Early evening. April. Commander Fred Waterford's house .
6 pm
She looked at her reflection at the mirror one last time, tucked away a tiny strand of hair into her neat and tidy bun and flattened out her steel blue dress, which was bringing out her green blue eyes so well. She absolutely had to look her best, which she later found, was an ironic thought, because after all, tonight won't be about her. That was the whole point. But still, Serena Joy couldn't look anything less than immaculate tonight, or any other night, in front of the Commander. She looked down and her hands were slightly shaking again, she still couldn't tell exactly why. Was it worry, anxiety, jealousy, or perhaps a mix of all the three?
After all those years, it never got easier. Actually, if anything, it has gotten way more complicated now. The stakes are now the highest they have ever been. With the memory of the mishappenings of the previous Offred still fresh around the house. She wasn't dumb, she knew the Marthas were still talking about it whenever she turned her back. And could she blame them? The image of that poor woman's limp body hanging from the chandelier must have been truly traumatizing for Cora, the Martha who discovered her body first. And even though the incident has never been brought up since that day between her and the Commander, she knew better than to simply dismiss it and pretend this tragedy has never happened. The idea of the Commander having had an affair with the previous Offred revolts her more than she cares to admit. And she had developed this irrational fear that history might repeat itself again with the new Offred. And after all, maybe this fear was not that irrational, she was attentive enough to catch the Commander's sly glances at Offred whenever they were in the same room.
She then quickly shrugged away these vicious thoughts and stood bolt upright in front of the mirror as she sprayed a hint of musky perfume behind her ears, the Commander's favorite. She hated it when her brain did this, when it gave in to the weakness of her feelings, when it lost sight of the big picture. After all, she knew better than to surrender to normal earthly feelings, because she understood a long time ago that it's always feelings that ruin everything and make her deviate from her true ultimate goals, the ones she had so fervently fought for in the days pre-Gilead. She took a deep breath and she finally came to her senses. She reminded herself of the one thing that mattered, of her only way out of this insufferable misery. A baby. The baby. It has become her only solace. She was clinging so tight to the idea that a baby is the only thing that will stop all this nonsense, that will fix everything, that will give all this suffering a meaning.
7 pm
She went down the stairs as soon as she heard Commander Fred's heavy footsteps. He came home late tonight as well, just like every day for the past couple of weeks. Work has been pretty intense lately at the ministry, according to the Commander.
He put on a smile on his face when he saw Serena coming down and dropped a gentle kiss on her left cheek.
"You're late…again." she said, trying her best not to make it sound like an accusation. "Dinner's ready. Let's go. "
They both headed towards the dining table and sat across from each other as the two Marthas have just finished serving dinner.
"Praise be" uttered the Commander and his wife at the same time as the Marthas walked away towards the kitchen.
They had to be grateful for what was on their plate, some wilted green beans and tuna. It was surely not an everyday meal. Fish has become such an expensive rarity now and has practically gone extinct from overfishing and ocean pollution back in the pre-Gilead days. Now the only fish you can find has been farmed in tanks and tastes of mud.
They chewed quietly on their food before the Commander broke the silence.
"We're still working very hard on that trade deal with the Mexicans. For a moment they started getting cold feet. It must have been because of that last European report about some alleged violations here in Gilead. You know, female rights and all that stuff? But we still hope we can seal the deal. I was thinking of inviting some Mexican delegates over for dinner next week"
"That would be very nice. Let's hope that things might turn in your favor"
"How was your day dear? "He asked after realizing that he might have bored Serena with all that politics talk. After everything, this talk is not a woman's business. In fact, except for the Aunts, women in Gilead are not even supposed to know how to read. He just still couldn't fully let go of the thought that Serena was nothing but a dull Wife among all the other Wives, who had no other interest but knitting and gardening, and who dreamt of nothing else than having a child. She used to be a passionate activist and she even wrote a book. But that was before the takeover, that was an eternity ago…
"Well, I went to see Naomi Putman. She needed some help with all the preparations for the baby. Her Handmaid is expected to give birth in two weeks. You should have seen her walking around all happy and excited. She said it feels as if a thousand tiny butterflies are dancing in her stomach."
Fred could sense the envy in his wife's cracked voice whenever she talked about Naomi Putman. He grabbed her hand across the table and tried to sound as reassuring as he possibly could. He looked her in the eye and said:
"You will feel that too, very soon. I am sure of it."
Serena smiled back at him and got up. She went to sit on the sofa and nervously lit a cigarette as she watched the Commander retreating to get ready. She couldn't help but feel a little sad for how things between her and Fred have become lately and for how they somehow drifted apart from each other along the years. She felt like he was a stranger now. The only things they talked about over dinner now was gossip from the Wives or some occasional complaints about the servants. She missed the time before Gilead where she felt they were fighting for the same cause. But now she felt betrayed. She felt trapped in a prison of her own undoing. She was constrained to live a dull life but couldn't even allow herself to complain about it because wasn't this what she wanted and fought for all along?
8 pm
She then headed to the kitchen where Rita, the second of the two Marthas, was putting away the groceries.
"Have you seen Offred?" she asked.
"In her room. She has just finished bathing and dressing up."
"Could you please go summon her? Tell her we are starting the Ceremony in 20 minutes. "
Serena realized she could barely handle her angst at this point. After all, the thing that was so nerve racking about the situation was not the Ceremony ritual itself, but the fact that this was a new Handmaid. The unpredictable always unsettled her. She liked to have control over things and people, at least around here in the house. And this new Offred has been intriguing to say the least, since her arrival. However, Serena still did not quite understand the real reason yet. She wished there was something that Offred had done or said that would justify these doubts that were haunting her, but the truth is that there weren't any.
If anything, Offred has been very obedient since her arrival. She has been quite helpful around the house, did the daily groceries exactly as she was asked to do, and took part in prayer time. But something about her gave off that she wasn't happily doing all of these tasks out of strong conviction, but rather because it was her only destiny, and she was completely helpless in front of it. She was complying because it was her only way to survive. She had no other choice. She often wondered how Offred felt about all of this, what she thought once she was alone in her room. Did she finally get to take off this mask that she seemed to be wearing so well around anyone here? Sometimes she even caught herself wondering what Offred thought of her, if she understood Serena's distress or if she actually hated her for making her go through this. But why did that matter anyway, she asked herself? Wasn't this Handmaid here just for the one specific mission? Offred's true intentions and feelings were of little interest to her as long as she helped them conceive a child. Isn't that all she was good for in everybody's eyes here?
8:20 pm
She put down the little baby hat she was knitting and went up to the master bedroom. Her presence was not necessary per se, but it has highly recommended. "Intramarital" intercourse was common practice because it was said to discourage adultery. The commander also insisted on her presence on many occasions. But deep down, she wished she could have skipped it. She much rathered not have to be there and watch the whole scene with the Handmaid's head laying between her legs while they were holding hands. It was mostly painful to watch. But it was necessary, she reminded herself. This was the personal sacrifice she had to do.
She walked into the room and found Offred waiting. She was seated on the edge of the bed. She was probably just as tense as Serena was, but tried to look indifferent, like this was just another daily task she had to check off the list before going to bed. She obviously wasn't enjoying this either. When she saw Serena was looking at her, she gave her a faint presumptuous smile, as if to assert her dominance at this moment, that this was about her, that she had something Serena doesn't have and cannot give the Commander.
The door opened and the Commander walked in. He greeted them and then grabbed the Bible from on top of the fireplace and they all began saying the prayer. That's how the ritual usually started.
"And when Rachel saw that she bare Jacob no children, Rachel envied her sister; and said unto Jacob, Give me children, or else I die."
At this moment, Serena thought she would rather die.
The ceremony did not last as long as Serena was dreading, thankfully.
And as soon as it finished, Fred walked out of the room, zipping his trousers on his way back. He headed to his study where he usually stayed until very late at night and left the two women still in bed with all their thoughts. Serena finally let go of Offred's hands and that's when she realized that she has been clutching them very tight all along. Offred stood upright and began adjusting her clothes, with a visible look of disgust on her face. She must have been feeling dirty, filthy, as if she had been used, as if she had been betrayed. But wasn't she specifically trained for this, thought Serena? She was a Handmaid and that was her function in Gilead. She couldn't allow herself to feel any compassion for her. How could she? When the memory of the scene that just took place made her hate Offred with a burning intensity all over again.
She was about to get up, when she noticed that Offred was standing still by the door on her way out. Serena couldn't really tell how long she had been frozen there. She wasn't sure what to do, until Offred turned to face her and broke the silence.
"I know that you know everything about her. could you please tell me where she is. Look, I know I am asking for a lot. I promise I just want to check is she is doing okay"
Serena was in complete disbelief after hearing this. She knew very well what Offred was talking about. She chose to lie instead.
"I have no idea what you're talking about".
Offred looked very hesitant. She probably just started realizing now how extremely dangerous is what she just did. There were so many different scenarios this could end up in and none of them looked good for Offred. At best she would be handed over to the Guardians, and at worst she could be hanged in public. She managed to muster up her courage and speak.
"I overheard you talking to the Commander the other day. I want to know what
happened to Hannah. I want to know what happened to my daughter."
Serena tried her best to stay put, but this completely took her off guard. She did not know if she should be mad and scold her for eavesdropping on her and the Commander, or if she should remind her that she was the servant and that she has no right to ask for anything, or if she should threaten her to report this to the Commander, or worse to the Guardians of Faith. She had no idea how to react to this.
"You are a Handmaid. You have no daughter. Now I will not discuss this anymore with you. You shall go to your room immediately. "
She knew very well about Hannah, or rather Agnes. That was the name her new family have given her. She was separated from Offred when they had been caught trying to escape to Canada when the takeover happened. Agnes was then given to this new family and Offred was taken to the Rachel and Leah Center where she would be trained to become a Handmaid, as all fertile women who break the law do. So Offred must have known very well that that was not her daughter now. That was what the Aunts must have taught her during her training to become a Handmaid. Her past life no longer exists. And now her only duty is to conceive children for the Wives who are incapable of it. She was transgressing the rules by asking for such things. And if the Aunts or the Guardians were to know about it, she would be punished.
"Please Serena, I am begging you. Please, try to be understanding. I will do all you would like me to. I am just asking for this one small thing. "
It was the first time she looked her in the eyes or called her by her name and not Ma'am. So now she was also disrespecting her. This infuriated Serena even more. She already hated Handmaids more than usual the night of the Ceremony, when she forcibly had to watch her husband try to impregnate Offred. And now with this, she just wanted Offred to disappear from her sight, she couldn't stand her there in front of her asking for answers that were none of her business. Who did she think she was?
She wanted to yell at her, to put some reason into her stupid little brain, to tell her how much she disappointed her, how hard she should be punished for this. But no words could come out of her mouth.
Offred understood that she was not getting much out of this and that she had taken a risk that was not worth it. And now she will definitely have to deal with the consequences of her disobedience. Upon realizing this, with tears falling down her face, she started apologizing.
"I am so sorry. Please forgive me. I had a moment of weakness. Please don't tell the Commander about it. I won't ever mention this again."
Seeing Offred cry in front of her moved something inside Serena. She was very confused. All this was very strange. It was the first time she felt this way for someone else in a really long time.
It was the knowledge that Offred was crying for her child that broke Serena. It was something she could understand. It was something she could relate to. The desperation of motherhood. Wasn't motherhood the only thing she has been chasing all these years? Wasn't the desperation of holding a baby in her arms her only catalyst in life? How could she be mad at Offred when she was just asking about a child of her own that they forced her to give away?
Offred was on her way to leave the room, flushed with embarrassment about what she had just done.
"Wait…" screamed Serena at her.
But what was she going to say? What was she thinking of? She surely wasn't going to offer to help Offred, a Handmaid above all else. She hated her, didn't she? Or maybe she didn't, she just hated the fact that Offred had something she didn't. And she let that be the only reason why she treated her so poorly all this time. She was very jealous of her.
"Yes, I know where she is. I can tell you. But you have to promise me you won't tell anyone that I helped you find her. You understand that will bring only trouble for both of us, right? "
"Yes, it will stay a secret. You don't have to worry about a thing. I promise. Thank you so much. I don't know what to say… "
She was still crying but this time it was tears of joy and gratitude. Serena scribbled down the name of Agnes' new family and where they lived.
"What do you plan to do now? "
"I don't know yet… I just wanted to check on her. I just wanted to know if she has grown up, what does she look like now… I probably can't even talk to her without raising suspicion, I don't know, I didn't think of it yet."
"You should find her and run away, the two of you. Maybe try to go to Canada, isn't that where her father is now "
"Yes, Nick, yes, he managed to escape to Canada, but… "
"Yes, go find him. I can arrange for everything. You can leave tomorrow early morning before the Commander wakes up."
Offred was so appalled by what she just heard. But so was Serena. She fought so hard for Gilead establishment, she helped her husband plot so much for the takeover, she had been a fierce advocator of the Bible values and gave so many speeches to promote them among the people. And now, she wants to help a Handmaid, one of the lowest ranking people in Gilead, escape her religious obligations and desert the country. She could not believe how she could do such a thing.
But then again, what was all the fight she had done good for anyway? Just so she could become a trophy wife and sit home with all her Servants and wait each night for her husband to come home. That is not what she fought for. For a long while, it seemed to her that the only way that could alleviate this feeling of betrayal and uselessness was if she became a mother. But now she realized more than ever that's not what she wanted either.
"Can I come along with you too? I don't want to stay here anymore"
Offred looked at her with hopeful eyes and gave her a genuine comforting smile.
