Not quite as long as I was hoping for it to be, but hey, I like the ending.
Enjoy!
Ben wakes up legitimately feeling like someone dropped the Death Star on top of his head. Repeatedly and with prejudice. The loud humming of the Falcon's engines doesn't help in the slightest. Of course, because the universe hates him with the burning passion of a thousand suns, the engines rev up even louder in telltale warning that they're about to go into lightspeed. Pain ricochets through his skull in splintered pathways, making him wish for sleep's dark oblivion again.
"Kriffing hell," he groans out, just managing to lift his arms and press the heels of his palms to his aching eyes. It does nothing to help. He hadn't really expected it to. And he hurts too much to even bother trying to get back to sleep. Having no real desire to just stare blankly up at the ceiling or the backs of his eyelids, he instead gingerly pushes himself upright. The world swims briefly, and he has to brace a hand against the wall, but he doesn't topple back over, nor does his stomach violently rebel. Given that he has no idea how much time as passed, his best bet is to go and find Rey.
The thought of her is still like a punch to the gut. Even after Force only knows how long of essentially sleeping in her soul (because while he'd given her everything, they were and still are two that are one), he's still dumbfounded and amazed by her. She never, not once, gave up on him. Him, Ben Solo, not Kylo Ren. Not taking his hand that day on the Supremacy had been a blessing in disguise, for all that it bit of betrayal at the time. He knows he doesn't deserve her, her light, her warmth, her love. And yet, all she has to do is smile at him and he'll come running.
With that thought in mind, because damn it all he wants to see that smile again without dying this time, Ben stands up. The ground sways underneath his feet, but he lurches forward one step at a time. There's a haze of voices ahead of him that he follows, latching onto the lone female one. When he reaches the last bend before the main hold where the voices are coming from, his knees decide they've had enough of walking. He just barely manages to stumble around the corner before hitting them.
"Ow," he grunts, the metal grating not at all kind.
And there she is, kneeling in front of him with a frown painted on her lips as she reaches out a hand to touch his cheek. Even covered in sand and grit as she is, Ben nearly wants to follow his grandfather's example and call her an angel. She seems like one right now, all haloed in blue light. "Ben, you should still be sleeping," she worries at him, fingertips sliding across his face and leaving a trail of fire in their wake.
Yeah, he's realized that. Figured it out pretty much as soon as he woke up. Doesn't mean it's actually going to happen. He slumps forward to drop his forehead on her shoulder and just breathes. Inhales, gathers up all the stress and anxiety that he can, and exhales it all out. No need to have temptation to the Dark Side lingering if he can help. Not for now, at least. Hopefully he'll get to a point where using pain to bolster himself won't be instinct, but until that day comes, he'll just have to try and be aware enough to seek out Rey when the temptation rises. A shudder wracks his body before he abruptly ends up collapsing fully onto Rey.
"Sorry," he manages to choke out, head swimming. He squeezes his eyes shut in a vain attempt to center himself.
"Gods you're heavy," she grumbles, but nevertheless gathers him up to her. Pressed close enough to feel her heart beating against his own chest, the sob that escapes him despite his best efforts seems inevitable. "Shh, Ben, I've got you." Fingers card through his hair, and in any other given situation it actually would've helped him calm down. Right now, though? Right now he's apparently letting out a lifetime's worth of grief and heartbreak. On the floor of the Falcon. Not where he'd've chosen to have an emotional breakdown, but his control is kriffing shot. It reminds him a bit too vividly of Exogol, actually.
He'd known, climbing back up from that hellhole Palpatine had flung him down, that she was gone. That her starbright presence in the Force had already winked out. But he'd had to see the truth of it with his own two eyes. Had to cradle her lifeless body against his still living one. His parents were already lost to him, but to then lose her as well? He'd been a breath away from shattering, teetering on the edge of diving back into the Dark if only it could call her back to him. Even if she ended up despising him, even if she cursed his name with every breath she took afterwards, he'd felt it would've been worth it. But then he'd remembered what she'd done for him on the Death Star as waves crashed over them. She'd given him a part of herself. And so, he'd found the starbright light still flickering inside him and poured it into the other half of his soul. Offered up all that he ever was and all that he ever could be. Nothing else mattered so long as she lived. Up until her fingers brushed over his hand, he hadn't dared to hope that his Solo worthy gamble might pay off. And the Force mercifully granted him one single moment to really hold her before his strength left him.
"Oh kid."
The unexpected sound of his father's voice has Ben jerking upright for all that pain slams through him at the sudden movement. He finds himself staring wide-eyed at Han Solo kneeling beside him and Rey, a devastated expression on the man's face. Han has a hand partially reaching out as if he's unsure of himself, as if he's wondering if he can even comfort his own son.
Ben doesn't even pause to contemplate not reacting. He snaps a hand out and grabs ahold of the man he thought lost to him forever. Clings tightly to him for all that he refuses to move completely out of Rey's embrace. She's the one thing keeping him semi-anchored at the moment.
Han seems to realize this, and he shifts to be able to wrap his free arm around the two of them. "I've got ya, kid, I've got ya." And then, of all things, he starts humming an Alderaanian lullaby. Badly, horribly, but Ben instantly recognizes the song as one his mother would sing to him as a child. His favorite, in fact. When Rey proceeds to join in, a surprisingly soft harmony to Han's dry husky voice, Ben knows that if he wasn't already enamored, this would've made him fall fast and fall hard. He does wonder when exactly Leia decided to teach it to Rey. What conversation led to that particular revelation.
Eventually, mercifully, Ben no longer feels like he's drowning in his emotions. He's able to wrangle back control with a few gasping breaths before they're left with the hum of the ship and his harshing breathing.
"Sorry," he mutters into Rey's throat, cheeks hot with embarrassment.
He feels more than hears her broken laughter. "Ben, you never have to apologize to me for your emotions." The fingers still in his hair tighten a fraction, and he leans into the grounding touch with a sigh. His head still aches, but nowhere near as badly as it did earlier. He twitches ever so slightly when Han abruptly clears his throat.
"Well kid, I gotta say, didn't exactly expect to see you of all people on my ship again."
Ben huffs out a watery chuckle. He has to brace against Rey, but he manages to raise himself up so he's sitting between her and Han. She keeps a hand firmly wrapped around his waist and presses herself up against him. He leans back into her in thanks for the support, figuratively and literally. Then he truly looks at his father for the first time in years.
Han looks much the same as when he last saw him. Silver hair with all his years etched into his face. The leather jacket Ben remembers sleeping peacefully under whenever meetings ran long, and he and Han were left waiting for Leia while he refused to go to sleep in his bed. Ben bets it still smells of Wookie and what he'd termed as the Dad smell when he was younger. There's a tension in his shoulders, a tension Ben knows is his fault. Tension born from his idiotic shit as Kylo Ren and the man most likely wondering if he can even trust Ben now.
"Hey Dad." The words sound as rusty as they feel coming out of his mouth, but Force does it feel good to say them again. He also considers it a blessing that he won't ever stand before this man and tell him that his son is dead. That he won't ever try to purposefully break his heart in service to a master who's merely another puppet in a long line of strings being pulled. To say nothing of the fact that Ben is now very much not able to draw his lightsaber and face his father. Or his mother, for that matter. He's just glad he's already used up all his tears for the day, because he knows he'd be crying again otherwise.
Han mirrors Rey's earlier actions, mirrors his actions from that day on Starkiller Base, and cradles the side of Ben's face in the palm of his hand. Another shudder shakes his body at the touch. It's only through combined sheer Solo and Skywalker stubbornness that Ben manages to stay upright. He's had just about enough of collapsing for the day. For the year, really, but he unfortunately knows that the abrupt breaking of his Force bond with Snoke is going to haunt him for a while yet. Anakin hadn't been kidding that, even with Rey's steady presence, he's very much out of balance. He and his father stare at each other in silence for several heartbeats before Han's lips twitch up into a fond smile.
"It's kriffing good to see you again, son."
Despite how raw and shattered Ben still feels, those words feel like a Force blessed cleansing. They're a reminder that, even before, Han never truly gave up on him either. He'd still believed that he could call his son home. His lips tremble even as they spread into a smile.
"You too, Dad." Even his voice his shaking. "You too."
"Um?" Ben's eyes snap over to where Finn's standing beside Chewie looking decisively uncomfortable. "We reached Takodana."
Takodana?
Oh, where he'd chased after Rey the first time. And the home of Maz Kanata. Why exactly had Han brought Finn and Rey here?
"Ben, do you think you can reasonably walk any sort of distance?" Rey asks him.
While it grates on his nerves, he knows better than to lie to her. "No." He might make it a short way, but his legs would just give out on him again and he'd end up being a liability. He refuses to put Rey in that sort of position. He'd much rather be nursing an injured pride as opposed to an injured partner.
"Then you'll have to stay on the Falcon for now."
He gives her a wry smile. "I figured as much."
"And you'd just trust him here by himself?" Finn protests, taking an agitated step forward.
The desert dry flat look Rey fixes on him makes Ben swear to himself to try and never get that focused on him. It makes his skin crawl and he feels the judgement in it for all that its not pointed at him. "If you're that concerned, then you can stay here with him while I go with Han and Chewie to talk with Maz."
Finn reels back as if he'd been struck. "Rey, I didn't—"
She immediately cuts him off. "I'm not asking you to trust him, Finn. I realize that too much has happened to just expect you to be fine." She barks out a bitter laugh. "I don't expect Ben to trust you either. However, I am asking the both of you to trust me."
Finn's voice is hushed as he says, "You know I trust you, Rey."
Ben feels her chest rise and fall as she just breathes for a moment. "Then please, stay with him. You were right that we can't just leave him here alone. He has no reasonable way to defend himself if something happens." Kriffing hell is that true. He's practically useless at the moment. He doesn't even trust himself to be able to reasonably use the Force. "We should be in and out of Maz's fairly quickly, so it's not like you'll be alone together for long."
"Kid, how'd you know I brought you here for Maz?" Han interrupts before Finn can reply.
It's only because they're still pressed up against each other that Ben feels Rey's flinch. "I'd say that the Force works in mysterious ways." Stars does that sound just as vague and annoying as when Luke said similar.
Han raises an unimpressed eyebrow. "Don't think that's quite how the Force works. Wanna try again?"
Rey jerks her chin up, every bit as stubborn defying the father as when she defied the son. "I need to talk to Luke and Leia before I'm willing to say anything else."
"Kid—"
"I know I haven't given you much reason to trust me, General Solo, but I'm asking you to now. We need to get BB-8 to the Resistance as soon as possible. You can ask me all the questions you want after that. I'll probably even answer most of them."
Han regards her almost warily for a moment. Then he points a grudgingly impressed finger at her. "You've got spunk, kid. For that, I'll trust you just this once. Then I want answers."
Rey's shaky sigh of relief rattles through Ben as she briefly drops her forehead onto his shoulder. "Thank the Force," she mutters into his shirt. He agrees with her. Thank the Force indeed. "Okay Ben, let's at least get you into a seat." She scoots around so they're face to face, then offers him both of her hands. He eyes them dubiously for a moment before the mischievous twinkle in her eyes catches his attention. She's doing this on purpose. He grins ruefully, but takes the offered help. It's heady feeling the Force wrap around the both of them as she helps him to his feet. For all that he towers over her physically, in that moment he feels dwarfed by her strength, her power, her control. He sways for a moment, his head not appreciating the change in elevation. Rey waits patiently as he wrangles his body back under control before slowly but surely leading him over to the bunk tucked away behind the game center. Mercifully his legs don't shake as he sits down.
"Thanks," he mumbles, the manners his mother drilled into him resurfacing in the wake of wanting to be good enough for a woman he spent the majority of their time together trying to tear down.
Rey smiles fondly at him, carding a hand through his hair. It's a little ridiculous how much he melts into it. "If you need me…"
"I'll be fine. How much trouble can I get into here?" he tries to assure her.
"You're a Solo and a Skywalker," she throws back at him a touch dryly. "Trouble is practically your middle name." She leans down and for a blazing moment, Ben actually thinks she's going to kiss him. Instead she gently bumps her forehead against his, closes her eyes and just seems to breathe him in. Ben lets his own eyes slide closed and basks in her steady, humming presence in the Force. He thinks he could probably do this for hours if ever given the opportunity. "I'll be back."
Ben knows what such a promise means coming from her. He taunted her enough about that particular fact. To discover that she's still willing to offer it to him, to promise that she'll come back to him, makes his heart ache. "I'll be right here."
She gives him one last smile before marching smartly away. Ben watches her go before his gaze snaps back to his father when the man steps towards him.
"You're not gonna tell me anything either, are you?" Han asks, for all that he sounds like he already knows the answer he's going to get.
Ben shrugs half-heartedly. "Too much to explain." And it doesn't help that he has no kriffing clue how they ended up in this situation in the first place. Against his will, his head droops momentarily before he jerks back upright. Stars, he's still tired. For all that he wants to stay awake, he feels like he could sleep for a solid week.
Han huffs in obvious exasperation. "Yeah, well, get some rest kid. We're going to have a real long talk after all this shit is done."
"Mkay." He leans back so he's still sitting up but has some form of support behind him. Only then does he actually let the exhaustion he's been fighting since waking up wash over him. He vaguely tracks the sounds of Rey, Han, and Chewie leaving the Falcon, and then Finn stomping around. That only lasts for a bit before the former trooper settles in what Ben assumes is the cockpit, as he's not in the main hold with him and that's the direction he last heard sound from. In the silence that follows, Ben dozes in and out of consciousness. While he doesn't exactly trust Finn, he does trust that Rey trusts him with Finn. After a time, there's footsteps heading back towards him, so he cracks an eye open. "What?" he asks slightly irritably. He can doze just fine with the other man on the ship, but not if they're in the same room and he keeps staring at him.
Finn's got a fierce looking scowl on his face and his arms crossed over his chest. His feet are planted firmly and Ben can see a combination of trooper and Resistance training in his stance. "I don't trust you." the man states flatly. "I don't trust you, but I'm gonna have to learn to live with you because I refuse to make Rey's life any harder. She, more than anyone, deserves to be happy. For reasons I don't understand, you make her happy."
Ben snorts in laughter, mostly at himself. "If I ever figure it out, I'll be sure to let you know."
That gets him the barest hint of a smile before Finn sobers back up again. "Just wanted to get that off my chest." He grimaces. "And apologize."
Now it's Ben's turn to frown. "Apologize? For what?"
"For this."
Ben barely has time to react before there's a gun in his face, a bright flash of light, and then darkness slamming into him faster than he can blink.
