Part 6
1 year and 10 months (1 MONTH LATER)
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"I'm not sure I can ever feel that again. I don't know if I want to feel that again." – 19. October 2022
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I couldn't love again. I was certain of that. Not in the way I loved Meredith. I would never be able to feel that again. And I didn't want to.
Ever since that night Emma told me that she loved me – she didn't really tell me – but ever since I heard those words I couldn't stop thinking about Meredith.
How did she love again?
I went through all the moments we had spent together over and over again. I wasn't sure I could ever love someone like that again. I fell in love with everything about her. Her smile, her laugh. With every kiss and touch we shared.
I couldn't imagine feeling that again. How could Meredith feel that again? Did she even feel that? Did she even love me?
Maybe she wanted it to be love but it wasn't possible?
Maybe that's why she didn't tell me that she loved me all the time back when I wanted to talk to her after her trial. Maybe that's why all our problems started; because she realized that she could never love me like she loved before. Because she realized that what she thought was love wasn't love. Because it wasn't possible.
But it felt so real to me. To me... Maybe that's what it was... Maybe just I felt like this?
I hated how that thought made me feel. I was confused.
...
It was Thursday. And on Thursdays my sister always came over to have dinner with me. She started that sometime after Meredith had died, because she didn't want me to be alone and we never changed it since.
We were both in the kitchen preparing pasta – And you really didn't need two Italians to prepare pasta – but I enjoyed it. Usually.
"Are you okay? You seem to be somewhere else these past few days?" Carina looked at me a bit worried, when she noticed that I looked for the plates the third time even though I had already put them on the table.
"I'm okay." I answered while trying to focus on my new task at hand. Making the salad.
"Andrea?" I should have known that my sister was persistent, that she wouldn't let me get away with this so easily.
"Carina, please!"
I looked at her hoping that for once she could just let it be. But when I mixed up the ingredients the second time, I knew she wouldn't and maybe she was right to not ignore it.
"Okay, stop! Andrea, what's going on?"
"I just- I need a minute." And with that I left the kitchen and went to my room, closing the door behind me. I stared at the door while taking a deep breath, before I let myself slide down the wall, sitting on the floor.
How could I make my thoughts stop? Why did my mind start to question everything that was good in my life?
And how was I supposed to tell my sister that I was still crying over my ex-girlfriend, because I wasn't sure she ever really loved me...
"Andrea? What's wrong?" I heard my sister knock on my door. I knew she would follow me; I knew running away wasn't really an option here, but I needed a moment.
I took another deep breath before I reached up opening the door, while I moved a little to the side, so I wasn't blocking the door anymore.
"I don't want to talk." I said even before Carina could come in.
"You're not okay." I heard my sister more worried than before. She even sounded a bit scared, when she saw me sitting on the floor with my back against the wall.
"No. I'm not. But I just really don't want to talk about it."
She was staring at me for a moment, probably deciding whether she would give me the space I asked for and not push me to tell her or insist on what was going on.
"Okay." She said, giving me a small smile, before she went back to the kitchen, only to come back a moment later with two plates with pasta.
"What are you doing?" I asked her confused.
"We are still having dinner." She sat down beside me, handing me one of the plates.
.
"So, tell me about the kids if you don't want to talk about Meredith." She started after some time.
"You don't even know what I don't want to talk about." How could she know what this was about when I didn't even tell her what it was about?
"There is only one person who meant this much to you, Andrea." Was it this obvious?
"Fine. But it's hard to talk about her kids without thinking about her."
"Yes, but I know that whatever is going on, you love those kids, and you would never miss an opportunity to talk about them."
She was right. I loved them more than anything. Maybe because they were a part of Meredith. Or maybe because they were just really, really adorable and I loved them a lot. It probably was a mix of both. But either way, I love them, and I love talking about them. And Carina knew that.
"You're a really good sister."
And then I told her about my last visit when I went to the park with the kids.
.
After some time, after we finished our dinner, Carina brought our plates back to the kitchen, and then came back to my room. I haven't had dinner on the floor in a long time, but maybe that's what I needed today. Someone who didn't judge me and just went along with it. Carina and I have our moments – after all we're siblings – but when I need her, she is always there for me.
"Do you want to tell me what's bothering you, now?" She sat down beside me again.
"I might have met someone..." I started hesitantly. I wasn't sure I wanted to talk about it, but I knew that bottling everything up didn't work for me either. I have never been good at it.
"That's not a secret." She gave me a small smile, a slight teasing undertone in her voice "I do work at the same hospital."
I was looking at her confused, shaking my head slightly.
"And you didn't say anything, yet. I'm surprised." I had to laugh a little, before I turned more thoughtful again. "I don't think I can ever love someone again..."
Carina was looking at me for a moment. I wasn't sure if I liked that look. I didn't want her pity. I just wanted – I wanted answers. Answers I would probably never get.
"What did Meredith do with you that you love her this much?"
"You really want to know?" I was slightly surprised at her question.
"Yes."
"She was – she was a brilliant surgeon, I always loved to work with her, but... she was so much more than this to me." I started slowly "I loved to see her as a mother. When she was at home with her kids, or when she burnt water while trying to make dinner for them..." I chuckled slightly at the memories "I always loved to see her with her kids. I loved to just look at her. She hated it." I smiled remembering those moments "I loved the incredible woman she was... She was always there for me, she cared so much. And even when it scared her, she would show up for me... I- I loved her. Her smile. Her laugh... I miss talking to her in the evening..." I stopped for a moment.
"Oh, don't tell me you were just talking." Carina interfered, teasing me.
"We weren't... And I loved those moments, too." I gave her a smile "But I still loved talking to her. She – she made me open up to her... About our dad, about my illness... She made me feel safe to talk about these things. I felt safe, I felt home and I just fell in love with her and her family." I ended with a sad smile, thinking about the time I got to spend with her.
But maybe this was just my view. Maybe Meredith didn't love me.
And that thought hurt.
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"Did you ever love me, Mer?" – 16. November 2022
[It was terrifying and it seemed impossible, but I love you.]
End of chapter 6
I feel kinda bad for making Andrew go through this... I'm sorry!
