Part 2
6 months (after Meredith's death)4 MONTHS (after the last chapter)
...
"I don't know how to make sense of everything. I don't even know if you want me to make sense of it. I wish I had more time with you to figure it out together." – 10. June 2021
...
I was at the hospital. Working. As I did the past 6 months. Because I didn't have anywhere to go to anymore. At least it felt like that. My apartment only gave me more time to think about Meredith, which only hurt me more the more time passed. And at work, when I had patients, it gave me a way to get away from my thoughts for some time. At least most of the time...
I was walking towards the nurses' station, where I saw Hayes, Maggie, Jo and some other doctors, when I remembered that today would be a small goodbye party for Hayes. It wasn't really a party. It was just people saying goodbye. But for some reason this made me feel uncomfortable.
"I tried to start over here, but when Meredith died... it brought back a lot of memories. I think it's best for me to go back." I heard Hayes explaining his decision to go back to Switzerland.
"We understand. We all loved her." Maggie answered as I was already on my way away from there. I didn't know where I was going, but I just wanted to be far away.
I knew I shouldn't be jealous of Hayes. I wasn't jealous of Hayes. I knew this wasn't my problem. What bothered me was that everyone seemed to accept his grief without any questions.
Was Meredith already moving on without me? Was this why no one acknowledged my pain?
I thought I was past this, but I couldn't help myself.
Just as I thought I was finally alone in an on-call room, the door behind me swung open again. I really just needed a moment to be alone. Without anyone wanting anything. I just needed a moment with my thoughts.
"Are you okay?" It was Maggie, standing in the doorway, looking at me. She probably followed me when she noticed that I walked away from that conversation.
"I will be." I wasn't okay, but I tried.
"Okay, you're clearly not okay." She was stepping inside letting the door close behind her.
"I- How are the kids?" I tried to change the subject.
"They're... okay. Zola started to go to therapy because she had trouble sleeping. Bailey and Ellis... They all miss their mom."
I looked up at the ceiling trying to avoid Maggie's gaze. These kids have lost so much, and here I was drowning in my own grief. I felt like I had failed.
It was silent for some moments, before Maggie spoke again.
"Why did you never come to see them?"
"There was... is a pandemic." I tried to reason, knowing it was just an excuse.
"You asked about them every week since Meredith died."
I knew if I had really tried, we would have found a way. But I couldn't. Maggie just kept looking at me, letting the words hang in the air, forcing me to say more.
"I- I don't know if Meredith would want me to be with them." I added lower, insecure. I hated it. I wanted to believe in what Meredith and I had. Why did I have to destroy the good memories I had with her?
"Why?" Maggie seemed surprised.
"I don't- I don't know what she wanted me to be in her life. If she wanted me to be in her life. I –" When did I become so insecure? But it was the truth. I didn't know if she still wanted me to be in her life. And I wasn't sure if I had the right to see her children. After all we weren't together, and we never got a chance to talk about us. If there even was an 'us'.
"You still loved her, right?" It was a question, but it sounded more like a statement from her side.
"I loved her. But... she was so much more to me."
"I'm sorry."
I stayed silent for some time, before I spoke again.
"I'm sorry, too. She was your sister." I wasn't the only one who lost her, but sometimes I got lost in my own grief.
Maggie nodded thankfully and we kept standing there for another moment, in silence.
"I miss her, too. Every minute." Maggie started, looking up at me with a sad smile "You should come over. I'm sure the kids would like a familiar face around them." She changed the subject, going towards the door to leave. Before she went outside, she turned around again "I can't tell you how things were between you, but I know she wouldn't have told the kids about you if she didn't want you around them. You were a part of her life."
And then she left, leaving me in that room with my thoughts.
...
When I came back home that evening, I sat down at my desk and started to write in my notebook. It helped me cope with my thoughts and feelings.
...
"Maggie told me to visit the kids today. I miss them a lot. They are so strong. Maybe I should have gone sooner to see them... But maybe they don't want me to be there. Maybe you don't want me to be there with them... I just wish I knew what to do... I think I will try to see them soon. I just hope this is what you would want, too." – 10. June 2021
[I would want you to be with them]
End of chapter 2
Thank you for reading!
And if you have any questions about the storyline you can always ask me :)
