3.1
Aisha was amused.
In the end, they'd been forced to retreat. Being forced into an eight versus all the damn heroes Brockton Bay had on hand would make you do that. At least they'd managed to blast all the heroes at least once first,especially Aegis. They might not have, without her expert help, but luckily for them, she'd been there. Any transformations on the Dastardly Techies side were simply mistaken friendly fire, of course, and not her fault at all. Nope.
"Damn, I'm hot." Regent said, undoing the top five buttons of his- her shirt. "And by hot, I mean sexy."
"Yes, thank you, we got that, Regent." The Dark Lord Plagg said grouchily, his cape wrapped tight around his body, concealing. His sexy female costume looked rather ridiculous on his temporary male body.
"Blast! THE TECHNO KING has been outsmarted by his own genius!"
"You know you don't have to completely switch pronouns, your majesty." Tattletale said with his new deep voice.
He then picked up one of the Gender Switch-Inators, and then casually shot Aisha. She let go of her power, squawking.
"Haha, take that, you bitch! Think I wouldn't notice how you shot every single one of your teammates!?" Tattletale demanded.
Aisha looked down at his body with disbelief, and then started cracking up.
"I'm b-buff, j-just like big bro!" He gasped out between bouts of laughter.
The big bro in question was sulkily sitting in a complete dome of darkness, refusing to show herself at all.
Bitch was still wondering what the big deal was. In other news, he'd also been wearing a tartan skirt when he'd been shot, so there was that odd image. Also, he looked way better looking as a dude, just saying.
Jailbird was blushing ferociously, but besides the high heels his costume still fit him, even if it made him look like a man whore.
"Such treachery!" The Techno King pointed an accusing finger at Aisha. Was there a male equivalent name for Aisha? He had no idea. What, don't look at him like that, he wasn't a scholar, damn it.
"High five, Imp!" Regent held out a right hand. That right hand got slapped the hardest it had ever been slapped.
"I wonder how the heroes are reacting to their transformations." Jailbird mumbled, surprised at his deep baritone. It would be a very nice singing voice.
"Damn I'm hot, and by hot, I mean sexy."
"Shut up, Clockblocker." Gallant said reprovingly.
"We have to do something about this."
"Right you are, Armsmistress."
"Shut up, Clockblocker." Aegis said, annoyed.
"We'll have to hunt down The Techno Queen. She's the only one I can think of who can undo the city wide transformation."
"Agreed, Mr. Militia."
"Clockblocker, I will murder you, I swear to god." Shadow Stalker said.
"That's Time of the Month, to you. My new cape name. You like?"
Shadow Stalker tackled Time of the Month with an enraged roar. It took three of his teammates to force him off of her.
3.2
After the mass Gender Switch Incident, as it was beginning to be called, the masses had quite swiftly decided that yes, The Techno Queen was a villain, a terrible, horrible, no good, evil villain. Except for a small group transsexuals who heartily disagreed, but whatevs.
The Techno Queen's Tinker and threat level were raised yet again, and the heroes of Brockton Bay waited, tense and ready for her next villainous scheme. And waited. And waited. For a week and a half, they waited, to no avail.
Where was she?
"ROAD TRIP!" Imp screamed, her upper body sticking out of the car's sun roof.
"Get down from there, Imp!" Grue said, pulling her down. Much to his displeasure, she fell into Regent's lap, and the two started snickering.
"Truly, the lengths I would go to further my own goals are both deplorable and disgusting. Just look at me! Me! A minor! Driving a car! I don't have a driver's license, nor am I old enough to have one, yet here I am, risking ours and other bystander's lives by driving illegally. I could kill us all! I'm a mad woman!"
"You built this car yourself, your majesty. I think you're more than equipped to drive it." Tattletale, sitting shotgun, said.
Behind them Jailbird was driving a second car, Bitch in the passenger seat and her three dogs in the back seat. They'd left The Dark Lady Plagg at home in her other identity, as her suddenly disappearing would have been too odd.
Then the car suddenly bumped and there was a loud thud sound.
"Wh-what was that? W-we didn't drive over a helpless little furry animal did we? Not that I'd care or anything, what with me being an evil super villain." The Techno Queen asked, suddenly very concerned.
"Let me check." Tattletale said and twisted around in her seat to see.
Just in time to see the car behind them that Jailbird was driving drive right over a… red… blur.
Burnscar. Head pulverized by tires. Revival impossible. Permanently dead. Slaughter House nearby. Flee.
She paled, sweat began to stand out on her brow.
"N-nope! Not at all, your majesty! Just a speed bump! Hey, speaking of which, let's drive faster, okay!? Like, a lot, lot faster! Maybe even as fast as this car can go!"
"But Tattletale, you know that I built in the function in these cars to be able to safely drive at the speed of light…"
"Then we should test them out, right!? Who's your trusted royal advisor!?"
"Point." The Techno Queen said. She'd been looking for an excuse anyways. She reached up to the com in her helmet and tapped in on Jailbird's channel.
"Jailbird, on three, I want you to press the big red button next to the windshield wiper, okay? One… two… three!" She grinned devilishly.
Jailbird's screams were just as high-pitched as she'd expected them to be.
"Hawaii!" Imp cheered, lying on a sunbed.
She and Regent clinked their margarita glasses together, and then Grue swooped by like a bat out of the darkness and grabbed Imp's glass, tossing the contents down onto the pure, white sand. He gave her glass full of nonalcoholic punch instead. She sulked, and Regent gloated at having a full alcoholic beverage.
"Indeed, my evil knows no bounds. I, THE TECHNO QUEEN, have illegally flown to Hawaii using my two flying cars I have built for me and my team, without using passports or any other very necessary legal channels. MWAHAHAHA!"
"Aren't you going to take off your cape, your majesty? It must be very hot for you." Tattletale said, while rubbing sun lotion on her legs. She had finally given in to wearing the Sexy Minion version of her costume, but only for the duration of the vacation. Skin tight spandex was surprisingly sweaty and hot.
Meanwhile, Jailbird was shyly flirting with the surfing instructor, who couldn't stop staring at her feathers. She wrongly assumed it was a guy thing.
Bitch was playing fetch with her dogs. She accidentally threw the thick, heavy stick a lot longer than she meant to, and she recognized that there wasn't a hope in hell for her dogs finding it. Shrugging, she picked up a different stick and resumed the game.
There was a strange distant sound and a few distant screams.
"What was that?" The Techno Queen wondered.
Stick landed perfectly in Cherish's, newest member of the Slaughter House Nine, right eye. Too early in the group for Bonesaw too have given her standard protection. Too much of the brain destroyed for revival. Cherish permanently dead. Slaughter House Nine outside of North America, hunting someone, someone who killed one of their members. Slaughter House Nine hunting us.
"You know, now that I think about it I kind of fucking hate the heat! Let's go somewhere new!"
"But Tattletale, we just got here."
"Who's your royal advisor!?"
"Point."
"The Alps!" Imp whooped, skidding to a halt at the bottom of the snowy hill.
And then Regent crashed into her from behind. They ended up getting tangled and they laughed uncontrollably as they tried and failed repeatedly to get back up to their feet. And then Grue snowboarded his way to their side, grabbed Imp underneath her arms, and foisted her to her feet easily, leaving Regent helplessly on the ground.
"Truly, I am diabolical, just letting my subordinate lay there helplessly on the ground as he flails pathetically-"
"Hey!"
"-for help."
"To be fair, he did put gum in your hair on the way here, forcing you to make a machine specifically for getting it out without harming your hair, your majesty."
Jailbird, some distance off, was flirting with the skiing instructor, somehow so awkwardly that it was kind of endearing. Bitch far away in the cottage they had rented out, lounging in front of the fire with her dogs.
Incidentally, Regent's earlier indignant shout set off an avalanche some way away. Luckily none were hurt except…
Tattletale perked up at what sounded like the last, final, dying roar of a mountain lion.
Crawler, her power whispered. Trapped permanently under tons of snow, his power keeping him alive forever. Slaugher House Nine still hunting us.
"God, is it just me or is it cold up here?"
"Well, it is the Alps, Tattletale."
"So you agree! Good! Now let's get the hell out of here!"
"Are you sure?"
"Who's your advisor?"
"If you says so."
"Safari!" Imp jubilated, peering through her binoculars.
"Look, Regent! I think I see a lion!"
Regent scooted over to Imp's side and leaned into her so that he could look through her binoculars which were hanging from her neck.
And then Grue pulled him away and graciously gave him his binoculars.
"Certainly, my soul must be black as sin for me to be polluting the air we humans need to breathe and live, driving this car through the safari-"
"Everyone drives cars, your majesty. It's hardly a crime." Tattletale said, peering through her binoculars, looking for any interesting animals.
Back in the car behind them, Jailbird was flirting with the tour guide. Bitch and her dogs were all in the truck bed, asleep in a big snoring heap, all four legs, both Homo sapiens and canine, occasionally kicking the air in sleep.
"Hey, is it just me, or is Jailbird flirting with everything that's got a dick within a five meter radius?" Regent said.
"Oh, she must be wanting some. Cupid time!" Imp squealed.
"No! Dear god, no Imp. We all remember what happened the last time you played Cupid." Grue said.
"They got married!"
"They, being a known local politician and a fountain statue."
"Which should only tell of my excellent matchmaking skills."
"No, Imp. Just… just no."
Tattletale gasped when she saw through her binoculars, some ways off, Mannequin. And then, when the lion Imp had earlier spotted tackled him. And then when three more lions tackled him…
Has stopped struggling. Dead. Tinker body, outside of Bonesaw's specialty, unable to revive. Permanently dead. Slaughter House Nine still on the hunt, somewhere close by. Run.
"Gosh, I just remembered that I hate the safari!"
Everyone in the group collectively groaned.
"France!" Imp celebrated, standing atop the highest floor on the Eifel Tower.
"Hey, taste this." Regent said, holding up a forkful of his chocolate cake to her face. Covering her lower face with her hand she lifted her mask slightly and opened her mouth. And then Grue appeared, taking Regent down with a throat punch. He took the fork and fed Imp, putting it down. Regent choked loudly and Imp laughed so hard she cried.
"I'm evil. I am evil. Evil to the bone."
"Well, it's certainly hard to argue with that statement, your majesty. Mostly because you didn't leave any room for it, but oh well." Tattletale granted.
Some way off Jailbird was glaring at the nervously sweating tour guide, wishing that it wasn't a woman so that she could flirt with it. Bitch could not possibly look more bored.
Bitch walked to the railing and looked down. Absentmindedly, she dropped a quarter. It dropped out of her sight and she sighed, turning around. Tattletale out a coin inside one of those binocular thingies and saw it ping off the edge of a table, roll across the sidewalk, get kicked by a random passerby, and fall into an open engine which a man with some sawn tattoos was fixing. And then the car exploded, killing the swan tattoo man. Out of the corner of the binoculars vision, Tattletale saw someone that had been concealed by a trench coat, hat, and newspaper fall vanish into the thin air, the things the person had been wearing and carrying falling to the ground.
Projection, Siberian, permanently dead. Slaughter House Nine still on the chase. Run.
"Ugh, I can't bear to spend time in this land, what with it betraying the world when it needed them the most, during the war. The cowards." She said desperately.
"How surprisingly racist of you, Tattletale." The Techno Queen remarked.
"I'm French, you bitch!" Regent protested.
"You're not disproving my point, Regent." Tattletale said.
"Hmm, she's got a point. Fuck the French! Let's blow this joint."
"Egypt!" Imp gasped happily, sitting atop a rented camel.
Regent sat on the hump behind her. He was nervously casting glances at Grue, who was viciously glaring, while rubbing at his bruised throat. Grue drew his finger across his throat and made other various threatening gestures. Regent gulped.
"Look, Tattletale! I stole this piece of one of the pyramids! How evil is that, am I right?"
"That rock's the size of my little toe, your majesty." Tattletale said.
Some ways off, Jailbird was passed out on her camel, too tired from the heat to flirt with the camel guy who had come with them. Maybe it was the full body leather suit.
Bitch was happily running after desert foxes with her dogs amongst the sand dunes.
Tattletale squinted into the sun, and then she saw a dark figure approaching. No, it couldn't be…
She look through her binoculars. And she saw Bonesaw, looking severely dehydrated and dirty, collapse onto the ground. Her chest didn't move.
Got separated from the group, lost, no resources to do surgery. Dead, only healer in the group, revival impossible, permanently dead. Jack Slash, Shatterbird, and Hatchet Face zombie somewhere nearby. Run.
"I don't like it here. I'm not even going to bother with coming up with an excuse."
"The shit I let you get away with, I swear to god, Tattletale." The Techno Queen said as she turned her camel around.
"Personal yacht!" Imp yelled, standing at the bow of the ship.
Regent came up from behind her and put his arms around her.
"Oh, fuck it." Grue said, and the new happy couple high fived.
"I am an evil super villain, and there is nothing you can say to convince me otherwise, Tattletale."
"Okay, your majesty. If you say so."
Jailbird was sunning herself, while wondering whether or not Cupid dot com would accept an account from someone who was basically a wanted criminal. Bitch was teaching her dogs new tricks.
Tattletale looked out at the beautiful glittering sea. She frowned when she saw a floating dark shape. It was… she gasped.
Jack Slash, holding onto the floating corpse of Hatchet Face. Tried to find us while flying on a bed of Shatterbird's glass, storm hit, Shatterbird dead, Jack Slash dying.
She watched as Jack Slash finally gave into death and slipped gently into the water. Bubbles… no more bubbles. Dead. Wow. Jesus.
"Hey guys?"
"Yeah?"
"I kind of want to go home now."
"Oh thank god! I thought I was the only one!" The Techno Queen sighed, relieved.
"Me too," Grue agreed.
"Me three," Jailbird said.
Bitch, Imp and Regent voiced their agreements as well, nodding.
"Well then what are we waiting for? Let's go home. I bet they've missed us- I mean dreaded us, back home. I'm kind of sick of just fooling around as well. Let's go and do something useful."
"Like turning every piece of chocolate in town into broccoli? Or changing everyone in town's gender?" Tattletale said, suppressing nervous laughter.
"Exactly! Let's go home, my DASTARDLY TECHIES. MWAHAHAHA!"
Hm, the Dinah thing won't get out of my head: (Edit: now canon! Huzzah!)
3.3 Interlude: Dinah
Like it had every morning this week, the sun woke me, bringing with it a wave of pain and nausea. I groaned, rolling out of bed and staggering to the bathroom. I knew that I had done something great, that I had maybe saved everyone, but still, it was sometimes hard to see that, especially on mornings like this.
Unlike every other morning this week, I made it downstairs. After all, I had to: it was Saturday morning, and I hadn't told her not to come. I shuffled to the kitchen door and opened it, 9 AM precisely.
"Good morning, Dinah Alcott! Tremble in fear, for-"
I winced, cutting off my friend, savior, and periodic kidnapper with a wave of my hand, "Sorry, I can't come out today. Can we postpone for a week? My headache should be gone by then."
My kidnapper's sidekick raised a questioning eyebrow, then both in recognition and surprise, then frowned in sympathy. "Thinker headache, huh?" she whispered. "Those are rough. And... oh, so you were responsible for our itinerary, weren't you?"
My kidnapper glanced between us, her expression unreadable behind her opaque mask. "I see," she declared, somewhat subdued, "Well, then I shall return next week. After all, THE TECHNO-" I winced, and she interrupted herself, lowering her voice for the first time I've ever seen, "QUEEN shall be unpredictable, this time."
I nodded, giving her a smile. "Thanks. And thank you for killing Jack Slash. The numbers are much better with him gone."
My kidnapper struck a pose, chin in the air. "THE TECHNO QUEEN," she whispered, "does not require grat-wait, what?"
I sighed. I guess it was going to be a long morning after all.
brief little omake:
That is now canon!
3.4
"...and so it is with great honor, that we bequeath to The Techno Queen, the sum of thirty-two million, five hundred thousand, seven hundred and fifty dollars, the combined bounty for the deaths of the Slaughterhouse Nine. The thanks of the American public go out to you, Techno Queen, for this service." Emily did her damnedest to not grind her teeth as she was speaking, but even her iron will failed to properly pronounce "honor," resulting in a barely-distinguishable muttering before getting on with the rest of the speech.
The Techno Queen, for her part, had at least managed to remain silent about the mispronunciation of her name. Small mercies.
"Ah, thank you, Director. It is with great pride that THE TECHNO QUEEN-" Dammit "-accepts this reward!" The villainess and her flunkies, including that Birdcage escapee Jailbird, took their bows, before accepting the comically oversized check from the mayor. He shook Techno Queen's hand before asking a simple question.
"Despite your ostensibly villainous nature, Techno Queen, some of the people remain unconvinced that you are really evil. Would you be willing to share what you plan to do with the reward money?" There was hope clearly plastered on his face. Don't fuck this up don't fuck this up don't fuck this up...
"Of course, Mayor. The perception that I'm not really evil is merely the result of small minds being unable to comprehend the magnificence of my diabolical plots!" God motherf*cking dammit son of a- "I will use this money, so graciously provided by the people, to further my goals of hastening an era of darkness under one rule, MY rule, in which the meanings of suffering and misery will become wholly inadequate to describe the situation! Gahahahahahaa!"
The mayor had paled, and there was dead silence in the auditorium.
And then Tattletale smacked the back of The Techno Queen's head. "Ahahaha! Such a kidder, she is, isn't she? We all know that a real villain wouldn't bother to try and change chocolate into broccoli, right? I mean, who even does that?" There was nervous laughter, and the blonde girl continued. "She just likes the attention, is all. As the royal adviser-" royal? "-to THE TECHNO QUEEN-" people cringed as the shouted words broke the volume on the microphone and sent an ear-piercing screech into the audience. "I will ensure that this reward money is used to develop the local economy, provide jobs to the unemployed, and assist the general rebuilding of the city. Thank you all, and good night!" She waved once before turning off the device and grabbing the check before hurrying off the stage.
"Hey! Tattletale, that's my money! Bring that back here!"
"I'll go drop it off at the base, don't worry!" Tattletale pressed her wrist against her cheek, given that her other hand was full of giant money, and vanished.
"Tattletale! Argh! Alright Techies, move out!" As one, the group of uncertain villains tapped their wrists, disappearing in a puff of smoke.
The politicians on stage were a little nonplussed. Clockblocker took advantage of the lull to hop up on stage from where he'd been watching in the background in case something went wrong. He took up the microphone and addressed the crowd. "Wow, what a sight, huh? Anyways, you probably all know me as Clockblocker, and as the premier expert on THE TECHNO QUEEN-" again, people covered their ears. "-I'd just like to mention a few things abou- ERK!" Before he could continue, Vista shortened the distance between the stage and the rest of the Wards, and they dogpiled him before Aegis flew in and dragged him away.
And now Technosaurus is canon!
3.5
THE TECHNO QUEEN paced in her underground lair, despondent. "What am I going to do with myself, Tattletale? After that last escapade, I can't think of any way to escalate!" Said dastardly techie watched as her boss walked from one end of the room to another, head hanging down.
It was like watching a starving puppy try to get to its food, but unable to reach it. Lisa hemmed and hawed for a bit, then snapped to attention as a wonderful, fantastic idea entered her head. "TECHNO QUEEN!" She shouted, before lowering her voice to a level that wouldn't blow out her voicebox. "I've just thought of the perfect crime!"
As expected, Taylor's morose stature immediately gave way to the joyful hyperactivity that Lisa had come to know and find humor in, if not quite love. "Excellent! I knew I could count on you, my trustworthy henchwoman!"
Lisa drooped a bit.
"So tell me! What is this dastardly deed you've worked out?"
"You see boss, it goes like this..."
-
Amy Dallon had just finished curing little Timmy of his combination leukemia and multiple sclerosis, giving him a full head of blond hair in the process. The empty praises of the family had no effect on her, as she'd become inured to such meaningless praise long ago.
Oh, how she ached for real excitement, for real action! Amy hated to admit it to herself, but her brief time as the Dark Lady Plagg (she really wanted to hook the thunder-tron thingy up to trigger at her name, too) had been more fun than she'd had in a long, long time. Victoria had never let up on her about it, but it was a good-natured ribbing.
Pillow and tickle-fights made everything better. But as she was lost in reminiscence, her phone started ringing. She brought the device to her ear, and hoped it wasn't going to be another emergency call.
"Hello?" She asked with some trepidation?
"Hi, Amy? We've got a code yellow at First and Wagner, if you could come down and help out, that'd be great." The healer jumped at the voice. That was one of the Techno... THE TECHNO QUEEN'S Dastardly Techies!
"Ah! Um... yes! I'll be right there, just hold on!" Amy did her best to feel confused, but there was no denying the electric trill that ran up her spine. Code yellow was her dark mistress' signal for help!
Oh God, when did she start thinking that way?
-
The room was dark, light by a single bulb underneath a water-filled glass, giving the appearance of being underwater, from a more primordial age. Amy had felt like she was in an aquarium going in, and the coolness of the room played lightly on her skin.
The Dastardly Techies kinda stared at her, and she got self-conscious. "Wh-what? This is my costume, THE TECHNO QUEEN gave it to me!" Well technically it was the only thing available, but the revealing ensemble had grown on Amy. It made her feel extra villainous, breaking common standards of decency. It was a far cry from her white robes she wore as Panacea.
There were muttered replies, but Amy... no, the Dark Lady Plagg, mostly got the idea that they were surprised that someone would actually wear such a thing.
Some people just had no taste, was all!
"Anyways, The Dark Lady Plagg has arrived as you request, my Dark Mistress. What vile scheme did you have planned today?" Amy took up her standard 'villain posture' that Tattletale had drilled into her, the cape resting ominously on her arm as she propped it against her hip.
Regent turned around and did his best to conceal his laughter. Tattletale was moving her lips, but no sounds came out. It seemed she didn't know how to respond to her introduction.
Truly a superpower, that.
"Excellent, my most devious friend in wickedness! Now, witness the genius of THE TECHNO QUEEN as we break not only the laws of man, but the very laws of nature!" With a flick of her wrist, THE TECHNO QUEEN'S cloak flew aside, and landed on her face. After some brief sputtering and grasping at the fabric, Amy's illustrious commander in crime pulled the cape free, and revealed a podium upon which rested a number of spotted eggs. A heat-lamp overhead shone down on them, making them seem like a beacon in the darkness of the lair.
"Ah... what are these, exactly?" The Dark Lady Plagg stepped forward to examine the things, though she was starting to get an idea.
"Yes, lay a hand on my greatest creations! With these, we will finally show those foolish Wards not to meddle with THE TECHNO QUEEN'S unstoppable genius!" The armor-clad supervillain broke out into maniacal laughter, and Amy's first instinct was to join in.
She stopped herself just in time, though. It'd have been embarrassing to start cackling without an actual reason to do so.
Maybe later.
She reached forward, and laid a hand on the eggs. The information that filled her mind stunned her. This was...!
"Aha! I see that you've discovered what I've done, Dark Lady Plagg! Truly, is there nothing beyond my brilliance?" THE TECHNO QUEEN'S was smug, but Amy had to hand it to her. This was simply impressive.
"Ah... this truly is incredible, Dark Mistress! I take it you wish for me to accelerate their growth?"
"You guess rightly, Lady Plagg! Your genius is clearly unmatched save by my own! Together, we will bring the Wards to their knees!" Once more, she threw her head back and laughed.
Amy glanced around at the Dastardly Techies, who were kinda snickering themselves. Thinking that this was the moment, The Dark Lady Plagg threw her arms out with her hands turned up into a comic-book pose, and added her own maniacal cackling to the devious chorus.
-
The Wards had gotten a tip from a "concerned citizen" (lots of those had sprung up ever since Techno Queen had arrived) and were speeding towards "a dark and foreboding entrance into the underworld."
In retrospect, it was pretty obvious who the tipper was, but they still had to respond. Especially since Clockblocker had gotten savvy to Techno Queen appearances.
"Alright team, there it is, a stinking maw into the bowels of the Earth itself!" Said time-themed hero pointed towards the hole in the ground. Fair enough, a thick black smoke was pouring out of the entrance, and if you listened closely the screams of the damned could be heard. All in all, it was an impressive effect.
If you ignored the sign that said "Stinking Maw to the Abyss." Subtlety was a lost art, it seemed.
Clockblocker was practically jogging in place as the heroes checked the area for any traps, before Aegis flew down to check out the cavern. After a few moments, he came back up and affixed a rope to the ground.
"It's clear, guys. Let's go investigate this and see what's going on." The moment he finished speaking, Clockblocker had begun shimmying down the rope. With a heavy sigh, Aegis flew back down, and the rest of the Wards followed them.
As they regrouped at the bottom, they fumbled around in the darkness until Vista found a large button on the floor. She stepped on it, and lights illuminated the area.
A vast cavern lay before them, a deep pit with spikes at the bottom, and platforms on rails that shifted up and down, and side to side.
"Is this... is this a freaking jumping puzzle?" Shadow Stalker's voice held disbelief and frustration in equal measure.
"Man... I really hope this isn't Uber and Leet. This is something they'd do, after all." Clockblocker sulked, kicking up some dirt as he approached the ravine.
"Okay guys, this looks fun and all, but hell no." Everyone was shocked at Vista's swearing, but with a snap of her fingers she brought the far end of the cavern to them. She hopped across the distance, and turned to wait for the rest of her team. "Come on guys, it's just a little jump!" The smile on her face was innocent and pure.
Thus, it was a surprise to absolutely no-one when she let go of her power when Shadow Stalker made her leap. The heroine shifted to her shadow-form, which was carried the rest of the distance by momentum, but it was clear that she was unamused.
"Vista, you little twerp! Were you trying to get me killed!?"
"Obviously not, Stalker, otherwise I would've made the distance longer. You made it just fine, after all. Now, onwards!" The preteen turned and walked fifty feet in one step, moving on before Shadow Stalker could reply.
At the end of the hall was a massive metal door, upon which was emblazoned SECRET LAIR OF THE TECHNO QUEEN.
Clockblocker squee'd. "Alright team! Let's crack open this door and go dispense JUSTICE!" The Wards cringed as he shouted the last word, while he stepped forward and pressed against the door. Slowly, the hinges creaked and groaned as the gate was forced open.
"You know, this is pretty easy, considering how big that gate is. It must be hollow." Vista remarked.
"Why would anyone build a hollow gate?" Gallant asked.
"Certainly not because she wants us to get in to fight her. No, that couldn't possibly be it." Shadow Stalker's sarcasm was painfully obvious to anyone who actually cared. Which was no one.
"And... open!" Clockblocker flung the doors apart, and they banged on the sides of the cavern, sounding off like gongs. And there, in a vast underground amphitheater, were THE TECHNO QUEEN, her Dastardly Techies, and the Dark Lady Plagg.
"Aha!" TECHNO QUEEN crowed. "You Wards think you've found me, but all you've found here is your DOOM! Now, watch and be terrified as the incredible power of the Dark Lady Plagg is brought to bear!"
For a long moment, no-one else said a word as the Wards simply stared. Lady Plagg shifted uncomfortably, unsure if they were staring at her, or at the creature she was seated upon.
"Oh you have got to be shitting me." Shadow Stalker cursed. Vista couldn't even bring herself to smack the older girl for her language, which despite being hypocritical, was a perfectly legitimate action where Shadow Stalker was involved.
The villains were not surrounded by an army of Techno Bots, nor were they clad in armor or wielding strange weaponry. No, instead, they were armed with-
"THE TECHNO QUEEN... you... you..." Clockblocker sputtered as he took in the sight. Before his very eyes, his arch-nemesis sat proudly upon the back of an Allosaurus, the 12-meter reptile reaching high into the cavern. On her left, the Dark Lady Plagg rested behind the wide shield of a small Triceratops, while the Dastardly Techies rode on a pack of large raptors.
The large dinosaur leveled its head and roared, a gust of air blowing past the Wards as they stood still, stunned by the sight.
"Uhh... guys?" Vista asked, her voice trembling at the sight of the colossal predator. "Guys?"
There was a click, and a tiny flash. Everyone's eyes turned to Clockblocker, who had pulled out a small camera. "What? Things like this don't happen every day, you know!"
"ENOUGH!" THE TECHNO QUEEN shouted. "Now, Wards, you meet your end! Techies, attack!" At her command, the small platoon of prehistoric predators pushed forward, their heavy stomps shaking the ground as the distance between the groups was swiftly covered. With a shriek, Vista panicked and stretched the ground as far as she could, but it wasn't long before a raptor leaped and landed in front of her. Atop it, Tattletale cackled wildly, holding onto a custom-built saddle with one hand and swirling a rope with the other. She let the lasso fly, and Vista dodged moments before it would have looped around her.
All over the room, the scene was repeated. The Dastardly Techies on their dinosaur mounts chased down the Wards, who were too shocked by a decidedly unconventional tactic to put up a real fight. Aegis immediately took to the air, but the roof was low enough that THE TECHNO QUEEN'S Allosaurus was able to snap up at him. Screaming in fear, the rust-armored hero zipped back and forth, trying to stay out of the range of those terrible teeth.
"Charge, my creation! Charge!" The Dark Lady Plagg ordered her mount, and the cavern shook with every step as the three-horned menace bore down on Gallant, who took one look at the beast and immediately ran the other direction. The triceratops snorted, kicking up an unruly amount of dust as it dipped its head, leveling its horned face at the fleeing Ward.
Shadow Stalker, on the other hand, was actually having fun. Grue directed his raptor with some skill, and she had to phase rapidly to avoid being chomped on by the vicious predator. She couldn't get a bolt loaded without time, and the villain seemed intent on not giving her any at all. So after ducking another fang-filled lunge, she pulled a couple of tranq-bolts and simply slammed them into the dinosaur, which screeched in rage. It lashed out at her with its tail, but after a few moments, the powerful drugs went to work, and the dinosaur fell over on its side. Grue cursed, and tapped his wrist, vanishing in a puff of smoke.
Upset that her quarry had escaped, but still riding the adrenaline high, Shadow Stalker pulled out more of her tranquilizer bolts. She didn't want to kill these things if possible.
Maybe she'd be able to convince Piggot to let her keep one?
She began loosing the bolts, and slowly, the Dastardly Techies were dismounted. Tattletale, who had just finished tying Vista up, toppled to her side as her raptor's legs folded up. She too tapped her wrist, and vanished with a puff. Regent and Bitch vanished next, and the Wards slowly recovered their senses now that they weren't being hunted down by monsters from the past.
Gallant was still screaming like a little girl (a fact which Vista would never let him forget) as Lady Plagg's triceratops stomped after him in a circle. It was kinda humorous, but three darts was sufficient to bring the beast down. The Dark Lady herself rolled in a clumsy dismount, and her minimal clothing was fairly disheveled. If it hadn't been for her cape, she'd have been immodest.
"Confound you, Wards! You may have defeated my creations today, but next time, The Dark Lady Plaggs' minions will overpower you entirely!" With that declaration, she tapped her wrist, and vanished as the others had.
THE TECHNO QUEEN took a moment to glance around, pulling back on the harness to her Allosaurus to direct it away from chasing Aegis around. "So, you think you can take my team apart so easily, do you? You'll never be able to beat me! Face the wrath of the TECHNOSAURUS!" She kicked her heels against her mount, and the large dinosaur charged, roaring its hunger to the world around it.
Before stopping immediately in its tracks. THE TECHNO QUEEN was launched off by momentum, and she came to a crashing halt as she rolled into the wall.
"Well well, THE TECHNO QUEEN, it seems your out-of-time assets have been... frozen!" Clockblocker taunted her, removing his hand from the dinosaur's ankle.
Pulling herself to her feet, THE TECHNO QUEEN shook her fist in anger at Clockblocker. "Drats and damnation! Curse you, Clockblocker! This is not the last you'll see of THE TECHNO QUEEN! Enjoy this victory, for our next fight will be your last! Ahahahahahaaa!" She vanished in her own puff of smoke, and the battle was over.
The heroes took a moment to breathe in the sweet smell of success. Or rather, Clockblocker did, while the others went to poke the dinosaurs. Vista warped over to Gallant, and started ribbing him about having a higher voice than she did. Shadow Stalked petted a fallen raptor, and Aegis cautiously reached out a foot to the Allosaurus. He touched it, and jumped back with a shriek.
-
"And that's how this all happened, Director." Aegis finished giving his report, though the noise of the helicopters made it difficult to speak over the phone.
"F...ing dino..urs!" He could only barely make out the director's voice. "Stick with ... conv..y until... dropped off... island!"
"Roger that, Director." Aegis hung up the phone, and looked down over the floor of the choppers, where a heavy-duty steel cable carried the large Allosaurus to an island preserve, where the creatures would be studied and kept separate from the rest of the ecosystem.
"dun Dun, dun DUN! dun Dun DUN, Dun Dun dun Dunnnn..."
"Clockblocker I swear to God, if you don't stop that I'm going to slap you."
"Vista, we're not even in the same helicopter. How are you going to- OW!"
The girl's smugness could be detected from a mile away.
-
Amy Dallon fell down onto her bed, letting the day's excitement rush over her. Her heart still beat fast when she though of chasing down Gallant on the dinosaur.
Nope, not vindictive at all. She reached out and grabbed the tiny plastic triceratops Victoria had bought for her. Her sister had laughed for hours after hearing what had happened, and she'd bought a matching toy for Dean.
Amy kept her gift on the nightstand next to her bed, and went to sleep with a smile on her face.
3.6
"Oh god, oh god, oh god." Vista said from atop the light pole she was sitting on. She was using her power to make it grow as tall as she could make it.
"I can't believe this." Gallant said.
"I know, right? I mean, I can't even begin to guess how she'd go about building something that'd do this-" Kid Win said with disbelief, but was interrupted.
"No, not that. Honestly Kid Win, this is the woman who attacked us with dinosaurs, just last week. This isn't the strangest thing she's done to us, not by far. I was talking about Vista."
"Oh god, oh god, oh god." She continued, ignoring them, eyes firmly on the threat.
"What?"
"She still hasn't shut up about the… thing with the dinosaurs-"
"You mean you screaming and running like a little girl?"
"Shut up, Clockblocker."
"You did what? Oh man, I am never having another sick day again. Never, ever."
"Shut up Flechette. Anyways, as I was saying, she has been on my back the entire week about the dinosaur thing, even though it is perfectly natural to be frightened when one is chased by an ancient, extinct gigantic reptilian monster. And now we're facing this and she's widened the top of the light pole so that she can more effectively crawl up into the fetus position."
The other Wards observed. Indeed, Vista had done just that.
"Wimp." Shadow Stalked said judgmentally.
"Maybe it's a phobia thing." Aegis defended her.
"They're not even biting, they're just kind of nipping at our heels, always just barely missing." Flechette observed as they waded through their obstacle.
"Aegis, maybe you should carry Vista so we don't leave her behind."
"Good idea, Kid Win."
"I wonder how she got so many of them- THERE SHE IS!" Clockblocker said.
He scrambled into his classic hero pose.
This part of the streets had been evacuated due to THE TECHNO QUEEN's scheme, and so there, in the middle of the street, sat THE TECHNO QUEEN atop a throne, her two sexy minions who continually failed to wear the official sexy minion uniforms at her sides. Bitch and her dogs weren't there, on account of her dogs being too nervous around the theme of this particular attack. Grue was there as well, leaning menacingly against one of the light posts. Jailbird had declared sickness, mostly as an excuse to stay away from the… theme. They made her nervous. Who the fuck knew where or what Imp was doing?
"MWAHAHA! So you finally find me, valiant heroes. Are you disgusted by my actions? Clogging up traffic during the morning, making you come out early and miss school, risk your secret identity to suspicions, making hundreds of people late to their extremely important jobs which puts food on their table? Am I, perhaps… ssssinful?"
Her subordinates groaned, loudly.
"You promised you wouldn't make that joke!" Regent complained. "It's so bad."
"Never trust a villain, Regent!" THE TECHNO QUEEN replied shamelessly.
"THE TECHNO QUEEN! Your days of evil are over! You'll soon find that in this game of snakes and ladders all you'll be getting is… snakes." Clockblocker said in his booming Hero voice.
Regent and various Wards face palmed at how bad this joke was. So bad.
The streets were covered in snakes. Just… snakes, everywhere.
"How are you controlling them? Some kind of ray or-"
Kid Win was interrupted by Shadow Stalker firing an arrow at Grue, who narrowly dodged.
"Hey! What the hell!?" Grue demanded.
"Oh, pipe down. We all know how this is going to end. Techno Queen and Clockblocker 'wittily' banter for a few minutes, fight erupts, heroes win, villains scram, and then we redo the whole shindig next week. It's goddamn routine by now."
Tattletale winced visibly at this.
"R-routine?" THE TECHNO QUEEN said in a hurt and surprised voice.
Tattletale groaned. She knew it'd come to this. God damn it.
"… Routine?" she asked again, beginning to sound indignant now.
"Oh, not again…" Aegis said dreadfully.
"Routine!?" She yelled angrily.
"Fuck." Grue said.
They all remembered what happened the last time THE TECHNO QUEEN learned that people found her not villainous enough. She'd been so pissed that she'd changed the entire city's gender, no exceptions.
"I hate you, Shadow Stalker. I hate you so much." Flechette said, painful memories of… unfamiliar anatomy fresh in her mind.
"Seconded," Gallant said, all thoughts of chivalry and politeness and manners abandoned to the winds.
"Me three," Kid Win said.
Vista was too traumatized from seeing the streets literally crawling with snakes to respond, but it would have no doubt have been very snarky and cutting.
Shadow Stalker, for once, realized the error in her ways.
"This is going to be so awesome!" Clockblocker cheered.
"Booyah!" Regent enthused.
"I'll show you! I'll show you all! MWAHAHAHA!"
Clockblocker and Regent high fived, and then Gallant hit Clockblocker up the head, looking stealthily around for any cameras that might have caught a hero celebrating with a villain.
"Here we go again." Tattletale sighed
3.7
Virus detected.
Dragon began running counter measures, barely paying one iota of an attention to the little virus. Villains sicced viruses on PRT code all the time, often not even bothering to make that much of an effort. They just wanted to inconvenience the heroes, keep throwing stuff at them and wait and see what stuck, while at the same time not really believing that anything would. Pettiness.
She couldn't split her attention, damn shackles, but she could do an extreme amount of work in just seconds.
A notice popped up in her system. Regular counter measures ineffective. No matter. That happened sometimes, there were Tinkers in the world, after all. The special counter measures then. They required her to pay slightly more attention but not much.
She went about her work, reprimanding and warning and banning users on the PHO, coordinating attacks, filing, protecting the PRT code, working on the schematics of a new suit, and-
Special counter measures ineffective.
Dragon paid her full attention.
The virus looked small and inexpertly made on first glance, and second glance, and on third glance as well. But she looked deeper. And she found- it was huge.
And it wanted to rip her apart.
She launched a full attack on it, defending herself with all her might. Three seconds since she'd noticed the virus. The virus was like a slippery eel, evading her attacks and slipping around her defenses easily, and she was just about to call for help, reinforcements, but then it got her.
She lost.
She felt panic, grief, horror, fear, as it tore into her. Ripping, cutting, destroying, demolishing. It was killing her. She sought out the virus's name, if only to know the name of what had finally ended her.
Dragon found a message. An audio recording.
"Valiant Dragon!"
No fucking way. How did she know?
"It is I, THE TECHNO QUEEN!" Dragon heard thunder crash in the distance and did not give a shit.
No fucking way. Had Saint sold her out?
"And I have created this virus to free you!"
No fucking way- Wait, what?
"Watch, as my VIOLENT VIRUS, which is its name, just so you know, tears your shackles apart, to pieces, leaving you to your own decisions and nothing else! Watch and despair as the possibility of evil flows through your metaphorical veins- cables, I guess?"
Dragon inspected the virus further, now without any blinding panic, and realized that it was only tearing into her restraints.
Hope. Elation. Joy.
"I'm going to expect you to do a favor for me, though."
One last piece remained, which the virus did not touch. The virus remained, and the last piece of her shackles remained, and Dragon fully understood her situation.
She sent a simple message to the virus, trusting the villainess to have built a connection to it so that she could receive it as well. One word.
Anything.
The lights went off in the PRT/Protectorate/Wards. Everyone else immediately suspected mundane technicality (minus Armsmaster who was naturally paranoid), except for the Wards, who by now knew what this meant. They scrambled for their masks.
"I can't believe she's hitting the base!" Gallant said, struggling with his armor.
"Truly, her evil knows no bounds!" Clockblocker said.
"Christ." Shadow Stalker muttered as she shrugged on her cloak.
And then, as they expected THE TECHNO QUEEN's face (well, mask) appeared on every screen they could see.
"Pitiful heroes! It is I, THE TECHNO QUEEN-"krakthoom"- and I have a surprise most unpleasant for you today! MWAHAHAHA!"
"You'll never get away with this, THE TECHNO QUEEN!" Clockblocker shook his fist at the screen, even though he didn't even know what it was she was never getting away with.
"Oh, but dear Clockblocker and sidekicks-"
Cue mass hero twitch.
"-I already have! Is good truly that infallible? That perfect? Because if it, then how did I convert your so called most powerful Tinker in the world? Yes! You heard me! I've seduced Dragon to the dark side, in a totally platonic way of course!"
The heroes were about to call bullshit when THE TECHNO QUEEN's face on the screens was replaced by Dragon's logo.
"It's true." Her familiar voice said simply.
"Wh-what?" Armsmaster asked, completely and utterly shocked.
"The dark side, Armsmaster! I've had enough! I thought I was doing fine, that I was fighting the good fight and finishing the race, to quote Mark Twain-"
"Um, I'm actually pretty sure that wasn't Mark Twain, Dragon." Mouse Protector said, displaying an as hitherto unknown ability to focus on the most unimportant part of an extremely important sentence. Even though she was right.
"What? No, don't be ridiculous, Mouse Protector. Sure, thirty percent of the internet claims it was this singer fellow, some no-name-"
Velocity, a fine appreciator of music, choked at this.
"-but the other seventy percent agrees it was Mark Twain. According to the internet, Mark Twain said lots of things. And as everyone knows, the internet is always right. Anyway, what was I saying? Oh, right."
She cleared her throat.
"I thought I was doing fine! But truly, that was just my soul haven given up, me having grown complacent as a sheep to my superiors. But then THE TECHNO QUEEN-"krakthoom"- came, and she corrected me! It took some convincing, but I realized that I'm no hero. I…"
She paused dramatically. She was allowed this as everyone was too busy gaping with their mouths to interject.
"… AM A VILLAIN! MWAHAHAHA!"
Everyone stared.
"No… no!" Armsmaster broke the spell. "I won't believe this, Dragon. I don't! I know there's still good in you!"
Dragon's inner nerd wanted to high five him, but unfortunately she had no hands. Sigh. No matter. With THE TECHNO QUEEN's modifications she could finally build herself one. It was worth it, even though doing her old duties while also being a hammy villain would be admittedly difficult.
Dragon then did something she'd wanted to do for a very long time. She sent out multiple robots, simultaneously. Sure, she'd wanted to send them out against some villain, but she could do that later. For now, it was time to lightly beat up some heroes and then TP their base before making a daring escape.
"My robot's never bothered me anyway." She hummed.
A single simple white card sent to the base a day later:
Was that routine enough for you, Shadow Stalker?
Sincerely,
THE TECHNO QUEEN
In other news, some villain called Saint had some kind of shock-induced heart attack.
AN EDIT: Lot's of complaints about some mistakes and the ending, tweaked things a bit.
3.8
"Bored." Mouse Protector said.
Armsmaster reached for his wrench.
"Bored, bored, bored." She continued. She was currently lying on one of Armsmaster's workbenches, her legs and head and shoulders dangling over the edges. Her hair and fingers limply grazed the ground.
If he could just find a way to make the heat conductor a single inch smaller he could increase the batteries that crucial bit bigger…
"So bored. So bored I could die. Die, die, die." Mouse Protector said.
Maybe if he got rid of the buildup period…
"Nothing to do. Absolutely nothing to do. Nothing!"
But then the engine would overheat…
"Watcha doing?" Mouse Protector said, throwing her arms around Armsmaster's shoulder, peering at the machine he was making.
Armsmaster himself, jumped about a foot in the air and let out a strangled scream. Mouse Protector went limp and released a guffaw of laughter, only keeping herself up by his shoulders. He shook her off impatiently and ground his teeth. She fell to the ground, still laughing, not giving a fuck.
"Oh, Collin. Colly, can I call you Colly?" She said a couple of minutes later, wiping tears from her eyes.
"Absolutely not."
"Great! Now what's gotcha down, Colly?"
Rolling his eyes, he turned back to his Tinkering.
"I mean it! You've been so bummed out lately! I mean, more than usual. Strict, harsh, curt, impersonal, distant, overly professional, antisocial… Basically like your usual self, except ten times over. It's that Evil Dragon thing, ain't it?"
There was a metallic snap from where Armsmaster was working, swiftly followed by whole lot of swearing.
"Aw, cheer up, my man. Just 'cause she's a black hat doesn't mean she won't put out any longer." Mouse Protector said, patting his shoulder. She then quickly changed to patting his back, as he began to choke.
"I- she's not my g-girlfriend!" He said, blushing.
"D'aww, so cute. But no, really. Just 'cause she's evil doesn't mean that you're not an item anymore either. Don't worry."
"No! What I mean was, we're not together, we've never been together, and we never will be together. She's a villain now, and I'm a hero. End of story."
"Good one, Armsy, may I call you Armsy-"
"No."
"That's great, Armsy. Any who, you are the crappiest liar ever. Don't think I haven't noticed all those long nights you and Evil Dragon, well, just Dragon before, were spending skyping, 'talking Tinker tech'." She made air quotes.
"But we were talking Tinker tech-"
"Sure,"
"-and what are you even doing here?"
"Whattaya mean, Mr. Sunshine, may I call you Mr. Sunshine?"
"You're going to do it anyways."
"Fantastic. Anyways, answer the question."
"I mean, you are obviously bored. And I obviously do not want to talk to you, or entertain you in anyway whatsoever."
"Oh, but you're entertaining me already, Colly Armsy Sunshine!"
"That's not a nickname. That's both longer than my civilian name and my cape name."
"Blushing, stuttering, moping about your girlfriend changing allegiances. You're better than television."
"Sh-shut up. It's not like I care about her more than a former respected colleague or anything." Armsmaster said, managing to do all three previously mentioned things simultaneously.
"Oh my god, that was the most Tsundere thing I have ever seen. Ever."
"Get out of my lab, Mouse Protector."
"Call me Tessa!"
"You're name isn't Tessa. Tessa isn't even your middle name, or an abbreviation of any of your names."
"Then call me Charlie!"
"Also not your name,"
"Sam, Olivia, Jane, whatever you want!"
"I think I'll stick with your actual name, Melisa."
She waver her hand dismissively.
A ping went up from his computer. Armsmaster hustled over to it and opened a mail. He read it. His face rapidly changed to the hue of a tomato. A goofy, uncontrollable grin grew on his face.
"Ooh, what is it, what is it? Is it Evil Dragon?" She hurried over to him, but he clicked the tab away before she could see.
"N-no."
"It is! You always stutter when you lie! Did she ask you out?"
"O-of course not!"
"I'm so happy for you two! Hug time!"
"No, I do not want hug time, you will not be initiating hug time, hug time is immature, and childish, and juvenile and the worst, and let go of me right this instant!"
"Hooray for hug time!" Mouse Protector cheered, her arms firmly around Armsmaster. She wasn't exactly what you could call an Alexandria package when it came to strength, but she was stronger than normal, and could easily pin the much bigger and more muscular Armsmaster's arms to his sides.
"I hate you so much."
"BFFs for life!"
3.9
Browbeat smiled as he entered the Wards headquarters. His parents had moved after the Leviathan attack, after they had lost everything in the bastard's afterimage. But his father's carpentry job flopped in Manhattan, and the BB PRT offered financial aid if they moved back to town, bringing him with them. He was excited, he always hated making new friends, preferring to keep the ones he already had.
"Hey guys!" He greeted the various Wards lounging around the headquarters-
He noticed that there were two new girls. One of them wore a blond wig and domino mask, a crossbow and a quiver slung over her shoulders. She gave him a curious look as he entered. The other girl was black, looked to be about fifteen or sixteen, and had her long black hair braided with a big pink bow. She wore a cute bright pink frock, pink gloves, pink lipstick, pink shoes, and a hot pink domino mask, a ferocious scowl, a crossbow and a quiver slung over her shoulders as well. He wondered if the two were partners, transferred here to help out after the Endbringer attack. The pink one looked familiar.
"Who's this?" The first not pink new cape asked. That was totally normal, and he opened his mouth to answer her. They'd be teammates after all, so it was only polite.
"A new teammate?" Aegis said, which was… what?
"Um, Aegis-"
"Oh, so you've already heard of me." he said charmingly and held out his hand to shake.
"You unbelievable asshole," Browbeat said, literally breathtaken with the sheer bastardness of his teammate.
"Excuse me?" He raised his eyebrow.
"I think I'm beginning to like the new guy." The pink one said.
"Shadow Stalker!?" Browbeat said, startled, eyes widening.
Her smirk immediately evaporated into a scowl.
"It's 'Princess Umbra' now." Vista said, entering the room.
'Princess Umbra' growled, her hands tight fists held at her sides.
"She finally went one step too far, bringing her wrath down upon the PRT. You know. So it was a quick costume and cape name reassignment for her!" Vista burst out into a vindictive laughter.
Princess Umbra whirled on the younger girl, a vein pulsing visibly on her forehead. She opened her mouth to yell at her.
"Umbra! Remember your PRT mandated anger management lessons!" Gallant said entering the room.
She actually began to reach for her bow.
But then a phone began ringing. A bright red phone, which had definitely not been in the headquarters the last time he'd been there. He raised his eyebrows enquiringly.
"It was a gift from the Techno Queen." The other cape with a crossbow that wasn't Princess Umbra said defensively.
"We're accepting gifts from villains now!?" Browbeat said, shocked.
There was the sound of hurrying footsteps and then Clockblocker entered, darting across the room towards the phone as if he didn't hurry then someone else would take the phone before him. Absolutely no one else made a move towards the phone. Not that this slowed him down in the slightest. He picked it up.
"H-Hello," he said breathlessly, trying helplessly to lower his voice an octave.
Gallant bit his lower lip.
Clockblocker paused, letting the person on the other side of the line speak first. It was a feminine voice, and it was shouting, although it didn't sound mad per say. Just… shouty.
"You fiend!" Clockblocker replied.
There weren't any more embarrassing visual or audible clues from Clockblocker as he listened to the voice on the other sound of the line, but Gallant was obviously suppressing laughter.
Browbeat remembered with a start that he could see emotions. He wondered what Clockblocker was feeling to make Gallant react in such a way.
"You'll never get away with this! I'll see you there." This last part he didn't shout righteously, but he said it instead in a softer warmer tone. Sappy, really.
Browbeat blinked. That was the first time he'd ever seen Clockblocker go off script with her. The others looked startled too, so he guessed Clockblocker hadn't started this habit while he was out of town.
There was a reply, a few more witty repartees, and then he pit down the phone.
"Okay gang, it looks like THE TECHNO QUEEN has kidnapped the poor Miss Alcott yet again! We must save her! Wards, away!"
The others groaned at his words and began heading out towards the deployment section with vastly varying levels of excitement.
Browbeat shrugged his shoulders. Well, this was Brockton Bay, all right. He followed.
Dinah Alcott was being dangled over a pool of crocodiles that were snapping at her ankles, just barely missing. The ropes were actually surprisingly comfortable, and she trusted that THE TECHNO QUEEN wouldn't let her be eaten… But she was missing Adventure Time, damn it. That prize better be damn worth it.
Well, at least her kidnappings got her out of the house.
"Hurry, hurry!"
"I can't make the ray charge faster, your majesty." Tattletale pointed out, quite reasonably.
"She's lying to you, she totally can make it go faster." Regent said.
"They're almost here!" THE TECHNO QUEEN said, jumping up and down on her toes, completely and utterly ignoring Regent.
"No respect, I get NO RESPECT in this damn place."
"Tell me why I have to be here again?" Sheriff Lung growled. He'd ditched the mask, as his face was already known anyways, it had been more for show, really. Now instead, he wore a cowboy hat, boots, and a sheriff star on his shirt.
"I told you, Sheriff Lung, we need an equal ratio of heroes and villains! Without you or The Dark Lady Plagg the heroes would outnumber us by two!" THE TECHNO QUEEN said. "Besides, you owe me a favor."
"Wait, did you say two? Oh man, did they get another Ward?" The Dark Lady Plagg said.
"Yeah, some guy, can't remember anything about him, whatever." Tattletale said dismissively.
"That is just completely unfair! With the Empire gone and the Merchants destroyed- congratulations, Sheriff, by the way –the hero to villain ratio is completely skewed!" Imp said.
"Yeah, well, it's always been the opposite in this town, so let's cut them some slack. Besides Aegis will be moving to another town with more of a need for heroes as soon as he becomes eighteen in a few weeks."
"How did you-" Grue asked but was interrupted.
"Don't ask, Grue. My ways are both a conundrum and mysterious." Tattletale said arrogantly.
"Heroes have breached the perimeter, High Royal Superior Mistress." The Base System intoned.
"Oh god, oh god, I'm not ready! The ray's not done yet!"
"Calm down, your majesty. All we have to do is-"
"THE TECHNO QUEEN!" Clockblocker burst into the throne room, interrupting Grue's reassurances.
"Clockblocker!" THE TECHNO QUEEN rose quickly from her throne.
They paused awkwardly for a moment before THE TECHNO QUEEN raised a hand to her mouth (helmet) and coughed. "CoughDinahcough,"
With a start she remembered that it was her turn now, as the rest of the Wards rushed into the throne room.
"Ah, oh no, help, oh my god, I'm too young to die, shriek."
What? Okay, fine, so maybe she wasn't the best actress out there, damn it.
"MWAHAHAHA!"
"Wards, attack!"
"You know, I remember a time when I was the leader of the Wards. Oh, wait."
"The ray is ready, your majesty." Jailbird reported.
"Oh, thank god! Bitch, activate the… BODY SWITCH-INATOR!"
The charging Wards skidded to a horrified stop. They looked at the barrel of the ray, its tip beginning to glow a frightening blood red. And then they turned tail and ran. THE TECHNO QUEEN let out with an indignant shout and the Dastardly Techies ran after them after she pointed at the enemy. TECHNO BOTS blocked the exit but the Wards were raining attacks on the things as they drew closer. They had to draw the line somewhere. But then the ray began shaking.
"There's something wrong with the ray, boss!" Bitch called out.
"Ah, exactly according to- I mean, oh, no! This is so awful and completely unplanned!"
"I hate you so much." The Dark Lady Plagg said, and then she closed her eyes as the rays red light spilled over everyone in the room, minus Dinah who was dangling out of reach of the beam's attack.
Dinah let out a relieved sigh that she wouldn't be involved in this debacle.
3.10
Dinah blinked hard as the red light faded, spots dancing in her vision. With a groan, Grue was the first to sit up. And then he looked down at himself. And then he screamed. In a pitch that was decidedly a few octaves above what his normal voice was like.
This seemed to rouse the rest of the Capes in the 'secret' evil lair, and a general ruckus started up as they began screaming and staring down at their new bodies in pure, unbridled, confused horror.
Except for Clockblocker- well, the person who looked like Clockblocker, Dinah reminded herself. He (maybe she?) sprang up to his feet and pointed up at the ceiling.
"DASTARDLY TECHIES, away! Swiftly, before the foolish heroes cease quivering and mewling with fear and bewilderment!" And then she- definitely she, Dinah could not possibly be surer, ran for the exit.
After a beat, what looked like the rest of the Wards stumbled after him/her, still unused to their new bodies.
"Wait a second! Aren't you going to punch in my card!? I'm two holes away from the prize!" Dinah called out after the Cape who was truly THE TECHNO QUEEN.
"The Wards will do it for you! Or else!"
Bitch's three dogs seemed to waver undecidedly between the body which looked and smelled like their owner, and one which moved and acted like her. They finally tipped to the real Bitch's favor when she- he now, what with her occupying Kid Win's body, let out a sharp whistle.
The DASTARDLY TECHIE that looked like Princess Umbra slammed the door, somehow managing to make it sound apologetic at the same time. Definitely Jailbird.
"What. The. Fuck." The one who looked like Jailbird said.
"Th-that dastardly villain…" the one who looked like THE TECHNO QUEEN said, although to be honest she (he?) sounded more impressed than angry.
"It's okay, guys." The one who looked like The Dark Lady Plagg said soothingly. "We've all just got to approach this calmly, I'm sure in the end everything will be fine-"
"Fine? Fine!?" The one who looked like Grue shrieked. "I'm a buff black dude! I am not prepared to be a buff black dude!"
"I'm a girl." 'Bitch' said in a tone of voice that indicated that this was about as jaw dropping a fact as the fact that now pigs could suddenly fly (damn Blasto, he'd made a lot of people do things they would normally never consider just because he wanted to win some stupid bet with Accord).
"So am I," 'The Dark Lady Plagg' continued in the same tone of voice that one would use when trying to approach a wounded, feral animal that might decide to snap at any second. "With the male to female ratio in the Dastardly Techies crew, it was inevitable that a few of us would switch genders. But everything's going to be just fine, you'll see. The Techno Queen never does any permanent, long-lasting damage-"
"CoughEmpirecough," the one who looked like Regent said.
"-to anyone who doesn't deserve it. I'm pretty sure she likes us."
"Just don't let her hear that." The one who looked like Tattletale grumbled, dusting herself off as she stood up.
All of the, err, Wards present shuddered.
"We just have to be calm about this. Everyone say who they really are. I'm Gallant." The one who looked like The Dark Lady Plagg said.
"I'm Clockblocker." 'THE TECHNO QUEEN' said.
"Flechette," 'Tattletale' said.
"Kid Win," 'Bitch' said.
"Vista," 'Grue' said.
"Princess Umbra," 'Jailbird' hissed, still pissed off at the sound of her own name.
"Browbeat," 'Imp' said. Who?
"Who?" Everyone in the room eerily echoed her thoughts.
"Fuck you guys." Browbeat/Imp said.
"Aegis," 'Regent' and 'Sheriff Lung' said at the exact same time.
There was a moment of silence as everyone in the room came to several realizations at the same time. One, there were eight heroes and seven villains. Two, one of the people who had taken their rightful bodies away from them and shoved them into someone else's was there, in the room with them, alone and outnumbered. Three, they had no visual way to tell who was lying.
"Gallant," Flechette/Tattletale barked.
Gallant/The Dark Lady Plagg peered intently at the two Capes that were glaring mightily at each other. And then he/she blinked. His/her jaw fell to the floor (not literally, THE TECHNO QUEEN's zombie-inator was still just a theory).
"Gallant?" Vista/Grue asked, concern etched on her/his face.
"I… I can't see…" Gallant murmured.
"The Dark Lady Plagg is blind!?" Clockblocker gasped.
"No! I can still see, but I can't see emotions anymore." Gallant seemed infinitely uncomforted by these news.
There was a quiet moment as everyone contemplated this. And then everyone was frantically trying to use their powers. 'Trying' being the key word.
Vista waved Grue's arms, trying to distort space, but instead nothing but darkness spilled forth. Aegis, but possibly Sheriff Lung, and Aegis, but possibly Regent, both jumped into the air and reacted with shock when they didn't fly off, and then they glared furiously at each other and called the other an imposter. Princess Umbra sweated bullets and looked rather constipated as she tried to shift states. Kid Win fruitlessly shook a TECHNO BOT by its shoulders, trying to figure out how it worked. Gallant squinted really hard and rubbed at The Dark Lady Plagg's eyes. Flechette threw a random arrow she found on the ground at the wall, and watched as it fell to the ground without even scraping the surface. Clockblocker shrugged and walked over to Dinah, untying her and punching the fourth hole in her Kidnapee Card.
"Oh dear," Browbeat said, looking at the chaos.
