A/N: Okay, so if I still have any readers left I just want to say a huge thank you! This story needed a lot of editing and while I'm sure it's still not perfect I went back through each chapter in an attempt to fix it up. While it's not necessary to go back and reread, I did a lot of detail and had some minor changes that some of you might appreciate. Now, as for moving forward...I gift you with a hot mess of an angsty chapter. Been longing to really dig in and write something like this for ages and the moment finally arrived. Like something, don't like something, feel free to let me know in a review! Hope you all enjoy. ;)
Chapter 16: What's Left?
A lot of the students had enjoyed celebrating the Quidditch victory over the Slytherin team the day before, but three Gryffindors in particular didn't have quite as much fun as the rest of their friends. Dean, Ginny, and Harry had all disappeared after the match. Ginny had forced her way through to the her four-poster bed and had a good cry, Dean had simply gone to his own bed and stared at the bed's canopy as he wondered why he'd let himself be led along by Ginny, and Harry...well, suffice it to say Harry was even more of a mess than the other two. He had attempted to find Luna for a while, but nobody seemed to know where she had gone and he couldn't find any trace of her himself. After that had failed, he had gone to find Hermione hoping he would be able to talk things over with her. As it turned out though, Ron had for some reason decided to have a snogging session with Lavender Brown after the match which had hurt her feelings something fierce. Instead of getting help from his friend, he did his best to comfort her and tried to ignore the pain and hollow feeling that was starting to gradually grow within him. By the time Hermione had calmed down he felt like a shell of himself, and stayed in the empty room when she went back to go and work on her homework. In her opinion, that was a distraction worth diving into and he didn't have any better ideas so let her go. Finally alone, he well and truly began to break down.
It started with his brain playing the memory of the look on Luna's face over and over, wearing him down until it broke through his walls and began to twist through him like a poison. Harry had hurt her, and even if she one day forgave him for the kiss he wasn't sure he would be able to forgive himself for hurting her the way he had. She had trusted him, even warned him about Ginny's crush, and he had let her down. While it wasn't the first time he had made a serious mistake, this time he thought it might have the most dire consequences. With Luna he was finally starting to feel comfortable with himself and others because together they made each other feel like they could branch out and be themselves. They could laugh, kiss, talk about serious things, or simply enjoy some time being close to each other as they did different things. Now even the happy memories were tainted with the look of pain in her vulnerable blue eyes as she watched them kissing, and it made a pulse of pain shoot through him like somebody was poking him over and over with a hot iron. He'd honestly rather face the cruciatus curse than have to think about that pain he'd caused.
For a brief moment, he thought that maybe he should remove the memory and store it in Dumbledore's pensieve. Perhaps with time away from it he'd be able to move forward and come back to it at a later date with a better coping strategy. He knew that Dumbledore would probably tell him it was a very mature way of handling things and he was more than happy to help. However, that felt disrespectful to Luna. She had trusted him and in turn he'd failed her by letting Ginny kiss him, so no matter how great the option of removing the memory was it would essentially be letting him get off scot-free. Harry didn't want to torture himself, but that didn't seem like the right thing to do at all. He felt like he was drowning and didn't know which way was up, everything was dark and there was no more the light Luna cast on everything to help guide him out of his problems. This time he was alone, well and truly...which was when the fear began to take root.
Now the fear went about its work in a clever way, beginning by making him fear what his friends would have to say when they saw him. Hermione would shun him, saying that he should have known better than to try and comfort a girl after a break-up when he knew that she had a crush on him. It was purely irrational and he really should have expected it and avoided the situation altogether. Ron would feel betrayed and tell him as much, saying he never should have become Harry's friend if he was going to repay years of friendship by kissing his little sister. Not only kissing her, but also saying unkind things to her after the fact, essentially ending their friendship. Neville would simply stop speaking to him, saying that he should've been the Chosen One if this was how Harry was going to behave. Ginny would look at him with a cold hate, saying that he was the reason Dean and her had broken up in the first place. All she had left was the opportunity to take a chance on him and instead he had rebuffed her, making her think that maybe she'd been better off with Dean to begin with. Then there was Luna. Beautiful, smart, whimsical, kind, incredible Luna. Of all the people he'd known she had been the only one that he could talk to about anything with and not fear being judged. She had started to become his rock, and he had been trying to learn how to do the same for her. Instead he had trampled on the delicate trust they had begun to build up, everything ripped to shreds in the wake of something that was easily avoidable. She had told him about Ginny's crush, but he hadn't taken the unspoken hint that went with it of being careful around her. Now here he was, alone and he had nobody to blame for it but himself. Would he ever find a way to get Luna to speak to him? Would he find a way to get any of his friends to see him the same way as they had before? Or...would he always be the boy who broke their friend's heart for no other reason than by simply jumping into a situation without thinking things through. Last time it had gotten his godfather killed, and this time it was killing a part of himself.
After that fear came an unsettling period of crying on the cold, hard floor. The stone was uncomfortable and unforgiving, which suited his mood just fine at the moment. Harry didn't think he deserved to be crying under a blanket on a comfortable bed, or even sitting up with a tiny bit of dignity. No, that was for people who had earned that sort of reward, and he hadn't done anything to speak of. Not only had he been unable to find Luna, but he couldn't talk to Ginny again or even Hermione because he was a coward. Ron he desperately wanted to talk to, but once he learned that Harry was the reason Ginny and Dean broke up he thought his friend would be angry with him. He hadn't intentionally done anything, but by trying to comfort Ginny he had given her a temptation that she was too vulnerable to resist. He was still mad with her for her part in all this, but...well, he knew she hadn't been the only reason it had happened. The person he wanted to talk to the most was Sirius, and after thinking about it he didn't see why he couldn't do just that. Sirius was gone, but that didn't mean he couldn't hear him from wherever he was now.
His voice was hoarse and rough from his crying, but he didn't care. At the moment that's all Harry was, coarse, rough, jagged edges that cut into himself whenever he moved. Harry was sore from the floor, from the sobbing, and he couldn't even begin to sort through the wall of emotions crushing him under their weight. "I don't know if you saw the match or what happened after, but things turned into a right mess today. Ginny kissed me, which is something I should have seen coming in all honesty. I'd been told she had feelings for me but still tried to comfort her after the end of her relationship with Dean, and she misconstrued things. Luna saw the kiss, and I couldn't find her to try and explain what had happened. Even if I do, though...what could I possibly tell her?" he asked, tears falling fresh as he spoke to a dead godfather that he wasn't even sure was listening to him. "I mean, she trusted me and I let her down. What's left if we don't have enough trust left to open up to each other? Without that, we can't be ourselves any longer, and we can't tell each other that things will be alright because we won't believe it any more. What's left but two broken people who can't do anything aside from cause each other pain no matter how hard we try to fix our problems? I just don't know what to do, Sirius. I could really use you here right now, you old dog." he finished, ending his rant as he simply continued to cry quietly. Part of him was almost waiting for an answer, but of course there wasn't one.
This last experience left him with one more fear, which could actually be categorized as a genuine concern depending on who you asked. That fear was that perhaps this was finally too much for him and he'd gone crazy. Talking to yourself was bad enough, but reaching out for advice to a dead godparent instead of actually seeking out a living friend was surely a sign of growing insanity. Maybe if he went crazy though, the pain wouldn't quite hurt as much. That thought made a bitter laugh escape him, and he shook his head as he got up. "No, it would never be that easy." he told himself. Strangely enough, in spite of his concern about the state of his sanity he thought that his 'talk' with Sirius had actually been the most normal part of his time down here alone. Sirius had been the one adult in his life that he trusted without reservation, so it made sense that he would want to reach out to him...even if he was beyond the veil. He knew it was morbid, but that actually brought a faint hint of a smile to his lips. No matter where either of them were, the bond between them could never fully be broken.
Harry was certain that he looked like he hell, but he slowly forced himself to walk out of the room and made the long, slow walk to Gryffindor tower. Each step felt like he was dragging a bag of stones beside him, but he forced himself to push through. By the time he arrived the party was long over and he was able to make it to his dorm in peace. He made his way to his bed, and even though he still didn't feel like he'd earned its comfort he let himself fall onto its warm embrace. The emotions running through him had left him exhausted even though he hadn't really registered that until he'd gotten up to leave that dark, lonely room, and before he knew it he was fast asleep. You would have thought he'd have nightmares after the trying events of the day, but his brain was too tired to torture him with those right now and he actually had a surprisingly deep sleep that night. It wasn't much of a silver lining, but at least it was something.
`(OvO)ยด
The first thing Harry saw when he woke up was another brief flash of a crying Luna, and he let out a groan as he rolled over. Harry was well aware he'd fucked up at this point and wasn't too happy about his brain reminding him all the time, but he still didn't know what to do about it. Instead of figuring that out, he decided to tackle a problem that he could solve and that was getting himself a shower. His muscles were tight and sore after last night, there were still crusty salt trails over his cheeks and neck, and he'd been lying on the floor for he didn't even know how long so his clothes were dirty as well even though he'd changed after the Quidditch match yesterday. "Come on, you can do it." he told himself, as he slowly propped himself up into a sitting position on the bed before reaching his feet over the edge and finding the ground beneath him. It was still the weekend as the game had been on Saturday, but it seemed he had slept later than the rest of his dorm mates as all he saw were empty beds when he looked around. That suited him just fine, and grabbed a pair of sweatpants and a t-shirt in addition to his socks and underwear before heading for the shower.
There was usually nothing more calming than taking a hot shower, but that was also because his thoughts weren't usually trying to torture him. The guilt and pain were still there, as well as his fear and self-loathing for not having avoided this situation entirely. In addition to those returning feelings from last night was something he hadn't even gotten to yet, and that was a crippling anxiety threatening to suffocate him every time he tried to ask himself what he should do. At this point there weren't really good options left to him, all that was left was to see what he could salvage of the wreckage that had become his life overnight. Regardless of whether Ginny had been able to find Luna he knew he would need to talk to her, that was his first priority and by far the most important. After that, it would be either filling in Ron or Hermione on what had happened. Of the two, he would much prefer it to be Hermione as he still wasn't thrilled at the prospect of having to tell Ron the necessary part in the story of his sister kissing him. There was really no way to guess how he would react, but his gut told him that it wasn't going to be pretty. As for Hermione, he wasn't sure how she would take this news but he figured he stood a better chance of being able to explain things at least.
Taking some soap and a washcloth he began to scrub himself clean, not stopping until his skin had a slight pink tinge to it from how rough he'd been. Harry proceeded to wash his hair and then simply soaked in the water until his muscles eased up. There was still an uncomfortable feeling in the pit of his stomach, but he knew that was more because of his situation than anything else so turned the water off and stepped out. He found a towel and dried off before getting dressed and made his way to the Gryffindor common room. This was where he actually found other people, and not surprisingly he felt less like the Harry Potter he'd gradually grown into at this school and more like the freak from his childhood, sticking up out of place like a sore thumb. It didn't matter if any of them even knew what had happened because he knew, and he hung his head as he looked at the floor. He didn't deserve to look at any of them until he had done the right thing and talked to Luna. A few people tried to congratulate him on his first win as captain but Harry simply brushed them off and got out of there as quickly as he could.
His heart was racing and by the time he exited the common room his chest was heaving as he tried to catch his breath, panic setting in. He had seen a few kids at school have this sort of reaction a long time ago, it was a panic attack. Usually they would get a paper bag and breathe into it, but here he had nothing like that to use. Closing his eyes, he slid down the wall until he found the floor and he wrapped his arms around his legs, hugging them to him. The pressure on his forehead served as a distraction and he squeezed harder, his glasses sliding off into his lap but thankfully not breaking. He was shaking from the strain of holding on for dear life and the pressure threatening to crush him, but after a couple minutes the attack gradually started to release its stranglehold on him. Once it finally did he slowly stood up again, a few tears of relief slipping out that he quickly brushed away and he began to walk once again. "Well, I guess I'll have to add a trip to Madam Pomfrey as well." he told himself. Harry was a little unsteady on his feet and knew he needed to eat. But that could wait, he needed to find Luna. Only now was he able to remember what he had completely forgotten about yesterday, and he pulled out the Marauder's Map.
He just barely remembered to duck into a shadowy alcove by a suit of armor before activating the map with a tap of his wand and a reciting of the familiar phrase. "I solemnly swear I am up to no good." Harry's eyes instantly began to pore over the map in search of Luna's name, the usual wonder he had upon seeing the magic of this item lost in his intense desire to find her. Whatever she said would be better than nothing, no matter how much pain he saw in her eyes or felt burning deep in his chest he had to grit his teeth and bear it. Luna was important to him, and if he couldn't give her that much than he might as well just leave Hogwarts now. Finally his eyes found her name attached to a dot, and he nodded as he realized he probably should have guessed the spot. She was on the outskirts of the forbidden forest near what he thought was the area the Thestrals used to gather. The creatures did have a macabre sense about them, but they were also rather gentle and he was certain that she found them comforting. It was enough to get a small chuckle out of him, and he pocketed the map before going off to find her. "As always, that girl is much smarter than I am." he told himself.
As he exited the castle and walked out onto the grounds Harry wanted more than anything to turn around and run. Even hiding seemed like a better idea than doing this, even though he knew that he would just end up in the same state as he was last night there wouldn't be any new unpleasant memories to torture himself with. Harry did his best to ignore it, the pounding of his feet on the ground a little jarring but a necessary distraction to break up the jumble of his thoughts and keep him moving. It didn't take him long before he found Luna and the Thestrals, partly because he hadn't bothered to be subtle about going towards the forest. If somebody saw him and he got detention that was just fine, so long as he could see Luna first. He couldn't call her his any longer, he knew that...but it couldn't stop a stray thought from briefly thinking it as a tear slipped down his cheek. She looked so peaceful there with the Thestrals that Harry hated to disturb her, but he knew that it was time for him to say something. "Luna, I think it's time we discuss what happened." he said, his voice rough and tinged with a tangle of his uncomfortable emotions as he stared down the prospect of a conversation that could break him into tiny little pieces. To his credit, he stood his ground even though he had to brace his hand on a tree for some support.
Luna finished feeding the Thestral she had been tending to before leaving the rest of the food on the ground for them. Only after she was done did she turn to Harry, and began to stalk towards him with a cold, angry look in her eyes that made him queasy. She may be unusual, but he was still of the opinion that she could be the scariest of all of them when she wanted to be. She didn't speak yet, just walked up to him and looked into his eyes for a good long moment before slapping him with all the strength that she had. The force of the blow rocked him to the side and he stumbled into the tree he'd been bracing against, blood forming where his cheek had been smashed into his teeth as well as at the corner of his lip. His cheek felt like it was on fire as it instantly began to swell, but all he did was spit out the blood on the ground before looking at her again. He met her eyes and this time the cold anger was replaced with a Luna whose lip was quivering as she tried to find something to say, fear and worry and hurt and disappointment all plain enough now for him to see. His betrayal of her trust had left a ruin in its path of destruction, and he hated himself for bringing her to such a state. Just as he was about to break the silence on his own she reached out and put her hand over his lips. "No, Harry Potter. You do not get to talk...not yet." she told him, fixing him with a glare before pulling her hand back. "You betrayed my trust, and I don't give a flying fuck what the circumstances around it were. I warned you that Ginny had feelings for you, and I thought it went without saying that along with that was a message to be careful around her. I heard about her break-up with Dean, and you should have given her space. Instead you had to go and do your 'saving people' thing as Hermione calls it, and you put her in a situation where she turned to you to find comfort. Whether you kissed her first or not it doesn't bloody matter, because it's still your fault you berk!" she yelled at him, tears welling up and starting to spill over that she quickly rubbed away. "What did you think you could accomplish by finding me Harry? What's left of the careful, delicate relationship we were starting to build? You. Broke. It." she said, jabbing him with her finger after each word to drive the point home before falling into silence. "Well? I do want an answer, you know." she told him, crossing her arms as she waited for him to speak.
Harry felt Luna's words slam into him like sledgehammers but he didn't really care about that right now. Even in her state of frustrated anger she was the most beautiful person he'd ever seen. He was grateful that she didn't hold back or pull her punches with either the slap or the words because at least she las still showing him how she felt. That alone gave him a small taste of relief even though her words had proved that most of his fear and concern about this conversation wasn't too far off the mark. The last point of him having broken their fragile relationship hurt the most, and her driving that home with finger jabs made his own tears start to fall. She had been right with everything she'd said, so he left off advocating to save their relationship. Instead, he met her eyes even though it made his insides boil with pain upon seeing her in such a state because of what he'd done. He held her gaze and let his tears fall free, let her see how broken he was. "You're right Luna, there's no excuse. You deserve better." he told her. "Ginny did kiss me first after I saw her after the game and I stopped to check on her. I also know that her having initiated the kiss doesn't change anything between us or make it better. Also, I don't care if you want to beat me up or string me up to hit me with a whip I'll do anything...whatever it takes to stay in your life. In whatever capacity you'll have me. For what it's worth, I am more sorry than you'll ever know for what happened." he finished, the words rushing out of him before he'd even planned out what to say. Having not been planned beforehand, though, he thought that they probably rang closer to the truth. He hadn't known how he could express how he felt to her, but at least he'd made a small start.
His words were honest, that much Luna could tell and she cocked her head to one side as she studied him. It was clear that she was a little uncertain of what to do, and hadn't been expecting him to see her side of things. She'd been prepared for the Harry trying to save their relationship, not for the Harry who was willing to simply apologize and let her make her own decision on what he would be in her life. Biting her lip, Luna cautiously stepped forward as she looked into his eyes. They were filled with fear, concern for her, a bitter thread of self-hatred for having caused her pain, uncertainty, and deeply buried where she almost couldn't see it a tiny glint of hope she was sure he had no idea was even there. But it was, and that small amount of hope made the fist that was threatening to crush her heart loosen up ever so slightly. Whatever this was, she would gladly take it over not having it.
Tears spilled out hot and fast but before he could do anything Luna pulled Harry closer by the front of his shirt and crashed her lips against his. She was still angry, still hurt, still unsure of her footing with him but she was damned determined to find it and he eventually began to kiss her back as his arms wrapped around her in a tight hug. The kiss tasted of the salt from their tears and his bloody lip, and was filled with more heat and intensity they'd ever shared with each other before as they fought to find their way back to each other. They were raw, messy, angry, and hurting something terrible...but the moment was real and threatened to overwhelm them with its power. Before she had never really understood people that broke up and got back together all the time, but if it was because it made for moments like this maybe they were onto something. Eventually breaking the kiss, she buried her head in his chest and threatened to crush him with her own embrace. It almost knocked him over again but once more he fell against the tree and that kept him up. It was enough to make Luna laugh a little and she shifted her grip on him to make it a little lighter. "I won't say I forgive you, because I don't think that's something I'm capable of. Maybe it's childish of me, but I want you all to myself and I don't share." she told him. "All I can tell you is I'm still willing to try. That's all I can give you right now, and it's more than I should be offering." Luna said. By all rights she should be walking away, but even a poisoned, messy version of them was still so special. Perhaps it was wrong of her to want to hold onto it, but she found that she did want to after all.
The last thing on earth he'd been expecting was a crying Luna to kiss him like she had, and Harry had kissed back with everything she had. He'd shown her how he felt, and she seemed to accept him for what that was. The kiss was a broken one of two hurting people, but that made it all the more memorable and it was a moment Harry knew that he would never in a million years forget. Her being able to put herself out there like that after he had betrayed the trust she'd placed in him made his head spin. Maybe part of what was making his head spin was the kiss as well. He didn't really know and it wasn't important, and instead he focused on holding onto her. Once again his friend the tree proved helpful in keeping him up, and he began to stroke her long, blonde hair as she spoke. Her forgiveness wasn't something he had been expecting so he simply nodded. "Luna, I don't want anybody or anything else. If you still want the messy idiot that is Harry Potter, he's all yours. Thank you." he whispered, leaning in and giving her a tender kiss before he simply held onto her.
Smiling as they embraced each other, Luna finally felt the fist squeezing her heart loosen. It was still there, hovering and ready to crush her again if something else were to happen; but, for the moment it was letting her be. She simply held onto him like that for what had to have been at least five to ten minutes before finally letting go. "Come on, we should be heading back. I don't know about you but I wasn't really hungry before, but now I'm starving. It seems you returned my appetite after stealing it away, funny how that worked out. Come on." she said, grabbing his hand and starting to head back out of the forest and towards Hogwarts. Harry laughed, scrambling to keep up with her. They were far from perfect, but maybe with a bit of luck and a lot of hard work the two of them could start to figure things out together.
