9.1
Tattletale woozily surfaced back to consciousness. Blinking she looked at the room. And the two girls fighting. Powers had clearly been forgotten long ago, as had any formal training or experience in fighting. This was pure instinct. When two women's inner furies are awakened and directed at each other, there is a primal part of themselves deep, deep down that says 'go for the eyes.'
Plagg had a grip on the base of Sundancer's hair, and going by the set of her jaw and the way that the hand was clamped around the hair like a bear trap, it was clear that she was never intending to let go. Her other hand was warding off of one of Sundancer's, to keep her manicured nails from plunging into her eyeball. Sundancer was repeatedly punching Plagg in the stomach, and they were rolling around across the floor while furiously cursing at each other. There was also an overwhelming amount of yo mamma jokes.
Welp.
Tattletale decided that it was far past the point were she should probably just… go. Yeah, that sounded good.
Shielder, Laserdream, and Lady Photon floated above the wet, stinky ground. Bearpower and Brandish were currently mourning their unusually sensitive noses, and Flashbang was once again reminded of another reason why being a centaur rocked beyond anything imaginable: hooves. Sweet, sweet hooves. So underappreciated.
"Cocky Movers," Brandish muttered. "Think they're so good, just because they don't have to touch the ground."
"Someone needs to put them in their place," Bearpower agreed underneath his breath.
"Hey, now," Flashbang protested. "It's not their fault they're Movers, and if I had the power of flight I'd be using it in this situation as well. At least they're not being smug about it."
"Isn't it great to be a Mover, mom?" Shielder asked.
"Why, yes it is, dear. Far better than being one of those dirtynon-Movers." Lady Photon nodded, creating a new form of racism on the spot. It was a talent.
Laserdream shuddered. "God forbid,"
"They have to go down," Flashbang said smoothly, not missing a beat at this new information.
"But maybe… maybe we should focus on saving Brockton Bay first," Bearpower said.
"Look at those guys down there! Do you think we should throw things at them?" Shielder said.
"Now, now, let's not go overboard, honey. They are our family after all. As they say, you can't always choose your family."
"What, you're telling me I've been lugging around this bag of rotten tomatoes all day for nothing?" Laserdream asked, gesturing at said bag. Bearpower had wondered what that was for.
"It's called priorities," Bearpower nodded firmly. "Revenge first, then Glory Girl."
"Argh!" Clockblocker yelled, wrists and ankles bound together, falling from a puff of smoke to the cold, stone floor. "How!?"
"You don't want to know," Jailbird said intensely. "Now get to work!"
"Work?" he asked as Jailbird teleported away. "Wait, what work!?"
He was interrupted by his useless, frantic questions by a long, drawn out sound of pure despair from behind him. Rolling around, he saw THE TECHNO QUEEN.
"TTQ?" he asked.
"Clockblocker?" she asked in a small, dreary voice as she peeked between her arms.
"Um," he said intelligently. "Hey there."
Scion followed his orders. With a golden pulse he stopped the motion of two cars that were about to collide with each other, in such a way so that no humans were harmed, just as Kevin Norton instructed. Swooping by, he picked up a woman who had jumped off a building for some reason (humans were strange and inscrutable creatures) and dropped her off on the ground, just as Kevin Norton had commanded. Steadily flying and saving the humans, he slowly but surely headed towards Brockton Bay. Not that he cared.
"Your mom's such a bitch that she gave you ten dollars for your birthday and took eleven back!" Plagg said, still trying stubbornly to pull Sundancer's hair out by the roots.
Sundancer, surprisingly, huffed a laugh. "That sounds like something she'd do as a weird punishment. Your mom's such a bitch that she put you in a round room and told you to sit in the corner."
Plagg snorted. "Oh, come now, even she's not that much of a bitch. Although I wouldn't be too surprised if she actually did it. Your mom's such a bitch that she makes Mel Gibson look like a choir boy."
"You take that back!" Sundancer said, but she still smiled as she punched the girl in her gut.
Glory Girl forced herself to calm down, reluctantly. The horrible smell and the floating turds were just a damper for her berserker mood. All she wanted to do now was burn her dirty costume and take a scalding shower. Flying safely above the unclean water, she rounded a corner and blinked at the sight.
Brandish was in her invincible orb form, and was blocking one end of the tunnel which, by the looks of things, was supposed to prevent Laserdream, Shielder, and Lady Photon from escaping in that direction. Bearpower was covering the other end of the tunnel, using his super strength to help him bounce all over on the walls and ceiling, up and down and side to side, preventing the Movers from fleeing that way. Flashbang was cantering around, shooting concussive blast of light everywhere he could as he desperately dodged the fire of three Blasters. Four legs certainly helped.
"What the fuck?" she asked.
"It's war, Glory Girl!" Lady Photon cried out. "The majestic swans against those filthy groundcrawlers!"
"Join us!" Shielder blocked a concussive light bomb with a shield.
"What?"
"Purge the ground walkers!" Laserdream shouted.
Okay, it was clearly time to put a stop to this.
"-and then they just, like, startedexploding. For no reason!"
"Wait, you're behind the bombings?"
"Accidental bombings," THE TECHNO QUEEN stressed. "And it's not as if anyone's gotten hurt."
"Lots of property damage, though,"
"I'll fix that. Look, are you here to harp on me about specifics or are you here to comfort me in my time of need?"
"Depends, are you going to untie me?"
"Don't be ridiculous, Clockblocker. I'm a Super Villain. The only way you're getting out of this alive is if you somehow escape one of my clever traps which I leave you alone in for some reason while I go and do something else."
"Ooh, got anything new?"
"I'm pretty sure we haven't done 'slowly lowered into a vat of acid' before."
"Sounds good,"
"So… make out?"
"Make out!"
"No way!" Plagg laughed, and then winced as that made her bruises ache.
"Yeah, she was unbelievable," Sundancer chuckled, combing through her hair with her fingers. "What's the worst your mom ever did?"
"Oh, it's no specific thing, just, like, in general, you know? She never attended my recitals, when I had them. Never pinned my drawings on the fridge. She's stricter with me than with my sister. Stuff like that."
"Huh, for me it was the direct opposite. Always making me go to recitals, framing my pictures and then pressuring me to make more, etc, etc. By the way, what was up with that teleporting? One of your powers?"
"Nah, Tinker tech," Plagg showed Sundancer her bracelet.
After a moment of awed staring, she wiped a trail of drool away from her face.
"R-really," she said. Oh wow, you're so smooth, Sundancer.
"Want one?" Plagg asked.
"YES!" Sundancer yelled so suddenly that Plagg startled like a spooked horse. Sundancer cleared her voice and spoke in a far more subdued tone, "I mean, yes."
"Uh, sure, you just gotta' join the club,"
"Club?"
Sundancer didn't how or where the girl had managed to hide a pocket on that skimpy costume of hers, but out of freaking nowhere she retrieved a pamphlet.
JOIN THE DASTARDLY TECHIES- BECOME A SUPER VILLAIN TODAY!
Sundancer accepted the pamphlet thoughtfully.
"Well, I've got to go," Plagg said apologetically. "Got a mother to confront and all, you know."
"Right," Sundancer said distracted as she read- dear god dem dental plans.
Oliver squeaked as the truck came to a standstill, like it had never been driving forty miles an hour in the first place. He then double squeaked as he heard a tearing sound at the roof of where Noelle was. Oh shit!
Frantically, he fumbled with his seatbelt and practically fell out the door, clutching a shotgun clumsily. He ran towards the doors that would lead to the back, and saw a golden glow come out from beneath the cracks. Hauling them open, he saw the tail end of a pair of golden feet and Noelle lying on the floor. There was the small detail that she had legs now. Thank god she'd been wearing a dress.
"Threat to the cycle," she mumbled, as if in a trance. "Corruption of gathering of data. Fix shard. Out of sentimentality?"
"Noelle?" Oliver said nervously.
Noelle blinked slowly, coming back to herself.
"Wha?"
Somewhere in the city, Sheriff Lung scowled fiercely as he saw a golden glimmer in the sky. He was back again. His hatred grew tenfold at the audacity of the golden fool, daring to come back to this city. He decided. It was time he asked the Queen for a favor. It didn't matter if the golden fool was defeated soon, but eventually… eventually, victory would be his.
Contessa threw back her head and finally, finally let go, cackling like a madwoman. "Just as planned! Just as fucking planned! AHAHAHA!"
Doctor Mother looked on worriedly.
9.2
"And don't do it again!" Glory Girl said sternly, wagging her finger.
"That's rich, coming from the girl who just nearly made Brockton Bay cave in on itself in a temper tantrum," Shielder noted dryly, but was silenced by a thunderous glare.
"Honey bear, I think we may have some marital issues," Lady Photon said to Bearpower.
"No shit. You just tried to 'remove me from the gene pool for the good of the species'." Bearpower said testily.
"To be fair, you did call me fat,"
"In those jeans!" he threw up his clawed hands in frustration. "God! There's a difference!"
"Anyways, what I was getting at was that I've paid for a session with this great Parahuman therapist."
"Wait… do you mean we're having… marriage counseling?"
"Maybe. Hey, it might even fix your bear thing."
Bearpower facepawed.
And it was then that Amy, covered in bruises, entered the scene.
"So," she sneered, and New Wave noted that she didn't seem to have any fangs any longer. "I've been kidnapped for a few hours, if any of you care. Dangled over danger, cruelly interrogated, fought my way out, that sort of thing."
"Ames-" Glory Girl gasped.
"Not you, Vicky!" Amy held up a hand, before sending a determined glare towards her mother. "I want to talk in private with mother."
Tattletale tiredly entered one of their 'secret' lairs, and trudged into the throne room on her way to one of her bedrooms-
NOPE.
She tiptoed as quietly as she could out of the throne room and painfully slowly closed the door after her, letting out a relieved sigh after escaping unnoticed. Then she squealed a bit. Love birds could just be adorable.
"Hey, Sundancer!" Trickster popped next to her without warning, but she didn't even flinch, still staring at the pamphlet thoughtfully, not even reading it anymore. "I've got great news-"
"Yeah, me too. Except they're not so great so much as bittersweet. Trickster, you're a shitty leader-"
"I'm not leader anymore," Trickster said with the first genuine smile she'd seen from him in… fuck, years. "Someone much better has stepped up to the position."
"Good for you? Anyways, I don't even really want to go back to Earth Aleph. Why would I? The only thing I've got waiting for me there is a shitty mother. No thanks."
"Yeah, the rest of us talked about it and we agree. The Traveler's aren't nomadic anymore. We're setting down here in Brockton Bay."
"Huh? But what about Noelle?" Sundancer blinked.
Trickster shot her a very large smile, and told her the news. She noted the 'will sell tech for money' in small print at the bottom of the pamphlet.
Maybe she wouldn't leave her group after all.
Sheriff Lung burst through the doors to THE TECHNO QUEEN's throne room. "Queen, I have a favor to ask-"
There was a screech, much blushing and embarrassed shuffling, before five minutes later everyone was decent and Clockblocker was back to hanging upside down over certain death. At least she hadn't had to go through the pain of putting him back in chains.
Sheriff Lung cleared his throat uncomfortably, and began again, boldly acting like nothing had just happened. "Your majesty, I have a favor to ask of you,"
She urged him on with a hand gesture.
"I want your aid in ridding the world of Scion."
"Putting it on my to-do list," she nodded.
"Really?" Sheriff Lung perked up.
"Sure, but I warn you, it is one heck of a long to-do list. Don't expect it to be done in less than at least five years."
"I can live with that,"
"Good. Now get out."
"Thank you,"
A slam of doors later, THE TECHNO QUEEN let herself begin grumbling as she stomped around her throne room, before retrieving a remote and turning on a hidden television that sprung out to of the wall. Clockblocker let her with only an unseen pout. He could tell when she wasn't in the mood anymore.
"Brockton Bay is being plagued by a threat it never could have foreseen: overgrown lawns! After the unfortunate and mysterious explosions that took the city's lawnmowers, the grass has been marring this city's beauty with its wilderness. Truly, this is our direst hour yet."
THE TECHNO QUEEN squealed.
Kneeling beneath the desk, Jailbird kept the 'borrowed' animalification ray steady and pressed against the news anchors abdomen. Did she spoil her boss? Maybe. But some people deserved to be spoiled, from time to time.
"And in other news several Capes were recently kidnapped by a strangely competent woman in a suit, and then were released some hours later, spouting nonsense about 'combining their powers' abilities' and 'Ash Beast'. This inspired officials to check in on said S-class, and they were shocked to discover that the man in question is missing! Sources say-"
"Eh, they're not talking about me any longer. Boooring." THE TECHNO QUEEN rolled her eyes and turned off the television.
"So…" Clockblocker said leadingly.
"Yes," she nodded firmly.
And this time she locked the damned doors.
Doctor Mother stared as Contessa sat in the black man's lap. And by black, she didn't mean in the racial sense, but as in actual black, like the space between the stars in the night sky. Her eye twitched when Contessa giggled.
"What are you doing?" she demanded.
"Path to Most Compatible Possible Boyfriend," she replied offhandedly.
"… Oh," Doctor Mother said intelligently.
"Want to go and cure Parahumans with Case 53 bodies after this, dear? Ooh, and then we could go and cure cancer and stuff!" Contessa said sweetly.
"Don't you have an apocalypse to prevent?" Doctor Mother asked, annoyed at their happiness.
"Nope!" Contessa said gleefully, before turning her full attention back to her new boyfriend, AKA Ash Beast.
Thoughtfully, Doctor Mother looked at the Number Man.
"Nope," he said, without even looking at her. "I'm afraid I'm already married to the concept of math."
He then went on to make out with a calculus text book, and it was at this point that Doctor Mother decided to slowly back out of the room.
Whatever. She could just date herself.
"Do you think I'm vain?" Shielder asked.
"Yes," literally all of the other present New Wave members said simultaneously.
"Oh come on! Couldn't you at least beat around the bush for a bit or something!?"
"Just being awesome, cuz. Wait, I mean honest. Sorry, I mix words up with awesome when I'm describing myself sometimes." Glory Girl said.
He sighed. "Guess I'll have to go soul searching and other lame stuff."
"That's very mature of you, son," Lady Photon said.
"Yeah, you butt." Laserdream nodded sagely, and Shielder punched her in the arm.
The door to the next room opened, and the family looked up to see Brandish and Amy walk out. Brandish looked shamefaced, and not like a cat at all. Amy looked like a weight had been lifted off her shoulders.
"Race to see who gets rid of their animal traits first!" Bearpower leapt to ruin the mood immediately.
"You're on!" Shielder declared.
9.3
Tattletale whistled idly as she stood before a chart that covered the entire wall, colored strings and pictures and odd keywords spread out in a chaotic sprawl. Thoughtfully, she plucked a pink string and placed it between two pictures. She tilted her head, squinted, and then nodded, apparently satisfied.
"What'cha doing?" Imp whispered right into her ear.
"OH GOD!" Tattletale jumped a full foot into the air, hand over her heart.
Imp peered closely at the confusing chart. "You setting up Kid Win and Bitch? I don't see it."
"And that," Tattletale said self-righteously, "is why I'm the master matchmaker around here. Kid Win has many admirers- obsessed, stressful admirers. Bitch is as far away from that sort of crazed fangirl personality as possible. Not to mention that they have something to bond over now that she's into coding."
Imp bristled. "Seems kind of thin, doesn't it?"
"Well, of course. That's why they only have an orange string, instead of a pink one. Orange for potential, pink for 'in the process of setting up', and red is 'already an item'."
Imp looked at the chart again, and pumped her fist. "Crucible and Browbeat's string is red!"
"Heck yeah, it is!" High fives were had.
"Cool, I- WAIT WHAT THE HELL!?"
Tattletale stiffened. Imp had just noticed Grue's orange string connecting him to Princess Umbra.
"Uh, hey, look at that! I'm trying to set Mr. Hebert and Mouse Protector up! Ain't that wacky?"
Hair pulling was had.
Sometimes, not having a secret identity was hard, Jailbird reflected.
But not when you had an armed TECHNOBOT.
"Two scoops, vanilla and chocolate," she said. The sound of the safety on the TECHNOBOT's laser gun being switched off was her 'please'.
Visibly shaking, the ice cream man handed her what she'd asked for. She handed him the correct amount of money, gave him a dazzling smile, and exited the line.
"Two scoops, both strawberry," Sheriff Lung said. Setting his fist on fire and glaring menacingly was his 'please'.
Jailbird heard the familiar PRT sirens some distance away. "Oh, god damn it. Who squealed!?"
She turned on the customers and employees of the ice cream store, all laying down on the ground with their hands on their heads, all of their gathered phones in one big pile on the other side of the store.
"I don't think anyone notified them," Sheriff Lung took a lick of his ice cream. "I think the PRT has merely noticed that we tend to go to the ice cream store at this time every Wednesday. I'm surprised they didn't just ambush us. Or that any civilians even came."
"Ugh, whatever," Jailbird rolled her eyes. "Let's go to the park or something."
Wrapping the end of her whip around a light pole, she swung across the street, ice cream cone safely in hand. Sheriff Lung jumped after her with his strengthened legs. He wondered if she'd forgotten about her teleportation bracelet.
Evil Dragon cocked one incredibly real eyebrow. "Armsmaster, you dare enter my domain?"
"I… dare?" Armsmaster said uncertainly, shifting his grip on his halberd.
Evil Dragon restrained a sigh. Armsmaster still hadn't completely gotten a hang on their new status quo. In certain areas, he was slow to adapt. But that was just part of his charm, in Evil Dragon's tangible eyes.
"Well, for this slight you're going to have face me in mortal combat!" She sprung from her throne, fluidly brandishing a spear.
"Very well, Evil Dragon… and then we will watch movies," Armsmaster said grimly.
"Indeed," she said solemnly. "And the movie choice shall go to the victor. Will we end up seeing the Matrix yet again?"
Armsmaster shifted guiltily.
"Or will we be watching Love Actually?" she smirked evilly.
Abruptly, his stance grew more serious, eyes narrowing. Ah, only an archenemy knew how to so accurately push another's buttons like this…
It was truly romantic.
"-and then I said, that ain't marmalade!" Dennis finished his tale with a flourish.
Taylor gripped her side as she bent over laughing. Suddenly, a boy in the crowd spotted them and walked over with a grin and a wave.
"Cole!" Dennis said, noticing him.
"Hey, if it isn't my good friend Dennis Danger Dynamite," Cole said as he grinned.
"I should have never told you my name," Dennis scowled.
"Whatever. Who's this?" Cole gestured to a suddenly silent Taylor.
"Why, just my girlfriend," Dennis said smugly.
"Girlfriend? But what about T- you know-" Cole backpedaled.
"Hey, how're you and the… the guy doing?" Dennis hurriedly tried to divert that catastrophe.
"Your teasing would be a lot more effective if you could actually remember his name," Cole rolled his eyes, although he was still blushing.
"Yeah, yeah, now if you could just go and scram, Taylor and I were just having a private, romantic moment."
"Trying to make me jealous won't work on me anymore! I have a boyfriend now!" Cole said as he backed away, quietly thankful of the excuse to go away before he let anything secret slip in front of the civilian.
Nervously, Dennis looked at Taylor, who was staring at him with wide eyes. "H-hey now, you know what other girl he was referring to, right?"
"You…" Taylor said with a shaking voice, and Dennis tensed. "You… exist."
"Excuse me?" Dennis blinked.
Disbelievingly, Taylor touched his face to double check this shocking fact. Dennis looked at her like she'd finally lost the last vestiges of her sanity. "You're Dennis Danger Dynamite."
"Starting to get creeped out over here, honey."
And then Taylor started giggling maniacally. "Taylor Anne Dynamite. Oh my god! That is the best name!"
With that, she leaned down and kissed one very confused Mr. Dynamite.
AN: Decided to dedicate a chapter mainly to romance for today, because why not?
9.4
"Make sure to pick up the loot!" a brunette girl yelled. She wore shorts, a scarf to cover up her lower face, and a wizard's hat.
"Um, I don't think these guys drop gold coins and health potions when you take them down, No-er, Big Bad." Trickster replied.
"What!? Not even any big pieces of meat or books or something?"
He shook his head.
"What a rip-off," Big Bad muttered with disappointment.
"EXCUSE ME!?" THE TECHNO QUEEN shrieked from across the room as the Travelers continued mowing down her TECHNOBOTS. It was especially frustrating to see one of them teleporting around the room with one of her bracelets. She'd known that it was a mistake to start selling those. As if she needed more money! "WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY!?"
"I SAID WHAT A RIP-OFF!" Big Bad shouted at the top of her lungs. "WHAT'RE YOU GONNA' DO ABOUT, HUH!?"
"That's it! Take 'em down, TECHIES!"
"We're trying!" The Velvet Villain shouted, before hurriedly teleporting away from a TECHNOBOT sent her way at the speed of a bullet.
"But their powers are absurdly strong," Tattletale panted.
"Even with the bracelets to help us," Grue agreed.
"Not to mention the pretty little ballerina with one of them for herself," Bitch said.
"Who is, I'm convinced, THE GODAMN TERMINATOR REBORN IN A TUTU!" Regent exclaimed.
"EXCUSES!" THE TECHNO QUEEN banged her fist down on the armrest of her throne. "No more languidly sprawling on my throne for me! I'm joining the fray!"
She quickly realized just how out of shape she was.
"Do you think I'm fat?" Taylor asked Dennis later that day.
"I—what?" Dennis blinked, startled, and then cursed when he crashed his Mario Kart during his confusion. Taylor gleefully took the opportunity to cross the finish line and cheered.
When he was done sulking he looked at her incredulously. "Taylor, you are thin as hell. Like, are you okay? Are you eating?"
"But I can't fight for shit."
"You're not supposed to fight for shit. You're supposed to languidly sprawl on your throne like the queen you are." He pecked her cheek.
She slapped his arm. "Aw, you always know what to say! But seriously though, I should probably do something about this. We almost lost to the Travelers! Their new boss, Big Bad, is one hell of a tactician."
"Look, if it bothers you that much, why don't you just build something to deal with it?"
"Hmm…"
"Guys, we're going to kidnap Sundancer."
"I'm sorry boss, but it almost sounded like you said that we're going to kidnap the ballerina version of Arnold Schwarzenegger." Dark Vizier said.
"Yes. Oh, Jailbird, contact the Dark Lady Plagg. I bet she'll want in on this—she's got some kind of thing going on with Sundancer."
"Noted!" Tattletale chirped off from the side, before skipping off to her shipping room.
"Yes, your majesty." Jailbird nodded and exited the room.
"Excuse me, am I the only one fearing for my life here?" Dark Vizier asked.
"Have you not noticed Regent and Velvet Villain trying to cram themselves through the same tiny window for the past minute?" Bitch said dryly.
"Why are we doing this?" Dark Vizier asked.
"I'm going to use a device to drain her badassery and implant it into me!" THE TECHNO QUEEN said, punctuating her statement with a flair of her cape.
There was a beat of silence.
"I'm… not sure how to respond to that." Grue said.
"DASTARDLY TECHIES, away!" THE TECHNO QUEEN cheered, ignoring him.
"-have mercy on us O heavenly Father, O saint of saints, O-'"
"Wait, you're religious?" Tattletale raised an eyebrow at Velvet Villain.
"No, but there's no such thing as an atheist in a foxhole," she replied grimly.
"Fair enough,"
"God, this took an unreasonably long time to find! It's almost as if they didn't want their secret base to be found or something." THE TECHNO QUEEN shook her head incredulously.
"Imagine that," Grue said.
"Anyways." she cracked her knuckles. "Bitch! Are you ready?"
"Ready." She scowled at the door, and then sharply whistled. Bastard, Angelica, and Brutus charged forth, Judas remaining underneath Bitch. The door crashed down, and the super villains walked in as they had previously discussed: with aloof confidence.
"Fellow super villains!" THE TECHNO QUEEN said with a pose. "Do not fret; we're only here for Sundancer."
"Oh, okay." Trickster nodded, and unpaused his game.
"Do these people seriously not realize that she's their greatest weapon?" Tattletale leaned over and whispered into Imp's ear, who of course ignored her. They still weren't speaking after the orange string incident.
"Yes." Big Bad stood up, having apparently heard her. "I do."
"Aw, shit." Regent cursed.
"We still haven't found out what her powers are." Velvet Villain fretted worriedly.
"89.54 percent chance it'll be something troublesome." Dark Vizier said.
"Yes, allow me to demonstrate!" Big Bad crowed, and then charged forward, her team reluctantly leaving behind their Gameboys and Nintendos.
And then the Dark Lady Plagg let loose a battle roar that made everyone turn around and stare at her as she sprinted towards Sundancer, who looked like she was the only one unfazed by this display. They met each other in twin bull rushes and fell to the floor, furiously punching and kicking each other. Velvet Villain took the opportunity for what it was and grabbed the four corners of the carpet that they were fighting on, tying it up into a makeshift bag. By the sound of it, they were ignoring the new development and continued in their attempts to brutally murder each other.
"Well then," Velvet Villain said. "That was eas- ow!"
Big Bad had tackled her to the ground. With deft movements she tore Velvet Villain's black dress at her midsection, revealing an expanse of dark skin. She touched it and a plume of smoke sprang into being around them, visibly different from the usual teleportation smoke. Speaking of teleportation smoke, why weren't the Dark Lady Plagg or Sundancer teleporting out of the carpet?
Some sloppy noises mixed in with the sound of punching from the carpet.
Perhaps it was best not to think about it.
The smoke cleared, Big Bad rolling out of the way, and it revealed Velvet Villain… and Velvet Villain! Straddling the woman sat an identical woman, except that her costume was bright pink instead of black, her wig a girly blonde.
Regent and Imp nearly died of laughter. Tattletale was too preoccupied with the carpet to notice.
"Oh god no," Velvet Villain groaned.
"Yes," Velvet Hero said gravely. "It is I, your worst enemy, the wonderful Velvet Hero! You won't triumph as long as I'm here, you horrid foe!"
"It's like having two of them," Jailbird whispered, her eyes going back and forth between THE TECHNO QUEEN and Velvet Hero. And then she remembered Clockblocker. And Mouse Protector. "I mean four. It's like having four of them." She remembered Evil Dragon. Jailbird gave up and hid her face in her hands, her shoulders shaking quietly.
THE TECHNO QUEEN kicked Velvet Hero in the face, cracking her porcelain mask, prompting a yelp from the clone, blood spurting from her revealed nose as she fell.
"I'm sorry, but- wait, is she sentient?" she asked.
"Not really," Big Bad shrugged. "And she's going to fade in an hour anyways."
"Oh, okay. I'm sorry, but there's only room for one Velvet Cape in this city." And then the gathered Parahumans stared in horror as THE TECHNO QUEEN casually used her lasergun.
"That… was pretty gory." Ballistic said shakily.
The Dark Vizier vomited into a potted plant.
"Wasn't even that good of a one-liner," Imp muttered distractedly as she tried to suppress the horror before her.
And as if that wasn't enough, the clone corpse then exploded into a shower of big gold coins.
"Ha!" Big Bad shouted. "You see that, you hack!? That's how it's done! It's called a rewards system, learn it. How the else are you going to motivate people to take down your mooks?"
"Oh, I don't know, maybe with this little thing called bodily harm? You know, kill this mook before it kills you? But I guess you wouldn't know about that, since you've got mooks so useless they die before they can even use their power!"
"Oh, bitch, you did not."
"What?" Bitch said as she looked up from her phone. Genesis had been giving her tips on how to get to the next Angry Birds level.
"No, not you, I—ugh! You people are impossible! Just take what you wanted and get out!" Big Bad yelled.
THE TECHNO QUEEN and her subordinates stared at the carpet hanging from a hook in the ceiling now. By the look of things, fighting periodically punctuated by something that was not fighting was still going on in there.
"So, boss, what are we going to do now?" Grue asked.
"Uh," she said smartly. "To be honest I didn't think we'd get this far. I thought she'd get away somehow, you know?"
"Yeah, I'm surprised too," Jailbird said.
Tattletale said nothing, just munching on her tub of popcorn. She slapped away the Dark Vizier's hand.
"But look, your majesty, you don't need this." the Velvet Villain said.
"Hmm?"
"I just saw you brutally murder someone that looked just like me merely on one of your enemies say so that she wasn't a person. You didn't even give a damn. If that's not badass and also incredibly disturbing, I don't know what is."
"Aww," THE TECHNO QUEEN said. "You know, I think you may just be right, Velvet Villain. We've all learned an important lesson today, and it's that if you're ever doubting yourself, all you need to do is kidnap someone and then murder a bitch."
"What?" Bitch looked up from her Angry Birds high score.
"Not you," Jailbird said. "And, um, your majesty, I don't think that's-"
"Yup! A valuable lesson for all! Well, you guys have a good day, I'm letting you all off early. I need to go and wash the bloodstains out of my costume." She exited the room.
"Uh," Imp said. "Is anyone going to do something about the… carpet?"
"God, I hope not," Regent mumbled, and high fived Tattletale.
9.5
Lisa grabbed her cup of overpriced, oversweetened Starbucks coffee and shuffled over to a table in the corner, head hanging. She only noticed the other woman sitting there after she'd sat down and made herself comfortable.
"Oh." She winced. "I'm sorry, I didn't see you, I'll just-"
"No, no," The Asian woman waved her hand dismissively. "It's fine. You look as exhausted as I feel. Work riding you hard?"
"You have no idea." Lisa smiled her crooked grin, relaxing back into her seat. "Part of my job is to basically just sit there and listen to people bitch about their lives and then I give them breathing exercises because, shit, their lives make no fucking sense and I don't know how to fix that crap."
"Wow." The woman's eyes widened. "You're a Parahuman therapist as well?"
Lisa blinked, before covering up her surprise with a nod. "Something like that," she said vaguely.
"Bit young for that, aren't you?" the woman asked, eyebrow raised. She tore open a packet of sugar and put it in her coffee.
"I skipped a few grades." She shrugged. Whether or not the woman believed her or not wasn't that much of a concern anyways. With THE TECHNO QUEEN having her back, she was practically indestructible.
"Lucky. Anyways, therapist to therapist, wanna' complain at each other? No details or names, of course."
Like Lisa needed details or names to connect the dots. She restrained an eager smirk. This was a golden opportunity.
"Sure thing," she nodded. "Name's Lisa. Mind if I start?"
"Not at all. I'm Yamada."
Several days ago
"Hey, Velvet!" Sabah's boss crowed, sprawled across her throne. "Heads or tails?"
"Uh, tails?" she said uncertainly, looking up from where she'd been stitching a frilly skirt.
THE TECHNO QUEEN nonchalantly flipped a coin, looked at it, and nodded. "Looks like we're robbing the jewelry store down at Grimm Street then."
"What would we have done if you'd gotten heads?" Sabah asked.
"Extinguished the sun!"
Sabah was sure that she'd misheard.
"It would have been delightfully evil to force the people of earth live out the rest of their days in darkness, their plants wilting, their animals starving, their food supplies running out… Huh. I guess I really didn't think that one through. It's lucky that you said tails, or else I would've accidentally doomed us all!"
"Lucky…" she mumbled as she stared into the distance.
Yesterday
"It's too much pressure!" the Velvet Villain wailed, head in her hands.
Tattletale nodded with faux understanding and patted her shoulder sympathetically.
"It's like she doesn't even care, and I have to care enough for both of us, and I just end up being paranoid and nervous all the time. Except I have to be paranoid and nervous, or else the tiniest little thing could lead to the world as we know it ending!"
"I see," Tattletale said with her best 'I am in control' voice. "Have you tried Pilates?"
"Her boss just gives her way too much responsibility, and she doesn't know how to handle it, because, to be fair, no one should have that much responsibility." Finished with her story, Lisa looked up at the woman who had introduced herself as Yamada with a hungry gleam in her eye. "What about you?"
Several days ago
"Neil, have you seen my- oh my goodness! Are you alright!?" Sarah stared at her husband.
"Oh, yes, Sarah." Neil forced a grim smile. "Being covered in hundreds of bee stings is actually very relaxing."
"What happened!?"
"I got hungry on the way home. I saw a beehive—you know what, I think you can guess what happened from there. What matters is, I'm not hungry any longer."
"But I made dinner. Salmon, your favorite!"
"Oh, Sarah, thank you, but really, I'm stuffed-"
"YOU ALWAYS DO THIS."
"Oh god, not again."
"ACTING LIKE YOU'RE BETTER THAN ME!"
"Sarah, please, don't do this."
"WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT?"
He sighed. "What?"
"MY FEET DON'T TOUCH THE GROUND, BITCH!"
"Okay."
"THE FLOOR IS HOT LAVA AND I'M FINE WHILE YOU'RE MELTING! YOU'RE FUCKING MELTING! AHAHAHA! I CAN FLY! CAN YOU FLY!?"
"N-"
"NO! THE ANSWER IS NO!"
"I can't even talk to you when you're like this. I'm going to bed."
"GO AHEAD! I'LL JUST GO AND SLEEP ON THE FUCKING CLOUDS!"
Yesterday
"I see." Yamada nodded calmly, her expression carefully emotionless. "Have you tried yoga?"
Lisa had no compunctions about throwing her head back and cackling like a maniac. "Oh my god! Oh, cape relationships… Ooh, that reminds me!"
Several days ago
"I don't think we need to have our hosts at gunpoint every time we go on a date," Sheriff Lung said as the nervously sweating waiter poured him a glass of water.
"Nonsense, dear." Jailbird waved at him dismissively, her other hand still keeping the gun perfectly aimed at the waiter's head. "It adds to the ambiance."
"I remember when I used to be the crazy and violent one in relationships," Sheriff Lung said nostalgically, before immediately realizing his terrible, terrible mistake.
"You've been in other relationships?"
"Before I met you," he tried.
"How dare you!?"
"You were in other relationships before I met you!"
"Yeah, well, I castrated him in return! Have you castrated any of your past lovers? Hmm? Why not? Do you still want to sleep with them? Is that it!? Answer me!"
"I believe the correct terminology when it comes to women is 'spaying'-"
Jailbird decided to make a quick priority change in targets, shifted her gun, and hit the trigger.
Yesterday
"I see," Tattletale said, expression absolutely blank. "Have you tried parkour?"
"Yeah, the woman in the relationships has so much baggage from her last one, it's insane. Thank god he's a Brute, or he'd be dead by now."
"Well," Yamada said, fighting back a nasty case of the giggles. "They sound perfect for each other."
"Shut it and tell me one of yours," Lisa said, and sipped her coffee.
"Okay, okay, now this one's a real nutter."
Several days ago
"May I call you Dennis?" Yamada enquired, as she flipped open her notebook.
"Sure." The redhead on the couch shrugged.
"Thank you. Now, Dennis, I'm here because your superiors have reported a worrying amount of… affection you seem to bear for a super villain."
"Whaaaat?" Dennis said, obviously feigning confusion.
"The Techno Queen, specifically."
"It's—" he deliberately bit his tongue before he rattled off a reply that almost sounded scripted. An automatic response. Did she come up often in conversations around him? Well, she was a relatively powerful villain in his city, and he was a Ward. Understandable, yet still somewhat worrying.
"What exactly would you say your relationship with her is?"
"We're arch enemies!" he immediately shot back, another automatic response. Oh dear.
"Arch enemies?" She restrained herself from lifting her eyebrows.
"Rivals! My worthy opponent, foil, adversary, competitor, foe, contender, challenger, peer, match, lover, and equal!"
"What was that second to last one?"
"M-match!"
"Uh huh," she said suspiciously. After a few seconds, when it was clear the boy was not going to respond, Yamada decided to continue on. "And why is it that you have this… close bond with her?"
"She's amazing! Uh, a horrible criminal, yes, but an amazing one. I want to beat her. She's so smart, and clever, and charismatic, and stylish, and—"
This was starting to sound more like a boy gushing about his crush than someone fuming about their hated rival.
"Do you have any other issues in your life?" Yamada resorted to changing the topic. This whole Techno Queen thing was clearly going to take some time to fix, and she'd surely have more sessions with him in the future. She should try and tackle something easier first.
"I… well, um, I got a C in biology last week?"
Did he have no other issues besides the villain that plagued his thoughts!? This was very, very bad.
"I see," Yamada said, voice a neutral monotone. "Have you tried meditation?"
"That doesn't even have anything to do with biology or cramming, Ms. Yamada."
"I'm not used to being called on that sort of stuff," Yamada complained. "I'm just supposed to give them a schedule and then when they come back it's either all fixed itself and I get the credit or nothing's happened and I give them a different sort of schedule until it eventually does fix itself, and then I get credit! What the hell, right?"
"What a problematic patient." Lisa clucked her tongue disapprovingly.
"God, parahumans." Yamada rolled her eyes. "Sometimes I can't help thinking that they're all insane or something."
"Yeah, they- wait a minute!"
"What?"
9.6
Beakers with colorful liquids in them smoked. Lights blinked at random for some unfathomable purpose. The arches and walls of the lab were carefully placed to provide the optimum acoustics for maniacal laughter, Contessa noted. With measured steps she dodged the swiveling red laser beams that protected the inventions of this particular mastermind. Casually, she reached forward for an intimidating gun; the animal stickers that covered it somewhat ruined the effect of the menacing, claw-like design.
"Door me."
"Do you think we should call the Wards for this?" THE TECHNO QUEEN enquired. "I mean, we haven't kidnapped Charlotte or anything, and it's not as if the world will be plunged into chaos eternal if we succeed, but it's the principle of thing, isn't it?"
"Maybe we should call the Protectorate instead?" Jailbird suggested. "The Dark Vizier hasn't had a showdown with her arch enemy Triumph in a while."
"Do you think Clockblocker will read into it too much?" THE TECHO QUEEN asked anxiously. "I mean, he can a bit… sensitive sometimes."
"Ah, touché, Crucible, but your forcefields are no match for my teleportation bracelet!" THE TECHNO QUEEN shouted, and left behind the enclosing bubble with a poof of smoke. She reappeared feet away and raised her gun, aimed at Crucible. He enclosed her in another forcefield before she could get a shot off.
"Oh… I think I've found a hole in my devious plan."
"Yeah, I think so too," Crucible said dryly.
Clockblocker gasped so dramatically at the sight before him that heads turned to focus on him. "My own arch enemy… being foiled by my casual work friend! How could you!?"
"Clockblocker, wait! It isn't like that!" THE TECHNO QUEEN reached out a hand towards him.
"I've seen enough!" Clockblocker stomped away.
"… What?" Crucible asked.
"Yeah, we all remember that." Jailbird pinched the bridge of her nose.
"I had to give him the armrest while we were at the cinema before he would stop pouting." THE TECHNO QUEEN despaired. "How would he take this? The betrayal would pierce his heart harder and further than any blade of wickedness ever could."
"Fine. So we just invite Triumph, then, plus the Wards."
"Nah, you know what? I like this scheme so much I think I actually want to succeed, just this once. Let's not call 'em."
"… Huh. What is this scheme, exactly? I mean, I see it's a huge, menacing looking ray, but…"
"Simple, my dear Jailbird! We're going to create this illegal new thing called 'graffiti'!"
Jailbird blinked, startled. "Oh?"
"Yes, although I'm not quite sure of what I'm going to write yet. Perhaps my initials? Something evil… Ooh! What about insults towards my enemies?"
That's not too bad, she thought, relieved. Which was of course the exact wrong thought to have, even if she hadn't voiced it out loud. Even your mind isn't a safe haven from Fate and Irony, the duo from hell.
"That wall over there looks good." Jailbird pointed.
THE TECHNO QUEEN looked at her like she was an idiot. "Don't be foolish, my dear Jailbird. I'm obviously not going to stoop to defacing something as simple as a brick wall."
Yet you're going to sink to graffiti?
"I shall mar the glorious surface of… the moon! No more may poets wax romantic about its pale shell, no more may stargazers enjoy their quiet hobby without being reminded that a monster like me is out there. It's perfect."
Jailbird choked.
Doctor Mother gnawed at her lower lip worriedly.
"Do you think we should make her take a break?" she asked Ash Beast.
Ash Beast shrugged.
In front of them, Contessa took careful aim and then shot. The Simurgh dodged with ease, and then did a little pirouette at the end just to spite them. Contessa growled, and then shot off another quick three blasts, all of which were easily dodged, of course. Unusued to failure, Contessa let out a short scream of frustration.
"She's been at this for hours," Doctor Mother went on. "I mean, there's not a snowball's chance in hell that she'll actually hit the wench. Number Man, you agree with me, right?"
"Put it all in pancakes," Number Man said into his phone. "Yes, all of it! Right now! Forget about the computers. All that'll matter are pancakes, trust me."
Contessa gave up with a wildly competent hissy fit. "Forget this!" she yelled as she stomped away. "Let's just do Leviathan instead.
"Are you sure you don't want me to call the Wards, your majesty?" Jailbird asked anxiously. Her phone was ready in her hand, the Wards on speed dial on the screen, finger hovering over the green button.
"I'm sure! Besides, I gave the rest of the DASTARDLY TECHIES the day off. This just needs the two of us, and if the Wards get here we'll just be curb stomped. That's no fun." THE TECHNO QUEEN typed a random looking string of numbers into her phone, and some lights started blinking on the ray. "Those lights don't actually do anything. But damn if they don't look cool!"
"You gave them the day off? Why?" Jailbird asked, her brow furrowed.
"They asked for it." THE TECHNO QUEEN shrugged. "They have a lot of vacation days saved up."
"I wonder what they all are doing," Jailbird mused to herself. And why hadn't they invited her to whatever it was? Not inviting their boss may be understandable, no matter how close they were, but what about Jailbird? Was it the age gap? It didn't seem to hinder them when it came to the Velvet Villain. With a shake of her head, she resolved to not think about it anymore.
"Because," Tattletale said testily. "Jailbird is far too loyal towards Queenie. Despite agreeing with what we're doing, she'd turn us in in a heartbeat and then who knows what our boss would do? She'd probably make us 'prove ourselves' before she'd forgive us, giving us some inane quest as atonement."
The Velvet Villain shifted guiltily. "I'm just saying, I feel kind of bad about it."
"Well, that's just too bad," Grue replied. "I don't know about you, but having a- a dong or something scrawled on the moon where I'll have to see it every night for the rest of my life is where I draw the line."
"About damn time!" Imp threw up her hands. "I was starting to think you were secretly a doormat in disguise or something."
"All my ironic corny love poetry will just look silly if the moon's fucked up." Regent nodded
"Yeah, that's my ironic love poetry," Imp agreed.
"Howling at the moon will be kind of embarrassing," Bitch said.
"I and my... friend, enjoy stargazing." The Velvet Villain said.
"Everyone knows who you're talking about, Velvet." Tattletale started up the booting sequence. "And I need that fucking moon. Romance blooms in the goddamn air when that big white thing is out! And Regent, this is your only warning—none of the nonsense that you pulled the last time. This is serious."
"I can't guarantee that," Regent said gravely.
"Don't you think she'll recognize us?" The Velvet Villain asked anxiously into her comm.
"Of course not," Tattletale replied. "We're wearing a disguise, after all."
And with that, the gigantic mecha roared to life, each of its limbs, head, and crotch controlled by a DASTARDLY TECHIE. It stomped noisily through the streets, headed towards its goal.
The mecha was wearing a gigantic trench coat and fedora, gigantic newspaper clutched in one hand.
"And so, the world is safe from Leviathan, all thanks to me," Contessa panted.
"Unless he learns some kind of important life lesson," Number Man said dryly. Contessa glared at him.
"Aw, he's so cute," Ash Beast cooed, tapping at the fish bowl. The gold fish swam frantically around its glass prison.
"Great." Doctor Mother pinched the bridge of her nose. "Now we just have to find a way to neutralize the other two Endbringers, find their source and neutralize that, and hey, why don't we cure cancer while we're at it!"
"Great idea." Contessa nodded. "Do you think I can do the cancer thing with the animalization ray?"
"They would die, Contessa," Number Man said. "You would be turning cells inside of their bodies into kittens or something. I don't think the human body would take kindly to that."
"Then I'll find some way around it," Contessa said. "I'm a good person, and I'm going to prove it. No wrong will go unpunished, Mother!"
"Lovely."
"Ooh, what about my initials?" THE TECHNO QUEEN suggested.
Or perhaps something like "TTQ + CB 5eva", Jailbird thought but didn't say.
"Or perhaps our foot in your face!" a voice rang out. Jailbird and THE TECHNO QUEEN turned around to see a gigantic mecha that had somehow snuck up on them. Must have been that stealthy disguise. Or maybe the sound cancelation tech. Who knew?
"… I said, perhaps our foot in your face! That's a fucking cue, numbskull!" the head of the mecha repeated.
"Oh, um, sorry, are you sure? I think that would kill them—"
"The machine, Ve- right foot!"
"Oh, right!"
The right foot extended to step down on the machine and grind it into dust. But then suddenly the crotch thrust into the air, unbalancing the mecha so that it fell down. Conveniently on the machine, but still.
"GODDAMNIT, CROTCH!" the head roared.
"I promised nothing!"
"You know what, whatever that is, I don't think I want to get involved in that. Foiled or no," THE TECHNO QUEEN said, washing her hands off of the situation. She turned around and stomped away from the scene.
Jailbird was quietly relieved.
"Thankfully, THE TECHNO QUEEN's no doubt nefarious ploy was hindered by a mysterious team of robot steering heroic teenagers, probably," the news anchor finished before the channel went to commercials.
The silence next to Taylor on the couch was highly telling and obviously deliberate.
With a pout and guiltily hunched shoulders, she nudged her bag of chips towards Dennis.
"Fine," Dennis said sulkily. "You're forgiven."
He did not share the chips, the bastard.
The End
