7.1
THE TECHNO QUEEN pressed the big red button. And from the ceiling something appeared. It was a banner, unfurling. PROTECT THE MECHA FROM THE VILLAINS! The paint was visibly wet. The heroes spent a moment gaping incredulously at it.
"No. Fucking. Way." Princess Umbra said. "No. Nope! I refuse to accept this! This- this is downright cheating, this is!"
"You should have waited for me to explain the rules, Princess Umbra." THE TECHNO QUEEN chided gently.
"YOU WERE DONE EXPLAINING THE RULES!" The heroine shrieked.
"That was actually just a dramatic pause."
Princess Umbra fell to her knees, pulling at her hair, screaming with pure rage. Everyone decided to ignore her and her obvious anger issues. Miss Militia noted to assign her more therapy sessions.
"Hey, villains, don't just stand there gaping! What am I paying you for!?" THE TECHNO QUEEN urged them on.
The Capes sprung back into action.
Sierra Kiley had just been at the grocery. She was holding two plastic bags filled to the brim with food and was waiting to cross the road.
"Miss Kiley," A gigantic dragon robot with a female voice said, suddenly standing next to her. "May I escort you to your home? It is very dangerous today."
"Um." She said numbly.
"And give me your bags. Your fleshy human arms are far too weak for such a load."
Was she being called fat? Sierra gave the dragon robot her bags.
"Thank you, Sierra Kiley."
And then the dragon robot helped her across the road, and up to her apartment. The dragon robot offered to help her make dinner but Sierra assured her it was fine. And then she went to hide underneath her bed and shake like a rabbit.
Her brother was still watching that game show.
"KILIMANJARO!" Armsmaster roared as he jumped onto a red tile with his left foot first, holding up three fingers in the air.
"FOUR!" Laserdream said as she dunked the basketball, back flipped in the air, and shot a laser at Sheriff Lung, who jumped up into the air and twisted so that he'd only land on the green tiles.
The game had quickly degraded after the sixth challenge. They were, of course, all happening simultaneously.
Clockblocker, still hiding behind the podium, woke up with a jerk.
"Bwuh?" He said.
"You fell asleep five minutes ago." THE TECHNO QUEEN said. "And it looks like New Wave's winning. Not surprising, seeing as they've got the mango."
Clockblocker looked at her silently for a moment, looked back at the chaos of Brockton Bay's Capes desperately trying not to find out what consequences translated to in THE TECHNO QUEEN's mind, and then shook his head.
"We're now introducing the SEVENTH CHALLENGE!" She declared and the assembled Capes groaned with dread. "Do everything you're already doing, except under water!"
A chute in the ceiling began spewing water.
"So evil…" Clockblocker sighed dreamily.
Danny Hebert was watching his daughter's game show. Well, of course he was. Nobody in North America who was watching TV was watching anything but his daughters' game show. Mostly because she'd taken over all of the channels in North America, but still.
And then he saw a flash of white behind her podium. His eyes narrowed.
He'd prepared for this day.
Calmly, Danny reached for his phone and dialed a number.
"Kurt," He said. "Gather the Union. Code Alpha Red Sun. I repeat, Code Alpha Red Sun. This is not a drill."
"And the third round goes to New Wave!" THE TECHNO QUEEN said as the assorted villains and heroes collapsed to the ground in exhausted relief. New Wave didn't even have it in themselves to cheer.
It was at this point that several hundred people wearing flu masks stormed the game show. They swarmed through the windows and doors and vents and all entrance points available with military precision. Astonishingly enough, they went right for the podium, and pulled a hero known as Clockblocker out from behind it.
"Oh, err, my nemesis! Clockblocker! What were you doing there?" THE TECHNO QUEEN desperately.
"Uh, I was, um, sneaking up on you! To attack you! Yes." He said.
"That makes sense!" She agreed.
"Totally!" He nodded.
"Enough excuses!" A tall thin man, wearing a hoody and a flu mask said, walking up to them.
THE TECHNO QUEEN stiffened at the sight of him.
"Excuse me, I think you should break to commercials, Techno Queen. We'll be right back." The man who looked to be the leader of the flu mask people said.
Clockblocker was then dragged outside of the building, looking extremely confused and kind of frightened, followed by the leader.
There was an awkward silence as everyone just stood around and waited for ten minutes. Clockblocker was soon dragged back inside. Even THE TECHNO QUEEN didn't have enough TECHNO BOTS to deal with the sheer multitude of flu mask people there.
"We're done here." The leader said, and then he and his hundreds of minions left as quickly as they had come.
"What." Miss Militia said flatly.
"I don't, I don't even." Battery stuttered.
"Does this mean that there's a new absurdly powerful villain in town or something?" Kid Win asked, confused.
Tattletale was laughing so hard that she couldn't even untangle herself from her parachute.
"Clockblocker?" THE TECHNO QUEEN asked. She waved a hand in front of her arch enemy's face.
"I… have never been so terrified in my life." He said faintly.
THE TECHNO QUEEN shrugged, figuring that if he was okay enough to speak, then he was probably fine.
"On to the bonus round!" She said.
The Capes groaned again.
7.2
"The bonus round… is a quiz!" THE TECHNO QUEEN declared, posing with her cape.
Miss Militia was honestly just happy that she wouldn't have to move around anymore. Panacea had already healed New Wave's sore muscles, the bastards.
"What!... is my favorite color?" She said.
All of the assembled Capes collectively went silent.
"How the hell are we supposed to know that?" Princess Umbra finally asked.
"Oh, oh, I know! It's red, isn't it?" Clockblocker said.
"Correct!" THE TECHNO QUEEN said, remembering Dennis's hair. She suppressed a girly sigh.
"What!... is my favorite animal?"
"Cats!" Clockblocker said.
"Correct! Cats are the favorite animal of all proper villains, after all. How is one supposed to evilly stroke a turtle as one reveals their diabolical master plan to the hero?"
"This is bullshi-"
"Shielder!" Lady Photon scolded.
"But how are we supposed to win like this? It's unfair! He's got an advantage! They'redating."
"Are not!" Said couple retorted simultaneously.
"See?" He said, gesturing to them.
"What!... is my favorite instrument?" She said, trying to distract away from Shielder.
"The flute! You told me that once!" Clockblocker said. He noticed the people pointedly staring at him. "During… one of your… villainous monologues…"
"To be fair it could have actually been that." Gallant said. "All of the dastardly speeches eventually run together."
"Correct! What!... is my favorite movie?"
Clockblocker opened his mouth to answer but was interrupted by taking a load of Gregor's goo to the face. Uh, that was, the stuff he shot out of his hands! You know, his Blaster power? Yeesh, don't be gross. Get your mind out of the gutter.
"Did you guys actually forget about us?" Leet asked, annoyed.
"Let's teach them a lesson, hmm?" Circus said, somersaulting into view.
"Is everything you say vaguely sexual?" Faultline said flatly.
"Who knows?" Circus said.
"Uh… Inglourious Basterds?" Glory Girl said.
"Vicky, not everyone loves movies unconditionally just because Nazis get mutilated in them." Panacea said patiently.
"Wrong! Guess again!"
Battery and Aegis were trying to pull Clockblocker and the goo away from each other, pulling and straining.
"Karate Kid." Sheriff Lung said confidently.
"Wonderful movie, but wrong again!"
With a sticky ripping sound Aegis crashed into the wall, Gregor's goo in his hands. Clockblocker was free.
"Megamind!" He gasped.
"Correct!"
"Dammit! Of course!" Brandish groaned.
"Brandish! No swearing in costume!" Lady Photon hissed.
"What? She quoted it once. And it's an obvious fit. Don't look at me like that!" Clockblocker defended himself from his teammates accusing gazes.
"What!... is my dream? My ambition? MY REASON FOR LIVING?"
"Love!" Gallant said.
"Your friends!" Miss Militia said.
"Evil!" Shielder said.
"Defeating the enemy!" Sheriff Lung said.
"Villainy!" Mouse Protector said.
"No, I know what it is." Clockblocker said. "You want to change the world. Change how the game's played, change villains into real capital V Villains and heroes into real Heroes. Make the world fair, balanced, less… grey. Less senseless. Under your rule, bad things will happen for areason."
THE TECHNO QUEEN smiled.
"Correct! And so the final round is over, with the Protectorate/Wards team clearly the victors! But now to decide-" She turned to Sheriff Lung and New Wave. "who will suffer the consequences."
The room was tense as Jailbird walked up and offered THE TECHNO QUEEN a hat with two slips of paper in them. She drew a slip and read it. She looked up at the heroes. Sheriff Lung glared furiously at her, as if willing her to burst into fire, and the scary thing was, he probably could do it if he really tried. THE TECHNO QUEEN came to a decision.
She turned to New Wave and drew her ray gun. They tried to escape. The entirety of Brockton Bay's villains surrounded them. They were hit.
There was brief moment of silence, before laughter broke out throughout the entirety of North America.
7.3
Brandish put on her costume and looked into the mirror. White spandex with an orange icon of crossed swords on her chest, among other details. She looked strong, she looked noble, and most importantly, she looked like a hero. If you ignored certain details, anyway…
Setting her jaw, she marched out of her bedroom. Alterations had had to be made to her costume to accommodate the new changes. She restrained from glaring at Amy when she passed through the living room. She was doing her homework. Theoretically, the girl could fix the problems that her adoptive family and herself suffered from, but the Techno Queen had made sure that there was no doubt in their minds what she would do to them if they 'cheated'. And so the problems were left alone to humiliate them.
Tattletale had snuck away from the rest of her team after the game show to assure them that the effects weren't permanent, and that there was some kind of condition that they had to fulfill and then they'd be back to normal again. She had claimed not to know what the condition was, but she'd been grinning at the time, so her credibility was more than somewhat suspect. The condition was no doubt something evil, Brandish thought with a scowl. Freaking villains.
Her sword and shield of light materializing in her hands, Brandish stubbornly walked out of the Dallon family's home to fight crime. Her tail and cat ears twitched.
You're immoral, she'd said. I have standards, she said. And also morals, she said.
Pah! What did she know? He was Sheriff Lung! One of the strongest heroes on the continent! Probably the world, actually. The Butcher was in the Birdcage thanks to him. The Fallen, too! And the Merchants! He'd taken down Nazis, for god's sake. That was about as black and white as you could get.
But nooo, he was apparently just a blood lusty barbarian, according to her. Not doing the right thing out of the so called goodness of his heart, but rather doing so just because he liked to fight. So what if he liked to fight? He could be a good person who liked to fight as well!
Just because she had beautiful yellow feather hair and knew how to use a whip and could take him down without even touching him didn't mean that her word was the end all and be all of everything ever.
He'd. Show. Her.
Taylor was not wearing her costume. She was wearing jeans, far less baggy than what she normally wore, the best pair of shoes she owned that could still be called casual (which were actually pretty nice since she was ridiculously rich now), and a nice blue sweater. She'd brushed her hair until it shone.
She was sitting on a bench by a fountain, ramrod straight, and lips a thin bloodless line on her grim face, her hands tight fists in her lap, so much so that they were white. She looked like she was staring death in the eye, prepared for a fight to the death. Passersby gave her odd looks.
Taylor Hebert was going to do something far more dangerous than fight in a battle to the death. She was going on her first date.
"Boss, please, I really don't think this is a good idea-" Felix Swoop tried.
He was abruptly silenced by Epoch's thunderous glare.
"Shut up. Because of your cowardice, we missed our chance to make our presence known during a time when Brockton Bay was most vulnerable. Don't worry, I've learned my lesson from this as well. Clearly you can't be trusted with too much responsibility alone. That's why I'm sending Thirteenth Hour with you. Do not fail me again."
Felix Swoop and Thirteenth Hour both bowed and curtsied respectively and made their way out of Epoch's chamber.
"He's just mad because his apprentice burned the coffee again." Thirteenth Hour said comfortingly, laying a hand on her teammates shoulder. "I really liked that snow globe you got me."
Felix Swoop whimpered.
7.4
"Hey, uh, Taylor." Dennis smiled brightly at her.
She sprang up from her seat like it was on fire and blushed bright red as she forced herself to smile.
"Hi, Dennis!" She chirped. Perhaps a bit… shrilly? Oh god, did she sound weird? She probably did! Dennis was used to hearing her making loud and brash speeches about taking over Brockton Bay! Oh no, oh no, oh no, she sounded ridiculous and a meteor was going to hit her and-
Dennis offered her his arm and she grabbed onto it without thinking. Taylor forced herself to take a deep breath. She had to relax. This was Dennis. He wouldn't mind if she sounded weird or anything. Right? Anyways, all she had to do was calm down and enjoy the date and everything would be fine, probably.
"What the hell is a loser like you-" Taylor's eyes widened to the size of saucers at the sound of Emma's voice. She let go of Dennis's arm, spun around, scanned her surroundings, grabbed a weapon, and threw it.
SPLAT!
The cream pie slid off Emma's gaping face.
"Oh my god," Taylor gasped. "I'm so sorry!"
"SORRY ISN'T GOING TO-" Emma began.
"Not you!" Taylor said, and turned back to the family who she had stolen the pie from. "I'm so sorry for ruining your picnic! Here, have a hundred dollars. I am so, so sorry."
Blushing and embarrassed, she grabbed a confused Dennis's arm and ran away from the scene of the crime.
Tattletale let out a sigh of relief. That had been close. Too close.
"Focus, gang! The date would have been ruined if Taylor hadn't been so quick on her feet. We're so supposed to be running damage control here!" She shook her head, her mind coming up with all of the horrible potential scenarios if Taylor's heart was broken. She shuddered.
THE DASTARDLY TECHIES, all dressed in their costumes, except also with trench coats with their collars flipped up, fedoras, huge sunglasses, and newspapers which they held in front of their faces with holes cut into them so that they could see through them. Perhaps a prolonged exposure to THE TECHNO QUEEN eventually skewed your idea of what a clever disguise was.
Brandish's eyes narrowed as she spotted a crime. Somersaulting off of the roof with cat like agility that she resented, she landed in front of the criminal.
"Stop right there!" She snapped.
"Wh-what?" The criminal said.
"Don't act dumb, criminal scum. I saw what you did. You've been caught red handed!" Brandish said, waving her sword around for emphasis.
"What?" The criminal squeaked fearfully, clearly knowing what was in store for her and her evil doing ways.
Brandish's sword pointed straight at a Thin Mints wrapper on the ground.
"Crime number one: littering." Brandish sneered at the evilness of it all. "Crime number two: eating your own product without buying it! For shame, you evil mastermind!"
The eight year old Girl Scout gaped at her.
"You have the right to remain silent." Brandish said, retrieving a pair of handcuffs from a pocket.
"Unless… you'd like to fight back?" She said, somewhat eagerly.
"Run, Scout Kathy!" A second Girl Scout said, appearing from behind a bush. "If they catch you you'll get the chair! Long live the Girl Scout Conspiracy!"
Scout Kathy saluted and ran for it. Brandish snarled and stepped after her. But then the other Girl Scout retrieved a weapon. Brandish gasped and dove for the hand holding the weapon but she was simply too far away. The Girl Scout smirked at her mockingly and turned the laser pointer on.
"WHY CAN'T I CATCH IT!?" Came an agonized scream from the alleyway.
"Don't be so nervous, Felix. Look, there's an easy mark." She pointed towards a couple obviously out on a date. They were shyly holding hands and everything. "Now let's go and terrorize them a bit, and call it a day."
Felix Swoop nodded jerkily, still looking around them for any dragon robots with a wild paranoid look in his eyes.
They stepped forward.
And were promptly tackled by a gigantic monster dog in a tailored trench coat, sunglasses, and a fedora. It held a newspaper in its huge jaws.
"Hey, did a shadow just pass by over us?" Dennis said.
"There's not a cloud in the sky," Taylor frowned.
"Eh, it was probably just our imaginations." He shrugged.
Her problem with him was that the only do-gooding he did was fighting bad guys. And so, she would obviously return his affections if he did good without fighting.
Sheriff Lung eyed the cat stuck up in the tree. Okay, he just had to-
A golden blur shot by and the cat was now safely on the ground.
"Damn you, Scion!" He roared
7.5
Sheriff Lung growled.
A woman, tripping off her balcony, plummeting to her death- snatched out of the air by that damned golden blur.
Two cars on the verge of colliding, inevitable- brought to a standstill by a golden pulse with Scion at its center.
And cats in trees? You couldforget about cats in trees. Of all the damned times for Scion to come it had to be then, didn't it? Fucker.
And then he spotted a fuzzy tail peek out of the branches of a tree. He smirked. There was still one cat left up in a tree in all of Brockton Bay then. And before he was thwarted by the Golden Man yet again, he pounced.
Those damned Girl Scouts. Brandish had only been able to escape after what felt like ages but was really probably only something under an hour. That damned red dot…
And then something that looked like a half dragon half man snatched her out of the tree she was hiding out. She screamed and materialized her weapons. He threw her to the ground. Brandish landed on her legs and looked up at him. He gave her a long measured look, and then he shrugged.
"Close enough," He said.
And then he unfurled metal wings and flapped off into the… day.
"WHAT!?" Brandish demanded.
Whether or not she'd actually been trapped up there (she blushed), Brandish swore revenge on that man.
Thirteenth Hour activated her power. Which was actually kind of useless, she reflected bitterly. Sure, it'd be a different story if she wasn't affected as well, but she was, so it was still a pretty crappy power.
She didn't know how much time had passed when they were all broken out of the trance, but she assumed the answer wasn't all that important seeing as she and Felix Swoop were tied up and facing down a bunch of weirdoes in trench coats.
"Wow, seriously? That's a really shitty power." One of them, wearing a scarf, said.
"I know," Thirteenth Hour sighed.
"I told you it was a bad idea to come here." Felix Swoop said. "All of the Capes here are utterly insane. I think it's something in the water."
"I take offense at that." One of them, a pretty boy, said.
"Why are you guys even doing this?" Thirteenth Hour demanded.
"Us Parahumans in Brockton Bay here appreciate romance. A lot. So if you go around and try to ruin anyone's date here again we'll make you regret, see?" One of them with a knowing grin threatened.
"Understood! Understood! Just, please, let us go!"
The one with the skull helmet thoughtfully tapped the chin of his helmet for a moment, as if carefully considering this suggestion.
"All right…" The Adepts began to cheer. "On one condition."
Shit.
"Did we really need-" Jailbird said.
"Yes. We really did need eight garbage bags full of Brockton Bay snow globes." Grue said with finality.
"To be fair, these are some pretty sweet snow globes." The Dark Vizier remarked.
"I just don't see why we had to force those poor villains to buy them for us. I mean, have you seen our wages?" The Velvet Villain asked.
"Can't talk, too busy shaking globe." Bitch said, watching the mesmerizing snowflakes fall over the miniature Brockton Bay.
"Jailbird," a gigantic dragon man suddenly descended upon their group. "I saved a cat from a tree. Or a woman. A cat woman. Whatever. What matters is, it was kind of furry, stuck up in a tree, and I brought it down from the tree. Before Scion."
"Congrats," She drawled. "Have a snow globe."
"… Really?"
"No. These are mysnow globes. Go buy some of your own! And you're going to have to do better than that!"
Imp made kissy noises and Regent snickered.
"How did he even recognize her while she was wearing that disguise?" Tattletale asked, mystified. And that really meant something, seeing as she absolutely resented asking questions herself.
Grue shrugged.
"New Wave!" Brandish called out in the Pelham family living room.
"Aunt Carol? What are you doing here?" Crystal asked.
"Amy's at the hospital, Victoria's with her boyfriend, and Mark's off fooling around with his… alterations." She said bitterly. "So you guys were my last chance."
"Wow, auntie, I'm flattered that we're so high up on your list." Eric said flatly.
"Shut up and get in costume. Also, where are your parents?"
"Uh, they're in the bedroom, um, exploring their new changes togeth-" Crystal grimaced.
"Say no more! Dear god woman, say no more!" Brandish covered her ears. Unfortunately, she wasn't able to cover her usual ones and the furry ones on the top of her head at the same time.
"Hey, you think you're disgusted?" Eric raised an eyebrow. "You're not the one who saw what they took out from the fridge, which was-"
"CRYSTAL, STOP HIM!" Brandish shrieked, frantically twisting her arms to try and find a position that completely covered all four of her ears.
"Already on it!" She said.
She threw a stick into the kitchen. Eric's doggy ears shot straight up, rigid.
"Damn you, Crystal!" He growled.
"Fetch, boy, fetch!" She smirked.
Eric knocked over the coffee table and several other pieces of furniture in his frantic chase for the stick.
"You know there are some benefits to this whole animal attributes thing." Crystal said, leaning back on the sofa.
"Yes, and the cons far outweigh the pros, so shut up. Now go and get in costume and help me beat up Sheriff Lung. Or the Girl Scouts. Whichever."
"What?"
"Want to go to the fair?" Dennis asked.
"Yeah, okay," Taylor smiled at him.
They were still holding hands.
7.6
"Oh my god," Chris said. "Fucking finally."
"What?" Missy asked, her and the others looking up from their cotton candy/phones.
"I told him. I told him so fucking many times. She's just your type, Dennis. You'll love her. But nooo. It's always 'I've got to go to the dentist, Chris', or 'I have a doctor's appointment, Chris', or 'I'm sorry but Colin just called to tell me that there's a villain in town who's power is perfectly negated by mine, I have to go before he kills someone'. Excuses and more excuses. And look at that!"
The ranting Tinker wildly gestured at who Missy realized was Dennis, walking hand in hand and chatting happily with a girl with long curly dark hair, glasses, and a big goofy smile. They looked adorable. And also really fucking familiar.
"Uh." Missy said.
"Oh shit," Lily said. Missy assumed it was because she realized that she'd just seen THE TECHNO QUEEN's secret identity, but she was then reminded of her friends and teammates occasional bouts of unexplained stupidity by then saying: "What if the Techno Queen finds out?"
"Bet he's been dating Taylor Hebert behind our backs for ages." Chris muttered resentfully, glaring at the happy couple.
"We have to stop this!" Browbeat (she couldn't remember his actual name) said. "Before she finds out and turns everyone into, fuck if I know, fish? Something like that. Sabotage, ho!"
"All this time, all of that effort, trying to get them together, wasted." Chris continued, narrowing his eyes.
"Why did you bastards drag me along for this?" Sophia asked for the millionth time that day, god, would she just, like, shut up? "You hate me. I hate you. We've got a good thing going on."
"For the last time, it's because Hannah wanted us to do a team bonding exercise!" Browbeat repeated himself, also for the millionth time that day.
"Then why does Dean get to skive off to go and play sugar daddy with his girlfriend?" She said sulkily.
"Maybe because everyone on this team already likes him, and also Victoria threatened to mount a siege on the PRT building if he wasn't allowed to take her out to the movies today." Browbeat said.
"I don't like him." Sophia muttered.
"Nobody cares what you think." Chris said. "And seriously, I've been trying to set them up since forever! And then he gets together with her and doesn't even tell me?"
"Wait, what was that last one?" Missy asked, startled out of her stupor.
"A siege, Missy, do try to keep up." Browbeat said.
"Yes, now back to the important stuff. Even out of uniform, we're still heroes. The fate of Brockton Bay, nay, the world depends upon us. As some guy said a while ago, Sabotage, ho!" Lily said.
"I said that." Browbeat grumbled, and was ignored.
"I don't think that's such a good ide-" Her team had already gone ahead without her. Sighing, Missy jogged after them. This could only end in disaster.
"You guys, promised that we'd go to the horror house after the tea cups ride." Sophia complained. And nobody cared.
"There he is- Shielder, stop growling at me!" Brandish said.
"Sorry, sorry. It's just… you're a…"
"A cat woman." Brandish sighed. "It's fine, just get yourself under control, Shielder. We have a dragon to arrest."
"But isn't he a hero now?" Laserdream asked. "I don't think we're allowed to arrest him anymore."
"Pfft. As if. Oh, sure, he beats up mainly villains now, but just you wait and see. If we shadow him for long enough we'll catch him pushing little old ladies into man holes, or twirling his moustache, or something." Brandish said darkly.
"He doesn't have a moustache." Shielder pointed out quite reasonably.
Laserdream worried sometimes that her aunt's world view was perhaps a little bit too black and white.
"Oh my god," Thirteenth Hour said.
"I know," Felix Swoop said.
"I've never been so terrified in my life." She whimpered.
"Iknow,"
"We can't do this. We're not strong enough. The Capes here are just too insane."
"I know!"
"But we can't go back to the Adepts." She said. "Epoch would kill us."
"I know…"
"But where could we stay where he couldn't hurt us?" She despaired.
"I don't know."
"But I do!" Thirteenth Hour said, insight hitting over the head like a mallet. "Nobody could defeat these Brockton Bay lunatics. Not even Epoch."
Felix Swoop's mouth fell open into a horrified gape.
"Oh, I know, Felix, I know. But we don't have any other choice. Maybe if we stopped being Capes, just began being civilians here…"
"Then Epoch would still find us. He knows our secret identities."
"Yes, but the local Capes would leave us alone, except if it were to save innocent old us, just a couple of harmless civilians, from that evil Epoch." Thirteenth Hour said.
Despite having a monstrously bad feeling about this, Felix Swoop couldn't stop himself from nodding in agreement when she looked him in the eyes.
"I don't get it." Brandish said. "He's not doing anything at all!"
"He's just kind of… moping around." Shielder said.
"Hanging his head. Frowning distantly in the air. Skipping stones on the park's pond while emotional music plays in the background. I think he's having relationship problems." Laserdream said.
"What." Brandish said.
"Oh, I know how that feels like." Shielder said sympathetically. "Maybe we should go down there and cheer him up."
"Give him a good ol' pep talk to raise his spirits, help him concoct a wacky scheme to convince his crush that he really does love her/is better than the jock/actually didn't cheat on her and it was just a contrived misunderstanding." Laserdream went on.
"No seriously, what?" Brandish asked.
"You know, Laser, not everything is a chick flick." Shielder said.
"Shut up." Laserdream said.
Brandish groaned and face palmed. Perhaps she should have tried harder to convince her husband to join her instead.
Flashback
"Mark, we have to seek vengeance! Just think about those damned Girl Scouts, their crimes going unchecked by the authorities because of bribes and laziness. Littering, bribe, theft… there really isn't any depths those criminals wouldn't stoop to."
"I'm sorry, Carol, could you repeat yourself? I couldn't quite hear you over the sound of me being a freaking CENTAUR! WOO!"
Back to the present
Or perhaps not. Maybe she'd been right to back slowly out of the room at that point. It was creepy to see her husband so cheerful.
She turned to tell her niece and nephew off, but all she saw was an empty roof. She turned back to Sheriff Lung and saw them talking to him. Cursing, she made a mad scramble towards them.
"… And that's when you arrive at the airport, soaked from the rain that you had to run through to get there just in the nick of time, carrying a boom box playing her favorite song, and you punch that damned bully out and explain to her that that was just your crazy ex trying to get back together with you after she saw that you've finally moved on from her, because you love her so much and then-"
Sheriff Lung looked extremely confused, but at least he wasn't murdering her sister's children like Brandish knew that he really wanted to deep down in his black sinful villainy heart. The bastard.
Brandish darted forward and slung the both of them over her shoulders and ran away before it was too late.
"Forget what she said! Just tell her how you really feel and be respectful!" Shielder hollered.
Laserdream punched him on his arm.
The Velvet Villain narrowed her eyes as a sleazy looking man sized up Taylor and began walking up to her. He immediately stopped when what appeared to be a teddy bear mascot walked up to him and tapped his shoulder.
"What?" The sleazy man said, turning around, glaring at the Velvet Villain's creation.
PIE TO THE FACE!
She didn't notice the group of bickering teenagers closing in on the oblivious happy couple…
7.7
Browbeat morphed into a random person and tried to act like one of the couple's spiteful past exes to ruin the date (Taylor or Dennis, he didn't much care. Actually he was kind of leaning towards being Dennis's ex because that would be absolutely hilarious), but then was intercepted by a blond woman with freckles in a trench coat and a fedora, holding a newspaper.
"Hi there," She said flirtatiously.
Perhaps it would have worked, Browbeat was especially susceptible to seduction after all, since it happened so rarely to him. But she looked like she was going to vomit as she said it, so it wasn't really that effective. Also, there was that other reason.
He tried to walk around her.
"Girls!" The blond one barked, and a swarm of pretty girls in trench coats appeared just like that.
"How did they change out of costume so quick?" The blond one wondered to herself. Browbeat didn't quite understand what she meant. Were they carnies, perhaps? Did she mean how quickly they put on the trench coat getup?
They took one look at him.
"Can't, in a relationship." A dark skinned one with a really familiar voice said.
"Can't, also in a relationship. And also gay." Said a Middle Eastern looking one.
"Can't, I'm… interested in someone." Said a girl that… wow, either that yellow feathery hair style was more common than he thought or-
"I don't have an excuse." The girl with three dogs also wearing trench coats, fedoras, and newspapers said reluctantly.
The blond girl hummed thoughtfully and looked between the two of them.
"No, there's no chemistry." She said with disappointment. Her eyes widened to the size of plates. "Wait. WAIT! BOYS!"
"Well, if Aisha would allow it…" A pretty boy with black curls said, grinning suggestively and when did he get there.
"Seriously, how do you guys change clothes so quickly?" The blond one asked.
Browbeat couldn't stop himself from blushing, and the blond girl whooped, punching the air victoriously.
"Sorry babe, but I don't like to share!" The familiar girl hugged the pretty boy. He didn't seem too upset at this. At all.
"I don't even care. God, I love being right!" The blond one spun in a circle. "Brian?"
"Um, I don't really swing that way…" A really fit black boy (in a trench coat, of course) said.
"Think about your friend's happiness, Brian! Think about the fate of Brockton Bay."
"Still no."
"You are the most selfish person ever."
"And I'm okay with that."
"Ugh, I guess we'll just have to be boring about it and use this knockout gas we stole from Taylor."
"Wait, wha-"
Danny knocked on the door.
A nice newly married couple had just moved in next door, and he wanted to make a good first impression.
A smiling woman wearing a frilly pink apron and pearls answered the door. Strangely enough, she was also wearing a nametag that said Hi! I am: a civilian.
"Hi there! I'm Trixie Civilian! My husband who is totally my husband, Felix Civilian has got his hands full right now, I'm sad to say! How do you do?"
Ah, well, perhaps that explained the nametag? Like a little joke, maybe? Yeah, that made sense.
"Pleasure to meet you, I'm Danny Hebert. I would've introduced you to my daughter but I'm afraid that she's out on her… part time job."
"Why, I bet she most certainly is! Because that is something that civilians do."
"Yes…" Danny agreed uncertainly.
"Is that a pie?"
"Oh! Yes, I brought this as a gift…"
"Thank you so much, fellow civilian-"
"Why are those birds on fire!?"
"MY HUSBAND'S A PYROMANIAC AND AN ANIMAL ABUSER! GET OFF OUR PROPERTY!"
She slammed the door in his face. She hadn't even taken the pie!
"Why the hell hasn't Browbeat made his move yet?" Lily hissed, spying at the still happy couple.
"Who?" Chris asked.
"I… don't actually remember. Huh. Eh, it's probably nothing. Now then, it's time to set a plan in motion. Don't know why we didn't do that before but… meh. Okay, any volunteers?"
"You." Sophia glared.
"No need to be so crabby about it, geez. Fine, I'll do it. Just you wait and see how a master does it."
She walked towards the couple. A Middle Eastern girl in a trench coat tackled her to the ground. Lily did not seem too upset about this development.
"Err… any other takers?" Chris asked uncertainly.
While he wasn't completely sure of the New Wave children's advice, it had certainly given him confidence.
"Let's get married."
Maybe a little bittoo much.
"No." Jailbird said flatly.
"Let's get engaged." He tried.
"No." She rejected.
"Let's consider it." He attempted.
"No." She deadpanned.
"Let's go steady." He suggested.
"No." She snapped.
"Let's go on and off." He asked.
"No." She snarled.
"Let's go on a date." He said.
"No." She growled.
"…" He couldn't think of anything else that he actually wanted.
"… But you can have a snow globe. Persistent bastard." She handed him one from her bag, face turned away so that he couldn't see her expression. But the tips of her ears were distinctly red.
He hoisted it into the air like a trophy, and she punched his thigh, as that was the only place which she could reach. He was pretty powered up. Turned out that trying to woo someone was super hard.
This was stupid. She didn't even care that much about Taylor anymore-
NO. MUSTN'T THINK LIKE THAT, OR ELSE THE THERAPIST WILL WIN. MUST HOLD ONTO RAGE.
"Man, I wish there was someone around who was good at fighting but whom I could also talk about My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic with without fearing judgment. If only there was a special girl out there like that…" A muscly black guy in a trench coat sighed wistfully, staring off into the distance. "And who also wanted to go and visit the horror house with me."
Sophia twitched.
"That was a really stupid thing you did back there, Shielder, Laserdream." Shielder said tersely.
"Stupid like a fox." Laserdream boasted.
"You know I hate puns, Laserdream." Shielder moaned.
"You know, I've always wanted to be a redhead." She grinned, twirling a red strand with her fingers, a red tipped with white ear twitching when Shielder blew on it in revenge.
"Augh! That tickles!" Laserdream squealed, backing away from him. "Stop it!"
"Well, what else am I supposed to do-"
"Smell some butts, lick some faces, poop on the sidewalk, pee on a fire hydrant, hump a leg-"
"-that isn't completely and utterly humiliating while we wait for auntie to be done with it already. Seriously, dogs are gross."
"You know how much she likes victory dances."
"I wouldn't call accidentally throwing one's nephew into a batch of Girl Scout cookies being shipped off a victory, exactly. Seriously, she could have killed me!"
"Oh lay off it, you big baby. She knew that you had your super awesome shield powers and your super lame flying powers."
"Doesn't mean that she should go around throwing me off of rooftops!"
"To be fair you were trying to bite her."
"A lapse in control!"
"Still," Laserdream said, turning back to her aunt, gleefully dancing and pointing at the crying Girl Scouts. "I guess you do kinda' have a point about the dancing. She's been doing that for, like, twenty minutes or something. Way to rub it in, auntie."
"Yeah, and- REPORTER!"
The reporter's camera was summarily smashed.
"Nobody will ever believe you." Laserdream whispered ominously into his ear before they flew off into the sunset. Completely abandoning their aunt.
"Okay, so Sophia has mysteriously disappeared as well. No need to panic. I can do this." Chris muttered to himself, trying to encourage himself, and badly at that.
And then a girl with strawberry blond hair and a blocky face walked up to him purposefully, three dogs trailing loyally behind her. She looked familiar, but he couldn't quite tell with that trench coat, fedora, and newspaper obscuring her. What a clever disguise.
She walked right up until she was uncomfortably close to him, and then she deliberately turned halfway away from him, so that he could only see her profile.
"If only there were a boy I could talk to who also liked coding, but wasn't so inherently good at it because of random circumstances that he can't do anything about, so he had to work hard at it, like me. Oh, if only." She said, and it couldn't have been more obvious that she was reciting something someone had told her to say.
And yet, he still bit.
Yesss, everything was going according to plan. The Wards had unsurprisingly leapt to some pretty stupid assumptions, but she'd been able to organize events so that they'd defeated them with love. And knockout gas. Whatever. She would have been able to get Browbeat too if they'd just had a compatible boy… Damn the LaBornes and their selfish ways. Well, no matter. Lisa would make sure that the next time something like that happened she'd have someone on hand. Even if it wouldn't be on her own team.
Lisa cackled as a plan began to come to fruition in her mind. Quietly, of course. So as not to alert the happy couple whom she was still tailing to her presence.
Dennis whispered something into Taylor's ear, who laughed.
Lisa smiled.
And so, all of Missy's friends had ominously disappeared one by one. Maybe taking that approached hadn't been the smartest. Yeaaaah, she was not above abandoning them.
Missy turned tail and ran.
Dinah Alcott pouted. She'd been looking forward to her turn, damn it! Knockout gas was awesome.
7.8
"I'm so booored." Assault groaned on the Protectorate break room couch. "Why don't we ever have any wacky adventures like the Wards do?"
"Less wacky adventures, more having our bodies be used as playthings." Aegis muttered, pouring himself a cup of coffee.
"The only time we ever have any fun is when THE TECH- oof!" He was interrupted by his wife's elbow slamming into his side.
"Illegal to say her name," Battery said, but Assault knew that truly she really only wanted any excuse she could find to make him shut up. The barbarian.
"Stop making me out to be a monster in your head, dear." She said.
She could read minds!?
"No, you're doing that thing where you say everything you're thinking again, honey." She turned a page in the newspaper she was reading.
Hmm, he really had to kick that habit sometime. Maybe there was some kind of group support thing, like AA, except for crazy people?
"Not gonna' dignify that with a response, angel." Battery said.
"Right, right. Anyways. The only time we ever have any fun is when-" Battery raised her elbow, the threat clear, "- the Techno Queen 'invites' us to her… things."
"Your definition of fun is dysfunctional, then." Aegis said.
"DID SOMEBODY SAY THEY WERE BORED!?" A booming voice suddenly cut in, a poof of smoke appearing in the middle of the room.
Battery folded her newspaper before she sighed and stood up.
"What." She deadpanned.
"YOU ARE RIGHT TO FEAR ME, IMPUDENT LITTLE HERO. THE REST OF YOUR LITTLE FRIENDS ARE BEING GATHERED UP BY MY TECHNO BOTS AS WE SPEAK! MWAHAHAHA!"
"Sometimes, when you wish upon a star, it really does come true." Assault said happily.
Aegis managed to punch him in the face before they were kidnapped.
They came to on a baseball field.
"I don't know who's fault this is-" Armsmaster began.
"It's Assault's." Aegis said.
Armsmaster punched said hero in the face.
"Oh come on!" Assault complained.
"Well, I was going to make a speech about how we shouldn't be playing the blaming game and should instead work together to survive whatever twisted game the Techno Queen has come up with this time, but now that we know whose fault this actually is I don't really have a plan. Unless of course anyone has any tar or feather on them?" Armsmaster said, glaring at Assault.
"Friends, friends! Stop it! This is what she wants us to do." Mouse Protector came between them. "We must come together and fight valiantly in this trying time."
"In other words, stop being such assholes." Battery said. "I hit him enough on my own anyways."
"It's an abusive relationship!" Assault said.
"We both know you could easily dodge me if you wanted to." She said dismissively. "Did it often enough as Madcap, anyways."
"What?" Triumph asked.
"Nothing!"
"PROTECTORATE!" A booming voice rang out over the stadium "THIS IS THE TECHNO QUEEN!"
"No, really?" Aegis muttered.
"IT HAS COME TO MY ATTENTION THAT YOU ARE BORED. I, OF COURSE, SHALL REMEDY THIS, EXCEPT IN THE MOST EVIL WAY IMAGINABLE. MWAHAHA!"
Assault was punched again. It wasn't clear by whom.
"AND SO, YOU SHALL BE FORCED TO PLAY BASEBALL! WITH VILLAINS! AND IF YOU LOSE, YOU WILL HAVE TO GIVE ME ONE MILLION DOLLARS! MWAHAHA!"
"I don't actually know how to play baseball." Triumph said shiftily. "I was always more of a runner."
"I do not have time to waste on such trivialities." Armsmaster said.
"Not much baseball where I come from." Miss Militia said. "But we did have a great game called Fetch the Water. Is it anything like that?"
"You know, just because I'm a Brute doesn't mean I'm a jock." Aegis said.
"I only know justice!" Mouse Protector said.
"No." Battery said.
"What a boring answer," Assault remarked.
"Oh, so you know better?" Battery raised an eyebrow.
"Uh…"
"Yeah, I thought so."
There was an awkward silence.
"I… THINK STRIKES ARE INVOLVED? AND, LIKE, HITTING A BAT WITH A BALL?" THE TECHNO QUEEN said.
"We'll just wing it." Miss Militia said reassuringly.
"OKAY. SORRY. I DIDN'T REALLY PREPARE FOR THIS, AS I LITERALLY STARTED THE MOMENT ASSAULT COMPLAINED."
"Ow!" Assault rubbed his arm.
"Great, the place is bugged again." Armsmaster grumbled.
"ENTER THE VILLAINS!"
There was a poof of smoke on the other side of the field.
"… Faultline's Crew?" Triumph asked.
"And Evil Dragon?" Armsmaster asked.
"She paid us a hefty sum." Faultline said.
"I'm here to make the numbers even." Evil Dragon said.
"I THOUGHT YOU'D LIKE TO FIGHT ADULTS." THE TECHNO QUEEN said.
"'Tis might thoughtful of you, foul fiend! But in our absence, who shall guard the lawless streets?" Mouse Protector queried.
"UH…"
"Hand over the purse, granny!" The thief snarled, brandishing his knife.
"Not so fast!" A baritone called out.
"Wha-" The thief was interrupted by Über's fist smashing into his skimasked face. The thief crumpled to the ground, clutching his bleeding nose.
"Okay Leet, I think he's lost enough hit points!" Über shouted.
"Excellent!" And then Leet threw a red and white ball at the thief.
To the old lady's astonishment, the thief dematerialized into a white light and was absorbed by the vaguely familiar red and white ball. A button on it blinked for a few minutes, and the two Parahumans watched it closely, tension thick in the air. She dared scarcely to breathe. And then the button stopped blinking, and the two Capes high fived.
"Another innocent life, saved by Über and Leet!" Leet wooped.
"Did you catch that, Snitch?" Über asked a flying camera drone. It flew an affirmative looking loop.
"Best gig ever!" Leet crowed.
"And also best paid gig ever," Über agreed.
"Are you okay, ma'am?" Leet asked dutifully.
The old woman screamed and ran out of the alley, arthritis or no.
"SOMEONE WHO IS TOTALLY QUALIFIED FOR IT?"
"Yeah, that sounds reassuring." Aegis snarked.
"Wait, what about the Wards?" Miss Militia asked.
Sabah smirked as Lily clutched at her arm. She'd already seen this movie, so she knew when the jump scares came. One, two, three…
"Eek!" Lily squeaked, and practically burrowed into her side.
Ah, yes, this was Sunday all right.
Elsewhere…
"HAND OVER GALLANT THIS INSTANT!" Glory Girl roared.
"Never! It's his turn to patrol!" Director Piggot snarled into her megaphone.
"I DEMAND HE BE TURNED OVER FOR A ROMANTIC DATE OR ELSE THIS SIEGE IS GOING TO TURN INTO A WAR, LADY!"
"Bring it on!"
"AUNTIE PHOTON! RELEASE THE BEARPOWER!"
Lady Photon slapped her husband on one furry shoulder.
"Have fun dear! And if you do well, we'll have honey for dinner again."
The PRT agents were deployed.
Elsewhere…
Browbeat narrowed his eyes as he closed in on the kill.
Fear made them stand up and pay attention. Fear made them remember.
Vista yowled when she sat down on the tack.
Elsewhere…
"Wanna' play some video games?" Kid Win asked Clockblocker.
"We can't. Princess Umbra's got the TV again. She's doing a My Little Pony marathon again for the millionth time."
"It is weird how obsessed she is with that show."
"Definitely. Hey, do you have a feeling like something's missing? I feel like there's someone I haven't seen yet, today."
"What? No. You're probably just hungry."
"Yeah, you're right." Clockblocker said.
In the end, they went and bought ice cream and snow globes.
"I DUNNO, WHY ARE YOU ASKING ME?"
"What about your minions?" Triumph asked.
"I will set you on fire, I swear to god!" Jailbird shouted.
"But I'm the one who's a pyrokinetic. And also basically fire proof." Sheriff Lung said.
"I don't care! Now stand still while I douse you with gasoline!"
"I wasn't even doing anything. I was just inside watching television, and then you came and knocked on my door and began throwing gasoline on me." He tried reason, foolishly.
"Shut up! It's not as if I was thinking about you or anything! Do you have any matches?"
"… In the kitchen."
Elsewhere…
Imp walked into the PRT Director's office. Normally, she'd be here to do some kind of funny prank, but this time she was here on Tattletale's orders. Something about matchmaking. She could get behind that. And anyways, Tattletale and manipulation was involved. It was bound to be funny, just in a more long term way rather than a short term way.
She typed in the computer password Tattletale had had her memorize, and then emailed a request to Head Director Costa Brown for a transfer.
She cackled.
Elsewhere…
Bitch scratched behind Mister Snugglekiller's ear, and his leg thumped the ground like a rabbit. She always did love to babysit dogs for friends. And dogs in general. It was kind of weird that it was a TECHNO BOT that dropped the puppy off, but she shrugged it off.
And the automatic laser gun defense collar was really cool.
Elsewhere…
"Can we watch something besides My Little Pony?" Lisa asked Brian.
"No. You know the rules. Every times there's a marathon on, I get to watch it. And it's My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic. Huge difference."
"Queenie only let you make that rule because she'd just come back from a date with Clockblocker."
"It's still a rule. And Dinah's enjoying it."
"Dinah's twelve."
Elsewhere…
"I'M SO ALONE!" Alec cried out despairingly. "Meh. Guess I'll just take a nap or something."
He was snoring within a minute.
"ENOUGH! VILLAINS, TO THE BATTER POSITION!"
Newter took on a pair of gloves, and then grasped the bat. He looked determined. That quickly changed, of course, when Miss Militia walked up to the thrower position and loaded the baseball into a rocket launcher.
"Uh, isn't that against the rules?" His voice cracked.
"AS I DO NOT HAVE A RULE BOOK CURRENLTLY ON ME, NEWTER, WE'LL HAVE TO ASSUME IT ISN'T!" THE TECHNO QUEEN said.
The rocket launcher fired, and Newter immediately and desperately threw himself onto the ground. Still, he could feel the ball graze his hair, like a bullet merely inches away from murdering him. At Miss Militia's next two shots, he didn't even try to stand up from his position, hugging the ground for all he was worth.
Next up was Assault, who casually picked up the baseball. He held it straight out in front of him, and without throwing it, the ball shot straight away from his hand towards the catcher. But Gregor the Snail merely spat a huge glob of… whatever it was he spat, on the ball. Assault pouted.
After that Battery grabbed the ball. She stood still in a throwing position, charging. Suddenly and without warning, she sprang into action, throwing it faster that the eye could follow. But unfortunately for her Faultline was ready, and had taken off her shirt before she was done charging. Faultline tried to cover as much of the wall behind her as possible with her bare skin which she applied her power to. The ball hit her left shoulder, and exploded into fine dust and fragments. She smirked.
There was a tad trouble when it was Aegis's turn to throw. He threw the ball so hard his shoulder dislocated, but he didn't care. Spitfire barely dodged it and glared ferociously at him. She decided that she wouldn't be letting him pull a fast one on her again (he still had one arm left, after all), and so as he readied himself to throw his next ball, she set him on fire. After five tense minutes THE TECHNO QUEEN judged that it was all right, to much disagreement from the Protectorate, and much smugness from the villains.
Somehow, Shamrock managed to hit all three balls Triumph threw, despite how much he used his powers. No one knew how.
Mouse Protector also managed to successfully throw all three of her balls, each one with an accompanying ten minute speech about how light would always triumph over the darkness. Labyrinth just kind of stood there and watched the clouds while a flower field slowly began to grow around her.
"Give it up, Armsmaster!" Faultline called from the sidelines. "Even if you somehow miraculously manage three hits, the heroes will still lose! We've got four wins to your two!"
"Can I? Thank god, I don't even know how to hold a bat at a-" Armsmaster said.
"He'll never give up!" Mouse Protector shouted. "He's a hero!"
"No, what I mean to say is, even if he manages, you'll still lose. It's two to four. It is literally impossible for you guys to win now."
"Hey, isn't there, like, bases or something involved with baseball? Running?" Spitfire asked.
"Shut up, Spitfire." Faultline hissed.
"OH, HEY, YEAH, I THINK SHE'S RIGHT." THE TECHNO QUEEN said. "HEY, ARMSMASTER, IF YOU CAN RUN AROUND THE COURT WITHOUT BEING CAUGHT BY THE VILLAINS, I'LL GIVE YOU AN EXTRA POINT."
Faultline smacked Spitfire up her head.
"An extra point. Making it a draw." Aegis said.
"Calling for a bonus round." Triumph shuddered.
"AT LEAST IT WON'T BE AS BAD AS WHAT I'VE GOT PLANNED FOR THE LOSERS."
"… Armsmaster, I'm not normally one to say stuff like this, but if you don't throw all three balls like a pro and run around the court like a lunatic I will repeatedly shoot you in the genitals with a BB gun." Miss Militia said calmly.
Armsmaster gaped at her. Shakily, he picked up a baseball and threw it. It went high and slow, an easy hit if there ever was one. Evil Dragon with her perfect calculation ought to hit it easily. She missed by a wide margin.
Miss Militia smirked underneath her scarf. Her plan was going perfectly. Not that she wouldn't have done that BB gun thing, of course.
Spitfire shook her head. Didn't those guys know that it was the guy with the baseball bat that was supposed to run around the field like a lunatic before being dogpiled by the enemy? And then she thought there was something about fours and… touchdowns, or whatever the hell it was sports people called it. Amateurs.
Evil Dragon then proceeded to horribly miss the next two balls. Newter dived for Armsmaster. Battery tackled him. And of course, immediately conked out. Assault went for Faultline, who then had to retreat for the sake of his honor, as she then proceeded to shred his clothes. Labyrinth just kind of stood there, smiling vaguely at the pretty flower field around her. Miss Militia threw a flash grenade, which stunned the rest of the villains and most of the heroes as well, while she was at it. But that didn't matter. Because Armsmaster had his halberd with him.
And Armsmaster was never unprepared when he had his halberd with him.
Pressing a discreet button on the handle, the halberd folded out into… into…
Somewhere miles away, a young Ward screamed "BULLSHIT!" for no reason he could decipher.
Armsmaster mounted his motorcycle.
He won. Obviously.
"AND NOW FOR THE BONUS ROUND! SHIT, I DON'T ACTUALLY HAVE AN IDEA FOR THE BONUS ROUND."
"You do know that the mic is still on, right, your majesty?" Evil Dragon said.
There was a brief silence that nonetheless had an unmistakable embarrassed quality to it.
"THIS GAME IS OVER! AND YOU GET TO WALK HOME."
"Whatever." Faultline said. "We'll just pay for some cabs with the ridiculous amount of money she gave us."
"I guess I'll drive home." Armsmaster said.
Miss Militia had always believed that actions spoke louder than words. She pointed her rocket launcher down at the ground, jumped up into the air, and fired it at an angle. She shot into the air, and then when gravity began to take its hold again, she just began shooting again and again, in the direction of the Docks.
"That is going to cause a lot of property damage." Battery said. "But yeah, I'm a Mover. See ya!"
Assault waved cheerily and followed after her.
"I believe I can fly, I believe I can touch the sky~" Aegis hummed, skipping along down on the ground- NO OF COURSE NOT HE WAS FLYING YOU IDIOT.
Mouse Protector followed after him, teleporting right after him every few meters, dropping through the sky, having tagged him just before he took to the air.
"Well," Triumph said. "I guess that just leaves me to walk then."
"I could give you a ride in my hovercraft." Evil Dragon said. "Just as long you don't tell the press. I am a super villain, after all."
"Of course," Triumph smiled. "And thanks."
"You're welcome. And why did no one think to just, like, Google baseball rules or something. I know I did."
"Meh," Triumph shrugged. "We could take it."
7.9
Cole shifted nervously. He didn't know why he was being transferred from Miami. They'd made some vague excuses about Brockton Bay being outnumbered by the local villains, but he'd checked the numbers, and it was only by two. One, now that he was being transferred. Personally, he suspected it was because of his power being so… not PR friendly. They were getting rid of him.
He tried to pretend to himself that that didn't sting.
The car came to stop and he exited, walking into the PRT lobby. Unusually, the Wards HQ would be in the same building as the PRT HQ, instead of the Protectorate one, which was a twenty minute drive/ferry ride away.
"Hello!" A young female voice said right next to him.
He just about jumped out of his skin, and spun around to see a young girl in a green costume. A teammate.
"How-"
"Mover rating," She said dismissively, grabbing his hand and shaking it. "Name's Vista, pleasure to meet you!"
"I-"
"Hi," Said another female voice, right behind him, this one significantly less peppy.
"Gah!" He yelped, spinning around to see a dark skinned girl in a very girly costume looking at him nonchalantly.
"Mover rating," She explained.
"Right-"
"New guy!" Another voice said, this time male, and this time a-freaking-bove him!
He looked up to see a teenage boy on a hoverboard, almost definitely a Tinker. That one didn't even need an explanation.
"I-"
"Hey!" Yet another boy said IN FRONT OF HIM WHEN DID THAT HAPPEN.
"A teleporter!?" He said, quite calmly considering the circumstances.
"No, I snuck up on you while you were distracted and froze you." The boy in the white clock themed costume said.
Cole looked to the side to see Hoverboard Guy and Vista playing cards.
"You were out for like ten minutes or something." Another girl with a crossbow said, breathing into his ear in an extremely creepy fashion.
He flinched away and she triumphantly punched the air.
"The necessary secondary power of perfect timing strikes again!" She cheered.
"Are we bullying the new recruit now?" A guy in Tinker tech armor said, walking up to them like a normal person, thank god. Cole didn't think his heart could handle anymore shocks.
"But he makes it so easy," Clock Guy said. "It's fun to not be the one being pranked for once. Stupid… what's his face."
"Brow… beat?" Vista corrected him uncertainly.
"Yeah, where is he, by the way?" Perfect Timing Girl asked.
Cole watched curiously as the Wards as one all gazed around the lobby with the scrutiny one would typically reserve for a high level Stranger.
"I'm…pretty sure he's not here." Hoverboard Guy said, noticeably not very confidently.
"Right," Tinker Tech Armor Guy said. "Anyways. I'm Gallant, this is Vista, Princess Umbra, Kid Win, our 'fearless leader' Clockblocker-"
"I saw those air quotes!"
"-and Flechette. It's a pleasure to meet you. What's your name?"
"Oh, um, I'm Crucible." He stuttered, shrinking in on himself at all of the eyes turning on him at once, trying to hold onto the barrage of names in his head.
"What's your power?" Princess Umbra asked bluntly.
"I can contain people or items in a bubble shaped force field…" He trailed off, unsure if he should tell them about the other part of his power. His old teammates hadn't needed to know, so these ones probably wouldn't either. Would they be mad if they ever found out? He forced himself away from that train of thought.
"Oh, my power is-" Kid Win began but was abruptly interrupted by the lobby doors being slammed very loudly open.
"NEW MEAT!" A man wearing spandex cheered, before zooming impossibly fast across the lobby floor towards Cole.
He's going to tackle me, Cole realized with a distant sort of horror. And then another blur tackled the man in the spandex instead to the ground, violently.
"And so our wise and responsible betters make their appearance." Gallant said dryly. "Crucible, meet Assault and Battery."
"Cute naming scheme," He said numbly, watching the two Capes grapple on the ground, occasionally bursting into motion so quickly it made him dizzy just looking at them, sliding across the floor like butter on a frying pan. The various PRT workers just walked around on the edges of the room and didn't give them a second glance. Apparently this was par for the course, in Brockton Bay.
"I wasn't a part of that!" Battery called out.
"You know you love it, puppy!" Assault laughed wildly.
… This was going to be a headache.
Cole had just settled into the Wards base, stowing away his personal phone and a book in his bedroom away from home, when a bright red land line phone began ringing. Clockblocker ran to answer it, as if everyone else was desperately clamoring to get to it first. They were not.
"Who is this?" Clockblocker said in a voice very different from the one he'd used until now. It was impressively clear and resonant. Cole could suddenly understand why this guy was the leader, if only a little bit.
"We'll be right there, ma'am. Justice is on the way!" Clockblocker said after a brief silence in which the person on the other side of the line talked.
Who actually said stuff like that?
Clockblocker slammed the phone down and whirled around.
"Team! THE TECHNO QUEEN's-" Cole jumped when there was a crash of thunder. It had been sunny outside just a few minutes ago! "DASTARDLY TECHIES have been seen kidnapping Charlotte Victim! We have to save her!"
What kind of last name was Victim?
Cole jumped to his feet and donned his domino mask. Despite how… subtly surreal the situation was, a girl was being kidnapped by villains. It was time to be serious. Apparently, though, the rest of the team didn't think so. Vista waited until she'd read the end of the paragraph she was on before placing a bookmark in her book. Princess Umbra reluctantly paused her show after a minute, which was about ponies? Gallant and Flechette shot of a few texts to their respective girlfriends, and Kid Win tightened a bolt on what he was building and put away his tools. Clockblocker stood by the door, impatiently tapping his foot.
Cole couldn't help but stare.
After five minutes of dilly dallying, all of the Wards were ready to go, Vista helping them cross great distances to get there faster.
"Wards, this is Console, Browbeat has been alerted to the current situation and is heading towards the Techno Queen's Secret Lair. Over."
"Roger, Console. Over." Clockblocker said into his comm.
Soon, they were in a park. Clockblocker walked confidently to a tree stump, slid a piece of bark away to reveal a panel and punch in a code.
"A Protectorate Think Tank located the base and the password to the entrance." He replied to the silent question.
"Liar," Princess Umbra muttered under her breath.
Cole was confused.
The stump swung away to reveal a ladder leading down into the ground, and they all climbed down. They were in a chamber, and the only other thing in the room besides them and the ladder was two great, big doors on the other side of the room. Cole expected him to stop them to come up with some sort of plan first, but Clockblocker just strode confidently forward and slammed the doors back. What was it with the people in this town and slamming doors?
What Cole saw then was the most simultaneously absurd and cliché sight in his entire life.
A young woman in a black spandex with strategically placed armor, a golden skull buckle, a scifi looking gun, an intimidating looking helmet, and a blood red cape was sprawled like royalty across an extravagant throne. On one side of the throne stood a mischievous looking blond girl in a black and lavender costume who stared at him intensely, on the other a girl who looked to be about Vista's age in a black and red costume with a turban and a domino mask. Cole was amazed and kind of horrified that someone so young was already in villainy.
Splotches of impenetrable darkness was spread out over the room, and occasionally something would briefly depart from the shadows to allow him glimpse of them. Three of them were riding three hulking, ugly monsters, each carrying a different rider. A masculine woman, a pretty boy, a buff guy in motorcycle leathers. A woman in a leather cat suit with yellow feathery hair snapped a whip only a few feet away from him before darting back into the shadows, and he flinched. A woman in a creepy doll outfit riding a huge black spider, trailed by floating needles shot him a threatening look.
And in the middle of the room was an extremely odd tableau. There was a gagged black haired girl tied to a table, and a laser was steadily making its way to her, um, yeah, to cut her in half.
"We haven't done this one before, right?" The woman who was obviously the Techno Queen asked.
"I don't think so," Clockblocker said.
"Good," She nodded. "Now then: Wards! You dare enter my Secret Lair? Well, you shall soon be seen to regret that mistake! First, my DASTARDLY TECHIES will effortlessly subdue you, and then, I shall force you to watch as young Miss Victim is horribly murdered!"
"I think she's taking a nap." Princess Umbra whispered to Kid Win, who shushed her.
"Never! You may think you're so great, THE TECHNO QUEEN, but not even your magnificent, beautiful, brilliant-"
Gallant elbowed Clockblocker in the side. Their fearless leader cleared his throat.
"And, uh, horribly evil cunning will be able to stand up to Truth and Justice and Friendship!"
What.
"We'll see about that! Techies, attack!"
The villains charged out of the shadows.
The woman with the yellow feather hair snapped her whip at Princess Umbra, who phased through it easily and shot an arrow at her, but she disappeared with a poof of smoke. One of the gigantic dogs, the one bearing the masculine woman, jumpedright at him, but Kid Win snapped of a laser blast at it, which allowed Cole to dodge. From there, it just degenerated. Soon the battlefield was a confusing mess of darkness and smoke and friendly fire. More than once, Cole had to resort to putting himself or his teammates in his force field bubble for protection.
He glanced out of his eye and saw the laser was worryingly close to its goal, and it was then that the doors were slammed open again.
Seriously! Can no one open doors like a normal person here!?
His costume was little more than dark blue or black spandex with a diamond print. His mask was full-face, except for the eyes, and had a crystal attached to the forehead, and he had a freakishly good figure. Just, like, Adonis like. That had to be Browbeat then, he was guessing.
The blond girl that had been standing beside the Techno Queen' throne, and had also not once stopped creepily staring at him, suddenly grinned evilly and dove down to the Tinker's ear and whispered something.
"… I don't see why not." The Techno Queen shrugged in reply to whatever had been said.
Why was he getting this ominous feeling?
As Cole wildly dodged a gigantic stuffed spider and Browbeat charged into the fray, the Techno Queen extracted something that looked like an iPhone, except much more scifi-ish, from a pocket in her cape, perhaps? Anyways, she fiddled with it momentarily, cackled madly, and then a trap door opened up right beneath him.
He would have enclosed himself in a force field bubble in midair, but he was so startled that before he knew it, he was in an entirely different room. A chute opened up in the ceiling and a screaming Browbeat fell down into the room as well. He waited for a moment but none of the other Wards seemed to be following suit.
"Browbeat, Crucible," A young woman's voice rang out in the featureless room. It wasn't the Techno Queen's voice, at least. "You have both been selected at random to be given a task. If you do not accomplish this task within sunset, a horrible/embarrassing secret of yours shall be revealed! If you are the last one to accomplish your task, even if you do so before sunset, your secret shall still be revealed. I think you know which one."
Cole paled dramatically at that. How did they know about his power!?
"Now then. Both of you, you have to cure one New Wave member of their THE TECHNO QUEEN administered affliction. Ready, start, go! Tattletale out!"
A trap door opened up beneath Cole's feet again and this time he couldn't stop himself from screaming.
7.10
There was a brief, chaotic moment where he was just tumbling haphazardly through a metal chute, before he was spewed into the light, like the earth was vomiting Capes.
"Ow… Where am I?" He wondered out loud.
The answer was: right next to Brockton Bay General Hospital.
Cole grinned. He might just win this absurd task after all. He even knew what it was, because after all, who hadn't seen that game show? Although, to be honest, he'd just assume it was some sort of publicity hoax, but taking recent events into account he'd have to consider the absolutely insane possibility that it was all true. Frightening…
There was just the tiny snag that he could quite remember what all of the New Wave members alterations were… Eh, it'd probably be fine.
Browbeat whooped as he saw where he'd been dropped off. Find a New Wave member at Arcadia High? This was going to be a breeze. He did wonder how his teammates were faring without him and the new guy, though. Eh, they were probably fine.
"I THINK I PULLED A MUSCLE! REMEMBER ME, WARDS, AS YOUR HEROIC LEADER BUT ABOVE ALL FRIEND!"
"Regent strikes again!"
It had been a simple matter convincing a nurse to fetch Panacea for him, what with the costume, and a little 'yes, I actually have super powers' demonstration to further prove his claims. She entered the lobby, packed to the brim with waiting patients, about five minutes later. He couldn't see any visible changes with her, but that was probably because of her costume, which only left her eyes visible.
"Panacea, I'm Crucible, the new Ward, and I need your help! Or rather, I need to help you."
"Pardon?" She blinked at him.
"I'm on an enforced quest on the Techno Queen's behest, blackmail and all that. I need to cure your animal trait thing before sunset, preferably as quickly as possible."
"Oh… Well, I suppose it'd be nice to finally get rid of them. Some of us have liked them, but for me they've frankly been a bother. So, any ideas?"
"Uh…" No, no he did not have any ideas. Not that he was about to admit that. "Yes. First I'll have to see your alterations to get a better idea of what I should do. Are they under your scarf?"
"Yes-" he reached for it to tug it down. "but for the love of god, let's not reveal them in front of a crowd or else-" aaand it was too late. The scarf came loose.
Two bright white fangs caught the light of the fluorescent lamps overhead.
"VAMPIRE!" A little boy with a red nose screamed and pointed at Panacea.
"No! Snake! I'M HALF SNAKE!" Panacea shouted desperately.
But it was too late, the lobby breaking out into chaos and sound and oh god.
Cole snuck awkwardly out a back door. There were other New Wave members he could try.
Victoria Dallon had always been easy to pick out of a crowd. Always at the center of a group of people paying careful attention to whatever found its way out of her mouth, it had gotten even worse when she'd gotten her aura. And with her recent alterations, well… It took Browbeat less than five minutes to spot her in the sea of students.
"Hey, Glory Girl!" Browbeat called out. She ignored him. He scowled. She should have heard him. She didn't even look around. It had to be that stupid Stranger power again. God damn power incontinence…
"GLORY GIRL!" He roared, only a few feet away from her.
She startled, and looked down at him. Normally, he'd be taller than her, but her alteration forced her to fly everywhere. From the waist up, she looked her perfectly normal gorgeous self, but from the waist down she was… well, a mermaid, to put it frankly. Sparkling golden scales that complimented her hair and all that.
"I'M BROWBEAT!" He continued roaring. She squinted at him. "AND I'M GONNA CURE YOUR FISH TAIL, OKAY!? JUST DO AS I SAY!"
"Sure thing… Bridgebeet." She said uncertainly.
… Good enough.
"OKAY! FIRST, I'M GONNA NEED YOU TO DO SOMETHING BAD! MAYBE THAT'LL WORK!"
"Do something rad? Dude, I'm rad, like, 24/7. What more do you want from me!?"
This was going to take a while.
"GRUE, BRING FORTH THE SHRINK RAY!"
"By your will, your majesty!"
"Excuse me! Mam! Lady Photon!" Crucible shouted as he ran after the figure flying above him.
She began to lower to the ground, signaling that she'd heard him. As she landed, she folded back pure white wings on her back. When you looked at her the word that popped up wasn't bird, but angel. According to the tabloids she'd already gotten three offers from Haven for her to join their group.
"Yes? And if this another ploy to get me to bless someone or something or tell you whether or not there's an afterlife then for the last time I-!"
"No! I'm Crucible! I need to cure you! It's so very urgent! Please."
She hesitated. "Well… all right. Give it your best shot. Just so long as it's not with prayers. I am so fucking sick of that, no disrespect meant to religious people."
"No, no, of course not. Well then…" Cole tried to think like the Techno Queen. Cliché. On the nose. "Is there some kind of lesson you think you could bear learning?"
"Excuse me?"
"No offense meant! I don't know you! Just, like, do you have self-confidence issues? Perhaps it's the opposite, and you need to learn some humility? Just think about it, miss. You learn some great big lesson that fixes some character flaw, grow as a person from it, and your wings magically disappear."
"Hmm, you do have a point. I wouldn't put it past the Techno Queen to do something like that. But I just can't think of anything in particular that's bad about me. Not that I'm arrogant! There are certainly bad things about me, they're just not so easy to pin down as 'greedy' or 'jealous'."
"Nothing's ever easy." Cole grumbled. "All right then, I guess we'll have to work our way down the list and see what sticks. Okay, do you ever have any problems expressing your emotions? Maybe you just don't tell your kids you love them enough. Come on, let's go!"
"I wouldn't say-"
"Do you have any better idea? No? Well, come on then! Chop, chop!"
"I'm so sorry!" Glory Girl called out to the police officer pulling up to the curb as she flew away, tossing the spray can away.
"No! Don't apologize! You're ruining it!" Browbeat shouted from where she held him in her arms.
"I'm sorry!"
"Stop it!"
The officer scratched his head as he looked at the graffiti. New Wave rulez?
"Okay, what if we lower them into a vat of acid full of piranhas? We can't have done that one yet, Velvet Villain."
"That's right, your majesty. Because that would be animal cruelty. PETA would be on us like sharks that've smelled blood. Not even you can defeat the full wrath of PETA."
"Argh! How can this be so hard!?"
"Mom." Crystal said.
"Yes, honey?"
"You've been hugging me for twenty minutes now. Let. Go."
"I just don't want you to feel like I'm neglecting you."
"I should only wish," Crystal sighed wistfully. "Seriously mom, do you have any idea how hard it is to do math problems while being squeezed to death?"
"That's what I've been telling her." The math teacher said.
"By the way, have you noticed any wings on me lately?"
"Um, yes? They're kind of right there. Mom, are you having a stroke?"
"Damn it! What's next on the list, Crucible?"
"Um, gluttony, I think. Guess you're going on a diet."
"Aw…"
"Suck it up."
"Tell that girl she's a bitch to her face." Browbeat said, pointing at a redheaded teenager.
"Okay, I think I can do that. I mean, it can't be that hard! Look at her hair! Her face! Her neck! Her… shiny… necklace… so pretty…"
"Glory Girl?"
"WHERE DID YOU BUY THAT JEWLERY!?"
"AAAAAAH!"
"NO, WAIT, COME BACK! IS IT TIFFANY'S!? IT'S TIFFANY'S, ISN'T IT!?"
"GLORY GIRL, NO!"
"They're free, your majesty!"
"About time. Deploy the TECHNO BOTS, Jailbird!"
"About that…"
"What."
"Uh, you see, there might just be the tiniest little takeover going on."
"Takeover?"
"Kid Win, specifically. Some kind of multifunctional virus. It's turning the TECHNO BOTS against us."
"WHAT!?"
It was in the middle of biting into yet another carrot that her wings disappeared with a poof.
"What!? Excuse me!? Is she calling me fat!?"
"To be fair, you have been putting on the pounds a bit lately, dear."
Electromagnetic augmentation or no, half bear or no, Neil Pelham paid for that remark.
Cole didn't care. He was too busy falling down a trap door to care. Seriously, had they just trapped the entire city, or…?
He was in the middle of trying to convince Glory Girl to jaywalk when the ground opened up beneath him yet again.
He had to use his power to get rid of more than a few bruises when his landing was finished, and he saw that he was back in the empty room with Crucible.
"Browbeat, Crucible!" Tattletale's voice rang out in the room. "I see that Crucible has won your little contest! Well then, it's time to reveal one of Browbeat's secrets."
Browbeat swallowed dryly as Crucible sighed with relief. He didn't blame him. He was tense, worrying helplessly over what she'd reveal about him. To be honest, he didn't know what it could be. His identity? Protectorate would down on them like a shit ton of bricks. His sexuality? He didn't go to any lengths to try and hide that. He couldn't think of anything else…
"Browbeat… has a crush on Crucible!"
"What!?" He and Crucible exclaimed at the same time.
"That's right! Head over heels!"
"But- he hasn't had a single conversation with me!"
"Love at first sight," Tattletale sighed dreamily.
"No I'm not! You're lying!"
"So you claim," She said smugly.
He gaped. He turned to Crucible.
"You don't seriously believe her, right?"
"Of course not!" He said, despite a highly suspicious crimson blush that graced his cheeks.
"I- I-" He stuttered. What was he supposed to say to convince him that she was lying?
Tattletale laughed evilly.
"Okay, we've taken back the TECHNO BOTS, but they've found and used the de-shrink-inator. The playing field has evened out somewhat. We-"
THE TECHNO QUEEN was interrupted by two trap doors opening up in the ceiling and two screaming heroes falling to the floor.
"I thought that room was beneath us." She mused.
"Trap door magic," The Dark Vizier nodded knowledgably, her voice brooking no argument.
"Okay, this should make things easier. We have hostages now!"
"That makes two of us," Princess Umbra said calmly, rounding a corner, Bitch firmly in a headlock. The dogs growled, but she just shot them a threatening look and tightened her hold on Bitch. Despite their canine status, they still got the message.
"Of course it does." THE TECHNO QUEEN said flatly.
"Now hang on guys. Let's just do this nice and calmly, trade hostages, and peacefully separate ways for today, okay?" Gallant said.
"Fine," THE TECHNO QUEEN crossed her arms. "But I get to choose the movie tonight."
"What?" Kid Win asked.
"Nothing, just an inside joke."
Ha, Clockblocker thought. Jokes on her. We have the same taste in movies.
Ha, THE TECHNO QUEEN thought. Jokes on him. I'll deliberately pick a sucky movie.
Crucible couldn't meet Browbeat's eyes for the entire walk back to HQ.
