"Thanks," Merlin said as he shuffled over the threshold of Arthur's front door carrying an overnight bag. "I brought my own toothbrush this time."
Merlin grinned, looking for all the world like a kid on a sleepover, which Arthur supposed he was. He had probably done it all the time with Will, but they were still at odds with each other, although that seemed to be getting better. Will's warning to Merlin had made an impression, but not just the words, also the fact that his warning hinted at him accepting the connection between him and Arthur. Which could explain the reason Will didn't like Arthur.
"You needn't have worried, I've still got the one you used last time. Is your mum all right with this?"
"Yeah, I know she keeps saying that it's fine, but she hasn't seen me for a year and... there are just times when it's easier to not be there because..."
"The fussing gets a bit much," Arthur said as he followed Merlin down the hallway to the spare room. Merlin headed off that way as if he felt right at home in Arthur's flat. "I know, I thought it was all right staying with mum until I came back here with you that night, and I keep making excuses now to stay here. Not that I need to. It's my flat, I live here."
"Still feel a bit guilty though," Merlin mused.
"Yeah. And I know my mum worries, she'd be doing that anyway, I guess, without all the other drama, but it would just be a bit low key. It would just be about not having a girlfriend, or not having a grown-up enough car."
"What the hell is wrong with your car?" Merlin asked.
"It's not a grown up car," Arthur said.
"Does it have to be?"
"I like my car."
"There you go then, problem solved."
"It wasn't a problem in the first place. I've got stuff in to cook but shall we get a takeaway?"
"I didn't bring any money." Merlin looked worried.
"My treat," Arthur said.
"I like cooking," Merlin told him, opening some cupboards to find out what Arthur had in them.
"Do you?"
Merlin's head reappeared from a cupboard, looking confused and mildly irritated.
"What's wrong with that?"
"Nothing at all," Arthur said placidly. "It's just not something I would expect you to be interested in."
"What would you expect me to be interested in?" Merlin asked, closing the cupboard slightly.
"Well I know about your drawing, and your cartoons. And you like dragons. That doesn't make for a mix to make me assume that cooking is another of your hobbies."
"Guess not. Geeks live off takeaways presumably."
"I didn't say you were a geek."
"I don't mind that epitaph. And anyway out of the two of us, you're the geek."
"And I do rather live off takeaways, or hospital food, or my mum's cooking."
Merlin had brought a few ingredients out of the cupboards examining the items carefully. He picked up an aubergine that lingered on the vegetable rack, looking a little forlorn and past it's time.
"Have you got cheese?" Merlin asked, staring at the aubergine so hard he might have been talking to that, since it might give Merlin a better perspective on the nuances of Arthur's kitchen.
"Yes," Arthur answered going to the fridge and rummaging for the plastic box he kept cheese in. "And another block after this one," he said putting it on the side. Merlin opened the little box.
"How very hygienic," he commented.
"Is it? I just do it because that's what my mum does," Arthur said. "What are we cooking?"
"I could do an aubergine bake, with.."
"I do have some tuna steaks, via my mother, we could grill them to go with it, does it go with it?"
"Yeah, I'm sure it will. I can add these peppers. Does any of this ever get used, or is your vegetable rack just for decoration?"
"Generally... just decorative," Arthur confessed. "I buy stuff with good intentions but then..."
"Then the veg section of the supermarket cowers in fear when it sees you coming," Merlin said with a grin. Arthur attempted to scowl.
"Do vegetables cower?" he asked.
Merlin giggled. "Only when they see you coming."
"And crisps in your case," Arthur said. Merlin scowled back, but it was a good deal less scowly than previous encounters.
"That," Merlin said sternly. "Was your fault. My mum didn't let me go shopping with her this week."
"Because of that?"
"It was pretty epic. Good thing Will was there, but his mum never takes a list and never remembers half of what she needs so he's in there every other day to fill the gaps."
"Perhaps he should just do the shopping?"
"She goes when he's at work, and she likes puzzles, so shopping is like one big memory game to her, which she's not very good at. Will and I didn't help when we were little and she used to take us."
"And persuaded her she needed things she didn't,"
"Yep," Merlin said opening drawers and rummaging until he found a sharp knife. "I'll cut this aubergine up before it totally expires and you can grate the cheese."
"Yes, Sir," Arthur said. Merlin scowled at him.
"Don't start."
"You're in charge," Arthur told him opening a drawer to try and find his cheese grater. Merlin watched him with irritated amusement. "How much cheese."
"All of that, it should be enough."
"Right," Arthur said looking triumphant as he found his cheese grater, and started grating onto a plate.
For a few minutes they worked companionably, with Arthur surreptitiously watching Merlin, who seemed relaxed and decisive in the confines of Arthur's kitchen. It was a good thing, and Arthur could sense that low hum of feeling that flickered in his mind whenever he was near Merlin. He didn't try to probe any deeper than that, knowing it annoyed Merlin and wasn't very polite to do so anyway.
"What do I do with this cheese once I've grated it?"
"Just leave it there, it needs to be put on the aubergine. Do you have any tomatoes?"
"I think so," Arthur said, turning to his fridge.
It continued on, with Merlin taking over, until Arthur did nothing more than sit at the breakfast bar, with a glass of wine in front of him and watch as Merlin bustled around the kitchen, looking quite comfortable with the environment, probably because it was Arthur's. And Arthur made him comfortable.
They ate at the bar as well, since Arthur's flat didn't have a dining table.
"This is good," Arthur said.
"Yes, and I know how to cook a perfect tuna steak now."
"My mother at least taught me that. Fish is one of her favourite foods so it's something I cook quite well. You manage vegetables."
"I was one for long enough," Merlin said. Arthur blinked and looked at him. Merlin shrugged.
"How do you feel about that?" Arthur asked.
"I thought you weren't my psychiatrist."
"I'm not, but I am a psychiatrist and your friend so, I can ask."
"Yes, I don't know. I had to do what I did and I trusted you from the moment I met you, like you were right, that you could feel something."
"I could," Arthur said. "I got the feeling from that first hour with you that you were watching everything that went on. Elena had the same feeling."
"Hers was experience, not a sense of any ability."
"You can't sense her."
"Not like," Merlin paused and waved his hand. "Between us. There's something but not clear."
"I can pick up feelings, I think. That's empathy isn't it?"
"Yes. Which is probably why you don't do well in crowds."
"What about you?"
Merlin shrugged. "I sort of feed off it. I'm a bit like Morgause in that way, and..."
"And Cenred?" Arthur asked gently. Merlin nodded tersely. He could cope with his battle with Morgause, that seemed to be on a level which Merlin could understand. Cenred had been something that none of the boys had been able to cope with. Merlin had defended himself by retreating, in the end it had been the only thing he could do.
"So, I can actually use my dishwasher," Arthur said, looking at the dishes piled by the sink and on the worktop.
"What dishwasher?"
"It's built in there," Arthur said, pointing at the cupboard to the left of the sink. "I've never used it. I might even have to get the instruction book out."
Merlin giggled. "I'm all for new experiences but that's a bit sad."
"What else do you want to do this evening?" Arthur said. "I didn't really think about that. I suppose I could attempt to get my DVD player working again."
There was a pause, as Merlin pushed the remains of the aubergine bake around his plate.
"I could do some drawing later," Merlin said, quite cagily, with a glance at Arthur, as if he didn't want Arthur thinking that was the only reason for coming round to see him. Arthur put his fork down and turned slightly, to look more directly at Merlin.
"Merlin, I know you want to try and do this, but don't put too much pressure on yourself."
"I'm not doing."
Arthur gave him a stern look. "I think you are. What does Nimueh say about it?"
Merlin glowered. "That's I'm putting too much pressure on myself, or words to that effect."
"You were exhausted last time," Arthur reasoned. "Just let it come gradually. Leon's compiling a list of possible missing people that might have a connection. It may be you could just look through some of those."
Merlin nodded. "I guess."
"We could watch a film, or some television, or… go out somewhere, for a walk or…" Arthur shrugged. That was probably not what Merlin would want to do. The whole point of coming over was to spend time with Arthur and Merlin wasn't very keen on going out. Arthur had got that hint on Boxing Day when he had taken Merlin out for a walk.
"TV, or we could do some drawing, just general stuff," Merlin assured him. "I want to get back to doing my cartoons. I have an idea."
"Ok, I'm supposed to finish my portrait for my class, although I'm not really getting very far with that drawing of my mother. Katrina picked up on it, and I think she's right." Arthur paused and thought about for a moment. "Would you mind if I had a go drawing you?"
Merlin raised his eyebrows and grinned. "You've already had one attempt."
"That could be deemed a little unethical," Arthur said, feeling his face flush.
"As the subject of that, I don't mind. I don't know if that makes it acceptable after the fact, or whatever, but yes, that's fine. I wouldn't want you to get into trouble with the teacher."
Arthur still feeling flushed asked. "Do you want to come to my art class again this week?"
"Yeah, that sort of got me a bit inspired, I might do a portrait of Dragoon the Great; although, do made up people count?"
"I'm sure Katrina won't mind."
"So, work out how to work your dishwasher and then... a bit of artistry."
It could have been that Merlin planned to use it as a subterfuge to start drawing but it still seemed like a good idea for them to fill their evening. In the end they set up in the living area of Arthur's flat, setting up two easels so they could work, Arthur glancing up at Merlin who looked utterly focused on what he was doing, but not in a way that suggested he was trying to dredge thoughts of missing boys from his mind.
Arthur could understand the need to give as many people as possible closure, but the one person that Merlin wanted closure for was himself. It made Arthur wonder again if he had, somehow, damaged Merlin that night, breaking the connection between Merlin and Morgause, violently. At the time it was all he could think of to do.
He glanced again, he had to, as he was drawing Merlin, and as he was so clearly focused on what he was doing, Arthur took from that, drawing Merlin drawing what was, in the end... himself.
"Shall we look?" Arthur asked after a good eighty minutes. Merlin looked up, eyeing his now colour smudged fingers. He had commandeered a packet of Arthur's pastels and made full use of them.
"Let me wash my hands first." Merlin said, heading off to the kitchen.
"Can I look?"
"Help yourself," Merlin said, his back to Arthur as he started to run water into the kitchen sink. Arthur got up from his position, flexed his knee as it creaked, objecting about moving after being kept in the same position for so long. After Cenred had done so much damage to it Arthur had been warned he might have issues with it, but it still took him by surprise when it happened.
He forgot all about that as he looked at Merlin's drawing, his damaged leg held off the ground as he stared at the stunning figure.
"Wow!" Arthur said, looking into the blue eyes of a picture that looked like it might be about to talk.
"Do you like it?" Merlin asked appearing at his shoulder.
"Yes, sort of a self-portrait, and a good one."
"I had the mirror," Merlin said, pointing to the small, ornate mirror that hung on the wall nearby. "Plus a year of floating outside of myself occasionally."
"Like astral projection?"
"Dunno," Merlin said with a shrug. "It was just what I did. And now I just drew him."
"He's kind of intimidating," Arthur mused, looking at the long haired, older Merlin who stared out of the portrait, a staff in one hand and the other with a glowing orb resting in his palm. There was something of a knowing smirk on his face.
"I suppose," Merlin said picking up the red pastel and adding some shading to one of the magician's sleeves.
"Has he always been, sort of based on you."
"Never really thought about it," Merlin said, straightening up again and assessing the portrait. "He's always just been in the shadows before."
"Until now," Arthur mused.
Merlin glanced at him and then nodded. "Until now."
XxxxxxxxxxxxxX
"Do you mind?" Merlin asked.
"No," Arthur said. He wasn't going to object to Merlin lying naked next to him in bed. Actually this time not entirely naked, he was still in his underwear. Arthur had his sensible striped pyjamas that Merlin had smirked at, but not commented on.
"Are you all right?"
"Yeah, I just..."
"How do you sleep at home?" Arthur asked.
"Okay I suppose. I get tired, and you sleep, but my dreams are..."
"Memories of what happened?" Arthur said.
"Not entirely but... sort of... but distorted."
"Memories generally are," Arthur said. He moved his hand carefully under the duvet until his found Merlin's arm and shifted down to take his hand. He didn't want to start putting his hands anywhere inappropriate. In fact, Arthur had the feeling that certain people wouldn't like the idea of them doing this.
"What people?" Merlin asked into the darkness.
"What?"
"What people wouldn't approve of this?"
"Did I say that out loud?"
"No," Merlin said.
"You can hear me?" Arthur asked, turning onto his side to look at Merlin's profile in the dim light. "It happened when I touched you."
Merlin's hand clenched on his. "Yes."
"Merlin?"
"What?"
"We haven't really explored this, have we. I know Morgause forced you into it, with Cenred as a catalyst, but we've never broken it down and really worked it out."
"Do we need to?"
"I suppose we wouldn't if new things didn't keep happening, but I touched, and you heard what I was thinking, in your head."
"Yes, just like, as if you were saying it to me, but I just knew it. Will told me I had become more powerful, more than he already knew, and he knew everything, I told him everything."
"And you put it into your storybooks and comics?"
"Yes, I suppose I did."
"Will still has them, doesn't he?"
"Yes," Merlin said warily.
"And you just said you want to write new ones. You've had new ideas."
"Yes," Merlin said. "Are you suggesting that I am going to scribe something about my new powers?"
"We don't entirely know what they are," Arthur mused. "but I'm involved."
"Yes, from the moment you walked into my room," Merlin said. "I could feel you."
"You held back."
"You could feel enough."
And Arthur got the feeling that at the moment it was all Merlin had to say on the subject. However, Arthur, because of who he was, pushed a little more.
"You don't like the idea of exploring it."
"Not in the way you want to do it," Merlin snapped at him. "You're like your father."
Arthur turned his head to look at Merlin's profile. "What's that supposed to mean?"
Merlin huffed. "You just... you think it's something to play with, and exploit and use to..."
Arthur lifted himself up onto his side, propping himself up an his elbow. Merlin turned to look at him.
"Do you think I think that?"
"You want to explore it. And you used me to do it."
"When?" Arthur asked, slightly shocked.
"When we went for a walk! When you kissed me!"
Arthur's jaw dropped as he remembered what he had done, and he processed it carefully. He had kissed Merlin.
"I don't think that had anything to do with it."
"So you wanted to kiss me, just because you wanted to kiss me."
It had been rather an evening for revelations, so Arthur didn't think one more thing mattered.
"Yes, I think I did."
