As Hunith did, and as so many others did, Merlin allowed his good manners to prevail. Now he didn't feel entirely sure of the decision.
Boxing Day heralded another flurry of snow and Merlin sat on the sofa, wrapped in an old woollen throw that his mother had knitted, watching harmless Christmas television that drifted over his conscious thoughts without really registering.
Coming home had been settling and disconcerting in equal measures. The house looked very much the same, but other things told him that time had moved on. The hallway was redecorated, the garden had plants and shrubs in that he didn't recognise. His own room appeared the same but Hunith had painted the woodwork, re-varnished some furniture and bought him a new cover for his bed. Those subtle changes told him that although that nothing looked greatly different, time had passed without him there, with him suffering at Cenred's hands.
It was the same with people. For Christmas they had done the same things, almost. Merlin had arrived home a few days before Christmas Day to find the tree ready to decorate, several presents wrapped and ready and the fridge and freezer bulging with the food and treats they usually had. Merlin had felt horrified when he had found two of the presents which Hunith had bought for herself.
"I haven't been able to get you anything," he had almost wailed. His horror was so deep he had almost overcome his fear of going into town and facing the crowd to find her something, but so baffled by it he had docilely settled when she had taken him into her arms and held him tightly.
"You're here, and that is all the present I need."
Merlin realised it was, she had him back. It had been January when he had been kidnapped by Cenred, and she had faced the idea that she might not see him again and that he might be lost to her even if he was alive; if he didn't rouse himself from his stupor.
Baffled and almost listless he had gone through the ritual of decorating the tree, helping set up the lights outside but slowly Merlin started to relax.
On Christmas Eve they had gone to Will's, as all the neighbours did every year. When they had been children he and Will had huddled under the buffet table drinking lemonade and diving out to grab at the sausage rolls and sandwiches that Will's mother laid out. People brought their own contributions, Hunith's cheese and onion flans making their usual appearance. Merlin had looked around, listening to conversations but never being a part of them.
People talked about the year and what had happened. Merlin knew nothing of current affairs, so he couldn't contribute. He could listen as the Grey's talked about their sixteen year old cat, Pilchard, having a dental and their worry of him having to have anaesthetic, and the Ballard's talk about their daughter, Jean, getting on with her PHD. But then, even on the fringes, in a pause, people looked to him, as they expected someone else to talk, and Merlin knew he had nothing to say. People tried to be tactful, which meant they carefully retreated away from him.
He had almost wished that someone asked him what it had been like, locked away in his own mind. That would perhaps break the awkward feeling, and stop the staring that ranged between curious and sympathetic. Perhaps Merlin himself should have had the courage to say something about it, to break through that barrier. Maybe he shouldn't have even bothered to try and force his way through the fog in his mind that had left him locked away in his own thoughts, unable to knit anything together as the pain and fear and uncertainty had trapped him. He had retreated, the thing that had become his only defence, and because of it, he could do nothing for Toby, the boy who had been dead, chained to him, when the police had found them.
Merlin's head jerked up sharply as the front door knocker rapped three times. He clenched his hands around the material of the throw, stretching the wool a little as he did so. There fell a short pause and Merlin's eyes roved upwards to the ceiling. Hunith was upstairs but what she shouted down threw him momentarily.
"Merlin, get the door please. It's for you."
Pushing aside the cover Merlin presumed that it was Will, perhaps coming over because of the awkward scenes on Christmas Eve. Will had looked almost as out of place as Merlin felt. Merlin wondered what to say, or even what to do, as he opened the inner door and the person on the step, hearing the sound, turned. Merlin blinked and watched as they smiled brightly at him.
Arthur had been watching a group of children playing in the snow, yelping and giggling as they did so. But he turned as he heard the click of the door. Merlin looked at Arthur's broad shoulders, clad in the dark grey duffle coat that Merlin had seen over the last few weeks. Around Arthur's neck curled a red scarf which Merlin hadn't seen before. One of his own hands went to the scrap of blue material around his own neck, accompanying the red jumper his mother had bought him for Christmas.
"Hi," Arthur said as Merlin unlocked and opened the outer porch door. "Your mother buying you nice, warm and red clothes as well?"
Merlin's free hand pressed against his stomach, touching the soft material of the jumper.
"Yeah, something like that."
Arthur's brow wrinkled as he looked at Merlin, then his gaze moved upwards as Hunith walked down the stairs.
"Merlin, don't leave Arthur stood out there in the cold, let him in. I won't offer you a drink as you are driving; coffee instead?"
"Thank you," Arthur replied. Merlin backed up and let Arthur though the porch into the hallway. Merlin almost dived forward until he realised Arthur blocked his way. "What's the matter, Merlin?"
"I need to lock the door."
Merlin waved a hand at the porch door, made of wood and glass. Arthur reached behind him and turned the key in the lock. Seeing him relax Arthur realised that simple gesture made Merlin feel better. Arthur then pushed the inner door closed, hearing the Yale lock click firmly. Then he held out the large silvery box he held in his hands.
"Oh, this is for you. Merry Christmas."
Merlin blinked, holding out both hands instinctively to take the present, a box wrapped up neatly with thick, impressive feeling, silver wrapping paper. For his and Hunith's own presents there had been thin paper with bright, garish pictures of snowmen and reindeer.
"Thank you," Merlin said, goggling and cringing at the same time. "I didn't get you anything."
"Doesn't matter," Arthur said, pulling at his gloves to stuff them in his coat pockets and then shrugging his coat off. He pulled the scarf from around his neck and hung all of it on one of the hooks by the door. "It was an 'I saw it and thought of you' type of present."
"Oohh," Merlin murmured looking down at the box in his hands. Despite the size it felt quite light in contrast, although one end felt a tad heavier than the other.
"Arthur, you can make yourself comfortable in the living room!" Hunith called from the kitchen. Merlin turned to look in the direction of the kitchen door and then glanced back at Arthur, his face flushing slightly as he realised they still stood in the hallway.
"Sorry," Merlin said shuffling in the direction of the living room. "I'm not used to... things."
Arthur said nothing, following behind Merlin, watching as he sat down and put the present down on the coffee table in front of him. Arthur perched on the arm of the sofa and watched Merlin as he carefully eased the tape up away from the paper, being careful not to tear it, spreading it out to reveal what lay underneath. Merlin stared at the innocuous white box. He lifted it as he frowned, almost expecting the box to explain itself. The only thing that hinted anything was the sticker on the side that said 'fragile' with an arrow to indicate which was up the box needed to be.
It seemed slightly self-explanatory to Merlin as the box lid, carefully taped down had been kept upright when Arthur had wrapped it. Merlin peeled up the tape and eased his fingers in the gap to ease the top up, tearing the cardboard a little.
Arthur watched with some anticipation. Especially as Merlin lifted the lid and peeled away the soft tissue paper that protected the present. Merlin gasped as he lifted it, easing the paper away from the delicate ornament. He stared up at Arthur with wonder, his blue eyes animated with awe and delight.
"It's… it's… well, great!" Merlin managed to stammer turning his attention back to the ornament in his hands. A grey plinth, looking like a boulder had been inlaid with what looked like a crystal ball. Sitting on that, his claws embedded in the ball to keep him steady perched a light grey dragon, with red tinges to the delicately intricate scales. The beast's wings were spread, and the neck arched, the head tilted and jaws open to give an expression of aggression. The dragon's eyes glittered jet black, shining in the weak sunlight struggling it's way through the net curtains.
Merlin cradled it carefully in both hands, turning it one way and another to get a close look at it. His eyes were wide, shining with delight. Arthur smiled as he watched Merlin's reaction.
"As soon as I saw them I knew I had to buy one for you," Arthur said. He kept his eyes on Merlin's face taking in the animation in his eyes and expression. Merlin very carefully put the ornament down on the coffee table. He turned it one way and then the other on the table his eyes taking in every detail, before he turned his gaze to Arthur.
"It must have been expensive."
Arthur felt himself frown slightly, more in confusion than anger. "Not really."
It did occur to him that his idea of expensive probably differed from Merlin's. Arthur didn't think it mattered, he had, on seeing the dragon ornaments, been gripped by the powerful urge to buy one for Merlin. Now it seemed most definitely worth it as he watched the delight on Merlin's face. He probably would have bought one if Merlin was still catatonic, so he could have something that he liked.
Merlin bit down on his lip, looking worried.
"I didn't even think to get you anything," he confessed. Arthur grinned.
"It doesn't matter. I wasn't even thinking about it until I figured that it was far too appropriate to ignore."
"Look mum!" Merlin said proudly as Hunith appeared with two coffee mugs on a tray, with a plate of mince pies. He held up the ornament. Hunith smiled.
"Goodness! That's lovely. I didn't even think to buy you anything," she added to Arthur. "I know you don't like chocolates, so I brought in some pies instead. Sit on the chair properly."
With a rueful smile Arthur stopped perching on the sofa arm and slid into his seat, taking his coffee off Hunith. Merlin quite reluctantly put down the dragon to take his coffee. He sipped at it carefully while watching Hunith put the plate of pies down on the table and then with a smile she carefully retreated. She glanced at Merlin momentarily, and reached out to pet his thick dark hair. Merlin smiled, a little tentatively, Arthur thought, and then Hunith left them to it.
Merlin turned his attention back to Arthur, smiling shyly before looking back at the dragon.
"I feel bad now," Merlin said. Arthur shifted on the sofa, so he could rest his back against the arm and look at Merlin, perched at the other end, properly.
"Why?"
"Well, I didn't think to get you anything."
"I could say the same about me buying something for you. I only did so because it was just so appropriate. Plus it gave me an excuse to visit you."
"Why would you need an excuse?" Merlin frowned slightly. Arthur shrugged, feeling his face flush slightly.
"You were busy going home, and I presumed you'd be spending time with your mum, and Will and everyone here. I didn't want to interfere with that."
"Would you have visited if you hadn't bought me a present?" Merlin asked.
"Probably, but I might have waited a little longer. It seemed important to let you settle in."
Arthur raised his eyebrows as Merlin scowled, turning his gaze back to the dragon, reaching out to run his fingertips over the ornament. Arthur watched Merlin carefully played over the intricacy of the design, almost as if he was trying to memorize each tiny particle.
"I guess," Merlin said.
"Did you not want that?" Arthur asked taking a sip of coffee. He put his cup down and picked up a mince pie and bit into it. Crumbs of pastry fell away, dropping down onto his jumper, and some clung to his lips. Merlin smirked as he looked at him. Most of the time, to outsiders, Arthur seemed so controlled and sophisticated. If you got a little further under the surface it was easy to see that was not the case.
"I don't know. I don't know what I want," Merlin said, with some despair. Arthur watched him with sympathy, while also licking the crumbs off his lips.
"There is probably no need to want anything," Arthur mused. "Just get used to what's around you again. Everyone is going to understand that it has been difficult for you, this entire year."
"I know that," Merlin said eyes staying firmly fixed on the dragon, in the same sort of way that they used to lock on Kilgharrah, when Merlin needed it. "I'm not sure if it's pity or sympathy I'm getting, if that. If I'd just been in an accident or been seriously ill then people would talk to me, probably ask me questions about it. That would be easy. There is no remit for talking to someone who went catatonic after being kidnapped by a lunatic."
"No there isn't, unless you are talking to a psychiatrist of course," Arthur said reaching for his coffee. Merlin lifted his gaze from the dragon to Arthur.
"What about you? Are you talking about it?"
Arthur gave a little wince and exhaled. "Coffee's hot."
"Yeah, my mum usually makes it like that, it's sort of the norm for coffee I believe," Merlin said his lips quirking with a smile.
Arthur smiled back. "Okay, and yes I am. I have Gaius, you have Nimueh. She can't be all that bad. She isn't that bad."
Merlin shook his head, looking back at the dragon and again letting his fingertips run over the ornament.
"She's not you though, is she?"
"No, but there is me as well. I can't be your doctor anymore, Merlin. But I can still be here."
Arthur put his mug down and reached out to take Merlin's nearest hand, lifting it away from the ornament to hold it loosely. By the tension in his hand Arthur got the feeling Merlin wanted him to cling harder than that. Merlin stared down at Arthur's hand, encasing his before slowly looking up.
"You haven't been. I used to see you every day."
"I'd have assumed that you might have got sick of me."
"No," Merlin said.
"And I thought you were settling in at home."
It was what Arthur had truly assumed about the situation. Merlin needed time to adjust, and Arthur didn't want to crowd him while he was doing it. As he watched the conflicting emotions crash across Merlin's face he realised that was not the case. He considered the situation, Merlin had calmed down the moment he had come into contact with Arthur, the day he had roused from his state. And Arthur remembered, he had wanted to spend more time with Merlin, quite specifically, than any of his other patients. They all got his time and he would always be on hand when they needed him, any future ones - if he got them - would be the recipient of the same consideration. But Merlin had somehow got more.
Thinking about what Morgause had said, Arthur thought that he might have been influenced by Merlin without even realising it. In his own way Merlin had displayed his need.
Those thoughts passed through Arthur's head in the space of seconds, his eyes locked with Merlin's. Then they both jumped, their hands sliding apart, as Hunith opened the door and wandered in. She stared at both of them in surprise, looking from Merlin to Arthur, both of whom looked at her, but still, their eyes strayed to each other.
"I just came in to see if you wanted any more coffee," she said.
"No, we're fine. I've hardly started this one," Arthur said, taking another sip, a little too enthusiastically, so the liquid burnt his mouth as he swallowed.
Hunith looked at him and then turned to Merlin.
"I need to nip over the road and take Mary the cake I promised. I'll do it now. I've set the coffee machine up if you want any more. You'll be all right, won't you Merlin."
"I'm fine mum," Merlin announced, his voice straining with tension. Hunith looked uncertain, but her eyes drifted briefly to Arthur and he nodded, a little confused, but he had time to spend with Merlin. And that appeared to be what Merlin needed. Both Merlin and Hunith gave off those signals loud and clear, Arthur didn't need to be empathic to know that.
"I won't be long," she said.
Neither man spoke as she went out and headed into the kitchen. There were sounds from in there and then the unmistakeable sound of the back door closing, with the slight squeak that it always made as it had to be yanked shut the last few inches.
"You don't have to stay if you don't want to," Merlin said.
"Why wouldn't I want to?" Arthur said. "I'm sorry if you thought I was avoiding you, or something, but since you were going home I just guessed you would want to spend time with your mum, especially over Christmas."
Merlin looked at the dragon again, with a shrug, and a slight wince.
"Christmas not too good?" Arthur asked.
"The same, well, we never do much, just stay in. But we go to the neighbours, Will's parents have a party every Christmas Eve and it was just... no one knew what the hell to say to me."
"So they didn't say anything," Arthur said.
"No one ignored me, but I can't talk about what's gone on, because I didn't really kind of see any of it. I've lost an entire year of my life."
Arthur didn't say anything, instead he listened intently. He decided that perhaps he knew better than most people just how Merlin felt. Although his involvement had been brief, he had been there, trapped with the two people that had done this to Merlin.
"And everything is different, and somehow it feels like people are trying to pretend it's just the same," Merlin said.
Arthur sipped at his coffee again. It was cooler now, and easier to drink. Reaching out he took another mince pie, although he didn't bite into it until he said.
"You mean your mum."
Arthur almost choked on a bit of pastry as Merlin looked up and glared at him, anger flickering across his face. Reaching for his coffee again Arthur washed down the troublesome bit of pie and as he did so Merlin said, somewhat sharply.
"What do you mean by that?!"
"Sorry, I am actually sounding like a psychiatrist there. But I'll carry on since I've started. How many people have you really interacted with. Your mum, Will, the neighbours? By the sound of it, with them not knowing what to do or say. I don't think they count in this. What about Will?"
Merlin blinked, still looking furious. He turned his gaze away from Arthur and looked at the dragon again. Merlin suddenly, but carefully, picked it up.
"I'm going to put this in my room," he announced as he stood up, picking the dragon up carefully. Despite his anger Merlin had no desire to damage the gift he had been given. Instead he stalked away with it, carefully carrying it upstairs.
For a moment Arthur was stunned by the sudden reaction. He got up and followed Merlin as he stomped up the stairs and he rushed through the door just to the left at the top of the stairs. Arthur took a breath before he entered and as he did so he watched Merlin crouched down by a chest of drawers, carefully positioning the new dragon next to Kilgharrah. Arthur noted the slight dip of one of the toy's wings.
"I see Gwaine's fix-it is still holding."
Merlin glanced at him briefly, still glowering.
"He did a good job."
"Are you going to give that one a name?"
"I haven't though of it yet," Merlin said with some petulance.
Arthur sighed, glanced down at his feet for a moment and then looked up.
"Your mum isn't pretending that nothing has changed. More than likely she is just damn glad she gets to do it again."
"What?" Merlin asked, looking less irritated and more confused. Arthur took a slow step forward.
"I am going to be the last person to dismiss any of what happened to you, and it affected you, there is no way it can't, it was an ordeal and no one can argue that fact. But don't think that, in their own ways, that it wasn't an ordeal for everyone else. For months your mother sat there wondering where you were, or what might be happening to you and each day she possibly wondered if that would be the day when my father would knock on the door and tell her that they had found your body.
"Then when she knew that you were alive you were so lost in yourself that there was no guarantee that you would ever come out of it. She had to cope with that, and all she wants to do now is have you here, and she feels so relieved that she does she just wants to do the things that you always did, just to probably celebrate the fact that she can."
Merlin said nothing, he had gone back to staring at the dragons in front of him.
"Your mother is changed by this as well. She's not just trying to ignore it. How many other occasions did she miss? Your birthday for one, and I presume maybe her own."
"Athusia."
"Sorry?" Arthur asked.
"I'm going to name her Athusia. The dragon." Merlin turned and looked up at Arthur and Arthur knew something of an apology when he heard it.
"Come on," Arthur said.
"Where?"
"Out. Outside."
"Where?" Merlin demanded again, then added. "Why?"
"Because you need to get out and about, out of the house. Let's go for a walk."
"Where?"
"Around, somewhere... there's a park round the corner. Come on."
"What about my mum?"
"We'll leave her a note," Arthur said. "Where's your coat? You'll have to wrap up warm. Merlin, come on. Trust me."
Much to his chagrin, Merlin did. He wouldn't ever not.
