Part 1
2 months after Meredith's death | Andrew's point of view
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"Today would have been our 2-year anniversary. If we were back together..." – 14. February 2021
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Two months. Two months since the person I loved most died. She died. Without us ever having a chance to sort out the things that had gotten between us. Without telling her how much I still loved her.
Two months since my sister, Carina, found me in that room.
Because of the COVID-19 case surge there was no official funeral, but the hospital set up a room for us to say goodbye, because she was loved here. And one last time they wanted to give that love to her. And so, they bended the protocol as much as possible during these times to make it possible. For her and for them.
Carina found me in that room, sitting on the floor. I was just staring at the wall in front of me. I still remember that day and I'm sure I will never forget it. The last time I saw her.
Carina was the one who dragged me out of there into the nearest on-call room, I didn't want to go. I didn't want to leave her, but I went along with my sister, too paralyzed with what had happened.
I was so mad at Carina afterwards, for making me leave, but I start to see now that she only did the right thing. That she only tried to help me.
I had gotten quiet since then, I went back to the hospital, I worked, but I wasn't myself anymore. I didn't know how to grieve her.
Everyone was trying their best at work. After all they all loved her, and it was hard on everyone. But trying seemed like it wasn't enough, wherever I went, she was there. It started with the name of the hospital, or her patients I had to take over, or when the memories of the moments we spent together started to invade my thoughts. I couldn't take the elevator the first month; I always took the stairs when it was possible. I didn't go to the hospital rooftop anymore, like I used to do before. This place will never be the same again without her. And I tried to avoid the scan room on the second floor where I told her how I felt for the first time. She was everywhere. I loved it and I hated it.
The COVID-19 Pandemic was still going on and I was needed at the hospital. I couldn't take off a few days. No one could. And so, I was working.
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In the evening
"Andrea?" I heard my sister banging on my apartment door.
Carina had started to check in on me a few weeks ago and she didn't let me push her away. I stood up, closed the little notebook I was writing in, looked at the picture I had laid inside with my thoughts before I put both away in a little box and then in my bookshelf and went over to the door to let her inside.
"Andrea, open!"
"I'm already here!" I greeted my sister annoyed. I closed the door behind her and walked back to my room.
Carina was the only one who knew how hard her death had hit me. We weren't together when she died. I had broken up with her some time before that because I couldn't see that she only wanted to help me when my symptoms started. I had pushed her away. And now I would do anything to just have one more moment with her. I hated myself for that.
I blamed her for leaving too soon, for leaving without giving me a chance to talk to her again and I hated everyone at the hospital for ignoring my pain.
I knew I wasn't fair. Everyone in this hospital was close to her, those people loved her, and they were suffering, too. It wasn't just me. But somehow, I felt like I wasn't allowed to feel like this, to be in so much pain. We weren't together when she died. We weren't together for quite some time. And still she was the person I loved most.
And Carina was the only one who saw right through me, who knew that I was only passing the hours at the hospital because I had to, that I was only surviving, but I wasn't living anymore.
"Are you sleeping?" I heard Carina who was standing in the doorframe to my bedroom.
I chose to not answer. I wasn't sleeping and I wouldn't be able to sleep. Whenever I closed my eyes, she was there. I was thankful for it in the beginning because it gave me a place to be with her, but the realization when I woke up and she wasn't there hurt too much; knowing that I would never be able to see her again. So, I stopped. I stopped sleeping and avoided it as long as I could. And given my history, I knew that I shouldn't do that. And I knew that Carina wouldn't like to hear that.
"I know you're hurting." She started softly, trying to bring me to open up to her.
"I don't want to talk."
"But you need to start talking at some point. You barely talk outside of work. You can't even say her name. You –" I felt the tears forming in my eyes, but I tried to keep them inside. I could hear her pleading tone, I knew she was worried, but... I couldn't.
"I already have a therapist, thanks." I cut her off.
"Yes, and I guess you haven't talked to her either! Andrea, please?"
"I – I can't, okay? I can't because it hurts too much." I almost yelled, before I started to cry, the tears falling out of my eyes; the realization hitting me once again.
I felt Carina sitting down beside me on the bed, getting rid of her shoes, before she lied down there.
"What are you doing?" I asked confused, not sure what to make of it.
"I'm staying here tonight. And if you don't want to talk, at least get some sleep."
"I'm not a child anymore." I didn't like the commanding undertone she had, even though she was probably right.
"I know, but you're still my brother. And I'm not leaving. Let me help you." She added the last part a little softer.
I didn't answer, but I didn't protest either. I got up and went to the bathroom, getting ready for the night, before I laid down on what used to be Mere – her side. My back towards Carina, my gaze towards the wall in front of me. I didn't want to talk. I didn't want to sleep. I couldn't sleep.
I kept staring at the wall in front of me, letting my thoughts go through my mind. I knew Carina was still there, waiting for me to talk or hoping that I would talk to her; but how? I didn't know where to start. I didn't know what to say. I didn't know what to do anymore.
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"I'm mad at her. And I'm mad at me for being mad at her." I started slowly, breaking the silence, still facing away from my sister.
"Why?"
"We weren't together when... I –" I took a deep breath "I just feel like I have never been a part of her life. She's gone. And I have nothing left from her."
I stopped for a moment.
"I'm mad at her for dying when we weren't together. I'm mad that I didn't get a chance to tell her how I feel. I don't even know if we would have gotten a second chance. Or if she was already moving on."
I felt Carina's hand on my shoulder, making me turn around. I hadn't been able to keep the tears from falling out, I hated it when my sister saw me like that, but today it didn't matter, because the pain I felt was so much bigger.
"I'm so mad and at the same time I would do everything to just spend one more moment with her."
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"I miss you so much." – 14. February 2021
[I miss you, too.]
End of chapter 1
