Chapter 5: Why can't I do anything right?
"There are only two types of men in this world. The righteous who think they are evil and the evil who think they are righteous" – Pascal.
"The conductor who wants to lead must turn his back to the orchestra" - anon.
Shinji POV
I hate myself and everything about me.
So does everyone who has met me, seen me or even knows I exist.
Not a single aspect of myself is an aspect I can call a positive.
I'd hate you even if you weren't you. That's what my teammate and the closest person to a friend, the great and wonderful Asuka Langley Soryu told me once after she was done bestowing me my fantastic reward of accidentally bumping into her after her shower for the sole purpose of bringing her the fried noodles with egg and teriyaki chicken she ordered me to make her as her supper.
I turned my head away and immediately put my free arm that wasn't carrying her exotically made dinner that I spent the only two free hours of my day cooking to perfection, but it was too late.
I could not be denied my fabulous reward for this completely unintentional mishap out of Asuka's bountiful generosity and infinite capacity for love and compassion that she and she alone had the fortunate foresight to possess.
The roundhouse that was delivered with mercurial swiftness so that my fragile skull was nailed with pinpoint accuracy with the heel of her foot, was pleasant and pleasurable enough to bring me to tears.
Tears of joy. Tears of happiness. Tears of great celebration that commemorated the utter serendipity that having returned unhurt from the frontline of the Angel wars, the fact that I swore I heard a crack as her foot connected with my nose made me safe in the knowledge that I would not go this relatively nonviolent day without my share of well earned battle scars to mark one of my rare moments of success and nonfailure.
I'm certain that the sheer number of injuries I'm quickly amassing will soon attract me a swarth of attractive females to break me out of this eternal and inescapable prison of aloneness which I can't seem to find any way out off in spite of my best efforts soon.
Battle scars worked for Rambo so I'm sure my time to shine is coming soon.
No, stop that Shinji. Stop having these selfish desires for yourself.
You know the rules and so do I, because you are me and I am you.
I am your conscience and what I say, goes.
Even if Misato, your father and SEELE were to all withdraw their oversight of you, even if the day should come when the Angels are no longer a threat to Earth because of some miracle superweapon that will most likely never be invented or some lunatic manages somehow to persuade a group of mindless alien killing machines to make peace (hah, I'd sooner win the lottery which I don't even play because my darn paycheque is too small to let me do that and because even if I did win, it would be my directive and responsibility to then hand all the money to Asuka and my benevolent and loving dad who was so kind as to let me be a part of his world-saving operation in the most action packed and edgy role no less).
I'd still be a part of you.
You can escape me no more than Jekyll could escape Mr Hyde.
So stop with the "I wish this" or "I want that".
Be content with the forever mantra that you will work for nothing and like it.
Take solace in the fact that you will never amount to anything.
After all, it's your good companion Asuka's life dream to be the world's best EVA pilot and even if she spends her downtime at the big parties NERV somehow has the budget to throw for her and if you even dare to suggest that despite your strenuous hours of training, watching the battles of you and your fellow pilots on video again and again until your eyes grow wracked with soreness and going over the controls of your EVA and doing your utmost to re-simulate your battle techniques until your muscles grow numb.
Even if you did only make those improvements for the sake of protecting those you loved and wished with every ounce of your desire to see prosper. Even if it is for the millions upon millions of strangers who will never know you are the one who risked your life, your sanity and your very essence of identity to shield from the Angels.
You are not allowed to be better than her.
To imply that you, Shinji, a loathsome little cockroach could ever be worth anything when the world can look upon the likes of your brilliantly loveable pilot comrades Asuka and Rei.
It's wrong. Very wrong. And you should be ashamed for hoping for better.
Repeat with me Shinji, your ultimate commandment.
Your purpose for existence.
Your duty which forebodes you from simply cutting your life abruptly short even if you are not worth the important space you take up on this already dying planet starved of resources as it is with the many more worthy citizens it could be housing instead of you.
Give more, expect less.
So stop this pointless train of thought of what if?
Stop wondering whether you'd work better if you were paid more and treated better.
Don't you understand that one of the few things able to bring any semblance of enjoyment to your beloved soulmate Asuka is her use of you as her favourite punching bag.
Do you not yet understand in its entirety that just as Asuka loves the manservant who can be relied upon to cook her the most gourmet of meals, so does she loved the target dummy that knows its place.
I remember a time when in a rare bout of complete frustration when I pondered out loud the most stupid and insidious question.
"Has it ever occurred to you, Asuka. That maybe, just maybe. Somewhere down there, Angels are living creatures just like us. And that they might…have feelings?"
And the answer to that, well I think I'll just let Asuka's words of wisdom answer that for you.
"Haha. How sad. How pathetic. Is that truly what you spend your valuable time in your stupid brain if you even have one wondering? Wondering if Angels have feelings!?
Angels are nothing but animals. Animals undeserving of anything but our utter contempt and who are a nothing but a nuisance to us all. A nuisance, much like you, stupid Shinji."
Rei POV
You're the only one who doesn't treat me differently just because I'm part Angel, Shinji.
The only one to realize that there's some speck of humanity within me that distinguishes me from our adversaries on the battlefield.
For that, I can never thank you enough.
For that, you have my eternal gratitude and loyalty.
It's called loyalty, Asuka. It's why you'll always find me by Shinji's side through thick and thin.
It's something every human not half mad should know about, and yet somehow you don't.
And you call yourself an honours student…
Shinji POV.
I hate myself and everything about myself.
I hate my hair. My short, brown and unattractive hair that fails to draw any attention to me whatsoever when Asuka's amazing red locks and Rei's stunning bob is all the craze these days.
I hate my gender. I hated it when I was born and I still hate it now. When the majority of those I love and admire have FE in front of their male and I don't, it hurts in a way I can't quite explain and for that it hurts all the worse.
Every last bit of vital life advice given to me by my kind and unfailingly attentive heavy drinker guardian, Major Misato such as how punching others in the face is how strong and vibrant women express themselves, cannot be applied to me because much to my eternal shame and guilt, I lost the gender lottery when I was born.
I hate my clothes. They are plain and ugly. I'd buy better clothes but it's all I can do with my tiny payroll to keep them clean as I'm required to by NERV so that I don't set my father and his company a bad image. Asuka and Rei have beautiful outfits that taste sweeter to my eye than any sweet.
Eye-candy doesn't begin to cut their adorable appearances
Even Misato and Ritsuko being the Major and chief scientist respectively have very attractive uniforms.
Courtesy of their Fe in front of male permitting them a better choice of garments than myself as well as letting them grow out their hair in the stunning way I'll never be allowed to.
I wish I had an Fe in front of my male.
I hate my voice. My squeaky, cowardly voice that feels to me like nails to chalkboard.
It's not something I can control and yet I still hate it as does everyone around me.
Perhaps an FE in front of male would have pitched up my vocal chords enough to not make the sound of my own voice so hard for even me to listen to.
Everything about myself I hate. Including my hatred of myself which prevents me from achieving the high goals everyone around me is counting on me to achieve.
Since while I loath myself, I love others.
One of the reasons I deny myself love is purely so I have more of it to distribute between my lovely friends and family.
My attentive father who was good natured enough to remember my existence despite his business being top dog of the world's second biggest corporation in time to place me in the most exhilarating and dangerous role of all trusting in my abilities despite my complete antipathy toward any kind of violence whatsoever.
He had such faith in me. So much that he trusted me to survive on the incredibly meagre paycheque which barely paid for a six pack of instant noodles.
What high hopes he had for me and how devil I was to let him down so.
My amazing Major and guardian Misato who my father was kind enough to assign to take care of me.
Who bulldozes through the streets like a five year old playing Mario Kart in their sleep, causing every car around her to screech out of the way sounding their horns as we go crushing through the streets with me jilting around like in a washing machine despite having my seatbelt tightly fastened while I murmur hail Mary's with my eyes half closed and my teeth clattering on the verge of biting my tongue bloody.
With skills at the wheel like that, NASCAR would be proud.
Shame that I'm not a NASCAR racer and can't appreciate such rollercoaster rides.
Rei POV
Why Misato. Why?
Why not treat the smartest, most important factor of our survival with a modicum of respect?
Realize you not that if Shinji dies, we're all screwed?
If you're going to be selfish, at least be selfish and not completely insane and out of your mind.
Asuka can't stop the Angels by herself. Neither can I.
Neither can you, my commander or anyone in NERV.
And the sooner I don't talk about SEELE, the better.
If I never mention their role in this mess, it'll be too soon.
Sailor Uranus and Neptune had more of a use than you, and they were written specifically to be obstacles in Sailor Moons path.
A roman slavemaster had more sympathy than you since they at least had the common sense to know that a slave needed to be well rested, well fed and not beaten too often to accomplish any kind of efficient work.
Caesar the conqueror of worlds is shaking his head at your cold heartedness.
And Luffy is cringing at the amount of beer you're putting in your body before you nearly kill yourself and Shinji with that rust bucket of scrap metal you're still driving around without any kind of insurance and which should have been serviced long ago.
Luffy wouldn't approve of the amount of danger you put everyone in with your reckless unlawful driving.
And this is Luffy.
Shinji POV
Rei…
My dear, sweet beloved Rei.
I'm so sorry. I let my temper and my selfishness get the better of me despite my best efforts to control myself. I didn't mean to insult my father for not giving me enough to eat and for not taking notice of how I very nearly got myself killed and needed downtime that wasn't given to recuperate.
I hadn't slept for five days when I insulted him accidentally. I wasn't thinking straight. My brain was an autopilot and the autopilot was busted and had gone haywire with my whole body shaking and the bags under my eyes having developed bags of their own.
Words just slip out sometimes Rei. Hurtful words that will forever haunt me to my grave and beyond.
Please Rei. Just understand this one thing. I love you, and your commander my father.
It's not in the custom of good sons to hate their fathers.
And it's not in my nature to be so inconsiderate of the suffering everyone goes through each day in this messed up world where nothing is right.
It's why I chose to pilot the Evangelion.
It was not my intent to be an indifferent spectator who sat idly by to let my loved ones suffer in silence.
The path to hell may be paved with good intentions Rei, but please believe me when I promise to you that I never meant to hurt anyone except myself.
Your suffering is my suffering. All of yours are.
When you cry, I want nothing more than to be there to dry your tears and when you are happy, then so am I. You, my father, all of NERV and all the world. I love you all down to the last one.
Rei. Rei-chan come back.
Any kind of fool could see. There was something in everything about you.
Rei-chan come back.
You can blame it all on me.
I was wrong, and I just can't live without you.
Rei POV
"The deal is off, Kyubey" I murmur furiously as my muscles begin to groan with the pressure of having wiped down so many firmly grime coated walls and yet having so many more to go. Piloting an EVA is hard enough but NERV expects us to do even this as well and to go to school like a good little kid and get high grades for skills we will never use since our main job is piloting and you don't need a college degree for that.
"The incubators are finished. You're not going anywhere. You'll get no more magical contracts out of me and you're certainly not getting Madoka after all the kind and altruistic things she's done for us all.
All the noble sacrifices she's made and you just throw it in the mud like she's nothing.
No more magical girls, Kyubey. No more murdering Sayaka. No more ruining Mami's perfectly good and caring family who never did anything to you. I, the great and powerful Homura Akemi will see to it that…"
"Stop talking to yourself like a lunatic and work. You're getting on my nerves. This isn't one of your trashy Anime series you and the idiot love to waste your precious life on. This is real life"
Asuka growls at me without bothering to look in my direction as she bends down to begin work cleaning the floors now that her section of the walls are polished.
Contrary to upsetting me, Asuka's comment only serves to brighten my day just a tiny bit further as I move on to the next stall in the toilet that I swear no one comes into anymore and thus should simply be decommissioned for all our conveniences.
"Whoops, wrong Anime" I sigh to myself quietly and wistfully.
The thought of Sayaka brings to me another long sealed away memory that at one point in my long and dreary existence, my hair was a wholesome and far less abnormal shade of chocolate brown not too unlike Shinji's. And my skin less sallow and white.
An Angel's natural colours are very much dependant on their wellbeing and nourishment.
And as I've witnessed countless times from my battles against my own brethren, an Angel loses its colours if it suffers long periods of starvation or despair.
Depending on the exact species, some turn darker until they're pitch black while others whiten till they are completely and totally albino with no hint of colour present on their bodies.
It's funny how by keeping me depressed, submissive and giving me just the bare minimum amount of food and water to keep me from starvation, Gendo manages to match my appearance to an exact tee with that of Madoka's closest pale blue haired companion and first partner in magic, Sayaka.
I was designed to be another Sayaka. A toxic friend whose one purpose in life was to impede Shinji's progress in any way possible. To keep him obedient and unwilling to seek truth nor pleasure further than the orders he was issued.
It was emotional extortion. To keep me alive despite the fact I did nothing good for him, Shinji risked tooth and nail not to mention his purity and innocence in pursuit of a goal his father knew he'd never achieve and didn't want him to ever achieve.
His ulterior motive which no one in their right mind could blame him for?
Me.
Beneath his no less genuine goal of protecting the innocent and pleasing his father and his girlfriend.
Was me.
Now I realized why in spite of how close he seemed with Asuka, he never allowed himself to have any intimate moment with her and refuted and rebuffed each one of her advances in spite of how much he seemed to look up to her and his obvious submissiveness.
It was for me. Shinji wanted to be faithful to me. He knew that the first rule of courtship was to be focused and undivided.
He did this for me. He denied himself the simple pleasures in life and risked Asuka's disappointment and wrath for me though I did nothing for him but look pretty.
I was a honey trap. A hostage. A con artist.
A weapon my truly monstrous creator designed to manipulate Shinji whose for all his failings, had a pure and innocent heart not unlike Madoka Kaname.
Water blurred my vision as I thought back to his maddened state each time he came back from his EVA, shaking and grinning maniacally despite his clear distress, fear and even anger that anyone thought it was reasonable to put him through all this but determined to mask these negative emotions for the betterment of his loved ones.
Shinji's heart was pure and innocent.
But there was nothing more beautiful and terrifying than innocence.
Shinji POV
There are times I wonder just how many bad cartoons Asuka, Misato, my old man and everyone around me wastes their life watch to in an attempt to escape harsh reality.
If only cartoons were real and if only I was a cartoon and not what I was.
But alas.
I wasn't Luffy. When I get hurt, it hurts and a single bullet can kill me dead since I'm not made from rubber.
I wasn't Naruto. I didn't have the Nine tailed beast sealed within me and I couldn't transform or create Shadow clones to look less ugly and multitask to do more than what I could.
I would also drop down dead long before I received nearly the number of injuries he did.
I wasn't Kirito-Kun (and though I don't dare say it even to myself, Asuka isn't Asuna since if she was, she'd hit me less and support me more). When I die, I die. No magical hacking can bring me or my friends back to life. This isn't a virtual reality game and when I try to adopt the same dark brooding persona that made Kirito's own sister fall head over heels for him, everyone bails instead and I get branded more of a pariah than I already am.
I also such at Kendo since I spend most of my time behind the controls of a big killer robot and don't have a relative as flawless as sweet, wonderful Suguha to teach me.
Rei POV
If Luffy and Shinji got into a big fight one day, I'd put all my money on Shinji no questions asked.
Luffy's stupidity and recklessness would be his end against the careful and pragmatic strategic mind of Shinji-kun. Shinji wouldn't charge mindlessly into the fray and get himself pointlessly injured.
His tactic isn't brute force. It's dodging and diving, patiently waiting for his opening to strike.
It's what makes him such a great pilot. Since unlike me and Asuka, he knows that avoiding injury and unnecessary risk is the key to victory.
What's the point of winning if your arms and legs have been torn off and you can't even enjoy it?
And what happened to the old saying that he who fights and runs away, lives to fight another day?
Asuka may have passed her exams on the top of her class in high school.
But she clearly failed Strategy 101 in college with F minus.
And if Shinji was pitted against Kirito, my vote for the winner remains completely unchanged.
Kirito doesn't know the meaning of hard work and being worked like a dog until every bone in your body hurts like hell like Shinji does.
He hasn't had to exert his body one bit in the virtual environment he's used to fighting in.
Shinji'd mop the floor, clean the table and wipe the dishes with that gamer, no pun intended.
I think I know why I love Shinji-kun so much.
He's only human. He knows he's only human with his share of flaws and quirks. And he makes endless attempts to better himself knowing the journey of self improvement never ends.
He doesn't see himself as ever enough and he never wastes time on the flaws of others because he's so busy with the flaws of his own.
And in doing so, he is fully in the moment unlike everyone else who only mopes and wishes for a better future will come from them doing nothing and putting all their pressure on him.
He dwells in his own life instead of the lives of others.
And in that way, I think he has more of an identity than every other person in NERV combined.
I want to see him continue his journey and to be there to see where he goes and where he ends up.
I don't know just how powerful he will become but I know he'll never stop.
But above all else, me and Shinji share one hobby that is shared by no one else that I know off. A secret, sacred cult that as of now, has just me and him and our trust newcomer Mari.
We are both devout followers of the Otaku community who share a common distaste of the overused phenomenon of Tsundere.
And one common cause we shared in choosing to save the world together as pilots was that if the Angels destroyed the Earth there'd be no more Anime.
And Anime was what brought us together as kindred spirits as fellow Otaku's.
"I have but three words for you right now, Asuka Langely Soryu" I whisper shrilly, one hand clutching my incredibly sore forehead.
I was having a mental breakdown out of seeing too much suffering and sadness.
"Baka Mono Ga"
YOU UTTER FOOL.
Thank you all once more for reading.
See one of the saddest recurring themes in many films both good and bad, is the theme that a superhero gets paid nothing and gets no attention whatsoever for all the good they've done.
They have to keep their identity a secret and they have to do all the work an average citizen has to do.
This is seen in many shows like Madoka, Sailor Moon, Fantastic four. Etc.
And it leads to much unnecessary depression that makes the heroes unable to fight well at best, or turn to the dark side at worst.
Keeping identities secret doesn't make anyone safer. Villains know that anyone but themselves is an enemy and can just randomly target citizens the superhero doesn't even know about to draw them out easily. But if the citizens knew about the villains, it would be harder for the villains to harm them in the first place which would make things easy for the heroes and allow the heroes to have downtime and something close to a normal life between fights which would let them fight more effectively.
It would just make things easier for everyone since the main advantage of heroes is supposed to be that villains aren't approved by the public so aren't supported and have no allies while heroes do have allies and support.
Furthermore. Superheroes shouldn't have to go to school. They already save the world which already makes them very valuable to society.
In a sense by forcing the children to go to school instead of giving them more downtime between missions, Gendo is being a complete dick since it's not necessary and it makes them unable to pilot well.
And while Shinji is not perfect, he at least doesn't try to hide his faults and does his best to improve and is genuinely apologetic for his wrongdoings.
He also holds his temper in for the most part and realizes the importance of not antagonizing his fellow pilots in the tough time the world is going through.
