Crew members shuffled respectfully out of the meeting room. A holopicture of Ashley sat next to a little generic podium where the chaplain had directed the service. The woman in the picture smiled brightly and her eyes shone. It didn't seem right that such vibrancy be trapped inside a holoframe. Lauren shifted uncomfortably as she lingered near the doorway at rear of the room. She was never very good at goodbyes.
She never attended any service for Daniel Townsend, the almost fiancé she once had, after he died on Elysium in the Blitz. She didn't have enough leave time to go to Earth and she couldn't face his family, whom she had yet to even meet in person. That seemed like a lifetime ago, but here she was again, saying farewell to a fallen comrade who had become more than a fellow soldier. Mourning for Lauren had to be personal, private.
"Hey, I think it's time we cleared out," said Kaidan, placing a comforting hand on her shoulder, but she still jolted slightly from his touch. "How about we go get a drink? My treat. It'll kill time while we wait to hear from the Council." His earnest eyes made Lauren feel a bit more at ease, and she nodded her affirmation.
They walked in a companionable silence until they stopped in front of the human restaurant Ashley had brought them not that long ago with Jenkins. Lauren looked up at the sign wistfully. The words JUST DO IT hung boldly across the storefront, written in a swirling font. "You wanna go here?" Lauren suggested.
"I think it's only appropriate," agreed Kaidan.
After being seated and getting their first round of beers, Lauren looked at the stage, currently occupied by a batarian singing jazz, and smirked. "Ashley gave me that outfit I wore here," she said casually. "That purple shirt and whatnot. I'm not sure how I missed it in my quarters, but it had been sitting by my bed. She said it looked good on me."
Kaidan raised his eyebrows at the revelation. "Well, she was right. It was a, uh, pleasant change." He quickly took a drink from his draft. "It's nice that you have that to remember her by."
"Yeah, I suppose …" Lauren started. Kaidan's gaze caught hers in a way that felt too personal and she averted her eyes, taking a long pull from her bottle. She could not tell him what was actually in Ashley's note. She bit the side of her tongue in annoyance, as she faltered once again with him. Warring thoughts swirled in her head. One side yelled for her to take the plunge and show her true feelings. The other side warned of the dangers of doing that very thing.
She crossed her legs to find a more comfortable position in her chair, then waved down a waitress and ordered another round of drinks. "It looks like I'm going to need more than one drink to decompress," Lauren smiled, trying hard to make it not look strained.
Kaidan returned the grin. "That's fine with me, but I only offered to pay for the first round." He shrugged then chuckled at his own joke. Secretly grateful for the levity, Lauren rolled her eyes in mock irritation. Then they both laughed at the horrible faces they knew they were making.
"You know," Lauren said as she regained her poise, "we spent all that time together at Brain Camp, and I never really knew much about you. We didn't talk about home or family or anything except … "
"Except Vyrnnus," nodded Kaidan, his smile quickly dissolving. "You weren't exactly the talkative type though to be honest. You kept to yourself. Not too much different from the person you are now." He raised his eyebrows pointedly.
"Now, hey! Wait a minute!" Lauren protested. "I talk a lot more than I did as a kid. I wouldn't be talking to you now if I were who I used to be."
A smirk reappeared on his face as Kaidan leaned in toward Lauren in fascination. "Really? Why's that?"
"Wasn't it obvious?" Lauren answered, her tongue feeling a little more free after finishing her second drink. "I had the biggest crush on you. Sometimes I couldn't see straight over you and Rahna being together. You were just … oblivious." She sat back in her chair, crossed her arms boldly and felt quite self-righteous.
"Well, that's news," Kaidan said, pursing his lips. "I thought you were just a poor kid who put up a front to cover her insecurities, but I didn't understand what you had to be insecure about. I thought, over time, that you were wonderful. Smart, beautiful, but not flashy. I liked that. I liked you too."
Lauren's brow furrowed at the heavy weight of his words and was unsure what to do with them. It always seemed ok for her to admit personal things about him, but when he reciprocated, she felt overwhelmed. "What about Rahna?" she quickly deflected.
"Rahna was perfect." Kaidan's answer and the far-off look in his eye disappointed Lauren. "But she was boring," he finished. "She was an encouraging force when I needed it, but she wasn't a foundation. She crumbled as soon as trouble appeared."
"So what was I then?" Lauren questioned.
"You …" Kaidan turned his full focus on Lauren. She felt a nearly physical connection as their eyes met, and her heart started to beat a little faster.
"You," he repeated, his gaze friendly, but intense, "were a firecracker. I recall you being set on going out of there in a blaze of glory."
Lauren giggled quietly at the remembrance of her brash, teenaged self. "A firecracker, eh? I thought you said I wasn't flashy."
Kaidan waved his hand dismissively. "No, I mean that you weren't a flashy beau … ty." A flush rose in his neck and face as his voice trailed off. "That didn't come out right. You were a pretty girl, but you weren't all done up like Rahna. She was all perfect makeup, clothes and hair. Your kind of beauty was understated, you didn't care what your hair looked like or if you dropped some of that day's lunch on yourse-You know, I'm just going to stop talking now because I'm pretty sure I just sound like an ass."
Laying her hand atop his and giving it a gentle pat, Lauren spoke soothingly. "I'm just giving you a hard time, Kaidan. I appreciate the compliment, backhanded as it may be." Her hand stilled but remained where it was as she lost herself in his eyes again. Her breath caught in her throat when his thumb gently closed in around hers. She didn't move away. She didn't want to.
"Lauren, I … need to be honest with you." Kaidan's voice deepened softly. He swallowed and looked at the ground. "Ash and I … we …"
Lauren withdrew her hand, interrupting him. "Kissed? I know. I saw." Her stomach dropped and her voice fell flat.
Kaidan looked flustered. "That wasn't what I was going to say, but yes. You did? Shit. It wasn't what you think. It was … a lapse in control. Just two people caught up in a moment." He scrubbed his face with his hands. "A very short moment. It was nothing."
Suddenly feeling guilty, Lauren quickly backpedaled. "We all do it. I mean, I told you about me and Joker. Sorry, I … I know it was nothing. What were you going to say?"
Scratching the back of his neck, Kaidan paused thoughtfully. "Nothing. It wasn't important."
An audible sigh slipped from Lauren's mouth. Now she felt like the ass. "I'm sorry, Kaidan," she smiled apologetically.
Shaking his head and rising from his seat, Kaidan said, "It's nothing, Lauren. Really. Don't worry about it. Why don't we get out of here and see if there's anything more from the Council?"
Lauren got up, impulsively grabbing Kaidan by the arm and smiling crookedly. "I guess I should tell you you're right and I'm really not much better than I was as a teenager. Do you remember one time when I caught you and Rahna?"
A laugh erupted from Kaidan. "Do I? Is my cheek still red from the slap across the face you gave me?"
Lauren twisted her lips in embarrassment. "Yeah, I just … was jealous."
Kaidan looked amused. "Jealous then? Or now?"
"What if I said both?" Lauren admitted. Her face flushed crimson and she was grateful for the dim lighting.
Lauren watched Kaidan cock his head to the side slightly at her confession. "I guess I would say that kind of makes sense, but it was pretty insensitive of me to try and kiss you right after I was just with Rahna."
"Insensitive wasn't quite the word I was going to use," Lauren said as they walked toward the exit. "It was more like hormonal, horny asshole."
Kaidan held his hands to his chest in mock pain, smiling. "Ouch, Lauren. I wasn't that bad."
As they exited the restaurant, they nearly collided with Capt. Anderson. "Funny, I'd find you two here again." He thought for a second. "Then again, maybe not. You were last here with Williams, weren't you?" Lauren and Kaidan nodded soberly.
"Well, you're not going to like what I have to tell you, but you'll be glad I'm the one saying it." The anger in Anderson's voice was unmistakable. "The Council has locked down the Normandy. Your mission is over."
"But sir!" Lauren stammered angrily. "We know where Saren is heading! It's not a matter of if we can catch him, but when. If we hang around here too long, it's going to be too late!"
"I know," said Anderson emphatically. "But my hands are tied … unless … "
"Unless what, sir?" Kaidan interjected.
"The Council is gathering fleets to guard the space around this station for defense. They seem to think that Saren will come back here with his geth," Anderson explained. "It's possible, just possible, that I could get the Normandy unlocked. With all the traffic, you could sneak around and be gone before anyone knew you were missing."
"What about the Alliance?" said Lauren skeptically. "What about the crew?"
Anderson rubbed his chin. "It's a court-martial offense, I'll be honest, but I think you know whether the risks outweigh the consequences. For the record, I'm not telling you to do anything." The gravity in his eyes said much more than his words. "But if this works, I don't see anyone faulting you for your actions."
"Kaidan, let's get the crew on board in an hour," Lauren ordered. "Anderson, we'll wait on you."
x-X-x
Lauren yawned loudly as she sat in the co-pilot seat. Joker turned slightly. "Having fun, Commander?"
A snort escaped Lauren. "Joker, I swear if you call me Commander like that one more time, I'm going to sacrifice you to the geth."
"Sorry," was Joker's insincere reply. "Are you planning on staying up here the whole time? We've got a helluva long way to go still. I'd get some shuteye if I were you. I'm going to be heading down in a few hours myself. I got my backup on standby."
"I guess you are right," Lauren sighed, crossing her arms. "There's no benefit in being tired. Who knows what we are facing."
"My thoughts exactly," said Joker smugly. "Now you just run your little self off to bed and I'll make sure you know when we get close to the Mu Relay." His condescending tone was not lost on Lauren, but she shook it off and rose to leave.
"Joker, you are a world-class ass." Lauren started to walk away, chuckling, but stopped as she heard Joker clear his throat. She turned back to him just as he was turning around to face her.
"You know, Lauren," Joker strained, swallowing hard. "Ashley said something like that to me. I had kinda tried to ask her out, but she was going out with Alenko or something. It was weeks ago, before we hit Feros or something, but you know what? I didn't really talk to her again. Ever." The pilot's face betrayed his internal struggle for composure.
"I'm sorry, Joker …" Lauren started to say.
"It's not your fault," he dismissed. "I didn't think something like that could trigger me, but it did. I just … missed my chance, now I've got to live with regret." After another cough, Joker shooed Lauren with his hands. "Don't worry about me. Just get some rest so we can deal with this bastard."
"I think a lot of us have some payback to dole out," Lauren replied gravely.
She exited the cockpit and walked slowly through the CIC and down to the crew deck, a thoughtful look upon her face and Joker's words in her ears. The crew deck was quiet with only the skeleton crew awake. She expected the same silence in her quarters, but as the door opened the dim light of a datapad could be seen on the floor and a shadowy figure laid on the small couch.
"Kaidan?" Lauren asked. "What are you doing here? You should be asleep."
"I couldn't," the dark form said, sitting up. "This is the quietest, darkest place on the ship and..." His voice trailed off.
Lauren moved closer taking a seat on the opposite end of the couch. "What's going on? You worried about tomorrow?"
As her eyes adjusted to the dim light, she could see next to Kaidan's datapad was a bottle. "You're drinking -on the ship- in my quarters?" Lauren's voice sounded disapproving, but she soon smirked slightly and relented. "I can't imagine that's good for your head."
"This?" Kaidan's voice rose in surprise. "This time it's not alcohol. Dr. Chakwas gave me this mixture of homeopathic remedies she concocted to help with my headaches. I hit my daily max of pain meds and this migraine has barely been touched."
"And I'm just supposed to take your word for it?" Lauren jokingly retorted.
"You can take a sip," said Kaidan, "but you aren't going to like it."
Lauren responded by picking it up and taking a hefty swallow. She coughed as fiery liquid seared her throat. "Are you sure this isn't whiskey?" she choked. "I'm - cough - turning on a light - cough, cough - to read the label." Lauren hit the sensor, leaving it on its dimmest setting.
"Previously, this really has helped, but I know it tastes like drinking straight lava. I have no idea what Chakwas puts in it, but I've developed a taste for it in spite of that," Kaidan explained, pulling the bottle from Lauren's hand and chugging several swallows quickly.
"You said it isn't helping, so why drink it? You absolutely sure it isn't whiskey in there?" Lauren teased.
"I can't let this get any worse," he said plainly. "You've seen me when I'm on the strongest drugs. I'm no good in a fight. It's like a hangover, but without the sick and pained part. Anyway, you'd know if I was really intoxicated. I lose control of my biotics and glow blue when I'm drunk. It's a surprisingly interesting benefit of being an L2." He chuckled. "Your L5 isn't nearly as interesting. I seem to remember you do get sick. And hungover."
"Oh, don't remind me." Lauren sank deep into the couch, remembering last New Year's Eve. "I was humiliated enough then."
Lauren thought she saw a devilish smile cross Kaidan's face. "You thought I had taken advantage of you," he said pointedly. "I was actually pissed when I left because all you did was get mad at me for cleaning you up and then kicked me out without a word of gratitude."
"You can fuck right off, Kaidan," Lauren growled indignantly at the allegation. "What did you expect? Breakfast? A card? Some kind of - some kind of thank you sex?"
Kaidan gagged on the drink he had just taken. "I—I never said anything like that. At all," he spluttered.
"But it was what you wanted, wasn't it?" Lauren leaned forward, pointing an accusatory finger right in front of his nose.
Kaidan squared his shoulders and looked her straight in the eye. "There might have been a fleeting moment before when I had a temptation, but not on that night, and I definitely wasn't going to try anything. I respect you, as my commander and a friend."
Lauren sat thoughtfully for a second. "Would you still respect me if I had given it to you?"
"Well, sure," he answered, followed by a sharp inhalation through his teeth. He closed his eyes as a stab of pain racked his brain.
Lauren impulsively laid her hand on his arm. As she did, he opened his eyes but didn't meet hers. They sat in silence for a few moments. "You can feel that, can't you?" she finally said.
"Yeah, I always could feel your biotics. It's pleasant, like a cool breeze through my body. Well, except that one time." He scooted a little closer to her, and Lauren removed her hand. "After you got mad at me about Rahna, that next morning, Vyrnnus had us fight. I'll never forget it. You felt like fire then, but it didn't burn, physically. To tell you the truth, I kind of got aroused."
"Kaidan!" Lauren laughingly stood up. "Maybe it's time for you to hit your bunk."
"I was a teenage boy!" Kaidan backpedaled. "I'm not aroused right now. Just let me stay here on your couch until the migraine goes. Please."
"Ok," agreed Lauren, turning for the door. Kaidan reached out and grabbed her hand. "Don't go," he said. He pulled her back down to sit with him. As she sat, he maintained his grip on her hand and closed his eyes again. "This helps."
"What do you mean?" Lauren started to remove her hand from his, but Kaidan clasped it more firmly.
"I said your biotics felt like a cool breeze. Right now that is exactly what my head needs. I don't know how to explain it, but the hum of your biotics is like a cool cloth to my brain, easing the pain away." His eyes fluttered shut as he lowered his head.
"That was an absolutely terrible come on."
Kaidan exploded in laughter. "Oh no, no, no. I really mean it." He looked up and his laughter fell quiet as their eyes locked in the dim room. Brown eyes searched blue and found a hungry gaze that mirrored his own.
"I don't want …" Kaidan faltered. Worry flickered in his eyes. Lauren clasped his other hand tightly in reassurance.
"I know," She breathed as she moved closer. "I'm here for you, but I want this, Kaidan. I'm tired of denying it. I want you. I don't want to be lonely tonight."
"Just tonight, eh?" Kaidan responded somberly. "I don't think I can do that. For whoever or whatever I used to be, I'm not like that anymore. I don't go into this sort of thing lightly."
A slight annoyance crossed Lauren's face. "I don't either, Kaidan, but I can't tell you that I love you or some other sentimental crap. I'm too preoccupied with the fact that any of us might not be here...that you might be dead 24 hours from now. Is that serious enough for you?"
Kaidan looked unsure, but he didn't let go of her hands. He thought about Ashley's encouragement. "I guess we don't always have the luxury of the future, do we?" his voice softly intoned. "And we've already ruined our careers by stealing this ship," he smiled as he closed the gap between their faces. "What's a little fraternization at this point?"
He brushed her cheek with this thumb, guiding her face toward his. Lips touched, soft, warm, and gentle. He felt her fingers tangle in his hair as the kiss intensified, the cool sensation of their biotics giving way to building heat. A quick brush of her fingers across the back of his neck sent a jolt of electricity surging through him, and he pulled away moaning loudly.
Lauren abruptly stopped. "Did I hurt you?"
"No." Kaidan ran his hand through his hair. "You hit my amp. It's, uh, been a while, and I was usually on drugs or drunk before. I forgot how sensitive that was. I- I'm a little embarrassed now. Maybe I should go."
"I need to know how your head is first," Lauren said matter-of-factly.
"It's better. Thanks." Kaidan sighed. Definitely killed the moment, he thought as she leaned away.
"Good." The reply was somewhat muffled as Lauren removed her top. "We might only have tonight."
Kaidan had seen women's military issue undergarments before, but he couldn't help but stare, his eyes taking in the whole spectacle of Lauren methodically discarding her clothes until undergarments were all she had on.
"If touching my hand helps, touching my entire body just might cure you," winked Lauren, as she turned away toward the bed.
A/N: Hello again! I am so glad to return to Lauren's story. I don't know if anyone will read this or not, and at this point, I'm writing for the sheer joy of writing again. If you have comments, I'd love to hear them. Thanks in advance, and I hope everyone is staying healthy.
