The Cave
I didn't know where I was. Only that it was black, and I couldn't breathe. My arms and legs were splayed out, grasping for anything so that I might get out of this darkness. As if in answer, a light shone over my head. I reached for that light, my body barely moving as it came closer, as if the black was propelling me towards it.
My hand shot out and grabbed something firm, my other hand followed, gripping on as I pulled my face to the surface. And finally, I could breathe. I sucked in a deep breath as the black continued to push me out. I wasn't sure where I was or what I was holding onto, but I had to climb over it to escape.
I stumbled over that ledge and my body fell hitting solid ground. I lay there gasping for breath, luxuriating in each and every gulp and in the firmness of the ground beneath me. I placed a hand on that earth, and it trembled beneath my touch.
I braced myself and tried to stand, but my limbs did not work the way I wanted. They felt strange, weak. I finally got them under control and was able to stand. It was dark, not as dark as before, but dark enough that I couldn't see far infront of me. But I didn't need to, I could feel the earth under my feet, feel it in the walls around me, feel it extend into a world I did not know.
This way.
It called to me, the earth, it whispered to me.
This way.
I felt the thrum of it, the power that flowed through this world in the earth. I followed its' call. As I stepped into the darkness, I began to hear the trickle of water. As I stepped again, I saw it, a tiny waterfall dribbling down from a crack in the wall and in that dribble, in the wet rock I saw myself.
The face, the body was all unfamiliar to me. My face was almost human, but the ears were pointed, almost hidden behind chin length copper hair, the cheekbones slightly more angular and my eyes, they were swimming pools of liquid gold. My body was lean and muscular, a similar gold to my eyes danced just below the surface of my pale skin, pulsating throughout my body. As I gazed at that reflection, I realised I was naked and as I beheld myself, I was not disappointed.
This way.
The whisper was urgent now and as I heard the noises behind me, I realised too late that it was warning me. I heard the voices first, an argument between two males and then I heard their hurried footsteps. I couldn't make out what they were saying, but they did not sound happy. I continued to follow the whisper as it drew me to a cave wall.
"—is warded, there's no way anyone can get in or out of here without my permission," one said, in an accent I could not place.
"We have to check, just in case. If her vision was correct, then someone is here," another said, a different accent.
The whispers drew me back to the wall, it was rock jagged and rough. I did not know what to do, what the whispers wanted, but those voices were becoming louder and as I glanced back, I saw a light entering the cave.
"If someone is after The Cauldron again, we could all be dead by the end of the day," the second voice said.
And as I peered into that darkness, from where I came out from, as the lights began to light up the room, there on a dais, did indeed sit a cauldron. I could sense them now, not just hear their voices and footsteps, but feel the power radiating off them, there were not just two but three of them. They stopped, because just as I could now sense them, they could sense me.
"Impossible," the first voice said.
I turned back to the wall, I could feel one of them rushing for me, but there were no sounds of footsteps as they came. I went to run my hands along the rock in hopes of finding a door or something to help me escape, but at the slightest touch, I felt a pull in my stomach and a crack appeared in the rock where my hand had touched. The crack grew until it was a small fissure that I could fit inside. It did not stop there though, the rock behind continued to crack and expand until a tunnel extended before me. It was long and dark but there was a dim light at the end, an escape.
I stepped inside the tunnel and placed a hand on the jagged walls, trying to feel that tug in my stomach again and willed the entrance to close. I watched as the rock formed back together, watched as the shadows in that cave began to move and come to life, to rip away from the ground and walls and take shape. I glanced at where those lights and voices were coming from, where a doorway now became illuminated, and I saw a beautiful, scarred hand with a sapphire gem atop it grab the edge of the doorway and then the rock closed.
The earth continued to whisper.
Go. Run, this way.
I followed the passage to the exit with the rock slowly closing behind me. I paused at the edge of the tunnel taking in the scents and letting my eyes adjust to the brightness. I stepped into the light and the sun bathed me in its brilliance. I felt it pour over me, such warmth and love in those rays, in response the gold that swirled beneath my skin glimmered and shone. And the air, so many smells to take in and learn.
The rock behind me grumbled and I placed my hand upon it. I willed the rest of the passage to close faster and when I removed my hand, a small flower sprouted and bloomed. The earth still whispered to me, and I turned to look at the view before me. I wouldn't be surprised if this was the best view on this island. That's what this was, an island, the water encompassed the entirety of this land, I could feel it.
The lands that lay before me were exquisite, a forest of deep greens and browns sprung from the ground around the mountain I was now atop of and in the distance, I could see buildings of different colours and sizes spreading across the land and stopping at the oceans edge. On the breeze I could hear the laughter and merriment of those who lived there.
Still the earth called to me, pushing me away from those lands and towards the forest below me. That's when I heard it. A scream. Coming from the middle of the forest. I ran. I didn't know what I could do to help, but I had to. I wobbled and lost my balance as I ran down the side of the mountain still adjusting to my body.
The earth below me tried to help, becoming smooth and solid under my feet. I could hear the scream becoming louder and I jumped into that forest. The branches and trees seemed to move out of my way as I fell through the sky and landed on the ground. My knees barked in pain, but I was fine.
The earth below me grumbled and I instinctively placed my hand upon it. As if placed in water, the earth rippled and swallowed my hand. I pulled back and the earth returned to its natural solid state. The scream came again, closer now. I placed both hands on the earth this time and just as before, they were consumed, and my body began to sink.
Slowly my body was engulfed by the earth and I could feel myself moving, moving through the rock and dirt, hopefully to where this scream was coming from. I felt myself slow and begin to surface. Before me I saw a wolf, large and ferocious, black and white fur raised at the nape of its neck snarling up at a tree.
When I looked, I saw a young child on a branch hugging the tree. Tears streamed down his face a silent sob escaping his lips. I looked back to the wolf and my own snarl ripped through my throat. It noticed me then, turned its' body to face me and sunk back on his haunches.
I held my ground, held its' stare as I too sunk back on my legs, ready to pounce. It lunged for me at the same time I lunged for it, but a rock emerged from the ground below me and I tripped. I fell into the grass face first as the wolf sailed through the air above me. It landed and faced me again but hesitated this time.
I held its stare, the ground beneath me began to shake, rock cracked and jutted from the surface and I let out another snarl. The wolf stilled, and retreated a step, again and again until suddenly it turned and ran into the shrubbery of the forest.
I heard the child's silent sobs grow louder. He looked at me now the tears still spilled down his face. There was no recognition in his face and a new sense of fear washed over him. Instead of a wolf looking up at him, now he had a male, a naked male who was able to scare off a wolf, in front of him.
"It's okay," I told him. "I heard your screams and came to help."
He didn't seem inclined to believe me. I smiled up at him with my hands laid bare before me, I silently told him it was ok. He sniffled and those tears began to stop. He watched me, taking me in, all of me.
"Why are you naked?" he asked.
I smiled more broadly at that, at least he had stopped crying. "I'm not sure," I said looking down at myself. "Do you need help getting down?" I asked.
"Can you catch me?"
I nodded and moved closer to the tree. He began to let go and stepped out further along the branch he was on. I held out my arms, ready to catch him. He looked down at me, closed his eyes and jumped. I caught him easily and cradled him in my arms. His eyes opened and looked up at me, I set him down on the ground and knelt before him. I wiped away the tears that remained on his face and he smiled.
I felt it then, the shadows that were in the cave were now searching the forest. The child hadn't felt it, was probably too young to sense power like that. I stood and tracked where the power was coming from. "I need you to stay here, ok?" I said to the boy.
"Don't leave!" he gasped.
"I won't, but someone is coming, and I don't want you to get hurt," I told him.
He nodded as I stepped away from him and walked towards that power. I did not go far, only a few steps so that the child was hidden behind me. The shadows swarmed around the trees and shrubs and I watched them darken the forest. The child let out a soft whimper, but I turned to look at him and gave him a reassuring smile. He stilled and I could sense the person now standing before us.
I turned back to look at him and my breath caught. He was magnificent. He was handsome, so handsome I would call him beautiful. His eyes were on me, studying me, and I couldn't help but study him. He wore black leather pants and a black shirt, with black membranous wings sprouting from behind his shoulders. He had more of those sapphires on his body, seven in all and they glowed brightly in the shadows that surrounded him. Those shadows clung to him, swam around him like they had a mind of their own.
"Please," I began, "Don't hurt the boy."
Something flashed in his eyes, it may have been confusion or understanding, but before I could say anything else, two others appeared behind him. They both had wings, and both were almost as handsome as the male standing before me. One was the opposite to the others, his wings were white and feathered, unlike the bat wings the others had. His features were soft, and pale compared to the tanned skin of the others.
The other male who stood next to him, he had power, it radiated off him in waves. It was similar to the shadows the first male wielded, but this was darkness itself not just shadow. That power frightened me, and his violet eyes noticed as my spine stiffened.
"Let the boy go," the one with the feathered wings said.
"Lord Drakon," the boy said. He walked up behind me, the three males tensing. The boy took my hand in his and I peered down at him.
"You know him?" I asked and the boy nodded. I tilted my head in the Lord Drakon's direction, "Go, be safe."
He squeezed my hand and walked off towards him. Drakon took the boy by the hand and nodded to the male that radiated power and vanished. The earth vibrated beneath my feet, the two of them noticing and stiffening. I clenched my fists and willed the shaking to stop, in the earth and me. There were no words spoken between us only silence and then the shadows washed over me and pulled me away.
The Dungeon
I did not fight back, there was nothing I could do anyway in the presence of that power. Instead, I allowed them to take me and when the shadows had disappeared, and I could once again see I beheld my surroundings.
It was a dungeon, similar to that room with the Cauldron. The walls were jagged rock with a door of thick steel, they need not have made doors so strong as I beheld my wrists and ankles. They were cuffed with chains linking them to the walls and ceiling around me and they thrummed with a power that leashed my own.
I peered around the room, a table sat to one side with different instruments atop it that I did not know the uses for, but I had a feeling I might find out soon. A stool rested on the opposite wall, plain and wooden, but specked with blood. A scent that wafted through this small prison.
My palms began to sweat and then I noticed him. He was shadow itself pressed against the corner of the room near that table of torture devices. I stared into those shadows and I still was not scared; I simply smiled and bowed my head.
Footsteps came from outside the door and the chains attached to my wrists began to retract into the stone until I was standing and my arms were above my head. Then the ones at my ankles retracted until my feet were spread apart so that my body now resembled an X.
The door swung open on a phantom wind and the two males from earlier stepped inside. The door closed behind them and they stood before me, the one in shadow now taking form. I looked away blushing realising I was still naked and in front of three very handsome men.
"Who are you?" the powerful one said.
I did not respond. I didn't know who I was. I had only awakened a little while ago and although the earth whispered to me, it had not told me who or what I was. It had only brought me to that child, to save him.
The shadows darkened and rallied around my feet; in response the stone began to shake. Even with these cuffs holding me, I closed my eyes and searched for that power inside and stilled it. The shaking stopped and the shadows ran up my body, covering every inch of me finding every nook and fold of my body.
"Who are you?" he asked again.
And when I did not respond he nodded toward the one who wielded the shadows. He hesitated for a moment and our eyes locked. There was nothing I could tell these people. I did not know who I was or where I came from and so I nodded at the shadow bearer.
Shadowsinger, the earth whispered.
"Do it."
He did not hesitate then, and pain filled me, every inch of me, it was unrelenting and powerful. I could not help but scream, it filled my ears, filled the small room and then it stopped. I slumped in my chains, letting my wrists hold me up as my legs failed me. My breath was fast and shallow, but it was not just my own breath that was like this.
When I looked up, I saw the Shadowsinger one knee on the ground, panting as I did. I read the pain on his face, as if he felt everything I had just endured. The strong one stared at him and then me, with fury in his eyes his power enveloped me. It was similar to the shadows, but deeper, I could feel his power inside me, inside my mind. It filled me, every piece of me was now his and I knew I had no control, I was at his mercy completely.
I felt talons in my mind, clawing through everything, anything he could find. Anything about me, why I was here, but there was nothing, just the past few hours, crawling out of the Cauldron, opening the passage in the wall, finding that child in the forest and now here.
The earth whispered to me again, High Lord.
The talons in my mind paused and now began a new search, for all the whispers that I had heard today. Run, this way, go, shadowsinger, high lord, he found them all. The talons retreated from my mind and the darkness slid away from me.
"Wait," I told him.
I could feel the whispers coming back and if he heard them earlier then maybe he could hear these and he entered my mind once more.
A gift. From the Cauldron. For restoring it. For Feyre.
The darkness and the talons retreated, and he stared at me, unfeeling, unblinking and although he had heard that whisper, I knew he did not believe it. The shadowsinger was on his feet now and he too stared at me unblinking, confusion in his eyes. And then they left.
I didn't know how long I was in that dungeon. Hours, days, I couldn't tell, I slept for most of it and the gentle rumble of the rock in the walls kept me company. It whispered to me, about my powers, how to use them, it was not just a power of earth, but a power of life. The flower that bloomed on that mountain under my hand. The wolf that hesitated, sensing it, and running from me. Being absorbed into earth and becoming one with nature.
My stomach was grumbling, I had not eaten, ever. And the thirst, it ravaged my throat and was unbearable. I did not hear them this time, had not sensed them as the door again opened on that phantom wind. The shadowsinger was the first to enter and then the High Lord and then a female.
She was beautiful, stunning really, in a black gown that resembled the night sky, the glittering diamonds like stars in the darkness. Her golden hair was braided and woven into the crown atop her head and blue-grey eyes met mine. They were similar to the High Lords, unfeeling, unyielding her face a perfect mask of boredom.
I could see past it though, felt the uncertainty washing over her, I didn't know how, but I felt tethered to her in a way. She realised it to, and that mask of boredom disappeared. The High Lord was watching her, a silent communication between them that I could sense but not hear.
She walked towards me, still hanging limp in the chains around my wrists. Her power snaked around me, similar to the High Lords, but where his was commanding, unrelenting, hers was inquisitive and I opened my mind to her.
She saw all that had happened, the Cauldron, the child, the dungeon, the gift, the whispers about my powers. Her powers released me and withdrew back inside her. She studied me for a long moment.
"Is he safe?" I asked her.
"Yes," she replied, and I let out a sigh of relief. "Why?"
"He needed help."
Understanding flashed in her eyes and I felt that silent communication between them again. The chains began to loosen from the wall until I was kneeling on the ground and then the cuffs around my wrists and ankles opened. She knelt before me and took my face in her hands, then she turned and left, the High Lord following.
The shadowsinger stayed behind and with a wave of his hand, a beautiful, scarred hand, a set of clothes appeared before me. They were simple, white long pants and a long-sleeved white shirt. I grabbed the pants and began to stand, but my legs faulted, and I began to fall, but he was there in a flash. A hand gripping my arm to keep me upright.
I looked up into his face and there was sadness there, behind the blank expression, sadness. I looked down at that hand and placed my own on top it, letting my fingers trace the scars there. He did not recoil from my touch and let me lean against him as I pulled on the pants. He walked over to the table and waved his hand, the instruments disappeared, and a bowl of soup and a glass of water replaced them.
I grabbed the shirt off the ground and stumbled toward the table. The shadowsinger's hand reached out as if to help me again but stilled as I righted myself. I drank the water in a single gulp and as I placed it back on the table it refilled itself and a decanter appeared beside it.
"When you're finished, knock on the door and I'll take you elsewhere," he said.
His voice echoed through me; it was as beautiful as the scars on his hands. The shadows recoiled off of him and I saw him completely now in all his glory. I could see the muscles rippling under the leathers he still wore, the full extent of the membranous wings that protruded from his back. His eyes were hazel and in the darkness of the dungeon they almost looked gold, like my own.
I saw his eyes appraise me, snagging on the contours of my abdominal muscles and then going lower. His eyes snapped back to mine and I offered him a smile. His face was unreadable, but I could see things in his eyes, I couldn't place them, not yet anyway. My stomach grumbled again and then he was gone, escaping into the shadows. My cheeks heated for a moment and then I placed the shirt on and dug into the soup.
Every time I ate the bowl of soup it would refill itself; I didn't know if there was a spell on it or if the shadowsinger was keeping an eye out, but I was grateful. After four bowls and countless glasses of water, I was ready. This time the bowl and glass remained empty. I took a deep breath and stretched out my body, finally having the chance to fully inspect myself.
I massaged my wrists that were still sore from the cuffs and then did the same to my ankles. My body could still feel the lingering effects of those shadows that first attacked me. I didn't know how they hurt me, but my muscles still groaned as I stretched them out.
I found that I was surprisingly flexible, my body was indeed lean and muscular, but small compared to the other males I beheld today. Perhaps this flexibility could come in use. And as I thought of all the possibilities, an image of the shadowsinger popped into my mind, my cheeks heated and there was a tug in my pants.
I blocked out that image, those thoughts and calmed myself before heading toward the door. The door opened before I was able to knock and there stood the shadowsinger. His eyes were down, and his cheeks had the slightest tinge of colour to them, could he also read my thoughts?
"May I ask your name?" I asked him.
He looked at me then, considering. I was a stranger to him, a stranger to myself, I could understand the hesitation and if he served the High Lord, which I assumed was some kind of royalty here, then I could definitely understand.
"Azriel," he said his eyes meeting mine.
"It's nice to meet you," it was all I could say. I couldn't offer up my own name, I didn't have one. He probably already knew that.
"I am to take you to the High Lord and Lady that I serve."
"Will you use your shadows again?"
He hesitated again but did not drop his gaze. "We can walk if you would prefer," he simply stated.
"No," I began a little too enthusiastically, "the shadows are fine."
When he did this earlier, all I could feel were the shadows, but as he motioned for me to leave the room, he placed a hand on my shoulder, and the shadows began encircling us. He watched me for any sign of discomfort, but I did not fear them, or him and then we were gone.
When the shadows retreated, we remained still for a moment. Our eyes still locked together and his arm still on my shoulder. Maybe he was making sure I didn't fall or stumble, or maybe he felt something…
His eyes peeled from mine to something behind me and with the hand still on my shoulder he began to turn me and gestured with his other to the figures that stood in the room. It took a second to marvel at the beauty of that room, if you could even call it a room. It was simple yet majestic.
The walls were tall and made of marble that sparkled in the sun that poured through the large windows scattered throughout. Bright blue curtains had been pulled back from the windows and traced their outlines. The room was empty save for a long wooden table in the centre that had immaculately carved images and designs throughout it.
The people who sat at that table were as equally immaculate and beautiful. There were four seated all of their eyes now trained on me. Lord Drakon sat at the head of the table, with the High Lord sitting to his left and the female who had come to my cell sat beside him, Feyre. Another female sat on the other side of Lord Drakon, she I did not know.
Lord Drakon waved his hand to the empty seat at the other end of the table, it slid out and stopped.
"Sit," he said.
Even though he was still far away I could easily hear him, and as I gauged the distance from the solitary chair to where the others sat it may have been a blessing. Enough distance, a lot of distance in case I attacked that they could easily defend themselves. Smart.
I walked to the chair and sat, it automatically slid back under the table once my weight was upon it. I sat up as straight as I could, looking each one of them in the eye a forced smile on my lips.
It was Feyre who broke the silence.
"This is Lord Drakon and his mate Lady Myriam," she began gesturing toward Drakon and the unfamiliar female. "They are the rulers of this land. I am High Lady Feyre and my mate High Lord Rhysand, rulers of the Night Court," she continued gesturing to herself and her mate.
"It's an honour," I said bowing my head.
"We were sent here by a seer, who claimed she saw a figure of beige and gold climb out of the Cauldron. Do you know what that is?"
"The thing in the cave, High Lady," I answered.
"I want you tell us everything you remember, from now until the first thing you recall. Do not lie to us, for we have been inside your head and will be able to tell."
"You may enter my mind now if you wish High Lady and know I speak the truth."
It was not her power I felt clawing on the outskirts of my mind though, it was the others', the High Lord, Rhysand. My eyes locked with his, unflinching as before and I did not try to hide my fear.
And so I told them, everything that had happened, I barely breathed during those long minutes and my throat again became dry, but I told them not wasting any time. I told them of the blackness in the Cauldron, climbing out and opening a tunnel through the mountain, the whispers of the earth that continue to speak to me, the child I found in the forest, the encounter with the three males, the dungeon and it was only when I began talking of my time with Azriel that I paused.
I flashed the memory in my head for Rhysand to see and told the others what had happened minus the more intimate parts. An amused smile tugged at Rhysands lips and his gaze moved behind me, to where I assumed Azriel now stood. Then I was finished, a glass of water appeared before me and I drank it quickly.
"Have you heard any other whispers?" Myriam asked.
"Not for a while, Lady Myriam," I answered.
"There has been no record ever made of a High Fae or any Fae having power over the earth or life as you and these whispers claim," Drakon stated. "How can we believe you or trust you knowing that you came from the Cauldron? It has not been pleasant to us in the past."
The glass in front of me began to vibrate, I only realised now that it was made from clay, unlike the ones in front of the others that were glass. That whisper came again, and I closed my eyes and concentrated on it as I recited to the others what it said to me.
A gift for the saviour of the Cauldron. A gift for the one who restored its' broken pieces. A gift for the Cursebreaker, Defender of the Rainbow, High Lady, Cauldron-blessed, Feyre Acheron.
"I heard it through his mind, apparently he's supposed to be a present for my darling Feyre. I wonder in what way though," his smile was predatory as Rhysand spoke.
"That still does not give us any proof that we can trust him," Drakon insisted.
Another whisper, "A bargain," I repeated.
"What?" they all appeared to say in unison.
"I will make a bargain with you, name your terms and I will accept them."
Again that sense between Rhysand and Feyre and now I could feel it between Drakon and Myriam. The two males looked at each other after a moment and nodded.
"I will do it," Feyre said as she rose from her seat. Rhysand looked as if to grab her hand then think better of it. "What's another tattoo, I already have so many of them. Besides he's supposed to be my gift, I'll take responsibility for him."
She walked towards me with grace and when she was close enough, she raised her hand before me. I placed my hand in hers and the talons in my mind dug in a bit deeper.
"You are not to harm anyone, ever, directly or indirectly." She paused, "unless I give you permission. You are to be monitored by a member of my court at all times, if something were to happen and you are left alone, you are to come to me as quickly as possible, you will feel me through the bargain. If I give you a command, you will obey without question. If I choose to add anything to this bargain, you will agree without question. In return, you will come with me to my home and make yourself useful. Agreed?"
She kept her eyes on mine, waiting for my answer. She had chosen her words wisely, I could not physically harm anyone whether I meant to or not without permission, not that I would want to. Even with the wolf, I would have preferred to let it go than fight it. Perhaps that's why the earth tripped me, to stop me from doing something I would regret.
"Agreed." As soon as I said the word, I felt a strange tingle behind my ear and then Rhysand was there behind Feyre, looking behind her own ear.
"Copycat," he smirked.
"Very well, take him. I assume now that this is sorted you will be leaving?" Drakon asked.
"Yes, there is still much to do." Rhysand responded.
"Farewell friend." The males nodded at each other and then the females.
My chair again slid out from the table and Feyre gestured behind me where a large archway stood that I had not seen. The trimmings of the archway had the same design as the table and we walked through them.
"Time to go home," Feyre said to her mate, his hand interlaced with her own and they vanished.
Azriel laid his hand on my shoulder again and we were nothing but shadow as we travelled to wherever it was my beholder called home.
The Bedroom
We appeared inside a bedroom; two beds sat on opposite sides of the room against the walls. A large window took up most of the third wall that let in the sun to bathe over both beds and in the corner was a door, presumably somewhere to relieve myself. In response I felt a tightening in my gut.
"Is there a toilet in there?" I asked pointing to the door.
Azriel stilled but nodded. I began to walk for the door and noticed Azriel following me. I placed a finger on that spot behind my ear where the bargain left its mark. You are to be monitored by a member of my court at all times. Oh dear. What had I signed up for?
I walked through the door with Azriel at my heels, indeed there was a toilet in the corner, a sink in the opposite corner and a tub in the centre of the room for bathing. I stepped towards the toilet while Azriel remained at the door. I looked at the toilet, it was one thing to know what it was, how I knew I wasn't sure, but to use it, I guess I would figure it out.
I fumbled with my pants my cheeks heating again and aimed for the toilet. It took a second to get the aim right, and the stream hit the side of the toilet splashing onto the floor. Shit. I fumbled with my pants again once I was done and turned to the sink, my cheeks heating even more. Had he noticed? I ran my fingers under the tap and grabbed the towel that sat on the counter. I stepped back over to the toilet with the towel in hand, but when I went to wipe up the mess it was gone.
I'm sure my face was completely red now and when I placed the towel back on the sink and looked up at the mirror, my face was indeed red. I walked back to the door where Azriel still stood, but he did not move.
"That was my…" I began not meeting his eyes.
"Your first time," he finished for me. I didn't dare look at him, the embarrassment was too much. "Take a bath, someone is looking for some clothes for you."
I saw his hand move a fraction and heard the water begin to fill the tub. I walked over to it and placed my fingers under the faucet. I pulled back my fingers and hissed. The water was boiling. I could feel him still behind me and I remembered his hands. The water stopped and I turned to look at him. His fists were clenched at his sides and his eyes were wide. So many emotions passed through those eyes.
"It's okay, just a little hot, another first," I told him.
He relaxed slightly and the water flowed again, and I placed my fingers back under it. The water was cold now, but I wouldn't complain, this was fine. I smiled and nodded at him which seemed to relax him further and I realised that I was about to get naked again, in front of him.
I didn't look at him as I removed my shirt and turned away from him as I removed my pants and climbed into the tub. I suppressed a shiver and sat in the tub as it filled. It was nicer than the dungeon, but I realised now that I was still a prisoner. A bar of soap appeared at the bottom of the tub once the water was full and I began to clean myself. Even though it was cold, the water and the soap were soothing, calming. I no longer felt the heat on my cheeks and my muscles seemed to relax, the pain from earlier a distant memory.
A door from the other room opened and footsteps came to the bathroom.
"What are you doing?" the male asked. Where Azriel was beautifully handsome, the new male was ruggedly handsome. Dressed in all black, a simple shirt and pants he stood in the doorway looking at Azriel. "You don't have to watch him all the time Az, you have other senses than just your eyes."
He grabbed Azriel and pulled him into the bedroom. Not a complete prison then, but now I was finished I didn't know what to do. I climbed back out of the tub, put my clothes back on and walked into the bedroom. The two were whispering to each other as I stood in the doorway shivering.
"This is Cassian, he will take over," and Azriel vanished.
"Perv. So, you don't know how to do anything?" he asked. I dropped his gaze. "There should be a towel and some clothes in there now, come out when you're done," he said pointing his chin towards the bathroom.
When I turned back into the bathroom there they were, a towel and a set of black clothes. I dried myself and changed. I folded my old attire and brought them into the room with me.
"Put them near the tub, someone will grab them," Cassian said as I entered the room, so I did. "Apparently you've had a long couple of days, sleep."
He now sat in one of the beds arms crossed. "Has it only been a couple days?" I asked climbing onto the bed.
"Not even. What's your deal anyway?"
"I don't know. I can speak obviously, I can look at something and know what it's called, but…"
"You don't know how to do anything."
I sat on the bed like he did, but I couldn't sleep like this. I thought through it. A bed is for someone to lie on and sleep and blankets they are supposed to warm you at night. The pillows are for your head to rest on when you sleep. I touched the blanket I sat on and searched for a break in the material to peel back. A stupid thing to be proud of, but I peeled back the blanket and slid myself underneath it.
It took a while to find a comfortable position, the bed and the pillows were so soft, I wasn't used to it and there was a dull ache between my shoulder blades. Eventually though, I found one, I lay on my stomach with my arms wrapped around the pillow my head was on and my legs were spread so that one of my feet peeked out from the blanket. Cassian hadn't moved from his sitting position, and whenever I glanced at him, he just looked at me with confusion.
I made sure that once I found a comfortable sleeping position that I was facing the window and that was where I now stared. Watching the sky turn to black and the stars peek out through the darkness. It took a long time to fall asleep, the whispers began again once I finally started feeling tired.
They told me about the High Fae and the Lesser Fae and those that were different, the Illyrians. It told me stories of the mighty warriors and their bloodshed and that Cassian was one of them. That didn't help me sleep either, knowing that an Illyrian was watching me, guarding me. He probably knew I wasn't asleep, but he didn't say anything, didn't move from his spot, and soon the exhaustion hit me and I drifted off.
Feyre
The light streamed in from the window and I blinked into it, my eyes adjusting. I fumbled in the blankets on the bed, even after spending so much time finding a comfortable sleeping position, that spot between my shoulders still hurt and I felt more tired now than when I fell asleep.
I peered over at the opposite bed. Cassian still sat there, eyes on me as if I might attack at any moment. He was smiling though, and his eyes moved to something next me. When I turned to look, I jumped and fell out of the bed.
I righted myself and stood examining the female that lay there. Another beautiful creature, I was beginning to wonder if there even was such a thing as an ugly Fae. Her golden hair was tied in a braid that fell over her shoulder, her brown eyes assessing me with a broad smile on her face.
"So you're the new play thing," she mused. "I'm Morrigan," she said prowling over the bed and standing so that her face was mere inches from mine. "Interesting, breakfast is in five," she said sauntering out. I gaped at Cassian who only let out a soft chuckle.
"There's more clothes in the bathroom for you, if you want to bathe before breakfast make it quick, I'm hungry," he said.
I was still stunned at what had just happened, but I walked to the bathroom and found the clothes. I didn't bother bathing; I wasn't sure if I had to use magic for the taps to work or if you could use them without. The clothes were black, a pair of pants and a shirt, but this time I was provided with undergarments. I quickly changed and folded my other clothes and placed them where the new ones had been.
Cassian grunted his approval as I entered the room again and strode for the door. He led me into a hallway and down to where we were eating breakfast. Feyre and Morrigan were already there eating with another female. She resembled Feyre, the same hair and eyes and stunning.
They were all laughing at something Morrigan had said. Cassian brushed past me and said, "Your turn," and disappeared into another hallway.
"Thank you," Feyre called after him, she turned to me then and motioned me to sit with them. I took a seat beside Morrigan opposite Feyre and who I assumed was her sister. "Morrigan was just telling us about how she introduced herself."
"It's not every day you wake up with a stranger in your bed," I replied. That sent Morrigan into a hysterical laugh.
"This is my sister, Elain," Feyre gestured to the female beside.
"Nice to meet you," she said.
"Likewise," I replied.
"Have something to eat, there's plenty here," Feyre said. She was right, the table was full of different foods, pastries, bacon, eggs, greens. I started to pile onto my plate as she continued, "My court is busy today, so you will be coming into the city with me as I run some errands, I can take you on a tour of Velaris, once I'm done."
I nodded and picked up the fork and knife next to my plate, spying on how the others used them. The first mouthful took a few tries to land in my mouth, the eggs kept falling off my fork. As I took that first mouthful, I realised the conversation had stopped and when I looked up, they were all staring at me.
Morrigan had a bemused look on her face, but Feyre and Elain showed understanding and when I looked back down at my plate a spoon had appeared next to it.
The spoon was easier to use and once my plate was empty Feyre took me into the city. The earth had whispered to me what the city looked like and the different Fae who lived here but seeing it with my own eyes was spectacular.
The street was busy and full, Fae bowing their heads and waving at Feyre, their High Lady. She kept a running commentary going of all the shops and buildings we entered, what they were used for, where to get the best pastries or food or jewellery. There were some buildings that were barricaded off though, the remnants of a battle she told me.
Her commentary stopped as we reached a stretch of land with numerous Fae working to bring down a stone wall.
"I need to check on a few things, can I trust you to stay here?"
"You could just command me to," I replied.
"I would prefer not to," she said.
I nodded and turned back to the city as she greeted the Fae workers and enquired about their progress. I could see one of the buildings that had crumbled from that battle Feyre spoke of. I wondered what it was made of and if there was maybe a way I could help.
"The stones from here will help us greatly to rebuild, thank you," I heard one of them say.
They continued on, talking about plans to rebuild, how long it would take, what resources they still needed. From the sounds of it, it would still be years before all the buildings would be rebuilt or torn down all together like the one on the stretch of land behind me. I concentrated on a piece of rubble from the distant fallen building and it rolled to the side.
"I'm all done here, are you ready for a proper tour of the city?" Feyre asked.
"How many buildings fell in the attack?" I asked.
"I don't have an exact number," she admitted, "but there are a lot."
"Can you take me to them?" I asked, "Starting with that one." I said pointing to the building I had just moved the piece of rubble at.
She nodded and we began walking towards the fallen building. She explained to me that the owners did not survive the attack and their closest relative who had inherited the shop could not afford to rebuild it. They were planning on destroying it and selling the land.
I stood in front of the rubble and concentrated on the pieces of rock before me. I could not fix everything that had broken, but I could fix some. The rubble began to vibrate and move, connecting to other pieces like a jigsaw puzzle and the more I connected the more I could hear a faint whisper. This one goes here, that over there. It spoke to me guiding me to where to place the rock and when there was nothing to connect, I created what was needed.
I let my magic settle onto the newly formed building, smoothed out the cracks and permanently joined the rock back together. It was only a shell, just walls and ceilings, but it was a start.
I turned to ask Feyre where the next one was, but she stood there gaping at me. Others had stopped to watch on the street as well, gawking at what I had just done. Feyre took my hand in hers.
"How did..." she trailed off.
"It's not much, the windows and doors and any furniture inside are all still broken and will need to be swept out, but if the buildings I made from a type of earth, I can rebuild them. Where's the next one?"
She blinked away the tear forming in her eye and started running towards another building, dragging me along with her.
We didn't get a chance to go on that tour of the city she wanted to take me on, I had rebuilt countless shops and homes and other buildings throughout the city and Feyre introduced me to the families who owned them. I guess that was a kind of tour on its' own and to see how happy they were and how grateful, I was glad to help.
Feyre had told me numerous times to stop, that I had done enough for the day, done enough for a lifetime and I did stop, for food and water, but I kept building until my magic gave out and I fell to my knees. A silent message to her mate and Azriel appeared.
Winnowing, the whispers told me.
And now I was in the tub again, hot this time, letting my body relax and recuperate. Azriel waited for me in the other room. I rested my chin on the edge of the tub and let my body float in the water. The pain in my back, still between my shoulders, was getting worse and putting any pressure on it, even leaning my back against the tub, was too uncomfortable.
"That can't be comfortable," Azriel said from the doorway.
"It's better than you might think. I thought you were waiting in the other room."
"Just making sure you weren't dead. It would be unfortunate."
I smiled at that and he went back inside. "Perv," I muttered.
The tap suddenly started up pouring ice cold water into the tub and I let out a curse. The chuckle from the other room told me what happened. I begrudgingly got out of the tub and dried myself off, the same clothes I wore to bed last night appearing washed and dried on the sink as I finished up. I opted to leave the shirt off this time, because of the discomfort in my back of course.
I walked into the other room and slumped onto the bed. "Why does it hurt so much?"
"Magic is a part of you, it runs through your veins, your muscles and when you use too much of it, it not only drains your stamina but your muscles as well," Azriel replied.
"When will I feel better?"
"It's different for everyone, but considering what Feyre told me you did, I'd say at least a few days."
"Uugh."
"Why did you do it? You don't know those families or us and yet you helped them."
"It was the right thing to do."
"Thank you."
"Are you on guard duty tonight?"
"Yes," he chuckled. "We'll rotate between the four of us."
"Four?"
"Cassian, Morrigan, myself and Amren."
"What's an Amren."
He laughed at that and said, "You'll find out."
Elain
I couldn't remember if I woke up during the night and found my way under the covers or if Azriel had done it, I didn't really care as I felt the pain coursing through me. It was much worse than yesterday, and I let out a low moan.
"Maybe you'll think twice now before using so much of your magic," Azriel said.
I poked my head out from under the covers and poked my tongue out at him.
"Careful, you might lose it."
"I'd like to see you try," I murmured through the blankets.
He vanished into the shadows at the challenge and I tracked his power through the room. He materialised next to me and reached for my mouth, but I was ready and grabbed his wrist. The movement hurt, but I got him, and his outstretched finger gently grazed my top lip.
"Good reflexes," he muttered, and I went to bite his finger, but he pulled away. "Breakfast is ready, get dressed."
Another set of clothes sat upon the sink in the bathroom and I changed into them, my muscles groaning at the effort and I replaced them with the pants I wore to bed. Azriel then took me to the eating room, nodded at Feyre and vanished. I gradually made my way to the table took a seat and rested my head on the table.
"That bad huh?" Feyre asked.
I turned my face so I could look at her across the table, "That bad," I replied.
"Most people train from when they're a youngling to wield their magic and then wield their body when their magic has spent. I can relate, the first time I used up all my magic I was sore for days."
I grumbled a reply and grabbed a pastry bringing it to my mouth still resting on the table.
"What you did yesterday, for all those families, I won't forget it and neither will they," she said. I just nodded and ate my pastry. "I have some paperwork to go through today, so I'll be here, you have my permission to stay in the house without supervision." I felt a tingle behind my ear at the command.
I nodded again and turned my face toward the front doors. I had noticed a garden surrounding the property when Feyre took me into the city yesterday, it had called to me, but I let it go and now it called to me again.
"Morrigan and Elain are in the garden if you want to look, I'm sure they won't mind."
I nodded again into the table, took another pastry and headed for the double doors. I spied Morrigan sunning herself on a bench while Elain worked on a flowerbed under one of the windows of the house. Elain didn't seem as cautious towards me as the others and I felt Morrigan's gaze on me as I walked towards her.
The flowers she was working on were dying and Elain was putting compost around them hoping to bring them back to life. I knelt beside her and watched her work, she offered me a small smile and kept working.
"I've been trying to get these flowers to root here for a while, but they never seem to take," She explained.
I looked at the flowers, could hear their faint whisper and with the little power I had rejuvenated as I slept, I placed my fingers into the soil and let it speak to me.
"The earth below the top layer of soil is too hard for the flowers to take root," I told her.
She let out a soft sigh, "Is there anything to be done?" A flash of emotion, sadness, washed over her eyes.
I let my power sink into that solid earth and reshaped it into fertile soil. I then let my power seep into the flowers giving them some life. The dying flowers regained their colour and stood proud as they bloomed. I became lightheaded and braced my other hand on the ground to stop from falling over.
"The earth is soft now, it's only a temporary fix, but the flowers should thrive here for the time being," I said through closed eyes.
Elain placed a hand on my shoulder and offered me her thanks. "You still don't have a name yet do you?" she asked.
I opened my eyes then. No, I didn't have a name. I hadn't even thought to give myself one. "No," I replied.
Elain peered around the garden at the trees and plants and flowers I had no doubt she planted herself. "How about Cedar?" she asked looking at a large tree at the back of the garden.
"Sure," I said, "Cedar it is."
She smiled at me again and went back to her garden, that flash of sadness coming back to her eyes. I didn't know if it was the soreness in my muscles that made me so bold or if I truly wanted to help her but I said, "You know it's ok to cry?"
Her hands stilled as she said, "I don't know what you mean."
She turned to me with a fake smile on her lips and she glanced at Morrigan. I had learnt that the High Fae have impeccable hearing, perhaps that's why there was such sadness in her eyes, she didn't allow herself to cry for fear of someone hearing her.
I saw a flicker of movement at Morrigan's side as I felt her power surround us in an invisible shield. The sounds around us, the ones I had barely registered as I entered the garden faded into nothing. The sounds of the birds chirping overhead, the breeze flowing through the trees, the whisper of the bustling city around us, all gone. I quietly thanked Morrigan for the privacy, I would need her to teach me that.
I reached over and placed my hand on Elain's. "What's wrong?" I asked.
"Nothing, I'm fine," she replied, the forced smile back on her face.
"You know sometimes it's easier to speak to a stranger about your problems than someone you know well; we give unbiased advice," I told her.
"How would you know?"
"How do I know anything? It's a mystery to even me."
She shifted on her knees so that she was facing me now, the smile gone and so many emotions raging through her eyes. "There was a war recently and a lot of things happened. I'm trying to stay strong, so my sisters don't worry about me, but it's… tiring."
"Bottling up your emotions like that, for whatever reason, is never the right answer. You just keep bottling and bottling until one day you burst."
"There's just so much going on and I've put everyone through so much already, I don't want them to have to worry about me as well."
"Then tell them that. Tell them that you have these feelings, that you are alright and that you just have to work through them. I'm sure all of them have similar feelings and are dealing with them in their own ways, but what you are doing it isn't healthy."
A tear ran down her face. "How do I work through them?"
"You let yourself feel them, every emotion every feeling, even when you think you can't. What's in the past is in the past, it can't hurt you anymore. Face the memories head on and sort through it all."
"I'm scared."
"It's okay to feel scared, there is no wrong emotion or feeling, each one is valid and apart of us. We must accept them as apart of us and then we can grow."
"Grow into what?"
"Someone strong."
Elain began to weep, and I held her as she started to finally let herself feel some of things she had bottled up. Morrigan had found her way to the shade of the cedar tree and was leaning against it facing the city, giving us more privacy. We stayed like that for a while, Elain in my arms, Morrigan watching the city and when Elain finally stopped, the shield fell and she excused herself and went inside.
"What did you tell her?" Morrigan asked.
"Just that it's okay to feel."
"You look like shit, you should go get some rest."
My muscles groaned as I tried to stand and Morrigan was there in a flash to help me up. She put one of my arms around her shoulders and I leaned into her as we walked back into the house and into the bedroom. When we reached the door to the room and Morrigan began to open it, we heard Feyre and Elain talking.
"I think I'm okay, there are just some things I need to work through, and I don't want you to worry about me. I will be strong, I am strong." Elain said.
"Anything you need Elain, I'm here for you."
"I know, you always have been."
Morrigan and I smiled and stepped into the bedroom. She helped me into the bed and pulled the curtains closed over the window and I was asleep.
Morrigan
It took a few more days for me to feel normal again, especially when I finally met Amren. When it was her turn to watch me sleep, she paced up and down the room all night and from the way she watched me I was scared she might pounce and drink my blood at any moment.
When I told Azriel that, he laughed and said she doesn't do that anymore. Not a comforting thought. I had spent my time those past few days in the house talking with Feyre, Elain and Morrigan. I finally met Nuala and Cerridwen the twin wraiths who were constantly providing me with clothes every morning.
I was helping them make breakfast this morning with Elain as Morrigan sat and watched. I was useless, but they told me what to do and how to help, Morrigan laughed when a bowl of flour exploded in my face and then again when I slipped on an egg I dropped. Useless.
I dropped a second egg onto the floor and decided that my help was more of a hindrance and left to take a bath. No one bothered to stop me, but they thanked me and Morrigan escorted me back to the room.
Elain had looked happy in the kitchen with the twins, and I smiled to myself knowing that she was taking those first steps towards accepting her feelings.
Azriel and Mor had shown me how to turn on the faucets in the bathroom with my magic, as well as erecting those invisible shields so I didn't have to cringe every time I used the toilet. Morrigan had insisted I call her Mor, saying Morrigan was too formal.
She perched on one of the beds as I entered the room and gave me a feline smile. A smile I had learnt to mean trouble.
"You are coming with me today, so hurry up and eat so we can get going," she said.
She winnowed out of the room and with no one else there to monitor me, the mark behind my ear pulsated and a thunderbolt of pain went through me. My only thought was Find Feyre.
I collapsed to me knees from the pain, tugging on the bond of the bargain to find Feyre and I winnowed. I wasn't sure how I did it, whether it was part of the bargain or if my body acted on instinct, but I appeared in the eating room on my knees breathing heavily.
I heard the clang of cutlery hitting plates and rushed footsteps. Warm hands cupped my face forcing me to look up at Feyre.
"What's wrong?" she commanded. I spied Mor out of the corner of my eye sitting at the table wide eyed.
"She left me unmonitored," I breathed glaring at Mor.
Feyre now glared at Morrigan as the understanding crossed her face. "I'm sorry, I didn't know that would happen. At least you know you can winnow now," she said.
Feyre helped me off the ground, as I noticed Azriel appear by the table. His eyes were on me, worry flickered in his eyes but his face gave nothing away.
"I felt..." he began.
"Everything is fine," Feyre began and explained to him what happened which resulted in another glare from Azriel to Mor. She just waved it off and he was gone.
Breakfast was quiet, I don't think any of us realised what would happen if one of the rules of the bargain was broken. Thankfully Feyre had thought to add in the part about finding her, otherwise I knew that pain from earlier would have killed me.
Once I had my fill I turned to Mor and asked where we were going.
"Are you sure you're up for it?" she asked.
"I'm fine now, the pain's gone."
"I was just going to take you into town and get you day drunk, but if you don't want to…" she trailed off.
I couldn't help but laugh, "Of course that's what you wanted to do." In the times that I had joined the others for dinner, it seemed that Mor never parted ways with her wine glass until she was too drunk to hold it. "I'm game, but go easy on me, I'm only a week old after all."
She gave me that feline grin again and we were gone. I was in trouble.
We started off slow, Mor took me to small bar that was opened all morning and night for six days through the week. She presented me with small glasses of different alcohols until I found one that I liked. Everything burned my throat as I drank it, but there was one that I actually enjoyed the taste of.
"Seriously?" Mor said, "This one? It's the cheapest crap you can buy."
Even the server was inclined to agree with her. "It tastes nice and doesn't hurt as much as the others," I rasped.
"That's because it's crap! You'd need a barrel of this to get drunk."
I was already feeling the effects in my body from what few sips I had taken. If I were to drink a barrel, it would be worse than using up all my magic again.
"At least I'm a cheap date," I said.
"For now, you'll be up to my level in a few weeks, I'll make sure of it."
We spent most of the morning, in that bar, finding what drink I liked and then Mor forced me to drink an entire bottle regaling me with stories of her drunk adventures with Cassian and Azriel. After that bottle she took me to other bars, where they had music and gambling and other services. The faeries on the street smiled at Mor and gave me sympathetic looks as she dragged me along.
I tried to dance, but I was so drunk at that point that it was just an effort to stay up right. And I didn't have any interest in gambling or the other services some of the bars, brothels, offered.
She took me then to a place a little more subdued than the rest, even Mor seemed to quieten as we entered. She continued telling me stories, but I could see through my droopy eyes, that she kept scanning the room and when she found what she was looking for, her gaze would sneak over to that spot in the room constantly.
I gripped onto the table and managed to turn my head in the direction she was looking. There was a group of females chatting in the corner of the room and one of them was looking back at Mor.
"You're crafty," I said through a burp.
"I don't know what you mean," she replied.
"You wanted to come here all along, I was just your cover. And you got me drunk enough that I won't remember anything in the morning."
"You are smarter than you look. And more observant than most," she said appraising me with new interest.
"How long have you been seeing her," I burped. She stilled and realised this may not have been the best plan. "Your secret is safe with me, whether I remember in the morning or not."
"Not long, it probably won't last long either."
"Does she make you happy?"
"Yes, but—"
"Then who cares. Do whatever and whoever makes you happy. As long as they consent," I said waggling a finger in her face.
"I should get you back to the house."
"NO!" I yelled, the fae around us glancing over at us. "This is what you wanted to do today. DO IT! I will make my own drunk story to tell YOU when YOU are ready to leave."
"Okay, okay," she said motioning with her hands for me to be quiet.
"Go have fun," I said gesturing towards the fae in the corner.
I watched her talking to the female for a few minutes before getting up and trying to make new friends. That was a struggle, I could barely stand, and I started slurring my words, so I decided to go on an adventure.
I walked the streets of Velaris, talking to anyone who would listen, some of them recognising me and thanking me again for restoring their home and what not. I just waved them off and told them it was nothing.
One of them pitied me and gave me some food, "Sober you up a bit," the male said. I hadn't realised I was hungry until I bit into the pastry and then finished it in a second. I thanked him and continued on walking towards the majestic river of Velaris, the Sidra.
I walked along it, feeling its water spray over me in the wind, breathing in the scent of it. The sun was setting now, and I watched it sink behind the ocean. I should get home. Was it home?
I made it only a few steps before I sank to my knees and threw up. Oh no, the pastry… It was unfortunate but I felt more sober now. I managed to get myself upright and set a course to the house and noticed a familiar shadow out of the corner of my eye.
The fae on the street stayed clear of me now, I think I smelled like vomit, probably got some on my shirt too. I walked past one of the bars Mor had taken me to earlier and my stomach lurched, but I kept everything down. I started to walk away when I heard a crate fall in the alley next to it.
An adventure. I walked towards the entrance to the alley and as I peered inside, I saw a couple pressed up against the wall. The male was kissing her neck and a familiar scent hit me and I saw the brown hair.
"Feyre!" I called waving out. The male stopped kissing her neck and when he moved, I realised it wasn't Feyre, but she looked like Feyre. "You're not Feyre. Do you know Feyre?"
I grabbed the wall next to me and leaned my side against it as I sat down.
"Go away," the male snarled, mean male.
"Get off me," the Feyre look alike said.
"Come on, we had fun last time, we can have some more fun," he purred and kissed her neck again.
"Does she consent?" I asked.
He snarled at me and yelled, "Get lost!"
My mind sobered up for a moment and I locked eyes with him, "Does she consent?"
"No," she answered.
I balled my fist and slammed it on the ground; the alley shook. "Let her go."
He turned back to her again, "Come on it's just a bit of fun."
"I said no," she replied.
I slammed my fist on the pavement again and the earth erupted until it connected with the fae male and sent him flying off. The alley began to spin, and I leaned my head back against the wall behind me.
"You smell like vomit," she said as she made her way towards me.
"I think I got some on my shirt," I said smiling at her and then peered down at a brown stain I had only just noticed.
"Who are you?" she asked. She looked so serious. If looks could kill that guy would have been a goner.
"There you are?!" Morrigan said appearing beside me. "I've been looking all ov—Nesta?"
Nesta just stared down her nose at Mor. Mor looked behind me at what I had done and then to the fae male limping away.
"A very bad fae. A very, very bad, bad fae who did not have consent," I told her.
Mor looked back to Nesta, but she ignored her and walked off. Mor watched her as she turned the corner and walked into the bar, then turned to me.
"Are you hurt?" she asked.
"Just drunk," I replied.
"It's been hours, how are you still drunk?"
"My liver is a week old, shut up."
She grabbed my hand and winnowed us away, thankfully to my toilet where I proceeded to throw up, again. In between heaves I asked her, "How was your date?"
"It wasn't a date," she said too quickly. "It was just two people chatting and having some food and wine."
I glared at her from the toilet bowl.
"Fine, maybe it was a date."
"Did you kiss?" I asked.
It was her turn to glare at me now. "Is that all you wanted to know, if we kissed? Is that what you're into. Perv."
I laughed, "Trust me that is not what I'm into."
"Then what are you into, who are you into? I took you to that brothel and you didn't look at any of them."
I wretched again and the tub began to fill with water. I wanted to say his name, admit it to myself, but I couldn't all I could say was, "Not females."
"Huh. Come on, you need to bathe," she said walking over to me and helping me stand.
The vomit had vanished from my shirt, but it still smelt. Mor helped me remove my clothes and then helped me into the tub.
"Pity you're not into females," she whispered. She tried to lean me back into the tub, but that spot between my shoulders flared with pain again and I sat up.
"Not that you would care," I replied.
"Oh, I still enjoy the company of a man, only physically though."
"Maybe in a few centuries, I'll switch sides."
"Please do," she whispered into my ear and began cleaning my back.
"Do the others know?" I asked.
"Feyre does, or at least I've told her, but I haven't told the others."
"Why?"
"I'm not sure. I know they wouldn't care; something just keeps stopping me."
I placed my hand on hers and said, "You don't have to do anything until you're ready. And if you ever need someone to talk to, I'm here. I won't tell anyone; you can make a bargain with me if you like." I tapped the back of my ear for emphasis.
"Interesting," she said, looking at the tattoo.
"What? What is it?"
"The tattoo, it's just the outline of a black circle, but whenever the gold under your skin touches it, it disappears."
"Why?"
"I'm not sure, I've never seen anyone like you before. With that gold running through you. And I won't make a bargain with you, for whatever reason, I seem to trust you. Now get out, you need to rest."
Mor helped me out of the tub, and I dried myself off, the alcohols effects almost wearing off completely. I chucked on a pair of black pants and headed for the bed. A glass, a jug of water and an apple appeared next to the bed as I got in. I ate the apple and drank two glasses of water before settling in.
I almost forgot, "Who was that girl from earlier?" I asked.
Mor had made herself comfortable on the other bed and replied, "Nesta, she's Feyres' other sister."
Nestas' name had come up in conversation before, but this was my first time actually seeing her.
"I see," I began, "Hey Mor."
She grunted a reply.
"You deserve to be happy," I whispered and then sleep took me.
Cassian
A few more days passed, and it was Azriels turn to watch over me. Apparently, he has taken to watching me even when it's not his turn. It was why I was able to walk around in my drunken stupor the other night, he was watching me from the shadows. I guess I was too drunk to realise, and if I hadn't interfered with Nesta and that fae, he would have killed him. He probably did after Mor winnowed us out of there.
But now he and I were relaxing in the garden, he was sunning his wings on the grass while I was lying face down on one of the benches playing with a puzzle box Mor had bought me. Her apology for getting me so drunk and the two-day hangover I had. I somehow remembered everything from that day, but I didn't let on just in case.
Every so often Azriel would send his shadows over to me and tickle my feet and I would quake the earth under him in response. We never said much to each other, but I enjoyed his company and I think he enjoyed mine.
Elain joined us after a while and both Azriel and I got up to help her. She insisted that she didn't need help, but we still did, we watched her work and mimicked what she did. She told me about her plans for the garden, and what flowers and bushes she wanted to plant and asked my opinion if she had chosen good spots for them. Most of the earth in the garden was soft and fertile, but without the actual plants and sensing their needs, I could only assume that they would be fine.
Elain shooed us away from where she was working and so Azriel and I headed to another part of the garden and did some weeding. It was going well until I saw him reach for a flower shoot and I grabbed his hand. He stilled under my touch, but he didn't take his hand away. His hand was warm in mine and my thumb began mindlessly tracing those brutal scars of his.
"Beautiful," I whispered.
I looked at Azriels face then, he was watching me so intensely and then something sparked in his eyes and his face snapped to Elain. She was watching us and smiling, she looked at Azriel a grin forming on her face and nodded. His gaze turned back to mine and we stayed there for another second just looking into each other's eyes. Reluctantly I peeled my gaze away from his and released his hand.
"That one is a flower shoot, not a weed," I explained.
"I'm going to go help Nuala and Cerridwen with lunch, any requests?" Elain asked.
"I'm fine with anything," I told her, Azriel didn't say anything, just a nod.
Elain went back into the house and it was just me and him again. I stood from the flowerbed we were tending, Azriel mimicking my movements. His eyes bore into my own and I had to drop his gaze. I couldn't stop the smile on my face, trying to bite my lips to break it. I watched his hand that I had just been holding and his fingers would stretch out as if to take my hand again and then clench, undecided.
Danger.
Azriel's head snapped to the city and his shadows flared around him.
"I have to go," he said.
"I know," the whispers were telling me what was happening, "Can I come with you?'
He considered for a moment but said, "No."
I looked back at the house, Elain was already gone and there weren't any Court members around. This was going to hurt. I turned back to Azriel who seemed to understand. I took his hand in mine again and squeezed.
"It's okay. I'll be fine," I told him.
He squeezed my hand back and flared his wings and then he was flying through the skies of Velaris. I watched him as I felt the pain wash over me again and I sank to my knee, I saw one of his wings faulter and I let the bargain take me to Feyre.
I appeared on the floor of a wooden cabin, when I looked around, I saw Feyre, Rhysand, Cassian and another Illyrian I didn't recognise. Feyre came to my side right away and helped me up.
"Where's Azriel?" she asked.
"Someone is attacking Velaris, he had to leave me," I said.
"Devlon, why is there an Illyrian soldier attacking my city?" Rhysand asked in perfect calm.
Cassian started fuming though, he was yelling at Devlon and Rhysand was pitching in with remarks. Feyre brought me to a seat and I sat down and watched the outburst. She sat beside me and sighed.
"Do you know if anyone was hurt?" she asked.
"He brought down one of the buildings I restored, I don't think he's actually attacking anyone though."
She let out a long breath and went to get a glass of water. I stayed and watched the Illyrians battle it out. Rhysand had his wings out, a rare occurrence.
Ice. Woman. Free her.
I closed my eyes and cocked my head to listen to the whispers.
Mountain. Ice. Cassian.
The arguing stopped. Devlon had held his own against them and Cassian was still fuming. Feyre sat back down and gave me a glass of water. I thanked her and we continued to watch. Cassian threw his arms up in the air and turned for the door.
Cassian.
He tore open the door and walked out, I set my glass on my chair and ran after him. His wings flared preparing to fly but I called out to him.
"Cassian!" he stilled for a second then flared his wings again. "Where are you going?" I asked.
"Nowhere," he said.
But I knew where, "I need you to take me with you."
He turned and glared at me, "No."
I tried not to tremble under his gaze with no avail, but I straightened my back and said, "I need you to take me there."
Confusion flashed in his eyes but again said, "No."
"The whispers are talking to me again. There's a woman, up in the mountains, frozen in ice. They want me to help her."
"Plenty of people die in the mountains."
"I need you to take me Cassian. Only you."
He considered for a moment, then picked me up in his arms and flew into the sky. I would like to say it was a pleasant experience, my first time flying, but I was petrified. In the sky I had no power, I couldn't feel the earth or hear its' whispers, powerless. Cassian was protecting me from the brunt of the cold with his power and I realised that I was definitely not dressed for this climate.
I feared that if I stepped out of his shield I would freeze to death. We descended onto a flat stretch of mountain pass covered in snow and although I was pleased to feel the earth under my feet, the snow threatened to freeze my toes off. Even with Cassian's shield around us, it was freezing, I clung to his side and his warmth, we were very high up in the mountains.
We stood at the edge of the stretch of land, and begrudgingly I knelt into the snow and put my hand into the earth. I searched for the woman the whispers told me about. It took a while, but I found her. I took my hand out of the ground, it was blue from the cold and tucked it under my arm for warmth.
"This way," I told him. My feet had gone numb and my blue hand was shaking. Cassian kept half-heartedly telling me to stop, that we could come back, but I was determined to see this through and the hope in Cassians eyes was heart breaking. I brought him to the centre, and I willed the earth to move.
A crack in the ground formed in front of us, snow piling into it, and I pulled it apart creating space, while I concentrated on something below us. I covered it in a protective layer of rock and lifted it to the surface. I closed the chasm I had created and gently placed it before us letting the rock crumble away.
She was beautiful, a beautiful Illyrian female lay in a block of ice. The ice had preserved her, she looked as if she had only passed away the day before. Her wings were wrapped around her body, probably hiding the atrocities done to her body that the earth whispered to me.
Cassian fell to his knees and his shield dropped. I thought I was going to pass out from the cold, but I remained upright. Cassian was silently weeping beside me; I took a big breath and placed my hand on his shoulder.
"She's been down there a long time Cassian. Don't try to free her, not yet. We can take her back to Velaris and we can get Feyre to do it. With her ice and fire, she'll be the best person to do it," I told him. My body was shaking, but I continued, "Take your time, spend some time with her, but don't try to fly with her. Call out to me when you're ready, I'll hear you and I'll come and take her through the mountains."
I squeezed his shoulder and walked away. I couldn't feel my legs anymore, but I was moving at least. I slowly descended into the earth; it was just as cold as the surface, but as soon as my head sank into the ground, the bargain flared and I winnowed.
I was back in the same cabin, shivering on the floor covered in dirt and snow. I heard the thump of a chair falling over and running footsteps. The snow disappeared and Feyre was next to me with a blanket appearing in her hands.
"Cassian is fine," I breathed, sensing the question. "He's in the mountains. I found his mother."
Feyre looked up at someone, Rhysand and looked ready to winnow, but I grabbed Feyre's hand and opened my mind up to her. I showed her what happened in the mountains, what I said to Cassian and she told Rhysand to wait. I felt his talons scrape my mind as I too showed him what happened.
"What were you thinking, look at you Cedar! You are in no shape to be in that weather," Feyre said. She had her hands on my blue feet now sending some warmth into them.
"I trusted in the bargain," I told her.
"You walked away from him; Cassian could have shielded you."
"He needed time alone with her and I wasn't going to intrude on that."
Rhysand found me a new change of clothes and a jacket, and Feyre found me a pair of shoes. Before long I felt pretty good.
Feyre was still scolding me, "You walked away, into the freezing cold, knowing that you would feel the pain from our bargain, and that the cold might kill you."
It had been the same argument over and over, but I was glad that someone was worried for my safety. I just nodded and agreed with her; I was silly, I shouldn't have done it, don't do it again etc. I hadn't heard any whispers yet, there would have been centuries worth of unspoken words that he would want to say to her.
"When Cassian calls for you, let us know and we'll come with you," Feyre said.
"Cassian's mother," I began, "She's encased in ice, do you think you can get her out?" I asked her.
"I'll do my best." She studied me for a long moment and then took a deep breath. She took my hand and said, "You no longer have to be monitored by a member of my court."
The tattoo behind my ear tingled and I gaped at her, "Are you sure?" I asked.
"You have shown no inclination that you would bring any harm to my lands or my people and with what you have done for Velaris and today with Cassian, it's the least I can do."
"Thank you."
We stayed in the cabin for a few hours, I learnt that this was where Rhysand, Cassian and Azriel stayed when they did their Illyrian training. I had something to eat and a hot drink and then the whispers started. Feyre and Rhysand had put on their own jackets and grabbed an extra for Cassian and then Rhysand winnowed us in.
We had debated earlier what would be the best way to move Cassian's mother, whether Rhysand should try winnowing her, if I should take her underground or if we should place her in the between, Feyre quickly shot that one down. We decided to examine the ice first and then choose.
Cassian had erected a shield around himself and his mother, keeping out the sounds of the wind and stopping the snow from falling on them. When we appeared Rhysand created his own barrier for all of us to fit into and Cassian let his drop. His eyes were blood shot, he must have only stopped crying a short time ago and when he saw Rhysand they embraced each other. Feyre and I walked over to Cassian's mother and examined the ice.
"I can strengthen the ice with my powers, but I'm not sure if it would be strong enough to winnow and I've never tried using magic while winnowing," she said.
"Can you use your powers to chip off a little bit of the ice and then try using that?" I asked.
We looked for the best spot of ice to try, the furthest point away from Cassians mother. Once we chose a spot, Feyre began using her magic to break off a little chunk, and with a bit of fire power it plopped into her hand. She reinforced the ice with her power and winnowed. When she reappeared, she opened her hands and the ice was fine.
"I can do it," she said.
We all crowded around Cassian's mother, placing our hands on the ice, and Rhysand winnowed us to the house. Elain jolted as we landed in the garden and Azriel was there waiting for us. He embraced Cassian and then he and Rhysand went into the house to discuss the attack on the city. That left Feyre, Cassian, Elain and me to try and melt the ice without hurting Cassian's mother.
Feyre did most of the work, but she hadn't mastered using heat without creating flame, so Cassian, Elain and I stood ready with water and handfuls of soil in case anything court on fire. When the ice was only a few inches thick, she stopped.
"Rhys has called for a healer, she will do the rest," she explained. And right on cue an older fae female walked into the garden. She bowed to Feyre and then examined the female trapped in ice.
"Unfortunately, this is not the first time I've seen something like this. I will take her to my shop, there are things I can do to make sure she is not harmed as we extract her," she said.
Two fae males came into the garden then carrying a stretcher, "I have a cart out front; we just have to get her on it," she continued.
"Allow me," I said. Using my powers, I cut out the earth that was beneath the ice and levitated it. The males placed the stretcher on the ground and I slowly manoeuvred her into position. After I placed her on the stretcher, I crumbled the earth into dust and sent it back into the hole I had just created.
The healer nodded her thanks to me and then she left with the males. Feyre had exerted herself and bade us farewell as she went inside to rest. Cassian also left wanting to talk to Rhys about the Illyrian attack. Elain looked at the rectangular piece of earth that now had no grass on it and sighed. I waved my hand and willed life to grow there, new grass, identical to the ones around it, sprang forth, and after a moment the rectangle was invisible.
"Sorry," I said.
Elain just smiled and went back to the gardening she was doing. My body felt sore, even with the part of the bargain gone, I still felt the pain that had sliced through me twice today. I needed rest. I said goodbye to Elain and left for my room. I decided to take a bath first and then slid into bed.
"You know I don't have to be monitored anymore right?" I asked Azriel.
After having a bath, I put on a pair of pants and found Azriel lying in the bed. My bed.
"I know," was all he said.
"You're in my bed," I said.
"This one is more comfortable, and I can keep a closer eye on you this way."
"Why?"
"In case you try something."
My cheeks heated a little and asked, "What exactly will I be trying?"
He smiled at that, actually smiled and turned his body to face me. His wings tucked in behind him and he propped his head up on his arm, the other laid out before him, he was statuesque. Beautiful. I pulled back the covers and slid into the bed, the blankets the only barrier between us.
His sapphire gem on his hand glittered in the sunlight still pouring in from the window, I pressed a finger to it and asked, "What are these?" I left my hand there, my other fingers just touching his scarred hand.
"They're called siphons. They help me control my power."
I traced the outline of the siphon, my fingers tickling his hand as I went. "How many do you have?" I asked.
"Seven."
"Is that a lot?"
"Most Illyrians only need one or two."
"Powerful Illyrian warrior," I smirked.
"I felt you today," he began, "I felt your pain like it was my own."
I remembered his wing giving out when he left me in the garden.
"When Mor left you, when I left you, and then again with Cassian. It took all my will power not to come for you today," he said.
"You have a job to do Azriel. I'm just a stray you guys picked up. I can deal with a little bit of pain here and there," I said. I had stopped tracing his siphon and was now tracing the scar lines on his hand.
"That was not a little bit of pain Cedar. I nearly blacked out that first time," he said.
He hadn't taken his eyes off me since I entered the room. I dropped his gaze and watched my fingers trace his scars.
"Thank you, for what you did today. For Cassian."
"It was the whispers, not me," I said.
"What do they say to you?" he asked.
"Nonsense most of the time, just words, feelings. I try to make sense of them though," I explained. "Is that how your shadows work?"
"They whisper to me as well. I can harness them though and send them out to find specific information." He turned his hand over, and I started tracing the scars there as well.
We were silent for a moment and then asked, "Is there going to be a funeral?"
"Tomorrow. All of us are going," he said, and I nodded. "You're coming to."
I lifted my gaze to his and whispered, "It's a family matter, I shouldn't be imposing on that."
"Cassian wants you there."
We lay in silence for most of the time, just looking at each other. Sometimes we would ask each other questions, and eventually I fell asleep hand in hand with Azriel.
I felt like an intruder. The ceremonies that were performed throughout the day were beautiful. A single priestess had been in charge of all of them and she mixed both customary and Illyrian traditions into them. The healer, Madja I learned, had been able to get Cassian's mother out of the ice without incident, and then was able to hide the atrocities done to her body. Only she and Rhysand had seen the extent of it, with Rhys offering to show Cassian one day if he asked.
The priestess spoke about how some believe that when we die, our souls become one with the earth. Perhaps that's what I was hearing, souls who had become one with the earth. We were then all asked to come up to the fallen female and pay our respects before burying her. One by one everyone went. Cassian, Rhysand, Feyre, Azriel, Morrigan, Amren, Elain, even Nesta, there were some others I didn't know and then everyone's eyes turned to me. I hadn't planned to go up there, but I couldn't not go with everyone watching.
I walked up the steps of the dais to where the female had been placed. She lay in a glass coffin, so similar to the ice we had freed her from, the edges were lined with gold and intricate patterns were carved into the beautiful metal. When I beheld her, my breath stopped.
She was beautiful in the ice, but here she was stunning. Her tanned skin glowed inside the coffin, the gold trimmings complementing her complexion. Her dark hair had been braided and sat upon her shoulder and she was dressed in a modest white gown. I saw Cassian's face in her own. As everyone else did before me, I placed a hand upon the coffin and offered her a silent prayer.
Thank you.
My eyes snapped open and I studied the female. I wasn't sure if it was there before, or my mind was playing tricks on me, but I could have sworn she was now smiling. I blinked away my confusion and bowed my head to her.
The priestess said some final prayers and we left for the cemetery. Cassian, Rhys, Azriel, Mor and Amren carried her the entire way. When we arrived, I made sure to stay as far back as possible. I wanted to be there for my friends, and I realised for the first time that these people were actually my friends, but I had only known them a few weeks and I wasn't going to assume that they wanted me here.
The priestess said another prayer as they lowered her into the grave and we were again asked to come up one by one, this time to pick up a handful of soil and drop it into the grave. Again, I was the last one to go up, but this time it was planned. I picked up a handful of soil and let it fall between my fingers and into the grave. And just as Feyre, Elain and I had discussed earlier that morning, I moved to the side of the grave where the mound of soil was and knelt before it as I let my power seep into it.
The soil began to rise like smoke in the wind and stream into the grave. As it did, it created images and memories from Cassian's childhood with his mother. Them sitting and having dinner, walking while holding hands, running around and flapping their wings, the female throwing Cassian in the air and catching him and more. A tear fell from my eye as the final image appeared, the female's smiling face.
I took a steadying breath and placed my hands upon the soil of the now full grave and willed life into it. Grass began to sprout and grow from the bottom of the grave spreading to the top and as the grass reached the headstone, flowers began to grow and bloom, flowers of beautiful pinks and blues that Elain had chosen.
A hand pressed down on my shoulder and I looked up to see Cassian's tear-stained face. He helped me off the ground and embraced me. I wrapped my arms around him being careful of his wings and relaxed into him. He silently cried into my shoulder until he was ready.
After a few moments he pulled away and said, "Thank you."
I walked with him back to his friends, his family, and looked at everyone's faces. All of them were damp with tears, even Nesta had shed some. I went to take my position at the back of the crowd again, but Azriel grabbed my hand and so I stayed with them.
Nesta
The days that passed after the funeral were sombre and quiet. I had taken to wandering the streets of Velaris and volunteering at some of the organizations repairing the city. Sometimes I would join Feyre when she volunteered, but mostly I stayed to myself. Azriel hadn't shown up in my bedroom since the funeral, I had only seen him once when he came to the house to meet with Rhys.
He, Rhys and Cassian were staying up in the mountains, keeping an eye on the Illyrian camps trying to prevent any further attacks. It had almost been a week and there was no sign of them coming back anytime soon.
I had finished my volunteering for the day, I was helping a shop owner paint the interior of her store and now I was on the hunt for some food. My favourite bakery was having a two for one sale and so I bought myself an assortment of pastries and a couple drinks then headed for the house.
This way.
It was the whispers who told me about the volunteering in the city and I don't think I could ignore them even if I wanted to, so I followed their call. They took me through streets and alleyways I had never seen before until I reached a secluded downtrodden part of the city. The building I had arrived at was old and rundown, a black spot on the colourful city of Velaris.
It unnerved me, but I went inside and continued down a hallway to a large wooden door. I knocked. There was no response, and so I knocked again. I heard a shuffle from inside and the turning of locks until the door opened.
"Nesta?"
She looked down her nose at me and said nothing. I stood there bewildered for a moment, why had the whispers brought me to her?
"Can I come in?" I asked. "I have food."
Nesta looked at the bag of pastries in my hand and her stomach grumbled. She snatched the bag out of my hands and disappeared into her apartment. I followed her inside and took it all in. It was more of a hovel than an apartment. Her clothes lay strewn across the floor, her bed was a thin mattress tucked into a corner with a barely clothed faerie standing next to it.
I averted my gaze, finding a spot on the wall behind me very interesting, giving the male some privacy as he got dressed. Pants still undone and a shirt in his hands he ran out the door and I closed it behind him.
Nesta had plunked herself on the floor leaning against the wall, she had already devoured a chocolate filled pastry and was starting on another. It was the cleanest part of the room, so I sat beside her and took one of the drinks out from my pocket placing it between us.
She took the drink and almost finished it in one gulp. I had heard from the others that Nesta chose this place for herself, that she didn't want to be a part of their family. To choose to live like this, to turn your back on your family, she must be going through something.
"How are you?" I asked. No response.
"Have you been safe? No more… incidents?" I asked. Still nothing.
I sat there with her for almost an hour. Neither of us spoke a word. When she had finished all my food and the drink, I gave her the other one and we sat there, staring into nothing, in silence.
She broke the silence, "Thank you."
"It's just food," I said.
"No, for that day."
"Anyone would have done the same," I said.
"No, they wouldn't. Others walked past before you and did nothing."
I placed my hand on hers, she flinched as if she would rip her hand away, but then she stilled. She turned her hand over and grabbed my wrist and pulled it towards her. She placed my hand on her breast and I tore my hand away.
"What are you doing?" I demanded.
"Isn't that what you want? Payment for saving me," she spat.
"No Nesta! I just want to make sure you're okay."
"I'm fine. You can leave now."
I gaped at her. There was nothing in her eyes. She still looked down her nose at me, but there were no emotions, no feelings in her face or eyes. She was hollow. I didn't move, I sat there with her for another hour, I felt like I was about to drift off when she broke the silence again.
"I would have let him do it."
I didn't respond, I wanted her to talk, only her.
"I would have let him rape me and I wouldn't have cared."
I looked at her face, there was still nothing there and I believed her.
"I don't care about anything."
"I saw you at the funeral. You cried. You must have cared about something then," I said.
"Flashes. I get flashes of anger and sadness, but then they fade away, into nothing," she whispered.
"Sometimes it's easier to feel nothing," I began, "there is such wrongness and evil in the world that we cut ourselves off. Sometimes we go through something so traumatic, that we have to shut everything out or it will break us."
I saw something flash in her eyes, a memory perhaps, that was keeping her in this state.
"The trouble with cutting ourselves off, is that we don't feel the bad, but we also don't feel the good. We become husks of ourselves, nothing excites us or motivates us, we just exist with no purpose."
She hugged her knees to her chest.
"Facing your demons, your memories, your emotions is the only way to help you move on. Whether you do it on your own, or you talk about it with others, it's up to you. You can do it bit by bit, or let it all wash over you, but the main thing is you don't have to do it alone."
I thought about the funeral, when she had cried, and the day in the alley where I saw the spark of anger in her eyes. She had the emotions, she just had to let herself feel them. I smiled to myself.
"You're more like your sisters than you think," I whispered.
She lifted her head and studied me for a moment before standing up and walking to her bed. She lay down and huddled herself in the sheets, and she took that first step, the hardest step. She didn't tell me what she was thinking, or what she was feeling, she just lay there and cried into her pillow.
I sat there and waited. Making sure she knew that she wasn't alone. I didn't move until she had cried herself sleep. I stood and walked over to the bed, finding a discarded blanket on my way and placed it on top of her. I made sure the four locks on her door were fastened and I winnowed.
It was my first time winnowing without the feel of the bargain, but I managed to at least get out of the apartment, and then fell on my ass. It was dark in the street; the sun had gone down a while ago and the lights of Velaris didn't reach this corner of the city.
I managed to find my way out and headed in the direction of the house. By the time I got there, all the lights were out, and my stomach was grumbling uncontrollably. I snuck into the house as silently as I could and made a beeline for the kitchen. I didn't expect Nuala and Cerredwin to still be up, but there should be some fruit I could eat.
As I walked down the hallway, I noticed a light flickering from the door of the kitchen. Elain or Feyre must be getting a midnight snack. I stood in the doorway and it wasn't Feyre or Elain, but Rhysand. I hadn't spoken to him much, ever, I could sense that he was suspicious of me and he always kept an eye on me whenever I was in a room with him. I had also heard from Elain that he and Feyre had a big argument about her releasing me from part of the bargain.
I was about to leave when my stomach grumbled, and his eyes shot to mine. He was eating a bowl of pasta, he looked tired. I wondered if Azriel and Cassian were here as well. His eyebrow shot up in question.
"Sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt. I was just looking for a piece of fruit," I hurried over the words. "But I can come back later."
I turned to leave but he said, "There's more pasta if you're hungry." He waved a hand and a half empty container of pasta appeared with a bowl and fork.
I walked over and said, "Thank you."
"Have you not eaten?" he asked.
"Not since this morning. Time got away from me," I replied.
I poured some of the pasta into my bowl and ate. I tried not to look up as I felt his eyes on me. My stomach started to settle down thankfully.
"I never thanked you for what you did for Cassian," he said.
I just shrugged and kept eating.
"Feyre tells me you've been volunteering in the city."
I looked at him then, his violet eyes watching, "Yes, I've helped her out a few times and done some on my own."
"I suppose I should thank you for that too."
I wondered if he would thank me, or just talk about it and he let out a soft chuckle. It was only then I noticed his presence in my mind.
"Thank you," he said.
I dropped his gaze again and kept eating.
"So, you were with Nesta this afternoon," he said.
I nodded, was he trying to make conversation.
"And what if I am," he responded.
I stilled and looked back to him. "It's hard to have a conversation when the other person is rifling through your mind. You know what I'm going to say before I say it," I told him.
"Forgive me. I don't trust others easily, particularly those touched by the Cauldron."
I nodded, I hadn't heard the entire story, the wounds were still fresh in everyone's minds, and even the whispers didn't speak much of it, but I knew that there was a war and the cauldron had been used as a weapon against them.
"Are you back now?" I asked.
"No. I just came to check in," he said.
He probably just wanted to see Feyre, among other things. He laughed again.
"You're not wrong," he said.
"Are Azriel and Cassian here?"
"No, they're still at the camp."
I tried not to look disappointed. Then I remembered he was in my mind and I tried to think of anything but Azriel. I dared a glance at Rhysand. He knew. Whether he saw it in my mind, or Azriel told him, he knew.
His mouth twitched to the side and said, "Perhaps that's another thing I should thank you for. Azriel has been a lot happier lately, or as happy as Azriel can get."
Was that a joke? I was a stranger to him, made by the Cauldron and dumped on his doorstep, and yet he was trying. He was trying to make conversation with me, trying to joke with me.
We made small talk for a little while, how was the weather in Velaris, what organizations I was volunteering at, what the Illyrians are like. It wasn't much, but it was a start. Once I finished my bowl of pasta, I washed it and then Rhysand's and excused myself for bed.
The next morning at breakfast, Elain and Feyre told me they had found Nesta at their father's monument earlier. Another step. I smiled to myself, completed another day of volunteering and brought Nesta another bag of pastries.
Amren
I woke the next morning in excruciating pain, my leg felt like it had been stabbed. When I looked down though, there was nothing, my leg was fine, but I could still feel it. Azriel. I concentrated on that pain, on the bond that linked us, and I winnowed. The effort it took to get wherever he was, was exhausting.
I appeared in a room that looked like it had been carved out of earth. Torchlights flickered along the walls, the only illumination and there was a long rectangular table in the centre with eight seats around it.
My eyes snapped to a flicker of movement from the corner of my eye. Azriel knelt on the floor with a spear through his leg and two Illyrians were circling him. They hadn't noticed me, and I could surprise them, but I couldn't stop the snarl that tore out of my throat and filled the room.
The three of them looked at me, but my eyes were only on Azriel. I must have looked pretty stupid, I was only wearing my pyjama bottoms after all, and the two Illyrians snickered at me. One of them pushed the spear further into Azriels leg while the other walked towards me.
The ground began to shake, the torchlights were falling off the walls, the table and chairs shook. I focused on the earth around Azriel and with a flick of my hands three stone pillars erupted and encased him. The Illyrian coming towards me grabbed a pouch hanging at his side and before I could throw all of my power at those ass holes, he threw it at me and it exploded showering me in blue powder.
The shaking stopped. My power was gone. I was now helpless before the male and the earth encasing Azriel began to crumble. He snickered again. I didn't let myself think about it though, these may be trained warriors and I may not have any powers and Azriel may not have been able to defeat them, but I could. Maybe.
The Illyrian reached for me, but I ducked out of the way and aimed for the soft spot. He blocked my leg before it made contact with his crotch, he did not seem pleased. He grabbed my leg with both hands and threw me across the room.
I collided with the table and chairs, now realising it had plates and cutlery on it as they dug into my skin. I didn't think about the pain, I needed to figure out a way to help Azriel and then escape. I looked around at what lay before me, cutlery, knives, they may not be much, but it was something.
I grabbed a knife in each hand and faced the male. I was flexible, I didn't know how that would help, but maybe I could dodge their attacks, if I was fast enough. I tightened my grip on the knives and ran for the warrior.
I aimed one knife at his face, but he caught my wrist, I aimed the other one at his leg, but he caught that too. He raised his arms so that I was now dangling in the air by my wrists. I swung back and with the momentum I kicked the male in the face. One point to flexibility. He staggered back and let go of my wrists.
I didn't pause, as soon as my feet touched the ground I was moving. I plunged a knife into his thigh, and he cried out. I aimed the other one for his throat, but he was ready, both hands reaching for me. I twisted the knife in his thigh, and he winced giving me an opening. The knife slid into his throat like butter.
His eyes widened and I tore through his neck. His blood sprayed over me and he fell to the floor. The other one was gaping at me, and Azriel didn't hesitate. He broke through one of the stone pillars and had the other Illyrian pinned in a second with a knife against his throat.
I looked down at my blood-soaked hands, my blood-soaked body. I had just killed someone. My hands were shaking, but a moan from Azriel snapped me out of my daze. The Illyrian he had pinned was now unconscious, or dead, and I rushed over to him.
"What can I do?" I asked him.
He was losing a lot of blood; the spear had gone straight through his right thigh.
"I can't take it out, I'll lose too much blood," he said.
He grabbed the spear just above where it penetrated his skin and brought his knife down upon it. It cut straight through the wood so now only a hands width of the spear was poking out. He moaned again and I grabbed his shoulder looking into his eyes.
"I need you to do the same on the other side," he told me.
I gaped at him, but he was right, there was no way he could reach the spear head poking out from the back of his thigh. He handed me his blade and turned onto his side. I felt the blood drain from my face, my hands were shaking even more now.
I held the spear tip in my hand, holding it still, the blood was warm on my hand. I closed my eyes and took a breath, I had to do this, for Azriel, I can cry about it later. I opened my eyes and my hands were still. I raised the knife and slowly brought it down mapping out my route, I didn't want to cut into Azriel, or myself.
I did it again and then put all my force into it, the blade sliced through the wood, like butter. Azriel didn't miss a beat. He was taking off his shirt, his muscled torso glistening with sweat and ripping it into strips of fabric. He then wrapped the strips around the wood and his thigh, both stopping the bleeding and keeping the spear in place.
"We need to get out of here," he said.
"How?" I asked, handing him back his blade.
"Can you feel any of your powers?"
There was a rumble in my veins, but I could feel no power, "No. You?"
"No."
He tried to stand, and I grabbed his arm and put it around my shoulders. He pointed to a doorway carved into the rock and we walked. His body was far more exceptional than I had imagined, his muscles rippled beneath his skin, so firm. His bare torso against my own, I swallowed; this was not the time.
We were almost at the doorway when Azriel stilled. He cocked his head to listen. He pointed toward the table and began hobbling over to it. He grabbed the table and flipped it onto its side then pulled me behind it.
"There are more coming," he began, "We won't be able to fight them off."
"Will they kill us?" I asked.
"They only wanted to capture me, that's why they used the faebane."
But now I was here, they hadn't planned on that and they would probably kill me before taking another prisoner, I was worthless to them. I stopped breathing.
"You can run. If you're fast and quiet, you can get out, and then when your powers return you can get help," he said.
I looked him in the eyes, then at the wood in his leg. There was no telling what else they would do to him if he stayed. If I left him behind. No, I wouldn't leave. I closed my eyes and concentrated on that rumble in my veins. The powder, faebane, had done its job well, but I could still feel my magic, I just had to use it.
"Cedar, you have to go. Now," he warned.
I ignored him. My heart was pounding, and my breath was fast, but I could feel it, feel my magic fighting free. Pain started to surface around my temples, and there was something dripping from my nose, blood.
"Cedar."
I could hear the other Illyrians now; they were running towards us. They cursed as they entered the room, seeing their fallen comrades. Azriel gripped my hand and I squeezed back. I could feel it, the spark of my magic I just needed to turn it into a flame. The ground began to rumble, and I let out a whimper.
"There!" one of them called.
The ground was quaking now, I was gaining control. I didn't know how far I could winnow, if it would even help, but I had to try. I felt my magic erupt through me, I opened my eyes and locked gazes with Devlon as he found us and then Azriel and I were gone.
I somehow made it to the house and when I looked around and saw that we were safe I crumpled to the ground. I heard voices shouting, hands prodding me, but I couldn't respond. My body was numb, and I could barely keep conscious. My eyes opened a crack and I saw Morrigan and Elain helping Azriel, and Amren and Feyre were tending to me. I smiled, coughed out a mouthful of blood and passed out.
I only remember flashes from that night. Azriel crawling towards me, Mor and Elain holding him back, Rhysand and Cassian appeared at some point, Madja arriving, being picked up and moved.
I felt pain as I opened my eyes. It was everywhere, some parts hurt more than others, but the pain was all over. I was in my bedroom, the sun was coming up, its' rays beginning to come into the room partially blocked by a small figure.
"You're an idiot," Amren said.
I groaned out in pain.
"Not only did you have a multitude of wounds on your body, your mind was a fractured mess after you willed your magic to life. And you willingly attacked someone, killed someone, even with your bargain. Once your magic was back, the bargain kicked in and nearly killed you."
That's what the pain was, I thought it felt familiar.
"Idiot," she said again, "and thank you. Cauldron knows what atrocities those Illyrians would have done."
"Devlon," I rasped. It was difficult to talk and painful.
"We know."
I tried to speak again, "Az—"
"Stop talking, he's fine."
"I killed someone," I whispered. The memory flashed in my mind, the knife slicing through his neck, the blood spraying me. It repeated over and over, stab, blood, stab, blood, shocked face, lifeless eyes, blood, stab, like butter, blood.
I couldn't breathe. I gasped for breath, clawing at my throat. I killed someone. My heart was racing, I killed him. My gift, my magic, was life, and I killed him. I did the opposite of what I was made for, I took a life. Death. I was a bringer of death. I smelled blood. Stab, blood, death.
Warm hands gripped my own and pulled them away from my throat. I still couldn't breathe.
"We just healed you," Amren spat.
I fought against her, but her hold was firm. I kicked and bucked on the bed and then the image in my mind changed. I was lying in bed with Azriel, tracing the scars on his hand as he watched me.
Azriel. He was stabbed. The image blurred and I now saw him with a spear through his leg, blood pooling around him. Blood, stab, blood, death.
"Cedar," I heard Amren whisper.
The image blurred again, and I was drinking with Morrigan. She was telling me a story about a drunk night out where she ended up sleeping next to the Sidra. The Sidra, I had walked along the Sidra drunk once and Azriel watched me from the shadows. Azriel, spear, blood, stab, death.
I heard a grunt. Now I was helping Elain in the garden, she was weeding, and I watched her pull out the plants. One was being particularly stubborn, and she plunged a garden fork into the soil. Stab, blood, death.
"What's happening?" someone asked.
"He's in shock," another voice.
"Help him!"
"I'm trying."
There was a flurry of voices then, but I still couldn't breathe. Stab, blood, death, stab, blood, death.
"Cedar! Cedar! Open your eyes!"
I couldn't, I didn't want to. Hands now pinned my legs down. It was too much. How could I kill someone? How could I have blood on my hands? I needed to breathe. A hand touched my face.
"Cedar. Look at me," it was Azriel, he was calling to me, but he sounded so far away. Spear, stab, blood. "Open your eyes Cedar, come back to us."
It was like wading through mud, but I tried, I was trying to get to him. The images flashed again, stab, blood, death, stab, blood, death, but I tore through them.
"Come back to me Cedar."
I leaned my face into his touch, and I could breathe again. I gulped down a big breath and opened my eyes. Azriel was there, his eyes bore into me, worry lined his normally calm face. What must I look like for him to make such a face?
"Got him," Amren said.
Then there was black.
It felt like I was back in the cauldron. I wasn't sleeping, at least it didn't feel like it. Everything was black and my body was numb, but I could breathe. I floated through that darkness for a while. Eventually there was a tug and a light shone in the black and I opened my eyes.
I was still in my bedroom and Amren was still standing by the window, but the sun had gone down and she looked tired. They had laid me down on my back and the pain in my shoulders made me wince. I pulled the covers off and swung my legs over the edge of the bed.
I sat there facing Amren and asked, "What happened?"
"You killed someone," she said.
I waited for the memory, for the images to flood my mind, but there was none. I knew I had killed him, knew how I did it, but I couldn't remember. I looked at Amren, she hadn't moved.
"You will always remember the first time, the first person. Every detail, for as long as you live."
"Why can't I?" talking was easier now.
"Your body still has to heal, once that is done, we will let you remember."
I nodded, I may not remember what I did, but I knew it, my stomach lurched, and I ran for the toilet. I couldn't remember the last time I ate and didn't know how long it had been since my last meal, but I threw up. Anything and everything that was still in my system was now in the toilet.
It was like that for days. I spent the entire time either in my bed or over the toilet, I didn't even bathe. I probably smelt disgusting, but Amren stayed with me the entire time. The others would sometimes check on me, Elain, Feyre, Nesta even came at one point.
I couldn't be bothered talking to them though, didn't have the energy to eat the meals that appeared next to my bed. I was depressed, and who wouldn't be after killing someone. I knew I was depressed, but I couldn't find my way out and they still refused to give my memories back.
Amren sat with me in the silence, never talking, never expecting anything from me. She was just there until one day I didn't throw up. I was still depressed, but the thought of what I did didn't make me want to vomit. Progress, I guessed.
"Can I remember now?" I asked Amren.
"It's not my decision," she said.
"Shouldn't it be my decision. They're my memories."
"Rhys put up the barriers, he's the only one who can bring them down."
"Where is he?"
"Away."
I was going to argue, but someone knocked on the door. It was Azriel, it was the first time I'd seen him since that first day in bed. He looked to be healed, no limp. He looked at Amren and then to me, I dropped his gaze and cuddled up in the blankets facing away from him. I felt him get on the bed.
I felt ashamed. Ashamed that I was depressed, that I couldn't smile at him, that I couldn't talk to him, that I couldn't get out of this depression. Then I remembered all the conversations I've had with the others.
With Elain and telling her to let herself feel her emotions, Nesta and facing her demons head on, Mor and how I was there to talk to if she needed anyone and Amren, even though she didn't say much, she had stayed with me this entire time. Letting me know that she was there if I needed anything but wasn't going to force me into talking or do anything I didn't want to.
I would get through this, I just needed time. Depression is something that will come and go, and something I will always have to work through, but I could work through it. And so, I took my first step. I looked over at Amren and I could see a smile tugging on her lips as I got out of the bed and headed for the bathroom. I filled the tub with water and took a hot bath.
When I emerged, Azriel was gone and Amren was perched on my bed.
"Thank you," I told her. She waved a dismissal hand. I could tell the sheets she now sat upon were new and a change of clothes lay next to my pillow. I went back into the bathroom and changed, and I felt hungry. It had been days, maybe weeks, since I last ate, but it was the middle of the night.
I headed back into the bedroom and went for the door. My hands paused on the handle and I said to Amren, "I'm hungry, will you be here when I get back?"
She nodded and I left for the kitchen. With every step my hunger grew, there was a light coming from the kitchen, the same I had seen however long ago it was. I entered the kitchen and there sat Rhysand. I didn't feel the fear or the weariness I normally did when I looked at him and so I walked in.
I went into the pantry and grabbed some fruit and a plate. I could feel his eyes on me the entire time and then sat them on the table in front of him.
I met his eyes and said, "Let me remember."
He didn't say anything, just appraised me, my body and my mind. My stomach growled and I balled my hands into fists to stop myself from devouring that fruit. He nodded and I felt the scrape of those phantom talons in my mind, and a wall fell. I closed my eyes and the images flooded in, stab, blood, death. My knees were about to give out and I grabbed the table for stability.
I let the scene play out and when it was done, I asked, "Did he have family?"
"His father died in the war, he had no one else," Rhysand said.
A tear fell from my eye and I grabbed my plate and headed for the door.
"If it makes a difference, if you hadn't killed him, one of us would have," he continued.
I paused at the door and nodded then headed for my room. Amren was still perched on the bed where I left her. I sat next to her and offered her some fruit, she refused, and I took a bite. It was just an apple, but it was the best thing I had ever tasted. I devoured it in seconds then turned to Amren.
"Can you tell me about your first?" I asked.
"I've had different firsts. I haven't killed anyone the way I am now, but I can tell you my firsts from the way I was before and the way I was before that," she said.
I sat there in silence as she recounted those first times. When she was finished, I thanked her and told her what I had done. Reliving that memory was painful, but necessary and the more I spoke of it, the easier it would be to deal with.
"Better?" she asked.
There was something about talking through everything, like a weight was lifted off my shoulders. I wasn't yet myself again, but I did feel better and so I nodded. I yawned then, I was tired, I had been in bed for days, but now I actually felt tired.
"Tomorrow, I will start teaching you," she said.
"Teach me what?" I asked.
"Ways to defend yourself."
"I'd like that," I told her. I pulled back the covers of my bed and slid in. "It's okay if you want to leave. I'm sure you have better things to do than babysit me."
She assessed me and then I felt her touch in my mind. Her touch was different to Rhysands, where his powers felt like talons scraping, Amren's felt like a bright flame, warm and dangerous. She gave an approving nod and left.
Rhysand
Another week passed and I was having daily sessions with Amren, teaching me how to shield my mind among other things. Feyre and Elain tended to walk on eggshells around me, but Amren didn't, she would treat me normally and I could not thank her enough for that. It was bad enough knowing I was still depressed, but to have the others treating me different because of it, made me feel worse.
It had taken that entire week, but I was starting to smile again. I started helping Elain in the garden and I would try to help her, Nuala and Cerridwen in the kitchen when I felt up to it. Wherever I went though, the knives would disappear. A small mercy I suppose, but I couldn't go on the rest of my life without using one.
We were currently making some sandwiches for lunch. Nuala and Cerridwen were preparing meats, while Elain was preparing a salad. The bread needed to be cut, but alas no knives and I knew with how they were treating me, they probably wouldn't let me have one.
I placed my hand on the tiled floor and used my powers to create my own knife. I formed the serrated blade out of black rock and earth and once it was done, I pulled it from the ground and washed it at the basin. The three of them stilled and watched as I went for the bread.
The memory flashed in my mind, but I did not let it show on my face and I cut into the bread. I heard the three of them let out a collective breath as I finished and then sent the blade back into the earth. A knife materialised into Nuala's hand and the memory flashed again, I made a couple sandwiches of my own then left for the garden.
The sun beat down on my face and it was glorious, it filled me with such warmth. I sat on one of the benches facing the city and began to eat. My stomach grumbled happily, I had lost a lot of weight when I was bed ridden and now both my mind and body was getting back to normal.
Feyre entered the garden and joined me on the bench. She picked at her own plate before talking.
"Not long ago, I was forced to kill two innocents," she began, "it was to free Prythian from a curse, an enemy. It broke me, killing them, I don't think I ever fully recovered. Sometimes I still have nightmares about the things I did, what I endured, and I wake up sweating or needing to throw up. Rhys is always there for me though, whatever I need and so are the others. I hope you know that even though you haven't been here long, we all feel the same towards you. Anything you need, we're here."
"Thank you," I said smiling at her.
Her face went distant for a moment and I could feel that bond between her and Rhysand spark to life. She smiled at something, whatever silent conversation she was having.
"What is that?" I asked when the bond died down.
"The Bond?"
"Maybe. I can sense it when you and Rhysand speak to one another, but it's different to how the two of you enter minds."
"It's called the Mating Bond," she said. "No one knows how it comes to be, but it's a sacred connection between fae. It connects us to each other; we can sense each other and talk to one another."
"Is it true love or something?" I asked.
"Sometimes. There are mated couples out there that don't get along or don't seem right for each other. It can be rejected though. There will always be that connection between the two fae, but they don't have to be together."
I looked away for a moment, blushing a little and asked, "What does it feel like?"
She let out a breath, "Azriel?"
My back straightened and my eyes went wide as I looked at Feyre. She had a small smile on her lips.
"There was once a time when Azriel couldn't keep his eyes off Mor, whenever they were in the same room, and then with Elain, he was very protective. But then when you arrived, his full attention was on you," she said.
I swallowed and looked away.
"At first I thought that he was being cautious and keeping an eye on you in case you attacked. We were all on guard for a while, but as the weeks went by and we began to trust you, he still couldn't keep his eyes off you."
I let out a sigh and said, "I can feel something between us. It's like I always know where he is and I can feel him, when he was stabbed, I felt it like it was happening to me."
"It sounds similar, but if it was the Mating Bond, you would know."
"Can you tell me about you and Rhysand? I know some details, but I would really like to know your story."
"It's a long one," she sighed.
"Please," I replied.
"You're very easy to talk to Cedar, where to begin?"
We spent the rest of the day in the garden, Feyre telling me her story. There were bits she left out, I could tell, but she told me everything she felt comfortable with. Her life as a human, staying with Tamlin, under the mountain, the war. Elain came out and joined us at one point, bringing refreshments and chiming in with Feyre when she could.
We had missed dinner when she finished, Feyre deciding to go to bed and I decided to look for some leftovers. These late-night visits to the kitchen were becoming a common occurrence. I entered the dark kitchen and created a ball of light, something else Amren had taught me. We had missed our lesson today, maybe she was busy, or she didn't want to interrupt Feyre and I, either way I knew tomorrows session would be twice as hard to make up for it.
Rhysand wasn't there. It seemed that whenever I came to the kitchen at night, he would be here as well, but not tonight. I wasn't sure if that was a good thing or not. Most of the time we sat in silence, but sometimes we tried to talk. I had learnt a lot about him today from Feyre, and I now saw him in a different light. I left out an extra plate just in case.
As if I summoned him, he appeared in the kitchen doorway. He seemed tired and looking at him I walked over to a pantry and grabbed a bottle of wine that Cassian tried to hide. Rhysand chuckled and came to sit at the kitchen table.
"What's on the menu tonight?" he asked.
"Duck," I began, "and whatever this is."
"You're shielding," he said.
I was looking for some glasses and replied, "Amren is teaching me."
He chuckled again. I had never spoken to him like this, I was probably still too depressed to care how I spoke to him. I found some glasses and walked back to the table. He was looking at my light.
"It's not strong, but it does the job. Amren taught me that as well," I said.
He waved his hand at my head and asked, "May I?"
I poured myself some wine, took a swig and braced myself before saying, "You've never asked before."
Another chuckle and he was in my mind, the sharp talons scraped along the walls I had erected. They were walls of rock and earth, smooth in some places, jagged in others.
"Good," he said.
I let out a breath and filled the two glasses with wine and then piled some duck onto the empty plate I had left for him. I saw one of his brows shoot up in question.
"It's become rather common that whenever I come to the kitchens at night, you're here as well," I said.
Another chuckle. He played with the duck on his plate while I dug in. Even cold the duck tasted amazing, Nuala and Cerridwen were experts at many things I had learned.
"So," Rhysand began, "When is it my turn?"
"What do you mean?" I replied.
"You've done a number on my family. They all seem happy, or happier since you came along. Feyre, Elain, Morrigan, Cassian, Nesta, Azriel, you have healed them all in some way or another. Even Amren seems nicer," he said.
"All I did was talk to them."
"So when are you going to fix me?" he asked.
"You're a High Lord, is there even anything to fix?"
He chuckled, "Touché, I am quite impressive."
I couldn't help myself but talk, "You're cocky and arrogant Rhys, but you're also important."
Both brows shot up this time as I continued, "Feyre told me some things today, and some of the stuff you've done. Her, Azriel, Cassian, Morrigan and even Amren, would all be dead by now if it weren't for you, the entire world would be gone if it weren't for you.
You sacrifice yourself again and again to help your family, to help the world and ask nothing in return. How long can you keep going like that though? You've already died once.
It is noble to sacrifice yourself, but it is not something to be afraid of. Pain and sacrifice, they help people become stronger, become better versions of themselves. And like you said, you are quite impressive already, so let your family sacrifice themselves for you.
Let your family become stronger, become better versions of themselves. Stop trying to constantly protect them and let them live."
"Here I was thinking there was nothing to fix," he said and downed his wine.
We chatted for a bit as we ate and drank, I asked him questions about some of the things Feyre had told me earlier and he kept trying to break into my mind. Once he put some actual effort in, my walls crumbled, and I left them down in case he wanted to peruse my mind. When the food was gone and the wine empty, we parted ways. Rhysand going back to the Illyrian camp and me to my bedroom.
Azriel
Everyone had left the house for the day, even Nuala and Cerridwen, there was a celebration coming up and everyone was preparing. Rhysand, Cassian and Azriel had all come back for the festivities but would have to go back to the Illyrian camps once it was over. I had opted to stay at the house, it was nice to have the entire place to myself, it was nice to have them trust me with it.
I had hoped when I fell asleep last night, that maybe I wouldn't spend the entire day alone and that a certain someone might show up and when I awoke, I immediately felt his presence. He was hiding in the shadows watching me, I made a point to ignore him, to not look in the direction where I could sense him, I could have some fun with this.
I sat up in the bed letting the blankets fall on my lap and stretched out my muscles, tensing each one for him to see. My body had almost fully recovered from all those days without eating, I had become skinnier, but even so my muscles had not shrunk, instead my skin had just tightened around them. How my body stayed in such good shape without me trying, was another question I couldn't answer.
I pulled back the covers and got out of the bed facing my back towards Azriel as I again stretched out my muscles. The pain in my shoulders flared slightly, but I didn't let it show. I began to walk towards the bathroom and as I entered the doorway, I let my pants drop to the floor, giving him a full view.
I could feel a thumping between us, in that bond that connected us, a heartbeat. It was slightly faster than a normal beat, excited, and I turned my head slightly trying to hear if he would make a move. He didn't. So I walked towards the tub and began filling it with water.
I was surprised when I felt his presence enter the room and settle in the ceiling corner above the door. Surprised and excited. My own heartbeat began to quicken. I bathed in front of him, making sure to stand and thoroughly clean certain parts of my body, but still he made no move.
I felt his eyes on me the entire time, felt his heart racing through our bond. I knew he wanted me, I wanted him as well, maybe he was too shy to make the first move. Or maybe the others didn't trust me to be here on my own. Had they sent him to spy on me?
I decided to give it one last attempt. Once I was done in the bath, I didn't bother with a towel and decided to air dry. I waited for ten minutes, walking around the bathroom and the bedroom, making my bed, cleaning the tub until I was finally dry. Still nothing. I let out a sigh and put on some pants and a button up shirt that I kept open and left for the kitchen.
He followed me in the shadows, keeping pace with me. His heartbeat went back to normal and so did mine. I entered the kitchen and went straight for the pantry rummaging around for some fruit. I grabbed two apples and a banana and sat at the kitchen table. He still hadn't come out of the shadows, just silently watching. I had had enough.
I bit into one apple and tossed the other over my shoulder to where I knew he was watching. The apple did not hit the floor. I heard his footsteps a few moments later and he walked to the other side of the counter and sat down. His eyes locked on mine and then travelled down my body.
"How long?" he asked.
I took another bite into the apple and smiled, "Since I woke up."
His jaw clenched and he swallowed. "All that time?"
"Did you enjoy the show?" I asked tilting my head.
He took a bite out of the apple and for a moment I wished that I was the apple. To feel his lips, his tongue, his teeth, to be inside him. When did I become so horny?
"What show?" he teased.
"You didn't like watching me bathe?" I began, "Next time I'll be even more thorough."
He swallowed again and his eyes again travelled over my body.
"So, does Rhysand not trust me to be in his house alone or are you here for another reason?" I asked.
"I just wanted to check on you," he said.
"Spying on me in the bath isn't exactly checking up on me," I said. "It's more like checking me out."
He chuckled, "How can I not, when you put on such a show?"
"And what now?" I asked and took another bite of my apple.
He watched my mouth as I took the bite, was he thinking the same thing I was? He still didn't make a move. I placed my other hand on the table and swept it across the stone in front of me, letting my power seep into it. A thin layer of the stone had vanished and when I removed my hand from the table, a six-sided dice sat on the table.
"Care for a game?"
One of Azriels brows shot up and asked, "Of what?"
"Mor has taught me so many fun games, how about Truth or Dare?"
He smiled and laughed, "Very well."
Mor showed me how to play one drunken night, if you roll the dice and it lands on an even number it means truth and one of the other players can ask you a question that you must answer truthfully, and if it landed on an odd number it means dare and another player can dare you to do something.
Some players will even spell the dice so that no one can refuse the truth or the dare without punishment. I waved my hand over the dice spelling it. Azriel's smile broadened. I picked up the dice and let it tip onto the table. 2.
I watched his mouth as Azriel asked, "What are you thinking about right now?"
"I'm thinking about what your lips feel like."
He bit his bottom lip and I stifled a shudder. He picked up the dice and threw it. 5.
I let my gaze travel over his body, as he had to me earlier and said, "Considering everything you saw earlier, I think it's only fair you at least take off your shirt."
He smiled again and his wings flared. Slowly, so slowly, he unbuttoned his shirt. I watched every movement his fingers made, until he finished the last button and peeled off his shirt.
He was as glorious as I remembered, if there was perfection in this world, he would be it.
I took it all in, his chest, his abdominals, his biceps. His body was a weapon trained over centuries to perfection. The things he could do with it, the things he could do to me. My eyes trailed back down his torso to a small patch of hair that descended into the top of his pants and I swallowed.
I picked up the dice and rolled. 3.
Without hesitation he said, "Take off your shirt."
"So demanding," I replied and took it off.
My body was nothing compared to his, I was athletic, but nowhere near as defined as Azriel. I hadn't had the centuries of training that made his body look like that. Even so, he couldn't take his eyes away as I took off the shirt.
Without looking, he grabbed the dice and rolled. 4.
I reached across the table and placed my hand on his and traced the scars with my fingers. I had always wanted to know how he received them. Was it in battle? An accident? Or something worse?
I looked up and saw him watching me, he knew what I wanted to ask and his entire body stilled. I could see the apprehension in his face, a memory he did not like to dwell on.
I smiled and asked, "What are you thinking right now?"
His body relaxed and he let out a small breath as he said, "I'm thinking about what you taste like."
A shudder ran through my body. I felt my nipples harden and a tightness in my pants. I readjusted myself on the seat, never stopping touching his hand and rolled the dice. 1.
"I dare you to kiss me," he said.
I couldn't help but smile. I leaned over the table and held his hand in mine as I brought it to my lips and kissed it.
"That's not what I meant," he snarled playfully.
Keeping my hand in his, I slid off my chair and circled the table. I stepped in between his legs and pressed against him. I grazed the backs of my fingers against his cheek and then placed my hand on the back of his head as I leaned in. His eyes bore into mine and I paused with my lips a hairs breadth away from his.
I stayed there for a moment, sharing his breath, breathing in his scent and then I closed my eyes and kissed him. It was just a peck, just a brush of my lips against his, but that was all it took. My body became hot, flame incarnate, spreading from my lips throughout my entire body.
I squeezed his hand and he tightened his grip on mine in response. I pulled back, needing to catch my breath. Azriel was staring at me in amazement, he too was at a loss of breath. I needed more.
I kissed him again, but not just a peck this time, a proper kiss. His free hand wrapped around my lower back and pulled me closer as I wrapped my fingers in his hair. The fire spread through my body again, I could barely breathe but I didn't care, all I wanted was Azriel, every inch of him, I wanted it.
I felt his tongue on my lips and I opened my mouth for him. Our tongues danced with each other to a song we somehow already knew. Every move I made he was there already anticipating it and then I was there predicting his own. I had never tasted something so delicious, I was in pure bliss, but then he pulled away.
He rested his brow on mine as we caught our breath, I looked over at the dice still on the table and rolled it. I didn't care it wasn't my turn and I already knew what the number was going to be so I didn't bother looking. I may have spelled the dice earlier. 6.
I leaned down to his ear, not waiting for a question and whispered, "I'm thinking, that I want you to fuck me."
His lips found mine again and he kissed me, more aggressively than earlier, he let go of my hand and grabbed my backside with both of his pulling me closer. I slipped my hand around his neck and left the other one tangling in his hair, I didn't want this kiss to end.
I felt his power surge and his shadows enveloped me, there was nothing but darkness for a moment and then light as we appeared in my bedroom. His power surged again, and a barrier encompassed the room. He pulled away and looked down at me.
I placed my hands on his chest and watched as it rose and fell. He removed one of his hands from my behind and brought it to my face, with my chin between his thumb and forefinger he raised my head to look at him.
"I've never been with a male before," he said.
I smiled and said, "Neither have I."
I took his hand in mine and led him to the side of the bed, I kissed him and gently pushed him down.
"Get comfortable," I said.
He smiled and laid down on the bed, propping himself up on his elbows so that his wings flared out behind him. I swallowed. I didn't know where to begin, every inch of him was glorious, but I didn't want his shoes on my bed.
I knelt one knee on the bed and began untying one of his shoes, then removed it and threw it across the room. He chuckled. I removed his sock and then traced a finger up the centre of his foot, he shivered and laughed but did not pull away. I did the same on the next foot and then climbed on top of him.
We kissed for a long time and then I pulled away and kissed his neck, his chest and then his nipples. His back arched as I sucked on his nipple, licked it, bit it. I rubbed the other one with my hand, pinching it and then swapped sides.
I moved down to his stomach and traced the outlines of his abdominals with my tongue. I slowly made my way down to the top of his pants and slid my tongue underneath the fabric teasing him.
His body shuddered and his hands found their way under my armpits. He sat up and pulled me to him, our mouths were a blur of lips, tongues and teeth. He sent his shadows down my spine sending a shiver through my body and I pulled away.
I placed a finger on his lips and said, "Let me make you happy."
"I already am happy," he replied biting my finger.
"Then let me make you happier."
I didn't know bliss until that night. I did my best to please Azriel and when I was done, the things he did to me. The things we did to each other. I blushed just thinking about them, he was still asleep, and I was tracing patterns on his chest as it rose and fell. I wanted to stay like this forever, but the sun was up and I was sure someone would need him.
I stopped tracing and he said, "Why'd you stop?"
"How long have you been awake?" I asked.
"Since before you."
I smacked him on his chest, and he grinned. "We should get dressed. I'm sure someone will be needing your help."
"Why?"
"Someone always needs your help. And you never say no."
"Not today. I have the day off. We all do, it's Winter Solstice."
"Right and what exactly does that mean again?"
He propped onto one of his elbows and started tracing symbols along my stomach as he said, "We celebrate the change in season. There will be a big party, food, wine, presents."
"Presents? Was I supposed to get everyone presents?" I started to freak out.
"Don't worry, it's your first Solstice I'm sure you will be forgiven if you don't get us presents. Well Mor and Amren might not forgive you but the rest of us will."
"Did you get me a present?"
"Yes."
"Did the others get me a present?"
"Yes, but I'm sure it'll be—"
I swung my legs over the bed and began to get dressed. "I have to go to town and buy things."
"Everything is closed Cedar."
"What?"
"Come back to bed," he said patting the mattress.
I didn't know what to do, but I wasn't getting back into bed. I walked to the bathroom and drew myself a bath. I needed to think and figure out how to get everyone presents.
"Can I join you?" Azriel asked.
"Only if you help me figure out what to get everyone."
He walked up behind me and wrapped his arms around me, "What if we do something else?"
"Az."
"You could make everyone a bouquet of flowers."
"That's boring and they'll just die anyway."
"How about doing what you did for Cassian. Create everyone out of dirt and make them dance."
"Yes I'm sure Amren would enjoy having a replica of her made of dirt. But that does give me an idea."
"What?"
"It's a surprise, now what else did you want to do?" I asked.
Cedar
I arrived at the party late, the gift I made for everyone took a lot of energy out of me and I needed to rest for a bit. Everyone was at the house, except for Nuala and Cerridwen, they had gone home for the night. Mor spotted me as soon as I entered the dining room and dragged me to the wine bottles.
Once I had a drink in my hand Cassian called out, "To the Solstice!" and everyone had a drink. Cassian, Rhysand and Azriel were all drinking at the back next to the window to the gardens, Feyre, Nesta and Elain sat on the couch exchanging presents and Amren sat in a chair observing us all.
Mor egged me on until I had finally finished my first glass of wine and was starting on the next then went to sit by Amren. Azriel moved across the room to stand by me and I saw everyone take notice. Did they all know?
"Are you feeling better?" he asked.
"Still a bit tired but better," I replied.
"What were you doing all day? You were in the garden for hours."
"I was making that," I said pointing to a large badly wrapped gift hidden behind the chair Amren was on.
"Who's it for?"
"It's for everyone, a communal gift."
"Everyone!" Mor began, "Cedar has a gift for us!"
"Eaves dropper," Azriel whispered.
Everyone was looking at me now and I took a deep breath. I tapped into my powers and brought the gift towards me and placed it on the ground in front of me.
"200 says it's mud," Cassian whispered to Rhysand.
We all glared at him.
"200 says it's flowers," Nesta retorted and I laughed.
I clicked my fingers and the wrapping disappeared. Sitting in front of me was a replica of the house glistening in the light.
"I wanted to make something that would essentially last forever," I stammered, "And this is the city of Starlight, and nothing shines as bright as stars as—"
"Diamonds!" Amren said. She was out of her chair and inspecting the structure in a blink of an eye. If I had hollowed out the inside she could probably fit inside, she may have liked that.
I waved my hand and the house opened. "It's a dollhouse I guess, and everyone has their own sculpture."
Amren grabbed her own and walked back to her chair staring at it. Everyone was staring at the diamond replica at a loss for words.
"I think you may have just put us all to shame with our presents," Mor laughed and came to inspect the house. "Hey Cass, he got your ugly mug down pat."
She took his sculpture and tossed it across the room to him. I sucked in a breath, but Cassian caught it with ease.
"Damn it is good," Cassian said.
"It's beautiful," Azriel whispered in my ear. "But where's yours?"
"In my room. I didn't want to impose."
"It's a dollhouse, besides my doll will be lonely without yours."
The room seemed to go quiet as Azriel spoke and he bent down to look at his own sculpture. Elain, Mor and Feyre were all looking at me with grins on their faces while Cassian and Rhysand looked at me puzzled.
Mor broke the silence again, "So are you pregnant yet?" she asked Feyre.
"Not yet," she replied.
"Come on Rhys, what are you doing wrong? Are you giving her orgasms, you're supposed to give her orgasms it helps," Mor continued.
Rhys choked on his wine.
"Need me to give you some pointers," Cassian said patting his friend on the back.
"I can assure you my mate is well cared for," Rhysand said.
"Trust me I am," Feyre said.
Amren and Nesta flinched at that. Pregnant. The word rattled around in my brain and then something clicked into place. I grabbed Az's hand and dragged him into the bedroom.
"Are they?" I heard Cassian ask before closing the door.
I placed a barrier around the room so no one could hear and turned to Az. His face was going between looking concerned and excited.
"I know who I am!" I said.
He shook his head and asked, "What?"
"I know who I am and why I am here Azriel."
"What do you mean?"
"My powers are life Azriel. I can give life. I think that's what the Cauldron wants. For me to help Feyre conceive!"
Azriel's face had gone calm, thinking, "Cedar, it's one thing to create flowers and mould rock, but to create a child. No one can do that."
"Not create a child, but at least help."
"And even if this is what the Cauldron wants, why send you? Why couldn't it just do it itself?"
I looked down at my hands and watched the gold under my skin swim through my veins. Click. I ran into the bathroom and looked at myself in the mirror while Az stood in the shadows. I closed my eyes and focused my magic, I willed it to wrap around the liquid gold and move it all into my hand.
I opened my eyes and as the gold swam to my hand, I felt the glamour lift. My hair became a blue so dark it was almost black, my eyes turned a sparkling violet, my skin darkened into a golden tan, the bones in my face sharpened and narrowed and two glorious wings sprang from the pain in my shoulders. I paused to catch my breath and turned to Azriel. Our eyes met and I felt it, that bond between us, a thread that was now a vivid blaze. My mate.
His mouth opened slightly, and I walked to him.
I brushed my hand against his cheek and said, "I am so sorry."
He closed his eyes and took in my scent, "What do you have to be sorry for?"
His eyes snapped to mine as a tear ran down my cheek, "You have waited centuries to meet your mate, but I can't stay. I know why the Cauldron brought me here, I can see it now, with this," I looked at my hand, the gold swirling inside it, "down I know exactly what I have to do."
"Why can't you stay?"
"I'm a glimpse into the future, that's why Elain saw me. I'm not supposed to be here, not yet. But I will, one day and then we can be together."
He pulled me into him and kissed me. My wings flared and wrapped around us. My tears now mixing with his. I pulled away and cupped his face in my hands.
"I'm sorry. One day I will make you happy. One day I will be your mate. But not today."
I didn't bother wiping away his tears, or mine. This was brutal, to find my mate only to lose him. For Azriel to find his mate, finally, and lose him. A glimpse into the future, but a painful one.
I released his face and took him by the hand. My magic stopped holding the glamour in place and the gold once again swam through my body. The mating bond diminished into the thread that connected us, but now we knew what it was. I dropped the barrier on the room and headed for the door.
The others were now sitting around the table eating what looked like a delicious meal.
"Jeez Az, don't tell me I have to give you tips as well," Cassian boomed.
Mor elbowed him in the ribs. That's when they saw our faces. We were still crying, I don't think they had ever seen Azriel cry before. Feyre was on her feet and moving towards us.
"What's wrong?" she said, stopping in front of me.
The others had stood from their chairs and were watching ferociously. I smiled at her and looked at her stomach. I squeezed Azriel's hand and placed my other on Feyre's stomach.
"What are you—" she began.
"Tru—Trust him." Azriel stammered.
I let my power drain into Feyre, everything I had, my entire being. Feyre looked between Azriel and I confused but did not back away. Rhysand was now by her side watching.
I felt the glamour begin to lift and looked into Rhysand's eyes.
"Don't let this go to waste," I said smiling.
My now violet eyes a reflection of his own and recognition passed over his face. I looked back at Feyre and she was in disbelief.
"You?" she whispered.
"Don't call me Cedar," I smiled.
My heart ached for them, I wanted to stay, to be with my parents, my mate, my family. A brutal gift indeed. Curse that Cauldron. I peered across to the table, at my family. They were all broken in some way or another, but they were healing, slowly. They were my broken family and I would be with them soon. I felt Azriel fall to his knees, the Mating bond flaring between us. It was nearly done, I was nearly gone.
I squeezed his hand and looked back at him one last time. My mate.
"Beautiful."
There was something about this place, the Spring Court. The nature and the beauty, the life, the light, it spoke to me. More than any other court, even the Night Court. A funny contradiction, as my own powers were its opposite. Darkness. My mother had tried to get me to see the beauty in the darkness, but I never could. This was beauty, the Spring Court.
"What are you still doing here?" Tamlin asked.
"Just taking it all in," I replied.
"You can do that any other day; you should be home by now. Your parents hate me enough as it is, don't give them another reason."
"There's still so much work to be done here, and, and, I don't wanna go."
"You only turn 100 once, aren't you excited for your first century?"
"I've had 99 birthdays before this and I'm going to have a whole bunch more. I don't see why I have to make a big deal out of it."
"You are the prince of the Night Court, everyone will be going to celebrate your first century. The other courts will send their representatives, the High Lords and Ladies may even come. Maybe Helion will turn up. Even I am invited. You have to go."
"Fine."
"Good. Just try not to get caught again with Helion."
"It was just a kiss."
"No one else catches your eye?"
"Heaps of Fae do, I'm just not a slut. Not yet anyway."
"What about Azriel?"
"Why does everyone keep asking me that? Yes, I had a crush on him as a youngling but that doesn't mean I still do."
"Why are you so defensive?"
I felt a presence enter the grounds and Tamlin and I looked towards the gate. Azriel was walking towards us.
"Speak of the Devil," I said.
"Can you imagine how furious your mother would be if you didn't show up."
"She'd be fine, Morrigan would kill me though. She did all the planning."
"That would be fun to watch."
"I'm here to escort you," Azriel said. His shadows flowed off his body onto the ground, a different kind of darkness to my own. One that I actually admired. And the diamond sculptures that hung from his neck complimented the blackness perfectly.
"I told you I'd go with Tamlin."
"I called Azriel actually. You're right, there's a lot of work to do and I want to get it done before the party," Tamlin said stepping towards the house.
I stared at him mouth agape.
"Alright let's go then. You're winnowing though, I still can't get that far," I said to Azriel.
"That you can winnow at all is pretty impressive," he said.
"I'll be back tomorrow," I called to Tamlin.
"I already told you to have the week off. Stay at home and have some fun."
"I am ambassador to the Spring Court, my home is as much here as it is there. I'll be back tomorrow."
I took Azriel's hand in mine and waved to Tamlin. Azriel squeezed my hand and I looked at him. His eyes met mine and I couldn't help but wonder what was going through his mind. I had looked into his mind before, multiple times actually, but his walls were always able to keep me out. I wondered what I would have to do to break them, or for him to let me in. He smiled at me and I had to look away, I hoped he didn't see the blush on my cheeks, and we winnowed away.
