Merlin's head throbbed as he slowly opened his eyes. After Gwen had left, it had barely taken a minute for Merlin to fall asleep again. He'd hoped that when he woke up, his brain would stop feeling like someone put it in a blender and then ran over it six times. No luck.
Arthur was still drooling away on Merlin and he couldn't help but envy how relaxed he looked. A twinge of guilt shuddered through him and Merlin carefully carded through his golden locks. How could he have forgotten him?
Merlin slipped his hands beneath Arthur's head and carefully lifted him up to slip out from underneath him. He lay Arthur against the padded blankets and backed away. Inhaling sharply, Merlin touched his forehead and whispered a spell to calm the throbbing. He wasn't surprised when nothing happened.
Flexing his fingers, he relished in the power that ran through his veins. Now, he just had to figure out how to tap into it. Although, he should probably tell the others that he was awake. He vividly remembered when he heard Gwen walk in and crouch down beside them. Her face was worried and tense as she wiped Arthur's tears.
She looked so much older than Merlin had remembered her. Which was funny because the last time Merlin, the real Merlin, had seen Gwen, she was over eighty years old. It was something about the sadness etched into her eyes and the lines on her forehead. She was still just as beautiful and warm, though, and Merlin hated that he'd put her through this. Just because his stupid brain decided to forget everything he wished to remember the most.
Merlin crept out of the cave, not daring to go near the crystals. He'd had enough of them. His memory of entering the cave was fuzzy. Everything was fuzzy, really. But as he left the cave and glanced up to see the towering structure above, he instantly knew where he was. Avalon.
The island seemed abandoned at first glance. But he could see blue, glittering lights at the shore and if he strained his ears, he could hear distant laughter. He followed the sound. He made his way through the field of apple trees. He remembered Gauis telling him that Avalon was also called the Isle of Apples, and Merlin honestly found that pretty interesting. He couldn't tell when Gauis had told him, though. He guessed that having so many memories shoved into his head at the same time messed up his sense of what happened when.
Everything he'd gone through in his entire life, from being born, to growing up to Ealdor, to Camelot, was as vivid as the day it happened. It was startling in a way. He remembered everything. He could remember his mother's eyes when she lifted him for the first time and Will's smile when he helped Merlin with some bullies. He could remember the first time he used his magic, terrifying his mother in the process and that unfamiliar feeling of pure power that was as clear as the day it happened. He remembered the way the wind blew harshly through his hair as he waved goodbye to his mother and set off to Camelot.
But along with that, he could remember the last, broken smile that Will had given him on his deathbed and the dying look in Freya's eyes as she went limp off the shore of Avalon. He could see the pride in his father's eyes like he had died just yesterday. And if he closed his eyes, he could still feel the weight of reality as Percival gripped his arm and proclaimed Gwaine dead. He could feel the leathery paper of the letter from Ealdor that said his mother had died. He could still hear Gwen's quiet, broken laugh as she promised Merlin that she would be back one day.
And more than anything, he could feel the leather of Arthur's glove on the back of his neck and the regretful look in his eyes. He could feel the cold, wet dirt beneath them and the harsh flapping of wings as Kilgharaah landed on the shore. He could feel the water lap against his skin and the cool touch of Arthur's forehead beneath his palm and the fire that lit on the wooden boat. The same fire that burned away everything Merlin had known.
Merlin exhaled shakily, leaning against one of the apple trees. It seemed like everything was fading away but becoming startlingly clear at the same time. His heart pounded in his chest and Merlin could barely think through the flood of visions and touches and feeling and every single second of his life being lived through over and over and over—
-0-o-0-
Lancelot stood up, abruptly, startling Gwaine who was beside him. "I'm going to go see Merlin."
Gwaine's smile faded ever-so-slightly. "Arthur's with him."
Lancelot looked up at a few of the younger Sidhe, them being nearly a thousand years old, and waved, allowing them to continue their entertaining magic.
"He's hogged Merlin long enough," Lancelot said, clapping Gwaine on the shoulder and making his way to the cave.
The moment he stepped into the apple tree field, he had the sudden feeling that something was wrong.
"Lance." Gwen jogged over. "Hey, what's up?"
"Something's wrong." He murmured, looking around. "Can't you feel that?"
Gwen frowned. "Feel what?"
"That's Merlin's magic. I know his magic. Something's wrong." Lancelot burst into a run, ignoring Gwen who called after him. He darted into the cave and froze.
Gwen crashed into him from behind. "What—"
"He's gone." Lancelot gasped. "Gwen, he's gone."
Gwen winced, staring at Arthur's lone form. "Um—"
Lancelot turned around, furrowing his eyebrows. "Um? What does that mean? Where the hell is Merlin?"
Gwen looked away, scratching the skin at her wrist. "Look, he didn't want me to tell you all, yet. I guess he woke up—"
"He didn't want you to? Since when the hell was he awake?" Lancelot asked, gaping at Gwen.
Gwen flashed him a nervous smile. "Surprise?"
"Are- are you serious? He's awake?"
Gwen's smile faded into something softer. "Yeah, Lance. He's okay."
A sudden breath left him. "Oh thank god. What the hell, Gwen? Where is he now?"
"He has to be with the others—"
Gwen broke off as a yell echoed from outside.
"Guys! Shit. It's Merlin."
Lancelot cursed and pushed past Gwen to rush over. He skidded to the stop in the middle of the apple field, where Lancelot had just missed Merlin on his way over.
Gwaine was kneeling over Merlin, who was collapsed under a tree. "Hey! Blue fairy people! Or not people, whatever."
Lancelot dropped to his knees. "Oh my god, Merlin."
Gwen knelt down beside him. "Oh no, Merlin. You idiot. What did you do?"
Gwaine carefully checked his heartbeat and worried over his clothes. "What the hell happened? Did he wake up?"
"According to Gwen, yes. Apparently, he told her to not tell anyone so he could surprise us or something. God, I should have known. He did the same thing when we were fighting off the Dochra and I nearly gave Arthur a heart attack." Lancelot muttered and brushed a hand over his forehead.
"Careful." Evaine appeared over Merlin, startling Gwaine. "He's okay."
"Okay?" Gwaine retorted. "He's passed out in the middle of an apple field!"
Lancelot carefully scooped up Merlin. "Didn't know you would care so much, Gwaine. You're the one who's been having the time of his life this past week."
Gwaine froze. "What?"
"Don't be ignorant." Lancelot snapped. "You haven't even visited Merlin once."
"He's going to be a bit woozy for a while. He went from remembering nothing to remembering absolutely everything that ever happened in his life. He doesn't know how to cope." Evaine leaned against her scepter, her eyes flitting from Lancelot to Gwaine.
Lancelot pulled Merlin closer to him. "He'll be fine. I'm going to get him back into the cave."
Lancelot moved away, trekking through the sparse trees. Behind him, Gwen smacked Gwaine's arm. "Go with them, you idiot."
Gwaine muttered something under his breath and jogged to catch up with Lancelot.
-0-o-0-
"I realize that maybe you were Merlin's favorite knight or- or the most trusted knight but he was my friend too." A sharp voice, Gwaine, Arthur realized, yelled. "Do you know how hard it is for me to come here and see him like this and to be able to do nothing about it?"
"You can do something about it." Lancelot growled. "You be there for him and stop acting like everything is fine and you're living the time of your life. This has nothing to do with trust. Merlin didn't tell me because he trusted me, Gwaine, he told me because I caught him doing magic. He never would've told me otherwise."
Arthur groaned and opened his eyes. Merlin fell asleep beside him, the sight sending a dark pang through his heart. Gwaine and Lancelot were arguing just a few feet away. At Arthur's groan, they both whirled towards him. "Yeah, keep yelling at each other. That'll make Merlin wake up."
Lancelot rushed over. "You're awake."
"You certainly took your sweet time, Princess." Gwaine moved slower, making his way over.
"How long has it been?"
"It's been nearly ten hours, Arthur. You need to eat something." Lancelot murmured.
Arthur glanced over at Merlin, who was breathing steadily. "I can't—"
"Arthur, he woke up," Gwaine said, softly, making Arthur jump.
"What?"
Lancelot shot Gwaine a dirty look but continued. "He woke up some time ago. Gwen saw him. He's just a little overwhelmed with everything and didn't stay awake for long. He's going to be fine, Arthur."
Arthur looked from Gwaine to Lancelot as if trying to gauge whether he was telling the truth or not. He twisted over to face Merlin, holding his breath. "Merlin?"
Gwaine's hand slid to grip Arthur's bicep. "Leave him. He's been through a lot. He just needs rest. You, on the other hand, need to eat. Come on, we have some leftover pizza."
"Pizza?"
Gwaine suddenly grinned. "You have no idea the things that magic can do. It's the coolest thing."
Arthur blinked. "I am not eating magic pizza."
Lancelot scoffed and pulled Arthur to his feet. "Well, unless you want some apples and grass for lunch, then that's all we got. Come on. Let Merlin rest."
Arthur glanced back. "He actually woke up? And talked to Gwen?"
"Yeah. Go see Gwen. I'm sure she'll tell you." Gwaine gave Arthur a slight shove.
Arthur hesitated but left quickly after another shove. The moment they were alone, Lancelot whirled back to Gwaine. "Merlin loves you. You know that. You can be angry and you can be sad but don't abandon him. He's lost so many people. Don't be ashamed of showing Merlin that you love him. Stop acting like this isn't affecting you. It's breaking us all. You're not alone."
Lancelot stormed out, leaving Gwaine alone in the cave. He sucked in a breath and looked over at Merlin. He fell to his knees next to Merlin, ignoring the tears that started to clog his throat. "Hey, Merls. Wake up soon, yeah? We miss you."
And when Gwaine slipped his hand into Merlin's, he watched as his fingers twitched just the slightest bit. Almost like a reassurance.
"Gwaine." Percival peeked inside, his eyes worried. "You coming?"
Gwaine swallowed and moved back. He watched, hoping that Merlin's fingers would move again, but he was still.
"Gwaine. Come on. We'll check in on him later." Percival carefully looped his arms around Gwaine and pulled him to his feet.
Gwaine managed a nod. "I miss him. I miss him so much."
Percival merely tucked Gwaine into his chest and nosed through his hair. "I know. I know."
-0-o-0-
When Merlin woke up again, he was alone. The only light in the cave was the soft blue glow of the crystals around him. He carefully sat up and looked around. He was sitting on thick blankets that were laid out on the ground of the cave. The entrance was a couple dozen feet away and suddenly Merlin felt so very small.
He pushed himself to his feet and stumbled, the world tilting dangerously to the side. He leaned on the wall and looked over at the crystals. Before he could think better of it, he reached over and touched one, smoothing a hand over the glittering surface. When he peered inside, all he was a distorted reflection of himself.
He pulled away, making his way to the edge of the cave, and looked out. The sky was a dark purple and the sun had already disappeared below the horizon. Bright stars peeked out from behind the clouds but the moon was nowhere to be seen. Merlin carefully trekked through the apple fields again and tried his hardest not to think about anything. If he was being honest, he was terrified of seeing the others. Of seeing Morgana. Of seeing Arthur.
He leaned heavily against the large trees and looked over to see a large clearing. There was a bonfire in the center and people were scattered around it. Small blue fairies floated about. The Sidhe, Merlin realized. He'd only caught a glimpse of a Sidhe in their true form when he'd eavesdropped on the man who was trying to sacrifice Arthur all those years ago. Gaius had told him that the lake of Avalon was only seen by mortals just before death. And well, Merlin wasn't mortal.
He crept closer hidden in the shadows and caught on to their conversation.
"Yeah!" An unfamiliar voice laughed. "It's not as weird to me because growing up, I've always heard the tales of the great warlock Emrys. I've always looked up to him. Even if he never knew I existed."
"You're what? A thousand years old?" Merlin stiffened at the voice. Gwaine.
The boy smiled in the low light. "A little bit older. You tend to lose track of it after you're over two-hundred years old."
Merlin inched closer and moved up behind the man sitting nearest to him. Lancelot, if he wasn't mistaken. The light was low enough that no one noticed him coming close. A few of the Sidhe stopped to glance up, clearing sensing his magic, but they didn't give him away.
"So you've never met Merlin?" Leon asked.
"No. After Camelot fell, a few dozen years after the Once and Future Queen died," The boy nodded to Gwen, whose cheeks flushed. "Emrys left. Nobody really knows where. He wondered about the earth, watching everything around him crash and fall and rise in the everlasting cycle of life."
Merlin slipped onto the edge of the log that Lancelot was perched on, careful to stay hidden in the shadows.
"That sounds awfully exhausting," Gwaine muttered and took a swig of alcohol.
Merlin spoke up before he realized he was talking. "It was extremely exhausting, thank you very much."
-o-0-o-
When Gwaine first heard the voice, he thought he was dreaming. The drink in his hand nearly slipped as his head snapped up. Merlin was sitting next to Lancelot on the log across from him. His face was nearly unreadable but there was a twinkle in his eyes that he hadn't seen in a while.
Lancelot hadn't moved, just dumbly gaping at Merlin. An almost teasing smile spread over his face and he swayed closer. "Careful, Lance. There's a lot of flies around."
Lancelot made a strangled sound in his throat. "Merlin."
Gwaine wanted to say something but it felt like someone had filled his mouth with sand.
Ascalon let out a gasp, jerking forward to drop to his knees before Merlin. "Emrys."
Merlin gave a startled laugh and leaned down to drag the boy to his feet. "None of that, please."
Ascalon's eyes shone and Gwaine dimly wondered how Merlin became a person who people kneeled before. "Emrys. Are you alright?"
Merlin gripped his shoulders tilting his head. "I've been better. What's your name?"
"I'm Ascalon. I've always looked up to you and to meet you in person is the coolest thing to ever happen to me and I think I'm losing my mind."
"In the thousands of years you've been alive, meeting me is the coolest thing." Merlin's voice was incredulous like he couldn't believe someone actually looked up to him.
Ascalon shrugged. "You're really cool."
Merlin seemed to hold back a snicker. "I guess I should thank you. You are the reason I remember, right?"
"It wasn't just me. I helped but really the elders did most of the work. And Arthur, of course."
An almost scared look washed over Merlin's face at the mention of Arthur, but it was gone within a second. "Oh?"
Ascalon pulled back. "Yeah. Speaking of which, I should let you catch up instead of hogging your attention. I'll just…" He trailed off, laughing awkwardly before shifting into a small fairy and flying away.
Gwaine watched as Merlin's throat bobbed nervously. "I—"
Merlin suddenly stumbled and Gwaine was up and moving before he knew it. "Merlin. You okay?"
Out of the corner of his eye, Arthur seemed to come to his senses and launch to his feet but Gwaine shot him a warning look, stilling Arthur in his tracks.
Merlin cursed pushing back. Gwaine carefully raised him to his feet. "Come on. You need to rest."
"I just woke up. I'm not—"
"Hey. I don't think seeing all of us at the same time is good for you. Your mind is barely coping as it is."
"Thanks," Merlin muttered.
Gwaine swallowed his anxiety and let Merlin rest his entire weight on him. "Let's get you back to the cave."
Lancelot stood up. "I'll help."
"It's fine, Lance. His brain is overheating. Let me take care of him." Gwaine moved forward but Lance stopped him.
"We're all here to help. Don't be selfish. Let me—"
"I'm not being selfish. No one else did anything. We're not helping him like this." Gwaine snapped.
"And what? You think that you can avoid him for a week and come off as the noble hero who takes care of him?"
"Oh my god, can you guys shut up?" Merlin growled, pushing off of Gwaine. "I can make my own way back."
Gwaine stepped forward. "Merlin—"
Merlin shot Gwaine a dark look that pierced through him. "Don't. You're right. This is too much. I'm going back to the cave."
"But—"
Merlin turned and stormed off, tripping over himself. Lancelot moved forward but Merlin scrambled to his feet and staggered off, disappearing in the dark.
"You two are such idiots," Elyan growled, stomping forward. "What is wrong with you guys?"
"I was just trying to help." Gwaine snapped. "Lancelot was the one who—"
"That's enough." Gwen's voice was harsh and silenced them instantly. "Elyan, go after Merlin. You two need to figure your shit out. Merlin has enough to worry about as it is."
"Come on, Gwen. Don't act like you didn't sit there gaping like the rest of us." Lancelot muttered, instantly regretting it when Gwen stepped forward into his space.
"Really? I'm so sorry if my best friend woke up from a life-threatening nap and I needed time to gather my thoughts. At least I didn't go and yell about him to you and scare him off." Gwen snarled.
"I never—"
"Stop it!" Percival's voice was louder and angrier than anyone had ever heard it. "Stop fighting with each other. Elyan already left and is with Merlin but if we want to help Merlin get better, you can't do this. It's been a hard week for all of us but if you can't handle this then leave. I've had it with you guys."
The camp was dead silent. Gwaine winced, moving forward. "Perce—"
"No. We were all friends with Merlin, alright? I don't know is with you all but Merlin has enough to worry about as is and your relentless fighting isn't helping the situation.
Lancelot clenched his teeth. "I need to go take a walk."
Gwaine rolled his eyes. "Yeah, ok."
"Stop acting all high and mighty." Lancelot shot him a dark look. "You're not the only one who's getting sick and tired of this. I just— I need some air."
Lancelot stormed off, Gwen quickly jogging after him. Percival let out a breath and sat back down, dropping his head in his hands. Gwaine looked up and met Arthur's gaze, who still seemed to be in shock. Leon looked wildly uncomfortable and Morgana, if anything, just looked amused at the situation. Gwaine sat down beside Percival. "I'm sorry. I just really miss Merlin."
Percival let out a bitter chuckle. "Yeah? Well, there are better ways to show that. Don't push away the people that are here because you miss someone who's not."
Gwaine leaned against his side. "Lancelot started it."
Percival shot him a dark look and Gwaine winced. "Sorry."
When Elyan found Merlin, he was curled up in a ball, rocking back and forth like a child, murmuring nonsense to himself. Elyan inched forward, trying his hardest not to scare him. "Merlin."
Merlin didn't reply, instead burying himself further in his arms. Elyan crouched down beside him and flinched back when Merlin raised his head, his eyes bloodshot. "Why'd you bring me back?"
Elyan froze at his soft, trembling voice. "What?"
"Why did you give my memories back? I never asked for them. I would've been fine wandering aimlessly and doing my thing. I don't need this."
Elyan carefully wrapped an arm around his small body. "We came back for a reason, Merlin. We came back to save you."
A bitter snort escaped Merlin. "I didn't need saving. My mind wasn't made to hold all these memories. That's why I forgot."
"Merlin—"
"Do you remember the day you were born? Do you remember your mother's face and her eyes and her tears?"
Elyan swallowed. "I don't."
"I do. I remember all of it. From the moment I opened my eyes to now. Every single memory and thought and touch and feeling that I've had for thousands of years. This is not just Camelot, Elyan. This is everything in between. All the days after Camelot fell when I wandered the world. I remember every single person I met every single thing I touched and it's all in the most vivid detail as if it happened just a few seconds ago rather than thousands of years." Merlin's eyes fluttered closed, his face twisted painfully.
"I can't imagine what that's like for you. But I know that if anyone can survive this—"
"You're wrong. I'm not strong. I'm not capable." A lone tear slid down Merlin's cheek. "Why couldn't you have let me go? I could've been peaceful and ignorant to the real world and I could've faded back into the earth without a worry in the world—"
Elyan squeezed Merlin's arms. "Come on. That's not you, Merlin. You weren't peaceful. You were on the edge and blissfully ignorant but that's not peace. We never had enough time back in Camelot. This is our second chance to make things right. I would've thought that you of all people would take this chance to make amends."
Merlin gave a broken laugh. "I don't give a shit about making amends. I don't care, Elyan. I really don't. I just want to go home."
"You are at home. We spent months trying to get you back and now you're here. We couldn't let you go because you're our home. We're each other's home. And it won't be easy but we're going to be there with you. You've been alone for so long, Merlin. You're not alone anymore." Elyan fought to keep his voice soft and steady.
When Merlin didn't reply, Elyan pushed on. "You can't tell that there is nothing you regret about your life in Camelot. We all make mistakes. But at the end of the day, if you can pull yourself up and try to make things right, then you're already making amends and becoming a better person. Isn't that why we're here? To finish what we started?"
"It's over. The story ended the moment I failed to keep Arthur alive."
"No. The story has been going. We're legends, Merlin. Do you know that? People talk about King Arthur and his knights and his most trusted advisor. Why would they talk if the story's over?"
Merlin shook his head. "Because they're stuck in the past. They refuse to move forward."
"If anyone's stuck in the past, it's you. The story has not ended. We're living legends and legends, Merlin, are immortal. Just like you. And whether that's a blessing or a curse, I don't know. But do know one thing: this story won't end until you join us. It's incomplete without you. If you want to give up and let go of it, then I can't stop you. But just know that we're all here for you. You've been there for us, for so many years, saving us and protecting us." Elyan gripped Merlin's hand, pleading. "Let us return the favor."
Merlin met Elyan's gaze. After what felt like an eternity, Merlin squeezed back, the motion sending ripples down Elyan's arm.
"Don't do it for me or for Arthur or any of them. Do it for yourself. I don't think I've ever seen you do something for yourself. Let yourself be happy, Merlin. Let yourself be at peace. If anyone deserves it, it's you."
Merlin snorted. "I don't know when you started giving amazing pep-talks but I'm not complaining."
"It's not amazing if it doesn't work."
A slow, soft smile spread over Merlin's face. It didn't reach his eyes but Elyan nearly cried at the sight of it nonetheless. "It's amazing, Elyan. Trust me."
-0-o-0-
