A/N: Okay, so due to the length of everything I want to cover here in Rey's POV, I'm actually going to split this in two parts. Writing parallel chapters was an interesting challenge for sure, and my muse was pretty stubborn about churning this chapter out, despite the outline being done. Sorry if you hate Damerey with a burning passion, but you've been warned! Reylo is still the end game, and Damerey will be brief overall. There is a method to my madness.

The next part is the heavy hitter, but this part is necessary.

Here's my inspo songs for both parts:

Everything i wanted- Billie Eilish

Control- Halsey

Treacherous- Taylor Swift

Lay It All on Me- Rudimental, Ed Sheeran

Ajan Kloss

I don't know what I expected.

Well... I guess that's a lie. I know what I expected.

I just cannot fathom why. Why I let myself be so foolish and carried away. I guess Snoke had thought Kylo Ren wouldn't be strong enough bait, so his dream was just a failsafe to get me onto the Supremacy, but it seemed he severely underestimated his apprentice.

There was only one positive in all of it, that Snoke was dead.

His promise to tell me who my parents were, unfulfilled. He lied. I don't think he even knew.

At first, I'd been bereft upon arrival on Crait. But, there wasn't much time to dwell on any of it. Ren didn't respond to my plea, and the Resistance was keen to regroup and find a new hiding spot as quickly as possible before the First Order decided to polish us all off. Leia corralled everyone onto the Falcon as soon as Chewie arrived.

Leia had apparently been comatose until not long before, and it was Vice Admiral Holdo who had smashed the Supremacy apart while I was on board in a desperate maneuver to save the fleeing transports.

Of course, I had found that out from a new friend, Poe, while Finn was deeply invested in the care of a girl I came to discover was named Rose.

Finn was terribly relieved that I was safe, but otherwise couldn't be bothered much with me while Rose was recovering. I hated how bitter I felt about it, how lonely it made me. Awful feelings enveloped my heart in those moments. My only consolation was Poe, who tried to keep lighthearted conversation. But still, my mind only wandered back to the throne room incident.

We had shared a profound longing, honesty, and heartbreak. There was no hatred, no malice, no manipulation. There was only two people who'd come to realize how deeply they cared for each other. And the crushing disappointment that neither of us wanted to be what the other wanted them to be in that moment. A line drawn between us, that I was now painfully realizing would probably never be crossed.

I had woken before him, and took a moment to quietly look around at what all we'd destroyed before standing and approaching his defenseless form.

I could've struck him down, it would've been easy. But the Force wasn't done with him, I knew that somewhere deep inside.

His life was mine to take in that moment, but I couldn't bear the thought of living in a world where he didn't. It could never be my hand, of that I was sure. I was too hopelessly entangled, even if we could never be, my heart wouldn't allow it.

So I kneeled, leaning over his softly breathing form, taking in the sight of his serene face. Just once more, before I left.

Luke's error had been thinking that his decision was made. Mine was thinking that the choice was simple.

I gently carded my fingers through his hair, deeply pained over leaving him. I thought I might kiss him just once more before I turned away from him, perhaps forever.

But I hesitated, my lips ghosting over his.

If I truly held any conviction to deny the darkness, I shouldn't dance with it. I pulled away and glanced sadly at the broken saber, then resolved to gather up the pieces and escape while I still could, better to leave before he woke.

I'd heard all the stories about how great Poe was, and I admired him in some ways, but what warmed me to him most was a very sincere kindness he held within him. He was boisterous and sarcastic, but to just a small selected few, he could truly be tender.

I felt very lucky to be among those few in his eyes.

Where Ren had told me I was nothing, Poe always made me feel like someone.

Someone important.

The way he'd looked at me when I had introduced myself, as though I'd just lit the sun in the sky before him.

To him, I was admirable. Worthy.

My heart felt light. Everything would be alright.

I knew he really wanted to be friends when he offered to help me with repairs on the Falcon.

Pilots never want to fix things, especially not hotshot top guns. He wasn't very handy with repairing things, if I were being honest. But, he was good at fetching tools and anticipating which one I would need next, and supplying entertainment all the while. He had so many amazing stories, and I loved soaking them in.

I didn't know what made him gravitate toward me, but I basked in the comfort of it.

I wasn't sure he'd ever let me live down a particular gaff of mine late one night running on little sleep.

He had a mind to tease me that time, when he'd handed me the wrong thing. I demanded a different item, which plucked deftly from the toolbox next to him. But, instead of handing it to me, proclaimed I couldn't have it and it was his. We laughed and bickered back and forth, but finally my weariness took over and I blundered through a haughty demand, "Give me your rod!" to which he hysterically laughed, I blushed violently, and he teased me for days after.

A month passed, nothing from Ren.

It was bittersweet, a part of me longed for him. Missed him. But a very stubborn part of me was glad. I had to keep him out and stay my path. I was the last hope for the Resistance, and I couldn't let them down. There was so much riding on my shoulders.

I had been training under Leia, a task that consumed me with guilt most days. Dark Rey never let me forget it either. She'd been particularly cruel after I told Leia simply that Luke refused to help and he was not coming. Leia and I didn't speak of Luke again.

But he wasn't the only source of my guilt.

I had failed to bring her son back to her too. More than that, I'd slept with him. I harbored feelings for him. The duality Leia carried every day seemed intimately familiar to me now. Caring so deeply for someone that everyone around you wanted dead.

One day after a session, Leia had cradled my cheeks in her small, frail hands.

She said softly, "Don't be afraid of who you are, Rey."

Her eyes held a knowing look, and somehow that comforted and terrified me. As if she knew about Dark Rey, and all I'd done. It haunted me.

Her words tumbled around in my mind constantly.

I couldn't tell anyone about Ren, or Dark Rey. Not only could they never understand, they'd think I was entirely insane. And why would they even want to understand? Heroes didn't do things like I had done… They would be terrified of me, they would fear I'd become just like Ren. I'd become a new nightmare for them. They would reject me. The only person who truly understood in any meaningful way, was my sworn enemy.

"And your lover." Dark Rey would taunt for good measure.

It was a harsh and unabiding loneliness.

I couldn't even muster the venom to call him 'monster' anymore. Not now that I knew all I did. Not after what I'd done.

If he was a monster, I was too.

And I definitely wasn't ready to face that.

To the Resistance, he would remain an unredeemable, soulless monster. I would have to lose all of them to have him. I'd have to lose myself. And I wasn't prepared to do that.

Every time he crossed my mind, which was often, I'd feel the connection humming strongly, pulling at me. Trying to connect us again. But I would resolve against it, and the feeling would stop. The only relief was that I could seemingly stop us from connecting for now.

After yet another training session, my body was heavy and I was feeling light headed. My mind was bogged down with the weight of a reality I was being forced to process.

There were only two paths ahead. My destiny was one of them.

To destroy Ren, or to join him.

And I knew I couldn't kill him.

Leia suddenly pulled me from my thoughts, pointing out that I wasn't myself and not performing well. To which, I mumbled a pathetic, "I'm just tired." with a half hearted smile.

It wasn't entirely wrong, Dark Rey kept me awake many nights, if not bad dreams.

Leia didn't press, though her look was skeptical, and dismissed me.

As I wandered back toward the makeshift base, Finn and Poe approached me. As we prattled on in some small talk before dinner, I noticed Rose not far off. She was standing at a control panel and doing a poor job of pretending she wasn't watching us. I mentioned it quietly to Finn and Poe, telling both not to look. Finn just smiled at me, standing awkwardly still, but Poe, in typical fashion, decided to twirl around as if he suddenly decided to dance, taking a very obvious look in doing so.

I couldn't help the laughter that erupted from me as the absurdity of it, not to mention Poe's ridiculous faces. Poe seemed to delight more in my reaction than whatever lovers' game was going on between Finn and Rose.

I'd felt very heavy and tired just moments before, but in his presence I felt light. Like always, he chased away dark clouds in my mind. His smile was bright and earnest. How simple life could be if I had fallen for a man like him instead. Maybe none of this would've happened. Maybe Luke would be alive. Maybe I wouldn't feel so tainted.

Another month passed, that made two whole months of silence.

I felt a little angry, but I tried to quash it. He hadn't tried to contact me. He had abandoned me, like everyone else I'd ever loved, was it really all that surprising? But then, I just chastised myself for putting 'love' and 'Ren' in the same thought. I wanted silence, I shouldn't care. He wouldn't turn away from the darkness, he wouldn't even meet me in the middle. He was poison and I had to purge myself of him or he'd slowly rot away my insides and kill me.

Maybe Dark Rey would take over me first.

The Falcon was preparing to leave on another mission, taking Finn, Poe, and Chewie away for a while. But, I had to continue my training.

I had to reach the Jedi that came before. Or anyone that would help me, honestly. Maybe a Jedi wasn't exactly what I sought. Maybe that's why no one had answered. The sound of technicians chattering loudly nearby broke my reverie and I sighed. I hadn't been sleeping well, still.

"Oh, but you slept well last night. You felt him on the edge of your senses, you smelled him." I huffed in irritation, of course she'd choose now to bother me. I did not want to feel, or smell, or anything to do with Ren!

"You stupid cunt." She glowered at me.

"Leave me alone." I growled.

This was my life, my body, I was in control. I knew people were nearby, I didn't want to risk looking entirely mad if someone overheard me. She cackled evilly, fading away. Relief washed over me, but it didn't last.

In the next second, her voice was loud and firm behind me against my ear, "No."

My temper and frustration overcame me. I was so sick of this, sick of her!

In a split second, I'd activated the saber Leia gave me and swung it out wildly behind me, somehow thinking I'd finally cleave her in half.

Instead, I was met with the confused and slightly fearful face of Poe, just inches from my blade.

"I'm...sorry?" He muttered softly, unmoving as though he was unsure what to do.

I had almost killed him. One more step and he would be dead right now.

I knew the shock must be plain on my face, my hand went limp, the saber falling from my grip and deactivating. I slumped to my knees, staring down at my shaking hands in disbelief.

She tricked me, I didn't see it coming at all.

Why was I always so stupid? She wanted me to kill him!

I heard a strange gulp-like sound as my vision clouded.

"Hey, hey, it's okay! I'm alright, there's no need to cry. I shouldn't have snuck up behind you like that, it's not your fault."

He approached me cautiously, holding out his hands, as though I were some feral animal that might lash out at him any moment. I looked up and met his eyes, trying to blubber out an apology,

"I-I...Poe!" I ended up crying out instead.

He didn't hesitate then, falling to his own knees just inches from mine, pulling me into his arms and embracing me. He shushed me and rocked us back and forth gently, his fingers brushing over my hair in a soothing gesture. I felt so overwhelmed, conflicted and confused. So I just cried, and let him comfort me.

No, no, no, no, no. Not now!

My heart raced with dread and panic as the vacuum of sound occurred, the connection was opening. I clutched Poe's dark leather jacket in my fist. I did not want to see him. Not now, maybe never. My heart tried to protest that wasn't true, but I resolutely ignored it.

I kept my face buried in Poe's chest, I knew he was here, but I refused to look. I was paralyzed with indecision, I couldn't let Poe know about the connection to Kylo Ren, but how could I get rid of Ren without Poe noticing? Kriff, my luck was unbelievable!

"Who is that?"

I jerked my head toward Ren's voice, my eyes meeting his in alarm, could he see Poe? Was I putting Poe in danger?

"What's wrong?" Ren asked, his eyebrows furrowing together in confusion now that he could see my tear stricken cheeks.

I mashed my eyes closed, willing with every fiber of my being to cut the connection. I could feel it start to strain under my efforts.

"Rey, sto-" his voice cut off abruptly as the connection snapped, and sound returned to the world around me. I sighed in immense relief, pleased I was able to repel him for once.

"Rey?" That probably still looked very weird to Poe.

"I thought I heard someone calling for me and the sudden motion made my head hurt." I replied, my voice a bit croaky.

I braved a look into his eyes, they were soft and understanding. He pulled his shirt sleeve over his wrist and started wiping at my cheeks thoughtfully, his other hand resting on the side of my face with a thumb bracing under my chin to hold my face still. I blushed furiously under the attention, having forgotten myself earlier. I'd never been this close to him, let alone touching before.

Poe was undeniably an attractive man, but he was frustrating. Aggravating. A bit haughty and definitely a smart ass.

Yet could be so gentle, sweet, and warm. So much so it made me want to scream a bit.

But he remained by my side. He wouldn't abandon me. My thoughts obsessively circled on that.

"I'm sorry, I'm such a mess, I guess the pressure has been getting to me." I admitted sheepishly, hoping he'd accept that excuse.

"Well, yeah, being touted as a hero is a bit heavy. A lot of expectations there." He said thoughtfully, rubbing circles over my back.

It didn't escape my notice that he made no effort to put space between us. He smelled of oil and warm, sweet spices. A masculine mix of harsh and sweet, but it was oddly calming.

My shadow had continued to strengthen within me, to my horror. But, the good, the light, it was in Poe.

The idea sprung into my mind.

Maybe I was too far gone to be a Jedi, but I could still align myself with the light, right? The fact that I was drawn to his warmth and kindness, that meant I could still turn away from the darkness.

It had to be. That's why Dark Rey hated him. It made sense now.

Poe was a hero, always surging out against the odds. Maybe the odds were against me, but he was used to that. I could cling to his light like a life raft and he would undoubtedly pull me back in to safety. He could be my hero. He could save me from the bleak fate ahead.

I just had to let him. I had to make the decision to choose him. I had to decide to deny Ren at all costs and never look back.

Yet, something inside me thrashed and screamed at the idea of turning away from Ren. Despite it all, I was still so deeply possessive of him. Could I ever escape those feelings? The memories of all that had transpired between us?

It was immensely selfish of me. I knew that.

But, if Poe grew to like me, I could grow to like him. A steady, calm type of love. A love that was good for me.

"How did you know to stop?" I blurted out, wondering why he hadn't walked right into his death by accident.

Surely, it couldn't be all luck that he'd survived this long.

"I can't explain it, I just knew I needed to stop there. That something was about to happen." His brows furrowed together, trying to make sense of that thought.

Precognition? Could he be Force sensitive? His signature was stronger than most…

"Anyway, are you feeling better?" He asked, moving on without much more thought to the previous subject.

"I guess, it's just tough to adjust from being a total nobody, to such big things suddenly kinda revolving around me, you know?" I shrugged, unsure exactly how to say what I meant without sounding like an ass.

Poe chuckled. "Of course everything revolves around you, you're a living embodiment of a sun, Rey."

He hopped up onto his feet, offering me his hand to lift me up. I blushed furiously at that.

"I don't think so, but thank you. I just… feel very conflicted about the things I've done, who I really am. I'm not as great as people like to think." I replied, looking down at my feet.

I hadn't noticed my hand was still in his until he gave it a reassuring squeeze.

"You're right, you're even better than they think you are." He smirked at me lazily, then his expression shifted to a more serious one. "But, really, don't dwell on it too much. You'll figure it all out. All of us have a past, and we've done things we don't really love, but it makes us who we are."

Poe gave one last effort to convince me to join their mission before relinquishing me, but I denied in favor of my training. We parted ways with the understanding we'd all meet for dinner in a few hours like usual.

I kept my mental barriers strong, I could feel Ren now urgently trying to break through, but somehow I was blocking it. I wasn't exactly sure how.

It had been a few hours, and I was just preparing to leave for dinner when I let him slip through by accident.

I growled in frustration as I felt his presence bloom in my space, trying to tamp down my want and loneliness that his being was an acute reminder of.

"Why did you shut me out?" He demanded.

"I don't want to see or talk to you." I ignored his question, or maybe I answered it? I gave him the iciest expression I could muster.

He ignored it.

"Was it that dark woman again?"

His mention of Dark Rey gave me pause. I was tempted to wilt, to confide in him how she wouldn't relent unless he was near. But, I held strong.

"Why do you keep on insisting like this?" I forced out through clenched teeth, refusing to look at him.

"Because I know you. The real you. They don't." Came his passionate reply, closing the small distance between us further.

I could feel the heat radiating off him. I could smell him, I loved the scent of him no matter how I tried to ignore it, and without thinking found myself inhaling more deeply.

His index finger hooked under my chin, lifting my face toward his. I finally met his eyes with deep anxiety and trepidation. He was sucking me in. I wasn't sure I was strong enough to stop him.

Suddenly, the connection started to wane, and it appeared he noticed, hurrying to finish his speech.

"I see what's inside you. And I am the only one who would not fear what you are destined to become."

My mouth popped open with a gasp at the unavoidable truth of it, but he was gone.

Unshed tears bloomed in my eyes. How did he know all of my fears without my even saying? He seduced me so easily, I was immensely grateful the connection was short. I was frustrated at my weakness, and how Ren kept bringing up my destiny.

Everyone kept on about my destiny as though they knew it better than me! It was as though the bond was trying to stop me, but dammit all! I would make my own destiny! My life, my destiny. MINE. Nobody was making decisions for me, I was a grown woman and I would do whatever I wanted.

It was decided then. I was going to choose Poe, damn Ren to hell. Bossy little shit would not rule my life.

I tried my best to keep cool through dinner, but now I was so focused on every little detail, my stomach furled with anticipation and eager energy. Every sideways glance, every smirk, every gentle thigh squeeze he gave me when he laughed.

My heart was pounding loudly in my chest, I had a mind to wonder if he could hear it seated next to me. If he noticed, he didn't let on. He was casual and relaxed. He was so very close, I was sure if I leaned in just slightly I could smell the soap from his freshly washed curls glistening with moisture under the lights.

Finn gave me an odd look or two, but I was immeasurably grateful he didn't call me out on it.

If Poe were to reject me, I'd much rather bear that mortification quietly and in private. I knew he was older, probably much more experienced than me. Probably had his choice of any number of jaw dropping women.

Yet, it didn't escape my notice, without fail every day he was here, he was seated by me at every meal. And that without appearing too eager, he took every opportunity to remain close to me or touch me.

It gave me hope.

Hope was a dangerous thing.