The Sith and the Smuggler – AU is going to be an understatement - (Just for you, Knitzkampf, I'm posting this one next! :)
Prologue
Bespin
Lando Calrissian took another swig of the golden liquid, shutting his eyes in bliss as the substance slowly trickled down his throat, leaving a pleasant tingle radiating throughout his entire body. He let out a long, satisfied sigh. "This is best ale in the galaxy, bar none."
"I don't know about that. Corellian whiskey – ."
The Baron's eyes opened, taking in the confused and suspicious expressions of the man and the Wookiee seated across from him. He cut off his friend with a quick retort, "Gutter water. In comparison to this… this mouthful of pure heaven, Corellian whiskey is gutter water."
"Corellian whiskey ain't gutter water," Han Solo argued, swirling the remains of his drink in the crystal goblet. "This stuff tastes okay, but I can't see why you're so worked up about it."
Lando shook his head in dismay. "You haven't got the refined palate to appreciate such things."
Glaring, Han stood up from his comfortable nerf-hide chair, which was situated across the gleaming desk of his friend. "I didn't come all this way just to have you insult me, Calrissian. Come on, Chewie. We're outta here."
"Sit down, and stop being so hot-headed," Lando ordered lightly. "I need you to do a shipping job for me."
Han refused to sit, and folded his arms across his chest. "What does it pay, and why would you call me?" The smuggler waved his hand toward the large window, where many sleek spacecrafts zipped past. "You must have dozens of employees already."
Giving a wide grin, Lando nodded. "This job is going to take someone brave and daring. Someone that can improvise on a moment's notice. Someone who claims that 'inspiration is his specialty.'"
"Flattery is free. Sounds to me like whatever this is, it's gonna cost you. Big time."
"I'm prepared to pay you one hundred thousand credits."
Han sat down with a shocked thud, and Chewie let loose with a disbelieving roar. "A hundred thousand? What kind of job is this?"
"In one week, I'm throwing a big bash to announce my engagement to the most beautiful woman in the galaxy."
"Lucky girl," Han said sarcastically.
"Yes, she is," the Baron said agreeably. He leaned forward, holding up the amber bottle. "This ale is only made on one planet in the galaxy, and shipping it anywhere besides Coruscant is strictly against Imperial Law." Lando gave a sour face. "Disgusting Imps, anyway. What makes them so special that they have to act like greedy Hutts and keep it all to themselves? I want – no, I fully intend – to serve this wonderful ambrosia to my guests."
"What's the name of the planet, Lando?"
"Nice little system called Ponty-Ack, and the planet is named Tranzam. Resort type of place. Lots of agricultural land."
"So you want me an' Chewie to go there and pick up a case of Tranzam ale and bring it back? That sounds way too easy for one hundred thousand credits. What's the catch?"
Lando rubbed his chin. "Well, it's like this… there are only two spaceports on the entire planet, and both of them have tight security."
"I could land somewhere besides a spaceport," Han said.
"You could try, but that would attract Imps faster than pincers at a picnic. The entire planet is under a blockade."
"All this for some ale?" Han asked in awe.
"Nah. There's a big wedding going on this weekend for Lord Vader's son and some princess. So that's the reason for all the heavy security."
Han rubbed his face. "Why didn't you buy this ale earlier, before the big shindig?"
"Well," Lando hedged a bit. "Serving the ale wasn't exactly my idea."
"Your fiancée?"
"You know how women can be."
"Yup, and that's why I'm never falling in love, or getting married," Han declared. "Never."
"Be that as it may, are you interested in the job?" Lando prodded.
"I can get the Falcon past any blockade there is, but I need a few more details," Han said. "Once I've landed, is someone going to deliver this stuff to my ship?"
Lando cleared his throat. "No, not exactly. You'll have to drive a hover-truck and go pick it up and get it back to the Falcon."
"How far?"
"About two thousand klicks."
Chewie gave another roar, and Han's eyes widened. "Two… thousand?
"That's how far it is from the spaceport to the only distillery that's willing to sell black market ale," Lando said defensively. "It's a twenty time-part trip there, and twenty time-parts back. No big deal."
Han did some fast mental calculations. "That's one-hundred klicks per time-part…in a HOVER-TRUCK? Are you insane?"
"So you're saying you can't do it?" Lando asked, smirking. "I guess not. I'll get a hold of Rendar. I'm sure he can handle the job, and I always suspected he had more spine that you do, anyway."
"Anything Dash can do, I can do better," Han shot back hotly. "Where am I supposed to get this hover-truck?"
Lando quickly shoved a flimsy across the glistening desktop toward Han, looking triumphant. "I've already arranged the hover-truck's rental, and it will be waiting near the spaceport. The directions to the distillery will be in the navigation system."
Han picked up the flimsy and looked at it warily. "This is a long haul, Calrissian. Chewie can drive the hover-truck, but I'll need to run interference for any Imps we run across."
"Explain."
"I'll need to rent… no, make that buy, a really fast hover-craft when we arrive on Tranzam. Then I'll drive ahead and warn Chewie about any Imp problems before he gets there, and distract them with my dazzling feats of daring-do, if necessary."
Lando pulled a credit voucher, wrote an amount on it and tossed it at the Corellian.
Han glanced at the writing, then shook his head. "Faster than that."
Gritting his teeth, Lando added to the amount, and Han finally grinned. "That should do it."
"Yes, it certainly should," Lando agreed dryly. "Oh, and one more thing. If you're not back in one week exactly, you don't get one credit of pay."
"But it'll take two days just to get to the Ponty-Ack system, even in the Falcon."
"No buts," Lando declared firmly. "Two days to get there, a little less than two days to make the pick-up, and then two days back. That gives you a bit more than an entire day to deal with unexpected delays."
"You're so generous to me."
"A hundred thousand credits is plenty generous, but the rule stands - no ale at the party, no payment. Do you still want to go?"
Han stood up, grinning manically. "You'll have your special ale, Lando. And do you know why?" He pointed a thumb at his chest. "Cuz we both know that I'm the best smuggler in the galaxy."
"I knew I could count on you," Lando said, shaking the Corellian's hand.
"There they go," Lando declared with a satisfied smile as he watched the Falcon veer away from Cloud City. "Our ale will be back in no time at all."
"You seem to have a lot of confidence in these smugglers," the woman replied. "That blockade will be pretty tight."
"Han and Chewie are the best," Lando told her. "I have faith in them."
"I'm glad," the lady said. "I wish you'd have as much faith in me… your own fiancée." She snuggled up close to him. "Lando, sweetie, please tell me where I can find my very own supply of Tranzam ale? I mean, what if something should happen to you…in the far off future, of course! You wouldn't want me to never have Tranzam ale again, would you?"
Lando gazed down at the beautiful woman in his arms. "I've told you a thousand times, dear. The old bootlegger on Tranzam trusts me not to give out his name to anyone. Han won't even know the guy's identity until he arrives to pick the stuff up." He gave a meaningful grin. "Besides, you're holding out on me, too, right? And what you're holding out on is way more personal and frustrating for me than it is for you not to know some bootlegger's name." He shut his eyes and puckered his lips, making kissy sounds.
The woman gave a hard shove away from Lando. "How many times do I have to tell you? My people of Phishipphosphate believe that a physical relationship starts on the wedding night, and not a moment sooner. Otherwise we cannot have a true, spiritual bonding which will last forever." She put her hands on her narrow hips. "Are you telling me you only want a physical relationship and not a complete bonding? Is that how you see me? You want my body but you're not interested in my mind?"
"No!" Lando said, throwing up his hands in surrender. "We've been through all this. I want us to spend the rest of our lives together, Honey-bear. I sure wish you'd be a little more forthcoming about where Phishipphosphate is located, though. I've never heard of it before, and it doesn't appear on any space maps."
"Are you going behind my back and checking up on me?"
"I was only curious, and wanted to know a bit about your history because I love you," Lando protested meekly. "Really!"
"And don't call me Honey-bear. I don't appreciate your making fun of my name."
"Sorry."
"If you must know," she replied, her tone icy. "It's not an actual physical place, it's a state of mind. My people are scattered throughout the galaxy, and our only connection is through our philosophy."
"Oh. I see," Lando said, feeling confused. Deep down, he was starting to wonder if getting engaged to a woman he'd met less than three weeks ago was a good idea. She was so defensive all the time, and seemed rather paranoid. Some of the stories she told were rather preposterous. He watched as Honey Ba'her stomped off, the primal male part of him appreciating the view. Ah, so what if she was a bit eccentric? If everyone thought exactly the same, life would be boring, and Lando hated being bored.
Two days later…
Tranzam
The Millennium Falcon shadowed an Imperial shuttle down to the surface of the planet, remaining close enough to not be detected by the Star Destroyers surrounding the planet. It was a tricky maneuver, and few pilots were daring enough to attempt it. It was necessary to stay just behind the shuttle, far enough away to avoid the engine's afterburners, yet close enough that the shuttle's pilots could not get a visual lock, and that their own sensors would have the Falcon show up as an echo. Once they'd entered the planet's atmosphere, Han then used the thick cloud cover to break away, hoping by this time the Imperials would have their attention focused elsewhere.
"Keep your fingers crossed, Chewie, or this is gonna be one short trip," Han told his co-pilot.
"Arooo," Chewie yelled back.
"I know you can't technically cross your fingers," Han shouted. "It's just an expression."
"Narrarrgh!" The Wookiee wagged his paw in Han's face. "Rearough ah varroom!"
Han's eyebrows shot up. "'Humans are nuts' is not an expression!"
The Wookiee gave more barks, nodding vigorously.
"No, I don't want to bet on it," Han returned. He jabbed his finger at the viewport. "If you don't pay attention to this landing, we'll both be another old expression… flatter than a flapcake."
"Murrorroo hemarckour?"
"Yeah, pal, I guess we can get some flapcakes after we land," Han said with a sigh. Chewie was so easily distracted whenever the subject of food came up.
Leia dabbed her eyes, and gave a loud honk into her tissue as she addressed the small holo-gram. "This isn't fair, Winter. Why is it every time Father acts irresponsibly, I have to sacrifice myself to save Alderaan? I know that the beings of the galaxy expect Prince Bail to be the daring, bold adventurer, but really, who in their right mind goes spelunking on Mustafar, anyway? Why couldn't Little Junior Vader demand someone else's hand in marriage? Why me?"
"Because you're a Princess," Winter's small, shimmering form replied patiently. "There are very few, young eligible Princesses in the galaxy. You don't want them to blow up Alderaan if you refuse, do you?"
The Princess gave her nose another noisy toot. "Empty threats. I don't believe they truly can do that, do you?"
"Well, I don't know," Winter agreed. "But it's a chance I'd rather not take." She smiled reassuringly at her friend, dressed in a long white gown. "You do look like a beautiful bride, Leia. I sure wish they'd let me attend your wedding. Have a nice day, and keep your chin up. I'm sure Prince Bail will turn up safe and sound someday. He always does."
"By then, it'll be too late for him to stop the wedding." A buzzer sounded, and Leia quickly shut off the connection to Alderaan, since she didn't want to get caught talking to Winter. "Yes?" she called out, looked toward the doorway. "Who is it?"
The door whooshed open, and a tall, towering creature encased in black armor entered the room. "Your soon-to-be father-in-law," Vader hissed out. "Are you ready for the nuptials to begin? Little Junior is anxious."
"Are you sure this feels right?" Leia asked nervously. "I know I'm not Force sensitive like you and Junior, but … but…."
Vader held up his gloved hand, flexing his fingers, which made an odd, grinding sound. "Are you questioning my judgment, missy?"
"No…no…." Leia said quickly. "What's wrong with your hand?"
Vader turned his visor to gaze at his hand. "I just lubricated my joints. I want to be limber for the reception, when we do the Twi'lek two-step." He pointed his finger in Leia's face. "You'd better be marching down that aisle on-time, Princess. I grow tired of waiting." With those threatening words, Vader spun around and stalked out of the room, leaving the flustered Princess behind.
As the Wedding March music came drifting in, her eyes flickered to the window. It was only a two story drop to the grass below. Even if she broke her leg escaping, it still would be the best part of the day.
Han nodded his approval as the dealer showed him the sparkling new, black and gold hover-car. "Is it fast?"
"Fast?" the plaid-suited Bith repeated, clutching his chest dramatically. "This craft can make zero to one-hundred in two parsecs."
"That makes no sense," Han complained.
The Bith slapped Han on the back. "Let's just say it's real fast. Fast enough for you, old man."
"Who are you calling old!?" Han yelled indignantly.
"A major chick maggot," the Bith continued on, unfazed at Han's outrage. "Females will be crawling out of the woodwork for a ride, if you get my drift."
"Maggot? Don't you mean magnet?"
"Do magnets crawl outta woodwork?" the Bith snorted merrily.
"No, actually, they don't," Han groused. "Look, I'm not interested in picking up girls. I just want a fast car."
"Then this is your new machine! You'd better act fast, or some other lucky stiff will buy it out from over you," the sales-being pushed.
"Under," Han muttered.
"What?"
"Never mind." Glaring, Han handed over the credit voucher, not bothering to haggle over the price. It wasn't his money, after all. And, despite the annoying sales-being, the hover-car was one hot looking vehicle. It even had a fancy golden falcon painted on the hood. If that wasn't a sign it was the right hover-car, nothing was.
Jumping in the hover-car, Han pressed down hard on the accelerator, and the hover-craft's big engine responded with a roar. Driving much faster than necessary, he headed down the street to the address Lando had directed the hover-truck would be located. Chewie should already be there, and waiting for his arrival.
Han skidded to a stop, his eyes blinking in surprise. Indeed, Chewie was there, waiting next to the rental. Jumping out, Han let loose with a low whistle. "Wow, pal. That's some truck."
*DO YOU EXPECT ME TO DRIVE THIS… THIS THING!?* Chewie bellowed. *We are SUPPOSED to be picking up contraband! Can this truck be anymore noticeable? Why not put flashing lights and clanging bells on the top to announce our presence?*
"Keep it down," Han whispered out of the side of his mouth. "It's not that bad."
*It has a HERD OF THUNDERING NERFS painted on the sides!* Chewie yelled. *What was Calrissian thinking?*
"He's engaged to be married. Give the guy a break. I've heard that once a female traps a male, his brain atrophies."
*Then what is your excuse?* Chewie woofed out as he climbed up into the cab.
Corran Horn was not happy.
A few short days ago, he'd been on Corellia, busily working for CorSec and keeping the galaxy free from smugglers. Then he received a comm from Imperial Governor Tarkin, ordering him to head immediately to Tranzam. Corran didn't much care for the Empire, but it was the legal government, and CorSec employees bowed to whatever orders came from Coruscant. Even if those orders made little sense. And these orders were completely senseless.
First, Corran was to allow a pair of smugglers to get past an Imperial blockade surrounding Tranzam. Then, after they were safely landed, he was to follow the smugglers at a discreet distance and allow them to get to their destination, pick up whatever contraband they were purchasing. Then, the strangest order of all – follow them back and ensure they safely got off-planet to make their delivery. After some consideration, Corran decided it must be something very important – like highly advanced weapons, or perhaps extremely rare laser crystals. He also wondered how the Empire had known that smugglers were coming to Tranzam, down to the exact day. He suspected the Empire wanted to also catch the person that had hired the smugglers with the contraband once it arrived at its final destination.
When the ship landed, Corran wasn't overly surprised that it was his long-time nemesis, Han Solo. Now, hours later from his vantage point across the busy street, he could see the Wookiee and Solo admiring a brand new hover-car and a flashy hover-truck. It sure wouldn't be too difficult to keep sight of an enormous black hover-truck with a bunch of wild nerfs painted on both sides. What was Solo thinking, anyway? Most smugglers tried to be somewhat low-key, but this crazy set-up made Corran question Solo's sanity. Maybe that was the reason Solo had eluded him for so many years – it was difficult for a sane person to predict the actions of a lunatic.
He started up his own hover-car as the Wookiee climbed inside the truck, and watched as Solo roared off in front of the truck in the hover-car at a break-neck speed. He lifted his macro-binoculars and saw Chewbacca shaking his head in dismay at his partner's reckless driving.
It was at that moment Corran decided he actually felt sorry for the Wookiee.
"Daddy?"
"Yes, Luke?"
"How come it's taking the Princess so long to come through the door?" Luke questioned as the Wedding March played on… and on. The much shorter version of Darth Vader – dressed almost exactly like his father - twisted around to look longingly down the aisle. "All the guests are getting fidgety."
Lord Vader glanced backwards, and noticed his son was correct. "The guests will remain seated as long as it takes, or they will experience the full power of the dark side of the Force." He looked down at his pride and joy, and felt a twinge of embarrassment. Little Junior Vader had insisted on wearing a wreath of white flowers placed on top of the black helmet for his wedding day. Perhaps Lord Vader could have ignored that decoration if that was the only difference in their costumes. Luke, however, also wore an extremely long black cape, with a twenty foot train trailing down the aisle. Even that Vader might have overlooked. But since Vader had located his missing son on Tatooine ten years ago (and it wasn't difficult, considering the idiots that stole him didn't change the kid's last name!) the boy had insisted on placing a large, red "S" on the back of the cape and the front chest plate. Even now, Vader could recall the argument he'd had with little Luke.
"Son, it isn't necessary for you to wear armor and a mask."
"But it shows everyone that I'm a big, bad Sith. No one will be afraid of me if I don't look like you!"
"Fine then, but do you have to put a red "S" on it?"
"Yeah," the boy had insisted, refusing to back down. "I'm SUPER SITHLY SKYWALKER! My costume should have THREE 'S's', not just two!"
Vader had hoped Luke would outgrow the desire to wear a duplicate black suit with red S's plastered on it, but alas, it was not to be.
He was vastly relieved when the boy began showing interest in females, and when Luke started collecting holo-photos of Princess Leia of Alderaan, Vader knew it was time to take his son's interest to the next level. The timely disappearance of Prince Bail allowed the Sith to insist that Princess Leia meet, and then quickly accept, Luke's proposal of marriage. Lord Vader didn't actually blame the Princess for her reluctance, since Luke had refused to remove the helmet during their 'courtship'. But Vader sincerely hoped that his son would have the good sense to take it off during their wedding night.
"Daddy?"
"Yes, Son," Vader said patiently.
"I drank a lot of julu-juice and ate hot-chips a little bit ago at the buffet table, and now I'm feeling queasy."
"Queasy?"
"You know…"
"Use the Force and suck it up," Vader ordered, wondering, not for the first time in his life, if Luke was cut out to be a Sith.
"Easy for you to say. Leia better get here real soon, or I might be hurling something besides Force-lightning," Luke muttered.
Fortunately, the Princess survived the two story drop to the ground, due in part to the large bush that broke the impact of her fall. With green leaves and various broken sticks clinging to her lovely gown, she snuck away from the rented country club. An ancient, rusting delivery truck sat alone, parked behind a large garage. The back doors were wide open, and Leia saw her opportunity. On her wobbly high-heels, she awkwardly climbed inside the refrigerated interior, and hid behind some empty containers. A few moments later, she could hear a prim voice arguing with someone.
"We have made our delivery, and it is time to go. I have no desire to witness a human wedding, and besides, we are not invited guests. If we got caught lurking, who knows what awful punishment might happen to us?"
The comment about getting caught made the Princess tremble with fear. She could imagine no worse fate than going through with a sham marriage to Little Junior Vader. He might not even be human under that mask. So engrossed in her own thoughts, she missed the reply from the being's companion, and instead only heard the voice giving the order to get inside the cab. A few seconds later, the back door lowered with a creaking groan, cutting off the outside light and leaving Leia sitting in the dark and cold interior.
The engine coughed to life, and Leia was one step closer to freedom.
"We're making pretty good time, Chewie," Han said, speaking into his comlink. So far, they'd been keeping to the main roads, and trying to blend into the local traffic, while maintaining a speed considerably higher than the legal limit. "Are you picking up any Imp signals on your ISD?" ISD was short for 'interceptor signal device' and they were used to pick up short-range scrambled Imperial and law enforcement transmissions. They were also highly illegal, but Lando had been good enough to supply one inside the hover-truck, so they could avoid the local traffic officers.
*Nothing important,* Chewie replied through the small speaker. *A lot of chatter about that big wedding between Vader's son and the princess.. It seems a member of the wedding party is missing.*
Han let loose with a loud guffaw, and joked, "Maybe the bride ran off."
*Not likely.*
"Would you want to be related to Darth Vader?"
*Good point,* Chewie conceded. *But I wouldn't want to have Lord Vader chasing me, either.*
"Yeah," Han agreed. "That would be bad."
*Han?*
"What?"
*Do you think that gray hover-car is following us?*
Frowning, Han looked into his rearview mirror. He could see nothing, and he shifted lanes to get a better view behind Chewie's hover-truck. Far back, he could see several gray hover-crafts in the distance. "Which one?"
*The smaller one, behind the first. It seems to be keeping up with us.*
"Ah, it's probably just a dura-lead footed driver that wants to use us as his front door."
*Front door?* Chewie barked out questioningly.
"You know… a vehicle that will be spotted first speeding, and be more likely to get the wrong kind of attention," Han explained.
*I suppose.*
"Yeah, don't worry about it," Han said confidently. He patted the dash of the hover-car lovingly. "This baby will outrun anything."
"Daddy?"
"Yes, son," Vader ground out as they stomped around the manicured lawns, looking behind bushes and inside storage sheds. A platoon of stormtroopers followed behind the pair, while the wedding guests were left alone, sitting in confusion and too frightened of the Sith to actually take their gifts and leave.
"Do you think Leia ran away, or did someone steal her?" Luke questioned his father, as he tagged along. "If she ran off, that would mean she didn't want to marry me. Didn't you say she was excited to marry me? I only want her to be happy. If she didn't want to marry me, she should have just said so in the first place. Right? And if she was kidnapped, then I can be her hero when I rescue her. Do you think she'll swoon when I rescue her? I've always read that princesses need a lot of rescuing. Do you suppose this will happen a lot after we're married, or are princesses only kidnapped before they get married?"
"I don't know," Vader growled.
"I'm not too sure I wanted to marry Leia in the first place," Luke said suddenly.
"WHAT?"
"This marriage was all your idea," Luke shot back petulantly.
Vader stared for a long moment at the son he couldn't fathom. "What about all those holo-stills of her in your room?"
Luke shrugged. "I don't know. When I first saw a holo-still of her, I felt some kind of connection. I never said I loved her. You jumped to conclusions."
"Why are you first telling me this now?"
"I'm thinking if she ran off, maybe we should cancel the wedding."
"Not a chance. We have a reputation to maintain." The Sith looked at the spray of flowers on Luke's helmet, and the long cape with the red "S", and wondered if it were even possible to salvage his reputation at this point. "What else can go wrong today?"
"I don't know, but the good news is I'm not feeling queasy anymore," Luke told his father.
"I can't begin to tell you how happy that makes me," Vader muttered sarcastically.
"I knew it would," Luke said happily.
The delivery truck chugged along the busy road, wisps of dark smoke coming from under the hood. "I do believe this vehicle's engine is making a banging noise," the driver told his companion as he tilted his head to one side. "Perhaps we should pull over."
The banging grew louder, and faster. "What did you say…you think the banging is coming from the back?" The driver seemed dubious. "Why would the noise be coming from there? The engine is up front, and I'm fairly certain that black smoke coming from the front is a bad sign. Do you know anything about fixing hover-trucks?"
Disgusted with the negative response, the driver pulled the hover-truck over to the side, and turned off the engine. "You are correct! That noise IS coming from the back! We should probably check it out – although I do hope it isn't anything dangerous. You go look first, Artoo."
Security guards hurriedly checked out all holo-cams, and reported back to the Sith Lord that one holo-cam clearly showed the Princess jumping out of a window of her own free will. Where she went after she left the building was anyone's guess, since the only vehicles leaving the grounds were either security or delivery hover-vans.
Vader put his hands on his hips as he pondered his options. "It is obvious the Princess has left the premises, and there is no way she simply walked out of the area. Therefore, by reasonable deduction, she must have hitched a ride with a delivery hover-craft."
The Dark Lord spun toward the squad of stormtroopers. "Get me my own security craft, and have several more security vehicles follow us as backup. The rest of you stay here, and wait for further orders."
"Isn't my daddy smart?" Luke asked the silent troopers. "He's da bomb."
Moments later, three security vehicles, with Darth Vader in the driver's seat of the lead car and Little Junior Vader sitting next to him, sped away.
Meanwhile, the wedding guests grew ever more anxious as dozens of heavily armed stormtroopers surrounded the chapel. It had been hours since the 'start' of the ceremony, and still no one dared to defy the Sith by leaving.
The little astromech droid wheeled over to the back of the hover-van, and extended its arm to open the door. The back exit had only partially lifted before a frost-covered bride leaped out, rubbing her arms and jumping up and down to warm up.
"What took you so long to stop?" Leia demanded. "I've been pounding on that wall for an hour!"
"Berroup?"
"I can't understand droid!"
"Perhaps I can be of some assistance," a tall human-shaped droid piped up as he hurried over. "Allow me to introduce myself… I am C-3PO, or Threepio for short. I am a human-cyborg relations droid, but I find myself having fallen on hard times, so I have been forced to seek employment as a hover-craft delivery droid. Oh, I cannot express the humiliation of having to accept a job so far beneath my true calling."
"Verrup."
Threepio waved his hand downward. "And that's R2-D2. This type of work suits him to a tee." He gazed at the human female. "How did you end up in back of our truck? Are you Princess Leia Organa?"
"Yes, I am," Leia said, her teeth still chattering.
"Why are you here? You should be having dried seeds tossed at you by now, although I must confess that has always puzzled me."
"I ran away."
Threepio tilted his head. "Why would you do such a thing?"
"Because I don't love Little Junior Vader," she yelled back. "Would you like to marry him?"
"I do not think that would be legal, actually…"
Leia shook her head. "We can't stand around. Someone will see me." She hurried over to the truck and climbed behind the wheel inside the cab, then pressed the 'start' button. The engine coughed and wheezed, and refused to start. "What's wrong with this thing?"
"Excuse me," Threepio protested, following her and tapping on her thigh with his metal finger. "I will get fired if I allow you to drive."
Ignoring the droid, Leia attempted to start the hover-truck a second time. This time, black smoke started billowing out from under the hood. "This truck is junk!" she stated, leaping back out.
Threepio scratched the top of his head. "I have told my Master that the engine required some work, but he wouldn't listen to me. Humans never listen to me, and they would almost always benefit from taking my advice."
"Now what am I going to do?" Leia wailed, looking around in a panic. "I can't let them catch me."
"Are you asking me for advice?" Threepio asked in surprise. "That is so kind of you. Perhaps we should call a hover-cab. Or perhaps we should call Triple XXX. That's the insurance company my Master pays credits to, although he always complains about the cost. 'Expect the Exceptional Extraordinary' is their motto. I have never had cause to contact them, but they certainly sound up to the task."
Leia could hear the roar of engines approaching from over the next hill. "I have a better idea." Then she ran into the middle of the road, and started waving her arms.
"That seems to be a dangerous plan, Princess Leia. My suggestions are much more reasonable…"
As Han's hover-car crested the hill, he blinked twice, just so he could be certain he wasn't hallucinating. Then he raised the com-link to his lips. "Chewie? Do you see what I see?"
*I sure do,* his partner woofed back. *A run-away bride if I ever saw one. It appears she requires assistance.*
"Well, I'm sure not stopping to help," Han shot back. "We don't have time to get messed up with that. And if it's that princess bride, we for sure don't want to get involved!"
*I'm stopping.*
"Don't you dare!" Han warned, but he could see in his rear-view mirror the hover-truck was already in the process of slowing down. "I guess I don't have a choice," he grumbled. "Either I hit the crazy girl, or pull over." He pulled over and Chewie stopped directly behind him.
The bedraggled bride hobbled over, and without waiting for an invitation, yanked open the passenger door of Han's car and sat down. "Is that truck with the herd of nerfs painted on the side with you?"
"Yeah," Han replied cautiously.
"Threepio, Artoo! Get into the truck!" Leia yelled over at the droids.
*No fair!* Chewie protested as he saw the droids coming toward him. *Why do you get the pretty lady, and I get the droids?*
"You deserve it for stopping," Han snapped into the comm. He glared at the young woman. "Please don't tell me you're running away from the Darth Vader wedding."
"Okay, I won't," she replied snippily, then pointed at the car. "How fast can this thing go?"
"Hang on to your tiara, Princess." Han pressed down hard on the accelerator, and the hover-car slammed them both back against the seat as it took off. "Don't call her a 'thing', 'cuz I'm getting real attached to my new hover-car. In fact, I've decided to name her 'Firebird' because of the gold falcon painted on the hood."
"How very clever of you," Leia said sarcastically. "What is it with men referring to inanimate objects as a 'she', anyway?"
"We can't very well consider them 'he'. That would be plain weird." He glanced back, and saw that Chewie had already pulled both droids inside the cab, and was starting to follow. "I hope you don't have a particular destination in mind, 'cuz I gotta warn you we're on a tight schedule and I don't plan on having any delays."
"Wherever you go, it's better than where I was," she responded. "What's your name?"
"Solo. Han Solo." He stuck out his hand for her to shake.
"Leia Organa," Leia said, taking his grip.
"Whoa…that's one mighty set of cold digits you got there. You're a regular Ice Princess, aren't you?"
She glared at him for a moment, the wind whipping her veil away and sending it tumbling off to the side of the road. "Who's driving that fancy nerf-truck?"
"My partner, Chewie," Han replied. "I'm driving lead, ready to deflect any Imperial entanglements… if you get my drift."
"Hauling something illegal?"
"Not yet," Han said with a lop-sided smirk. "Ask me again in a few hours."
"What are you getting?"
"Tranzam ale."
Leia wrinkled up her nose. "I hate that stuff."
"Each to their own."
"You can say that again, nerf-herder."
Corran had pulled to a stop when he saw his prey pulling over. He waited patiently until they were once again moving, then restarted his vehicle. He drove quickly to catch up, but then noticed something white blowing out of Solo's car. Curious, he pulled over and headed over to the object. It was a wedding veil. Corran frowned in thought. Why in the stars would Solo have a wedding veil in his new car? He was about to toss it aside when three security cars came over the hill with lights flashing. The front hover-craft came to a screeching halt, and a menacing figure dressed in all black jumped out.
Surprised, Corran Horn instantly recognized the Sith Lord as Darth Vader. "Lord Vader," he said politely, nodding in deference. "Why are you here?"
The Sith snatched the veil from the Corellian's fingers. "Where did you get this?"
"It was on the side of the road." Corran's eyes flickered over to another Sith headed in his direction, this one a minature version of the original. Except for that long cape and the decorative red "S". "It blew out of the hover-car I'm following."
"Why?" the shorter version of Vader demanded hotly.
"Why? Why what?"
"Why are you following my fiancée?" Junior asked, stomping his foot.
"I'm not following her," Corran replied, his confusion growing. "My name is Corran Horn, and I'm with CorSec. I'm following a smuggler named Solo, on the orders of Governor Tarkin."
"He's lying," Junior said, pointing at Corran. "Cut him in half, Daddy." The little Sith nodded toward Corran. "Now you're going to be sorry."
"Settle down, Luke," Vader told his son. "This man is telling us the truth."
"He is?" Luke asked in surprise.
"Don't you ever use the Force like you've been taught?" Vader asked Luke, irked.
"I try," Luke complained. "But I don't believe I'm Sith material."
"NONSENSE! You are my son. Therefore you must be the greatest Sith ever."
"That's not fair," Luke said, folding his arms across his chest. "What if I want to be an artist? Or try out for the next 'Food Holo-Net Star Chef'? Or sing opera?"
Corran clenched his jaw in annoyance. "Listen up, you two Siths. I have a job to do and I intend to do it."
"Can I do it, too?" Luke questioned Corran.
"Do what?"
"Join CorSec?"
"NO!"
"Daddy…." Luke sniffed. "The CorSec guy is being mean to me."
"I shall not allow Tarkin's orders to override what is truly important," Vader declared. "And that is to locate my errant future daughter-in-law." He pointed a gloved finger in Corran's face. "If she is now with this smuggler named Solo, you shall not interfere with us while we retrieve her." With those words, Vader stalked back to his vehicle.
Little Vader jabbed his finger into Corran's chest, and said, "So there, too!" Then he hurried after his father.
Corran watched in dismay as the security cars roared away, shrugged his shoulders and got back into his own vehicle to follow the growing parade.
"Why'd you ever agree to marry a Sith, anyway?" Han asked the Princess conversationally.
"Well, it's like this," Leia explained. "My father, that would be Prince Bail Organa, doesn't really rule the planet of Alderaan, you know, he's just sort of a figurehead. Do you know what that means?"
Han pursed his lips thoughtfully. "Someone that's paid a lot of money to sit around and look pretty?"
"Not exactly," Leia said. "Our family used to be actual rulers, but then somewhere in the past it was decided there should be an elected parliament. Talk about being paid too much to sit around." She glanced behind her shoulder. "Do you think we've lost them?"
"Lost who?"
"Those blasted Imperials. They'll be following me, and that's a given. Anyway, I don't see them, so getting back to my story. My father gets bored a lot, since he's not allowed to be the ruler. So, since he's got a lot of money and time he goes off on adventures. He once built his very own out-rigger canoe and sailed around the entire planet all by himself! Did you know that? And he's also hunted predators on the surface of Kashyyyk, which is very dangerous, and usually only male Wookiees are permitted to do those things. Do you mind if I take off this dress?"
"I'd sort of like that," Han said, grinning.
"Don't get any ideas," Leia threatened, wagging her finger at Han. "I had the brains to put on a top and shorts under this dress before I jumped out of the window. I figured it would be less conspicuous if I weren't parading around in a long, white gown when I'm running away. But then it was so cold in the back of that delivery truck I couldn't very well take it off, because then I'd have frozen to death, although that still would have been better than getting married to Junior." She yanked at the sleeves, then pulled the bodice of the gown up over her head, and her bare legs wiggled out from the hem of the dress.
Han blinked, and tried to keep his eyes focused on the road ahead, then opened his comlink and held it up to his passenger.
From under the material, she continued, "Like I was saying, my father is this big adventurer. He even has his own holo-show about it. So his last trip he decided to head to Mustafar and go spelunking. Do you know what spelunking is? It's basically going down into caves and exploring, only it's quite dangerous on Mustafar because of all the lava and fumes. But he – that's my father – swore he knew what he was doing, and it would make for a good segment for his holo-show. That was the last I heard from him, and wouldn't you know? Just when he's gone, Darth Vader shows up with his son in tow and tells me if I don't marry Junior Vader he was going to throw my aunts in prison and maybe even blow up Alderaan. Do you think it's possible to blow up an entire planet?" She jerked the gown up over her head, and frowned at the comlink. "What's that for?"
"Oh, just entertaining my partner," Han said, watching as she pushed the dress out of the hover-car.
*Was that what I think it was?* Chewie howled over the speaker. *What's the lady wearing, Han? Inquiring minds need to know.*
Threepio could be heard piping up, "I am fairly certain a Princess should not be undressing in public."
"Unfortunately, she's wearing blue shorts and a white shirt," Han admitted. "I gotta admit I was hoping for less."
*Han? According to my navi-comp, our turn-off is in one-klick, at the next left turn. That should take us up a hill to our supplier.*
At their speed, a klick went by fast, and Han leaned forward, trying to find the turn. "I don't see a … wait! There it is!"
"You're going too fast," Leia warned. "You're not going to make - "
Her protest was cut off with a high-pitched shriek as Han yanked on the throttle, and spun the hover-car hard to the left. The rear fish-tailed, and they crashed through low-hanging branches onto the narrow dirt path. "You were saying?" he asked with a cocky grin.
"Uh, nothing."
"You still back there, Chewie?" Han asked into the comlink.
*Yes, and according to the chatter on the ISD, you should probably know the Imps are on the lookout for a black hover-car with a gold falcon painted on it. It sounds like the Darth boys are on the hunt, personally. Our hitch-hiker is proving to be popular.*
"It's not my fault!" Han yelled in protest. "You're the one that stopped for her!"
Leia shook her head in disgust. "You're quite the mercenary, aren't you? Do you care about anything, or anyone?"
"Listen, sister," Han shot back. "I care about one thing… credits! And if I can get this ale off-planet and delivered in time, I'll be sitting pretty."
The Princess folded her arms across her chest, glared ahead at the winding road, and tried to remind herself that at least she wasn't married to Junior. The thought kept her from throttling the man sitting beside her.
The line of security hover-cars came to a second stop, this time to retrieve the dusty wedding dress from the middle of the road.
"Gee, Daddy," Luke said, fingering the torn garment as his father ripped it apart in rage. "Do you suppose Leia is walking around nekkid as a Jawa?"
"Jawas do not walk around naked," Vader said. "You were ten years old when I took you from Tatooine! Why do you not remember that?"
"I was very traumatized," Luke stated with a shrug. "I have magnesia when it comes to certain things."
"AMNESIA! AMNESIA!" Vader roared.
Corran rubbed his forehead. "In case you haven't noticed, we've spent so much time gathering up various pieces of wedding apparel, that we've lost sight of our target."
"He's got to be in front of us, somewhere," Luke pointed out. "Unless they snuck past us going back the other way." The smaller Sith turned to the four stormtroopers, and pointed in the direction they'd just come from. "Did you guys see anything suspicious going back thadda way?"
"No, Sir!" they all shouted in response.
"Nothing at all?" Luke prodded "One of them would've looked something like a nekkid Princess."
"No, Sir!"
"We are wasting time," Corran growled in frustration. "Every second we stand here, Solo is getting further ahead of us."
"Daddy! Corran is yelling at me!" Luke informed his father.
"We shall not allow Solo to elude us," Vader ordered firmly. "Back to the hover-cars, men… immediately!" He turned for a moment toward Corran to add, "And do not yell at Junior."
Luke gave an affirmative nod. "So there, too."
As they traveled at a breakneck speed to catch up with the smuggler, no one noticed the small dirt road on the left.
The black hover-car roared up to a ramshackle hut, and brought the car to a halt. A few moments later, Chewie pulled up behind him, and turned off the rumbling engine. Both Han and Leia jumped out and waited for the Wookiee and the two droids to walk over.
"Are you sure this is the right place?" Han questioned. "It looks like a dump."
*This is where Lando's directions brought us,* Chewie informed his partner. *Perhaps we should knock.*
No sooner had the words left his mouth, than a blaster bolt shot out from a broken window pane, barely clearing Han's scalp. The group threw themselves down flat, and Han pulled his blaster out from his holster, firing back.
"What are you doing?" Leia hissed out.
"Defending myself?"
"Maybe, and this is just an idea, we should introduce ourselves?" Leia questioned.
"Good idea," Han said. "You go over there and introduce yourself. We'll stay here until you get things cleared up."
"So I can get my head shot off, just as long as you're safe?" Leia asked sarcastically.
"That's the general idea," Han agreed. "'Sides, if whoever's shooting at us happens to be a man, he'll be less likely to fire at you….since you're a girl, and all."
*Maybe we should send the droids?* Chewie suggested.
Threepio threw up his hands. "That is a terrible, awful, dangerous idea!" He could only stare in shock as Artoo started moving toward the house. "What do you think you are doing? Get back here this instant! This is no time to play hero."
But it was too late. The little droid was halfway to the door. They all watched in fear as the droid extended his 'arm' and knocked politely. After a moment, the door creaked open, and Artoo rolled inside. The door slammed shut. Then they waited.
A few minutes later, the door reopened, and someone dressed in brown robes stepped out onto the sagging porch. He lowered the cowl from around his face, and revealed the face of an elderly gentleman with white hair. "Well, come inside," the slurred but still refined voice called out. "Baron Calrissian told me you…you'd be stopping by."
Han struggled to his feet, and stalked over, frowning in anger. "Are you the Tranzam ale bootlegger?"
"Yes, I's am," the man replied, sticking out his hand, and swaying a bit on his feet. "My name is Obis Kampbill."
Han didn't take the man's hand, but took a step back from the powerful alcohol fumes emanating from the man's breath. "Why were you shooting at us?"
"There's was only supposed to be two of you," the man replied defensively, holding up three fingers. "You's should have warned me." He peered closely at Leia. "Now that you're closer, I's must say you look mighty fa…fa..miliar, y'ung lady."
Leia smiled coyly. "I guess I am somewhat famous. My name is Leia Organa."
The man clutched his chest. "Bless the Force! I knew your father, back during the Clone War days. I's use'ta be a big-time General with the old Republic."
"Sure you were," Han said with a snort.
Leia was more polite. "Really? I've never heard of the name Obis Kampbill."
The old man leaned closer to Leia, and whispered loudly, "'Fore I's became a hermit and failed in my final task so utterly and completely that I's had to resort to making my living selling illegal booze, my name was Obi-Wan Kenobi."
"OBI-WAN KENOBI?" Leia screeched in surprise. "I've heard of you… you're a Jedi Knight! The hero with no fear!"
"No, no… wrong guy," Obis said, shaking his head as he led them inside the old house, which was just as unkempt as the outside. "I used'ta be a Jedi, but that was a long, long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away. I'm fearful an awful lot lately. That's why I became a hermit, and, you know…" He stopped talking, and buried his face in his hands as he started sniffing.
"No, I don't know," Leia said. She noticed a small kitchen area, and hurried over to make some instant kaffe. Hopefully, that would make the old man more lucid.
"Are you crying?" Han demanded, glaring at Obis, or Obi-Wan, or whatever his name was. "I don't like it when men start crying. It makes me nervous."
This only made the older man start sobbing even harder, and a few minutes later, Leia returned and patted his shoulder in a conciliatory gesture as she handed him the steaming cup of murky liquid. "There, there. Drink this down and tell us what happened that caused a great General and a Jedi to turn into a grimy old lush that makes his living selling illegal ale."
That comment caused Obi-Wan to let loose with a loud, anguished wail.
"We don't have time for that," Han interrupted, holding his fingers in his ears. "We've got to load up the booze, and get moving. Time's wasting."
*I will load up the booze with the droids, while you can stay here and listen to Obis's tale of woe,* Chewie woofed helpfully. The loud noise was hurting his sensitive hearing, and he wanted to get away from the bawling former General.
"Thank you," Obis said to the Wookiee.
"Yeah, thanks a lot, pal," Han muttered under his breath.
"The… ale is… all ready to… go," Obis hiccupped out between his crying. "It's… stored in the back… shed."
Chewie nodded, and waved for the droids to come as he hurried out to the back.
"How do you understand Shyriiwook?" Han demanded.
"I've been around the dura-crete block a few times," Obis said with a last sniff. He looked imploring at the Princess. "You look just like your mother, Force-bless her dearly departed spirit."
"You knew my mother?" Leia asked, surprised.
"Mother. Father. Brother. Yup, I knew 'em all."
"I don't have a brother," Leia declared firmly. "You have me mixed up with some other Princess Leia Organa."
"If you're the adopted Princess Leia Organa from Alderaan, I'm not mixed up," Obi-Wan said indignantly. "I watched your mother give birth to her babies, name both of you, and then up and die for no apparent reason whatsoever. I still think it might have been shock of seeing she had twins, and that they look so completely different from each other. Now, mind you, I knew right away you were a girl baby and your twin was a boy baby, even though the Old Jedi Order forbid its members from having relationships. Still, it makes one wonder where all those little Jedi came from if no one with the Force was allowed to boom-shagalaga, if you get my drift."
"Who cares?" Han grumbled, annoyed this was taking so much precious time away from his trip.
"I care!" Leia shouted. "Do you realize what's happened to me? First I almost marry a Junior Sith, and now I find out I have a brother?!"
"Almost getting married does make for an exciting day," Obis agreed with a nod.
"What happened to my brother?"
"Seconds after you were born, the two of you were taken to your new homes." Obis-the-former-Jedi pointed over his left shoulder with his right hand. "You went there." Then he pointed over his right shoulder with his left hand. "And Luke went there."
Leia's face paled. "Did you say Luke?" She spun on her toe and stared at Han. " 'Luke' is the name of Little Junior Vader."
"Ah, it couldn't be the same guy," Han protested. "What are the odds?"
"Well, if Little Junior Vader's father is Darth Vader, I'd have to say those odds are pretty dang good, because once Darth put on that suit, I don't think any sane woman would be interested in him anymore." Obi-Wan said, stroking his bearded chin in contemplation. "And, come to think of it, after he fell into that lava I'm not too sure he'd be able to boom-shagalaga anymore, if you get my drift."
"Wait a second…," Leia gasped in disbelief. "If Luke is my twin brother, and Vader is Luke's father… that means…"
"Vader is your daddy, and you nearly married your brother," Han summed up with a nod. "Wow. This really is a life-changing day for you, Princess." Han pursed his lips thoughtfully. "Let me get this straight. Sith have off-spring, so they are allowed to, um…"
"Boom-shagalaga?" Obis finished, wagging his eyebrows up and down.
"Yeah."
"Before he became Darth Vader, his name was Anakin Skywalker. He was my Jedi apprentice, but he was a very, very naughty boy. Wouldn't listen to a word I said. I should have listened to Yoda when he told me Anakin was too old to train as a Jedi."
Han decided not to ask who 'Yoda' was, because it would only increase the length of an already windy tale.
"What happened to my brother?" Leia squeaked out, still reeling from the idea she had almost married her twin.
"I took Luke to Tatooine so the nice Lars' could raise him up right proper, and I could keep an eye on him so he wouldn't wind up being a Sith. That was the task that I failed at utterly and completely, but in all fairness, it wasn't completely my fault. When I suggested it might be a good idea if we changed Luke's last name to 'Lars' after I brought him to Tatooine, stubborn Owen wouldn't hear of it. Bail didn't keep your last name 'Skywalker', did he? But you try dealing with backward sand farmers! So one day, ten years later, Vader came sneaking onto the planet one night after I'd been out having a bit of fun in Mos Eisley, and took his lightsaber to poor Owen and Beru. Then, poof, he disappeared with poor little Luke. I never even had the pleasure of telling Owen 'I told you so'. After that, what was the point in me hanging around that sand hole anymore? I took what little credits I had, and came to live out my days here, making and selling the finest bootleg ale in the galaxy."
Han gazed around the falling down shack. "It looks like you've been real successful, too."
Obi-Wan beamed with pleasure. "Thanks!"
"This just can't be possible," Leia moaned, shaking her head. "Luke is such a dimwit! How can I be related to him?"
Obi-Wan shrugged. "Perhaps Palpatine shot Force-lightning at the poor boy and scrambled his brain cells. I've heard that can happen."
"I'm going to be sick," Leia said, slumping into a ratty old chair. "Did my … I mean, did Prince Bail Organa know all this?"
"Yes," Obi-Wan stated. "Bad, bad, Bail … letting his little girl marry her own brother."
"Prince Bail is currently missing down in a cave on Mustafar, or I'm sure he would have stopped it," Leia said defensively.
"You didn't marry Luke, did you? So all's well that end's well," Obi-Wan said with a nod.
"I think we've lost Leia," Luke said sadly as the hover-cars sped along. "Do you suppose I'll have to return all the wedding gifts?"
"The guests will not dare take those presents when they leave, or they will feel the full power of the darkside." Vader craned his head to one side. "The Force is telling me we missed our turn. We will turn around and go back the way we came."
"Okay," Luke said agreeably as the hover-craft whipped around, followed closely by the two other patrol vehicles and Corran's gray car.
"Excuse me?" Corran asked over the ISD band. "Why are we heading back in the direction we just came from?"
"Daddy says the Force is telling him we missed our turn," Luke replied.
"I see." Corran paused for a long moment. "Why didn't the Force tell him this earlier?"
"It likes to play mind-games," Luke said. "The Force has a weird sense of humor." Junior giggled and turned off the speaker.
"Why did you tell that CorSec Officer the Force has a sense of humor?" Vader asked. "The Force does not find things funny. The Force is a cruel and evil master. It asks for everything, and twists its gifts to suit its own desires."
Luke thought about that for a bit. "So, for all intense porpoises, the Force is a bad thing?"
"Intense…?" Vader realized what his son really meant. "INTENTS AND PURPOSES! INTENTS AND PURPOSES!" Vader shouted at the top of his lungs. "Why are you such a dunderhead?"
Junior twisted his helmet to peer at his shoulder. "I do not have dunder on my head."
Vader sighed and gave up.
Han nodded in satisfaction as he helped Chewie hoist the last crate of ale into the hover-truck. "That's the last of it." He glanced at his wrist chrono. "Almost on schedule, too."
Leia looked imploring toward the old man who was standing on his rickety porch, waving. "I hate leaving him here all alone. Maybe we should take him with us?"
"No!" Han shouted in horror. "We've already picked up enough extra baggage on this trip."
"I don't appreciate being called 'baggage,'" Leia snapped out. "At least I'm not a scruffy looking pirate with more ego than brains!"
"I've got plenty of brains, Sister," Han shot back. "Although I've got to admit, stopping to pick you up wasn't the smartest thing I've done lately."
Threepio raised his hand. "I feel that Artoo and I have been earning our keep, if I do say so myself. Manual labor is generally not my forte."
The old Jedi suddenly hurried over to the group. "I sense a coming storm. You'd better leave, and take the back road route until you get completely around to the far side of the lake. You'll see a brick hotel, and turn to the right. That road will take you up a hill and down a hill and up another hill, and when you see a big old brown kow named Hownow standing by the intersection, turn left. Then go about five more klicks and turn left, which will take you right back to the main highway."
"Did you get all that?" Han questioned Chewie, who just shrugged.
Threepio peered up at the sky. "Storm? I don't see any clouds at all, and Artoo has a built-in nav-barometer, which he says is not indicating any change in the weather."
"That's not the type of storm I'm talking about," Obi-Wan told the droid.
*A kow?* Chewie woofed out. *How do you know a brown kow will be standing right in that exact spot when we need to see it?*
"Where else would Hownow the brown kow be standing?" Obi-Wan asked, looking puzzled. "It's not like it has anywhere else it needs to go." He turned to Leia and Han. "I must stay here and face my old student. It will give you the time you need to get safely away."
Leia put her fingers up to her mouth as the implication of the old Jedi confronting the Sith occurred to her. "General Kenobi! Will Darth Vader…?"
"Yes," Obi-Wan said grimly as he watched Chewie push the two droids into the cab and climb inside. "He'll be wanting to taste some of my famous ale, and I won't have a drop left to give him. That won't make him a very happy Sith."
The Princess threw her arms around Obi-Wan and gave him a hug. "It sure was nice meeting you, even if you've shattered my illusion of belonging to a normal family, and I'll undoubtedly have to undergo years of psycho-therapy to regain the slightest hope of personal inner peace and happiness."
"You're very welcome," Obi-Wan said. "Now, run along and let me deal with your father and sibling. And always remember to keep walking on the sunny side of the street, because that way you'll avoid the dark side."
"Are you talking about shade, or the Force?"
"Either one, either one," Obi-Wan said wisely.
Han jumped into the flashy hover-car and yelled over, "Hurry up, Princess, or you'll be walking home."
"Ohhh, I hate that man," Leia muttered, glaring in Han's direction as he revved up the engine.
"Love and hate are often confused," Obi-Wan said with a smile. "The Force is telling me you'd like to boom shagalaga with Captain Solo."
"General!" Leia shouted, mortified, her eyes flicking back to the car and hoping Han hadn't over-heard that last comment. "He's the last man in the galaxy I'd… I'd…"
"You mean you'd rather boom with Luke?" he asked, rather surprised.
"No!"
"Palpatine?" Obi-Wan suggested in horror.
"No!"
"Me?" he inquired hopefully.
"NO! Never mind. I guess I was wrong. He's not the last man in the galaxy I'd… I'd…," Leia yelled as she ran toward the waiting hover-car. "Good-bye, General! May the Force be with you!"
The hover-car sped away, hurrying to catch up with Chewie's truck.
Obi-Wan sniffed as he watched them leave. "Fine. Be that way, then."
Lord Vader turned on his signal indicator so the three vehicles behind him could see where he was heading. As soon as they were zooming along the narrow road, Vader shuddered. "There is a presence here that I have not felt in a long time."
"I'd like to be able to do that. Just look at a wrapped box, and without even shaking it, know exactly what's inside. If it's something lame, like socks, I could Force-choke the giver before I even open it. Can you teach me to sense presents, Daddy?"
Vader's fingers tightened around the steering wheel until the dura-plasteel cracked. "Yes, Luke. I will teach you how to sense presents. That will be a useful skill as a Sith."
"Wiz."
"In the meantime," Vader hissed out, "I do believe my old Master, Obi-Wan Kenobi, is located up ahead. It is all his fault you were hidden from me as a child, and now he will pay, pay… PAY!"
"How much are you going to charge him, Daddy?"
Vader did not say aloud, but he did think the traitorous thought, I'm going to leave Luke with him. That would certainly be the ultimate payback. "I haven't decided yet."
They pulled up to the falling down house, and Vader jumped out of the hover-car. "Show yourself, old man!" he roared toward the hut.
In the meantime, Corran walked up, looking around the dumpy grounds. "I see lots of footprints, including a Wookiee. They've certainly been here, but once again, we've missed them. We should get going. Maybe they're not too far ahead."
Luke knelt down to look closer at the footprints. "Here's a dainty footprint. I'll bet anything that's Leia. I see a couple of droid prints, too." He grinned up at Corran. "See? I'd be good at working for CorSec, huh?"
"Sure," Corran replied cautiously.
The front door creaked open, and an old man stepped out holding a silver tube. "It's been a long time, Little Ani."
"Do not call me by that name," the Sith demanded, pulling out his own lightsaber.
"Hey," Luke said, pointing at the old Jedi. "Didn't you used to follow me around back when I was little and lived on Tatooine? That really creeped me out. I remember telling Aunt Beru about you, and she told me to ignore you, but Uncle Owen encouraged me to throw rocks at you if you got too close. Do you remember that stink bomb someone tossed inside your cave? That was me!"
Obi-Wan wagged his finger at Luke. "That was a very naughty thing to do. Something Ani would have done, for sure." He looked back at Vader. "You must be so proud of your son."
"Where is she?" Vader hissed out.
"Could you be a little more specific?"
"Princess Leia," Vader clarified. "My future daughter-in-law."
"Only part of that statement is correct," Obi-Wan declared. "And I'm not going to tell you which part, either. You'll have to figure it out for yourself."
"You speak in riddles, old man. Your powers have grown weak, and now I will show you the true power of the dark side!"
Obi-Wan turned on his lightsaber, and nimbly jumped off the porch. "I always knew we'd duel to the death, Ani."
"Have you ever seen a lightsaber fight?" Luke whispered out of the side of his mouth to Corran. "It's totally wiz. Just stay out of the way, or you might lose a branch, or something even more important."
"A branch?" Corran questioned, confused.
"HE MEANS A LIMB!" Vader yelled without looking back at the two younger men.
"You should know about losing limbs, Ani," Obi-Wan taunted. "I pruned you up real good back on Mustafar."
"That's it!" Vader roared in disgust as his red blade hummed to life. "This is the very last time you will ever call me that girly name again!" Vader flipped over the Jedi, and disappeared as he ran behind the house.
The Jedi appeared startled, then yelled, "Not that! Anything but that!" as he rushed to follow his old nemesis.
"Did Daddy just run away?" Luke asked in shock.
"Come on, let's see where they went," Corran said.
Both younger men hurried behind the home, just in time to see Vader slashing madly at a wide array of dura-steel buckets and curving pipes with his lightsaber, while Obi-Wan Kenobi was on his knees, sobbing his heart out.
"My stills! He's ruining my stills! I'll never be able to afford to replace all that equipment, and what will I have to drink with my meals?" He gave another loud wail. "Darth Vader is so… so EVIL! It's not a wonder he almost married off his daughter to his son!"
Vader turned away from his carnage to regard the old man. "What did you say?"
"Nothing, never mind," Obi-Wan sniffed out, waving his hand toward the Sith. "I didn't say a word."
"Do you honestly believe your mind games will work on me?" Vader sneered. "The Princess is my long-lost off-spring! Your failure is complete, old man."
"Yucky, yucky, yucky," Luke said, leaning over and making loud retching sounds. "I told you I didn't want to marry her, Daddy! I'm feeling faint." He turned to Corran. "You don't happen to have smelling salts on you, do you?"
"Uh, no," Corran said, wondering how the little Sith would be able to use smelling salts while wearing a helmet.
Vader signaled for Luke and Corran to follow him as he headed back to the hover-cars. "Now I have even more reasons for catching the Princess. She's my child! Perhaps I can turn her to the dark side."
"That's not fair," Luke bitterly complained as he followed his father. "I liked being an only child. Now I suppose you'll like her better than you do me." When Vader didn't respond, Luke tugged on his cape. "Daddy? Does this mean I'll have to share all those presents with Leia? I was sort of looking forward to opening them all by myself, and she's the one that ran off."
"You can open the presents by yourself," Vader told his son.
"If someone gives me socks, can I Force-choke them?"
"Who would give someone socks for a wedding present?" Vader questioned.
"But if they do, then can I Force-choke them?"
"That would be greatly appreciated, I'm sure," Vader replied.
"I love weddings," Luke declared. "In fact, I can't wait until my next one."
"Perhaps we still have time to cut them off at the pass," Vader told Corran as he climbed back into his hover-car.
The CorSec officer shook his head, and pointed straight ahead, not the way they'd come up to the old Jedi's home. "When they left, they headed in that direction."
"How can you tell?" Junior asked eagerly.
"Do you see those fresh leaves on the ground?" Corran asked, pointing at the trail. "That shows me that a large hover-truck headed in this direction, and it knocked some of the lower hanging leaves off their branches."
"You are simply amazing!" Luke gushed. "Isn't he amazing, Daddy? That's why I want to be a CorSec officer. Then I could amaze myself, too."
"That shouldn't be too difficult," Vader muttered under this breath as he turned to Corran. "The security officers will return in the direction we just came from, and set up a road block on the main highway. We will attempt to catch them on these back roads."
"Can I drive this time, Daddy?" Luke asked, jumping up and down on his toes. "Please?"
"No," Vader rumbled. "You never keep your eyes on the road, and you're too easily distracted."
"But I'll be better this time," Luke said, entwining his gloved fingers. "How can I ever get better at something if you don't let me practice?"
"Fine," Vader relented as he shifted over to the passenger seat. "But you will obey my instructions precisely. And keep your eyes on the road, and your hands on the steering wheel."
"Great!" Luke yelled happily as he jumped in the driver's seat. "Try to keep up, Corran."
Corran wasn't too certain this was a great idea, but he knew better than to argue with a Sith Lord. Governor Tarkin wouldn't be very happy if he messed up his assignment, and it wasn't likely he'd be able to point a finger at Darth Vader as the reason for his failure.
