A/N: This is a shoutout to Cory Xenos, for making such amazing Youtube videos and this specific fic was inspired after watching her video, "Hollstein - Bloodstream - The phone call sessions".

I want to thank "IdkImAwkward07" for giving me the push I needed to write more because there is more to this story, their story.

I'm writing these from Carmilla's and Laura's POVs.

P.S.

Yes, I know that a lot of my fics have been super angsty, but that's pretty much all I can write right now.

Maybe I'll figure out what the hell is bothering me so much that it's being expressed in my writing.

Even if I do find out, I'm not sure that I would want to deal with it.

Running isn't an option, trust me, I have tried, but I can't escape whatever is getting to me.

xxx

~*Carmilla*~

I was lying on the couch with my feet propped up while I had the book ,The Hours by Michael Cunningham, in my hands. I take very good care of my books, whether I own them or not. This copy that I owned was paperback, so of course, it has been through a lot. The pages have been dealing with a war of its own and it was a hell of a lot easier dealing with than the war I was having within my heart.

Laura was fast asleep in our bed because she had to be awake in the morning for work. It was like that was all that she had focused on for the past few months. She knew that I wasn't going anywhere because how could I leave her?

How could I leave someone that has my heart and soul?

Someone who is my everything.

Someone that gives me a purpose.

Someone that loves me beyond a doubt.

But still, I doubt.

xxx

Ever since the ordeal that we went through together, the one that I had caused, Laura has been more distant than ever.

I could see her hesitate when she reaches for my hand, it wasn't the same confident action that she had done before.

Her tone of voice might have sounded so cheery when talking to me, but I knew that it was an illusion that she kept up just for me.

Even her kiss didn't have the same taste. It was once so sweet, but now, it tasted so bitter.

But my Laura isn't bitter.

xxx

Why did I ever write that damn letter and poem for her?

What did I think would happen after I wrote her a confession letter?

Did I think that everything would fall into place?

Have I caused damage that is irreversible?

xxx

I haven't been able to look her in the eyes since that night and even though we sleep next to each other, we might as well be strangers.

Whatever is happening between us is tearing us apart. I have been wanting to fix this, I wanted to fix us, I wanted to fix me.

But the truth is that maybe there is nothing to fix because we have been broken for a long time, much longer than this.

xxx

~*Laura*~

I was lying in our bed and holding onto my yellow pillow, wishing that it was Carmilla.

We had started a routine that I completely hated, but Carmilla, being a stubborn ass, wasn't making any effort to change things between us.

Did she even care?

Was she reverting to her heartless self that she had become when her mother was in her life?

xxx

I remember Carmilla saying to me, "The point is, if nothing means anything then the only thing that means something is what we make. You know? I mean, look at me. I used to use hopelessness as an excuse for all of the awful things that I did.

Until this...prissy little overachiever that I was...totally planning on handing over to my Mother unravelled all of my plans. Because she thought we all deserved better. Even me.

And, yeah, you are flawed. And struggling, and uncertain, but it is so beautiful. The way you try."

xxx

And I know that she felt my words, as well as the kiss, when I said, "To hell with "light and casual". I don't want to be light and casual with you. I don't want to pretend like what I feel about you is some stupid frothy thing that doesn't matter, because it is like the axis that my world turns on.

And yeah, we could talk ourselves out of it because, this is scary and, and hard, and, and maybe the world is about to end, but if it is, then I want us to have something good to hold on to. I love you. Why shouldn't that be something good?"

xxx

I want to break through her walls like I did before all of this happened.

Her armor was cracking and I saw a glimpse of what Carmilla looked like: A scared woman that had lost so much, a hopeless woman that tried to never cling onto something that might give her even an inkling of hope, and a passionate woman that loved me to no end.

She might be pushing me away, but that's her weird way of protecting me. She believes that maybe, if she pushes hard enough, I'll walk away. That if she leaves me first, then she won't have to watch me as I walk away from her.

But I wasn't going to walk away and I wanted her to know that.

We have been together long enough that she should know that if I wanted to leave, then I would, but I haven't.

I don't want anybody, but her.

I sometimes wonder if she gets that or not.

xxx

~*Carmilla*~

I was furious with myself that I allowed Laura to see me like that, so weak and helpless. I gripped tightly onto the pages of my book and tore them in one quick movement. The pages scattered all over the linoleum floor and I used a match to set it on fire, along with the rest of the book.

I watched as the flames licked the paper in a seductive manner and smoke was rising up.

The smoke detector was going off and I used my fist to break it so that it didn't wake up Laura.

xxx

~*Laura*~

I was about to fall asleep when I smelled smoke and heard the smoke alarm go off, along with a loud banging noise.

I was clutching onto my yellow pillow as I ran into the living room and saw Carmilla being surrounded by flames and pieces of our smoke detector were by her feet.

I ran into the kitchen, still holding onto my yellow pillow, and went to retrieve something to put out the flames.

After I extinguished them, I was sweeping up the remainder of whatever was left of the book that Carmilla had burnt to a crisp.

"Are you crazy?! You could've burnt the whole apartment down!"

After I cleaned the mess and put everything, I put my yellow pillow down on the couch, a safe distance away from any harm.

Carmilla didn't respond, but glared at me the entire that she watched me clean up.

"I can't believe you were so inconsiderate that you would wake me up! You know that I have to wake up early in the morning to go to work. Why are you being such a pain in the ass?"

"Oh, I'm being a pain in the ass? At least I'm not the one that isn't making any effort in this!"

"In this? What the hell are you even talking about?"

"I'm talking about our relationship, Hollis!"

"It's Laura, not Hollis."

"Who cares how I address you at this particular moment?"

"I care, Carm! I thought that we had pushed past this and..."

"Pushed past what, Laura? The fact that you don't want me anymore? The fact that you don't need me anymore? What was I to you, just an experiment? Was I just something that you wanted to experience and then throw away?"

"Don't you dare say that! You don't know how I feel! You can't just go around and, and assume how I feel when you never asked me! You tell me not to judge you and how you feel, but you're doing the exact same thing to me right now!"

"You have no right to say that to me, Laura Hollis."

"And why not?"

"Because my heart is bleeding for you. It's breaking and is slowly shattering into a thousand pieces because of you. You just came into my life, unexpected, and you think that it's okay to make me feel things that maybe I don't want to feel? I didn't choose to fall for you, it just happened!

One moment, you're this girl that I had to seduce to bring you to Mother and the next, you're the one that I fight my own Mother for, who I protect from her.

So yes, Laura Hollis, I have every right to say those things to you.

Maybe in your little fantasy world where we can play house, everything is all perfect with rainbows and sunshines, but that's not reality! You have to wake up from this place of make-believe and see me for who I really am.

Do you know who I really am, you foolish girl? I'm a monster.

What Elle said was true, I'm a monster and that is all I will ever be, regardless of what you think or believe."

"But you're not one, you're not a monster, Carmilla."

"Even you hesitate when trying to deny that I am one."

I tried to reach out to touch her, but Carmilla backed away from me.

"Please Carm, don't back away from me. I want to…"

"Rescue me? I'm not a damsel in distress. I was doing perfectly fine without you in my life and I can always find someone to replace you."

I knew that what Carmilla said about replacing me wasn't true. Carmilla was using her words to hurt me and she always knew exactly what to say to break me.

xxx

(For this part, I decided to put who said each line from Season 2 of Carmilla, The Webseries, so some of them are taken out of context.)

L: "Clearly, there are feelings, that we have for each other, things are also complicated with the past and with us being really different people."

xxx

C: "Don't you think death can be beautiful? I am Death, trod under a fair maid's feet."

L: "No you're not."

xxx

L: "The thing about what you said about drinking the Anglerfish's blood, do you think it would've killed you?"

C: "I don't know. Would you care?"

L:"How can you say that? Do you think I hid you here after everything because I don't care, because the thought of something happening to you doesn't make me feel like I can't breathe?

And I don't know how I'm supposed to feel around you or what I'm supposed to do because, you kiss me and it, it cracks me open and all of my stupid messy hopes come tumbling out in maybe's and someday's and how is that fair?"

C: "Well, who the hell cares about fair?"

L: "I do."

xxx

C: "I'd like to think that you could love me instead of some romantic ideal you've made up in your head."

Xxx

L: "I can't."

C: "Why not?"

L: "Because right now, I'm really hoping that this means that you're going to change."

xxx

L: "What am I supposed to think you're all caring about people who are not so stupid pop tart."

C: "Is that what you think of me?"

L: "No, I…"

xxx

C: "You can't expect all of that to evaporate because I love you. That's part of who I am, Laura."

xxx

L: "Maybe it's better if we just acknowledge that there are feelings, but that it would never work out, clearly it's getting in the way so maybe it's best if we just tried to be friends."

xxx

C: "You haven't listened to a single word I've said."

L: "I don't know what you want me to say, Carm."

xxx

C: "God, it used to drive me nuts when I would do things for you, that were so clearly only for you and you'd say…"

L: "I know you didn't just do it for me."

C: "Until I realized it was because you wanted me to be doing what was right for some reason beyond the fact that you wanted me to."

xxx

L: "After we have everything settle down, we can talk, if we survive."

C: "If we survive."

L: "Goodnight, Carm."

C: "Goodnight."

xxx

~*Carmilla*~

"Do you miss me?" I asked, knowing that I had asked Laura this before.

I wanted to hear her reply with, "Like someone cut a hole in me".

But Laura just stood there silently, looking past me, looking at something that I couldn't see.

xxx

~*Laura*~

When Carmilla had asked, "Do you miss me?", I knew how I should reply because she had asked me this many years ago.

I wanted to reply the way I had before by saying, "Like someone cut a hole in me", but I wasn't able to.

I couldn't do that because what I was feeling was more than someone cutting a hole in me. It went so much deeper than that and it went so far down that it was tearing at my soul.

All I could do was stand there in silence and looking at her. That look on her face is something that I will never be able to erase from my memory.

The worst part?

I had caused that.

I had so many thoughts running through my mind that I forgot that Carmilla was there, standing in front of me.

xxx

~*Flashback*~

Carmilla and I were carrying boxes into our new cosy apartment that was beyond expensive!

I was losing my mind when I saw how much it actually cost and that was when Carmilla had assured me that she could afford it a thousand times over.

I bet Carmilla could afford to buy her own island with a castle, a drawbridge, a mansion, a moat, and all those other fairytale like features.

Carmilla, of course, was showing off her vampire skills by caring in more boxes in one hand than I could carry with two.

After only a few hours, all of our boxes were in the apartment.

Thankfully, the movers had brought in all of the furniture that we had, or should I say, Carmilla had.

The furniture, mainly the bed, was from the Dean's apartment at Silas University.

Sure, I was creeped out before that we slept in the bed that Carmilla's mother slept in, but it was a nice bed.

Plus, it was all free, so it only made sense to bring it with us, even if it's tough at times to think about what happened there.

"I think that there's too much sun in this place and it's like a unicorn vomited all over the walls and furniture."

"You need a lot of color into your life and I'm the one to do that for you!"

"Barf."

"I'm serious, Carm, you can't keep wearing...that."

I said this as I looking at what Carmilla was wearing.

Today, of of all days, she decided to wear black skinny jeans instead of her infamous leather pants.

"Well Creampuff, you can always be the one to get me out of my clothes."

Carmilla winked and my entire face became red from embarrassment.

"T-That's not what I was saying!"

"Of course not, Cupcake."

"I was just saying that I'm surprised that you're not wearing your leather pants."

"Are you saying that I don't look good in my black skinny jeans?"

Carmilla raised an eyebrow.

"No, I'm just saying that…"

Carmilla was now standing in front of me and smirking.

All I could do was stare into her dark eyes.

"Cat got your tongue?"

"Shut up, Carm!"

My girlfriend laughed and it was such a beautiful sound that could never be replicated.

She held out her hand, I took it, and she twirled me around before wrapping me in her arms.

"You know how much I love you, right?"

Carmilla chuckled, "Of course, I do."

"No, I'm serious Carmilla, don't you know how much I love?"

"Apparently not, so tell me."

"I love you so much that every time that you're away from me, I can't breathe. I love you so much that every time you say my name, I never want to hear you stop saying it. I love you so much that every time you hold me in your arms, I don't ever want to leave your embrace. I love you so much that every time you kiss me, it's like you put me under a magical spell. I love you so much that every time you touch me, it's like you're speaking a language that only my soul can understand. I love you so much that…"

Carmilla silenced me with a kiss.

In that kiss alone, Carmilla was showing me just how much she loves me.

The best part?

She didn't have to use her words to describe it like I did.

xxx

~*Carmilla*~

"You don't have to say anything, Laura, I have my answer."

Once I said Laura's name, she came out of her trance.

"What?"

"I said that you didn't have to tell me what your decision was. I could see it written on your face."

Laura frowned, "Carm, what are you even talking about?"

"You don't want there to be an us anymore."

I whispered as I was trying to hold back the sobs that were like a damn ready to burst.

"Carmilla, I…"

I didn't want to hear Laura's answer, I just wanted to leave.

I grab my leather jacket and bolt towards our bedroom so that I could climb out onto the fire escape the way I had done when I had Laura read my confession letter and poem.

Instead of bothering to close the window, I just grip tightly onto the railing.

I hear the sound of Laura running towards the window and she had this look of freight on her face. She ran out onto the fire escape and was gripping tightly onto the railing as she watched me fall.

I let go of the railing so that my feet could touch the ground and I look up at Laura for what maybe the final time.

"You are a selfish callou girl and I am the fool who trusted you."

xxx

~*Laura*~

I heard Carmilla say, "You don't have to say anything, Laura, I have my answer."

I responded with, "What?"

I heard Carmilla say, "I said that you didn't have to tell me what your decision was. I could see it written on your face."

I frowned, "Carm, what are you even talking about?"

That wasn't fair of Carmilla!

What the hell is going through her mind?

"You don't want there to be an us anymore."

"Carmilla, I…"

Carmilla had ran straight out of the room while grabbing her leather jacket on the way and heading towards our bedroom.

Damn you, Carmilla!

I knew that she can run faster than me, but I was doing my best to keep up with her.

Maybe this was how our relationship was, with her one step ahead of me.

Maybe she only slowed down so that I could catch up.

But she wasn't going to slow down anymore.

As I ran into the bedroom that we once shared, she was climbing out the window, and I followed her.

She was gripping tightly onto that railing and she did it so tightly that her skin looked even paler, if that was even possible.

I was scared that she was going to jump and if she did, it would kill her, but she wasn't human.

I'm sure that it would hurt like hell, but was she so willing to escape me that she would risk hurting herself?

The look in her eyes had told me, "Yes", even if I wanted them to say, "No".

I ran to the railing and gripped it just as tightly as she had, which caused my hands to hurt so much that I had no doubt that it would be aching for a long while after.

I saw her fall, but it was like time had slowed down.

Instead of her plummeting to her death or landing on the ground roughly, she did so elegantly, with such a grace that no human would ever have.

She gave me a final goodbye not by words, but by that damn look in her eye.

As Carmilla ran away, she took my heart with her.

And just like that, I was alone, all over again, without the love of my life.