Supremacy
Where in the kriff was Ahch-To? I had never once heard of it, but luckily Rey had projected the last piece of the map she had withheld from me into my mind when she told me. I knew how to get there at least. Wherever there was remained to be seen. The beast inside me raged at the threat to her, possessive and unrelenting. Mine. Mine! Mine! I tried to at least look composed, but I knew my arms were vibrating with violent intentions. The beast howled and thrashed against it's fleshy prison, How dare he, I'll kill him! Don't touch her! I won't let him. Not her. I took a deep, shaking breath trying to steel myself.
I'd been captivated since the moment we met, fascinated by her strength and unreasonable power. It was almost endearing, but mostly infuriating, how little she thought of herself. She didn't recognize her own potential. And she ran to him of all the unworthy people, to learn. She wanted to be a Jedi. Intolerable. Couldn't she feel the shadow within her? She could never be a Jedi. And constantly hindering her potential with that inability to focus on anything but the consuming need to know her parents. As if parents ever helped one reach their potential.
Yet, I knew, in that light part of me I tried to tamp down, that my brusque manner with her wouldn't help her to realize any of those things. I'd never forgotten that look in her eyes in the forest. It was seared into my memory. To her, I was a monster. She reminded me she thought so at every opportunity it seemed. But, she'd caught me at a weaker moment. I ruminated often on my choices, most particularly killing Han. I was already feeling raw when she suddenly appeared, the tell tale whooshing of air followed by a vacuum of silence, then right on into the hostilities and assumptions.
I was already hurting, and her ferocity cut me to the quick that day. To most, it was probably imperceptible, but I knew my carefully neutral expression had faltered, my affirmation of her barb was loaded with feelings I wished would go away. I never asked for any of this. I didn't dream of being evil as a child. I didn't relish this life filled with strife and pain. But I was doing what needed to be done. And what needed to be done required power. And power required sacrifice. I had to bear this pain, and I had to suffer, to accomplish these ends.
I strode with purpose, only just short of actually running. A benefit of my imposing stature was to close long distances quickly. Whenever I moved throughout the ship, my mask was generally so unnerving no one dared to make eye contact and gave a wide berth. Now, with the mask destroyed, I was pleased that my expression was still ominous enough to repel the underlings. The turbolift opened, revealing two stormtroopers and two officers talking amongst themselves. It was clear they were also headed down.
"Get. Out." I growled through clenched teeth.
One look at me and they scrambled from the lift without hesitation, their fear was palpable. I was growing more and more irritated by the time it took to get to the hanger in this monstrosity of a ship. The thought of her in danger made my stomach flip, I worked hard to ignore the anxiety and nausea. I touched the jagged skin, tracing along my cheek and over my jaw, a reminder of her power, a reminder of her I carried. Ever since that encounter where the salt water sprayed me as she left, something had changed between us. Maybe she saw me. I couldn't be sure. Her expression when she left was not her usual, she looked confused and...sad maybe. Had she believed I felt nothing when I killed him? Was discovering that I did, and that I agreed with her assessment of me, so shocking?
Before the doors completely opened, I'd already slid through and made a beeline for my Silencer. An officer moved as though he intended to question my actions, but one glance from me and he quickly thought otherwise, scurrying away like the rat he was. I burst out of the hanger and set in the coordinates, blessedly she wasn't too far and my craft had the capability to get to her expeditiously.
The thought of what Luke might do to her kept barging into my mind unwelcome, and an unsettling wave of queasiness came with the thought. I did all I could to push it out and focus on anything else.
Softness. That was a welcome distraction. The way she looked at me, it had changed. And I couldn't deny my delight somewhere inside. I didn't like the crying, I didn't like to see her hurt. But I felt immense relief at the change in her attitude toward me. She let me close to her, she let me show her comfort. I'd be lying if I said I didn't want it myself, there was always a degree of selfishness to my actions I supposed. Touching her and holding her were things I didn't dare dream of, but she welcomed it. Tentatively, but all the same. It was dizzying, I felt lightheaded and jittery at her touch, but yet, I felt a deep sense of calm too.
From the moment I touched her hand, I knew I had to be with her. I saw her with me. I'd raze the whole galaxy for it. I'd kill for her, die for her. But an important realization happened too. I couldn't be with her and be completely in the darkness. The light I fought within me, like the darkness she fought within her, was the bridge between us. There was something deeper to it, instinctually I felt it, like a magnet it was inescapable the way I was drawn to her. Though, unlike her, I wasn't interested in fighting that draw. I wanted her.
I knew I had to be careful, I had to give her time to come around and trust me. I'd have to win her over, and currently I was at a loss as to how to do that. As horribly impatient a person I was, I had to wait. She wouldn't be forced or rushed. I had to show her that I cared and nurture the connection between us. The thought of being vulnerable to her was truly terrifying, in a way I'd never experienced. This connection would give me the opportunities I needed, but I had to use them wisely. I felt I had at least done that well so far, if nothing else. She didn't violently hate me the way she had before. Everything else in my life could go to shit, but if I could just have her.
I had to have her.
The thought alone of feeling her in my arms gave me gooseflesh. I couldn't shake the thought of her lips, wondering how they would feel against mine. Perfection, I would imagine. Mine. The beast growled in my chest. Protect what's mine. It bellowed threateningly.
I would kill that despicable, incompetent man at long last and take her away. I would teach her myself, I would make her strong. I would nourish her, protect her, care for her, like no one had ever bothered to. The fools who'd left her behind. They didn't understand what they'd thrown away. She deserved so much better.
She deserved everything.
I'd never lie to her, I never had. I'd answer her questions, I'd give her anything. I wanted her to stop seeking people who didn't even want her. They weren't worth it, never were. I wished I could shield her from that disappointment, but she had to learn it and overcome it herself, I knew that. I'd find a way. Coping with your parents throwing you away like garbage was something I'd attempted for many years now, at least I could relate.
A terrifying realization had really taken seat within me. I wanted her to see me as I am, to understand my pain and suffering, but more than anything, I wanted her to accept me as a man who cared very deeply for her.
I felt a disturbance in the Force rippling through me. My body was rigid with anxiety. Ahch-To was in sight now, my apprehension and fear making me feel dizzy as I descended into the atmosphere. I reached out to feel what was there.
I could feel her Force signature thrumming with power, and it gave me a strange feeling of pride. She could hold her own, she was strong. That hole, had she defeated him? Killed him? No, I didn't think she was capable of such. She was still too firmly entrenched in the teachings of the light side, she'd avoid killing him at any cost. She needs me to do it for her. I'll bear the burden.
By the moonlight, I could see there was one large island ahead with small uninhabitable craigs around it, she was there. I'd seen this island in her mind long before she came to it. As I approached, the Falcon was visible on a ledge. There was space beside it, and though a bit begrudgingly, I landed beside it.
Cold. Yes, this was the place. I could smell the salt water, the wind whipped wildly. Though it was already raining, a larger storm was coming.
Suddenly, she rushed down the gangplank. Tears streamed down her cheeks, I was bombarded with her emotions. Grief, anguish, fear. Those were the strongest and easiest to identify. The intensity at which she felt them took my breath away for a moment.
I hadn't thought about what I'd do once I got to her. Luke was nowhere in sight, but my body went ahead as though on a mind of its own, closing the distance between us rapidly. As I got closer, she was trembling. Fear? Cold? She was drenched again, likely from fighting in the rain, my sweater probably wasn't dry yet from the last confrontation. I was overcome with relief, she was in one piece, she was safe.
As I came into arms reach, she looked up at me with this unbearably soft look filled with need. I couldn't explain what overtook me, the next things happened so quickly.
Her cheeks were in my palms, almost as though I had to feel for sure that she was real. She reached for me, her hand gripping at the fabric across my shoulder, and tilted her face further toward mine. My heart was already pounding noisely in my ears, but I was a man possessed. My hands dropped to her waist and pulled her in flush against me, then my lips came crashing down upon her waiting ones.
She reciprocated, I was reeling.
Her lips moved against mine in such passion, the Force hummed all around us in contentment, as though it were some sentient being. Had I ever felt whole before? Like some immeasurable chasm in my soul had been filled so completely. My heart beat wildly in my chest as I looked down on that mysterious being. A scavenger. Rey. Mine.
I could feel my cheeks were flushed, my mouth still hung dumbly agape in disbelief of what had transpired. The equal shock in her expression, and the furious red that burst across her face, made me wonder if she was so inexplicably compelled as I was. A bloom of doubt in the back of my mind, a lack of trust in others, whispered Does she regret it?
It felt like we stood there staring at each other for an inordinate amount of time, paying no heed to the rain soaking us further. Doubt and confusion swirled around us, was it just mine I was feeling? I couldn't tell. I began to worry she'd flee from me, and I hoped desperately that she wouldn't. But then, she suddenly lurched forward into my chest, burying her face in my dense tunic, and sobbed.
I was off guard a moment, then realized she had indeed been crying when I arrived, and she needed my comfort. She needs me. That beast cooed possessively.
I shuffled us forward under the canopy supplied by the Falcon, removing her from the rain and taking the dense, waterproof cloak from my shoulders and wrapping it around her tiny frame. She trembled still, so I undid my thick waist belt, opening up the damp, armored tunic to reveal the warm, dry underlayer. She shifted and curled into the now available warmth, I could feel the puff of her exhaling and the hot tears through my shirt. I held her closely and let her cry, resting a cheek on her head while the other hand gently worked through the mess of hair half undone.
After several minutes, the crying ebbed and her breathing became more even. Embarrassment? She was bothered that I'd seen her cry again? She meekly peeked a look at my face, her cheeks were red again, I didn't understand why. She wiggled around under the tunic and cloak, then thrust something out for me to appraise.
"Sorry I took it..."
Oh. My lightsaber. How did I forget that? I needed to regain my wits. I grasped it without remark, and fixed it to its normal position on my waist belt.
There was another important thing I had let slip since arriving.
"Where is Luke?" The disdain was surely evident in my voice, though I tried to sound neutral.
She choked, fresh tears leaping forward. "Goneā¦"
My face mashed in confusion. She didn't appear hurt, some bruises and scrapes, but nothing substantial. Did he leave?
"What do you mean?"
She tearfully, but pointedly, looked out to her left for a moment.
She took my hand, how I liked that, then began to lead me away.
As we walked, I used my other hand to clasp my tunic and waist belt, and removed the cloak entirely to drop on her shoulders. Her eyes were sullen, but she gave me an appreciative, if strained, smile in return. My hair was plastered to my neck and face at this point, but I didn't care.
We approached a demolished hut, I had suspected he might've destroyed her dwelling and led to her staying on the Falcon. We continued past it into a large field along a slope. There was evidence of battle here, burned and upturned earth, rocks scattered around with unnatural grooves or lobed in half. That's when I noticed the body.
She released my hand, staying rooted to the spot some several feet away as I got closer. There was no Force signature I could discern, and no breathing. The skin was grey and held no indication of life. He hadn't aged well. Bastard. He was definitely dead. But why hadn't his body disappeared? He didn't become one with the Force? Maybe he was damned. Good.
"I didn't mean to." She said, voice barely above a whisper.
Consciously, I couldn't see her intentionally killing him, though I might take more pleasure in that thought. To kill a hero of the Resistance? That would take a lot of darkness. Though hers could be stoked, it wasn't strong enough right now to have been capable of such.
"Don't cry over him. He doesn't deserve your tears." I'd meant to sound more gentle than hateful, but I couldn't hold back the venom when it came to him.
I was still too angry, even after all these years. She cried anyway, though I could tell she was trying to be quiet and fight back the sorrow. Why was I always causing her pain? Her connection to me thrust her into this danger, it was the reason he tried to kill her and she was suffering now because she had to defend herself. She didn't want to kill him. As much as I hated him, she didn't.
I sighed, turning back to her. The beginnings of light were trickling over the horizon and the rain had relented temporarily. I tilted her chin up to look into those woeful eyes, before shutting mine and leaning my forehead against hers. She sighed contentedly, resting her hands against my abdomen. The sunrise began to beat against our cheeks, the slight warmth was appealing.
I leaned away, "Rey."
She opened her eyes, gazing at me drowsily.
"Come back with me." I said calmly, but anxiety stewed in my gut.
"You know that I can't do that." Her eyes were imploring, but I could feel the dread and doubt rolling off her.
I scoffed. "You really think you can go back after killing the mighty hero, Luke Skywalker?" I replied sardonically.
She didn't like that at all, her righteous fury was back instantly. "It's not my fault he tried to kill me! I won't run away, they need me!"
I shook my head in frustration, "No, no, what they think they need is a Jedi. That which you most clearly are not, and never will be Rey, and you know it!" I tried hard to keep my cool, but her flinch told me my tone had escalated into biting.
"That's not true!" She yelled back angrily, but her tears gave her away.
I knew she knew I was right. Why couldn't she just face it?
"You're meant for so much more than this, and you know that too. I don't understand why you so stubbornly refuse your destiny. I saw it, you're meant to stand by me. I've told you before, you have to let the past die or you'll never be able to move forward. The Resistance is a lost cause, it's a waste of your time Rey." I managed to get that out in a level voice, though my irritation was still clear, I was sure.
"I'm such a fool. I can't believe I let you trick me." Anger. Betrayal. Pain. Disdain. Her emotions whipped through the bond between us, it felt like a slap to the face.
"I have never tricked you. Unlike others in your life, even yourself, I have always told you the truth. What, is your pride hurt by my honesty?" I replied in disbelief and hurt.
How could she accuse me of tricking her? As if my feelings for her could ever be artifice. How could she deny me like this? I felt her passion, how could she still rebuke me? That vein of darkness within her grew stronger every time I encountered her. I was so sure she'd come to me after I saw Luke. But no, not even indecision. She was entirely indignant that I'd even suggest it.
"Allow my honesty to hurt yours. You're arrogant and conceited, you care nothing for the feelings of others! I could never be prevailed upon to love such a cruel and selfish man." She mustered every bit of spite in her body, launching it at me as though a spearhead.
I tried to be angry, but all I felt was a deep and unsettling hurt. She ran me right through, it took my breath away and I wasn't sure I could even utter a response. I willed my face to be stone, but my lip still quivered slightly.
My voice finally came quiet and strained. "Forgive me for wasting so much of your time."
I promptly turned and headed back down the path to my ship, carrying yet another wound from that woman. One I was much less keen to. As I flew away, I tried to steel myself. Despite the pain, even with millions of light years between our hearts, I would come running for her. I didn't care how far. I'd come back for her, one day. One day. I saw it, she would be with me.
I knew now why my heart was never satisfied, it was always her.
I needed her.
