Disclaimer: I do not own the Avatar world, that is all owned by Michael Dante DiMartino and Bryan Konietzko.
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Chapter 28
Pain
"Elsi is dead… Elsi is dead…"
Wikilow wasn't aware of where he was going. He just knew he was going away. His eyes rapidly flashed in and out of the Avatar State. He gasped and tightly clutched his chest, uniform wet with sweat. He couldn't breathe. Wikilow stumbled, vision blurry with tears. The image of Elsi's dead body haunted his mind. The blood on her clothing, on the spikes. The Dai Li agent's laugh. It was burned into his memory.
He hurt so much. And he didn't know why.
One part of his brain tried to rationalize the situation. He had seen so many deaths before, killed so many before. Lots more brutally than a stab to the heart. The Avatar had heard screams before. Blood and death were no stranger to Wikilow. Her death was no real loss to the Resistance. She wasn't anyone special, she wasn't, she wasn't, she wasn't…
He knew all this, yet it still hurt. It hurt Wikilow.
"Why am I in pain?" Wikilow desperately begged for an answer, voice hoarse. It wasn't right! He shouldn't be injured! But every beat of his heart was an earthquake. Every breath a lightning storm. Everything around him blurred together like a ripple in an ocean. As each word came out with a fiery burn.
Elsi was special… special to him. Why was she so dear to him? There was always something about the air bender. A feeling he had liked that she always made him feel. That made him happy and wanted to always be with her. That made the world seem smaller and brighter. When she smiled and laughed, it made Wikilow happy. The intangible feeling that had been dormant inside for so long, what was it?
"I love you." Elsi had said so long ago to him. Love… that's what Wikilow felt. He had loved Elsi. He understood that now. But, it was too late. Because she was dead and time couldn't move in reverse. Wikilow shakily felt the cheek that Elsi had kissed that night. She had loved him for so long, and he had only realized what exactly that meant now.
Love was causing him to hurt. Emotions were causing him to hurt. Wikilow didn't like it. He felt vulnerable and wanted the pain to stop. Why did he have to feel all this? He wanted things to go back…
The Avatar felt himself stumble again, catching himself with a cracked clay wall. He leaned his head against the cool surface, trying to block out the world. But, something was breaking. Wikilow couldn't stop the torrent of emotions that threatened to overwhelm him. His eyes began to close on their own accord…
"Wikilow…" Elsi would never say again…
And Wikilow collapsed.
—
"…um… Wikilow?" A soft, shy voice called. He slowly opened his eyes to see a very much alive Elsi watching over him. "…You're awake…" Elsi quietly cheered, a small smile on her face. Wikilow gasped, throwing himself upright. "Eep!" The air bender yelped, jumping at his reaction. He stared, unsure if what he was seeing was real. "…Are you okay?" Elsi asked.
"…Elsi?" Wikilow whispered, eyes turning misty.
"Yeah, that's me." The air bender chuckled. Wikilow wanted to believe he had somehow travelled back in time. But, he knew better. He wiped his tears away.
"…You are dead." The Avatar stated, forcing his emotions back. Elsi paused, before sighing. The area he had awoke in, some sort of forest faded away to an endless white void. She folded her hands in front of her.
"That's correct." Elsi replied, looking down. Wikilow was silent, not wanting to think. "Everyone lives and dies at some point, Wikilow. I died doing my duty." She calmly announced. He only blinked. "You shouldn't feel sad." She logically reinforced, hiding her face. Wikilow felt his chest, before allowing his hand to drop. He took a large breath before speaking.
"How do I make the pain stop?" Wikilow asked.
"Stop feeling." Elsi answered.
"I-I can not do that…" The Avatar turned down, shaking his head.
"Why?" The air bender interrogated, tilting her head.
"I… I do not want to stop feeling. Even if I am in pain because of it." Wikilow explained, eyes bulging with life. It was true, though he wanted to stop the pain. Wikilow didn't want to return to feeling nothing at all. He had been hollow and empty before meeting Elsi. He didn't want to go back to that. Why couldn't he only feel emotions like happiness and love?
"You're human." Elsi stated, as if knowing what he was thinking. "People need to feel things to truly live. And humans need sadness and despair to know what happiness and love feel like. To truly appreciate it." She preached, echoing her previous words. Wikilow didn't respond, clenching his hands into fists. There was something off about the Elsi in front of him. Something that wasn't fully human.
"Are you even here?" Wikilow questioned, fists trembling.
"…You already know the answer to that…" Elsi simple retorted, turning away. "Goodbye, Wikilow." She whispered.
"Don't leave…." He whispered. But their time came to an end, and Wikilow woke up.
—
Wikilow opened his eyes again, finding himself propped up against the wall of a building. He was in some kind of clothing store that hadn't been too badly damaged by the fighting outside. Confused at how he got there, Wikilow looked around.
"Hey, Wikilow." A female voice greeted. A voice belonging to someone he hadn't seen for over a year.
"…Rin?" The Avatar quietly acknowledged, surprised that his former partner was present. Rin was spinning her spear in her hands, leaning against the opposite wall to him. He didn't comment on her appearance change. "Why-" He tried to ask but was interrupted.
"Joined the Resistance. Came over for the fight but mainly talk to you and Elsi." Rin quickly explained, getting it over with.
"I see." Wikilow stated, not pushing any farther. But, he could surmise some of the events that had occurred to Rin. Specifically, the wooden peg that she prominently showcased. "I am the only one you will need to speak with…Elsi is dead…" He quietly reported, eyes closing. Rin tensed, before nodding.
"Oh…I'm sorry." She muttered, biting her lip. "She really cared about you-" Rin started before Wikilow uncharacteristically cut in.
"I know. I cared about her as well." He whispered, silencing her. "I imagine you want your water bending returned." Wikilow droned, voice sounding so very broken. His head sunk lower while shadows hid his eyes.
"My water bending?" Rin repeated, nearly dropping her spear.
"It is the logical course of action." The Avatar stated, forcing himself to stand.
"No!" His former partner resisted, eyes passionate. She used to spend her days thinking about this possibility. Wasting hours upon hours of her life dreaming of it happening. There had been a time in her life where Rin thought she was nothing without bending. "No…I… I don't need it anymore…" Rin turned down, loosening her form. She knew she was more than that. Wikilow tilted his head at her answer.
"Water bending would provide many important assets that would be extremely useful-" He began before Rin groaned.
"Well, I was trying to be dramatic and stuff… but, now's not the time to think about me, or that…" She waved off. "I'll ask another day… when you're okay…" Rin informed, grinning.
"I see." Wikilow nodded, saying no more. A loud boom ricocheted throughout the store. Racks of dully coloured and poorly made clothes falling over. A piece of the ceiling fell down, shining few rays of light inside. "We should return to the fight." He reasoned, but made no move himself.
"I wouldn't worry, friend. Resistance has been winning. It's ending soon." Rin dismissed, absentmindedly standing fallen displays up. There was a broken statue in the store's corner. He nodded before, narrowing his eyes.
"Are we friends?" Wikilow quietly asked. His former partner looked away, before grabbing her own face back in his direction.
"…Maybe… I'm sorry for how I treated you during our partnership, Wikilow. I was scared and couldn't stand up to the Dai Li. You deserved better." Rin admitted, guilt lacing her voice. He didn't respond at first, before finally meeting her gaze. For a while Wikilow just stared, as if studying the young woman in front of him. However, she couldn't see how eyes through the shadows of his hat.
"…You have changed." Wikilow observed, taking Rin aback. She took some time to gather her thoughts and respond.
"You have too." Rin replied, comparing the emotionless boy from their youth to the Wikilow in front of her. "I might actually be able to get a laugh out of you one day." She chuckled, but he didn't react. Together they sat in silence as the sky darkened to night. Then colours painted the black ocean, fireworks. A signal the fighting was over.
"They'll be looking for you." Rin stated, slowly moving her arm from left to right.
"I know." Wikilow answered, and something about his voice. His demeanour, gave her the impression he wanted to be alone. There was nothing more to talk about. Rin played with her hair, before moving to exit the shop. However, Wikilow said one last thing to her.
"How do you make the pain stop?" The Avatar questioned, staring ahead at the ruined store's darkness. Rin paused, at first confused as to the nature of his question. But, she soon understood and didn't need to think.
"You don't. You man up, mourn and learn to live with it." Rin firmly stated, before sighing. "Take care, Wikilow. I'll catch you later." His former partner parted, leaving her words to fully settle.
—
Another hour passed, but Wikilow remained in his statue-like position. He had begun to feel numb to the pain. He didn't want to live with it.
"Elsi…" Wikilow whispered, clenching his fists. Unleashing a new wave of tears that stained his face. Driving his broken pieces farther apart, Wikilow fell down against the wall. He tried replaying his memories of Elsi, tried to feel happy. But her corpse would penetrate his mind and force him back to the present pain he felt. It was like the pain was eating away at his emotions, forcing him back to a hollow shell.
He didn't know what to do… and he hated it…
A tap from the window shattered his thought process. Had someone from the Resistance located him? He had the fortune until that point of people mistaking him for a corpse. Unsurely, Wikilow turned toward the store windows.
Gale insistently tapped on the window, a crystal pendant in their beak. Somehow both were unnaturally pristine in the face of the operation. The spirit bird's snow white feathers reflecting moonlight.
Wikilow's eyes widened. Gale continued to tap the window, pointing their head toward the door. Slowly, the Avatar rose and pried it open, numbly watching as Gale hopped inside the store and to his feet.
"Gale…?" Wikilow whispered, crouching down. "…What are you doing here?" He asked. Gale stared up at Wikilow, eyes an endless pool of wisdom and understanding. Sympathy and compassion swirled in the spirit, so much like Elsi. They pulled his hand open with their head and dropped the crystal pendant inside, proceeding to hop back.
"This belongs to Elsi. Why are you… giving it to me?" Wikilow questioned, in shock. Gale didn't say or do anything in response. The Avatar brought the pendant closer. He loudly breathed in and out, studying the crystal.
"I only show this to the people who are close to me, so I can keep them close to my heart." Elsi had explained when first showing him the pendant. Wikilow's tears dropped on the blue surface. He brought it to his chest, sobbing. Gale gently rubbed their head against his leg in a comforting manner. Wikilow realized something through his tears. Elsi had felt this pain before, yet she had continued with her life. She had continued to live despite the pain.
Elsi would want him to live.
Carefully, he hung the pendant around his own neck. Taking extra care to hide it behind his uniform. Wikilow turned to meet Gale's gaze, silent nodding to show his appreciation. He allowed Gale to climb up his arm and unto his shoulder. With a slight stumble, the young man exited the shop. The shadows receded, showing his face to the world.
The pain was still there, it wouldn't leave. But he could put the pieces back together again. Wikilow walked down the street, something new stirring inside. A single thought that lit up the hollow void.
Wikilow would live.
—
He and Gale walked up the mountain alone. The night winds greeting him like an old friend. Wikilow had a single goal in mind as he entered the Resistance base. They were being careless, drunk with pride. The entrance was wide open as they partied in the main caves. Wikilow was able to weave through the crowd unnoticed for once. The Resistance celebrating their recent victory against the Dai Li. Well, their victory. It certainly wasn't a victory for Wikilow.
Not everyone was in the base. Many joined the public in Kang City's streets. There were some groups out looking for him, including the Beifong family and Arlo. Earlier, he had ripped the information regarding Elsi's body out from one of these groups.
Wikilow knew exactly where to go.
They had taken great care handling Elsi's body. Taking her to a small private cave that was closed off. She lay on a stone pyre. Flowers from the mountain decorating her corpse. Hiding her fatal wounds. Soon, Elsi would be transported back to the Southern Water Tribes. Where she could rest in peace with her family. But, before that happened…
Wikilow entered the cave, the guard allowing him through without question. His uniform was still marred with signs of fighting. But, it didn't matter. He froze when seeing his lover's corpse. It was as if she were merely asleep. The tears returned, dripping like thunder to the floor. However, he pushed forward.
Gale hopped off his shoulder and stood on the pyre's edge, looking at Elsi sadly.
Wikilow stepped next to the spirit. Feeling his face he was briefly lost in his mind. Pulling himself out, Wikilow grasped Elsi's hand in his own.
He stayed like that for the entire night. No one disturbed the Avatar. Not even when Arlo and his family returned, they allowed him to grieve in private. Wikilow mourned Elsi, even if he couldn't mourn her right, he would try.
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Authors Note: I wanted this chapter to be longer. But, I couldn't figure a lot of things out.
