II
Tomorrow.
First, Rachel oversleeps and arrives at the hospital just late enough that she's actually on time. She's usually in before most, able to slide into the Attending Lounge and get changed long before Rounds even begin.
Today, she doesn't even bother with that. Instead, she heads straight for her father's office, ignoring the looks she receives on her way. They must all know what's happened; what she's done.
They have to know, because they've always known.
Rachel doesn't really expect to find LeRoy in his office, so she's a little surprised when he is. She peeks at him through the glass windows, watches the way he hunches over his desk. He looks stressed, which isn't anything new, but she suspects it's mainly to do with her.
The conversation she overheard between him and Santana last night replays in her head, forcing her to take steps forward. She needs the truth. She needs to hear from him what really happened. She needs to know.
When she does enter his office, he doesn't say a word to her. Just hands her a piece of paper and starts scribbling on another. For a second, she thinks it's some kind of confession about what really happened with Finn, but one look down proves it's almost worse.
It's Quinn's letter of resignation, effective immediately.
Rachel reads it twice, taking in the professional wording that signifies an end Rachel doesn't know she'll be able to accept. It strikes her deep in her gut that all of this is suddenly happening and she feels unmoored all over again.
"She can't," is what Rachel's helpful brain offers, which really isn't at all what she wants to say. It's just that - Quinn can't just leave. She can't. She can't just go.
LeRoy finally looks at her. "Well, what did you expect?" he asks pointedly. "After that stunt you pulled yesterday; we're lucky she's not suing."
Rachel knows Quinn would never do that, but the thought she could - that the action would be warranted - unsettles Rachel even further. She already has so much to apologise for, and she doesn't know how she's supposed to do that if Quinn isn't here.
Rachel sets the sheet of paper on the desk and straightens her spine. "After what I did," she echoes quietly. "Because this is all my fault."
"Do you have any idea how hard it's been to keep her here?" he questions. "Our Trauma Centre needs her."
Rachel stares at him. "What about what I need?"
Here, he pauses, because there's something very specific in her voice. "What?"
"Were you ever going to tell me I've been directing all my anger at the wrong person for the past three months?" she asks. "Or were you just going to let me keep hating Quinn for something she wasn't even in the room for until we both quit this damn hospital?"
LeRoy opens his mouth to speak, but immediately closes it.
It's not the first time Rachel has entertained the idea of quitting her job, moving to the forest and just spending her days as a hermit. But, it is the first time she considers it seriously.
She's not happy.
She hasn't been for so long.
Before Quinn, and before Finn, and even before Jesse. She's had moments here and there, but she's disillusioned by her career and her life and she just needs to breathe.
"Fire me," Rachel suddenly says, surprising them both. "Fire me, and keep Quinn."
LeRoy lifts his head up, back straight. "Rachel," he says. "That isn't how this works."
"Well, fire me anyway."
LeRoy blinks, seemingly caught off guard. "I've already lost one surgeon today; I am not about to lose another one."
Rachel shakes her head. "If you don't fire me; I'm going to quit."
LeRoy looks suitably caught off guard, because the words are unexpected. Just not the first time she's said them. She's threatened to quit twice before, but this is really the first time she's been serious about it.
She's done.
She doesn't think she can work here anymore. Not with this man in front of her, and not with this entire hospital in the know about her numerous breakdowns. And, as much as Quinn has hidden herself from her, Rachel doesn't think she wants to work here without her, either.
She just doesn't want to be here.
"Don't do this," LeRoy says.
"Why didn't you tell me?" she questions him. "Why would you let Quinn be the one to tell me?"
LeRoy visibly doesn't know what to say in response.
"It was because you knew I would hate whoever told me," she says. "You knew, when you sent her out to me, it would ruin our relationship, and I want to know why. Why would you do that? Why would you take a second person from me?"
"Would you rather I taken myself?"
The answer is there, on the tip of her tongue, but she rather says, "Well, it doesn't matter now, does it?"
LeRoy's jaw clenches. "I am not firing you."
Rachel puffs out a breath. "Then you'll receive my letter of resignation by the end of the day," she declares and then stalks out of the office, a single destination in mind.
Well, a certain person.
She knows Quinn can't possibly be at the hospital today, so she goes to find Santana instead. The woman is berating an intern when Rachel finds her in a corridor, which is severely on brand. She waits a little while, watching, and trying to figure out just what she's going to say when she gets Santana's attention.
Then she does, and all words fail her.
"She's not here," Santana says when Rachel can't speak. "If you wanted to finish the job."
"She resigned," is what she says.
"She did."
"Is she okay?" Rachel finds herself asking, desperate to know.
"Beth's watching her," Santana informs her. "Mild concussion."
"Oh."
"She'll survive."
Rachel shifts her weight from one foot to the other. "Do you think - " she starts, and then stops. "I want to apologise. Do you think she'd let me?"
Santana eyes her critically for a long, long time. "You know," she states. "You know what really happened."
"Nobody told me."
"You didn't listen the first time she tried, and then she just stopped trying." Santana shakes her head. "After everything you said to her; do you really blame her?"
"I - "
"Well, you blamed her for everything else, so what does it matter, right?"
It's been so long since Rachel has really talked to Quinn, or really anyone else who isn't Jesse. Even talking to Santana feels foreign in a way that she's just another adult she's hidden herself from.
She's safest with the tiny human beings.
"Will she be willing to listen?" Rachel asks.
"She's always been willing to listen," Santana informs her. "It's the people around her who might prove to be difficult to convince." She raises her eyebrows. "Do you even know what you're going to say to her?"
Rachel has an idea, but she's not going to be able to dictate that to Santana before she can to Quinn. She's the one who deserves her apology first. Her explanation. Her heart.
Maybe Santana sees something in her expression, because her own expression softens just slightly. "She's at home," she says. "Texting me every few minutes to check on her patients, even though she technically doesn't even have any of her own." She rolls her eyes. "You should go see her."
"I should?"
Santana nods. "And take her some patient reports or something. And chocolate. Wait. Take her some bacon."
Rachel can't quite figure out how she feels in this moment. "Why are you helping me?"
Santana sighs. "You went through a shitty thing, Little Berry, and so you've put nearly everyone around you through shitty things too. But, for some reason, Quinn seems to care about you, despite everything, and she's my best friend, which means I want her to be happy, and - "
"You think I can make her happy?"
Santana groans. "God, you two are both so fucking useless." She waves her hands in the air. "Please get out of my face. I have lives to save."
Rachel has the sudden desire to wrap arms around her in a hug, but she just knows Santana won't appreciate it. She does offer a grateful smile, though, and then she's on her way again. She has another destination.
Quinn's home.
She's been there only three times before. The first was the third week they knew each other, when Rachel, Sam and Jesse met to brainstorm the treatment of a new patient. There'd been wine and excessive flirting from Quinn, and when Rachel looks at it now; she smiles a little indulgently. It could have been a double date, in another life.
The second time was the first night they ever gave into their desires. It'd been after a long and exhausting shift, the two of them reeling after a morbid case. Quinn had casually mentioned sharing a glass of wine, and Rachel gave in.
She just gave in, allowing Quinn to hand her a glass of red, and then to take her to bed. Rachel thought their first time would be explosive, but it'd been slow and purposeful. It'd been a comfort for them both.
The explosive sex happened the third time Rachel went to her place. They'd spent the day teasing each other, Quinn standing entirely too close to her during Rounds and Rachel looking at her at every opportunity available. They'd barely made it through the front door before they were grabbing at each other, and Rachel spent yet another of what should have many nights in Quinn's bed.
Quinn told her, once, that she preferred Rachel's place. It was warmer, more comfortable, and Quinn liked her bed better. And her shower. Her kitchen, too.
A lot happened in those thirteen days, and all she's thinking about as she makes her way to Quinn's place is that this shouldn't be the fourth time. Not now. Not with this thing hanging over them.
It's all she's thinking about when she gets to Quinn's door, and she takes a few moments to compose herself before she lifts a hand to knock. Then she holds her breath.
Beth answers the door, because of course she's the one to answer the door.
Rachel doesn't know what to say at first - go figure - but her mouth opens and she says, "I really need to talk to her."
"She's asleep," Beth says.
"No, she's not," Rachel counters. "I know she's not, because she's Quinn, and she definitely wouldn't be able to sleep. Especially if someone is telling her to."
Beth folds her arms over her chest. "Then she just doesn't want to see you."
Rachel doesn't quite believe that either, but she's not about to force Beth to let Quinn speak to her. Or let her speak to Quinn. She's resigned to it, perhaps, and she's just about to agree to leave - for now - when Quinn appears behind Beth.
Rachel's breath catches in her throat at the sight of her, and Quinn's eyes widen in return. She looks so soft, standing there in her sweats, and her hair loose around her shoulders. She's a little pale, but there's a brightness in her eyes that Rachel recognises as being directed at solely her.
"Beth," Quinn says, hand on the teenager's shoulder. "It's okay."
Beth doesn't move.
Quinn squeezes gently. "We probably should talk," she says. "Let us."
Beth still looks uncertain, but she glances at Quinn and sees her expression, which is calm and understanding. She gives in a moment after that, and then shoots Rachel a warning glare before slinking away.
Rachel's sure Beth hasn't gone too far, but she appreciates the illusion of privacy. "Can I see?"
Quinn frowns slightly before she realises what Rachel is talking about and steps forward. She tilts her head down, turning slightly, and Rachel reaches out to touch the back of her head. There's an obvious lump, her fingers passing over the little bumps of Quinn's stitches.
Rachel's hand slides down, resting on the back of her neck. "I'm sorry," she whispers, absently drawing Quinn closer.
"I shouldn't have touched you."
"It's no excuse," Rachel tells her. "It's not."
"Okay."
Rachel steps closer, into the doorway, her hand tightening on the back of Quinn's neck. It's really the first time she's touched Quinn this way in so long. "I'm not okay," she says quietly.
"I know."
"I don't know how to be okay."
Quinn's temple presses against hers, and Rachel breathes her in. "Let me help."
"I quit this morning."
Quinn pulls back in slight alarm. "What?"
"Well, I tried to get my father to fire me, but he refused," she reveals. "So I quit."
"You can't quit."
"Well, neither can you."
Quinn puffs out a breath. "I thought it was what you wanted," she says. "You've told me numerous times that you want nothing to do with me, and I don't know how to do that while still being in the same place as you."
"Then I'll be the one to leave."
"But you're the one who has all the actual patients."
"We're not going to get anywhere arguing about this," Rachel says. "But that's not really why I'm here."
"Why are you here?"
Rachel draws her closer again, just needing to be in her space. "I'm sorry," she says again, and the words sound heavier than before. "God, I'm so sorry."
Quinn stares at her for a moment. "You know."
"I know."
"How?"
Rachel looks away. "I overheard Santana and my father talking about it," she says. "And then I found the medical report."
Quinn stiffens at that revelation. "Rachel," she breathes.
"I haven't been okay for a long time," she says. "From before you even decided to terrorise me."
"I did not - " Quinn starts, and then stops when she sees Rachel's smile. "I didn't help, did I?"
"I think you did, but not in a healthy way," Rachel says. "I think the best thing for me is to take a step back from everything and just - "
Quinn turns her head. "You're going away?" Her voice is so low, a slight crack as she speaks.
Rachel hums softly. "Did you know my parents are divorced?" she says.
"You mentioned it once."
"My other father lives in Ohio," she elaborates. "I think I'm going to pay him a visit for a little while."
Quinn gets closer, crowding Rachel's space. "You don't have to - "
"Quinn."
"Please don't - please don't just leave."
Rachel has felt out of sorts for so long, but there's something in the tone of Quinn's voice that suddenly grounds her. It settles something in her chest, and doesn't terrify her as much as it should.
"Quinn?"
Another head tilt, and Rachel can feel Quinn's breath against her skin. This moment feels important. It feels monumental.
"You should come visit me," she says. "In Ohio. Take a few days off and see where I grew up."
Quinn blinks in surprise. "You do realise I'm currently unemployed, right?"
"There's no way my father's letting you go," Rachel tells her. "You're too important to the vision he has for his hospital."
"We should open our own damn hospital," Quinn comments offhandedly, and Rachel can't resist pressing her lips to Quinn's cheek. God, she's missed her so damn much. She's missed her closeness and her attention. She's just missed her.
"You'll come visit me," Rachel says.
Quinn sighs. "I'll come visit you."
"Let me make it up to you."
Quinn opens her mouth, and then closes it. She very carefully slides her arms around Rachel's body and draws her into a hug that lasts something of a lifetime. It feels like both a beginning and an end, and she doesn't want to let her go.
"I'll see you soon," Rachel whispers into her ear, and she suddenly can't wait for it.
It takes a while, but Quinn eventually releases her just enough to kiss her softly. Gently enough that Rachel's toes even curl. It lingers in the same way Quinn does, and Rachel has never felt a love like this.
The kiss ends naturally, and then Rachel leaves. There's more she can say, but now isn't the time, and she needs to work on far too many things before they can have that kind of conversation.
Any kind of conversation, at all.
As expected, LeRoy doesn't accept Rachel's resignation, but he does approve an extended leave of absence. She hears from Jesse that he didn't offer the same courtesy to Quinn, whose own resignation was rejected and so granted no leave.
Yet, at least.
Still, Rachel tries not to think too hard about it as she packs up for an extended trip to Ohio with her father, Hiram. He's been trying to get her to go out there for months - maybe even years - and now she's taking him up on his persistent offer.
She has to spend a full day in the Paediatric Ward with her kids, passing on her patients to other doctors until she gets back. She has two Fellows working under her, but her direct link will come through Marley, mostly.
She gives Henry a long, long hug and tells him, "You better be out of here by the time I get back," and he just tells her he's going to miss her.
Then she's gone.
It's restful, being home. It's kind of perfect, actually, not really having to take care of herself. It doesn't even matter that she's in her thirties. She just needs to decompress, and it works for two weeks before she grows antsy.
She also hasn't heard from Quinn in all that time.
Jesse keeps her updated on what's happening at the hospital, given he's really the only one she actively talks to, at all socially. He takes sneaky pictures of Quinn whenever he can, merely proof she's still alive and well, and Rachel both loves and hates him for it.
She starts working on things in the house when she gets bored - which is mainly just the little herb plants her father's attempting to grow in his kitchen - and then reading up on medical journals for when she gets back to her little people.
They're really whom she misses the most. Her patients, tiny and tinier as they are. It's such an odd thing being away from them, but Jesse regularly visits and she knows that her Paediatric team is one of the best in the country.
It's after three weeks and five days that Quinn texts her a picture of herself and Henry with the caption, guess who's getting discharged
Her heart stills in her chest at the sight of them, and she's so tempted to call Quinn immediately. She wants to hear her voice and just talk to her. She wants to hear Quinn tell her about Henry and how he's doing. She wants so many things.
Before she can reply, Quinn texts again with a, fancy a call later tonight?, and Rachel wonders how she got so lucky.
That sounds perfect, she texts back, and then spends the next few hours on edge. She's not exactly panicked, but there's something about the way she can't seem to sit still while she waits with her phone on full volume that makes her feel like a teenager.
The call comes just after nine o'clock, and Rachel has to force herself not to leap to answer it immediately. She's calm. She's totally calm. She answers with a breathy, "Hello."
"There you are," Quinn says, and Rachel definitely shouldn't feel as giddy as she does just hearing Quinn's voice. "Henry said hello, by the way."
"Aw, sweet Henry," she murmurs. "You discharged him?"
"Hmm," Quinn says. "Big Berry has me covering some Paeds. I hope that's okay."
"Well, I did learn recently you're actually qualified for such a thing."
"Beth mentioned that," Quinn says.
"You didn't."
"I think we've come to realise there are a lot of things we both didn't mention to each other."
Rachel can only agree with that, because there are so many things they don't actually know about each other. She wasn't quite willing to learn before, but now she wants nothing more. She wants Quinn in a way she resisted for so long, and she's hoping Quinn wants her, too.
"Will you tell me about Beth?" Rachel asks, lying back against the pillows of her bed. "Will you tell me about your daughter?"
Quinn breathes out slowly. "She told me you've talked, before," she says. "Said she might have said some... things."
"I don't think I'm her favourite person," Rachel admits. "With good reason."
"She'll get over it," Quinn mutters, and then laughs softly. "She's a teenager who's survived cancer. Twice. She'll get over it in no time, don't worry."
Rachel has so many questions, but she holds them in. Quinn will tell her whenever she's ready.
"I had her when I was seventeen," Quinn explains, and her voice sounds heavy. "She wasn't exactly planned, I'm sure you've figured, and Beth is the only thing to come out of my entire high school experience that's worth something." She takes a breath. "My family didn't react well to my pregnancy and they kicked me out."
Rachel gasps softly, horrified. "Oh, Quinn."
"I stayed with a friend until she was born, and made the decision to give her up for adoption," Quinn continues. "I found Marcella through an agency; this woman who'd also been abandoned by her family, but for being a lesbian, and I guess I just resonated with her. She promised me an open adoption, and I actually ended up spending the rest of high school living with her and Beth. It wasn't normal, I know, but we really helped each other, and I healed in ways I wasn't sure I needed to while I was with them.
"I left for college soon after graduation, which was harder than I thought it would be. I missed them so much, but I saw them often, and they - they're important to me. They're my family."
Rachel can understand that much, because she's found family outside of her blood, too.
Quinn goes on to explain Beth's getting sick, and how that's all moulded the trajectory of her life. Her voice catches in places, and Rachel wishes Quinn were with her, so she could hold her. Just hug her and reassure her.
"But she's better now," Quinn says, clearing her throat. "She's a little shit, really, and she loves to use the fact she survived cancer to get away with murder. Marcella calls me at least once a week complaining about what Beth tries to get away with."
Rachel smiles dreamily, listening to Quinn tell her tales of Beth's antics over the years, and it's really the first time Rachel entertains the idea of getting to witness Quinn as a mother. It's something she wants, she just knows.
It's near midnight when Quinn starts yawning, and then actually gasps when she checks the time. "Rachel," she squeaks. "I have a five o'clock operating time."
"You're the one who called me," she accuses lightly.
"You're easy to talk to," Quinn shoots right back, laughing softly. "I've missed this."
"I've missed you."
"I miss you."
Rachel closes her eyes. "You know where I am," she points out. "My invitation still stands."
"What on earth am I going to do in Ohio?" Quinn asks, a slight whine in her voice.
"Me," Rachel answers without thinking, and then flushes deeply where she is. "Oh, my God. Ignore me. Pretend I didn't say that."
"You really do miss me, don't you?" Quinn teases, though her voice drops suggestively. "Miss my hands, hmm? My mouth."
"Quinn."
"Baby."
Rachel breathes deeply. "I don't want it to be like that again," she says, debating with herself because, God, she misses Quinn. "I don't want it just to be about sex anymore."
"Rachel," Quinn says, and her tone is a little sharp; pointed in a way that lets Rachel know there's no room for argument when she says her next words. "It was never just about sex."
It feels a little silly, but the relief that washes over her is overwhelming. "I know."
"It's never been," Quinn confirms. "But I really should get to bed now."
"Okay."
"Talk to you tomorrow?"
"Call me whenever," Rachel tells her. "I have all the time in the world."
"Better rest up, then," Quinn says. "You'll be getting very little of it when I get there." And then she hangs up, leaving Rachel to ponder over exactly what that means.
Well.
Quinn brings up possibly visiting another three times during their various phone calls before she says, "So, I'm thinking I can squeeze out a few days off some time next week," and Rachel dies and goes to heaven.
It's really all she says, and she doesn't mention it again until a Wednesday evening the following week when the doorbell rings and Rachel opens the door to find none other than Quinn Fabray standing there, looking a pleasant cross between nervous and cocky.
She's dressed in a light bomber jacket and jeans that shape her legs, and Rachel wants nothing more than to drag her into a dark room and have her dirty, filthy way with her.
But then Quinn says, "Hey," with an awkward little wave and the spell is broken.
Rachel blinks in stupid surprise. "You're here."
Quinn frowns. "Um," she sounds; "did you not believe me when I said I was coming?" She pauses. "Wait. Did you not mean it when you invited me?"
"God, you're an idiot," Rachel says, lunging at her and throwing her arms around her neck. It knocks them both into the doorframe, and Rachel giggles at the low groan of pain Quinn lets out. "You're here."
Quinn squeezes her tightly. "I'm here," she murmurs. "I'm pretty sure you already knew I was coming, though."
"It's one thing to know it, and another thing to have you right here," Rachel tells her, not quite ready to let go. Quinn smells so good; feels so good.
"Are you just going to keep us out here?" Quinn asks, laughing softly.
"You want to come inside, huh?"
"I mean, I can't really do what I have planned for you out here, now can I?" Quinn murmurs, and Rachel shudders at the implication behind those words.
Rachel releases her immediately, grabs hold of her jacket and tugs her into the house. Quinn squeaks in surprise, protesting the movement.
"Wait, my things," she says, but she allows Rachel to pull her inside, laughing softly. "You want me that bad, huh?"
"I want you," Rachel confirms, and then smiles innocently; "to meet my father."
Quinn's smiles slips off her face, and Rachel has to kiss her cheek in response. She's honestly so adorable. "Wait. What?"
"He's just in the kitchen."
Quinn stops walking immediately. "Baby. Wait."
"What?"
"Give me a minute," she says. "I just - do I look okay?"
Rachel loves her.
It's not a sudden thing, but she knows it's true. She's probably known it for a while. That's why everything has hurt so much. That's why she still feels so guilty over the way she's treated this glorious woman over the past few months.
"You look perfect," Rachel informs her, and then slips her hand into Quinn's and pulls her towards what is the kitchen. Quinn is adorably tense as she follows, and they step into the kitchen to find a man remarkably similar to Rachel standing over the stove.
He turns when he hears them, and his eyes widen when he sees Quinn. He must know exactly whom she is, but Quinn still pulls herself together enough to hold out her hand and say, "Dr Berry, hello, I'm Quinn Fabray."
He blinks, eyes so similar to Rachel's. "The doctor," he says, shaking her hand.
Quinn's smile holds firm. "I - yes."
"I've heard a lot about you," he says, and here, her smile falters. "From both my ex-husband and my daughter."
"I imagine not all of it has been good."
"No, it wasn't," he says; "but I don't suppose that's all entirely your fault."
Quinn glances at Rachel, questions in her eyes. How much has Rachel told her father? It really doesn't help her situation when Rachel mouths the words, He knows everything.
"Dad," Rachel says, taking pity on Quinn. "Ease up. She came all this way to see me."
"From the snippets of conversation I've heard, I'm pretty sure she came all this way to sleep with you," he comments lightly, and Quinn positively sputters at the implication.
"Dad!"
Hiram just laughs, and then turns back to the stove where he has a pot going. "I'm making dinner," he says. "Or are you two wanting to go out on the town?"
It feels like a test, and the two women exchange a look before Quinn says, "Dinner sounds great." She smiles, still a little uneasy. "I can help."
"You have good knife skills, I imagine?"
Quinn nods, forcing herself not to make a comment about her talented hands. "Yes, Sir."
"Can you julienne?"
Quinn nods again. "Definitely," she says, and then glances at Rachel before looking back at Hiram. "I - um, would you mind if I just use the bathroom quickly? Freshen up a little? It's been a long trip."
Hiram looks at her for a long moment, before his features soften. Almost as if she's passed whatever test he set. Not like she's a thirty-three year old woman, who's set her sight on another thirty-three year old woman. "Of course," he says with a small smile, before he looks at Rachel. "Sweetheart, why don't you get Quinn settled in? Where are her bags?"
Rachel exchanges a long look with her father, and Quinn gets uncomfortable enough to say, "Oh, I don't have to stay here, Sir." Her heart beats too fast. "I just showed up, and I wouldn't want to assume - "
"Nonsense, Quinn," he dismisses offhandedly, and then Rachel is reaching for her hand and tugging her out of the kitchen and right out of the house.
It's when they get to Quinn's rental car that they both burst out laughing. "Oh, my God," Rachel says. "Holy shit, Quinn. I really didn't think this through."
"I feel so inadequate," Quinn says, wrapping her arms around Rachel's waist. "I'm literally a double board-certified surgeon. I've pushed an entire human being out of my body. I've made you come nine times in one night."
"Quinn!"
The laugh she receives is glorious and beautiful. "Baby, those are the highlights of my life."
Rachel leans back to look at Quinn's face. "Then I'd probably break your heart when I tell you it was actually eight times."
Quinn's eyes widen as her mouth drops open. "Did you fake on me?"
Rachel kisses her cheek. "Maybe it was eight and a half."
Quinn shakes her head. "My goal is now ten," she declares.
"I think you're going to have to save your prowess for when we're back in New York," she comments.
Quinn hums in agreement. "I'm not touching you in your father's house."
Rachel gives her a very significant look. "Is that a challenge?"
"Don't."
Rachel's smile is all innocence, and she feels so much lighter just having Quinn here. Being able to touch her and look at her and feel her warmth. "I'm so glad you're here," she reveals.
Quinn smiles softly. "I managed to squeeze out some time," she says. "Begged and pleaded and switched so many shifts, but I'm here, and I'm glad for it too."
"We have a lot to talk about, don't we?"
Quinn presses a kiss to her forehead, which is answer enough.
They don't really get around to having their talk until two nights later. After Quinn has somehow managed to endear herself to Hiram and Rachel shows Quinn all around her hometown. She takes Quinn to all the places that are important to her from her childhood, and it feels significant for their relationship.
It happens late at night, when Rachel has Quinn in her arms and in her bed. They've just spent the evening listening to Hiram tell all the embarrassing stories from Rachel's childhood, and Quinn is halfway asleep when she murmurs, "I love you."
Rachel is surprised, but also not. She does ask, "Why?" so quietly, because she can't imagine any kind of affection could have survived the tumultuous period they've faced for months. "I've been nothing but horrible to you, taking out my grief on you at every opportunity. I've hurt you, constantly, and you - you've deserved none of it."
Quinn shifts, lifting her head. "You thought me incapable of love," she says. "You told me I could never understand loss, because I didn't know love." She licks her lips. "But I loved you, and then I lost you, and I - "
"I'm so sorry."
"I don't chase people," Quinn says. "I don't linger, either. I don't wait around, nursing heartbreak. Not for anyone. Not since I was teenager and first duped by love. But I - I did all three of those things for you."
Rachel shifts her body, moving Quinn to lie on her back before climbing onto and over her. "We can try again," she whispers, touching her nose to Quinn's. "Do it differently. Do it better."
"Beth once told me I don't let people in all the way," Quinn says. "I - I did that with you. Kept you at a distance, even though I knew all I wanted was for you to know me. It's all I wanted. It's all I want. Everything with you."
Rachel kisses her now, in the dark of the night, and it feels important. Everything feels important. "We should talk more."
"Is that your way of telling me to move my hands?" Quinn asks, and Rachel realises then that Quinn's hands have snaked under her pyjama top. They're warm against her skin, and it's really the first time Quinn's actually touched her since she arrived.
"I thought you said you're not going to touch me in my father's house?"
"I said that only because you're incapable of being quiet."
"Then you should probably know that my bedroom is soundproofed."
"What?"
Rachel kisses her again, soft and sweet. "If you want to touch, you can," she tells her. "If you want."
"I obviously want," Quinn says. "I just think we should wait."
It sounds like a good idea, but the reality of it isn't appealing. "Okay," she relents, and if there's a slight whine in her voice; Quinn doesn't mention it. She rolls off Quinn and tucks into her side, breathing her in. She doesn't know how she's going to survive sleeping in this bed once more when Quinn is gone.
Quinn shifts closer, wrapping arms around her and getting comfortable.
Rachel waits a minute, and then another minute. Again, Quinn is half asleep, but it's unmistakable when she hears Rachel whisper, "I love you too, by the way."
They both have pleasant, pleasant dreams.
"Do you have any idea when you're coming back?"
Rachel threads her fingers through Quinn's hair with one hand, the other keeping the phone pressed to her ear. She's currently leaning against a tree in the park closest to their house, and Quinn is catching a nap, head pillowed in Rachel's lap.
"I don't know, Jesse," Rachel says into the phone. "It's been quite refreshing being out of the hospital."
"That's great, Rachel, but you know you're going to have to come back, right? I would never forgive you for throwing away your talent just because your life hasn't seemed to be going the way you wanted it to."
Rachel puffs out a breath. "I don't know," she murmurs; "things really seem to be looking up."
"Did you get laid?" Jesse blurts. "Please tell me you're getting laid."
Emotionally, perhaps. Quinn has told her she loves her another three times since the first sleepy confession, and Rachel is just starting to believe it.
"Who is it?" Jesse presses. "Is it Quinn? Because she's suspiciously missing from work as well."
"Jesse," she laughs. "I was just calling to find out about Byron. Marley emailed that his parents brought him in again."
Jesse hums, and she hears him reach for something. "Your father's stressed, you know? Santana is having way too much fun messing with him."
"How?"
"She keeps insinuating you and Quinn aren't coming back, and I swear he's gone more grey in the weeks you've been gone. It's beautiful."
"You're still sour he was so supportive of the divorce."
"The man wanted to throw you a party, Rachel."
She giggles softly, watching as Quinn shifts slightly. She's stunning, even in sleep, and Rachel isn't looking forward to having to say goodbye to her the next day. "You would have attended that party," Rachel points out.
"Not the point, babe."
Rachel hums. "Can you just tell me about Byron please?"
He grumbles a little, but eventually does as requested, and the two of them spend the next fifteen minutes discussing the tests Rachel needs them to run and possible treatment plans.
Rachel loves her little human beings, but she really hates it when they have to come back to her.
When Quinn wakes, Rachel is just finishing up replying to Marley's email, and she's rewarded with numerous kisses to her face. She kisses Rachel's neck, lips moving down below her collar until Rachel has to push her away and remind her they're in public.
Quinn just laughs, leaning away and stretching her arms in the air. "We're going on a date the second you get back," she declares.
Rachel raises her eyebrows. "Is that just because you don't want to look like a complete horn dog?" she asks in amusement.
"I'm classy," Quinn says, grinning. "I have to get calories into you before we burn them all off."
"Going for the ten, hmm?"
"I don't think we'd manage it the first night," Quinn says, and she sounds so serious, as if this is something she's given significant thought. "We'd have to build up to it." She leans forward, gently kissing Rachel's lips. "I have months to make up for, you know? We are going to have so much sex; you won't be able to walk properly for weeks. Fuck. For months."
"If you're trying to provide me with incentive to get back to New York faster, it's working," she says.
Quinn's smile is positively blinding. "I can hardly wait."
When Quinn leaves, Hiram tells Rachel, "I wasn't sure I was going to like her, but I do."
Rachel almost laughs. "Yip," she muses; "it's kind of a superpower she has."
"You're going to have to go back soon," Hiram points out. "I love having you here, Sweetheart, but there's a woman waiting for you in New York, whom we both know would love nothing more than to build a life with you."
The truth of his words is a little terrifying, but still heartening. There's comfort to be found in the knowledge that Quinn is waiting for her; that Quinn is ready to take these steps towards a real relationship with her.
"I know," Rachel finally says, because she does.
It still doesn't stop her from taking another two weeks to settle her mind and wrap her head around what it's going to mean when she does get back to New York. Back to the hospital. Back to their people.
Quinn's people.
Rachel expects things to be a little rocky in the beginning, especially if she and Quinn intend to be public with their relationship. The mere thought of it gives her slight anxiety, but she's come to accept that Quinn is worth it. She's always been.
It takes a further two weeks to decide she's ready to return to New York, and then another full week actually to land at LaGuardia. She didn't mention her arrival to anyone - especially not Quinn - and she has to force herself to stop by her own place to drop off her bags before she heads to Quinn's.
She takes great pleasure in being able to surprise the blonde woman, which she ends up doing rather spectacularly. Quinn is already in her pyjamas when she answers the door, wine glass in hand, and Rachel can barely contain herself. She throws her arms around Quinn's shoulders, forcing her backwards, and she's just aware of the door slamming shut behind her.
Quinn lifts her off the ground and spins her around in her little foyer, and they share a laugh that sounds like a release. "You're here," Quinn says in a bit of wonder, and Rachel can feel her breath against her skin.
Rachel nuzzles her cheek. "Did you not believe me when I said I was coming?"
Quinn laughs again. "Using my words against me, I see."
"God, I missed you."
Quinn leans back just far enough to be able to kiss her, and it's really a miracle she's able to hold onto her wine through the next few minutes.
And Rachel used to think reunions were overrated.
They eventually break apart and Quinn says, "Want some wine?"
"Not as much as I want you."
"Baby," Quinn groans. "Please just say yes to the wine, so I can count it as a date, and then I can take off your clothes."
Rachel looks at her, tiny smile on her face. "Okay."
Quinn smiles something like relief, and it's an expression that shifts to pleasant smugness by the time she's managed to get Rachel to a truly commendable five some hours later.
Rachel's return to work happens on a Tuesday, and Quinn meets her disgustingly early in the morning with a hot coffee, a soft kiss and a tap to her ass that really equates to you're going to be okay, I love you, and I'll see you later for lunch.
Rachel doesn't stop in to see her father. She hasn't spoken to him since the first day she tried to resign, and he's since stopped trying. Instead, Rachel spends her morning in the Paediatric Ward, reading up on her patients and just spending time with them.
There are new ones she needs to meet and learn about, and then there are the patients she left behind and have found again. Those are the most heartbreaking ones, and she makes sure to spend the most time with them as possible.
What she quickly learns, though, is that Quinn has been spending a lot of time with the little people. They all talk about her, which warms Rachel's heart and merely proves Rachel has finally made the right choices when it comes to her love life.
It hasn't always been easy. She dated only boys in high school and college, very rarely actually being alone.
Then there was Maria, and Enid.
Tom, Lara, Brian, and finally Jesse. He was supposed to be the last, her one and only. He was smart and funny and a fellow surgeon and they worked perfectly until they just didn't anymore. Marriage ruined their relationship, which they both agree on, and the divorce was as quick and painless as it could be while still being an end to something meant to last a lifetime.
There was a string of one-night-stands that followed, and then there was Finn. It was always going to be a disaster, which Rachel knew before she even got involved with him.
The end was ugly, and the aftermath was uglier. Quinn arrived to stir things up, as well, and Rachel has been on edge ever since.
Well, she was.
Not anymore.
Now, she feels settled, even a little content. She knows there's so much she still has to work on: individually and with Quinn, but she's willing and she's ready and she's in a better place than she's been for a long time.
As a result, she makes plans to have lunch with Quinn, only to be dragged to a table by Jesse who forces her into a chair and says, "Please tell me your love life is going better than mine."
Rachel has to force herself not to smile as she takes out her phone to text Quinn about the change in their plans. "What's happening with you?" she asks, sending an additional heart emoji to soften the blow. "I thought you and Sam had things sorted."
Jesse's eyes widen. "I never said anything about Sam," he deflects.
"Jesse," she says, chuckling. "You're kind of useless when it comes to him."
"Well."
"Well what?"
"Apparently, I haven't expressed my affection properly," he says with a shrug that is too casual actually to be. "He's been seeing Blaine these days. He claims it's not serious, but I - "
"He wants to go public?"
"I just think he's tired of hiding."
Rachel can't help thinking of Quinn. The two of them aren't exactly hiding, but there's a mutual desire to keep their relationship as private as possible. Just to save them from the scrutiny.
"Which is fine," Jesse adds a beat later. "He could no more force me out of the closet than I could force him back into it."
Rachel meets his gaze, understanding settling over her. "You like him."
Jesse doesn't respond to the statement, which says a lot more than words ever could. "Tell me about you," he says instead. "Are you as miserable as I am?"
If he'd asked a few weeks ago, her answer would be different, but today she allows herself a smile. "I'm doing better," she tells him truthfully. "I - I started seeing a therapist again when I was in Ohio, which was really helpful."
Jesse's features soften. "That is very good to hear," he says. Then: "But you're also getting laid, aren't you?"
Without her consent, Rachel actually blushes, a memory of Quinn writhing on top of her flashing through her mind.
"Holy shit, you are?"
Rachel shakes her head, smile widening. "A lady doesn't kiss and tell."
"Bullshit."
Her smile just grows, and she looks down when her phone buzzes. It's a text from Quinn: a sad face emoji and the words, I had such naughty plans for us. Does this mean I'll have to see to them myself?
Rachel groans at the thought of Quinn... taking care of herself, and she has the sudden urge to find Quinn right this instant.
"Ooh," Jesse says. "Did she just text you? Is it something dirty?"
Rachel immediately locks her phone, cheeks flushed. "I need to go."
"What? No," he protests. "You can't leave me for sex. That's not how the bro code works."
Rachel is already getting to her feet. "I am in the blissful honeymoon phase," she tells him. "If she wants me, whenever she wants me, what kind of crazy person am I going to be to say no?"
"You don't have to say yes every time," he points out, which Rachel already knows, of course. Quinn would accept her response either way, which is really the beauty of her love.
The thing is, though, Rachel wants perhaps more than even Quinn does.
Sometimes, Rachel is caught off guard by the stark difference between Quinn, her gorgeous and lovely maybe-girlfriend, and Dr Fabray, the hard, professional and enviously brilliant surgeon. At times, it is impossible to think of them as the same person beyond the fact Rachel gets turned on by them both.
Rachel spends the first month back adjusting to her new schedule. She delegates more, giving Marley more responsibility. She's just so eager and determined to pursue the speciality, and Rachel seems to have found her desire to teach once more. She has more patience now, which she's willing to accept is Quinn's influence.
The sex, yes, but also just having her around. Being able to talk to her. Just knowing she's there, constantly in her corner. It's amazing, really, how having the support of someone she loves has transformed the way she approaches her work.
She won't tell Quinn that, of course, because she's already grown an entirely too big head. It was already huge before, but now she's on this mission to torture Rachel into a sex coma, which, yeah.
While Rachel takes a small step back from running her Paediatric Ward single-handedly, Quinn seems to settle into Trauma that bit more. She seems comfortable, determined in a way that's positively sexy.
It's obvious to anyone looking that she's staying, and Rachel can't help the relief that brings her. Quinn is building a life, here, in this hospital, with these people. With Rachel.
Quinn takes the reins of her Trauma Centre, with LeRoy's reluctant blessing, and the results are astronomical. It was already a respectable Centre prior to Quinn's arrival, but she takes it to national-best levels, and Rachel has never been more proud.
Or in love.
It's really just a lot of good feelings.
It's a lot of everything Rachel wishes she managed to experience before Quinn, just so she would be prepared. Because they're in this relationship and it's serious, and Rachel didn't really anticipate what it would be like to have a Quinn Fabray completely faithful and devoted to her.
They talk about it, sometimes; about Quinn's previous aversion to relationships. Mainly in the dark of night, when Quinn is sleepy and comfortable, arms wrapped around Rachel in one of their beds.
One night, Quinn says, "You make me happy," and Rachel feels her heart grow in her chest.
"Am I the first one to?" she asks, because she needs to know.
Quinn nuzzles her cheek, puffing out a breath. "No."
"Oh?"
"There was a woman, once, a long time ago," Quinn explains. "My intern year, actually."
Rachel knows that year was trying for Quinn, particularly in relation to Beth.
"She didn't know about Beth until she did, and it wasn't... pleasant." She shakes her head. "After that, I didn't mention her to people. Not many really understand what she and Marcella mean to me. And then, as soon as I created that disconnect, it became harder to let people know me and love me the way a relationship demands."
"I haven't forced you into anything, have I?" she asks, suddenly worried.
"I love you, Rachel," Quinn says. "I also love myself more now than I ever have before, and I know you think you're all powerful, but I generally don't do things unless I want to."
Rachel laughs softly. "Powerful?"
"I would do anything for you," Quinn reveals. "It is both terrifying and freeing, but I love what we have and I love what we're building."
"This is what you want?"
"I've never wanted anything more," Quinn reveals. "Besides the good health and happiness of my people, of course, but I'm really the most selfish when it comes to you."
That's it, isn't it? This relationship, it feels like it's just theirs, and Rachel isn't going to let it go easily.
Not for anything.
