A/N: Okay, so this took a little while because it's essentially tandem with a big chunk of chapter 7 in Rey's POV. So some events will be pretty brief in Kylo's perspective, but more detailed in Rey's (trying to avoid repetitiveness, and y'all have all seen TLJ let's be honest- you know what happened in the throne room).

WARNING: There will be some melodramatics, but no actual suicidal thoughts (it's all metaphorical). However, if that is a trigger for you, use caution.

If you like, here are my inspo songs for this chapter-

All The Same- Sick Puppies

Breaking Me- Topic, A7S

Spotlight- Marshmello, Lil Peep

Steadfast

I was at her mercy, her proclaimed enemy, her endless disappointment. Yet, she left me alive.

She left me.

I felt an uncomfortably sharp pang in my chest at the thought. I unclenched my jaw, pushing the sweaty hair back from my face.

It was midway through the night cycle, I was frustrated I couldn't sleep without dreaming of her. Reliving that pain over and over. I tried to find it in me to be angry, that would be easier. Why couldn't I just hate her?

Because you need her.

Those words resonated deep inside me.

I felt so confused and betrayed. She wanted to take my hand. My fist balled tightly. Why did she leave? She wanted to join me, why didn't she? To have this connection, to know her feelings, know her past and our future, but for it to still end that way. Why? I didn't know how to cope with all those convoluted emotions twisting and knotting inside me.

I grunted in irritation, burying my face in my hands as those unwelcome images were waiting there on the edge of my consciousness to assault me again.

Snoke taking her saber, sitting it beside him on his throne. Her desperate attempts to fight back, even taking my own saber. Her failure. Her face as he tortured her, her scream. Her pain and panic, a bright roar in the Force that overwhelmed all else- even the dark presence of Snoke.

He could break my soul, take my life away, beat me, hurt me, but not her .

His proud speech, unknowing it would be his last. His arrogance to presume I would strike her down. Instead, turning her saber and hacking him in two.

Fighting the guards. The way her spirit soared, her eyes gleamed with surprise and hope for just a moment before it began. How powerful she felt, how powerful I felt, battling together perfectly in tune, a glorious symphony of violence. Somehow, feeding and drawing on each other. I marveled at it with excitement and hunger.

Her back against mine, her hand gripping my thigh for balance. Being distracted, worrying for her. But she was strong. I was proud of her. The calmness, the overwhelming sense of purpose I felt for the first time in my life. I knew what needed to be done, finally.

And I knew how to do it.

Together.

I beseeched her, but instead she cried for the rebels. I could feel her conflict and her heartbreak. I asked her to join me, teetering a fine line of outright begging. She wanted it, she wanted what I was offering her. I could feel it. I could feel the thought as it worked through her mind, her hand reaching for mine, her anticipating the feel of the leather of my gloves.

I would exalt her, give her everything she'd ever wanted, everything she deserved and had been denied. But, against even her own mind, I only felt her pull my grandfather's saber from my other hand. I was confused and hurt, I wouldn't let her just take it.

Not another fight.

Please...

It broke.

When I woke she was gone, but instead Hux was there.

As if things weren't bad enough, I had to bear him on top of it.

The remainder of the Resistance was fleeing to the mineral planet, Crait. As the thought crossed my mind to decimate them, to ease the flurry of hurt, rejection, and self-loathing surging through my veins, I heard her voice as though she were standing right behind me.

"Please... let us go." Her voice was strangled and quiet, a brief concern she was injured skipped through my mind.

Then, it occurred to me that she was upset. As if she had any right.

She left me.

She made that choice.

Why didn't she stay? I wanted her to share my hurt.

She escaped while I was unconscious, but didn't take the opportunity to end me. I scoffed to myself. Another foolish sentimental decision. If I was truly her enemy, she'd made quite an error. I could destroy anything left that had ever meant anything at all to her.

But, I just couldn't grasp that rage I'd grown comfortable cloaking myself in. Her goodness made her deny me, my lack of it, and it left a scathing inadequacy in the pit of my stomach.

A coolness, a bone deep tiredness, washed over me.

I didn't respond to her. I ordered Hux to leave them to die, there were maybe a couple dozen of them left, it wasn't worth the effort. They were done. Just finish evacuating.

Normally rage spurred me on, swallowing everything around it as fuel for the fire until it was a wild inferno. But she was a sopping wet blanket, smothering the flames and leaving only pitiful embers in its place.

My Knights were on their way, and I was due to be announced as Supreme Leader to the entirety of the First Order come the day cycle. I had to pull it together and try to get some actual rest. I needed to look powerful and in control, no weakness.

There was nothing to be done about Rey right now, and I needed to get my mind on anything else.

Two months of excruciating silence had passed.

I hadn't worked up the courage to try to open the connection on purpose, and I was confused why it hadn't opened on its own after such frequent episodes before. I didn't believe Snoke, the moment I heard her voice in my mind as they fled to Crait. If this connection existed because of him and to serve his ends, it wouldn't continue after his death. My late Master had not been the omnipotent ruler I previously thought him to be.

As to my visions, I felt less confident that those weren't manipulated... But, I still felt Rey could come around. I had to trust my path, and it would be revealed. There had to be a reason I felt this way, a reason for all that had happened, right?

I'd been furiously scouring planets and plucking out dissidance after the announcement of the demise of Snoke and my taking the mantle. Trying to numb myself. I'd just arrived back on the Steadfast filthy and exhausted. I wasted no time making for my quarters, and was caught off guard entirely by what I found when my previously locked door slid open at my command.

It felt disarmingly domestic, never had I experienced such in my life.

There she was. It was acute pain and relief all at once, and I was frozen to the spot in the entryway. I'd wanted to see her, so much more than I would consciously admit.

She slept peacefully, I could see the steady rise and fall of her chest through her shoulders. She faced away from me; her brunette locks fanned out over my pillow, my thick duvet bunched under her arms.

I did eventually approach, but I remained silent and determined not to disturb her. I didn't know what to say anyway. It was best to just enjoy this quiet, stolen moment of peace. I could imagine she had fallen asleep faithfully waiting for me.

Reality was bitter on my tongue though, it burned in my chest. I drew in a trembling breath, but it didn't help.

I shook my head and sighed at my own foolishness, quietly beginning to shed my clothes as she continued to sleep unaware in my bed.

I chided myself for letting my feelings carry me away constantly. I'd opened myself to her, pleaded with her. And pleading was not in my nature. But I did for her. I saved her life, killed my Master for her, and offered her the chance to change the galaxy by my side. I had seen that future, seen her past, and it was… everything.

It was whole. It was real. I naively thought that I could take what I wanted. But there was no way to take that. Everything I'd ever been missing. A family, a belonging, a home.

Another day passed, filled with the neverending tedium of bickering among the Supreme Council.

The day cycle was unfortunately not yet over, and I retreated to my quarters to review several datapads built up while I was away that required my attention. With a frustrated huff, I dropped into my desk chair. I had hardly finished the third when I heard the room suddenly become devoid of sound, and eerie stillness and quietness I knew meant only one thing. The connection was opening.

I stood abruptly, searching for her, I knew she was here. As I glanced into the lounge area, there she was.

But she wasn't alone.

My blood felt hot at the realization, further burning to see her on her knees in someone's arms. Her face buried in their chest, hands clutching at the person's clothing.

For some odd reason, it was like trying to look through water, I couldn't see the person's face. But, what little I could make out led me to the conclusion it was a male holding her. And I did not like that.

She had to know I was here, why would she not look at me? Why wouldn't she disengage him?

"Who is that?" I asked disdainfully, trying not to let my jealousy show, but not succeeding.

Suddenly, her head whipped toward me, her eyes wide, fearful. She'd been crying again, I could see the wetness on her cheeks.

My brows drew together in confusion.

"What's wrong?" I questioned, despite her lack of answer to my last.

She'd been long since past fearing me. What was she afraid of? Me seeing her with him? Now I very intensely wanted to make out his face, infuriated that she was seeking someone else for comfort when she was distraught.

Her eyes squeezed shut tightly, and I felt the connection suddenly wobbling. She was disrupting it? Why?

"Rey, sto-" before I could even finish, she was gone in a blink of an eye.

A prickling cold sensation ripped through me from my stomach to the back of my skull.

Another rejection.

She'd never ended the connection before, I don't think she knew how before.

My mother.

I was sure she'd turned to her to try to complete her training. Dread pooled in my belly, had she told my mother about us? This was private. Only for us. Just how deep did her betrayal go?

I was determined to break through to her, I had an unreasonable need to show her I was there for her. That I was the right one, not whoever that strange man was. I knew her, I could give her everything. I knew about her darkness, I accepted her. He never could. None of those Resistance insects could. They were small, feeble minded, afraid. She could never thrive, never truly be herself or become all she could be with such limited people.

I tried over and over, but she'd completely blocked me out. I wasn't entirely sure how to trigger the connection, but I was reaching out with everything, and I could feel her. Somehow, I could feel my energy brush up against hers, but it was forcefully rebuked every time.

I growled in frustration. I wasn't going to give up.

My persistence was eventually rewarded. After several hours, I finally got through.

I felt the whooshing in my ears, her surprise as I appeared in a small, cramped room with sparse furnishings only feet from her. I felt her surprise melt into a murky puddle of anger, frustration, loneliness, and want.

The beast in me was pleased with that. She may have tried to turn elsewhere, and she might still be fighting against me, but deep down she wanted me.

"Why did you shut me out?" I demanded evenly.

"I don't want to see or talk to you." She replied coldly, her eyes sharp as blades.

I ignored it.

"Was it that dark woman again?"

That visage wouldn't leave her alone, tormented her. I was the only one who knew. She was quiet for a long moment.

"Why do you keep on insisting like this?" She muttered, refusing to meet my gaze.

"Because I know you. The real you. They don't." I replied fervently, closing the distance between us.

My index finger hooked under her chin, lifting her face toward mine. Her eyes finally met mine reluctantly, large and fearful again.

No, not so soon! I felt the connection starting to wane suddenly, and I hurried to continue before she was ripped away from me again.

"I see what's inside you. And I am the only one who would not fear what you are destined to become."

I saw her mouth open, but heard no reply, as she vanished.

It was too short, her guard was down and I felt on the verge of something intangible, but this damned connection had a mind of it's own.

I returned to my desk, slamming my fist angrily into it. But I deflated, slumping into the chair and leaning back, running a gloved hand through my hair with a sigh.

Almost a full day of silence passed, her wall was strong and unrelenting, and I had other matters to handle.

Among them, the arrival of a new prototype TIE/wi modified interceptor, or Whisper , I had ordered built at my specifications and would now push it's limits and record flight data for Sienar-Jaemus Fleet Systems. It had increased speed, range, and firepower. The brief bit of time I had to put it through its paces was promising, and I was eager to become more acquainted with it.

But the night cycle was finally upon us, and I ate dinner quietly in my quarters as I continued looking over an endless stack of datapads.

There was something...off. A strange feeling, almost like something was crawling under my skin. Something warped, putting everything off kilter.

I wrote it off ultimately as exhaustion catching up to me, hours of physical training, meetings, flight tests, and now consuming report after report. My brain must've been protesting for rest, that was the logical conclusion.

I showered, then pulled on some underwear and a shirt. I sat down on the edge of my bed and worked at my wet hair with a towel, when the connection suddenly decided to open again unbidden.

My heart raced, had she initiated it? She wanted to see me now?

I was filled with hope as my eyes scanned, looking for her. I was dropped into her surroundings again, the same cramped room as before. It was dark, but there was a light on in a small adjoining fresher.

She was there, almost nude, appraising herself in the mirror. I couldn't help the way my eyes raked over her body, nothing but underwear and her chest bindings interrupting the view. I felt the heat rise in my cheeks, and blood rush to my groin in response.

I approached her slowly.

Her tanned skin had a light sheen of sweat, her face flushed. Her lips parted in surprise as her gaze locked on me in the mirror.

Her response was unexpectedly violent, and distressed.

She spun around and screamed at me tearfully, "Dammit ! Get OUT!"

I felt the connection wane and strangle, but she didn't escape again before I saw the bruised mark on her neck.

I was stunned, struck bone still to the spot. The connection slammed shut abruptly.

My mind was unforgiving, filling in blanks with my imagination that were better left empty. Flashes of another man's hands caressing her skin, lips on her neck. Another man eliciting wanton noises from her. Another man pleasuring her. Possessing her.

The idea she might want him was caustic, eating me apart. My insides twisted and contorted, I suddenly felt ill.

She was with another man.

His mark was there on the side of her neck, she didn't even try to hide it. Dark and clear and practically screaming at me. I had no idea what my face must look like, I couldn't hide my shock if I tried at that moment.

I knew my mouth hung open, unable to utter a word, trying to process what I had seen. Hurt and confusion churned through me like a tempest. The delicate control I'd had a tenuous hold on crumbled like a pierced hull in the pressure of deep space. The walls groaned and creaked loudly around me, my emotions vibrating out through the Force wildly, but I paid it no mind.

"HOW COULD YOU-" the wail came surging from me, unbridled in fury and betrayal as fist connected with a durasteel wall, "DO THIS TO ME."

My eyes blurred, hot liquid pooling in them.

I doubled over in what felt like physical pain searing through my gut, doubling my arms across my waist as I glared at the floor, gasping and trembling as a sob wracked through me. The next word to rip from my chest was much less intelligible- more the cry of a wounded animal. I barely recognized the guttural sound as mine.

I could taste the saltiness of the liquid rolling over my lips. A dam that had held strong now burst, a gushing torrent pouring out of my soul and drowning everything.

I collapsed to my knees and hands, tears like beads glistening on the floor below me for a moment before I shifted onto my side and settled with my back laid on the floor.

My heart was quivering violently in my chest, like it might just stop entirely. I'd give anything to make this feeling go away.

Cut open my chest and carve it out, I wouldn't care. Just make it stop.

I closed my eyes. I imagined her as I first met her on Starkiller, achingly beautiful and ferocious, poised above me as I lay wounded and bleeding. A reverse grip on her saber as its blade pointed downward at me menacingly. I then imagined the sweet relief of death as she plunged it through my heart and ended my misery permanently.

I couldn't be sure how long I laid there.

What I do know is that I couldn't bear the feelings anymore, and sought drink. While not a normal vice of mine, I typically abstained completely, I wanted anything that might numb me. I'd kept a couple bottles of Chandrilan raava, and I figured that would do well enough.

When I woke in the morning, I didn't remember what happened after pounding back as much as I could tolerate as quickly as possible. But I discerned quickly upon waking on the cold floor of my fresher that I'd knocked over nearly everything not bolted to the floor or walls. Datapads, clothing, bedding, a couple plates, even random toiletries were strewn all over, some looked deliberately thrown. Cracked screens on several of those pads served as evidence to the latter.

I groaned and cradled my pounding head between my knees.

I couldn't be sure what time it was from where I sat, but the intensity of the lights suggested it was within the day cycle already. The fact nobody appeared to have come looking for me yet bode well at least, but surely I had another jammed day I was running behind on already. I had to tamp down the feelings that led me to completely unravel last night, I had to force myself to function.

I was frustrated that I couldn't stop needing her, no matter how she hurt me.

And she hurt me.

More deeply than I ever imagined she could. To feel so entirely rejected and replaced was an immeasurably heavy weight around my shoulders. Not only had she locked me out, there was another man.

The thought brought bile to my throat, and made my mind race wildly. An impulsive and insatiable need to reclaim her pounded in my veins, Mine. MINE. The beast rattled the walls of my composure, doing nothing to calm the whirlpool of my emotions.

But yet, I still couldn't hate her.

She had spurred the resolve within me to do what had to be done. She gave me purpose, yet tormented me endlessly.

No matter how I tried to purge her from my thoughts, as soon as I had an idle moment, she barged right back in.

I'd get through the day, then find an excuse to be away again. I had to find a way to dam the hemorrhaging of emotions. Violence. I needed violence. I needed exertion and adrenaline. I needed to display my power and dominance. It would quelch the burning, consuming inadequacy tearing through me. It would numb the pain and make me feel in control again.

Then maybe with cooler blood, I could figure out what to do. Because I definitely would not let this affront lie.