Change My Destiny: Tears
ColonelJay: Thank you! I still have lots of world building I want to do so I'm glad you're enjoying what I put out.
You know, in my opinion, not many have been able to portray Louise properly. While there are many wonderful fanfics out there that made her into a strong, likable character, not many have focused on what we were given; the vulnerable, insecure, and helpless Louise that only did what she had to, to earn the respect and affection of those around her. Comedy and poor story elements aside, Louise's life was really dark and cruel, and I wanted to focus on that in this chapter.
Hopefully I've done things right, and I hope that you'll sympathize a bit with my portrayal of Louise.
Enjoy the story.
-Change My Destiny-
Louise silently led Avalon along, the professor close behind. She took them outside the school gates and to the forest west of the campus. Avalon had questions, but assumed it was for the best to not ask. He would be teaching her Ether, after all. They would need to be far away from others if they were to train spells together. Ether could get rather dangerous if not controlled properly.
Eventually, they reached a well-lit, wide grove, although…
"What the heck happened here?" Avalon asked, examining his surroundings. The entirety of the grove was barren of life, the trees damaged and the ground scorched black. Louise promptly let go of Avalon, turning to him with a small frown of embarrassment on her face.
"This is where I come to practice. Professor Colbert helped me find it, and occasionally helps maintain the place. It's a lot bigger than it was before because of my… explosions." Louise looked down at the ground, but held her stance firm. Avalon tilted his head.
"Well, it's definitely a nice place to train. Anyway, let's get started." A smile of excitement spread across Louise's face, and she nodded, following Avalon to the center of the grove. Professor Colbert took out a piece of parchment and a quill.
"Magic for us, you see, is the expression of your innermost self. You have to understand; when Ethera created humanity, she made us out of the mana she was born from. When she taught her children how to use it, it is why the great elemental spirits were able to manifest as they were. Its also why I find how only those of Brimir's line can use magic confusing."
"W-what? Are you suggesting that ANYONE can use magic?!" Colbert exclaimed, exasperated. Louise frowned at the thought. It made sense to a degree, but…
"Technically yes, anyone has the potential. We as a species at our very core are made up of the mana that exists in the universe."
"Universe?" asked Colbert.
"What's a universe?" Louise asked.
That made Avalon pause, he looked very confused.
"A universe is everything we can touch, feel, sense, measure, and find. It doesn't matter what it is. Planets. Stars. Light. Even time itself."
"Incredible, I…. wait, did you say planets?! There's more planets out there than ours?!" Colbert was shouting as he wrote now, his eyes shining with academic zeal. Louise placed a hand on her head, trying to process all this information. Avalon, on the other hand, placed his hands on his face in frustration.
"Yes, there are other planets out there. We don't know if they're occupied by other life forms but we know they exist. By Ethera, how did all of you manage to exist for six thousand years and not know any of this stuff?!"
Colbert looked very sheepish at that. Louise just sighed.
"Can we get back on track please?" Louise asked.
"Right. If what you say is true, then the only reason I can think of would be that Ethera taught Brimir how to use magic, which he passed onto his children, who passed it onto their children and so on. The common folk wouldn't have had access to that kind of information; you would have to be born in a magic wielding family to learn how to do it."
Colbert took out a handkerchief and wiped his forehead. "That sounds about right. I don't think I've ever heard of commoners trying to learn how to use magic... But how does elven magic differentiate?"
"Well, through thousands years of research we found that each element pertains to certain traits of a person, and a person's elements are determined by the overall environment and moulding of the child's psychological state as we grow up. From the found patterns, we were able to streamline the learning process one can go through in their lifetime. With that in mind, we learn how to control all of the elements to a degree, while mastering the one we find we are attuned to the most."
"That's really different from our system. Elements are usually passed down from parent to children, and we categorize a person's ability by their class; dots, lines, triangles, and square," followed up Louise.
"Huh, that's pretty cool. What do they mean? Do the shapes have significance?"
"Yes." Professor Colbert took over. "The class you are is determined by the number of elements you can combine. Dot mages can only use one element. Lines can use two, and so forth. Tabitha, for example, is a triangle class mage; she can use wind and water to make ice, or—"
"Wait, but that's only two elements."
"Hold on, I was just getting to that Mr. Avalon. Even though she can only use two elements, she has a strong affinity for wind and is able to stack two wind spells on top of each other. It's like if she were to combine two tornado's to make a typhoon."
"Huh... I guess that makes sense. Anyway, where was I?" Avalon took a moment to think. "Right, what do you use to cast spells? Like, what's the source of your magic power?"
"That would be mana," Louise replied instantly.
"Can you sense mana?"
Louise and Professor Colbert grabbed Avalon by the collar, taking him by surprise. Their expressions were completely shocked.
"You can sense mana?!" they shouted at the same time. Avalon sighed.
"I really should be surprised that you can't. But I'm not."
They let go of Avalon, and he straightened his clothes. "No we can't," Louise continued, "it's a mage's most significant weaknesses. There's a lot about it we don't know, actually. All we know is that we can charge it by sleeping."
"Wow. We have a lot of work to do." Avalon couldn't help but roll his eyes.
"Tell me more about it! Everything about mana, please! For science!" More papers emerged from Colbert's robes, more than Avalon or Louise thought possible. Where was he keeping all those?
"Mana is the life energy that exists in all things. You remember how I told you magic is the expression of your innermost self? Well, mana would be what allows magic and all forms of life to even exist."
Mana is the building block of the universe. Everything has mana in it and is shaped by it. Some call it atoms. Some call it matter. But they're the same thing. The difference is, before, we couldn't see it. But now we can." Raising his hand, Avalon called forth mana into his hand, the particles of green light dancing before Louise's and Colbert's eyes.
"Typically, we can feel mana when it is used and manipulated in all its forms; spells, potions, what have you. It takes a lot of focus to do though and even more training to master. Still, the results make it worth the training; you could potentially feel if your opponent is casting a big spell or not by the quantity of the mana they put forward when casting, which direction it's coming from, and even feel how much mana they have left. As such, we usually fight in groups, because it's impossible to split your concentration evenly among the chaos." Louise frowned at that, her thoughts running over what he had said.
"Fight? Why did you fight?" Professor Colbert asked, before coming to a realization. "The borders!"
"Y-Yeah… We've had to defend our homes from time to time, more so from beasts than humans, but I digress. Those who reach five years of age begin attending school for general education, and as we get older we move onto magic. When we turn fifteen we were assigned to teams, each of us having dedicated ourselves to a specific element. I use ether, while my friends Vin, Sherry, and Nero use fire, water, and earth respectively. Normally there would've been a wind user assigned, but we had an odd number of magic users that year and I was a unique case so we made do as ether users aren't as common. Only one in every fifty children are adept with it."
"What is ether? Why is it that only a few are adept with it?" Louise asked, getting excited. She could finally find out what her element is!
"Ether is the manipulation of mana itself. I can't tell you exactly why its so rare, but from our studies we know that children having the kind of sensitivity to mana needed for it is low. Even If you were sensitive enough to mana that you were capable of using it, our sensitivity to mana is incredibly difficult and very painful to increase."
"Sensitivity to mana? What does that mean, Mr. Avalon? Why is it painful?"
"Well, we can sense mana right? And remember how I told you how everything is made up of mana? Now imagine being born and all you can feel is the presence of magic around you." Avalon's brow furrowed as he seemed to recall a distant memory. "You can't discern who is who, everything looks like congealed masses on green particles, and on top of that, you can barely feel yourself because….well, you're also made of mana." He rossed his arms. "That's how it was for me. I was born with an incredibly high mana sensitivity. In fact I almost broke the record my mom set, and she only achieved that through years of training. It took the entirety of my childhood just to be able to discern the people and world around me. Because of that I grew up isolated and homeschooled by my mother until I was fourteen."
Louise was in complete awe as her respect for Sasha grew tenfold. It must have been so difficult for Avalon growing up, but also for Sasha to raise him…
"Where does that leave me? Can you teach me how to sense mana?" asked Louise as Colbert kept writing, muttering incoherently to himself.
"Increasing your sensitivity to mana can be done a few ways, but the slowest and least painful is meditation. Learning to expand your consciousness to the magic within and around you."
"What about what mentioned that before, that you felt my aura?"
"Aura? What is aura?" Professor Colbert asked.
"Aura is the individual person's signature feel their mana gives off. And I can, I think. If anything, I can ask my mom for some tips; she's the one who taught me everything I know." Avalon smiled widely, his eyes shining with pride. "My mom is one of the strongest elves to have ever lived. I grew up hearing amazing stories about her before she met my dad, and to be honest, even though she's kind of scary sometimes, she's the smarted and most amazing person I've ever known. I'm glad she's my mom, and I couldn't be happier to be her son."
"You really love your mom, don't you?" Louise asked, feeling slightly jealous. Louise wondered if she could ever think of her mother that way.
"Of course! Everyone loves their parents I think, or at least wants to."
Louise frowned inwardly, doing her best to avoid showing it on her face. Thankfully, she didn't have to think hard about it.
"I couldn't agree more, Mr. Avalon! What about your father? What element does he use? And your mother?"
"My father a fire adept. Mom's actually really strong, she mastered all five elements," said Avalon as he tapped his chin in thought. "Well, she always tells me that you can never master something, only spend your entire life learning how to do it well. But to me that basically means to me she mastered them," Avalon chuckled. "Anyway, enough about that, let's get started on training!" said Avalon, closing his eyes and taking a deep breath. Louise and Colbert joined him, sitting with their legs crossed and closed eyes.
"Now, close your eyes, and listen to the sound of my voice." Louise did just that, taking a deep breath.
"Listen to the sound of your heartbeat. Breathe. In… and out." Avalon paused for several moments, and Louise felt herself relaxing as she listened to her heart, its rhythmic beating almost hypnotizing.
"Mana is the energy of life, and exists in all living things. Without mana, there would be no life.
"Magic is driven by emotion. Powerful feelings of all kinds make it stronger. Without feelings, we would be nothing but mindless beasts. It distinguishes the lines between all creatures."
Louise heard Avalon stand and walk towards her, placing what felt like his fingers on her forehead. Then suddenly, a pleasant, cool sensation shot through her from Avalon's fingers, and she shivered. Memories of her life flowed through her mind with a sharp clarity. She heard Colbert gasp a moment later as well.
"Think back Louise, professor. Think back to every time you have ever cast a spell. Think about the emotions you felt, the energy that surged through you. I know you felt it, because I did as well."
Louise did as she was told, and thought back to the times she cast her explosions. She thought about the concentration, the desperation, the anger, the hostility… and the build-up. All the sleepless nights, all the pain and sadness. But how was she supposed to let it flow through her?
"Incredible…! This…. this is my aura?! It feels incredible… such a warm yet peaceful fire," Professor Colbert whispered in awe.
"I don't understand," Louise said aloud, her chest feeling tight. It was as if closing walls were slowly wrapping around her heart, crushing it, ready to explode in her chest. Avalon hushed gently, removing his fingers from her forehead.
"Don't think, Louise. Feel. Feel your emotions, Louise. Feel your experiences, how they defined you, and embrace them. Every experience you went through, every emotion you felt, made you who you are."
Louise tried. She tried and tried, but every time she thought about her experiences, all the pain she went through, she felt nothing but negativity. All the jeers, the depression, the anger. The loneliness.
Her chest began to hurt, and she let out a cry of pain, clutching her chest. She bent over, breathing hard as she broke free from her meditation, her eyes snapping wide open as adrenaline surged through her veins. Avalon and Colbert quickly moved to her sides, gently supporting her. She tried to fight it, but her quivering hands and jelly legs prevented her from escaping their firm, yet gentle grasps.
"It's okay, Louise. It's okay. You don't need to be afraid," Avalon whispered. Colbert looked confused, but said nothing.
Not bothering to struggle any longer, Louise rested, taking comfort in the warmth that Avalon and Colbert provided. Colbert gently stroked her hair as Avalon pondering on what just happened.
"W-What was that?" Louise asked, her voice shaking. Colbert stopped mid stroke, and Avalon sighed.
"That was your aura." A small gasp escaped from her lips.
"T-That's what it was? I felt like my heart was getting crushed!"
"I know. I felt the negativity… and it overwhelmed you. But what I don't understand is why." Avalon sat closer to Louise, taking the time to look at her in the eye. She wanted to look away, but couldn't.
"Louise, why do you hate your magic?"
She paused, her expression falling to the ground as the facts came falling down on her. She hadn't really thought about it, focused more on improving and proving her peers wrong, and yet…
"… I need some time to think about this." Louise gently removed herself from Colbert's grasp, clearly shaken still even though she tried to hide it. Avalon said nothing, and Colbert helped Louise to her feet, looking sorrowful.
"I'm so sorry, Louise," he said to her, also on the verge of tears. They held each other's hands tightly.
They returned to the academy in silence. Still holding some dignity, Louise walked herself back to her dorm as they approached the main gate, the courtyards filled with less people now. Colbert eventually parted ways, returning to his work shed. She wanted to stay with him, but knew that he had duties to attend to, so she and Avalon silently returned to her room. Some of the other nobles eyed Louise as she passed, some curious, some frowning, but none said anything, their conversations hushing as the two passed. Louise sped up her walk. As they reached her room, Louise opened the door before looking back at Avalon.
"I want to be alone for a while. Do you mind?" Avalon looked momentarily surprised, before nodding. Louise sighed with relief. "Thank you. Meet me here again tomorrow morning. Classes will resume, and I want you to come with me."
Louise gave Avalon no time to reply. She quickly entered her room, shutting the door firmly behind her. She waited for his footsteps to fade away, before throwing herself onto her bed with a sob.
-Change My Destiny-
It was sundown. After returning Louise to her room, he stayed on the rooftop nearby, keeping an eye on her. She hadn't come out since he left. He was starting to get worried about her.
"Is there anything that we can do Kavaid?"
"Unfortunately,no. This is Louise's battle. She must overcome this herself in the end."
"Kyuu?" The dragon beside him must have sensed his feelings, as she began to rub her head across his back and under his arm. Avalon absentmindedly scratched the ridge of Sylphid's eye, making her almost sigh in pleasure. Tabitha, who was off to the side, looked up, seeing the troubled expression on his face, wanted to comment, but she figured it wasn't any of her business. Avalon turned, catching a glimpse of Tabitha's gaze as she quickly returned it back to her book. He smiled.
"Say, Tabitha, do you mind if I ask you something?" She looked up from her book, nodding slightly. "What do you know about Louise?" Tabitha blinked.
"…Broad question." Avalon hummed in response, rethinking his question.
"Well, do you know anything about her family?"
"… Daughter of a Duke and Duchess of Tristain. Third youngest."
"Wow, really? Her family is that powerful, huh? That's impressive. What about her friends? Does she have any?"
An awkward silence followed, Tabitha not knowing what to say. Avalon waited patiently, before his eyes widened.
"I see… So aside from Professor Colbert, she doesn't have anyone?"
Tabitha shook her head.
"Louise… acquaintance. I help her study." Avalon sat back, starting to understand Louise's negativity, but he still wasn't satisfied.
"Why do they look at her like that, like she's some sort of monster?"
"Louise… known for explosions. Never cast another spell. All end in failure. Hard worker… but not magically adept."
"Well, we'll see about that. I'll be able to help her. Her element is the same as mine."
Tabitha stared as Avalon turned his gaze back to the sunset. Nothing more was said between them, though he resolved to go visit Louise tomorrow. He would let her rest tonight.
-Change My Destiny-
Louise was running. Her lungs burned in her chest as she heaved breath after breath, attempting to escape the shadow that loomed behind her.
Look, its Louise the Zero!
Watch out, she might blow you up! That's all your good for, isn't it?!
"Louise the zero! Zero chest, zero grades, and zero friends!"
The taunting continued, the echoing laughter ringing inside her ears. She tried to shut them out, but the voices seemed to come from even within her, and all she could think of was to run away. Be anywhere but here. Yet no matter what she did, she felt trapped, a lingering despair of no escape.
Tears fell from her eyes. She wanted to cry out, but no sound came from her lips. She looked around her, seeing only darkness.
She was alone.
-Change My Destiny-
A loud knock broke Louise out of her sleep, and she shot up from her bed with a startled cry. Her breathing was heavy, and her vision blurry from tears. The nightmare she had was still clear in her mind, and she could almost hear the voices even now. More knocking came that thankfully distracted her, even if it was just for a moment.
"Hey, Louise, it's me," said Avalon, knocking on her door. Louise quickly shuffled out of her bed.
"O-One second," she called out, taking the time to change out of her robes and compose herself, applying as much make up as she could to hide her tired features in the mirror, although she couldn't fully get rid of them. Once ready, she opened the door.
"A-Avalon, you're here. Shall we get going?"
Louise berated herself for sounding weak. She was a Valliere! She should be able to control herself! Luckily, it seemed her familiar—no, partner—didn't notice, and only nodded. As they walked down the hall, Louise kept looking back at Avalon, wanting to say something, but not sure if she could say it. Avalon gave her a puzzled look.
"Is something wrong?" After a moment of thought, Louise shook her head.
"A-Are you sure you want to come to class, Avalon?" she asked. As they walked down the hall, they ignored the students pressing themselves against the wall. Looks like they were still spreading rumors about his lineage. Go figure.
"I do. Perhaps it can help me teach you, and I'm curious about what you told me yesterday." They were entering the classroom now, the chattering and laughter dying out into hushed whispers. Louise flinched, their actions reminding her of her dream. Still, she kept her movement natural, and her head low, as she and Avalon took a seat.
"Well well, nice of you to join us, Zero."
Louise didn't comment or move. Avalon, however, did. Something in particular about the way the sultry voice said the word zero made Avalon glare back the source. It was the red head that he saw the other day, sitting a few seats behind. Tabitha was beside her, a book in front of her, but she wasn't reading it. She was instead looking at Avalon. The glare shook the red head, her seat mates shifting uncomfortably around her, but she regained her composure quickly.
"Ah, forgive my rudeness mister elf. It's how I normally greet Valliere, for our families have something of a rivalry. Or are you a half elf? Your ears are the same as any normal human's."
"I am half elf, yes. But that doesn't make me any less capable," Avalon said, the warning clear in his voice. The red head chuckled.
"Consider it noted. My name is Kirche Augusta Frederica von Anhalt Zerbst. You, cutie, can just call me Kirche." A wink followed, and Avalon simply tilted his head.
"Avalon. A pleasure, I'm sure."
" Indeed. The pleasure is all mine." She licked her lips, and Avalon saw from the corner of his eye that Tabitha was looking between them, a small but worried expression forming.
Thankfully they didn't have to continue the conversation. The professor entered the room, a short, cheerful woman by the name of Rosetta.
Avalon wondered about Louise's condition through the lecture. She seemed almost worse for wear, and Avalon felt bad, regretting his decision to not visit her the prior night. He should have kept a closer eye on her; she could have a breakdown at any moment.
As the lecture went on, Louise was soon called to demonstrate the transfiguration of bronze into brass. He began to suspect that something was very wrong when some of the students began walking out of the classroom, many others standing up in protest. "Wait a second, professor! You can't possibly mean to have Louise the zero demonstrate, can you?!" Kirche shouted, completely distraught.
"Louise the zero…" Avalon muttered under his breath. Louise's face turned red with embarrassment, and Avalon didn't have time to think about it, as Kirche's doubt in Louise's ability seemed to set her off. "I'll do it," she said, walking up to the front of the classroom. The students began to sink into their chairs as Louise raised her wand, her lips moving with her incantation. Avalon kept a close eye on her, preparing himself for the worst.
He was glad that he did.
Avalon moved immediately, standing at the front of the desk and conjuring a strong barrier around the explosion. The damage was contained, luckily, but Louise's pride wasn't.
The insults came. Students began tossing Louise disgusted looks as she stood there staring at the fruits of her spell, shaking. Kirche, Avalon noticed, was silent, a small frown on her admittedly beautiful face. The teacher tried to calm the class down, but to no avail.
"…I failed again," she whispered, before darting out of the classroom.
"Louise! Wait!" Avalon chased after her, following her down the hall and out of the building. He easily caught up with her using a quick wind spell, boosting him forward. He grabbed her arm, but Louise thrashed against him, crying incoherently.
"Louise! It's okay!" Avalon tried to verbally calm her down, but she was too distraught, her aura in complete chaos. She resisted as he tried to hold her down, scratching and kicking and biting, but Avalon held strong. His mind raced about how he could calm her down, but he was drawing a blank. What could he do?
What would mom do?
"Why?!" Louise screamed her heart out.
"Why was I born different from the others? Why does every spell I cast just explode in my face?!"
"I hate it… I can't stand it… If I wasn't born like this, I wouldn't be alone…"
Louise sobbed, no longer caring about her pride. And it was at that moment Avalon finally understood what happened, why she rejected her magic. His resolve to help her strengthened even further, and Avalon tightened his embrace. Suddenly struck with a mad idea, he decided to do what his mother always did for him. He pulled her down to the ground, Louise on his lap as Avalon leaned against the nearest wall.
"Come stop your crying it'll be alright, just take my hand, hold it tight…" Louise fought hard, trying to shake her hand free as Avalon gripped hers in his.
"I will protect you from all around you, I will be here, don't you cry…" With his free hand, Avalon stroked her hair. He continued the melodic song, hoping that its words and its gentleness would soothe her insecurities. Though she struggled for a long while, as he progressed through Louise began to calm, her movements mere spasms. Eventually, she became still, but for assurance, Avalon continued, singing it through until the end.
Silence fell, and Louise stirred.
"….What was that song?" Louise mumbled, and Avalon let her go as she pushed herself up from her position.
"It's a song from my homeland. My mother used to sing it to me to help me sleep."
Louise shook her head after a moment of contemplation.
"…It was beautiful. Thank you for… you know."
An awkward silence fell between them, neither party not knowing what to say. Louise shifted and Avalon swept his gaze left and right, not sure what to do next.
"…So, uh, you gonna be okay?" Avalon asked. Louise sat there for a few moments, dazed.
"…I think so." Avalon nodded, standing up.
"Alright then, I guess we should head back—" He turned, ready to leave, but Louise panicked, and quickly reached out, taking hold of his hand. Avalon stopped mid step, turning back to Louise. Panic was all he could think of when he saw her expression.
"W-Wait… please… I… I don't…"
Avalon didn't have the heart in him to say no.
