Chapter 4: Shinji's father never hugged him

Rei POV:
The train rolls steadily onward as I allow myself to become totally absorbed in the Sailor Moon comic that was the first item I bought for myself with my money that wasn't food or clothes, the two bare necessities of survival.
I think of it as the relic marking the point in time where I first gained what I suppose could be referred to as a personality of my own, separate from that of my creator and commander's.

When I first learned that to survive even in this dying world was easy. It was truly living and thriving which was the hard part.
Dead at 25, but not buried until 75. The saying Mari uses to refer to the state most of humankind winds up trapped in even before the Angel incursions.

I crack a brief grin on my usually emotionless face as my vision is briefly conquered by the beauty and artistry of the hand drawn scenes.

Superheroes. The fictional group of superpowered titans even an emotionless shell like me could not help but look up to.
The product of a storyteller's fantasy that reflected neither reality nor truth, but nonetheless uplifted my spirit as I sighed in reverie in the idea of a better world where the characters in my story, the Sailor Guardians really existed to take down the Angels so that we children could finally seek the normal life Shinji rightly claimed time and time again we were entitled to having contributed all we had to mankind's survival.

I begin to frown however as Sailor Mars "Rei", the character of my namesake takes central stage in the following battle firing blast after blast of powerful flames utterly burning the rampaging behemoth terrorizing the fictitious Tokyo in the story while Sailor Mercury "Ami", my spirit character in both appearance and personality shrinks back unable to do anything more after losing off a pathetic volley of bubbles failing to even faze the beast.

A terrible memory stirs in my mind of how truly powerless I was to stop the Angel that very nearly tore me to shreds only to be rescued yet again by my great saviour Shinji.
Knowing as I knew now that this was not my first incarnation nor likely my last, I had no way of knowing how many times I had been saved in this manner in the past. A selfless boy who I could do nothing for willing to sacrifice everything he was worth for me.

While he could not be brought back from death nor ever fully healed of his grievous battle wounds while a quick flick of a few switches in a lab had me patched up good as new, not even my memories remaining to remind me of my close shave with mortality.

Or to put matters simply, Shinji could die while I could not. And yet he fought tooth and nail to save me.

I begin to lament the uselessness as I begrudgingly admit that her fighting prowess is a far cry from that of every other Sailor Guardian in her team but especially compared to the far more proud and confident Rei Hino whose flames could raze a reinforced titanium skyscraper to ashes in seconds.

Rei had entire mailboxes of love letters from the countless males. From her school, her city, among the attendees of the hundreds of pilgrims who loved and cherished her shrine and by extension her as its beloved head priestess.
While Ami sat gloomily in the shadows in the days when her friends all had plans, which seemed with each volume of the story to become increasingly frequent.

Even without her fire powers, Rei's punch could easily shatter a human skull to smithereens and her kick could snap apart a telephone wire with ease.
Courtesy of being the bookworm nerd who shut herself weeks before each test to rehearse and perfect her academic skills sometimes going entire days without eating or drinking, Ami finished last in every Gym class and was given the proportional amount of humiliation the universe believed she deserved.

Even in my happiest stories, being marked as a laughingstock was a common fate.
If Shinji only knew.

More simply put, Ami was a loser and "Rei" (the other Rei) was a winner. A big superstar winner that you couldn't hate if you wanted.

"Once again, Mr commander sir. Ami should have been my name, not Rei." I say to myself with a bitter and dry laugh knowing full well how bad a joke it is even with me being the emotionless shell I and I alone could ever be.

But as the train finally begins to slow and the grand edifice of NERV HQ draws nearer, I take one final look at the cover as I tuck the immature but no less charming book away into my pack and prepare to disembark, I begin to think…

If Usagi, Sailor moon as she was better known got grounded then it would be impossible for them to save the world since she was their most important member.
And Ami was the one who helped the ditzy blonde with her schoolwork not Rei.

The sailor guardians couldn't fight if they were sick with petty little trifles like the common cold.
Ami was the one with the medical touch being the A student and the daughter of a skilled doctor as only she was while Rei for all her bragging and boasting about being the smartest in the group, didn't know basics.

And you couldn't fight a monster if you couldn't find them and the Youmas in their fictional world (who when I thought about it were not all that different from the Angels in this world) employed
Whose powers came with the magical set of supercomputer glasses that could at a glance determine the location of such threats and even the special doomsday devices which if not kept from those creatures wicked claws' would doom the Earth?
Rei?
She had the sacred flame for determining when such threats were likely to be mobilizing but only Ami could accurately pinpoint the whereabouts and exact details of their enemies.

But most importantly of all. It wasn't Rei or Ami's fighting skill that ultimately prevented the all powerful "Pharaoh 90" (their world's version of Adam) from destroying the entire universe.

It was Hotaru. Sailor Saturn. The quiet sick girl in the shadows that no one, not even the Sailors themselves talked about much and who two of them (Uranus and Neptune) even wanted dead.

In the end it was her the Scouts turned to when all hope seemed lost.
The dark and mysterious shy one who rarely spoke a word and was even rarer seen in the group with the others. The one the others hated in spite of all the greatness she and she alone was capable of pulling off without a hitch.
Just like…

I tear up a little as I make the last of my mental preparations for another bleak and tragic day in NERV with Asuka.

Just…like…Shinji.

"At least the dark kingdom hasn't won here in the real world yet" I sarcastically remark as I stare down the imposing and dark structure that is my place of work and the pride of my maker.

"And I don't plan on letting it happen. Not for the world's sake nor for Shinji's sake." I mutter as confidently as I can rubbing my hands together to warm them up in the cold morning air before reaching for the door.

"Nor for my own" I add with a brief passing thought at the many clones of myself I know to be in the still in the laboratory, ready to replace me when I inevitably forfeit my life on the EVA Angel battlefield.
The recovery process means that while I technically can't die, the pain I will feel in the final moments of my life which an ordinary human would only feel once, will be repeated again and again for as long as another clone waits in the wings despite my wishes.

It also means that each time I'm careless and unskilled enough to require such interventions, every last bit of my memory good or bad is wiped from my already mostly blank memory to leave only a hollow void and my replacement, a hollow and empty shell.

Including, my valuable thoughts of the good times I spent with Shinji that were to me more valuable than any treasure on the Earth.

"I can't let that happen." I firmly insist as I swipe myself through the security checks and into the building which at least if nothing else is central heated well enough for me to finally stop shivering like a madman. "I can't let Shinji down again as I have so many times before. I need to step up my game.
I need to be a better pilot with the greatest skills ever seen. For the sake of not losing my memories again if nothing else."

But first, I think to myself as I begin my chore of the day of mopping the bathrooms with none other than everyone's red haired idol and object of adoration, there's something that needs to be made certain.

Were my outbursts at my fellow pilot yesterday evening but a biased and selfish overreaction. Would it truly be the most heinous crime on Earth to oppose Shinji's longtime roommate and the girl he spent the most time with?

Whom he could very well prefer over me in spite of her clear and obvious sadism and in light of my clearer unwitting hypocrisy over my own part in his inescapable misery with my neglect and indifference.

I needed to be certain that I was truly dealing with a monster for my ends to justify the means I knew would be incredibly drastic.

I needed to make sure Asuka wasn't human.

I waited till we had both made our ways to the grimy room we were tasked to clean first as our order of business and after exchanging our mutually reluctant greetings trying as hard as we could not to be the first to lose our tempers instead.

"Hey erm Asuka." I sheepishly comment trying as hard as I can to sound as nonchalant as possible which is difficult in this situation in spite of my usual stoic emotionlessness.
"Shinji told me a hilarious joke the other day and I thought you might like to hear it."
It was true. His jokes really did move even a mindless puppet like me to fits of sparodic laughter, splitting my sides in a way I never knew they could be split.

"Pfft well. Go on then"
She eventually mumbles after a long, tense scowl.

"Errrrr" I stumble out as I feel my insides burn up. I have to clench my fist and blink several times before I can bring myself to spit out my next words, chewing on each syllable as I do.

"Why um. Why couldn't the fourteen year old get into the pirate movie?"

"(Sigh) Why?"

I can barely hold in my laughter as I speak my next few words, unintentionally spraying droplets of saliva to the extent where I was forced to turn away from Asuka as I reached the absolutely comical punchline that proved without a shadow of a doubt that had Shinji been employed a comedian rather than an EVA pilot, his sad depressive state would not be his.

"It...was…(haha)…rated… ARR!"

And then unable to keep any semblance of myself as my sides are completely and wholly split upon finishing the first joke to ever bring a true smile to my usually blank slate of a face, I double over in an uncontrollable giggling fit, falling completely over as I do so causing the bucket of water I was assigned to clean the room to spill and slosh all over the floor causing my to slip, still unable to stop laughing as I hit my back on the cracked ceramic tiled flooring.

"Arr." I repeat, finally regaining my composure upon the glum realization that Asuka did not let out even a chuckle throughout the entire comical affair to my absolute shock.

"Because its…about…pirates" I nervously explain in a last ditch effort to get one bit of mirth out of the irate German I now knew to be the bane of Shinji's existence.

Sweat trickles down my forehead in neat rivulets as Asuka instead drills into me with a pair of eyes harder than diamonds. It's clear that she did not share in mine or Shinji's sense of humour in the slightest.

"NERV isn't paying us to do stand up, you idiot. Now get back to work."
She sharply spat, her tunnel like eyes fixing on me for a couple of seconds before she turned away leaving me utterly dumbfounded in a way that I never knew I could.

Asuka didn't laugh. Just like the robots in the movie, she had no sense of humour.

But, I tried to insist to myself, that was just one of the many attributes the robots didn't have. I was still overreacting and if I acted without due provocation, I would be the one in the wrong.

I needed more proof.

"Hey Asuka" I called again, clenching my fists to stop myself from shaking and to purge the fear Asuka's dark stare had left me with to.

"What!?" She eventually replied after several seconds wherein I thought she had not even heard me, without looking in my direction this time.

Tears began to form in my usually immovable eyes as I gathered my will to deliver the most heart wrenching trauma I had ever witnessed in the entirety of my short and monotonous existence.

A neat trail of salted water trickled from my left cheek staining my until then immaculate outfit as I took a deep breath.

"Shinji's father…" I began, more tears falling from my rapidly soring up eyes with each syllable I uttered.
"never hugged him."

"Isn't that sad!?" I demanded grievously with the last of my strength as I completely lost control of myself and was forced to tend to my emotional wounds by two agonizing minutes of the most desperate bawling I had ever let out, only able to eventually pull myself together through forcefully pinching both my arms.

By the time I was done, my eyes felt like the hottest fire and my chest was slamming like a maddened drum. Every muscle in my body hurt and I swore that I was going blind.
It hurt even to blink having vented out all the emotional turmoil and guilt that years of accidentally neglecting my one true friend Shinji's needs despite being the one person in his life in any reasonable position to intervene.

"Isn't it!?" I pleaded once more, more desperate rather than upset this time upon the daunting realization that my other far less friendly teammate was not dropping a single tear.

"Yes I suppose that is rather sad…" the redhead German begun much to my surprise after a few tense moments causing me to quickly regret every action I had taken up to this point.
Perhaps I truly had misjudged her ill intent and in reality I was the cruel and spiteful one who had no business even being near Shinji ever again after causing him so much unnecessary heartache.

"But Shinji can hug himself, during his break. Now get back to work" She hoarsely added just as I was opening my mouth to belatedly apologize causing me to sputter about wordlessly in utter confusion the next few moments instead, unable to form words as my mind blown mind tried and failed to assert some sort of explanation as to how a fully human being fully trained in the art of social etiquette from one of the most prestigious socialite families known to all of NERV if not the entirety of the planet could miraculously display even less emotion than a part-angel introvert given no chance to interact with the outside world at all.

"Just like the robot in the movie, she couldn't cry either" I whispered to myself in broken syllables having finally re-established control of myself after tightly clenching my teeth almost hard enough for them to break.

I now saw that Asuka wasn't just a bully as I previously believed her to be upon witnessing her violent tendencies towards the nonviolent Shinji firsthand.
She was a psychopath.

And she could not be allowed to continue down her dark and violent road leading to nowhere.
It was a road I called, violence road.

But perhaps Asuka did still have some good in her. Perhaps she was redeemable. Perhaps she had in some remote way been a good and helpful influence to Shinji in spite of her apparent meanness to him.
There was only one way to tell.

I gulped a hot and painful mouthful of phlegm down my already ailing windpipe.
My eyes rolled up to the heavens and back again.
I took a deep breath knowing full well Asuka was watching and discreetly pinched myself to give myself the last bit of willpower I so desperately needed for the final part of this cross examination.

Then I looked Asuka dead in the eyes unflinchingly and in a cold, clear and unbreaking tone of sheer bluntness that sough not to tarry in the slightest, I asked the final question I had prepared for my client for the conclusion of this brutal trial.

"I just want you to know Asuka…that Shinji loves you. I just want you to know that he loves you with every fibre of his body and from the bottom of his pure heart.
Despite all you've done to him. Despite all the hardship you know you've put him through. I just want to tell you that Shinji loves you."

She looked at me and I looked at her.
I had never been more deadly serious in my entire life than this moment and this moment alone.

I knew full well that this may well have been where any connection I could hope to create between Shinji and me went flying out the window and it became my moral obligation and duty to forever stay far and away from him and his violent, selfish tsundere (the term for a girlfriend who concealed their affections with faux brutality and meanness).
Where I would forever be doomed to spend the rest of my long and interminable existence as another one of the hopeless yanderes that wandered the dark and cold void of existence forever and ever alone.

But I needed to give Asuka this one chance.
For Shinji's sake and in the interest of fairness and honesty, Asuka deserved to know this fact.

My heart was in my mouth as we stared at each other pretty fixatedly for the next few moments, neither of us deigning to voice our thoughts out of our clear disdain for the other.

I half expected Asuka to cheer in delight, completely breaking down the emotional walls she had placed around herself so high that no one could climb them, however kind they were to her.
Or at the very least to brag and boast of this advantage she held over me, bombarding me with insult after insult that this was yet another aspect of her where she excelled over me.
How I had no life and no one to love except my heartless commander and how that meant I would be nothing but a bootlicking failure that would never measure up to anything.

"You don't have any friends. Nobody likes you" I could picture her mockingly spitting out in the voice of Gollum of Lord of the rings.

I waited and waited expecting any single one of those cruel and derogatory responses that would signal forever the end of my time with Shinji.

But much to my everlasting surprise, confusion and morbid jubilance which lasted even to this day when I thought back to that life-changing moment that forever altered my goals and shook my identity to its core, the moment never came.

As the cold autumn sun finally showed its head flooding the dismal chamber we stood in with a speck of light, Asuka shrank back with a hissing intake of the breath as she rolled her eyes with a clear sign of nonchalance.

A nonchalance that to me, said more about her than any of her words and actions ever would.

"Get back to work. Loser."
She sighed wearily as she averted her sight from mine to begin applying cleaning fluid onto her scrubber and to begin work wiping down the first cubicle of the filthy restroom that had not seen use in ages.

Had she not turned her gaze from me at that moment, she may have held long enough to see the ghost of a grin that spread across my stiff lips which quickly faded as I followed her example, taking care to select the furthest stall from hers as I began my own chores for the day.

"So it's true…" I remarked wryly to myself in my briefly ecstatic mind which was on fire with a million mixed emotions trying to process all that I had learned. "That one who is full of envy in life disparages everything both good and bad."

It was time to make my move. Asuka didn't need Shinji and Shinji didn't need her.
She had said so herself.
It wasn't my word against hers. It was her words against hers.

Now I knew I was making no mistake in planning my next steps of the perfect plan. My greatest… no, the greatest plan.

"This is the greatest PLAAAN" I sang silently to myself as I scrubbed the filth of the wall with all my might using the sponge in my hand eager to get this over with as quickly as possible.

I needed to act quickly. My future, Shinji's future and the fate of the entire Earth was on the line.

Thanks once more for reading and supporting me.
Out of curiosity, do you think that things in Evangelion would have been better if Asuka never arrived in Tokyo 3.
Because think about it…
-Shinji and Rei won most of the major battles in the series and could have done all the things Asuka did if they were just on their A-game

-Asuka did very mean things to Shinji which made his already terrible self-esteem even worse and considering how much she injures him daily with her punches, any advantage she gives NERV as a pilot is lost by how much her actions impeded Shinji's performance on the battlefield.

-Gendo at least needs NERV to survive long enough from the angels to enact his plan. So if Asuka wasn't there, he might at least have to treat his son tolerably so that he fights well enough by himself.
He would have no choice but to make Shinji's life slightly better at least so that Shinji can pilot properly.

-Without Asuka, Shinji would have more time with Rei who actually does care for his wellbeing and is grateful for all he does for her.
Having someone who reciprocated his feelings would go a long way in helping him maintain determination to keep the world safe no matter what.

-Asuka seems to bring out the worst in Misato, who as clearly established is already a bad guardian and bad example for Shinji. When Shinji makes even a valid complaint about how he deserves more in light of all the good he does, Misato tells him to shut up but when Asuka beats Shinji up in plain sight she just laughs it off and even encourages it.

Think about it. But anyhow thanks for reading and see you next time. Bye.