Chapter 6

A cool breeze caresses my bear shoulders, and I shiver at the sudden coldness. I should have taken Kate's advice and taken something warmer then a thin cardigan, that is now soaked and being carried in my hands. I've been in Seattle for a while and it's turning into living hell right at this very moment. New York was home, it felt safe... and I decide to banish the memories just as quickly as they came. But its not home anymore. I wanted to leave, wait scrap that, I needed to leave, there was just too much there for me to handle. So here I am, in Seattle, covering myself and trying to rub some life back into my body but I still felt numb. I feel confused and scared, as I mentally run through the events at Heathman hotel and conclude that whatever happened in that restaurant was way beyond anything that I have felt before. It was dangerous territory and I walked right into it. The whole time I was... with him.. I felt weak and turned on which is not a combination of emotions I felt satisfied with, it made me angry, mortified, and even embarrassed. All of which I knew he could see by the smug expression on his face and to top it all off it was all my own damn fault, of course. As soon as I saw him striding towards me with such grace in the lobby with that dangerous look in his eyes, I knew I had to get out of there. It was a simple thought back then, he is too powerful and intense and that alone can uncover more of my secrets that I am so desperately trying to hide from the world. My first instinct was to tell Christian Grey to fuck off. Why the hell didn't I do that ? Instead I let it play out to try and find out more of what he knows and the tables were turned on me. He was trying to negotiate, which was what I got from the few words I let him say but I was not in any position to negotiate anything back there. Everything in my head was going through it a million miles per hour as soon as I found out that he knew and I was not just going to sit there and listen to him playing it so sneakily and calmly. I just had to leave, I repeat for the hundredth time but it doesn't sound any more convincing then the first time I said it. The judgements in my head and body are fighting, it feels as if they are two different universes colliding together and there is nothing that can stop them... not this time. While my body craves the feel of his body against it, my thoughts are screaming at me to stay away. I've started playing with fire to show him and myself that I can handle anything that life throws at me but I was wrong. He is not just Christian Grey, he is more then that, he's dangerous just like fire is to the touch. I need to stay away, I need to stay away... but even this does not calm my craving for him. What on earth is wrong with me? I start feeling more angry then anything else, but I prefer angry, and I can deal with angry.

After hours of walking and analysing everything in my head I found myself in Dr Flynn's office after refusing to go home or see anyone for that matter, I was just too overwhelmed with everything. I always ended up in the exact same spot whenever things got out of hand and when I couldn't take anymore whips thrown at me. I have been seeing Flynn for years now, here in Seattle, which is another reason as to why I convinced Kate to move here. I just wanted to be closer to him so that when the time came he was right there. The first few years of therapy were the worst and almost always I had to be dragged to them. At the age of twelve when all the horrors I've been through came out I was taken to see shrinks to help me deal with it and to move on. I remember at the time, not talking for ages, going through the past events over again, the constant fear, and not trusting anyone that spoke to me. Raymond Steele was who took me in, after finding out everything that happened from my social worker, if it wasn't for him I would not have had a normal home... a loving home. I force myself to breathe through the wave of emotions and I succeed to calm it. I just owe him so much. He was devastated and furious after he heard what my father did and how the woman he once loved and probably still did, didn't do anything to help me. She choose to stay with my father and not start a new romance with Ray. She made a huge mistake and to deal with the situation she got us both in she turned to alcohol and also turned away from me. As soon as I got to my new home, Ray took me to different shrinks all the time and after finding out that no improvement has been made I started therapy with someone else again but then he found Flynn. After that I remember that things slowly started to look less dull, I could see more colour in life and therefore more hope. I spoke again and started the long healing process that is still apparently continuing, since I am in his office right now.

I stand staring down through the slatted wooden blinds at the people running away from the rain and cars driving past to distract myself. It's almost ten at night and I am still thinking about Christian and what he knows. After the million voicemails I left on Flynn's phone I managed to get a late night appointment which for sure is going to be costly, but I can afford it so the price is not the issue.

''Ana, I'm more then happy to take your money and watch you stare out of my window, but since you are here at this time I am sure you have something important to discuss.'' Flynn says.

When I turn to face him he's observing me and is patiently waiting behind his desk. I sigh and make my way to the couch so I can have more distance from him, for now anyway.

''The nightmares are back and they are more real then ever.''

I wait for his reaction but as the professional doctor he is his wrinkly but handsome face is impassive and all I see is his brow lifting making the wrinkles more prominent. Well that's more then anything I got out of him before which can only mean one thing, I've surprise him. ''The same ones?''

''Yes''

''What has changed since the last time we spoke?'' He cocks his head to one side, looking at me, and waiting for my response. But as the coward I am I drop my gaze and look at my knotted fingers and remain silent. What can I say? That I have met a hotshot billionaire? That he knows my secret? That I crave him? That I want his hands all over me?

Instead I say ''Nothing really'' while keeping my eyes firmly on my hands and avoiding his at all costs.

''Ana, you do not look yourself and I am here trying to understand why but you are not giving anything away. Something's happened.'' I don't feel surprised that he knew I was lying, since he always knew. There was nothing I could hide from him in any session I've had with him, every time I tried I failed, which is the case here. I don't know why I even bother. Part of me wants to tell him everything but the other part doesn't as then it will become real and I'll have to deal with it the conventional way. I roll my eyes and look at him again, wanting him to see my annoyance but as always he doesn't react to it.

''I had a client today''

''And?''

''He wasn't what I expected.'' I swallow as I picture him once again in my head.

He looks surprised again. ''You've met with clients many times in the past to discuss the arrangement,'' he pauses ''and they always went smoothly as you said in our past discussions. Why wasn't he what you expected?'' He asks the one question I dread to answer and the one I wished he didn't ask. But he still did and now I will have to give him an answer.

I stare at him blankly. Why wasn't he what I expected? Because he is Christian Grey. Because he owns a huge company. Because he is beginning to become irresistible. But most importantly he found out about me. I was for sure not expecting him to be there and after my undeniable attraction to him at his parents house I was sure I could put that behind me but I was so wrong.

Flynn interrupts my thoughts. ''It's a simple question, Ana''

''He knew. What else do you want me to say?!'' I shout, loosing the battle of keeping my anger intact and throw it at Flynn. His face remains kind and concerned but still gives nothing away even when I want him to tell me what to do.

''Anger is not going to solve anything, Ana, do you want to elaborate on that?'' The stupid thing is that I do! But if I do it will all come flooding back to me when I want it all to be blocked out. What other choice do I really have? To run? But that never solved anything in the past! Oh for crying out loud! I jump to my feet, unable to remain seated. And start pacing up and down his way to big office, I am fuming mad, and just because I can't gather my thoughts together at all. One look at Flynn and I know that he knows I am loosing it but he remains silent which is driving me more insane and crazy.

''He knows what I do.'' I whisper so quietly that I am not even aware whether he heard it.

He has ''How did you feel when you found out?'' He prompts.

I stay standing and shrug, but he persists. ''Let's start with this, what was your gut telling you to do when you saw him today?''

I look to the side at his immaculate desk as the scenario plays out in my head. ''I was in the lobby, rushing to get in for the ordinary appointment I thought I was having. But we both know it was not what I expected.'' I sigh and look at him for support. ''My first instinct was to tell him to fuck off, when I found out that he knew.''

A smile is itching its way in but I put my mask back into place. ''Why did you want to tell him that? Or better, what caused it?''

I sit back down but closer to him this time, on a chair facing him directly with no desk between us. ''He's a powerful man, Flynn, and with powerful men I know I should not mix.'' He starts typing away on his laptop but I know his full attention is still on me and so I continue. ''He gave off a dangerous feel.''

Flynn looks up and frowns. ''I don't understand.''

After putting a strand of still wet hair behind my ear I begin to explain this mess in my head. ''Any rich and powerful man has the power to find your secrets. To broadcast them everywhere, I don't want that. I hide it from my best friend, do you understand that, how hard that is?'' I look at him through the blur in my eyes, waiting for a reaction that I know I won't get. ''No one can know what I do for a living and that I enjoy it and the fact that he knows is making me feel...''

''Making you feel how?''

I cross and uncross my legs as I inhale sharply, and feel my gut tightening with fear . ''Out of control.''

He makes another note on his laptop and nods as if my crazy situation is making perfect sense. ''Have you found that hard to cope with?''

I nod.

He rubs his chin as he studies me closer. ''Let's focus on this need of hiding your secret.'' But all I manage to do is nod again while remaining very still. ''Have you thought about telling Kate, that I am aware is your best friend, is this still the case?''

''Yes'' I almost spit the word out. ''I mean she is still my best friend and yes I have thought about it many times.''

''Do you think that telling her would help you?''

''No...'' I sound confused but that's fine since I am more then that anyway. ''Telling Kate will ruin everything we have. She would find out I lied all that time, she wouldn't trust me every again.'' I snap irritated. He ignores my tone.

''Why would it ruin everything?''

''I would lose her...'' I drift off.

''Are you just scared of that?''

I shake my head. ''No, I'm scared that if I loose her I will not only not have a best friend but I would no longer have anyone bringing me back to earth...'' I rub my damp hands on my cardigan.

''...you don't want to be back onto square one of our therapy.'' He finishes off my sentence.

I offer a weak smile and lift my chin up. ''Which is why this secret has to stay behind the doors and Christian better stay out of it.'' Fuck! I said his name.

''Christian? Is that his name?'' Oh no you don't, Flynn! We are so not opening this door and when I don't answer he waits again, as if answering and saying, that you opened the door and we are going to walk right through it.

''Yes'' I sigh heavily.

''What else does he make you feel? You mentioned... danger... and said it as a bad thing. But during our previous sessions you said that danger is interesting and attractive in a man.''

My smile broadens. ''I see what you are trying to do here, doctor, but it is not happening.'' I am not having a conversation about this silly attraction I have to Grey with my therapist. There is no need for him to know that and the other reason is that I want to get him out of my head. This means that I have to stop talking and thinking about him all together. But Steele, you can't deny what you felt back there... My body speaks but now its not the time and place to have sex in mind and especially not about a certain mysterious individual. I stand and so does he. ''I'm sorry but I have to cut our late meeting short, I'll be in touch.'' I turn on my heels and head for the door.

''We will carry on with this matter in our next meeting.'' I hear him say but I shut the door behind me to avoid any more.

Fuck Grey.

He needs to be out of my life as quickly as he appeared in it.

Driving back home was straight forward, but only because it was the middle of the night, and there was not traffic ahead of me. I pressed my foot down on my accelerator, and waited a beat for the Audi to shoot forward. It's still raining and my windscreen wipers are desperately wiping away the rain, as I drive towards my apartment. It's been one hell of a day and my eyes feel heavy, its a clear sign that I need rest and to forget.

After twenty minutes of driving I finally eased off the accelerator and applied the break. After taking a deep breath and taking away my trembling hands off the steering wheel, I finally got out of the car, after all I was in front of Escala. But I knew I didn't want to go in, my stomach was already twisted into more knots, just at the simple though of it. Do I really have to go in? I shake my head, feeling even more miserable then before. Am I entirely insane? Yes, I think, I am. Insane, idiotic, but most importantly weak. I look up at the sky and wonder, just for a second, what if my life was different.

I turn the key in the lock as quietly and slowly as possible, then carefully twist the knob and push the door open. I held my breath, praying that Kate was already asleep. I just want to go to my room which is just past Kate's room, but I know that she's the world's lightest sleeper so I don't think I'll make it. I'll at least try to. After closing the door behind me I turn to face the darkness in our apartment. It's very dark and I consider the darkness a good thing, maybe she really is asleep. The only light I see is the one from my night stand which I always leave on, so after my long night, I can somehow navigate my way back into my room. I start to tiptoe towards my room, I need to be as quiet as possible if don't want to wake her up. I miss out the wooden tiles that I knew that will crack beneath my feet, just a little more.

The light in the living room snap on. Shit. Fuck. Oh no.

''Ana?'' Kate's voice is a quiet and sleepy whisper.

I turn and see her stretching in our leather cream sofa, which is facing the television and our coffee table. She stretched her arms and yawns, I eye her carefully, she's already in her pyjamas and her dressing gown, she must have stayed up for me. The thought makes me uncomfortable as I know I didn't deserve that. But I still smile at her.

''Hi ,Kate,''

Kate gets up and walks towards me, looking me up and down, her eyes look tired. How long did she wait? I felt guilty. She gave me a weak smile and her eyes turned glossy. Oh no... she's going to cry. Now I feel like shit and my own vision becomes blurry as I watch her, what have I done? I'm pulled into a hug so tight, that I struggle to breath, but I refuse to complain. I need this and I want this. I slid my own arms round her so she knows I'm really here.

''I'm...so...glad your... okay, Ana,'' she hiccups her way through words. ''I was so worried, where have you been?'' She pulls away and wipes her tears away. But I don't know what to say. I can't even say I hint of truth because once I do, she'll know everything. What will I do then? ''Ana,''

I tilt my head down.''Kate, I can't tell you,''

''What the hell do you mean you can't tell me?!'' She shouts, ''You have been out almost the whole afternoon, and night, and you refuse to tell me where you have been! I was so worried about you, Ana!,'' she sounds so angry but I don't blame her, she has every right to be. ''Are you really not going to say anything...'' I remain silent like the selfish bitch I am. ''Fine!'' she takes a step away from me.. no Kate! I finally look up my vision still effected by my tears.

''Kate...''

She cuts me off. ''Why can't you be honest with me! I am here, I am your best friend, well at least I thought I was''

''But you are!''

''I have been trying to help you, for a while, and all I'm getting is 'I can't talk right not' or 'not now' or even 'I can't tell you' do you not understand how that is making me feel.'' She snaps. ''I am trying to help you and you are not letting me in. Let me help you.'' She grabs hold of my arm and waits for a reaction, anything. I bite my lip and consider my options.


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