his distinct lack of discipline and Vulcan like composure. Despite his high Vulcan ideals, Cheval couldn't prevent himself from feeling a certain amount of…resentment for their impersonal judgment of him. Vulcan's were supposed to be masters of their feelings, and while many convincingly were, Cheval knew that the real depth of his species emotional capabilities was profound. It was because their race could possess such strong emotions and aggression that they had taken such extreme measures to purge themselves of all illogical impulse.
As Vulcan's went, Cheval was considered a weaker specimen of their race in this regard. The sooner he got to Deep Space Nine and could send the rest of the team on their way, the better.
That evening many departures were happening. It seemed like just about everyone was in the docking bay halls. Kira and Edon were saying their goodbyes as Edon prepared to return to his duties on Bajor, Dr. Mora was also leaving since he had responsibilities on earth to fulfill and Odo was also seeing him off. Finally, Dax had agreed to join Gaven and the Captain to meet the Vulcan team, and Julian was on call in the infirmary to receive them.
It was due to be a late night to cap an already exciting day for just about everyone.
Jadzia met Gaven halfway to the docking bay with her datapad in hand when she caught sight of him. Upon seeing his expression, a frown slowly settled upon her features.
"Well, you don't look happy. Everything all right?" Jadzia asked as she pulled up beside Gaven.
"Fine. Just a little out of sorts this evening. Shall we?" Gaven didn't want to talk about the earlier events of his day.
"I heard Kira had the O'Brien's baby today. You were there, right?" Dax was trying to strike up a conversation mostly because she got the distinct impression Gaven was particularly upset and doing his level best to hide the fact.
"Yes. A boy. I must admit Bajoran deliveries are fascinating. The euphoria of the final moments. Amazing. I'm glad I was allowed to see it." Gaven admitted.
"I heard that wasn't the only baby you looked out for today…" Jadzia was ever insistent on having her satisfaction.
Gaven sighed. "Yes. The newling was in distress. But Dr. Bashir, I, Dr. Mora and Odo were able to intervene in time. There should be no reason why the little one won't have the best chance possible now to develop fully."
"Odo is better too, I'm told." Jadzia pressed.
A slight smile finally cracked Gaven's face. "That I can take absolutely no credit for. It can be purely attributed to Odo himself and the special bond he's managed to foster with the little changeling. It was…Something to see."
"There's the good Doctor I know and love. Come on. The transport should be here by now." Jadzia patted Gaven on the back in a masculine fashion s they rounded the corridor.
As Gaven and Jadzia were almost to their destination, Odo and Dr. Mora were also saying their final goodbyes.
"Well. How does it feel to be yourself again?" Mora asked. His tone was filled with delight.
Odo chuckled. "It feels…Right. When I think how things could have gone…"
"We should all be grateful for the outcome we had. I'm delighted, Odo. I'm very glad for you and me."
"For you?" Odo asked.
"Yes. I've decided I'm going to look at what happened today as a gift. To you, first and foremost. But also for me. I feel as if I understand something I didn't before. You've always been amazing, Odo. But now I see that I should have treated you more like my son than my subject. I regret that I've made you feel like that's all you were to me. It isn't true." Mora confessed.
Mora's words struck Odo with a mixture of remorse and empathy. "I think…I finally understand now how much I meant to you…But, it's nice to hear you say it all the same. I can imagine now what you must have gone through when I left."
Mora couldn't help but beam in a restrained way that was probably designed to keep him composed. "I knew you had to find your own way in the world, so I let you go."
Odo felt his composure slip slightly. "I realize now I should have included you in my life. I was wrong to cut you out of it."
"It's not too late, you still can include me, and I hope you do. You've got a big responsibility ahead of you now. It is both a joy and a feeling of sorrow no matter what you do. Believe me. I hope you will allow me the opportunity to catch a glimpse of your efforts now and again. I wish you well. From one father to another." He said.
Mora then extended his hand to shake, but the shake quickly dissolved into a fatherly embrace and both men finally let go of their differences once and for all.
"Take care of yourself, Odo. And…Take care of the little one for both of us." Mora said.
Caught by emotion all Odo could do was nod his agreement as Dr. Mora broke away from him and continued down the docking hall without looking back.
Seconds later Kira came from the opposite direction to meet Odo.
"Kira. I thought the O'Brien's were having a party." He observed.
Kira nodded. "Shaakar and I stopped by. I didn't feel much like celebrating."
"Oh?" Odo inquired, wanting to understand Kira's reasoning.
"It's just…I got into this because the O'Brien's needed my help. I never wanted a baby." Kira confessed. "But now? I just wish I could hold him in my arms…and never let him go."
Odo nodded. "I think I know how you feel, Nerys."
Sensing there was more they both needed to say between them, Kira nodded. "Want to take a walk?"
"Ah-huh." Odo agreed.
As they began to walk side by side, Odo put his arm across her back and they disappeared to places unknown together.
When Dax and Gaven finally arrived at their destination, they saw that the envoy had arrived, and that Captain Sisko was already in the process of receiving them. There were nine Vulcan's in total. Most of them academy personnel and a few younger students who were already experts in their field. All of them were stoically facing Gaven except the one who was murmuring with the Captain directly. He was tall by human standard but less developed than the other Vulcans.
As Gaven neared them, he felt a buzzing in the back of his head as a cold sweat broke out between his shoulder blades.
As if the Vulcan could specifically sense Gaven's reaction, he slowly turned around to face him.
"Cheval." Gaven breathed the name as his muted green eyes locked with the younger man's blue ones.
As expected, the other man showed no reaction to his name or the fact it was explicitly Gaven who had spoken it. And yet there was a kind of exchange between them. So subtle that no one else caught it.
Per proper etiquette, Cheval nodded acknowledgment. "Dr. Ore."
"Since you already know Doctor Ore, I would also like to introduce my Chief Science Officer Jadzia Dax. She'll escort your team to our science department and bring them up to speed. We're eager to utilize your people's expertise on radiation shielding. I understand its late, but I think we'd all appreciate getting the carrier remnants transferred and properly secure before we conclude this evening. So, I will leave you to it. Please make yourselves at home for the short time you will be staying on our station." Sisko said.
Half an hour later everyone was gathered in a part of the cargo area that had been modified to act as a holding bay. Jadzia worked with half of the Vulcan's as they looked over the poly shielding and helped Jadzia tweak it for better efficiency. There wasn't a lot to adjust thankfully. Julian was also there examining fresh samples of the radiation firsthand as the other Vulcan's carefully unloaded the remnants and positioned it for study.
That left Cheval and Gaven to watch the entire operation.
Gaven looked sterner than the Vulcans did. His arms were crossed over his chest with his forearm crutch resting against his thigh, and for once he made no effort to hide his black mood.
"Does…Watching this pain you?" Cheval finally asked.
"Yes," Gaven said bluntly knowing he could be frank about his feelings without causing offense.
"Perhaps it would be more logical to retire then. The science teams are more than capable of handling all of this." Cheval pointed out.
"I… could walk you to your quarters if you wish." Cheval offered tentatively.
"I suppose that's reasonable. I must say Cheval. I'm surprised that you're here." Gaven remarked.
"Why? You clearly knew my presence was a possibility since you provided my name along with the others to Captain Sisko. Considering I am the only governmental representative here, I would be curious to know why you included me?" Cheval asked.
"Now whose asking questions they already know the answer to?" Gaven asked rhetorically.
"I see. You included me for personal reasons." Cheval observed.
"Yes. Just as I suspect you agreed to come for personal reasons." Gaven replied.
Cheval pressed his lips and waited.
You're also right. I don't have any desire to continue standing around here anymore tonight. I'm tired and in bad humor. If you want to come along with me, you can. You don't exactly seem in high spirits yourself." Gaven observes.
"No. There is nothing to be gained by staying here. I will walk you back to your quarters if I may." Cheval replied.
After saying his goodbyes to Dax and Julian and promising to pick up with them in the morning, Gaven allowed Cheval to escort him back to his quarters.
By the time they arrived fatigue was decidedly settling in. Gaven had been all over the station that day bearing witness to one thing and helping put out the fires of another. As the day had worn on his limp had become more pronounced and his features more haggard.
"Guh. come in, please. Sit down and tell me what's gone on since I saw you last." Gaven insisted when he notice Cheval hesitate to cross his threshold.
Gaven eased gingerly down upon the corner of his sofa.
"There is not much to say. You recall my expertise is in botany. Since I saw you last, I've been on one of the Vulcan moons experimenting with crop development in low oxygen environments." Cheval explained.
"It sounds lonely," Gaven remarked.
"Isolation seems to suit me," Cheval said having taken a seat at the glass dining table.
"I don't believe that's true. But if it pleases you to say it, then fine." Gaven said dismissively.
"Before when I asked you why you included me, and you stated that I already knew why…I assume you were referring to what transpired on the freighter." Cheval pointed out.
"You saved my life," Gaven said nodding. "And then you saved the lives of everyone else."
"I brought you out of stasis. That is all. It was you who warded the Breen ship off us." Cheval corrected him.
"Did you honestly ask to walk me here to argue about who did what?" Gaven asked.
It was clear that Cheval wanted to confront him about something. Gaven wasn't sure what it was about, but he could tell the younger Vulcan man was disturbed. Vulcan's were such strange creatures. To feel as much as they did yet strive always to suppress their feelings, both impressed and disquieted Gaven.
"What's wrong, Cheval?" Gaven asked him gently.
"I find myself…I find myself dissatisfied. Since we melded our minds, I find myself unsure and restless in my work and day to day life." Cheval admitted.
"Why?" Gaven asked.
"I have found myself repeatedly concerned for you, for your wellbeing." Cheval sighed. "For a long time, I have wanted to find you to make sure you were well."
"You've been worried for me?" Gaven inquired.
"Before and during your time on the freighter, I sensed the depth of your suffering. Even before the mind meld, I could feel your intensity. The impression has stayed with me." He explained.
"I'm sorry. It was never my intention to affect you like that. I can promise I'm in far greater control of my feelings now than I was. But somehow I suspect my feelings aren't really the issue here." Gaven observed.
"You are trying to imply it is my feelings that are of concern. I assure you; I am in control of myself." Cheval insisted.
"I never said you weren't in control. You're a Vulcan. Albeit a somewhat eccentric one, but I would never call your sense of control into question. I included you on my list because you are perhaps the only being outside of Oum that understands the extent of what I feel and have experienced." Gaven said.
"You have not told anyone of your direct experiences on Oum?" Cheval inquired as some of the pieces began to fall into place and appease his curiosity.
"No, and I see little reason to. Now that I've been exiled. It isn't as if I can ever go back. My crimes on Oum would likely be seen as trifles most anywhere else. The Oum themselves can't claim that they haven't gotten their satisfaction in the business. Wouldn't you agree?" Gaven asked.
"The Oum intended to kill you second hand. They have not succeeded. Therefore, it would be only logical to assume that their will has not been fully satisfied as you claim." He reminded him.
"What exactly could they do? Come after me? I'll take my chances. No Oum, save for me, have left the planet in a thousand years if the records are to be believed." Gaven replied.
"I see. In any case, you still haven't explained…" The other man persisted.
"I'm dying, Cheval," Gaven said bluntly. "You know as well as I that without consistent exposure to my planet's sun, I cannot sustain. Choices I've made have already accelerated the process. I thought that having you here would make it easier emotionally."
"Considering you did not know if I would come, you took a troubling gamble. You could have asked that I come to you." Cheval pointed out.
"I could have. But wasn't sure how you would take it." Gaven admitted.
"I am satisfied that I found you again." Cheval carefully said. "Although, you may have picked a poor subject to unburden yourself to. I am a Vulcan. Feelings are not exactly my strong point." Cheval said.
"Maybe so, nevertheless, you are perhaps the only person in the universe; I don't have to explain myself to." Gaven countered.
"You are implying that the awareness we fostered through the mind meld makes you more transparent to me. While it is true that I have shared in your memories and past impressions, I would not go as far as to say that knowledge allows for complete understanding. There are many things outside of the facts that as a Vulcan and as an individual not of your species I fail to understand." Cheval explained.
"I'm sorry. I was too bold in my wording." Gaven corrected himself. "We, of course, barely know each other. The intimacy associated with the telepathic connection we briefly shared was indeed powerful in the moment but should not be misinterpreted for something it was not. Nevertheless, I am not a Vulcan or a human for that matter, and so it pleases me to look upon you as a friend. If that seems too illogical or uncomfortable, I can…"
"No." Cheval interrupted abruptly. "I…I…Welcome the honor of being your friend. It has always been difficult for me to cultivate intimate relationships even among my kind. I have always observed a certain resentment towards myself, for not being able to embody the classical archetypes and hallmarks of my species fully. In this, we are, perhaps, more alike than different. I appreciate your non-typical qualities immensely."
"I want you to know that the sentiment goes both ways. Vulcan or not, I don't judge you for who you are. I'm glad you're here and that you're accepting of my sense of camaraderie." Gaven said gently.
Cheval considered for a moment. "I…I have made tentative plans to remain on Deep Space Nine for an extended duration if necessary. My botany research is not pressing, and I have no other obligations to occupy myself with. I would be interested in staying on the station until your destiny reaches its logical conclusion."
"It seems you planned to stay regardless," Gaven observed.
Cheval pursed his lips. "I confess that it was my initial intention to remain for as long as you required me and to remain for a time even if it proved that you did not. I wanted to see you again. I felt compelled to see you."
"What was the tipping point?" Gaven asked.
"After you left my planet, I found myself in a persistent state of agitation and unrest. Eventually, I sought out clarity and guidance to ease and unburden myself. The Vulcan Elders concluded that there was unfinished business between us. Shal'el, my mother, encouraged me to come to you. She thought it would help to quiet my mind in light of the unexpected aftermath of our earlier encounters with each other. It was she who ensured I was included on the travel manifest." Cheval revealed.
"Your mother is a wise woman." He remarked. "Really. I'm glad you've come."
For several minutes neither men spoke, though the much younger Cheval watched Gaven intently.
"You are tired and unwell. I should leave you for the evening." Cheval said at length.
"Hm?" Gaven had allowed his mind to wonder for longer than he'd intended because he was indeed fatigued and unwell but mostly because he'd been thinking on Cheval's impressions. "No. I mean, I am tired, and I will retire soon. But I would like you to stay a bit longer if it satisfies you to do so."
"You…You are in want of my company?" Cheval asked in a manner that suggested a surprising undertone of youthful disarm.
"Yes. I am in want of your company for now. That and I was thinking about what you said earlier. About how you wished to unburden yourself. I know you've told me that I've affected you and because you are a Vulcan, I know you have been bred to be less forthcoming with your feelings. I would greatly like to understand you better. Would you be willing to share your thoughts and impressions with me again?" Gaven asked tentatively.
Cheval's steady gaze that always hinted at mild despondency widened as he considered the implications of Gaven's request.
"You are asking to touch my impressions and share your own. Do you think that is well advised?" Cheval inquired.
"If you wish I could withhold myself and allow only for what you wish to share with me." Gaven was steady enough in his abilities to influence the mind-meld and resist aspects of it now that he'd experienced it before.
"No. I have no desire to keep anything from you or to have you withhold anything from me." Cheval reassured him quickly.
"Then shall we?" Gaven gently urged shifting slightly upon the sofa to clear space for Cheval to sit beside him comfortably.
Cheval pressed his lips but ultimately did remove himself from his chair and with only the briefest of hesitation join Gaven upon the sofa.
Adjusting themselves briefly so that they were both comfortable enough to accomplish their ends, Cheval placed his fingers upon Gaven's face in the traditional form while Gaven gently gripped his other wrist so that he could connect in his own way.
"I open my mind to you. What I have known; you will know." Cheval's spoke.
Gaven's grip tightened ever so slightly upon Cheval's wrist as they open themselves to each other.
In moments Cheval was made aware of all that had happened since the last time they had been together. Much of it not much more comforting than what he had discovered the first time. New scarring experiences had been had. Cheval saw how Gaven had been tortured for information after he'd been taken from Vulcan under false pretenses. He felt the seemingly endless emotional conflict Gaven had known within himself since coming to Deep Space Nine. He experienced the deep grief Gaven still harbored over the loss of his Bondmate on Oum and his struggle to reconcile his need for interpersonal discourse against his overwhelming desire to remain ever apart.
In turn, Gaven saw and felt directly how the strength of his original feelings and memories had affected and disrupted Cheval's life. He saw how difficult it had been for the Vulcan to purge himself of the emotions that were not his own and how his actual feelings were forced more candidly to the surface in ways that were traditionally unbecoming of a Vulcan. Gaven felt how isolated Cheval felt and how often he hid away from his people to conceal the depth of his sensitivity. He saw how others of Cheval's race treated him and rebuked him for his unchecked emotionality which though subtle by most people's standards were an eyesore to other Vulcan's around him. He touched Cheval's loneliness as well as his strength.
A few minutes later they broke their link, and when Cheval opened his eyes he looked upon Gaven with a better understanding, he saw that Gaven's own eyes were still closed.
"Doctor Ore. You may release me now." Cheval placed his hand atop where Gaven was still holding onto his wrist, but he didn't pull Gaven's hand away.
Hearing Cheval's urging, Gaven opened his eyes revealing the strain of unshed tears.
"I'm sorry." He said in a hushed, breathy manner.
"You should not be," Cheval told him. "We have both experienced much. Because of you, I understand the conventions of some emotions much better than I might have. I do not regret our contact then nor our contact now. Nor should you."
"Thank you." Gaven earnestly said before he pulled out of Cheval's grasp and stood to move a few feet away from him towards his alter table.
"I noticed you have not been purging your feelings as the Oum are trained to do," Cheval remarked.
"No. I find myself preferring to immerse myself as much as possible in my feelings as of late." Gaven confirmed.
"May I make an observation? From what you have shared with me it would appear that you are conflicted about the concepts of life and death." Cheval said.
Gaven did not immediately comment and instead turned back around to face Cheval with an expression that gave the Vulcan leave for going on.
"On Oum, you were determined to live. Defiantly so." He continued.
"Yes," Gaven confirmed at length. "Lopel's death was a tragic accident. He never believed in the traditional notion that the bonded should be tied to their counters in death as they were in life. I promised him that if anything ever happened that I would resist the cultural practice. It was a subject that we both agreed upon and that I honored."
"And yet, you willingly went through with Vell-Par. It was you who proposed that you be placed within the death capsule and launched into orbit around the planet. Had you remained in that state much longer you surely would have died which was what the Oum believed to be your intention." Cheval pointed out.
"The ritual of Vell-Par. The honorable death. Yes. I took that path. Defiant as I was, I could not deny that my resistance was causing confusion and unrest among my people. It was for the love of my kind that I found myself compelled to offer forth some resolution that all could live with." Gaven explained.
"But you did not ultimately honor the ritual of Vell-Par and instead used your extrasensory abilities to call out through space." Cheval pointed out.
"Yes. Where in you and your people rescued me. What of it?" Gaven was waiting calmly for Cheval to get to his point.
"You fought through all of that and what came afterward to live. Yet now that you have succeeded you seem reluctant to go on. You speak freely of your death as if it is certain when it is not. You resist the notion of using the capsule remnants as a temporary way of receiving poly radiation exposure that would strengthen you and help you prolong your quality of life and lifespan. Considering these facts and behaviors…" Cheval was about to go on, but Gaven held up his hand.
"If you're suggesting that I'm sabotaging myself…" Gaven began.
"I am observing that you perhaps are unsure if you want to live or die and I am giving you my reasoning behind the observation." Cheval corrected him.
"I see. You should go for now. I'm tired." Gaven said for lack of any better response. "I'm sorry to have kept you as long as I have."
"As you wish, Doctor Ore. It was not my intention to offend." Cheval immediately stood and began to walk towards the door in a manner that seemed almost uncertain.
"May I say, Doctor; that speaking as your…Friend, I would not enjoy seeing any harm befall you. Goodnight." At that Cheval left Gaven to his thoughts which he suspected would be fitful and unsatisfactory.
