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Chapter 11: The Revolutionary Prosthesis

The day of the presentation was approaching and strangely Callie wasn't showing too many signs of anxiety. The day before D-Day while Arizona was already in bed, she hears the knocks on the door of her room, Callie pushes it but hesitates to take another gets up to sit in bed she observes with a softened smile on her lips, the brunette with children's eyes and her borrowed attitude. Which could say in her professional circle that the Doctor Rock Star, badass, the magically raging brown bear, could in the cocoon of intimacy appears as a Teddy bear. She secretly hoped that it was reserved for her, that it was her privilege to see this Callie. Shaking her thoughts so as not to indulge in painful memories imagining intimate Latina with someone else, she points to the edge of the bed and invites Callie to sit there.

-Come here. What's going on? What's wrong with that? You're starting to get stressed, aren't you?

- Um, I 'm not bothering you?

Callie walks slowly into the room, looking dismayed as if she had just broken the grandmother's vase the family memory.

- You're worried, aren't you? You're gonna see, it's going well ...

She interrupts Arizona abruptly

- I have to tell you something

- What's going on?

- It's a trick, um ... I don't think you're going to like it. I don't know how to say you that?

Arizona feels worry invading her, even if they have regained some balance, she kept this reflex, the fear that in a second, everything changes, everything escapes her, she has so often lost control in this relationship. She always fears Callie's words, Callie's decisions, Callie's actions

- Okay and ...

- Well you see when the prosthesis was at the point I ... we had to give it a name... And tomorrow when I talk about it well ... It may be this name appears and even It may be that I am asked why this name...

- Okay, okay and ...

- And the name is um ... Arizona

The brunette, head down, suddenly giving a lot of interest to the tip of her toes, really intrigues Arizona

- Yes, I listen to you Callie, so what is the name?

- I just told you: Arizona

- What ? Callie I don't understand...

- Arizona! fuck! The name of the prosthesis is "Arizona"

Arizona, frowns, she's not sure she understood correctly so she repeats "The name of your prosthesis is Arizona?" Callie nods with a sheepish air in a dull way

- You gave my first name to your prosthesis? Repeat her wide-eyed with amazement

The leg, the prosthesis, were always the elephant in the room for them, it was not the only problem in their relationship, of course, but it had been the one they had not been able to overcome and had led to their separation, twice. Arizona had almost overcome her problems of corporal image, the prosthesis was no longer a big daily concern, she had accepted it and was rather successfully adapting with it. But Callie's almost obsessive will to repair her, the feeling that she had not been enough for her who had loved her with two legs, she had buried it very, very deep in her, with the adultery and the urge to vomit that was systematically associated with this thought. She wasn't really sure she wanted to see it all, come to the surface now, and even to be able to handle it.

- You are angry I was sure! Obviously, I should never have done that, it was totally inappropriate. But in fact when I realized it was too late, everything was gone: the engraving, the documents, the filing of the name, finally I could not go back! And I've ruined it again. You want me to forget your prosthesis and I give your name to mine! Finally not really mine the one I invented!

But when they asked me, it seemed obvious to me, it came like that. In Seattle I started this research for you. I blamed myself so much for being a bad surgeon, a bad wife. I promised you and I couldn't keep my promise, there was this fucking sepsis and you were going to die so I made the call , I had to... To save your life. I couldn't let you die anyway! But I didn't protect you, I didn't keep my promise and I knew you were going to hate me for it, you'd never forgive me.

She uttered these words, without taking the time to breathe, at breakneck speed as if she had ruminated all of this for years. Tears she can't contain flow down her cheeks.

Faced with Callie's dismay over her leg, Arizona remains silent. She is mortified by this pain that was still in the skin deep despite the years. She realizes that in reality they never really lance the boil during this period to get back on a sound basis Of course, their new beginning could only be doomed to failure. Invaded by remorse she cannot hold back, the tears that escape from her eyes.

After regaining her composure, Callie goes on, she needs to finally verbalize, everything she had refrained all this time. Arizona takes a deep breath to find the courage to hear without reacting, even though she is aware that the moment is going to be a hardship for both women, she knows that it must be done, so she has to do it

_ I didn't protect you and you were in Hell, you hated me, you hated yourself. I saw how hard it was for you, to accept yourself, to regain your autonomy, to rebuild yourself. As an orthopedic surgeon I knew all of this, I learned it in medical school, but in fact it was just words on paper. That was a fucking reality. I mean... I was in the front row! Ahead of my eyes, the woman I loved more than anything, was suffering in her flesh, in her body, in her head and I had not been able to do anything, I had been helpless. I would have given anything Arizona so you wouldn't have to go that way.

She says those words in a sob, Arizona comes closer, with her head bowed concealing her own distress and her tears, she takes Callie's hand in hers to comfort her, but she also needs this contact to be able to bear the evocation of what was one of her worst nightmare.

I could have saved Derek's hand, but not your leg. You hated me, but I hated myself even more, but I wasn't supposed to collapse, I should help you, to go up the hill, to get your smile back. I wanted to give you back the desire. Of course I embarked on this project for you, in order for you don't have to suffer anymore, but also a little bit for me, not to be totally useless. You couldn't endure me wanting to fix you, change you, but that's not what I wanted, I just wanted you, to have a choice and not have to go through that trauma, I couldn't avoid you. Since you didn't want it anyway, you didn't want anything from me anyway so I wanted no amputee ever go experience what you've been through again.

She smiled thinking aloud

In retrospect, I'm not sure I wasn't the one who needed to be repaired the most.

Anyway, when I moved to New York, I didn't think I'd take over the project. I wanted to turn the page, not to hear about amputation, leg or prosthesis. But very quickly, I felt like a hollow in my stomach, it was always there, from morning to night and I knew this feeling very well, I quickly identified it, it was the lack of you. It was the same when you went to Africa, except this time it was worse because I was the one who left you alone at the airport, without our daughter in addition. I could only be angry with myself, and believe me, it's much less comfortable than being mad at you. In Seattle I could always see you, at the corner of a corridor, in the cafeteria, in a meeting, those moments seemed insignificant, I did not know they were not. Here you were totally off the radar. So, it's done quite naturally, I resumed my research and I worked, worked. This project was my last connection to us, the thing that made me not screw it up. And here I am, and that's why I called it "Arizona" because you inspired, motivated it and without you I wouldn't have done it.

The two women remain for a long time in silence, without moving, fingers always intertwined, each isolated in their thoughts.

Arizona is in shock, faced with all these revelations, she resumes, she sorts, she analyzes the information to process it. She had never really measured how much Callie had suffered at the time of the crash. She remembers how distraught she was herself when Callie almost died in the car accident. When the situation had reversed, she had not allowed Callie to express her sorrow. She replays all the moments when only her selfishness guided her, horrified she sees the scene she made, the famous day of the storm, screaming to her that she didn't have to position herself as a victim of the crash.

She had been one, however she had been collateral damage, that day she had simply denied Callie's pain. Her self-centeredness had blinded her, and she had not even realized how much she had destroyed her wife How could she have been that person? How could she have wasted so much love? Really the S.S.P.T. can it be the only reason for the abject behavior she had?

Callie not knowing how to interpret this mutism, breaks the silence that weighs heavily in the room, by getting up she adds

- Anyway, all this does not justify that I called my prosthesis after my ex-wife, herself amputated! Oh, say it like that, sounds like a little psychopathic!

Arizona holds her by the arm and forces her to sit down again. It is no longer time to hide, she must finally rise to the occasion silence her demons and this propensity to keep everything she feels inside her.

- Callie I don't see things the way you do, except for the psychopathic part

She tries a joke to find the strength to speak. Callie looks her in the eye waiting anxiously for what she is going to say. After having taken a deep breath, having stroked the tip of her nose several times, in order to take the time to choose the words, she launches

- I think during all these years I forgot to thank you. Thank you for saving me, several times. You medically saved me by making the decision to cut off my leg. There was no other solution and I could not have done it, I had no foresight. At that time I was no longer a doctor, I was just a woman terrorized of losing her integrity. Thank you Callie for doing it for me.

The Latina can't bear Arizona's gaze as much as she hears upsets her. It was the center of her pain for so long. Her ex-wife takes her by the chin and pulls up her face to face her so that she can measure the sincerity of her words.

- Thank you Callie for psychologically saving me, by not letting go. You supported me anyway, I was horrible but you stayed by my side. I couldn't have made it without you. I was angry at everything, against what was happening to me, and I was going after you. I'm sorry about that. I wish you'd never seen me like that, that you'd mourn the one I was before the crash, like you were crying Marc. I would like to die, so that you would remember the strong, cheerful and a little slutty girl that I was and that you had loved, not that aggressive cripple that could only arouse pity. I survived, thanks to you and Sofia. You saved me! And whatever you think, Callie, you protected me. Callie, you hid from me for years, that it was Alex who had amputated me, so I'd still have a friend! You've been withholding my reproaches without saying anything for months. I don't know anyone else, capable of so much self-denial, so much love. I sincerely beg your pardon, because I have not seen your extreme pain. I was your wife, I should have noticed that I was dragging you into my own hell. So thank you Callie for being who you are, and for allowing me today to live, to be happy and to see our daughter grow up.

Raising Callie's chin, she erases the tears that flow down her face, plunges into her eyes, shakes her hands in hers and adds:

- Callie I need you to do one more thing for me

Callie can only answer by nodding her head, the knot in his throat prevents the slightest sound from coming out

- I really want you to stop feeling guilty with my leg, you were amazing and I think I'm the only one who can judge that? So could you please, for once, obey without arguing? You've been wonderful all along, I couldn't dream of a better wife. Couldn't we forget that fucking leg once and for all?

Then joking, seeking to ease the tension, she exaggerates the flattered air

-Besides, now you gave my name to your revolutionary prosthesis, the loop is closed.

- So you're not mad about the name , are you?

- I find it a little strange, but I guess it's normal for a psychopath, I think I'm a bit flattered actually, it would have really offended me if you called it "steak knife" or "Erika" or Pe.. . Anyway, I can handle it I imagine myself in cocktail receptions

" oh my god Arizona? Is that really your first name? but it was you, who inspired the famous and talented orthopedic surgeon, but wasn't she your ex-wife" ...

Callie rises, inventing a new scenario that she plays theatrically

"- I introduce Dr. Robbins, the rising star of fetal surgery, the largest pediatric surgeon in the country and in addition the wife, oops ex-wife sorry,who invented a prosthetic leg that bears her name.

- Oh my God, but why did she do such a thing?

-Because she amputated her! With her own hands!"

They literally both explode in a life-saving laugh. Callie laughs so hard that she risks waking Sofia up. Arizona closer to her to put her hand over her mouth and stifle her laughter, as their gaze cross, Arizona lowers eyes on the fleshy lips that she loved so much and forgetting the fears, control and stay on track she can't resist the desire to brush Callie's mouth for a tender and languorous kiss.

When their lips separate anticipating Arizona panic, Callie holds her in her arms, whispering in her ear.

- Please don't run away

- Technically it seems difficult to me, I would like to point out that you are in my room! Arizona refutes a shy smile on her face

- Can I stand there, just against you for tonight? Just that night ... to give me courage for tomorrow

- Hum, Doctor Torres emotional blackmail! You're ready for anything?

"Oh yes I am! I'm really, sighing Callie, but right now I'm just a poor, super stressed doctor.

Callie raises her head to watch Arizona, her tender smile assures her that she won. The blonde leaning her head towards her ex-wife feigns resignation

- Just a hug from a young high school student then.

- Promised

- And tomorrow morning you wake up and leave before Sofia gets up. All right? I don't want her to find us in the same room.

- Are you afraid that seeing her mothers in the same bed traumatizes her? Callie replies ironically

- Callie!

- Okay teenage hug and I leave before Sofia wakes up I promise!

She hastens to slip into bed, near Arizona which was lying on her back, she lays her head on her shoulder snuggling in her neck, breathing her perfume. By closing her eyes, she understands what is meant by "Proust's madeleine", memories rise to the surface she falls asleep remembering all the happy moments they experienced, which had come to be overshadowed by the dramas they had undergone.

Arizona fondles the dark hair for a long time, she thinks she might never tire of such moments she hears that Callie fell asleep at the rate of her breathing that changed. Smiling, she remembers that detail that always let her know if she was awake. Callie's breath in her neck makes her feel good, everything that has been said, set her free , she feels peaceful

Other questions remain, however, unanswered, it will be for another day, she just wants to savor the moment she has dreamed so many times during those years of remoteness. She also sinks into a deep sleep.

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