Hey Everyone! This is a new one for me. It has been a while since I have written anything, and it takes me a long time to fall in love with characters and their relationship. Admittedly, when it happens, it happens hard and fast. So here is a shot at Elizabeth and Philip from The Crown. I loved their earlier years, but this one scene struck me so deeply and no podcast I listened to followed up with it. So here it goes….

Disclaimer: I own nothing, but my own imagination of what I sometimes twist into my own reality. Peter Morgan owns this depiction, but of course Elizabeth and Philip own themselves.

Episode Reference: Season 3 – Episode 9 – "Imbroglio"

Back to this place? This existence where my own insecurities take over every part of my being. I am almost glued to my spot in our sitting room. As I stand here, my feet feel heavy and I can no longer pull them into any form of movement. He does not even realize what he said. In this very moment, I realize he has no concept of how much he has hurt me in the past.

It is in the past, I tell myself. It really is. It is not often I think of Philip in that light. Time really does heal all wounds. I can remember a time when it is all I thought about. Where was he? What was he doing? Who was he with? Was he going to come home? Was he even thinking about me when he acted in ways of pure betrayal? Acted in ways that he knows would break me into a million pieces.

I don't break, I remind myself. I take it. I take all the hurt and all the humiliation and stuff it in a tiny box out of my mind. I carry on and I carry strong. Of course, over the years, it has gotten easier. Philip has grown into the man I always hoped he would become. He is now strong, steady and confident. He is no longer lost. He knows exactly where he wants to be. Fortunately for me, he proudly holds that place by my side, support unwavering.

We have grown. The both of us have turned into people we admire. I think he finds my confidence sexy. Even I recognize that I have become more confident – in my role as queen, my role as a mother and dare I say, my role in the bedroom.

But today, here I stand back to this place where I am reminded of what our marriage looked like 15 years ago. I am reminded of that insensitive man he once was. It started as a simple conversation about Prime Minister Heath and how Philip felt he lacked a certain amount of trust because he never married. Ironically, Philip was married. He had a family. Was that enough to make him trustworthy?

I expressed how sad it was for Mr. Heath. Philip's reaction brings me back to the present. "There you are." He says as he walked over to me. "When you find the right one, snap them up." He gives me that sexy smirk that I often pretend I don't notice, but I do. I always do. He reminds me that it is a good theme for my speech I am apparently making to mark our 25th wedding anniversary. He reminds me that he did it for our 10th anniversary. "Something of a triumph, as I recall." And it was just that – a triumph. That was the turning point in our relationship.

So, imagine my shock when such a simple statement, that I know means absolutely nothing to him, shakes me to my core. "You don't love a girl like Camilla Shand. She is a bit of fun, a welcome distraction from the rigors of the navy." I unconsciously cross my arms and stare in almost disbelief. Yes, we are now talking about Charles, but I cannot help but think of Philip and the ugly comparison he just made. "The first few months can be pretty tough." I am still staring in utter disbelief that he can talk so openly about it. I immediately think of Philip, handsome in his uniform, needing comfort because the navy was so tough. He said it himself – a welcome distraction. How many members were on his welcoming committee? I feel like I am going to be sick.

I do not believe it is intentional, but the hurt I am feeling is unmeasured. I cannot grapple with it and before I can stop, I start forming the words that I cannot take back. "I would like to think our son won't make the same mistakes of his father. I would like to think he knows the difference of what love is and what a distraction is." I can hear the anger in my voice. I know Philip can hear it too because his eyes turn soft and he starts to stand up and face me. "I would like to think he knows better." I turn my back and head toward my bed, not wanting to look him in the eye. I do not want him to see my hurt. After all, it was years ago. I should be over it by now.

I feel his presence as he follows me. I feel his touch as he tugs at my hand to turn me around to face him. "Lilibet." He breathes out in a whisper.

And I see it. For the first time in 25 years of marriage, I see it. I see the guilt in his eyes. I see the remorse written all over his face. I see the grown man I will love to eternity. I can tell he wants to speak, but I can't have it. I cannot deal with the apologies. I cannot deal with the pain because I lived through enough humiliation for the both of us in those years to last a lifetime. So instead, I put my head down, look toward the brocade carpet, and give his hand a light squeeze.

I know that even though time heals all wounds, even the deepest ones, the hurt will always be there. I can bury it. I can live with it. I can push it away for one reason, and one reason only. I love this man beyond measure. I can recognize his love for me has grown over time. So instead of hashing up the past, I look forward to the future. "Come to bed, Philip."

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