AN: Hey. I listed endgames, so no more suspense.
Zay often felt outside of his life. Not in a dissociative way, but as if from the moment he woke up until the moment he slept, the time went in a fast-forward montage with one of his favorite songs playing in the background. Hol' Up by King Kendrick. To anyone else, there wasn't anything interesting to his life but he had a lot to be thankful for. He actually likes his family, he was a good student. He works part-time at a Foot Locker, while holding down a couple of side-hustles. Lastly, Zay has the greatest friends of all time. Maybe his life was boring but boring for someone like him meant charmed, blissful. It meant happy.
Zay stepped outside of his brownstone, ready to go to school. He wasn't expecting company, so when Maya jumped beside him, naturally he yelped and his headphones fell off his ears.
"What's the matter with you?" Maya asked, as if she did nothing wrong.
Zay's face was flat and he just collected his things from the sidewalk. "To what do I owe this harassment?"
"I can't walk to school with you?"
Zay shrugged. "You just don't usually."
"I don't do everything with Riley." Her voice was suddenly defensive and little sad.
"I... never said you did? I know ya'll got different friends now, or she got more friends." Maya cut her eyes at him.
Maya was quiet for a while, like she was getting the nerve to say something. "Has she... has Riley talked to you about anything? About me?"
Zay squinted, confused as hell. "Out of everyone, why would she talk to me? About you?"
"I don't know, man." Maya sighed and ruffled her hair.
"Damn, ya'll must really be going through something if you're asking me for help."
"It's just... I know she has other friends, OK? I always knew that Riley was Miss Popular-Sunshine-Kitty and I'm not, but it's like ever since I've moved in with her family, she's been so far away from me."
"Well, they say 'you don't know someone until you live with them'. Maybe she's getting sick of you in her space. Do you have any gross habits? Snoring? Massive B.O.?"
"I will kill you." She deadpanned.
"I mean, I don't know! She hasn't said anything to me. I thought ya'll talked about everything."
"I thought we did too but... Every time I ask her what's wrong and if she's mad at me, she says I'm being crazy and she flies out the window."
"Riley can fly now?" Maya rolled her eyes while Zay laughed at his own joke. "So, she's been avoiding you."
"Our schedules are so different; she's gone all the time. I just don't want this thing to become bigger and bigger until it becomes something unfixable."
"The only thing I can tell you is to do what ya'll do best: talk. And if she won't listen, make her listen."
"Well, thank you, Zay. Once again, you've been absolutely no help at all." Maya feigning gratitude.
"You're welcome, but seriously... You can't think of anything you've done to piss her off?"
"You know me; I'm an angel." The girl winked and then gestured to his full Nike plastic bag. "Business transaction?"
"Yep, finally getting these Air Maxes off my hands." He pulled out one of the boxes.
Zay had an uncle who was a huge Sneakerhead. Zay fondly remembered visiting his home and the furniture would be in shape of shoe boxes. He saw him as the coolest adult ever. Unfortunately, a little bit after moving to New York, he passed away but continuing that cool streak, he left his treasure to his only nephew. The shoe haul was a little bit to big for the space of the teen's room and his dad just wanted to be rid of them, so he didn't think his uncle would be too upset with him selling a few.
Because the school uniform did include footwear, Zay sold to the style repressed boys of Adams School, helping them create an identity away from their school personas. Customers included Farkle and Lucas of course, jocks, band kids, even Mr. Matthews. As far as Zay was concerned the shoes sold themselves on account of their originality and vintage flair, but the real main ingredient was Zay. He was fantastic salesman because he can relate to most everyone and he enjoyed it. He wants to explore being a business major in college. Maybe.
Zay didn't particularly love school, he was just good at it. He wasn't a genius like Farkle but he was just an organically smart and curious boy. Zay started reading when he was two years old. His mother would sit him on her lap and read books and newspapers aloud to him but she didn't know what he was taking in, until his preschool teachers said that he could read full books to the others. English was his strong suit, science he was OK, math was a struggle but he could manage. Zay was always a good student who never made much noise, until middle school. Being a teenager sucks, no matter who you are but Zay it was particularly lonely because the kids who looked like him didn't seem to trust him because he was an academic. They didn't understand him. To them, it looked like Zay was trying to be someone or something he's not supposed to be. As for the kids who didn't look like him... that was a mixed bag. Some kids were cool but, there wasn't a lot of black kids in that small patch of Texas and it showed in behavior. Either they wanted to impress him or upset him or ignore him, but Lucas wasn't like that.
Lucas always treated him like family. So, when his brother left Texas for the big apple, Zay arranged it so he could follow. Naturally, he didn't have this much pull in his home; his feelings and opinions didn't outrank his parents. However, seeing him so depressed, his dad gave in and asked for a transfer. Zay did the rest. He found the school Lucas went to, a neighborhood they could afford, even a babysitter for his little sister. Zay didn't hand-pick the new friends that now came with Lucas, but luckily they became his friends too.
As they got older and their personalities changed, some new friends came and went but the core was always intact. At least, up until recently. For example, Lucas and Zay would always at least have lunch with two other people, usually Farkle and whoever Lucas was entertaining at the moment. Today, it was the two friends, like ol' Texas.
"No Missy?" Zay asked Lucas. Lucas kept staring at his phone.
Lucas shook his head and took another mouthful of salad, "stick a fork in her. Or better yet, Billy Ross." He made a gesture to the left and boldly Missy was sitting on the football captain's lap.
Zay grimaced and then carefully asked, "I know better than to ask this, but I still will: you okay?"
Lucas shrugged. "He can have her. Besides..." Lucas took the pause to show Zay the new person he was texting on his phone.
After reading who it was, Zay rolled his eyes, "No."
"What?" Lucas pretended to be oblivious.
"Lucas, leave that poor boy alone." There was further insult with his warning tone by the way he shook his head.
"He texted me!"
"Oh God." Zay sighed, giving up.
Zay knew that he probably should be concerned about the way Lucas treated his partners... people he was dating... whatever he wanted to call them, but felt like it wasn't his job as his friend to criticize his lifestyle, at least not until it became a real problem. As well, Lucas came out just last year. It was the first time in a long time that he saw his friend be truly comfortable and open. Therefore, Zay wanted to let him have his fun, for now.
Suddenly, his eyes caught their other comrade, waltzing past them to talk to some older kids. Zay apologized to Farkle on the phone the day after the disaster and he said everything was good between them but there was no denying the tonal shift in his relationship with the gang. It could have been because he was still mad at them, of course but it could be because the brand new friends he acquired. What was thought as the one night of complete ruin of the Minkus' name was actually a come-up for their youngest heir. Sure, some businesses did drop the brand but no one significant enough to mess with their reputation and the party, especially Farkle smashing the camera, made the teenager look cool as fuck. Farkle embraced it and little by little it appeared, was letting go of the crew.
"Hey," Zay got Lucas' attention and nodded back to their best friend hanging out with Lucas' maybe ex-girlfriend and the captain of the football team.
"Hmm."
"Hmm? That's truly all you have to say?"
"He gets to have other friends, Zay."
"That's not the point. The point is he sits here. And doesn't treat us like we're invisible." Zay sounded a little more hurt than he wanted to.
"We fucked up and now he's punishing us. Let him ride it out. He'll come back to us eventually." Lucas tried to be certain.
"He gets to have other friends, Zay." He mimicked. "I hate how fucking mature you are. Can you just freak out with me, once? Like, be on my side?"
Lucas answered with a smirk and went to throw away his tray. Zay couldn't stop staring at Farkle with the cool kids. He looked happy and that worried him. He couldn't put his finger on why but he knew that he had to talk to him about it.
After school, Zay traveled to Farkle's house. He didn't have to be to work until 6 and something needed to be done about the whole Farkle situation. The Maya-Riley situation he was staying out of. Girl shit is best left to girls. The Lucas situation he was going to ignore for the time being. Maybe that was the wrong thing to do but time would tell. This Farkle situation though, needed to get sorted right away because out of everyone - even Lucas - he saw himself the most in Farkle. Zay could understand and sympathize with the betrayal he was probably still feeling. Sure, Farkle said everything was fine but it wasn't. And perhaps the Farkle situation was also a situation that was best left to time but Zay could only have so much patience when it seemed each of his friends were dealing with their own particular crises. Something needed to be under control.
The doorman was new. He looked Zay up and down. With narrow eyes, he called the back up guard, obviously in disbelief that Zay was on the list of welcomed guests. Zay rolled his eyes. He was doing his job, he guessed but there was always the thought. The doorman gave him the go-ahead and Zay straightened out his uniform, looking past him. He entered the elevator, rehearsing all the apologies and building olive branches for Farkle. Things were usually pretty easy with him, like on the phone but that was just Farkle's facade. It'd be worse if he wasn't still mad. That would mean he doesn't care anymore.
Zay approached the outside of Farkle's loft and the door was cracked. The rock music was raving, so he took that as an invitation. It seemed normal; Farkle always studied with a playlist loud enough to blow anyone's brains out. Zay eased through the loft and saw the bedroom door closed. Zay didn't think he had company. Even so, what could they be doing that is so private? Or he couldn't be apart of? Without hesitation, Zay opened the door and nothing could have prepared him for what was on the other side.
His wide eyes were welcomed to the sight of his dear, sweet, friend Riley - the girl who made up an apology song about eating his grandmother's annual cookie - graciously on top of his bookish and sweeter friend Farkle in pieces of her cheerleader uniform, who had one hand on her bare backside and the other on her naked back.
"OH JESUS! OH NO!" Poor Zay shielded his eyes with his arms.
Riley shrieked and found Farkle's pillow to cover herself. "Zay!" Farkle groped at his pants, pulling them back up.
Zay immediately turned around, giving them time although there wasn't enough seconds in the world to lessen their humiliation. "Don't worry, Riley I didn't see anything." He lied. "Farkle, I didn't see anything either." He really lied.
"GET OUT ZAY!" They yelled at him in unison and he did as he was told.
Zay ran out of the loft, repeating,"...fuck me up, fuck me up, fuck me up..." He went down into the subway and jumped into a train. He collapsed into a seat, his mind racing. He was never good at keeping secrets. Zay was feeling foggy and confused. They were all friends. Why did they lie to each other? Didn't they trust each other anymore? Zay felt that he was on autopilot all the way to Lucas' house. He climbed the fire escape and tapped on the window. Lucas was there to open it.
"Zay, what's up man?" Lucas casually greeted.
"Yo, you won't believe - " Just as soon as he started to tell his nightmares coming to life, he turned and saw Maya in the corner sitting at his desk.
"'Sup, fool?" She nodded.
Suddenly, Zay didn't know what to say.
"Maya, I... didn't expect to see you here." He had a nervous smile.
"OK...?" She shrugged. Maya was friends with Lucas too, of course Zay knew that. It wasn't out of the ordinary for them to be hanging out, especially now that apparently her and Riley were on the outs. Perhaps because Farkle and her were so very in but, it's clear that Maya was not aware of this. The Farkle situation has now entered a level of delicacy. Goddamn it.
"Dude, what's up?" Lucas said again, more concerned. "You're literally sweating." Both Maya and Lucas were watching him. He had to speak. Zay's mouth was steadily opening and then a barrage of chirps came from his phone. He took the iPhone out of his pocket to see text after text from none other than Farkle. "Who's blowing you up like that?"
"That would be Farkle. He was probably calling me on the train but he couldn't reach me. AT&T sucks ass." He put his phone away. "He probably doesn't want me to tell you about what I saw."
"What you saw?" Maya perked up.
Zay took a pensive pause, but continued. "I was going to talk to Farkle after school and his door was open. I went in and I saw... I saw things."
"Things?" Maya questioned.
"Zay, what are you talking about, man?" Lucas folded his arms, losing his patience.
"I saw... him and Riley... and they were..." Zay was amazed that he couldn't even say it, as it he was under some spell. "They were..." He began to gesture.
"They were what?!" Maya demanded, now standing.
"They were -" Zay was almost frantic, in a hopeless game of charades until he made a hole with one hand and put it back and forth around his other hand's finger.
Maya's thick eyebrows went to highest point on her forehead. "You mean, they were -"
"Yes! They were!" Zay said relieved.
"No! Nope! You're lying!" Maya was in disbelief.
"I wish man, I wish!"
"Shut the fuck up! I don't believe you!" She was shocked.
To further his point, he then showed Maya one of Farkle's abusive texts telling him that he better keep his mouth shut.
"That doesn't prove anything. Everyone tells you to shut up." Maya said matter of factly.
"Maya, I saw it with my own two, innocent until today, eyes! Riley and Farkle? They fuckin' on the low." Zay finally managed to say.
"This is unbelievable." Maya shook her head, realization and then disappointment washing over her. She saw the image but still couldn't absorb the concept.
"I know, man. I know." Zay fell into Lucas' bed, hoping for the opposite. Lucas just stood in a stoic silence. "I just don't understand. Why sneak around? Why lie?"
"I gotta go." Maya muttered to herself and made a break for Lucas' window.
Surprisingly, Lucas didn't stop her, Zay noticed. He only said, "Text me when you get in." He watched her carefully deescalate down the fire escape and closed the window, locking it, then shutting the curtains. Lucas turned back to Zay, arms still folded with a locked jaw.
"You haven't said a word." Zay observed. "So you knew about this." It wasn't a question. Lucas could always say so much to Zay without saying anything at all.
Lowering himself with Zay, Lucas made an exhale of relief joining his best friend and confidant on the bed. "Farkle told me when they first had sex and that was a month ago, about. I didn't know if they were still hooking up; we've never spoke about it since."
"Well, why all the secrecy? Why only tell you?"
Tension took over Lucas' demeanor again. "It didn't make sense."
"What didn't?"
"Apparently, Riley was talking to him about us getting back together."
Zay's eyebrows rose and scrunched together. "You and Riley? Oh lord, no. No. We cannot go through that again."
"Right, well, she had other plans according to Farkle... And the thing is Zay, he was right. The night of Darby's 's rave - the night they first had sex - Riley came to my house and tried to re-initiate things. She tried to have sex with me and I... I rejected her."
Zay bowed his head, "So, after that: Farkle."
"Yeah, I'm pretty sure."
"And you didn't tell him?"
"I didn't see the point because I thought they were going to become exclusive after that. And anyway, how could I? Even though he was crazy confused, he was also happy -"
"When Farkle's confused, he is most definitely not happy - " Zay came quick with the counterpoint.
"It would have devastated him, Zay." Lucas said finally and absolutely.
After thinking a while, Zay agreed, "Yeah. I get it." He exhaled sharply, rubbing the back of his dewy neck. "I'm guessing I'm the only one who knows about this."
"Correct. Please, please let it stay that way." The two friends looked each other in the eyes. Zay was deflated but held his pinky to Lucas. The boys shook on it.
"I got to get to work."
"OK."
Zay collected his bag and stood in the doorway of the bedroom. He was about to make an exit before looking back at him, "We should be better than this, man."
Lucas' stare slightly faltered with a flicker of sadness. His lips thinned and he nodded quickly. "I know."
Wanting to take matters in his own hands to secure his future and always having an independent streak, Zay took an after school job. His mother wasn't a fan but his father approved, so he accepted his referee uniform from Foot Locker with pride. He was the first of his friends to be hired for a job. Lucas worked in a chop shop but his connections got him the gig. He was eager for the addition for his college resume, the extra spending money and access to some exclusive sneaker drops. But it was nice to have peace. Zay sometimes felt like he had to perform sometimes for his family and be a mediator to his friends but at work, the expectations were clear and less emotionally draining. He knew his job, he was good at his job and he liked his co-workers well enough. Going to work was a break.
It was a slow night. No sales or limited editions or back to school crowds. Zay leaned against the counter, drawing doodles of the strangers passing by when the assistant manager, Daniel came out of his office.
"So, apparently Madonna is trying to have a baby. Isn't she like 90?" Daniel is 20 and had his face buried in a People magazine. Sometimes, he says dumb stuff but sometimes, he could be one of the most insightful people Zay knew.
"I think she's in her 60's." Zay corrected without looking up.
"To have a baby, that's 90."
"And didn't she adopt half of Africa, as if that'll make up for her culturally appropriative past? She needs to relax." Zay snorted and continued to draw. Daniel leaned with him and watched. "So, hey, what happened to that thing you were applying for?"
"The Temple Scholars thing?"
"Yeah."
Zay paused, "I won."
Although he didn't know what he wanted to do with his future, Zay knew he wanted to go to college. A degree doesn't ensure a successful life but he knew having one gave more options of how his turned out. Therefore, he began to do little scholarships here and there for places that he was interested in. There was no dream school. The plan was to go where ever gave him the best deal. Temple University put their cards on the table: early decision and $5,000 scholarship. It wasn't amazing but considering it was a public institution which meant a lot cheaper, it was something.
"That's really fucking dope. Congrats."
Zay shrugged. "Thanks. I don't know if I'm going to take it yet."
"What did your parents say?"
"They're happy."
"Yet, you seem like someone shit in your cereal." Daniel observed, hopping onto the counter to sit.
Zay sighed, "Just... a lot's on my mind."
Daniel rolled his eyes and droned. "It's your friends, isn't it?" Zay didn't answer. "Do they even know about the good news?"
"They got a lot going on right now." Zay defended them. "Like, they're a mess. Individually and collectively."
"They always a mess. Every time you talk about them, you're like exhausted. Like they fuckin' Bebe's Kids. You know, you're not responsible for them. You're not their daddy."
"I know, I know." He's heard this before. "But they're my friends. They're my family-"
"No, they're not. No. Family's gotta act like family. It seems like they're acting like privileged, coddled babies and you're Morgan Freeman in some magical, spiritual negro role." Hearing the younger guy huff, Daniel decided to draw back a little. "OK, you say they're good people, I believe you because I don't know them. But dude, like, you deserve to be chill and not having your white friends stress you out all the time. You grown. They're grown. Grown enough to handle their own problems. I know you care about them and this weird dynamic ya'll got but clearly, they ain't checking for you the same way you're checking for them. Like if you can't even share the good shit with them and you say they're your family, that's a problem, bro. It goes both ways."
Zay chewed on his bottom lip, reasoning, "It's not their fault for not knowing what I didn't tell them."
"That's true." Daniel admitted. "But did they even ask?"
Silence and then Zay, sincere, "They are good people."
"OK." Daniel nodded. "Well, I know some good niggas, too. Alpha Phi Alpha is having a party tonight. They miss your mixin'. Come out."
Zay made a sideways smirk but then looked down at his clothes.
"Like this?"
"You know I got you, kid."
Zay smiled.
Daniel goes to Cornell and is part of one of the countries' oldest black frats, Alpha Phi Alpha. When Zay started to work with him, he instantly took a liking to him and invited him to hang out. Respectably, Daniel never tried to recruit Zay to go there, exactly. He said that Ivy League schools are expensive for no reason at all anymore because the best schools are in California but, if he did decide to come APA would have him in a heartbeat. Zay didn't know if he cared about Greek life but he really did like spending time at the APA house. It was one of the only places he felt like he could be himself and he saw a lot of himself. Sometimes, they did make fun of him being the token friend but otherwise, they were cool and the parties were always fun as fuck.
Technically he worked at the raves, being the DJ combines two things Zay absolutely loves: music and partying. Plus, the booze and drugs were free, easy to get because the students were of age. Whenever Zay's on the booth, his favorite part is when the song first drops and he spots the first person who recognizes the beat and they instantly start dancing and grinning. The place was packed with end-of-semester fever. There was a dark room red light over the party and Zay was a little buzzed off of some beers but he felt he was pretty coherent. So, one could imagine how surprised he was when he looked into the crowd and thought he saw Maya.
There was a girl, petite and blonde dancing hard and making out even harder with this tall guy. The girl turned around and Zay saw Maya's unmistakable clear eyes. And she noticed him too, still grinding on the dude to Akon but never breaking her stare with Zay. The guy's profile looked like someone he knew, but he couldn't place it. Suddenly, then they danced out of sight. Zay took another swig from his Samuel Adams. He thought he was probably seeing things... until the end of the night, when she showed up.
It was 3 in the morning, Zay was putting back the speakers with some APA guys when Maya walked in.
She caught his eye, guilty and flushed, and Zay nodded in confirmation. "So it was you. Hey guys, give me a moment please?" The boys looked at each other and left the room. After that, Zay went on, "And that guy... is Josh right? I mean, it has to be. He goes to NYU, why were you here?"
"He has a lot friends." Maya said quietly. Zay laughed dryly. He was getting so sick and tired of his so-called family and this time, he wasn't afraid to show it.
"Unbelievable... It's truly unbelievable and so hypocritical of you to be upset at Riley for hiding her and Farkle when you're doing the same goddamn thing!" He showed some restraint because he didn't want to wake anyone but Maya had still never seen Zay so unabashedly mad before.
"It's not the same -!"
"How? How is not the same?"
"Because he could get into trouble, Zay!"
"Yeah, rightfully so!" Zay wasn't sure if he wanted to have this conversation because he wasn't a confrontational guy but, there they were. He opened the door and he had to walk through.
"Zay, what are you talking about?!"
"He's too old for you, Maya. You're in high school, he's in college. He knows better."
"We're only three years apart, Zay and I've known him my whole life. Please try to understand." Zay lamented that his friend was near tears but this needed to be said.
"Your whole life. What's your whole life? Every Christmas and Thanksgiving since you were 10? How often would he give you a call or a text in between those times? Girl, you knew my grandma more intimately than that man."
"You don't know, Zay, OK? With him, I feel good and important and hopeful. I've never felt this way about anyone before and I don't want it to end. What's so bad about that? "
"Really? You've never felt this way about anyone before?" The girl answered with a confounded look. Then, with one playful bounce of Zay's eyebrows, Maya knew what and who he was referring to and the faded memory left her seething.
"It was a long time ago. We were 12. Get over it." That's all she wanted to say about that.
"OK, right." Zay said, nodding unconvinced.
"Besides, who are you to judge me? Judge us! I might be younger than him, but I'm not too young or too fucked up to know what true love feels like. We aren't doing anything wrong."
"If you're not doing anything wrong, then why is he hiding you, Maya? Why are you coming to me at 3AM, alone, to beg me to stay quiet about this? If it's true love, why can't he wait until you're of age? Look, I know how long you've pined for Josh, so I don't judge you. I know much you wanted this to happen. However, I do judge Josh because he also knows how much you wanted this. Josh knows better. Whether he means to or not, he's taking advantage of you."
Maya desperately shook her head, "No. You don't get it. You don't get it, OK? And it's none of your business, so you have no right to say anything about it!" She turned around to wipe the tears from her cheeks.
"Fine." Zay grumbled and stuffed his laptop in his backpack. Maya gave her back to Zay but hasn't left yet. Disgruntled, Zay offered, "Do you want me to take you back home?"
She turned slowly around with wide eyes and nodded innocently.
They didn't speak until they were on the train because Zay was curious.
"Does Josh know you came to see me?"
"No. He probably doesn't know you were there."
"So.. you guys were like… at his dorm?"
"No. He took me back home. To Riley's."
Zay took a moment for a thought to himself as the train moved in the flashing dark. Then, at the next stop he decided to reassure Maya, "I won't say anything."
Maya seriously glanced toward her friend. "Thank you, Zay. Honestly, thank you."
She held his arm and rested her head on his shoulder for the whole ride home.
Zay dropped Maya off, then tip-toed back into his room through the fire escape. He fell into his bed and set his alarm. Knowing he had only 3 hours and 34 minutes to sleep, Zay still couldn't forget Maya essentially declaring him heartless. He knows she didn't mean it but, it made him think about his past relationships. Or, one past relationship.
Zay took out his phone and scrolled through, finding his ex's number. Against his better judgement, he pressed it. It rang once. Still had time to back out. Twice, and then she picked up.
"Zay?"
He lost his voice.
"Zay? Are you there?"
"Hi-hey, Vanessa." The pitch in his tone did cracking thing it liked to do when he hit puberty. He cleared his throat. "How ya doin'?"
"Good." She giggled but a little unsettled. "How are you?"
"Good. Um, great actually, I got accepted to Temple."
"Wow, really? That school's in Philadelphia, right?"
"Yeah, I applied for a scholarship and wrote a poem. And… I won."
"Of course you did." Zay could hear the smile in her voice. "Congratulations."
"Thanks. My parents are throwing a party. Well, more like my friend's parents. It's gonna be at their restaurant."
"Hey, Zay? Is everything all right? I mean, it's late here but it must be really late in New York." Vanessa asked carefully.
"Yeah, it's late." Zay said, feeling the double meaning. "Sorry."
"Don't be. You can talk to me anytime, you know that."
Zay sharply sighed, "no. No, I can't. I shouldn't. This was my decision, right?" With the long distance, Zay thought it best pull the plug on his romantic relationship with Vanessa. Two weeks in the summers and face time wore itself thin quickly. As well, he thought it'd be asking a lot of both of them. It became too hard to miss Vanessa as a girlfriend but breaking up with her did nothing to alleviate missing her as a friend.
"Zay-"
"I'm fine, Vanessa. Thanks. I'll let you go though. Goodnight." Zay hung up.
As soon as Zay's mom Vera, infiltrated his mail and found out the good news, she called up their family and then her friends, which include Topanga Matthews, Riley's mom. Their parents got together and ran away with the idea of throwing a celebration. He didn't even accept it yet, let alone was he even in the mood for it. His friends gave their congratulations and well wishes and guaranteed their attendance. Sadly, Zay wasn't sure if it was they wanted to be there or because they were all indebted to him in some way. However, he was well aware by now, they could never turn down a party.
A few hours before the party, Zay found his dad, Walt, in the kitchen helping himself to some ice cream from the container. His mother was at Topanga's preparing, so he was in the clear. Still, he jumped a little when he turned around and saw Zay.
"Oh, hey, don't tell your mom." Walt took another spoonful of triple chocolate ice cream. "In fact, get a spoon. So you're equally complicit." Zay did as he was told, slightly impressed with his dad's blackmailing skills. Over 10 years on the force, hasn't missed a beat.
"So," Zay started with a mouth full of ice cream. "Do you think a party is... necessary for this? I mean, I may not go to Temple."
"Ok, so, number 1: We are leaving for your party in two hours. We invited family from out of town. Very late to bring this up. Number 2: fool, this party isn't for you; it's for me and your mom. College is the first step of getting you out of my house. This is the only the beginning. Oh, yeah." Walt danced his 90's dances. Zay rolled eyes and grinned. "But yeah, why? You and friends are always going out it seems like. And sometimes... you won't come back until 2 in the morning... like last night...Yup. I know about that. Cool dad knows all."
All of the gang had a curfew but Zay was the only one who would be punished if he didn't abide by it. Spankings went out of style when Zay became a teen and it was hard to make sure he stayed in the house because they both worked, so Walt had the idea to cut off his resources.
Walt started listing the verdicts, "No Uber privileges, no debit card and best of all, you get the Obamaphone for the week." It would be impractical to just take away his phone all together because emergencies do happen, so Zay's parents bought him a second phone that he could only make calls on. "Turn them in." Zay dug in his pockets and gave up his belongings. "Thank you." Walt sang, taking another spoonful. Then, he started to study his son a little harder. It was unlike him to not debate with him a little whenever he got punished.
"Dad, I got a question. What... what made you grow apart from your high school friends?"
"Oh. OK. Um, a lot of things but mostly we just went in different directions. It was no ones fault. Our priorities weren't the same anymore. We moved to different cities, we got jobs, kids... life just happens."
"You were supposed to keep that from happening. You and your friends should tried harder to stay in each other's lives."
Walt shrugged, pensive. "You're right. We could have but honestly, even if we had kept in touch, I don't think it would have given me a better life. I make a good living, enough to support my family. I have my family. The new friends I've made are cool. I think the life I have now is pretty nice. "
Zay was visibly disappointed by his father's reasonable and damned good answer. "Where is this coming from? Are you fighting with Lucas or something?"
"Not exactly... It's just-things are really messed up right now."
"Man, ya'll always going through something."
"Everyone's just being so selfish and stupid and keeping secrets... I wish we were 13 again." Zay's voice was reminiscent and forlorn.
"I get you." Walt put down his spoon and leaned against the kitchen cabinets, poised and authoritative. "Secrets. Is anyone doing anything illegal?"
"Mm.." Zay winced.
"Anything that can you in trouble?" Walt rephrased.
"No. Not at all." That was still technically true.
Walt blew a hard breath. "Alright, well. Zay, there's not very much that's in our control, especially not other people. You can only control you. It's good that you want to stay friends and fix other people's problems, but doing that wouldn't help them. Ya'll are becoming adults. You gotta figure stuff out on your own. Now, as your parent, it is my still my job to protect you and try to help with your problems. But, I think that I raised someone who knows right from wrong. Good from evil. And my children will always choose good, even if the people around them don't. Am I right?"
Zay made a slow smile, "you right."
"Alright, alright." Walt held out his fist to pound and Zay joined him. "Now give me five on the what?"
His son made a sharp sigh, "On the black hand side." Walt was super enthusiastic about the old gesture, while Zay just took his dad's cheesiness in stride.
"And last but not least, I love you, son. Say it back."
"Dad-"
"Say it back."
"This is not Into the Spiderverse-"
"I need to hear you say it! Let me know it's real!"
"I love you, too."
Zay's celebration was tight-knit. Just chosen and blood family. He knew the blood family would behave about except for Grandma Toula nagging him about cutting his dreads. It was the chosen - his friends - that concerned him. It wouldn't be like Farkle's benefit, it would be worse because there was animosity. But, that's OK. In fact, that was good. Hopefully, this would force everyone to deal with their problems with one another because Zay was sick of pretending. He wouldn't do it anymore.
Zay wore a nice suit, his favorite suit. It was a lilac three piece wedding suit that he got on sale from Asos. His little sister, Mirabelle said that he looked like an Easter egg but she liked Easter and was six so, that could only be a compliment from her. He was wearing those round readers that made him feel like he belonged in Brooklyn's hipster musician scene, carrying a cello or some random instrument like that. His relatives came from Arizona, California and of course, Texas. His paternal Grandma, GG Adeline, brought a cookie from a special batch for Zay. His cousins showed him the video games they brought to play with him and couldn't wait to show him the cheat codes. He made small talk with his aunties and uncles, who were more excited about coming to New York and him getting into college.
His family showed before his friends. Although it was Riley's family restaurant, she was curiously absent but her parents were confident she'd show up soon. Zay thought Riley's disappearance might be because of a potential run-in with his GG who knew about the cookie-eating incident of 2017, but he doubted it. Riley has been around less and less, and that was something that couldn't be blamed on Farkle. He was actually the first to arrive - with not-Riley. After the pleasantries, Zay approached Farkle as he was making his plate.
"So," he began coolly, smirking. "Who's that?" Zay bent his head in his date's direction. She was investigating a succulent plant and pricking it with her fingers.
"Isadora Smackle. You met her 15 minutes ago when I introduced you." Farkle deadpanned and kept his eyes on the salmon puffs.
"Yeah, but - who's that?"
"Zay, please." Farkle made an exasperated sigh.
When this would happen, Zay would normally back off but instead, he licked his lips and whispered, "you know, it's funny how you guys love to dismiss me, belittle me and tell me to 'shut up', but I'm the one you all come to with your problems. Even though I may not have your respect, like it or not I'm the only person with their shit together. So, you carry on; I'm not being ya'lls magical negro any more. I'm out." He started to walk away, when Farkle followed putting a hand on his shoulder.
"Zay, I'm sorry." Farkle said sincerely. "I know your worth and you're right. I'm sorry." Zay straightened out his jacket and nodded. "Can we talk?"
Farkle and Zay went next to the fireplace, sitting on the couch. Before he started speaking, Farkle looked to see who was in earshot. "We met around my birthday party. We've been hanging out. Taking it slow." Farkle was unusually casual.
"OK...?" Zay knotted his eyebrow in confusion. "And, what about Riley?"
"What about her?" Farkle said bitterly.
"Aren't you two... something?"
"No."
Zay sputtered, "Ah-I-Y-Ya'll we're definitely something last week. Doing something. I still have visions... night terrors-"
"Look, if Riley gets to play the field so do I! She's never asked me to be her boyfriend!"
"Have you asked her to be your girlfriend?" When Farkle didn't reply, Zay rubbed his eyes and groaned. "For someone so smart, you can't be this dumb, man."
"What?"
"Nothing. Farkle, do you even want to be dating other people? Do you even like Isadora?"
"I do like Isadora." Farkle defended.
"But, you love Riley." Zay finished for him.
"What I want is," Farkle struggled with his words, "for her to not take me for granted. She thinks she's the only one and she can choose me whenever she feels like it. She's not the only one. I have options, too."
"And how has that been working?" Farkle slumped down. "Dude, you got to talk to her."
Farkle then leaned over, clasping his hands together and thinking. He shook his head. "No. I think I'm done talking."
"Hey guys." Zay and Farkle looked up to see Lucas, tall and handsome standing before them, with Charlie Gardener. "Whatcha' talking about?"
"Oh you know, sports." Zay added sarcastically, standing up. "Hey Charlie, nice to see you."
Charlie and Zay shook hands. The guest gave a crooked grin that matched his green eyes. "Nice to see you, too. Love the suit."
"Thanks."
"Hey Farkle." Charlie greeted.
"Nice to see ya, Charlie."
After all the hellos, the boys just kind of glanced at each other, sharing different types of smiles. "Well," Charlie finally broke the ice. "I think I'm going to get some punch. Excuse me."
"I'll join you." Farkle left.
Zay and Lucas stood side by side, staring at Charlie get something to drink with Farkle, as if that was the most interesting thing at the party and at that moment, it was. Lucas looked back at his best friend and saw the smirk and said his name like a warning, "Zay."
"I didn't say anything."
"Mm, I'm gonna go talk to your GG." Lucas made himself scarce to evade any questions.
"Yeah, you go do that, bud." Zay smiled, rocking on his heels. He overlooked the party, seeing everyone have a nice time. Maya arrived and was helping Topanga keep the tables full, since the party was still mysteriously sans Riley. Zay saw this as a moment to get some air. Outside of Topanga's, there was a nice warm breeze coming in on this spring night. The cherry blossom trees were in bloom and the petals drizzled and danced around him. It was one of those moments Zay was able to reflect and feel truly lucky.
"Well, if it isn't the man of the hour?" A sweet voice said from the shadows. Zay quickly turned around to see Riley, hiding behind one of the trees.
"Riley. Where have you been? Your mom's been looking for you."
The girl stepped closed to him and opened her mouth to breath in his face. The smell of tequila was pungent and Zay shriveled back.
Riley popped some gum in her mouth and explained, "Trying to get the smell off before I go in. I was pre-gaming for Thor Johnson's party."
Zay nodded. "Didn't he graduate like five years ago?"
"Yeah. It's kind of depressing. You wanna go after this?"
"Nah, I think I'll pass." Riley shrugged and took another stick of gum, tugging at the front of her black mini cocktail dress. Zay stood shoulder to shoulder with Riley, watching the street lights come on.
Before he could convince himself not to, Zay asked, "Hey, Riley. Are you OK?"
Riley looked surprised, then a little offended. "Don't I look OK?"
"No, I mean, yes, you look good. You always look good." Zay reassured. "I'm just saying we haven't really talked in a while and I... don't know what's going on with you and Maya, and you and Farkle, or just you alone. It's OK that I don't know about whatever you may not want me to know about. As long as you know that I am your friend. No matter who's right or who's wrong, it's important to me that you're OK. You're important to me, you know? Whatever going on, whether you tell me or not, I got you." After this declaration of friendship, Zay said to himself, "God, that was schmaltzy."
Riley lightly giggled and Zay was forced to look at her. Her soft hand palmed his cheek and one of her eyes glistened. "Oh, Zay." She gently sighed with a small smile. "You really are the best of us, aren't you?"
Zay was about to say something and then found them. "Zay. Riley! There you are!"
"Here I am. Rock me like a hurricane." Riley droned and Zay snorted.
Mrs. Matthews ignored her daughter's sarcastic tone and ordered, "can you please go inside and help clear some plates? It's the least you could do for being M.I.A. all day."
"Yes, mom." Riley went inside.
"And you, are you ready to give us your big performance?"
"Sure, Mrs. Matthews." Zay answered. Like the party itself, it was his mother's idea that he perform the poem as intended. Zay didn't suffer from stage fright but the words he wrote were extremely personal and political, therefore he was a little nervous about public reception. But, he just reminded himself that these were the people who loved him. They knew him, they knew his heart. It was exhausting to deal with them sometimes, definitely and they could disappoint him, absolutely. Still, they were his home. This was his space, he belonged. Zay should be able to make it his own, as it was always going to be a part of him, for better or worse.
"OK, ya'll." Zay got the attention of the party, from the front of the restaurant. Everyone gathered around closer.
"I wrote this poem right after the Ferguson riots happened, so naturally I was in my feelings pretty deep and I dealt with it the only way I knew how. I took the poem to be work-shopped with Mr. Matthews and Mr. Taylor." Mr. Taylor was the AP African-American History teacher and was in attendance that evening. "Thank you guys for helping me with my drafts. Without you, I probably wouldn't have won the scholarship or done a lot of things. Thank you." The teachers toasted him. "Also, let me say to my white family here tonight: you know I love ya'll. Don't be awkward. Don't be feelin' some type of way. It's all love, it's all love." There were spattered laughs and chuckles in the crowd. "All right, here we go."
i've left Earth in search of darker planets, a solar system revolving too near a black hole. i've left in search of a new God. i do not trust the God you have given us. my grandmother's hallelujah is only outdone by the fear she nurses every time the blood-fat summer swallows another child who used to sing in the choir. take your God back. though his songs are beautiful, his miracles are inconsistent. i want the fate of Lazarus for Renisha, want Chucky, Bo, Meech, Trayvon, Sean, Mike & Jonylah risen three days after their entombing, their ghost re-gifted flesh & blood, their flesh & blood re-gifted their children. i've left Earth, i am equal parts sick of your go back to Africa & i just don't see race. neither did the poplar tree. we did not build your boats (though we did leave a trail of kin to guide us home). we did not build your prisons (though we did & we fill them too). we did not ask to be part of your America (though are we not America? her joints brittle & dragging a ripped gown through Oakland?). i can't stand your ground. i'm sick of calling your recklessness the law. each night, i count my brothers. & in the morning, when some do not survive to be counted, i count the holes they leave. i reach for black folks & touch only air. your master magic trick, America. now he's breathing, now he don't. abra-cadaver. white bread voodoo. sorcery you claim not to practice, hand my cousin a pistol to do your work. i tried, white people. i tried to love you, but you spent my brother's funeral making plans for brunch, talking too loud next to his bones. you took one look at the river, plump with the body of boy after girl after sweet boi & ask why does it always have to be about race? because you made it that way! because you put an asterisk on my sister's gorgeous face! call her pretty (for a black girl)! because black girls go missing without so much as a whisper of where?! because there are no amber alerts for amber-skinned girls! because Jordan boomed. because Emmett whistled. because Huey P. spoke. because Martin preached. because black boys can always be too loud to live. because it's taken my papa's & my grandma's time, my father's time, my mother's time, my aunt's time, my uncle's time, my brother's & my sister's time . . . how much time do you want for your progress? i've left Earth to find a place where my kin can be safe, where black people ain't but people the same color as the good, wet earth, until that means something, until then i bid you well, i bid you war, i bid you our lives to gamble with no more. i've left Earth & i am touching everything you beg your telescopes to show you. i'm giving the stars their right names. & this life, this new story & history you cannot steal or sell or cast overboard or hang or beat or drown or own or redline or shackle or silence or cheat or choke or cover up or jail or shoot or jail or shoot or jail or shoot or ruin
this, if only this one, is ours.
Throughout the slam poetry read, Zay heard the snaps, the visceral woops and sounds of pain, glory, and sight from his family and friends, but as he performed he was on another plane. It was like he couldn't see one person, not even his sobbing grandparents. No one else mattered because this was for him more than anyone, after all. What took him out of that zone was the thunderous applause and hugs he got. Even Maya, Riley, Farkle and Lucas could put their differences aside to give him a group hug. For the first time, in a long time, he felt complete.
Zay knew this wouldn't and couldn't last but, again, in this moment he knew he was lucky.
When Zay got home, he took off his glasses and put the on the nightstand. In his closet, there was a collection of vinyl records in a crate. He found the one he wanted to play. Under the floorboard, Zay reached for his stash of weed and rolling paper. Sitting on his bed, he expertly rolled himself a healthy joint. He removed the black disc from it's sleeve carefully and put it on the record player. Zay turned out the light and when to stand on the fire escape. The New York lights designing his silhouette, he lit up and smoked. Calmly, he exhaled.
To anyone else, there wasn't anything interesting to his life but he had a lot to be thankful for. He actually likes his family, he was a good student. He works part-time at a Foot Locker, while holding down a couple of side-hustles. Lastly, Zay has the greatest friends of all time. Maybe his life was boring but boring for someone like him meant charmed, blissful. It meant happy.
I wrote this record while 30 thousand feet in the air
Stewardess complimenting me on my nappy hair
If I can fuck her in front of all of these passengers
They'll probably think I'm a terrorist
Eat my asparagus, then I'm asking her
Thoughts of a young nigga, fast money and freedom
A crash dummy for dollars, I know you dyin' to meet 'em
I'll prob'ly die in a minute
Just bury me with 20 bitches, 20 million, and a Comptown fitted...
AN: The poem Zay recites is called Dear White America by Danez Smith. Please watch him recite it on Youtube if you want the imagery of Zay performing it, even if you don't; Danez is absolutely mesmerizing.
If anyone has anything to say to me about Joshaya or whatever, honestly if you've read my other stories (if you haven't you should, please) you would know I don't let them be together until she's age appropriate so, that should have been your first clue but, now you don't have to waste your time.
As always, thank you for reading and sticking around. Reviews give me life.
Next up, whenever: Lucas.
