Chapter 6: A Bad time.

"Limitations are the shackles we bind to ourselves" – Christmas Kitty, toy story.

"The joy you give to others is the joy that comes back to you" – Also Christmas Kitty.

Rei POV

"Finally" I inwardly grumble as the last speck of dirt is rubbed away with a painstaking motion of my one remaining arm that still possess the small bit of functionality in the slightest having been worked to the bone in the previous three hours I had been hard at work nonstop.

Asuka had already left to go and wipe down another room having finished the section she was assigned, leaving me blissfully alone with my own thoughts and chance to inwardly reflect over the first parts of my plan to put an end to NERV's wrongdoings, but most of all to curb at least some of my wholly unreasonable redheaded teammate's completely unreasonable mistreatment of my sweet love.

Yes. I called him my love.
That was what he was and would be to me starting right here and right now.

I could keep my feelings secret from those I did not and had no business trusting, but to lie to myself was to throw all of Shinji's hard work and devotion to me since the day we met back in his face.
And he already had a bad enough time with Asuka as it was.

What could I do? Who could I seek out for help? What weapons could I use?

I could do what any sane grown up would tell me to be the logical course of action and report Asuka's misbehaviour of his son to my esteemed and decorated commander and chief of NERV.
It would in any other circumstance be the laughably simple solution.

But all vestiges of the thought vanished from my mind as I recalled the air of coldness that seemed to surround the already cold dark haired man each time I even remotely mentioned the existence of his son to him even in passing.
How the room seemed to chill several degrees in temperature until I literally felt as if I were standing nude in the arctic circle in the middle of a ravenous snowstorm of which there was no end.

The tiny bit of colour from his already jaw-droppingly bleak eyes drained leaving two infinitely empty tunnels that seemed to stretch on and on forever and his hard set and unemotive face seemed to morph into a lifeless mask before my very sight, causing me on more than one occasion to nearly spill my glass of water or choke on my own spit as he captured me in his voiceless disappointment which I could not look away from however hard I tried.

The visceral images of my rundown room with its broken heating system, its cracked glass mirror and its peeling away floorboards topped off by an almost complete lack of running water. It forced me to make the long, tedious and terrifying journey down to the distant corner shop simply out of unbearable dehydration several times in the middle of the night despite countless pleas both subtle and brazen for him to do something, anything to improve my lot.
The amalgamation of horror, discomfort and unshakable bitterness brought me to my senses immediately as I mentally slapped myself for thinking up such an absurd notion.

Of course Gendo wouldn't help his son. He hardly cared for his "adoptive" daughter who he at least did not hate enough to actively avoid contact with and even his ambivalent relationship with me was enough to earn me more than my fair share of enemies from the ranks of NERV out of their envy for the relative pedestal I'd been placed upon by their clearly very uncaring leader.

Kyubey didn't help Madoka out when she was crying out against the injustices inflicted upon her dear companions Sayaka (who she could not abandon in spite of the dangerous girl's toxic tendencies) and Homura.

And Admiral Garp was nowhere to support his son when Luffy was being beaten in plain view of the cold and harsh village the young not yet criminal into, dooming the hapless lad to the start of his descent down the slippery slope.
And even Garp had the common courtesy to at least delay Luffy's inevitable capture and to spare his browbeaten and abandoned son the death sentence for when he was eventually captured.

And when I was commending Admiral Garp for the small bit of leniency he was willing to display in spite of his narcissism, it was plain that my opinion of my master wasn't exactly sky high.
To make a long story short, I was not considering nominating Shinji's father for the parent of the year award nor the noble peace prize anytime in the foreseeable future.

A second option was to run at Asuka, fists flailing.
It was certainly the most direct and hands-on approach to this mess.

I imagined the opening of the inevitably long and drawn out scrap.


Me charging into the room where the bane of mine and Shinji's existence was bound to be dully awaiting me with an expression of pure condescending impatience at being lowered to encountering a far insignificant and poor pilot who was not even in the same social class as a high and mighty foreign aristocrat such as herself.

"Hey. You've been busy haven't you." I would begin, trying my best to maintain decorum and politeness in spite of the fury dripping into my every word as I began to froth at the mouth.

"So I got a question for you. My great and powerful sincere friend, Asuka the great. Do you think that even the worst person can change? That everyone can be a good person, if they just try? (Like Shinji but that's beside the point)"

"I've no time for your stupid nonsense. Get out now before you get me really pissed off" Asuka would be certain to reply, no limit in her eagerness to wave me off like I was a fume of Dr Akagi's cigarette smoke.

"Alright. Fine. Then here's a better question" I would retort, still grinning a big grin from behind clenched teeth. "Do you want to have a bad time? Because if you take one step forward right now, then you are not going to like what happens next."

The everlasting flashback of the inconsiderate insult I made to cause the death of the closest person I could call my mother, the flawed but no less sympathetic Naoko Akagi would momentarily stagger me causing me to convulse several times as my soul momentarily left my body.

"I'm sorry, Doctor" I would weep, a trickle of tears seeping down my cheeks. "I couldn't keep my promise to always be sweet and nonviolent like a good little angel forever after all."

I would turn back to my order of business, as I began to brandish my thin and malnourished bony fists which would no doubt cause Asuka to look even further down at my frail and unfit form for combat of any kind.

"It's a beautiful day outside." I would merrily sing, the pain in my clenched together and almost breaking teeth now nigh unbearable helping to fuel my rage and hatred to its uppermost peg allowing me to shed the last remains of lucidity. "Birds are singing. Flowers are blooming. It's days like these when meanies like you… SHOULD BE BURNING IN HELL!

It would certainly make some sort of impact, although who exactly it impacted most would come down to a largely unpredictable brawl wherein years of self-defence training and etiquette in the norms of avoiding uncouth violence of any kind unless absolutely necessary would soon collapse to the level of two drunks grappling on a pavement.

In short, I would become like Misato and I didn't like Misato. Not her attitude, her drunkenness nor her failure to take any sort of actions whatsoever in disciplining Asuka after her crimes against her fellow pilots and by extension her transgressions against NERV and humanity who depended on NERV's wellbeing in particular the wellbeing of NERV's pilots, us.

And I would be breaking my word to the now unfortunately deceased Naoko and her now motherless daughter Ritsuko who had my complete sincere condolences.
I wasn't about to lower myself so basely and force upon the kindest scientist involved in my creation the agony of turning in her grave at the speed of light.

I loved her for creating me and I loved her daughter for taking good care of me in spite of her apparent but quite rightful disdain for my past mistakes.
Most of all, I wasn't about to vindicate Shinji's wholly justified presumptions of I being just another apathetic bully to steal away any last bits of joy he still clung to.

To do the same against my creator…would get me promptly shot before I had gone a yard into his office and quickly repurposed into the hollow empty shell Shinji had showed me the pleasure of improving upon. And it would leave him up the creek without a paddle and be a complete insult to him.

Since Shinji loved his father and I loved him.
My fears, my loneliness, my doubts. For the sake of the one boy who believed in me, I would put them aside.

"There's nothing I can do. Nothing!" I groaned as ecstatic footsteps hurried up the stairs and before my mind could fully register what was going on, I was quickly treated to the beautiful but calming visage of the one person of my gender without an antipathy for me in my miserable life.

The charming, quirky, and yet thoughtful and no-nonsense British Brunette Mari Makinami Illustrious who had recently arrived from Britain and was NERV's newest addition to its already "colourful" cast of EVA pilots.

Put Luffy's navigator Nami into a smart yet showy uniform consisting of a green skirt, black tights and a well starched white shirt and colour her hair a deep shade of brown while taking away her kleptomaniacal tendencies and you'd have a good idea of the appearance of my true sincere friend Mari, always Nami brown to me.

"Hail and well met. My good companion Nami Blue." She eagerly exclaims in surprisingly fluent Japanese for a newcomer clearly augmented at least in part by her status as the sole Otaku remaining on the planet save myself and Shinji.

"And to you, Nami brown." I happily say, blinking back a tear of joy as I allow myself to lose all reason for a moment to fall into the arms of the one human being willing to provide me the hugs my commander was not.
It was silly, it was goofy and to some it was no doubt completely ungodly and blasphemous and against the very concept of reason, but darned if I said it didn't feel marvellous and alleviate in me all emotional pain at least in brief as I closed my eyes and felt our hair brushing against each others faces.

"I'm so glad to see you once more" I manage to blurt out as we release each other and my sensibilities return as I back away slightly to stand against the wall beside a window overlooking the towering skyscrapers of Tokyo-3's government plaza of which NERV's HQ was the grandest structure within.
"Where've you been these few days."

"Normally I'd say, that's classified. But for you. Rei. I can tell you this. The group I associate with have made good progress into finding evidence of chief Gendo Ikari's atrocities. They've found a lead in Osaka bay which they now wish to follow up and they plan to contact me once more (in secret of course) soon.
Though we probably shouldn't talk further about it here."

"I understand" I knowingly affirm, taking a brief look around cautiously to reaffirm we are not being watched or listened in as Mari does the same having already done so once at the opening of the conversation.

We talk for a bit about the sweet and the sour and how I'm appreciative of Mari's acceptance of me as her friend and how selfless it was for her to come and risk her neck in joining us in our missions.

"Think nothing of it." She merely says. "Shinji's mother Yui deserves my appreciation for saving my life and so does Shinji and I'm happy I was able to come and meet you Rei. You're very nice. At least, I think so."

"I'm not nice." I retort, a pain in my chest welling up. "I'm horrible. Shinji's roommate Asuka has been giving him hell all his life and I didn't even realize until now and now I can't even do anything to stop her."

Mari opens her mouth in a clear attempt to reassure me but I'm not finished with my self loathing tirade yet.

"I drove Shinji away" I cried feeling as if the devil himself was standing before me judging me. "He couldn't take his father's constant abuse any longer and I just told him to shut up and start respecting that, that arrogant jerk. He comes to me for his problems, he trusts in me, and I just shoved him like he was a pile of rubbish. And now, he doesn't want to talk to me or have anything to do with me. And its all my fault."

The final line finally breaks the dam isolating the saltwater in my eyes and I let out a pained welp as water saltier than the dead sea fills my red eyes before covering the entirety of my face as my nose lets out an equally mighty and disgusting trail of nasal fluid prompting Mari to graciously pull out a pack of tissues from her pocket and hand them to me with a flourish.

I manage to let off a grateful nod as I accept them and begin to wipe away the first dews of lament, salvaging a touch of composure as I do so.

"Why! Why!?" I incredulously ask as I continue to rub the soft cotton against my cheeks with a trembling hand. "Why did I have to be so thoughtless!? Why did Shinji have to go!? Why Shinji?"

"I heard one piece is getting a new season where Luffy finally pays the price for being a bad captain" Mari tries to suggest in a cheery yet respectful tone.

"SHINJI LOVED ONE PIECE!"
I whine loudly with a stamp of my right foot, badly hurting throat and foot in the process.

"SHINJI LOVED ME!"
I shriek with a firm ram of my left foot into the hard concrete floor, causing me to hobble in unbalance now that both my limbs have been stubbed badly due to my emotional outburst.

Right foot lets stomp. Left foot lets stomp.

"HE LOVED ME AND I THREW HIS FEELINGS BACK IN HIS FACE!"

Then I punch myself, causing Mari to clutch her mouth in shock and confusion.

"Rei, don't do that…" She implores only to be cut off by my impudence once again.

"Just kill me now Mari. I don't deserve to live. I should just die right now so Shinji's father has no choice but to give some love to his son. So that Shinji only has one bully to put up with in his life instead of two.
You can take good care of him since you're so nice and you can take my place as first child since you do it so well. Shinji won't need to risk his life so many times saving my ass because I suck so much at piloting despite my best efforts.

I expect Mari to try once more to comfort me, but instead her voice grows stern and impatient.
Yet when she next opens her mouth to give to me my verbal slap of sobering, something in her kind and caring demeanour makes it apparent that unlike Asuka's similar tirades, Mari only intends to help.

"Stop these thoughts. Rei. If you think that way then of course Shinji's not going to forgive you. If you don't believe in yourself, you're not going to succeed. It's as simple as that.
If you're truly sorry and I know you are because I know you are nice. Go and apologize.
Go and tell Shinji the truth about your feelings for him. He will be grateful.
The only way to let anyone you love know you love them, is to tell them clearly and then be there for them in their time of need. Love really is as simple as that."

"It won't work…" I try to protest weakly only for Mari to raise a finger sharply before I go any further with my attempts at self degradation.

"If you believe Shinji to be the good and likeable saint as I know you do, then you should also believe that he will forgive you for your mistake if you also believe as I do that it truly was an honest mistake you had no intent of making."

She paused, more for dramatic effect than anything else.

"Now I'm not a smart woman Rei unlike you." She solemnly declared, her speech soft and therapeutic once again now that she knew I wasn't going to put myself down again.
"But because of what Yui and Shinji did for me, I know what love is. And I know that if Shinji loves you too then he'll certainly forgive you. Good relationships of any kind don't just die after one fight. Especially not one where the intention was clearly noble as it was with you, Rei."

"What do you mean?" I ask, having finally regained almost complete sanity as I clutch my left leg, the sorer of the two.

"You only wanted to respect your commander and to make sure Shinji respected his commander too so that neither of you would get in trouble and because of military protocol regarding the chain of command. That's the mark of a good soldier. You're not a bad girl, Rei. You just made some bad decisions."

"I see…" I insist with a firmness that surprises even myself as I straighten myself fully in spite of the lingering ache in my two feet.
"I understand now what I must do. Asuka can wait. Right now, I should be apologizing to Shinji before he gets the idea that I don't really care about him."

"That's the spirit, Nami blue. I think I saw Shinji headed upstairs earlier for another chewing out from his old man but I think the meeting's over now and he's…"

"Thanks Nami brown. Gotta go. See you later." I abruptly cut her off as I shakily dash away as fast as I can go in spite of my injuries, nearly crashing into the wall as I hastily make for the elevator, dashing down the stairs instead when after waiting three terse seconds after pressing the button it doesn't arrive.

I'm not going to let Shinji go one more day thinking his kindness was for nothing.

And I'm certainly not going to let him head back home this evening to be caught by the redheaded brute who was bound to be in an extremely bad mood following the annoyances I'd forcibly caused her in my investigation which concluded she truly was the hollow and unempathetic shell I'd long since grown out off.

With Shinji and Mari's help I had grown, mentally if not physically and he needed to know.
He needed to know that he hadn't been talking to a brick wall and that he would be loved.

Thanks once more to all of you people for reading.
As usual any reviews are welcome and I hope you have a nice day.
Yes. I understand that Asuka had a bad childhood but so did Shinji and a lot of the other characters.
And for Asuka to treat Shinji badly while he treats her with nothing less than the utmost respect when she knows full well what he's been through and how badly it hurts him as it hurt her, it hurts.
With most rough characters, they slowly grow to become more thankful for the kindness shown to them but in Asuka's case, she never learns anything.

To be treated well in life, you must treat others well. To have good things happen to you, you need to do good for others. This is the simple truth in life.

I can understand Asuka being mean to Shinji if he was rude and inconsiderate of her sorrows. But he tries his utmost to do everything for her to the extent when he's practically her manservant and never implies anything bad about her and that's why it's wrong for her to take her anger on him.

He's not the neglectful mum and dad who caused her bad childhood, and she needs to stop treating him as such.

Even Rei knew not to end the world eventually because of all Shinji did for her. And Rei wasn't even supposed to have emotions like love for anyone other than Gendo.

Evangelion is Shinji's story but its also Rei's story. She's the one who goes from being a hollow likeness of a person to a full human being with a meaning in life and a purpose.

Like the process of adolescence and coming of age, ironically.

p.s: Otaku = a person who watches and knows a lot about Anime.