A/N: So my muse has been stronger for this story this week, and these chapters are shorter. Thus, here's chapter 3. Please review and let me know if this is even remotely good or interesting lol.
Ahch-To
I fumed for nearly a day after he'd left, angry for what he'd done and angry at myself. I hated that I wanted him. He was the worst. Why? How could I let that monster touch me, kiss me? All he cared about was power, he wanted me to drown in his darkness and use me as a tool in this war. I would not be his blade. That would not happen. Not ever.
But as one day passed into the next, my temper cooled. I knew he was right, begrudgingly. My anger and passion, the violence within me. It was not the makings of a Jedi, and that scared me.
I had committed myself to the Resistance, and to becoming someone who could help them in a meaningful way. But now, was I really any better off than I was before I came to this island? I only felt even more confused. I felt tainted. That cave had stirred something in me, and Ren stoked it further.
Was Luke right? Would I be some harbinger of destruction? No. No. That was not me. He was a bitter old man, who's failure had created the terror of the known galaxy. He was just afraid… right?
If I let my thoughts linger on the battle that resulted in his death, my breaths became sharp and difficult, my heartbeat a painful staccato rhythm. I'd go cold and feel dizzy, the distress bringing me to tears again. I didn't want to kill him, I hadn't meant to. I didn't even know I was capable of that. But, worse than anything, and the thought that drove me to panic, was that I enjoyed his cries of pain. I took sick delight in watching the life fade from his eyes.
I was terrified of myself, if I was honest.
Such was the reason I remained here in indecision. Part of me deeply feared facing Leia, knowing I killed her brother and all the faith she'd put in me right along with him. But the larger part of me feared what I would become.
In the midst of war, there was no way to hide from killing. How many lives would it take for the dark side to swallow me whole? How could I live with hurting someone who trusted me? Would I even care at that point? I trembled and tried furiously to banish the thoughts plaguing me.
Chewie had been upset, but he believed me. He said he once knew Luke so well, but he wasn't sure he did anymore when we came here, he knew something had changed in him. Thankfully, he had slept through Ren's brief appearance and was none the wiser about that encounter. I couldn't bring myself to tell him.
I wasn't sure what my next steps would be. It had been nearly a week, and I'd mostly been avoiding a decision. Chewie was patient, continuing to work on maintenance and repairs on the Falcon. Not the heat exchange yet, to my despair.
My sleep had been fitful and blighted by nightmares, so I avoided sleeping at times. I'd stay up late into the wee hours pouring over the Jedi texts I had taken from the temple. Some I couldn't read, in ancient runic languages I couldn't decipher, but I soaked in all I could.
Surely there was something within them that could help me. I couldn't resign myself to the fate that seemed imminent. There had to be a way to purge the darkness. A way to rid my mind of that image of a dark reflection staring back at me when I tried to sleep.
I wasn't aware that I'd fallen asleep, but something was slowly tugging at my awareness, pulling me back to consciousness. I tried to enjoy the brief, peaceful, warm moment before I opened my eyes. When had I climbed into bed? That scent wafted through my mind, earth, spice, citrus. Ah. I remembered, I had worn his sweater when I finally got too cold to be stubborn about it anymore. I felt the sleeve against my cheek.
But how was I so warm? The heat exchange wasn't repaired, I should feel a cold draft coming through. Then, I felt lips pressing gently to my forehead, and my eyes shot open in surprise.
"You." I seethed, lurching upward in the bunk.
His expression was level, no response to my tone. Annoying. I was further disgruntled to realize, I had fallen asleep at the desk and he had carried me to the bunk. He had pulled the blankets up over me, then had the nerve to kiss my head, as though he had any right to such an intimate gesture.
"Why are you still being kind to me?" The aggressiveness in my voice wasn't missed, he looked away with a huff, irritation mild but clear in his features.
"Must you continue to insult me with the accusation that my only motivations for kindness are deceit?"
I scoffed, refusing to dignify that with an answer. I would not be used.
"I care about you." He said bluntly, his eyes smoldering with more he didn't say.
It caused a strange reaction deep in my gut, one that I was too unsettled by and didn't want to analyze.
"Loathsome creature." I sneered.
He smirked, which infuriated me further.
"You don't mean that." He replied.
"Yes I do!" I growled in frustration, but his eyes were alight with amusement. He was teasing me. He was enjoying this? He was truly demented.
"Go away." I glared at him, sitting casually on the edge of the bunk.
"I can't control it anymore than you can. We're connected for a reason."
I rolled my eyes, tossing myself back down onto the pillow with a groan. I tried to burn a hole into the ceiling with my eyes, a futile endeavour to ignore his presence and hope he would disappear. Damn him. He was still staring at me!
"I will never join you." I spat, I wanted to make him angry. I didn't want someone like him pursuing me. Why couldn't a nice Resistance boy be obsessed with me instead?
"I disagree." He said calmly, still unaffected.
He was unbearable. I'd worked hard to find calm, but now the anger and passion were surging through me, a tempest of disgust and need. I hated him, how could my body be so blasphemous?
He smirked at me again, as though he knew my thoughts. I gave him another pointed glare, before tossing over to face away from him. Go away, go away, go away! I chanted in my mind, hoping I'd somehow find a way to will him gone. I heard him sigh, but he didn't move.
I must've dozed back off despite myself, but luckily he was gone when I awoke. I silently wished it would be a long while before he reappeared. At least I didn't have a nightmare. I needed that rest.
I'd been reading about combat forms, and I decided that would be a welcome reprieve to exhaust my body. Maybe that would help quiet my mind.
At first, it did. It felt good to swing the saber, hearing it sing as I struck out into the air. An ominous looking storm was rolling in fast, but I decided I didn't care and kept going. My movements were starting to slow from exhaustion, a sheen of sweat covering my exposed skin and dampening my robes.
The rain began, softly at first. I stood catching my breath, prepared to give in for the day and retreat to the Falcon, but a sudden, large strike of lightning in the field ahead sent me reeling. I felt the blood drain from my face and my limbs shook, I ran inside the Falcon with all I had left. I managed to stow away in my quarters before I collapsed completely, my body wracked with sobs, struggling to gasp in air.
Luke's face, distorted in pain, flashed in my mind. No, please I begged, though unsure to who.
"You're a murderer Rey. A dirty little hypocrite. You belong together, a monster for a monster." That dark doppelganger taunted me, her eyes cold and cruel despite her singsong voice. Mocking me like a child. She dragged a pointed nail down my cheek, I swore I could feel it slicing my skin as it traced from below my eye down across my jaw and neck. Like Ren's scar.
"You're wrong! You're not real!" I yelled back in defiance, but the sinking feeling in my heart betrayed me. I wasn't sure I believed that anymore. Maybe she had always been there, she was just awake now.
She kept on, saying cruel and profane things. I sobbed in frustration, my hands covering my ears in futile effort to stop the voice in my head, desperately trying to block out her words.
"Get out of my head! Stop it!" My despair was growing by the minute.
I wasn't asleep, there was no waking up from her this time. I couldn't escape. "I am you, you'll never escape me. You're just a child, lost and out of control. Afraid of who you are."
Painful things were trying to bubble into my consciousness, and I was fighting a losing battle against them.
"Rey? Rey!" That voice.
Blessed Maker, the spell was broken! He had rushed toward me, dropping to his knees, preparing to reach for me, but he didn't have to.
In shock and relief, I lunged upward, locking my arms around his neck. He didn't hesitate, powerful, muscled arms doubled around my waist securing me to him. Safe. Safe. I'm safe. She's gone. I focused on my breathing, bringing it even as possible, soaking up his forever heavenly warmth. He was like a furnace, my personal Jakku sun.
I couldn't bring myself to care that I was supposed to be angry with him. I was much too frightened to be alone. And a disquiet part of me knew, he's the only one who would understand.
He was silent, rocking back onto his heels and then onto his rear on the floor, pulling me along gently into his lap. I felt his worry and apprehension. One hand started to gently rub my back as I composed myself, still hiding my face from him. His patience with me was unnerving. I wish I felt so certain and confident in my future as he did.
Maybe she was right, maybe I couldn't escape the fate she laid at my feet. He was willing to bear all my hostilities, assured by the vision he'd seen. His faith was flattering. And well, if I was being honest, I was a selfish creature. I knew reaching to him for comfort in one moment, and rejecting him in the next was cruel. But I couldn't stop myself.
Was lack of self control an evil trait? My mind was numb and overloaded from...whatever the hell that was, and I just couldn't give a damn more at the moment.
I pulled back from his neck, sparing only a quick glance into his eyes, before tangling my hands in his damp hair and dipping forward to claim his lips. His posture went rigid beneath me, he was wary.
But it was fleeting, because the next moment he was gripping me tightly and consuming me like a starved man.
When we finally parted out of need for oxygen, I appraised my situation a little more fully, and my cheeks reddened. He'd clearly just showered, he was nearly nude, save only for a pair of silky black boxer briefs. I averted my eyes, but he didn't mind it at all, clearly.
"You say that I'm cruel, yet you kiss me like that." He chuckled once.
He sought out my eyes, brushing loose tendrils of hair from my face gently. The softness and understanding in them when they did meet mine made my heart flutter. When his large thumbs brushed over my cheeks, wiping away the tears, the fluttering spread to my stomach. I must be quite the mess, always crying around him. It made me feel very childish and I didn't like that.
"Talk to me. Who was in your head?" His concern was very serious as he searched my face, I could feel the anxiety just at the edges of my consciousness.
I didn't reply, unwilling to think about it. Instead, I burrowed my face into his neck again, hiding my face from his gaze. He sighed, but held me still. The Force around us became more calm, but the undercurrent of sorrow became more pronounced as the minutes passed.
"We engaged the Resistance today." He said solemnly.
I knew he felt me stiffen.
"I felt her. I had the shot lined up." His voice was tense, remorseful maybe.
"What happened?" I asked quietly. I wasn't sure he'd tell me. I wasn't sure I wanted to know.
"We went after them. They tried to get out of range so we'd be called back. I couldn't do it. The bridge was destroyed by my teammate. I felt Luke finally join the Force, but not her. She's alive, somehow."
I let out a breath I didn't realize I'd been holding. Had he ever confided in me before? Why was I pleased he did? His account sorely lacked detail, but then, we were still technically enemies. I supposed that was probably all I would get.
"I had just gotten out of the shower when I saw you appear crumpled, wailing on my bedroom floor." I felt his arms flex tighter, as if protective of me.
I wasn't sure I'd ever be able to comprehend this man. I was hateful to him, but his first instinct was still to protect me.
"Talk to me." He said again, calm but firm.
"A storm rolled in fast while I was training. There was a huge bolt of lightning and it… took me back to that night, back to what happened." I pulled away from his neck finally, bracing myself with a hand against his chest that I stared at as I recounted.
"I felt like… like I couldn't breathe, like my lungs were collapsing. I felt ice cold and I couldn't stop shaking. I've been haunted… stalked in all my dreams, by this… creature. A monster." My eyes darted to his for a moment to gauge his reaction, but I saw none, just him listening with rapt attention. "She looks like me...almost. But she's not human. Teeth like blades...fingers like claws...glowing yellow eyes. Wearing all black, like some hellbound reaper. And she says… such horrible things." I covered my face, rubbing at it with trembling hands, as though that would erase the memory.
His hands gripped at my waist just barely tighter, his eyebrows drawn together as he contemplated what I'd revealed.
"A panic attack. A visceral reaction to a trigger reminding you of the trauma you experienced when Luke tried to kill you." He explained, rather clinically.
"No. When I killed Luke." I muttered woefully, lightly resting my hands on his shoulders.
He looked at me with a puzzled expression, "He wanted to kill you, and you defended yourself, as you rightfully should. He died as a result, but that was his own fault for coming after you like that, don't blame yourself."
I swallowed hard, I didn't know how to make him understand. "It's like… I wasn't in control anymore. I never… I didn't want this."
I tried to fight back the emotions threatening to surface again, but Ren made an unusual face at my admission that gave me distraction.
"And you didn't choose it Rey, he did." He replied quietly, but with intense conviction.
I nodded, then finally moved to stand. He watched quietly. My eyes drifted to the text on my desk, those runes I couldn't read.
I turned back to look at him, my mouth opening in question, but he was gone.
Why did it bother me? I had to stop spinning in circles, he was my enemy. It was good he was gone. Less opportunity for him to corrupt me and confuse me more. But then, I was already horribly confused. He probably knew that.
What an entire mess. All my life, I had so intensely desired affection and belonging. Why did it have to be him that finally offered that to me? All those cheesy fairy tales on the Holonet made love sound so effortless and easy. Something that just happens to you, and works itself out.
I carefully undressed, folding my clothes neatly and placing them in the bureau, and with anticipation, indulged a guilty comfort. I grabbed the sweater from the bunk where I'd left it this morning. His sweater. And pulled it over my head. It fit almost like a dress, I liked the sensation of the cool dense fabric brushing against my nude body. My skin erupted in gooseflesh. I'd rather die than have him know that. But I enjoyed it all the same, taking a deep inhale of the shoulder.
I flung myself down on the bunk with a frustrated groan. Who's idea of a cruel joke was to bind me to my mortal enemy? And to top it off, make him strong and attractive? My traitorous body was really the worst. This would be the death of me, I just knew it. His touch was unlike anything I'd ever known. Something so tender in him, something I couldn't explain.
This sliver of him he let me see, juxtaposed to his chosen identity. How did one reconcile that? He wrought pain and destruction, yet offered me safety and comfort. He rushed into my broken moments, and filled the voids in me.
I laid there divided, just talking to myself. This week had been hell, but his voice shut out all the noise. I was so deeply and unshakably relieved when he appeared. I couldn't get him out of my system. I was shackled to this man by the Force. But why? Everything that had happened since we first met had surely pushed me in his direction. Was it fate? Was I really fighting against the inevitable?
But still, I had folded so quickly. I hated how weak that made me feel. I couldn't just give in, right? I wasn't sure of much at the moment.
It felt as though I'd closed my eyes for only a few seconds, and when I opened them, I was in a strange room. I was alarmed, naturally. This was not where I was seconds ago. Was it seconds? Was this a vision? Another odd Force connection?
I spun around, but the room, though huge, was completely void of life. A glossy, obsidian floor beneath my feet, and blood red tapestries covered the walls. An empty dais in the middle of the room.
How strange. It seemed like there were objects that should fill the space.
"You're wondering why you're here." A deep voice echoed through the chamber.
I spun around wildly again, but still no one. I sensed the dark presence around me, as though I were being enveloped in it.
"Who are you?" I asked, forcing a calm I didn't truly feel.
"Oh, I think you know." There was a sultry lilt to his voice that gave me pause.
I didn't like that. Instinctually, I wished Ren was there. But, as soon as the thought came, I cursed it away. I didn't need him, I was strong enough on my own. I didn't need to be saved.
That unsettling voice chuckled darkly.
"You're Snoke, aren't you?"
He hummed an affirmation.
"Aren't you going to ask me 'why?' with righteous indignation?" He sounded genuinely curious.
"No. There's no point in asking that of someone like you. You're just evil, and you enjoy manipulating and hurting others. You enjoy watching the galaxy suffer. I know all I need to know."
His answering chuckle was dry this time, he didn't sound amused. "I have the answer. To the question you still have."
I startled hard.
I was cautious, better to play dumb I figured.
"What question? I have many." I said, my tone still firm.
Suddenly, a violent push sent me flying face first into the floor. My face smacked against it, and though I reached up to wipe blood away, there was none to my surprise.
However, the light reflecting off the obsidian moved, and that grabbed my attention.
It was like the cave.
The surface was changed, like a fogged glass. Again, two shadows moved on the other side, but I couldn't make them out.
I couldn't resist, Ren was right, it was my greatest weakness.
"Show me." I breathed, fixated on those shadows.
But, as soon as it had come, it was gone. It was back to shiny obsidian again, much to my chagrin. I slammed my fist against the floor in frustration.
"I won't be toyed with by you!" I yelled, still looking for the voice I couldn't see.
"Come to me, child. I'll show you what you seek." It all turned to black, and my body jerked violently as though I was about to fall out of the bunk while asleep.
I was relieved, it was a dream, some strange trick my mind was playing on me. The room was so black, I could barely make out my hand. Was it this dark? I reached for a wall console to turn on a light, only to be met with cold, smooth durasteel. No console.
A panic slinked it's way down my spine. I was still in the sweater like when I must've fallen asleep, but these were not my sheets or blanket. They were too dark, and much too high quality. How the stars did I get here?! I sat up abruptly, crossing my arms in an act of self comfort at the vulnerability I felt.
I was entirely nude to the exception of an absurdly large garment, in a bed that was not mine, in a ship that was most definitely not the Falcon. I didn't even have shoes!
Then, dim light filtered over my shoulders onto the floor below me. I couldn't see much more, but I turned around to assess the change introduced to my environment. A shade had risen from a window, the dim light was coming from the stars and planets outside.
Then, I realized there was an outline of another human in the bed, tangled in the sheets.
"Rey?"
