Cheryl is going through a rough patch in her struggle with alcoholism. She fled from her life in LA and her job at Costco, in search of a life where she can drink good beer early on Tuesday morning, for a good beer buzz. She finds herself in a bar across from a carwash one Tuesday morning. She meets a precarious and mildly suicidal stranger named Billy, but Cheryl's instinct tells her his name is Billiam. She decides that, if her instinct is wrong, he will become ugly to her.
She buys him a beer and shares her drinking habits with him, hoping that he reveals more about himself.
Billiam reveals that his face is a giant car wash, and thats all it takes for Cheryl to fall madly in love with him. She shares her secret desire to shit in his mouth while buzzed.
As "I've got a feeling" echoes thru the bar, Will buys Cheryl a beer back and they both agree to get smashed in a mutual manner.
In her delirium-- or perhaps as a mating dance--, Cheryl starts chanting in tongues, worships Santa Claus, and starts spitting on the floor as Billy watches with excitement. Billy draws a fun tarot reading for Cheryl while singing the Chowder theme song, and then they start fucking gratuitously with his oversized fingers. Let's just say that Cheryl's attains her secret desire.
Out of nowhere, Shrek enters the bar. Everyone stops and stares. The bartender, in their shock exclaims, "Daaaayum. He thicc." Shrek gives them the stink eye. Cheryl, entirely distracted by this spectacle, whispers to Billiam, "The bartender is looking up his skirt!"
Unbeknownst to Cheryl, Shreks antennae give him super sensitive hearing. He turns around and exclaims, "What?!?"
Cheryl, in an embarrassed attempt to cover for the bartender, dismisses Shrek with a hand-wave and says, "Nothing." She then distracts him with, "Hey, dude, wanna have some fun?" motioning to herself and Billiam mid-fuck, but Link responds from the corner of the bar instead of Shrek.
Link says, "Yeah!", only for Cheryl to reveal that she was a sex worker all along. Link is broke from day drinking, so he responds with a devastated, "Oh."
Some time passes, and Cheryl begins singing about her low self esteem, and how she's starved for fun, only for Monica to come up the boulevard and kick them all out of the bar, except for Shrek.
At a later time in the future, Cheryl laments this day. She realizes that she's not the only one who's ever shat on Billy's carwash face, and that no matter how much people scrub scrub scrub, they will always have cats and boots and cats and boots and cats and boots and cats to deal with.
She begins to have a flashback of that night, in which Billiam lays down on the floor and becomes unresponsive. Cheryl tries rousing her man through song and drink, to no avail. Billiam dies on the floor.
In retrospect, Cheryl realizes she should've gotten him medical attention, and recounts her alcohol cravings. The Wendy's employee at the drive-thru reminds her that she's at a Wendy's, a poor location for a relapse. Off-screen she recommends grief counseling and a 10 step program for Cheryl.
The End!
