Part 17
2 years and 8 months after Meredith's death
...
"I will visit the kids again today. I love them so much. They became one of the most important parts of my life. They miss you a lot. But we all try to look forward together. And I know you would want that for us." – 20. August 2023
...
I had spent the whole day with the kids; first at the park, then eating ice cream and afterwards playing in the backyard.
Before I met Meredith's kids I had never imagined that spending time with them would give me so much joy. That just observing them, trying to eat their ice cream fast enough before it's melted completely or seeing them discuss whether chocolate chip or strawberry is the best ice cream, made me happy. All the small moments made me feel so much joy. Of course, I always liked kids, I loved all my cousins and I came from a big family, but spending all this time with Meredith's kids was something special. These were moments that I wanted to remember forever.
I was just about to say goodbye to all of them, including Maggie and Amelia, who had joined us with Scout to play in the backyard when the kids stopped me.
"Can you stay today?" I heard Ellis asking a little shy, before Zola added "We want to have a movie night. A real movie night. Like the one time where mommy was still here, and we all fell asleep on the couch. Do you remember?"
"Of course, I remember." I answered giving them a small smile. It was one of my favorite memories. At that time Meredith had only introduced me to them. We had only gotten to know each other a little. And that one evening Meredith invited me to watch a film with them and in the end we had fallen asleep on the couch. Meredith, her kids and I. And that feeling of being around her family was one of the best feelings I have ever felt.
I looked up at Maggie and Amelia wanting to make sure that this would be okay with them.
"You're always welcome here, Andrew. And you know that." Amelia answered, assuring me that I could stay.
"Then we will have a movie night today." I turned towards the kids, seeing how their faces lit up, smiles forming on their lips.
...
After they convinced me to stay I went inside trying to focus on preparing something for dinner. But that was harder than I imagined. It made me so happy to know that they wanted me to be here with them. And at the same time it made me miss Meredith even more. She was supposed to be here with them. To have that movie night with them.
I took a few deep breaths before I finally started to prepare dinner.
...
"You should bring Emma at some point." Amelia had joined me in the kitchen, surprising me with her question.
"What?" I asked her trying to get some time to think, not completely sure where she was coming from. And not sure what to answer.
"You heard me, Andrew." She gave me her you-know-what-I-mean look, before it turned into an encouraging smile.
"I don't want to force anyone on them." I stopped for a moment with what I was doing, looking up at her.
The truth was, I had thought about it before. But after everything they have been through, I didn't want to interrupt the relationship I have built with them. And even more important, I didn't want to just put someone else in their lives.
"But you are a big part of the kids' lives now. You can't hide Emma from them forever." Amelia added with a small smile.
"Is Emma your girlfriend?" I heard Ellis behind Amelia, asking shyly who we were talking about, looking at me with big eyes, followed by her two siblings.
We both hadn't noticed them coming inside.
I looked up at Amelia who seemed just as surprised as I was, while I felt slight panic coming up inside me, not sure what to answer her, before I went over to Ellis, Zola and Bailey.
"She is." I answered softly, hoping I didn't say the wrong thing. But if they deserved one thing it was honesty.
"Do you love her?" She asked me curiously mixed with something else.
"Yes, I do." I answered slowly.
"Do you not love our mommy anymore?" Zola looked at me questioningly with something like sadness in her eyes.
"Oh, Zola" I sighed, feeling my heart get heavy. "I will always love your mom. That will never change." I tried to not let the tears that were forming in my eyes fall out, while seeing them looking at me.
"How can you love someone else?" Ellis asked me again.
"You love all your aunties, right?" I tried to find a way to explain this to them "And you love your mommy and daddy... And your siblings, right? You can love more than one person, and no love is better than the other... they are just different."
"Like Mommy loved daddy and you?" Zola started again.
"Yes, like that." I gave her a small smile.
"Can we meet her?" Zola asked curiously.
"Only if you want to."
"I think I do." She answered.
"Okay, then we will do that. But not today. Today we will have our movie night if you still want me to stay."
"Yes!" They exclaimed. And I would never get tired of their excitement about these small things, like watching a movie together.
...
A few hours later we were watching the first movie for the night. Amelia, Maggie the kids and I. We had expanded the couch a little, by laying two mattresses in front of it – together with a lot of blankets – so everyone could sit or lie comfortably. I had made myself comfortable on the couch but somehow ended up on the mattresses with Zola, Bailey and Ellis in the end and I would never want to complain about that.
The first movie was just about to end, and the kids were already discussing which one they wanted to watch next, when I noticed Amelia and Maggie getting up from the couch behind us.
"You won't accompany us for the next movie?" I asked them, turning around to face them.
"Scout is already asleep and I think I already know all the dialogues by heart." Amelia added laughing a little, before she turned a bit more serious again "This is your movie night, goodnight." And then they left, after giving me a small smile.
The kids had already chosen the next movie and gave me to notice that I should stop talking and focus on the movie. I had to chuckle a little. It made me happy to see them so excited about a movie they have already seen a thousand times.
The next two hours we watched the movie, Ellis already lying next to me, trying her best to stay awake and not fall asleep during the movie. And Bailey and Zola lying down next to us as well after the movie finished, but still passionately talking about it. And all I could do was smiling at their conversation, smiling at this situation. I loved these kids more than I had ever imagined was possible.
They slowly got quieter once I turned out the light and I was almost sure they were about to fall asleep when I heard Zola whisper.
"Do you miss our mommy?" Zola rolled over so she could face me.
"I miss her a lot." I answered softly.
"Sometimes I miss her so much that I can't fall asleep." I heard Zola even quieter than before. And even though I knew what that felt like, I couldn't imagine what they have been through already; losing both their parents.
"Me too." I heard Bailey and Ellis, who I thought had already been asleep, whispering quietly.
"You know..." I started slowly, stopping for a moment before I continued softly "sometimes, when I miss your mommy a lot, I start talking to her."
"How?" Zola asked.
"Your mommy always told you that your dad is still with you, right? And you asked me once if your mommy is also still with us. She might not be here anymore. But she will always be with you. Sometimes I look at the sky and think that she is somewhere out there with all the stars. And then I start talking to her. It helps me and maybe it helps you too." I told them quietly what helped me when I missed Meredith that much.
"You want to try it?" I asked them carefully.
"But what if I say something wrong?" Zola asked again.
"You can't say something wrong. Your mommy will always love you no matter what you tell her. You can just tell her that you miss her, or what you did today or anything else. She will always love you." I assured her that she didn't need to worry about saying something wrong.
"Can I talk to her, too?" I heard Bailey behind Zola.
"Of course, you can. Do you want me to start?"
"Mhm."
I looked at all the kids, before I looked outside the window at the stars at the sky and then started to speak slowly "I miss you so much, Mer. Your kids too. Today we had a movie night. We actually spent the whole day together and had a lot of fun in the park earlier. Your kids are so amazing they always make me happy and I'm glad to be able to be here with them. They are the best gift that happened to me." I look at all the kids and give them a big smile, and even though the light is out, the moon is shining bright enough for me to see the smiles on Zola's and Bailey's faces too. And Ellis, who is lying in my embrace, is turning around a little to look up at me with a smile as well. "And I think today they want to talk to you, too." I added after a moment.
"Mommy? I hope you can hear me." Zola was the first who started to talk to her mom. "I miss you. And sometimes I miss you so much that I can't sleep. But today Andrew is staying with us. And we are having a big sleepover party in the living room, which is a lot of fun. I hope you're also happy. Can you tell daddy that I miss him, too? I love you, mommy and daddy."
[Of course, Zozo. He misses you too. And I love you so much.]
Once Zola finished Bailey started to speak slowly, a bit hesitantly in the beginning, not sure what to say. "Hello mommy... I... I miss you too..." I looked at him giving him a smile, hoping that it would encourage him to say more if he wanted to "We played soccer in the park today. I am also in a soccer team now... And we had a competition last week where I made 2 goals and then we won. I like playing soccer. I love you too mommy and daddy."
[I'm so proud of you, Bailey. I love you.]
"Do you also want to say something Ellis?" I asked her carefully not sure if she was still awake, since she was already about to fall asleep for quite some time.
"Yes." I heard her sleepy voice, turning herself a little, before she started to speak. "I love you. I'm so tired but I wanted to talk to you because I miss you. Goodnight, mommy."
[Goodnight Ellie-Bellie. I love you too.]
"Goodnight, Mer." I added with a small smile.
[Thank you, Andrew. Thank you for being there for them.]
"Thank you, Andrew." I heard Zola whisper before they were finally able to fall asleep.
...
"I promise you to do my best to always take care of them. I know Amelia and Maggie will never let any harm get to them. But I think they want me to be in their lives just as much as I want to be in theirs. Thank you, Mer, for introducing me to them and letting me be a part of your family." – 20. August 2023
[You're amazing with them. I couldn't have imagined a better role-model for them.]
End of chapter 17
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