"Well, Commander," Dr. Chakwas began, tapping the datapad in her hand disapprovingly. "I don't exactly recommend you leaving sickbay just yet. You may be patched up, but the tissue is still new and sensitive."
"I'm fine," said Lauren as she rose from the bed. Although she moved gingerly, her side still protested at the strain of being upright. She winced slightly. "Right now, the crew needs their commander. Out of sickbay."
Chakwas nodded sadly. "I cannot argue with you on that point, Commander. Ashley's loss is being felt deeply. By all of us."
"I know," was all the answer Lauren offered as she left the room.
The mess hall, though full for lunch, was unusually quiet. Anyone that did speak communicated in hushed tones. As Lauren passed, several crew members noticed and stood, giving her respectful salutes. The rest of the eating soldiers noticed and stood to salute as well. Lauren, returning the salute, could see relief in their eyes. As hands fell, smiles broke out on their faces. Her intuition was correct. The crew, her crew, needed to see a sign of strength, that the war wasn't over, that hope wasn't lost even if lives were.
"Commander, it's really good to see you up and about," a smoky voice said behind her. Lauren turned to see Kaidan's face, his smile genuine, but that didn't hide the lines of concern he had.
Taking a deep breath, perhaps too deep because her side twinged, she looked into the eyes of her lieutenant. "How's the crew holding up?" she said softly, using a twist of her head to invite him to join her. They walked slowly toward the captain's quarters, partly because Kaidan didn't want Lauren to possibly overexert herself, and partly because Lauren's side was complaining and she didn't want to look weak.
"To be honest, they are shaken," Kaidan explained as they reached the door. "They aren't a green crew, save a few, but Ashley had really made an impact on everyone. I keep hearing that it feels like the life has gone out of the ship."
Biting her tongue, Lauren struggled against her own emotion. "I need to notify her family. Kaidan, if you don't mind, I need some privacy." The door whooshed closed between them and Kaidan noticed the panel turn red.
Heading back to the mess, Kaidan picked up his empty mug he had left on the table and went to refill it. Garrus intercepted him. "How is Shepard?" He waited patiently for a response while Kaidan quietly filled his mug with coffee.
"I think she's not as healed as she should be, but I've never seen injury stop her. She's in there right now telling Ash's family." He sipped, pondering wordlessly how he'd handle the situation.
Garrus' mandibles flexed slightly in understanding. "It was a hard call, Kaidan."
At the sound of his name, Kaidan looked up from the steam he'd been staring at. "You've never called me by my name before …" he started.
"I don't think saying Lieutenant Alenko would have had the right effect." Garrus cleared his throat and cut right to the chase. "I can tell you are blaming yourself."
Hiding his face behind his mug with another swig of coffee, Kaidan's brow furrowed. He didn't like being so transparent. "I keep thinking there could have been another way. Should I have sent Jenkins on? Maybe alone he …"
"Alone he would have been shot dead all the quicker," Garrus interrupted, a slight annoyance sounding in his subtones. "We can't keep running through the 'what ifs.' Sometimes what happens happens and there isn't a damn think you can do about it. Spirits, humans are much more introspective than I ever realized. You don't know when to stop killing your dead livestock. It's about Saren now and stopping him."
Kaidan smiled at the turian and leaned against the wall. "I think you mean we don't know when to stop beating a dead horse. You're right." Kaidan paused as his smile faded. "Sometimes it is just hard for us humans to adjust when a person with a spirit as big as Ashley's is gone."
"That's when you have to fill it with your own," said Garrus sagely.
Raising his eyebrows at the wise advice, Kaidan nodded. "Sounds like you are nearly as introspective as we are," he teased.
Garrus dismissed him with a wave of his hand. "I guess my C-Sec beat gave me a lot of time to think."
"Oh, ok," Kaidan chuckled. "And I thought we were having a moment."
Turian eyes met human ones in a half-hearted glare. "I don't have 'moments,' Alenko. I hold court for those seeking astute observations."
"Always prudent, eh, Garrus?" Kaidan said appreciatively as he placed his now empty mug into the dish sanitizer.
"Somebody has to be," Garrus replied smugly. "Krogan run around half-cocked for blood, humans flit from emotion to emotion, salarians have no tact, and the asari, well, they live too long to give a damn about much that is actually important. We turians are …"
"Excuse me," said Lauren, brushing past the pair to reach for a mug. Grabbing a tea bag, she poured hot water into her mug, stared at the darkening brew for a minute, swirled the bag and took a sip. An audible sigh escaped her lips. "Sorry," she said to the men.
"How'd it go?" Garrus asked gently.
"Quickly. Ash's mom didn't want to talk much and really, neither did I. This isn't the first time she's gotten that call." Lauren pressed her eyes shut as she felt them start to well up. When the surge of grief subsided, she opened them. "She said they'll be ok."
Kaidan placed his hand on Lauren's shoulder. She smiled at the sympathetic gesture and put her mug down on the counter. She quickly turned, pulling Kaidan in to an unexpected and uncharacteristic hug. He awkwardly wrapped his arms around her. Garrus stepped back from the unusual display. "I should go," the turian said as he withdrew to the mess tables.
Lauren held Kaidan tightly, and Kaidan began to think it was lasting longer than appropriate. He wasn't complaining, but he kept his eyes open, scanning the room for strange looks from the crew. When she finally released him, her eyes were red and his shoulder was wet. "I'm sorry, Kaidan. It's my fault she's gone," she sniffed.
"No, it's not …" he started.
Lauren's face suddenly changed. She wiped her eyes viciously and her sorrow gave way to the hard look of authority. "How long til we reach the Citadel?" she said, clearing her throat.
"A-a few more hours, I think," Kaidan stammered, confused by her apparent mood swing.
"Tell Joker to alert the Council of our arrival. I expect some backup to help us go after Saren now," she ordered. She turned on her heel and, picking up her mug, returned to her quarters.
At the mess hall tables, Wrex now sat with Garrus, watching the humans interact. "Why did you run off like a salarian woman when she hugged him?"
Garrus shifted in his seat. "It looked private, Wrex," he offered lamely.
"Damn right, it was private. Did you see how tight she held on to him? I've seen grief many times, but that held something more. You should have stayed. You might have had a chance to hold a squishy human, then maybe you'd know what you think you're missing." The krogan elbowed Garrus roughly.
Rubbing his shoulder, Garrus said, "Wrex, do you have any sense of tact?"
"Got no need for it. If I can't say what I need to say, I let my gun do the talking," Wrex guffawed.
Garrus rolled his eyes. "She needed another human. They have an obvious bond. I'm not messing with that."
"Whatever you say," dismissed Wrex.
x-X-x
Lauren sat in her room, staring blankly at a stack of datapads. She wanted to have a plan of action for the Council when they ordered their ships to accompany the Normandy to Ilos to stop Saren, but her mind just kept playing her conversation with Ash's mother.
"Your daughter served with pride and integrity. It was my honor to serve as her commander," Lauren said to the grainy image of a woman.
"Thank you, Commander Shepard," the woman said with a voice that sounded too strong. "Ashley spoke of you often. She respected you greatly as her CO and I know she cared for you as a friend."
"She was a good friend," Lauren said, fighting to maintain an emotionless look. "To everyone on the ship. It is a great loss to us all. We will be holding a service for her on the Citadel. If you would like, we can arrange for you to attend via videocomm."
T he woman's voice began to waver. "Um, no thank you, Commander. We will make our own arrangements here. Could you please … um … send her things home?"
Lauren nodded."Of course, Mrs. Williams. Is there anything else I can do for you?"
The woman sniffed loudly and wiped her eyes with a tissue. "Just one. Ashley was not one for tears. She hated to be seen crying, so when you have your service, remember her with a smile."
"Aye-aye, ma'am," Lauren acknowledged quietly.
"I must go now. There are … things to do now. Thank you, Commander. You don't know how much joy you brought to my Ash's life." The woman pressed a button and the comm disconnected. Lauren sat for a moment in the silence. She said thank you to me, Lauren thought. Me, the woman who sent her daughter to die.
"Hey Shep, we're about 10 minutes out from the Citadel," Joker's voice said over the comm. "The Council says they will be with us as soon as it is absolutely possible." Sarcasm oozed out of Joker's last words.
Lauren smiled. "Thanks Joker, can you tell the crew we'll be having a service at the Alliance HQ on the Citadel? Give them an hour. We'll be in meeting room A113."
"Gotcha, Commander. Joker out."
Rising to her feet, Lauren looked around her room. In the corner, she saw something out of place. As she walked over, she saw the clothes she had borrowed from Ashley. They were neatly folded and had datapad sitting on top with a note written.
Hey Skipper,
We had a ridiculous time on the Citadel with guys, didn't we? Despite your protestations, I think you and L-T need to make something happen. Yeah, yeah, I hear you. REGS. Blah, blah blah. So wait then, if you want, but I saw the way he looked at you and the way you both held on to each other on the dance floor before Capt. Anderson came barging in. Anyway, this looks good on you, so I'm letting you keep it. Purple was never my color anyway. You can thank me later.
Ash
Lauren fingered the silky material of the shirt. Sitting on the bed, she held it up to her nose. The scent she caught surprised her. Kaidan's cologne. She closed her eyes and put the shirt down on the bed. Not now. She tamped down an unanticipated welling of desire. It was time to go. Time to remember Ashley. Lauren just wished she could without needing Kaidan so damn badly.
