In the last days of Teresa's pregnancy Patrick became a light sleeper. If she so much as checked the time on her phone he was up.
"You ok?" He'd ask groggily.
"I'm fine." She would assure him. "Nothing's happening."
"Alright." He'd say and be asleep again almost instantly.
This happened multiple times a night for almost a week. Each night leading up to delivery they would kiss each other goodnight and then he'd get close to Teresa's pregnant belly and say "See you soon." to their little mystery child. Early on they had decided they wanted to be surprised. It took a while but eventually they had a girl's name and a boy's name picked out. A boy's name was settled on first with relative ease. Choosing a girl's name took a little longer because Teresa kept disliking Patrick's suggestions. Most of her objections sounded something like, "Too old sounding.", "Too weird.", "Is that even a name?" And of course, she couldn't seem to come up with options of her own that she liked either. Patrick was undeterred though. Her good natured opposition had never bothered him.
"We should name her for the stars." He had said one night as they were lying in the grass, their eyes sparkling with the vastness above them. They were holding hands, his thumb brushing softly back and forth across hers.
"If you say Twinkle, I'm gonna throw up."
Patrick burst out laughing. "What? No!"
"Ok, good."
"I was thinking something like Stella."
"Oh." She paused, considering it. "See, that's really nice."
He couldn't help but grin.
"And a middle name?"
"I hadn't gotten that far."
The night time sounds of insects, frogs and the occasional owl crowded into their momentary silence until Teresa spoke again.
"I like Stella." She stated simply.
Patrick waited for her to suddenly counter that statement. She didn't, and Stella was decided on.
So, over 24 hours after Patrick's last groggy "You ok?", as the rising sun turned their hospital room warm and golden, he sat with his brand new daughter in his arms. Stella, named for the stars that shown off the pond at night. Stella, the stuff of dreams. He sat in an awkward blue hospital chair, completely capitvated by her. It felt like he'd always known the curves of her tiny ears and the wrinkles of her fingers. It was hard to believe it had been barely a couple of hours since he'd met her.
Patrick didn't know how long he'd been like that when he finally looked up. Teresa was still asleep. That was good. She was exhausted. It had been a long labor, with Stella arriving at 4:17am that morning. She came out raging at full volume. His attention shifted back to his daughter, now warm, fed and sleeping soundly against his chest.
After the tumult of delivery, Patrick had leaned in close to his wife, gently pushed her hair behind her ears and held her hand.
"You did so great." He said softly in her ear. "It's a girl."
She just breathed and smiled, her eyes shining with tears of joy, pain and effort.
A nurse placed her daughter, all clean and bundled, in her arms for the very first time.
"Hi." she'd said with so much care. "Hi, Stella."
Then it was time to feed her. Stella took to it easily, but Patrick sensed Teresa's concern. He made sure to get the nurse's verbal confirmation that mom and baby had indeed gotten the hang of it quickly. He was relieved to see her relax at hearing her baby was nursing like a champ. After a lot of quiet staring at their newborn, exhausted smiles and gentle kisses, Teresa finally rested and Patrick took the baby. The sun peeked out from pale horizon just as he'd settled into the chair beside the bed.
When Stella opened her eyes, a smile lit up Patrick's whole face.
"Hello." He whispered to her. "Good morning."
From beneath a little pink beanie, her dark grey eyes stared up at nothing in particular. They seemed to search for his voice.
"You're so beautiful." He ran his index finger delicately along her cheek. "Thank you for coming."
A squeaky yawn was her reply.
Patrick chuckled softly. For a long time he gazed into his baby's eyes like they held the universe itself.
Stella made a little grunting noise and he knew he'd soon have to wake her mother.
"I bet you'll be hungry soon."
Her mouth made the shape of and O as her eyes continued to wander aimlessly.
Patrick couldn't look away. The world suddenly seemed to stop. The white noise of machines and the bustling hospital outside their door disappeared. All the sunlight in the room faded away. In that moment there was nothing except her. His daughter. Stella.
He lifted her closer to his face and heard himself say something he thought had died with his first daughter.
"You are safe, you are loved and you are wise."
It came out slowly, carefully and when the words had left him, he started to cry. He bent his head further, touching Stella's forehead to his. His eyes squeezed shut as his shoulders shook helplessly.
Teresa woke up, her head turning on the pillow, to see Patrick cradling their baby and crying openly. She had only ever seen him cry the time he finally told her the truth. And even then, he hadn't fully lost control.
"Jane." She called softly.
He looked up but didn't try to wipe his eyes or hide anything.
"Come here." She said kindly, patting the bed beside her.
He got up from his chair and sat on the edge of the bed. She pulled herself up and they leaned in towards each other. Gently she pulled his head down toward her shoulder and stroked his hair. With the baby in his left arm, he wrapped his right around her back. He kept crying quietly and she didn't try to stop him. Grief and happiness, hope and sadness all streamed down his cheeks. It didn't have to be eased or understood. It was so many things from so many years, all distilled into one overwhelming joy.
Stella started to fuss as her father's tears began to subside. Wordlessly, he straightened up and passed the little bundle to his wife. She took a few moments to get the baby nursing correctly. Patrick watched in silent awe, still sitting on the edge of the bed. His breathing evened out and when the baby was situated, Teresa reached for his hand. He took it and, his eyes still glistening, smiled at her. She smiled back and gave his hand a gentle squeeze.
"It's scary" She said quietly.
"And wonderful." He added, just as quietly.
Then she was smiling again. He leaned in and they kissed each other so gently. When they both sat back again, Patrick's hand came to rest lightly on the baby's head. Teresa reached out and spread her hand out over his cheek. He closed his eyes and leaned into her touch.
"Scary and wonderful." She said.
Eyes still closed, Patrick grinned.
. . .
Thanks for joining me for this edition of: GIVING MYSELF ALL THE FEELS! I hope you enjoyed. I sure enjoyed writing it! :D
Fun fact: I hadn't even considered that Simon Baker's daughter's name is Stella when I started this. Same with my one shot, "Shooting Stars". I just wanted Jane and Lisbon's daughter to be named for the stars. So Stella it was. :D
