Part 11


Almost 2 years (NEXT DAY)

...

"Today, two years ago, you were still alive. And then... everything changed." – 11. December 2022

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I was at work and just went to check in on my last patient for the day. A 52-year-old man in the intensive care unit, who still hasn't woken up after a difficult and long surgery. There wasn't much we could do right now, except for waiting for him to get better.

I hoped he would make it. I hoped his family would get a chance to see him again.

Once I made sure that his stats where still okay, and left his room, carefully closing the door, I was on my way to the attending's lounge. I was somewhere between still thinking about my patient and hoping he would get better, and finally wanting to go home, knowing that I had the next day off – on Meredith's second death day – when I walked past 'that' room. The room where Meredith died.

I still remembered how I couldn't treat patients in there for the first few months, because it always brought back so many memories, that I couldn't control in these moments. It had gotten better. The memories still came up, but I have learned to manage them better. At least a bit.

.

In the beginning I couldn't remember much from the days after Meredith got worse and then died. It was all just a blur. But after some time, more and more memories started to come back, and with every memory that came back, it just hurt even more.

The hardest moments were to remember seeing Meredith getting worse and worse. The first time she went V-tach, when her heart started to beat in an arrythmic rythm, because her lungs were very weak and they put an extra strain on her heart in order to keep her body oxygenated, I tried to keep all my emotions together, in order to be her doctor, to be there for her and help her in the best way possible.

But she didn't get better.

Dr. Altmann had arrived shortly after I had gotten to Meredith's room, when I got the Emergency call. Her heart went back to a normal rhythm. For that moment at least.

But from that moment on she only got worse. She went into V-tach more often , and it got harder every time to bring her back to a normal heart rate.

I tried to be her doctor, to leave my feelings aside; to see Meredith as my patient. And for that time the I tried to put Meredith, the person I loved, somewhere deep back inside my mind, because otherwise I wasn't sure if I could keep a clear mind any longer. But when Dr. Altmann left the room after we could keep Meredith alive for another moment and I still saw her laying in the bed in front of me. In that moment I let myself be the person who loved her. Just for a minute.

I took her hand in mine, letting my hand graze over the back of hers, whispering to her. "Please stay with me, Mer."

I stayed with her for a moment longer, before I tried to put everything into the back of mind again.

I went outside her room, going to an on-call room to have some minutes for myself and only then I let myself feel everything, not able to push my thoughts away any longer. I closed the door behind me, letting myself slide down the wall to the floor, letting the tears fall out. The tears I was holding back the past few days and weeks.

And then all the images I wish I never had to see were invading my thoughts. The image of Meredith going into V-tach, noticing that it was progressively lasting longer every time. It was getting harder to get back every time. The image of Dr. Altmann shocking her with the defibrillator...

I couldn't take the images that were going through my mind anymore.

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I noticed the door opening next to me, bringing me out of my thoughts. I tried to wipe away the tears that were falling down, but it wasn't much use.

When I looked up I saw that it was Amelia. She closed the door again, sitting down beside me. From looking at her, I could see that she was also fighting against her tears. She was Meredith's sister and I knew how hard it was for her, too.

I felt her taking my hand, she didn't say anything and that was saying more than any words could. Nobody wanted to say it, but we were doctors, and even though we didn't want it to be true, somewhere deep down we knew that her lungs and heart couldn't take much more.

.

And then we got paged to Meredith's room for the last time, when she started coding.

In that moment I didn't know how few time was left for us together in this life. In that moment I didn't know that it would be the last time I saw the person I loved alive.

And all I wished now was that I had told her that I love her one more time.

.

I took a few deep breaths.

I miss her so much.

I looked at the room a moment longer, before I decided to leave. These were some of the hardest moments to remember for me. They still made me feel this overwhelming sadness, and it always took me some time to be able to control that feeling again, after I let myself dive into those memories.

...

I came home from the hospital and instead of watching the news or a movie like I often did to distract myself, I went to my couch with Meredith's notebook to read more in it.

The past few weeks had been a lot. The things I feel – or think that I feel – for Emma. All the doubts that I had and have. All the memories of Meredith coming up again. And the reminder that she is already gone for almost two years. All these feelings were exhausting.

But at the same time I somehow felt closer to Meredith than I have in a long time. Somehow she was still there for me. The thought was confusing, but comforting at the same time. But that's what I needed right now to get through this time of the year.

I carefully went through the next few pages of Meredith's journal until a word caught my attention. It was at the bottom of the page. Below an example of the next steps for her research. It was just one single word. And a question mark. A crossed-out question mark.

There were two dates beside it. One on the right side above the word. As she always did in this notebook. She didn't write in it every day, but I noticed that whenever she did write in it, she wrote the date on the right side.

But here was another date just below the crossed-out question mark. A few days later than the original date.

And I knew without a doubt, which day that second date below the crossed-out question mark was. It was the day she had told me she loved me. When she came to visit me in jail. I would never forget that day; to hear those words from her.

I kept staring at it for some time. I assumed that the original entry was from the day I had told her I loved her.

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I still had the moment in front of my eyes. When she came to me inside the small room at the end of the floor, after she had committed insurance fraud to help that little girl. And all I could think about was how much I loved her for the person she was. I loved how she made me feel. I loved the moments I spent with her. But I also loved that she always wanted to help and didn't look away. And I knew committing insurance fraud wasn't the right way, but in that moment, I was just in awe of her. I still am.

And when she was in that room with me, looking at me, I couldn't keep those words inside me anymore. Because I loved her. Every minute I spent with her she amazed me even more.

I could see how much it scared her in her eyes, when I told her those words. When she tried to stay but couldn't and walked away. I would lie if I said it didn't hurt me to see her walk away, when I saw the tears that were forming in her eyes, but I waited for her. I would always wait for her.

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She was scared, but she decided to give love a chance. She had crossed out the question mark.

A small smile appeared on my lips, while I tried to keep my own tears from falling out at the same time.

I turned over the page when I saw another entry from the second date. The day she had told me she loved me.

The day I heard those words from her for the first time.

"As stupid as this was, and as much as this terrifies me, I love you, too."

I felt a few tears, that had been forming in my eyes, fall out. I closed the book for a moment holding it with both of my hands. The realization that I would never hear those words again was harder than I imagined after all this time.

But at the same time, it was so good to read them, to know that she wrote them; that this was how she felt.

"I love you, too" I whispered into the room.

I kept sitting there for some time, looking at the book for another moment, letting my thumb graze over it, before I closed my eyes, letting myself get lost in my thoughts.

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How did I end up doubting her love for me?

She loved me.

Somewhere deep down I had known that. But I just couldn't explain how I would ever be able to feel that for another person. And, so, I asked myself how Meredith could feel that for me again.

But... She loved me.

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I stayed on my couch for a couple more minutes, thinking about Meredith and how lucky I was that she had given me her love. How happy it made me to feel that love for her, To share those moments with her.

I loved her a lot and I missed her just as much.

...

"Losing you was the hardest moment in my life... But loving you was the best feeling I have ever had, Mer." – 11. December 2022

[Receiving your love was the best thing that happened to me.]


End of chapter 11


Thank you to merlucastan (on Wattpad) for helping me with the medical side in this chapter! :)

And THANK YOU for reading this story!